I love new year! I love that God's mercies are new EVERY morning, but the new year just seems to provide a time when I allow myself to wipe the slate clean and have a new beginning on the things God is calling to that I seem to fail continually to complete!
I have a confession! Over the past month or two, I have sat down with God for intentional quiet time very few times. I've missed it for sure! But I seemed to be in a slump! I don't know why as over the past year, God has truly been my life line and best friend! I have learned to rely on and trust Him in new ways I never have before! Part of my problem as been having the two babies and the nausea from the pregnancy. But if I had been focused on spending time, I would have found a way even with those obstacles.
As God has called me back to Himself, even the random devotion I did yesterday was on focus! God has just shown me over and over this year how personal He is! That He will meet me right where I am, wherever that is. I love that about my God! Even after a month plus of avoiding Him, the first time I sit down to meet with Him He provides a gentle reminder that I need to stay focused on Him to accomplish the plans He has for me...plans that are for my good and not my harm (Jeremiah 29:11), and plans that have far more for me than I can possibly hope or imagine (Eph 3:20-21).
As I sat down this morning to look back over this year, I am so pleased that I can look back on it with a smile! For the first time in probably five years, I can look back over the year coming to a close and see God's provision and love like never before. He was there all those other years as well, but in my immaturity, I couldn't see it past circumstances to Him. At the beginning of 2010, God gave me John 15:1-11 as our family scripture for the year. He has made good on His promises from these verses this year! I remember the thing that drew me to that scripture was the part on joy. I had lost my joy. Life was so hard and I couldn't find a reason to smile or see any "abundant" in my life. So I started asking God to restore to me the joy of His salvation, and as He promises, He answered my prayer! It is amazing to me to look at January of this year and now. Really, none of my circumstances have changed, in fact, many have become worse (finances are more difficult with 6 instead of 4 children, marriage is stressed more with 6 instead of 4 children, daily life is more hectic with 6 instead of 4 children, everything is harder when I'm fighting nausea most of the time and the fatigue of pregnancy...not to mention the thoughts of how to add one more to our lives, etc, etc) but I have my joy back! Praise God, He has restored my joy! He has taught me how to have joy in Him...He never changes. So no matter what my circumstances are, my joy can be complete in Him! I'm still a work in progress, but it is so cool to look and see how God has worked on my inside this year to teach me His Truths!
As I look forward to 2011, I have to say, it is with some trepidation! God has already made clear to me some of the plans He has for me, and frankly, they seem impossible! But the Holy Spirit quickly reminds me that ALL things are possible IN HIM! That IN HIM part is the key!
As I sat down this morning, I kind of thought God would "punish" my lack of meeting with Him and not give me my yearly scriptures that I like to have at the beginning of the year. I should know better by now! God is not about withholding Himself from us! He wants to reveal Himself to us and will do so ANY TIME we agree to meet with Him and open ourselves up to what He has to say! Like the faithful Father He is, He brought two scriptures to mind the minute I sat down to journal and ask Him what I needed to focus on for 2011. The P-tree family scriptures for 2011 will be Luke 16:10-13 and Ephesians 3:16-21. There are lots of exciting promises in these scriptures, but there are also many responsibilities for me and John as we walk in Christ!
I can't wait to see what 2011 brings. I have a feeling that once again, God is going to be asking me to stretch myself in ways I never dreamed were possible! The one I already know is that He is asking me to go back to work. That will have to be a post for another time as the turmoil that one thing alone brings in my inner woman is enough to write a book! But as I argue with God, not recommended by the way, He only says, trust and obey! Hard to argue with those two words coming from the One who made me and holds the world in His hands!
My prayer for all of you is that 2011 brings you closer to Jesus than you are today. I pray that God will stretch you in ways that reveal His character to you in ways you can't miss! That is what He did for us in 2010, and I pray He does it again in 2011! One thing for sure, this ride we call "Walking with God" is never dull!!!!
Happy New Year Blog World Friends!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Journey: Good Bye Foster System!
I just can't seem to keep up on the blog! Sorry blog readers! But I eventually get around to posting! :)
We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!
We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!
Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"
I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!
Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!
We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!
We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!
We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!
Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"
I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!
Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!
We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
God's Economy
Seems like I don't have time for reflecting on much of anything these days! But lately, God has really been speaking to me about His economy! I have always hated money. Seems like we never have enough and seems like it is a a barrier to so much that we long to do...even good stuff! But I have a friend who of mine talks often of God's economy. And this year, I have learned to live in God's economy and have found it is the highest drawing savings account that exists!
The end of the year is always a time of reflection as we bring one year to a close and look ahead to what the next year might bring. As I reflect over this year, the most obvious thing to turn to is the fact that we have added 4 children (and lost one as B-man went to live with a new foster family) in the course of this year. The only word for adding 4 children to your family in a year is UN-NATURAL! Ok, maybe another word would fit also - BLESSED!
But as many of you know, kids are not cheap! They have needs and expenses. Three of our kiddos came with some financial support. Fostering is not really that much of a financial burden as the state reimburses you through the daily stipend. So I can't say that we have felt a financial burden to a large degree even with adding three children. However, as we transfer from foster to adoption with two of them and look at paying for a baby delivery and adding that baby to the monthly bills, I have to confess I have had a few moments of intense anxiety!
That is what started the reflection!
Yes, we added three kids, and we also lost my salary! When we turned the orphanage over to LifeSong, I stopped taking any kind of salary from Addy's Hope because there were no funds to support the salary. I also wasn't working as much obviously since I wasn't having to pound the pavement looking for donations or trying to run an orphanage from half a world away.
God provided for us in a huge way during that transition by John receiving a huge promotion (he is now second in command at the service center) and my grandfather passed away leaving my parents his inheritance which they graciously shared a portion with my brother and I. We were able to use this lump sum to pay down our debt so that we had manageable monthly bills. I still look back at the timing of all that with awe! It all happened at exactly the right time. The exact month we stopped receiving my salary, John's kicked in! That has to be God!
But the miracles don't stop there! God's economy is like everything else God does, it doesn't make sense! You cannot look at it with earthly eyes and make any sense of it.
With the addition of our children, we found we needed a bigger car. John was (and still isn't) anywhere close to driving a 12 passenger van. Plus those suckers are EXPENSIVE!!!! At least the conversion ones that are safer than the church van style. We started praying about what to do as we were very torn with having to take two cars everywhere. That is not conducive for family life, or the gas budget! We drove by a Suburban parked in a lot for sale. I told John let's look at it! That in itself had to be the Holy Spirit because I HATE buying cars!!! We drove over to it and I couldn't believe when I looked in the windows...it had bench seats in the front and middle row, so it was a Suburban that seated nine!!!! We have been doing Dave Ramsey this year and really wanted to pay cash for our next car. We were no where even close to that, so should we buy it? Ramsey would say no. But John and I both felt God was saying it was the car He had for us. We did have to take out a loan to get it, but the car was in amazingly good condition for how old it is and was priced below value AND came with a transferable warranty so when anything breaks, we are not out any money to fix it! Doesn't get any better than that on a used car! We started praying about what to do with our Honda Odyssey. We had talked even months before that we would love to be able to give it to a family who needed a bigger car to foster. But now we have this car loan with a car payment that we haven't had in years! So we started looking at selling it to pay down the loan. God made it clear through the next weeks that we were to give it away, not sell it and made it clear who was to be the recipient. If you know John and I, you know that I am not saying this to toot our horn, and in fact, wasn't going to put it in this post at all, except it illustrates for us how God's economy DOES NOT operate like the world! The world says we should hang on to and sell for the top dollar whatever we need to provide security. God says, obey me and you will have security like nothing else will provide! We are seeing that played out before our very lives!
I do have a confession. I kind of thought since we gave the van away, maybe a check would arrive to pay off our suburban loan. That check didn't come! BUT, what has come are little (and even some substantial) financial blessings that have provided for needs and even wants at just the right time!
I think we are pretty modest in what we buy for our children and each other for Christmas. Yes, they have plenty! I'm not trying to say we "sacrifice" in any way, but we stay under $100 for each child. So when the oldest two asked for Ipod touches for Christmas, well, the answer was obviously NO! But even with that modest budget, and trying to save all year, we were having a hard time making ends meet for Christmas. Just this month, we had an amazing Christmas blessing from Buckner where all the kids received a new set of pajamas and several other more than generous gifts! The county in Odessa where Baby Girl's case is provided Christmas presents for her, so she is taken care of. My amazing friends gave Princess M a "teen shower" where they bought our bedding needed for the transition in the girls' room and showered Princess M with not only some necessities, but many extras just to show her love! We also had a friend offer to give us beds for the girls! The blessings just can't be measured as we have learned to walk in God's economy!
One of the first "big" blows us away blessings came the week we found out we were pregnant. John went outside to fin a Lowe's gift card on the front porch. It was from "The Body of Christ!" Blew us away! And allowed us to finish up some home repairs and projects that had been on hold due to financial restraints...and had been stressing John out!
But last week, topped them all! In the course of two days, we received two envelopes with substantial amounts of cash...both from single mothers (one newly married single mom)! These are not wealthy people by any means! They reminded me of the widow's might. Here we are, a married couple with a very nice income, and we are receiving cash gifts from these single moms! Blessed, yes, but more than that, HUMBLED! You see, one of the things we have had to learn in God's economy is how to receive! I never thought that was an issue. But was God has showered us with blessings, we have had to realize that we have to be willing to humbly receive the gifts he has for us...just like we had to learn to receive His most precious gift of salvation! They don't usually come how we expect them or even in the most "comfortable" way. But that is God's economy! He uses whomever is willing! This time it was two ladies who walked in obedience and sacrifice to God and taught this mother more than I am sure they will ever know! Because in my legalistic mind, God promises to provide our needs, not our wants! But God showed us this month, that even wants can be in His provision! As long as we walk in His economy and do well with the little things He entrusts to us, He will continue to provide!
Was thinking on those things this morning and couldn't sleep. You see, I don't think we have done so well with the "little" things and am amazed that God continues to bless us! But God reminded me that he desires obedience over sacrifice! So I got out of bed and spent my time with Him this morning paying bills! You see, even paying bills can be a worshipful experience when I remember where my money comes from and Who is my provider!
I can't say that I didn't have some moments of anxiety as we look at the coming months when we will have to make the payments for the baby's delivery and we look at losing the foster stipend for Baby Girl. But God quickly quieted my Spirit with the Holy Spirit's whisper, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own. We will tackle tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I am your Provider. Trust!"
And trust Him I do! He replaced my anxiety with anticipation! I can't wait to share more miracles of how God's economy works in our home and the homes of our friends who are on this journey with us! God has brought some of the most humble and generous people I have ever met into our lives at our new church home! I can't wait to see how God uses this portion of His body to impact the world as so many of my friends continue to reach out to the least of these...and I see God working miracle after miracle in each of our lives for us to "afford" it as we navigate the world's economy all the time relying on HIS economy!
The end of the year is always a time of reflection as we bring one year to a close and look ahead to what the next year might bring. As I reflect over this year, the most obvious thing to turn to is the fact that we have added 4 children (and lost one as B-man went to live with a new foster family) in the course of this year. The only word for adding 4 children to your family in a year is UN-NATURAL! Ok, maybe another word would fit also - BLESSED!
But as many of you know, kids are not cheap! They have needs and expenses. Three of our kiddos came with some financial support. Fostering is not really that much of a financial burden as the state reimburses you through the daily stipend. So I can't say that we have felt a financial burden to a large degree even with adding three children. However, as we transfer from foster to adoption with two of them and look at paying for a baby delivery and adding that baby to the monthly bills, I have to confess I have had a few moments of intense anxiety!
That is what started the reflection!
Yes, we added three kids, and we also lost my salary! When we turned the orphanage over to LifeSong, I stopped taking any kind of salary from Addy's Hope because there were no funds to support the salary. I also wasn't working as much obviously since I wasn't having to pound the pavement looking for donations or trying to run an orphanage from half a world away.
God provided for us in a huge way during that transition by John receiving a huge promotion (he is now second in command at the service center) and my grandfather passed away leaving my parents his inheritance which they graciously shared a portion with my brother and I. We were able to use this lump sum to pay down our debt so that we had manageable monthly bills. I still look back at the timing of all that with awe! It all happened at exactly the right time. The exact month we stopped receiving my salary, John's kicked in! That has to be God!
But the miracles don't stop there! God's economy is like everything else God does, it doesn't make sense! You cannot look at it with earthly eyes and make any sense of it.
With the addition of our children, we found we needed a bigger car. John was (and still isn't) anywhere close to driving a 12 passenger van. Plus those suckers are EXPENSIVE!!!! At least the conversion ones that are safer than the church van style. We started praying about what to do as we were very torn with having to take two cars everywhere. That is not conducive for family life, or the gas budget! We drove by a Suburban parked in a lot for sale. I told John let's look at it! That in itself had to be the Holy Spirit because I HATE buying cars!!! We drove over to it and I couldn't believe when I looked in the windows...it had bench seats in the front and middle row, so it was a Suburban that seated nine!!!! We have been doing Dave Ramsey this year and really wanted to pay cash for our next car. We were no where even close to that, so should we buy it? Ramsey would say no. But John and I both felt God was saying it was the car He had for us. We did have to take out a loan to get it, but the car was in amazingly good condition for how old it is and was priced below value AND came with a transferable warranty so when anything breaks, we are not out any money to fix it! Doesn't get any better than that on a used car! We started praying about what to do with our Honda Odyssey. We had talked even months before that we would love to be able to give it to a family who needed a bigger car to foster. But now we have this car loan with a car payment that we haven't had in years! So we started looking at selling it to pay down the loan. God made it clear through the next weeks that we were to give it away, not sell it and made it clear who was to be the recipient. If you know John and I, you know that I am not saying this to toot our horn, and in fact, wasn't going to put it in this post at all, except it illustrates for us how God's economy DOES NOT operate like the world! The world says we should hang on to and sell for the top dollar whatever we need to provide security. God says, obey me and you will have security like nothing else will provide! We are seeing that played out before our very lives!
I do have a confession. I kind of thought since we gave the van away, maybe a check would arrive to pay off our suburban loan. That check didn't come! BUT, what has come are little (and even some substantial) financial blessings that have provided for needs and even wants at just the right time!
I think we are pretty modest in what we buy for our children and each other for Christmas. Yes, they have plenty! I'm not trying to say we "sacrifice" in any way, but we stay under $100 for each child. So when the oldest two asked for Ipod touches for Christmas, well, the answer was obviously NO! But even with that modest budget, and trying to save all year, we were having a hard time making ends meet for Christmas. Just this month, we had an amazing Christmas blessing from Buckner where all the kids received a new set of pajamas and several other more than generous gifts! The county in Odessa where Baby Girl's case is provided Christmas presents for her, so she is taken care of. My amazing friends gave Princess M a "teen shower" where they bought our bedding needed for the transition in the girls' room and showered Princess M with not only some necessities, but many extras just to show her love! We also had a friend offer to give us beds for the girls! The blessings just can't be measured as we have learned to walk in God's economy!
One of the first "big" blows us away blessings came the week we found out we were pregnant. John went outside to fin a Lowe's gift card on the front porch. It was from "The Body of Christ!" Blew us away! And allowed us to finish up some home repairs and projects that had been on hold due to financial restraints...and had been stressing John out!
But last week, topped them all! In the course of two days, we received two envelopes with substantial amounts of cash...both from single mothers (one newly married single mom)! These are not wealthy people by any means! They reminded me of the widow's might. Here we are, a married couple with a very nice income, and we are receiving cash gifts from these single moms! Blessed, yes, but more than that, HUMBLED! You see, one of the things we have had to learn in God's economy is how to receive! I never thought that was an issue. But was God has showered us with blessings, we have had to realize that we have to be willing to humbly receive the gifts he has for us...just like we had to learn to receive His most precious gift of salvation! They don't usually come how we expect them or even in the most "comfortable" way. But that is God's economy! He uses whomever is willing! This time it was two ladies who walked in obedience and sacrifice to God and taught this mother more than I am sure they will ever know! Because in my legalistic mind, God promises to provide our needs, not our wants! But God showed us this month, that even wants can be in His provision! As long as we walk in His economy and do well with the little things He entrusts to us, He will continue to provide!
Was thinking on those things this morning and couldn't sleep. You see, I don't think we have done so well with the "little" things and am amazed that God continues to bless us! But God reminded me that he desires obedience over sacrifice! So I got out of bed and spent my time with Him this morning paying bills! You see, even paying bills can be a worshipful experience when I remember where my money comes from and Who is my provider!
I can't say that I didn't have some moments of anxiety as we look at the coming months when we will have to make the payments for the baby's delivery and we look at losing the foster stipend for Baby Girl. But God quickly quieted my Spirit with the Holy Spirit's whisper, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own. We will tackle tomorrow when tomorrow gets here. I am your Provider. Trust!"
And trust Him I do! He replaced my anxiety with anticipation! I can't wait to share more miracles of how God's economy works in our home and the homes of our friends who are on this journey with us! God has brought some of the most humble and generous people I have ever met into our lives at our new church home! I can't wait to see how God uses this portion of His body to impact the world as so many of my friends continue to reach out to the least of these...and I see God working miracle after miracle in each of our lives for us to "afford" it as we navigate the world's economy all the time relying on HIS economy!
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Journey: Saying Good-Bye
Today has been an emotional day! I am packing up B-Man's items. He is moving to a new foster home tomorrow. We knew all along that B-man would probably not be our permanently, but knowing that and the reality of letting him go are two different things!
It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.
I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!
We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!
His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.
There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!
But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.
God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!
Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!
I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.
I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!
Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.
Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!
So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!
It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.
I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!
We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!
His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.
There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!
But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.
God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.
I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!
Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!
I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.
I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!
Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.
Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!
So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A Chance for Some Kids!
We are having our second annual Tour of Homes for Addy's Hope this Saturday. We are using the funds this year to provide foster family scholarships if they need a little extra $$ to get things like fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, etc. to finish the foster license process. We have an extreme shortage in our area of foster families. Right now 60% of our kids have to leave the region. That is just in sane! So we are doing this to try to help bring that number down.
One of the things we are doing this year since we are focusing on state kids is we will have the heart gallery in the homes. Each home will have a picture of a child who is available for adoption and waiting for a forever family! They delivered the pictures this afternoon! I haven't had a chance to look at all of them, but the few I have, well, they break my heart! I see Princess M in each one of them. The stories she has told, the way she thinks life is for everyone, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY! These kids need families!
This is the first time these kids' pictures have been viewed! They are brand new! It is so exciting!
Will you pray with me? Will you pray that these kids will find their forever families THIS WEEKEND?! God can do it! He can send whomever He has picked for them to the home their picture is at and let their eyes pierce the heart of the mom and dad that are supposed to bring them home!
I found a letter I had written Princess M the day I resolved that she was ours and there was no turning back....the day I trusted God with this journey and agreed to let go of my fears and walk in faith! Brings tears to my eyes every time I think about "what if" I hadn't done that? What if I had let my fears and doubts in my abilities and strength get the best of me? She has only been here a little over a week, and I can't imagine not having her here! She has my heart....all of it! Yes, there have been some hard spots. Yes, it is exhausting having a teen girl and all the emotions and drama that go with that...but SHE. IS. WORTH. EVERY. EXHAUSTING. SECOND!
Pray with me! I will get all the pictures out and list the names and ages of the kids. If I can find them on TARE, I will post the links so you can read about who you are praying for! I'm excited! And if you live in the are and need tickets to the tour, let me know! Saturday, Dec 4th from 6-9 - Eight homes! All sizes and shapes including Lofts on Main! Great way to spend a Saturday evening and you will be helping a great cause at the same time! And if you are local and have a blog, would you help us spread the word?! You can buy tickets at the houses, so no pre-purchase is necessary! Last minute tourers are welcome! :)
One of the things we are doing this year since we are focusing on state kids is we will have the heart gallery in the homes. Each home will have a picture of a child who is available for adoption and waiting for a forever family! They delivered the pictures this afternoon! I haven't had a chance to look at all of them, but the few I have, well, they break my heart! I see Princess M in each one of them. The stories she has told, the way she thinks life is for everyone, NO CHILD SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY! These kids need families!
This is the first time these kids' pictures have been viewed! They are brand new! It is so exciting!
Will you pray with me? Will you pray that these kids will find their forever families THIS WEEKEND?! God can do it! He can send whomever He has picked for them to the home their picture is at and let their eyes pierce the heart of the mom and dad that are supposed to bring them home!
I found a letter I had written Princess M the day I resolved that she was ours and there was no turning back....the day I trusted God with this journey and agreed to let go of my fears and walk in faith! Brings tears to my eyes every time I think about "what if" I hadn't done that? What if I had let my fears and doubts in my abilities and strength get the best of me? She has only been here a little over a week, and I can't imagine not having her here! She has my heart....all of it! Yes, there have been some hard spots. Yes, it is exhausting having a teen girl and all the emotions and drama that go with that...but SHE. IS. WORTH. EVERY. EXHAUSTING. SECOND!
Pray with me! I will get all the pictures out and list the names and ages of the kids. If I can find them on TARE, I will post the links so you can read about who you are praying for! I'm excited! And if you live in the are and need tickets to the tour, let me know! Saturday, Dec 4th from 6-9 - Eight homes! All sizes and shapes including Lofts on Main! Great way to spend a Saturday evening and you will be helping a great cause at the same time! And if you are local and have a blog, would you help us spread the word?! You can buy tickets at the houses, so no pre-purchase is necessary! Last minute tourers are welcome! :)
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