So today was not a Hallmark movie day at the Petree house! In fact, more than once, I found myself at the end of my rope. I quit at least twice today! We are in a really rough phase with two of our kiddos from hard places. I heard at a conference last year the term "specialized parenting" to describe how you have to parent children with a history of abuse or trauma. I thought of that several times today and wondered if God realized He gave these precious ones in need of specialized parenting a pretty ordinary mother who was thinking she really can't supply all they need. So many times peole tell me, "I could never do what you do"....well, I have news for you, today, I couldn't do it either!
You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age. But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!
Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind. "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could..... Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root! But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.
The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no. We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much. We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more. We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three. We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again. We could have told God, I can't do that. And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did. However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life". And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!
You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that". Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy. I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!" But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth. His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him! That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!
What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!" Is it staying in a loveless marriage? Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system? Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago? Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!" Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?" You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him! That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here. That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there! Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children. But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me! So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?
Showing posts with label life with toddlers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life with toddlers. Show all posts
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Coffee with Mary
Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder. As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary. Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb. That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the humility, obedience and respect that I pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."
I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy. Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him. Men bowed before him. But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!
Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary. But in a new way now. I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant. I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church. I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy. I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple. And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.
This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked. Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands. Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it. There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go. And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do. Life is hard because I said yes!
John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. I sang it at many Christmas events and as a Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light!
" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process! Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!
"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness? As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands. Did Mary feel this way? Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?
"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?" That has been my heart's cry for weeks now! God, truly you have over estimated me! Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man! Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands! Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too? At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited? Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her. I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt. When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!
But I think I already know. Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!" When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place! She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!
I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy. Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him. Men bowed before him. But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!
Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary. But in a new way now. I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant. I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church. I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy. I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple. And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.
This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked. Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands. Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it. There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go. And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do. Life is hard because I said yes!
John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith. It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. I sang it at many Christmas events and as a Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light!
" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process! Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!
"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness? As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands. Did Mary feel this way? Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?
"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?" That has been my heart's cry for weeks now! God, truly you have over estimated me! Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man! Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands! Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too? At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited? Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her. I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt. When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!
But I think I already know. Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!" When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place! She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
A little Funny...
Because it seems I am always so heavy on here, I decided ot share a little story about my morning with you!
I had five of the kids in the car early this morning because Callie needed to be to school a little early. That meant I needed to be at three campuses, one of which is twenty mintues away and drop everyone off between 7:20 and 8. I sent everyone to the car, ran and jumped in and off we went!
I got Ava and Toben dropped off with out incident. I even managed to get past the crazy crossing guard before she had traffic stopped every direction to wait for a child who was still half a block away and strolling at a pace allowing her to take in every blade of grass and crack in the sidewalk while traffic in all four directions waits and watches....but I digress!
I drive to Madion's pre-school which is at the other elementary in our subdivision. It is about three miles away, but with school traffic patterns, it can be a bit of a nightmare getting her there on time! But this morning we are plenty early! I pull up to the drop off point. Callie turns around to tell Madison goodbye but instead shock and horror come across her face as she yells, "Mom! Did you not know she is in her nightgown?!" I die laughing and explain that this is Red Ribbon Week and today is pajama day, so of course I know she is in her nightgown! What kind of mom would I be to put her in the car and not know she is in her pajamas?! I get out and go around to the other side of Big Momma to get her out. When I open the door I see the nightgown...and the bare feet! "Madison, where are your shoes?", I asked knowing that at one point this morning they were on her feet! "In your room!", comes the sweet reply. Well, I am not the kind of mom who would not notice her child in her pajamas as she loads the car, but evidently I am the mom that fails to notice she is taking a child to school without shoes!
So I calmly close the van door, tell the teacher waiting to take Madison inside that we will return just as soon as we get her shoes, and I get behind the wheel and drive off as the teacher's gaze follows with a very perplexed yet amused look about her.
So in case you have ever ended up at your destination with a barefoot child, you can now know, you are not alone!
Have a terrific Tuesday!
I had five of the kids in the car early this morning because Callie needed to be to school a little early. That meant I needed to be at three campuses, one of which is twenty mintues away and drop everyone off between 7:20 and 8. I sent everyone to the car, ran and jumped in and off we went!
I got Ava and Toben dropped off with out incident. I even managed to get past the crazy crossing guard before she had traffic stopped every direction to wait for a child who was still half a block away and strolling at a pace allowing her to take in every blade of grass and crack in the sidewalk while traffic in all four directions waits and watches....but I digress!
I drive to Madion's pre-school which is at the other elementary in our subdivision. It is about three miles away, but with school traffic patterns, it can be a bit of a nightmare getting her there on time! But this morning we are plenty early! I pull up to the drop off point. Callie turns around to tell Madison goodbye but instead shock and horror come across her face as she yells, "Mom! Did you not know she is in her nightgown?!" I die laughing and explain that this is Red Ribbon Week and today is pajama day, so of course I know she is in her nightgown! What kind of mom would I be to put her in the car and not know she is in her pajamas?! I get out and go around to the other side of Big Momma to get her out. When I open the door I see the nightgown...and the bare feet! "Madison, where are your shoes?", I asked knowing that at one point this morning they were on her feet! "In your room!", comes the sweet reply. Well, I am not the kind of mom who would not notice her child in her pajamas as she loads the car, but evidently I am the mom that fails to notice she is taking a child to school without shoes!
So I calmly close the van door, tell the teacher waiting to take Madison inside that we will return just as soon as we get her shoes, and I get behind the wheel and drive off as the teacher's gaze follows with a very perplexed yet amused look about her.
So in case you have ever ended up at your destination with a barefoot child, you can now know, you are not alone!
Have a terrific Tuesday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
