More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

A Crisis of Faith: Part Two

I wish I had blogged all about this crisis of faith I have had BEFORE we got our license so you could all see my heart in this! Just know that all I share, occurred and transformed me BEFORE the happy ending! There has just not been any time to really sit and process all this in a way that was fit for public viewing....but I am taking some time today because I believe that sharing our journey is one of the most important ways people in the Body of Christ can encourage each other!

There is a phrase that is used in the Body a LOT that many times hits a sour note with me. That phrase is, "God is good!" Now before you crucify me, let me explain. That phrase is most often used after someone receives good news, an answer to prayer. Rarely is it posted when someone receives a diagnosis of cancer or when an adoption falls through. That is why it hits a sour note with me. You see, that statement is true whether the news is bad or good! God is good all the time!

Over the past few years, I have come to find a common thread in American religion/Christianity. Whether you talk to far right conservatives, middle of the road evangelicals or far left charismatics, they all to some degree have the same message. When God works in our lives, at some point, there will be a nice little package with a bow that we can place his work in. Maybe it isn't that way at first, but eventually, there will be a wrapping up of God's work that will make sense and be for our good- in a worldly sense of money, fame,power, or happiness. I am finding more and more that I have not in any way been prepared for the battles I face in this Christian walk! There is no blame in that! I believe everyone who has ever spoken into my life gave me the best they had and prepared me a little more than I was before I knew them! However I haven't met many American Christians who have a clear picture of how God works in our lives based on a Biblical principal. I feel so blessed to be a part of the Body that I am right now because I believe they "get this" in a way that I have not ever seen.

In fact, our pastor is currently doing a series called Jesus VS Jesus. So far he has taught on Jesus VS Mister Rogers, Jesus VS Stoic Jesus and Jesus VS Genie Jesus. Next week is Jesus VS Republican Jesus. You can get the pod casts at MidCities.org and I would love for you to come with me next Sunday to hear Jesus VS Republican Jesus!

This idea of Genie Jesus that Daniel preached on yesterday fit right in with what God has been showing me. Three aspects of Genie Jesus are: 1) 911 Jesus - who we call on in an emergency 2) Fire Insurance Jesus - better to be safe than sorry 3) and Prosperity Jesus. All three of these are traits that God/Jesus has, but they are not ALL he offers or desires for/from us!

That struggle with the decision I had to make about which path to take in Part One was founded in a lot of these Genie Jesus ideas. I have a microwave faith. Even though I know that the Bible doesn't speak of a faith that is fulfilled in minutes, days, hours, years or sometimes even lifetimes (Heb 11)! Yet, I still get so discouraged when God doesn't answer prayer quickly. I have struggled with one prayer request that I know is God's desire because it lines up with His word exactly, yet it has not been fulfilled over the past 11 and a half years I have prayed for it! So where is God? It left me wondering if God was real. It left me doubting all of God's word. If I can't count on the scriptures that say God will answer my prayers, then how do I stand on any of His promises?

Those were the questions that I began wrestling through with God. He has been so faithful to answer me! I am so thankful!

I began looking at the people I know who exhibit the qualities in their walk that I desire....for this season, I am looking at how to build steadfastness in my walk! How do I keep from doubting when it all seems to fall apart? How do I keep my mind/faith from going down south with circumstances? One thing I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how mature I may think I am, there is still a TON of room for growth! God is not done with me yet! And so He began answering my questions.

One thing I notice in people I admire like Beth Moore, Judy Rouse, Sarah Palin and many more is that they have confidence! They are not swayed (at least not that I see) by the thoughts and attitudes of others. They have courage! So I began a word study of courage. Now I know that many who know me would wonder why I would need to study courage! I have been told more than once that I am a strong person and that I even have too much courage because my heart is hard to see. Comments like that would hit my core and make me shrink back and believe that courage is a bad thing. That I should never be strong when it will hurt or offend others. Isn't that what tolerance is? Isn't that what loving and not judging means? Well, maybe in culture, but no in God's economy!

Courage is from the Hebrew word chazaq and means "to show oneself strong"! I love that! But there was more!

Numbers 13:20 and 2 Samuel 10:12 use the word courage. When I read these two scriptures, God clearly spoke! When dealing with spiritual warfare, I must have courage! I must show myself strong! What I wrote in my journal that day was, "When dealing with spiritual warfare, I have to have courage- the enemy, the warring factions, that set themselves up against me have to see that I am strong or they will find my weak spot and eat me alive!" 2 Samuel 10:12 says, "Be strong and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the Lord do what is good in His sight." We have to be strong as leaders to keep the flock (whoever that is for you!) from being afraid - and to do what we can - then the rest is in the hands of the Lord and we need not worry or look back to what we should have done! This was freedom for me! I had been ridiculed by those in the Christian community so many times for my courage when facing what I sensed as clear danger from the enemy. But this scripture reaffirmed that I am to walk in courage! I am to face these battles head on, do what I am called to do and then let God handle the outcome! As long as I do that, I have done my job regardless of what those who look at me would say about it!

But there was still more! I looked up courage in Websters and it said this: "the quality of mind that enables one to face danger with confidence, resolution and firm control of oneself." Wow! I immediately began to pray for more courage! But I wanted to see if there were even more to the definition of courage, so I used my handy dandy iPhone and looked it up on the dictionary app I have on there. And there was more!!! Here is what dictionary.com said, "to act in accordance with one's belief especially in spite of criticism" [emphasis mine]! I needed that! I could hear the Holy Spirit yelling within me, "This is for you!!! Memorize it! Take it to heart! In this world you will have criticism! Don't listen to it! Do what I say with courage and confidence and don't look back!"

In the work I do, and because of my very black and white personality, criticism is nearly a constant in my life. If I don't get it directly from the critics, then someone is usually willing to share what the critics said about me! In adoption work, as with many types of ministry, there will always be someone unhappy with how you handle a situation. Despite my desire to provide communication and honesty with families, I have been called a liar on many occasions. Those words hurt. They cut me to the core! And then they make me shrink back from what God is telling me to do because my human side says I can't be doing things right if that many people think I am a liar, a cheat and an "unchristian" person. So these truths were so liberating!

And that is just in my work as an adoption professional!

These truths can also be applied to my personal life! As I stated in Part One, walking the narrow path will mean that there will be criticism even from Christians. It goes back to the pretty little package idea! My life has rarely if ever seen God's desires for me wrapped in that pretty little package! It has been messy! My first experience as a mother was a miscarriage! I was told to pray with faith! I did! For three weeks I prayed like never before, but I lost her anyway! The comments of some well-meaning people in my life left me feeling like I lost her because I didn't have enough faith! Nothing could have been farther from the truth! In fact, that was one of the biggest faith builders that God could have ever done in my life as a mother! He taught me with Hope (what John and I named her) that my children whether they were born of my body or placed in my home by adoption are not mine! They are His! He will take them when He wants and use them how He wants. It has made me such a more relaxed mother and allowed me to love my adopted children fully! I don't know if I would have survived losing Eden and Addy with my faith in tact if I hadn't walked through losing Hope. As promised, God used my hurt for my good and His glory!

Once again, no pretty package with Addy and Eden! We lost nearly $40K in that adoption and have nothing to show for it by worldly standards but a broken heart. But in God's economy, that was His money anyway and the investment is still bringing in a return! I have had many people ask me if we missed God's will in that adoption. I have asked the same thing...because it didn't end up with that pretty bow on a nice package that God's will has to show up in for American religion to recognize it! Why didn't Addy die four months before? Then I would never have hurt for her loss. But Addy's death birthed Addy's Hope! The birth of Addy's Hope has brought home 35 children who are now in Christian homes, provided an orphanage and school for children in need in Liberia, provided numerous scholarships for many children, two water wells for villages in Liberia without clean water, two medical clinics for communities without it, and there is more! I would say that is a pretty good investment for $40K! Most of those things were not works of John and I, but of the Body of Christ working together using Addy's Hope as their path. So why did Addy not die four months before? Because God needed us to love a little girl that would bring the need of a people group we thought we understood to our front door! Because God has a purpose that didn't come with a bow, but heart ache and pain that even now leaves me typing through tears. But would I do it again? In a heart beat! For it is what God used to set me on the path to my destiny! Could I see that on July 12, 2004 when we got the phone call about Addy? No! But 5 and a half years, 35 children, two medical clinics, numerous scholarships, etc, etc, later, I can see it! And I am blown away!

But even knowing that, it was hard to apply the same principles to my current battles and struggles! I reverted back to the familiar....God couldn't be in something that is soooo hard! God couldn't be calling me to a path that would bring more suffering, demand more time, possibly put my children at risk, etc, etc.

But as I read the Bible and reflected on courage and listened to teachers that I admire, clarity came! Read the Bible! I challenge anyone to show me Bible stories with happy endings tied up with pretty bows! Abraham had a promise from God that he would have descendants that outnumbered the stars.....God just left out the part that it would be tens of years before He fulfilled it! In their hast to fulfill God's promise for Him, Abraham and Sara took matters into their own hands in a move that has implications even today, thousands of hears later! And then, when God did provide that heir, He told Abraham to sacrifice him...to kill him. I don't see any pretty bow on that! What advice would you give Abraham if he told you that God told him to place his son on an alter? Would you tell him God couldn't be telling him that! Well, did He? Do you believe the Bible or not? Tough stuff!

Courage....I want more! Faith....I want more! Maturity.....I want more!

So I keep walking this path! Asking God to grant me more! And He is answering...

to be continued.....

[if you made it through this whole post, then you have endurance! Processing all this is more wordy than I thought it would be!!!]

Fighting for what is right...

I receive the daily devotions from Proverbs 31 Ministry...they are wonderful! I would encourage you to subscribe! Today, the title was, "Raising Children with Moral Courage". I have been accused more than once of being too bold or too outspoken. I'm sure you find that astonishing! ha! But the older I get and the more I work in different circles, the more I am amazed at the lack of backbone I see in people. Few are willing to stick out their necks for what is right, especially if it means that they may receive ridicule for their stand.

The devotion said it this way and points to our children:

Although Jesus calls us to a life of forgiveness and compassion, even He didn't tolerate those who dishonored God's holy temple. With righteous indignation, Jesus turned over tables, and drove out money changers and those who were selling doves within the walls of the temple, accusing them of turning His father's house into "a den of robbers" (Mark 11:17). The Bible records many stories of men and women with moral courage. These individuals knew what was right, and were willing to take a stand in spite of their own fear. They weren't perfect, but the heroes of our faith saw injustice as more than a personal offense, they saw it as an offense against God.As it becomes easier to settle into a life of ambiguity, our children are finding it harder to summon moral outrage. Today a challenge is set before us as parents to raise, and to be, men and women who will stand for what is right. We live in a world that needs the touch of God through the hand of His people. We can't be bystanders and make a difference.As parents we can instill moral courage into our children by stepping out in faith to help someone else, in spite of inherent risks. You see, we can't learn moral courage from a book. We can only learn it by being brave once. Then doing it again.

Let's be brave today! Look for ways today that Christ is asking you to take a stand for the less fortunate or the bullied...as I saw the news story this morning of the 15 year old who was set on fire by his classmates, I realize that the world our children are growing up in is nothing like the world I grew up in, and they are going to need so much more courage than even we do to take a stand! So let's now wait another day to model this courage before our children!