Coming to you from Belgium!

Well, I have made it this far! Jeremy and I are in Belgium....poor Jeremy, we missed connecting in Jewark. I thought he was already on the plane, so I got on, and he wasn't, and he waited for me and was the last one on the plane! But we are now connected and sitting at the gate waiting to board.

I am still not feeling great, but doing ok. Thought my ears were going to explode landing in Brussels, but other than that, I am holding my own!

Hope to post from Liberia daily so you can keep up with what is going on...at least as much as I can post on a public forum! :)

Pray for my family! I left the house a mess and no groceries in the cupboard. My sweet husband says it is fine, but I feel like a horrible wife and mom! Pray for my kids as they always try to be brave, but as Callie said on the way to the airport this morning, "I am less afraid now than I was the first time you went, but I still get a little scared!" They are great kids! I am blessed!

T-minus 36 hours and counting!

Trying not to panick! I leave in less than 36 hours! Not packed, haven't finished gathering all that I need, don't have my game plan like I would like to have, and am already missing my kids!

But at the same time, I can't wait to see my other kids either! John was giving me a hard time about changing Ava's diaper, saying I would be gone, so it was my turn, and I reminded him that I was leaving 4 to go to about 50! :)

Lots to do tomorrow, but by the grace of God it will all get done, or what doesn't must not have been that important anyway!

I was able to put it all aside and enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family! Each Thanksgiving that I spend on this Earth getting to know my Savior better finds me even more thankful than the last for more little things in life! This year is no different! I have too many things to be thankful for to even start a list! Hope all of you find the same thing to be true today! Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas.....

We have a forest of trees in our living room! My sweet husband cleaned house today while I put together a 46 page report to take with me to Liberia! So we are ready to put up Christmas decos tomorrow! If you remember from last year, I John says I have a tree fetish. So we got out all the trees tonight and spread the branches and made sure the lights worked. They were all in the living room, and it really did look ridiculous to have that many trees! But I LOVE them! Everyone has their own tree that is themed to their room. I love trying to find inexpensive ways to deocrate them in the themes of their room! Callie's has shells we picked up from our beach trip, Ava's has brown pom-poms attached to ribbon on her pink tree. So it will all come out tomorrow!

Toben was so excited! He was a little disappointed that the "bigger tree" didn't go in his room. But this is how he ended his night, "Dear God, thank you for my Christmas tree! Amen!" And I wiped a tear as I kissed his sweet face and tucked him in to his warm, snug, soft bed!

anonymous comments blocked

I know I have some friends who comment with anonymous and then sign their names. I hope you have blogger id's that you can sign in and still comment as I love hearing from you!

However, I have blocked anonymous comments from my blog. Evidently there is someone out there who thinks they know me really well but doesn't have a clue about the heart behind my posts. I am all for opposing comments and challenging my thinking, in fact I seek that out in my life in the form of mentors! But for someone to do that and not have the guts to sign their name to their opinions, doesn't really make me value their thoughts at all. If you don't want to sign your name, then I don't want to know what you have to say! I think that is just a basic corteousy of blog posting! I was ok with it on the adoption issue, but this person seems to just keep hounding away. If you would like to reveal your identity, I would be happy to have a discussion with you about these topics and welcome the criticism, but if you are not willing to talk about it with out hiding, then I don't think its worth my time.

T-minus 4 days and counting!

So yesterday, I got our hobby room almost painted and got my shopping done for Thanksgiving! Tried to get most of my shopping done for the trip, but that always takes more than one trip no matter how much I plan!

Today I will finish the painting do John can lay the floor, and then hopefully move in my stuff! I can't wait! Didn't realize how much of an energy drain all of the "stuff" in that room piled up was until it was all cleaned out and open! God has been telling me for three years to get organized! I haven't ignored him, but haven't really known what to do either. I find that them more I listen, the more He tells! :) ha! that was a "Duh!" statement if there ever was one!

I am also trying to get all the "work" done for the trip today. I have some reports that I need to get printed at the print shop and also business cards for the workers in Liberia.

Then I have to clean house! We are putting up our Christmas decos tomorrow since I will not be back until just two weeks before Christmas. I hope I get lots done today so that I can enjoy tomorrow since this is Toben's first Christmas here! I want to enjoy every ooh and aah he has as we set up all the lights and talk about what a marvelous Gift God sent us in His son! We have a new nativity (took me this long to find one!) that the baby Jesus comes out. It is larger than most nativities. So it will go under our tree in front of any gifts with the empty manger until Christmas morning! Just one more way to remind my kids that this is about JESUS not all the fluff, but I do enjoy the fluff too!

T-minus 5 days and counting!

I leave for Liberia on Saturday! Kind of an unexpected trip, but one God has laid on my heart, so I am going!

Was feeling bad with head cold/flu stuff on Wednesday of last week, Thursday was in ER all day with what the dr says is a "bug" (Dr. Mom says it is a gall bladder attack, and she is usually right about these things!), Friday was wiped out all day because of drugs, etc from Thursday. Sunday had previous commitments that kept me from doing anything on the trip. This morning am still fighting the cold/flu that has left me singing bass with little effort and a list a mile and a half long to get done!

I LOVE this time of year! I am heart sick to leave my children during this magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas! Yet, I am so excited to get to visit my "other children" during this same time! I am totally torn between two worlds!

So I will get off the computer and get to work!

How do you take Hope?

How do you take Hope to a third world country?

As I prepare to leave again for my second home (aka: Liberia), I have been asking God what I need to focus on. There are so many things...way more than I will be able to accomplish while I am there...I need about a year, I will have about a week! But one of the things that haunts me are the pictures I brought back of the village across the street from the land that we were looking to purchase.

Do those dark brown eyes know Jesus? Do they know the One who is The Way? Evangelism has never been my "gifting", and ashamedly, I have used that as an excuse to not share in a bold way my Savior with other people.

I really have no fear of walking up and telling them about Jesus. My fear is doing a poor job of representing Him! I don't want to be the white woman who comes and brings gifts and talks of a man!

As I think through how to be Jesus to them, I ask do I bring rice? Do I bring Bibles? They can't read, so that would be silly! Is there something I can take with the Bible on it in audio that someone with no electricity, no batteries, etc can play? I am sure there is, but I don't know what it is and don't have time to research it! People do this all the time, why am I making it so hard?

Yet, as I look at the people around me, I see what a poor job I do of representing Hope to the people in my daily life! I have family members who don't know Him well or don't trust Him with their lives even if they say they know Him. If I can't share the Hope and Life with them that I have found when they see me daily and see what He is doing in my life, how in the world will I take Hope to a people I see for a mere hour or two once a quarter?

When your hungry, is rice Hope? When you are thirsty, is water Hope? If I take it will they see it from me or from Him? Should I send it with my staff who are Liberia?

God, see my heart! Guide me! Put me right in the middle of what you are doing so that You can shine through! Get me totally out of the way! John says I should have been black, and I kind of wish I was for this mission! My white skin, kind of makes me stick out and associate me with wealth and prosperity when what I really want to be associated with is Jesus! Have your way with me! Show me what Hope is to these hopeless people!

Is it a glimmer of light through an open door or an on-coming train?

So after the BANG, I really put adopting right now out of my mind! I even started thinking how nice it would be to just "be". No big events on the horizon...just settling in as a family of 6! John will be very excited to hear that! I know pregnancy would not be possible (unless a miracle happened) because of the health issues I have been having. So with out adopting, our family would be complete, I think. I could get used to that idea for at least a while.



There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.



Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?



I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.



I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."



As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!



Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."



What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.



There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!



Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!



But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?



So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!

Bang!

That is the sound of a door shutting!

I just got an e-mail from the agency. She talked to the b-mom today who now says she wants an open adoption. I am not a fan of open adoption for a multitude of reasons. I am great with letters and photos through a third party, but not total open adoption. I know that is not a popular view, but add it to the list of my not popular views!

Plus the bmom liked a family that she had already sent a profile on. So they are having a conference call on Wednesday with that family. This bmom hasn't even seen our profile, I don't think.

As I was just discussing with a friend, why does God place these desires so long before the fulfillment?

No news

For those of you following the baby story...there is no news. The letter from the agency should have arrived at the prison Friday afternoon. I e-mailed the agency and asked if they had heard anything from the Birthmom, but I haven't gotten a response from the agency....they are not so great to get back to me!

This post has been a long time coming! - Part Three

Boy you guys get ugly when I don't finish a story!

So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.

So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?

There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!

But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.

In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.

Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!

But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.

On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.

I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*

So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!

I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!

So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!

I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "

And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!

I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!

I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!

So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!

The roller coaster of adoption!

I got word from the agency with the b-mom who is now in jail that she has sent a letter with the agency 1-800 # on it to her. That way she can call if she doesn't have the 1-800 #. She was supposed to receive the letter by this afternoon. But when can she call? Will she get a phone call this weekend?

John hasn't said I could, but I offered (disclosing that my husband hadn't given full permission) to go to wherever she is in jail and meet with her. I would LOVE to have this baby, however, I would be willing to go meet her just to keep this baby from going to the state! NO BABY DESERVES TO GO TO THE STATE!

I did find our that her other six kids are in state custody! This baby has to go to a family from the star that will keep her. I would LOVE for that to be our family, but I don't know if that is God's plan! I am open and willing, but there are some definite doors that would have to be opened for that to happen.

So please just pray for this birthmom! God will know who you are praying for! Pray that she makes an adoption plan for this baby, pray that she and this baby are kept safe...and selfishly, pray that she is ours! On that note, pray for unity in the P-tree house hold!

I definitly don't understand God's ways, but you can't say the Chrsitian walk is boring! ha!

This post has been a long time coming! - Part Two

So I did explode...several times! My kids thought there mom had lost her mind, I am quite sure. I can remember one time having to leave the house and walk around it several times to calm down and wondering if I really was losing it! John would just look at me like I was nuts, well I probably was!

I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!

Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!

I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!

He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!

He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!

So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!

to be continued........

The simple truths

Well, you guys may get a lot out of me this morning! My alarm clock this morning was a 4:15 phone call from Liberia, and I can't go back to sleep after those, so I have lots of time this morning! :)

John has been doing the Experiencing God Bible Study. I have wanted to do it with him, but refuse to pay the price...so I am going to be bargain shopping on ebay and amazon for it! I have tried to do it in his book to save money, but I am a serious note taker, marker upper person. So I really can't use his book! I need the freedom to mark what I want to really absorb it! Just the way I am made.

However, I have started it with his book so I won't be too far behind him. I didn't even get all the way through day 1 before I had to stop and absorb. The first scripture was 1 Cor 2:14, "The man with out the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of Godk for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned." Such a simple truth that I have read many times, but today it had new meaning! I LOVE it when He does that!!!

The word that stuck out to me was "foolishness". It stuck out because I know I am a woman with the Spirit, but how many times are "the things that come from the Spirit of God" still foolishness to me? How many times does God look at me and say, "do _______", and I go, "Huh?!" I don't understand, or I think it is ridiculous because I can't see the bigger picture. I think I am getting better, but I still have a long way to go!

For example, our personal budget that you guys heard me vent about yesterday morning. God may be looking at that and saying, I want to show myself in your peronal finances, will you let me?! While I am sitting here saying, we serve you, I could make more money teaching than what I do now, but I am serving you in my job (not that teachers don't serve....they do!!!! I was one of them too at aone time!) and keeping my commitment to my children to be their full time mother while working (lots of I and My in there, huh?!). I hear a sense of entitlement in those comments, don't you? I think I need to do some spiritual discerning over money! That is an area where I am not there yet!

But then in other areas, I am! For example, John and I have been praying about adopting again. There have been several scenarios that have presented themselves. One in particular, I thought was for sure the way we should go, and that door was shut. One is still open. The initial scenario was pretty good. Healthy birth mom, just one state over, have a friend in that state that I could stay with when the baby was born, baby due in Dec (which aligns with my due date estimate based on my impressiong to pray back in April that kind of started this whole topic anyway), might be born on my birthday, etc, etc. Well, we decided to be presented to another situation where the baby was already born instead of this one. We were not chosen for that situation. I have had a keen sense that this might be the one we needed to pursue all along, but John felt led to the other one. So I trusted his leading (am still trusting that!) and we presented to that one. After that door closed, I shared my feelings with him, admitting that I probably should have shared earlier, but am still trying to figure out this submission vs being led role that I have talked about (click on submission under my topics and you will see my posts on that!).

Over the weekend the situation got even better! The birth mom supposedly moved to Texas! Woohoo!!! No interstate compact!

Well, yesterday, we found out that she in fact did not move to Texas as the agency thought. In fact, she is in jail! They also told us that she is addicted to crack and had not disclosed that to the agency, but her brother told them when they talked to him to try to find her in Texas.

So here is how it went in the Petree house on that one! John is thinking run like crazy! The mother is in jail, there is now drugs involved (we were blessed with Noah, but we know that is not always the case!), will the mom still even make an adoption plan, how does it work when the mom has the baby in jail, will CPS be involved? Etc, etc! All VERY valid concerns and questions!

But I was so excited! Yes, that is right, excited! You see, I can have biological children, so if my goal is just to add children to my family, then lets get pregnant! But my goal is to love the "least of these!" Even when we adopted Noah, I knew our calling was to the children that were not wanted by every family. At that time, inter-racial adoption was not nearly as common as it is now (at least not in our part of the world), so even that was huge! Add the drugs, unknown birth father, mother's life-style, etc, etc and you have a recipe for faith walking! We did and it was wonderful!!!! I believe these are the situations that I am called to. I got the impression that even the agency wanted to drop her. They just wanted to send me on to the next AA baby girl! But I kept telling them, I want this one! I know they are not sure if she will place, if they can find her, they have already spent a lot of time on her, and I understand that. But that baby is worth it! And now more than ever, she needs a home!!!

So when I found out that she is a drug baby and in mom is in jail, I had a quickening in me! This verse explains why, I think. To pursue such a situation is "foolishness" if you look at it with our the Spirit! You see, the healthy birthmom that answers all the agencies phone calls, is college educated, has no "red flags" is the safe way! Sometimes God lets us take a safe journey, I am not saying it HAS to be risky to be of God, however, I am learning that the only time God can really shine is when it is impossible with out Him! I was thinking that yesterday, then I read the intro to the Bible study this morning and it just confirmed it: "When you obey, God accomplishe through you something only He can do [emphasis mine]. Then you come to know GOd in a more intimate way by experiencing Him at work through your life." That is soooo true!

I believe the quickening was God saying, "Let's do it! Come on, let me shine and show you some more of who I Am!" Now let me explain, that this was all after yesterday. Let me tell you my day yesterday:

I am chairman of the Book Fair at Callie and Noah's school. We seem to have had a shortage of volunteers this time. So yesterday I had to be at the Fair at 7:30 am for the Goodies with Grands event....along with treats to eat! I had all four kids up and ready to go by then. I had to take the little ones with me (they can unshelve books faster than I can get them off the floor!). Then the volunteers were late, so I had to stay until almost 9. Then had to come home, try to squeeze in some work and feed the kids to be back up there at 11:45 (nap time!). Stayed until a little after 1 when I thought we were going to have melt downs, and told the two volunteers that were there that I had to go home and let the kids run around and would be back before the after school rush.

On the way out the school doors, I looked down at my two precious angels and thought, "WHAT AM I THINKING????!!!!! I would be halling THREE kids around right now if I had a baby! I am already a nit wit! How in the world would I be with a baby that kept me up at night, that needs diapers and formula in a budget that is already not enough? (See yesterdays post for that rant!). And God just spoke as if He was staning right next to me! It went something like this, "Aw, good. Now you see it my way! You can't do it, but I can!" That was before I found out about the jail and drug isssue with the birth mom.

I don't know how this story will end. But I know God wants my obedience and faith! He wants to do more "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his pwer that is at work with in us" (Eph 3:20). But that requires me to let go of control, trust Him, and walk by faith in obedience! Oh how I want to do that!

Money...ugh!!!

I HATE money! Absolutely hate it! The Bible says it is the root of all evil. I say it is also the root of all frustration! John and I started our marriage debt free except for a house mortgage and one car loan. We were blessed! We just didn't realize or appreciate that and soon racked up credit card debt. We have been debt free twice since then! The last time was when we committed to the girls. We put their adoption on a credit card. I don't really recommend that...I think God wants to provide other ways for adoption fees, but I wasn't involved in the adoption world like I am now and didn't know all the outlets available. Then when the adoption failed, John and I both were angry and pretty well "spent" our frustrations since it left us in debt and broken.

Now we are even more in debt! It seems no matter how hard we try, the more in debt we get! For the past year or so, we haven't made progress because we were in denial of how much debt we had! But I was convicted several months ago about our debt and have been tracking everything and trying with all my might to come up with ways to pay it off! I was so excited and ready to climb this mountain....then the extra kids came. God blessed us beyond measure with donations of food, and even some monetary donations that have helped with the expenses, but it still wasn't enough to cover the extra cost. I don't regret one penny that we spent, and I would do it all again in a heart beat (they are with their new family now...haven't had time to post about that....and I miss them, but am sooooo excited for them and their new family!). However, it took the wind our of the sail of my resolve to get this thing done!

I am praying about getting a second job on weekends....maybe Starbucks. I think it would be a break from every day life, and maybe give us the extra umph we need to get over this mountain! But it will mean time away from my family and added stress I am sure to an already stressed life.....but we HAVE to get over this hump and get this debt paid off! Having any credit card debt just makes it too easy to add to it! We need to cut up the credit cards, but we have to have one for John's work. It is the only one we use, but it gets used for other things. It has been removed from my wallet! No chargin....period! Not even Christmas, and that may mean some people get IOU's for Christmas.

I have analyzed our spending this month....there is no extravagance! In fact, it stuck to the bare necessities...didn't even use the clothes budget for clothes as every one's closet is full (except Toben who needs more jeans, but for now I will just have to wash a load of jeans mid week to make it last!). And we are broke with the next payday 15 days away!

I know my cyber world is full of friends who are debt free and live much more admirable financial lives than we do! So post away! Tell me your secrets! How did you get out of debt? What sacrifices did you make? How do you stretch your dollars to make it work? I am ready to eat rice and beans and beans and rice if I have to. My family is probably another story, but they may just have to get over it! Tell me your secrets! I need them today!!!

This post has been a long time coming!

Over the past year, I have made several references to something I would post later. I had started the post in a word document, then my computer crashed. So I am going to just hack away at this until I have it all out there. Maybe I will get it all done tonight, or maybe it will be a multiple post story....

I touched on some of my story here. But that was not the whole of it.

I am really not sure when it all started. It was probably late in 2007. I started having problems thinking. It got the point that I couldn't even finish a sentence with out someone giving me the word. It was driving me nuts! I had suffered pretty severe postpartum depression with Ava, even took medicine for a few months. It felt like that was coming back, but everyone said it was too long after the birth for it to be postpartum. So I just went on, living with the issues and telling myself I had to press on! I am the queen of "press on"!

As you know, we took a trip in January of this year to pick up our sweet Toben. On that trip, many things happened. One of the biggest is that a man saw us having dinner (our 4 families and three families from another agency...there were a bunch of us white people with black children!). The guy was from UNICEF but was working with the government to do something...never really was sure what. Didn't really care either! By the next morning, he had "reported" us to the Ministry of Health. The Deputy Minister (who by the way has live in the US for 20 years and whose family STILL lives here!) had put our children's visas on hold and sent out letters stating that we were to be arrested if we tried to cross the borders with our children. So that started a 5 day battle to get our children out.

Turns out the deputy minister had NO RIGHT to do what he did as we already had our papers (including the report from HIS office that was required for the adoptions!). So we were able to get our children home. However, there was a ton of emotions that I experienced. I was there as an agency director, but also as an adoptive mother. John and I both had to wear many caps that trip. We got to see God move mountains, and it was awesome! But it took its toll on my already worn out faith, strength, mind and emotions. I really had to face the fact that I could once again leave a child in Africa, at an airport. It wasn't until we were on the way (very late!) to the airport about 45 minutes before out plain was to take off that we found out we had clearance from all branches of the government and would be allowed on the plane with our children. We refer to that trip as the time we saw the Red Sea part and we walked through it!

By the time we got home, the story had hit international media. There were articles on msnbc and yahoo that said I had been involved in child trafficking and "sneaked" the children out of the country. It was all false, crazy accusations, but still, they were out there for the whole world to see! I seriously didn't know if the FBI was going to knock on my door and arrest me. I know that sounds crazy and dramatic, but when you know the seriousness with which the state department takes child trafficking, and you have a high ranking government official (the same one mentioned earlier!) in a country being quoted as saying you "sneaked" children out of his country, it makes you wonder! We spent the next few days talking to the State Department and a dear friend of ours who has connections in DC to clear our name and make sure there would be no ramifications from this on our side.

So not only was I dealing with all that, but I was also trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 and having a new little man in the house who didn't know the rules and who really messed up pecking order in the P-tree home! Add on top of that 19 families who had heard bits and pieces of our week, but really didn't know for sure what was going on or what it meant for their children. I understood their need for info, but I was really just in need of a break! But no break would come! So I pressed on! (see, there it is again!)

I pressed on through that crisis, through Toben getting settled and Ava getting used to another "baby" in the house. Toben needed lots of hugs and cuddles as can be expected with what he had just experienced! Ava wasn't so sure about sharing her momma! And as many of you know (and I will try to post more on at some point), I don't bond quickly with my adopted children. So while all this was going on, I was trying not to project everything I felt about this country onto my child who just came from there! That was probably one of the hardest parts in those first few weeks!

I assured all my parents that I would continue to fight for their children as if they were my own, and I did. I fought the government, I fought parents who didn't think I was doing enough, I fought feelings of desperation because there was nothing more I could do, I fought personal attacks from parents on blogs (I have learned to be VERY careful which blogs I read!). Add on to that issues in my home. Marriage issues over expectations as the agency took more and more of my time which meant less and less was spent with family and on keeping the house running smoothly. I truly was a time bomb ticking, just waiting to explode.

to be continued..............................................

Excitment

I don't have time to post it all right now, but I am just so excited that I had to post to my cyber friends! I woke up this morning with an excitement that I could not explain! Maybe it was the 12 hours of sleep I got because I had to take Benedrayl because I had another food allergy attack last night...but I know it was more than that! :)

I have been on cloud nine all day! The sermon this morning was given by a guest speaker, and it was AMAZING!!!! When it is on podcast, I will post it here because ALL of you struggling need to hear it! The title was "Staying on the Road". When things get tough, we have to stay on the road! That has been the theme of my life in 2008.

Another reason for my excitment is that John and I are talking at the college ministery's service tonight at Mid-Cities where we are going to church. I NEVER get to talk about this part of our ministry. It will not be focused on adoption, but on what God has done in two ordinary people's lives because one day when they were folding laundry, they decided to walk in obedience and look into opening an adoption agency! I can't wait to tell these young people that God has a plan for their lives that is so big, they can't even imagine it! That no matter what their past or present is, God wants to use them in unimaginable ways!!!! I just can't wait to talk about my favorite subject....JESUS!!!!

Our Profile

Just in case I ever get to send a profile to a birth mom, I made up a profile album on Smilebox.com! It is a reall cool site! So here we are! Seems funny trying to "sell" yourself!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Still hurts

You know, when you are wounded by your Christian family, the hurt lingers. I think I am ok, then something happens to spark the hurt again. Not anything big. This morning, I was cleaning out some old e-mails and came across some from my mentor. I had a 3 year relationship with this person. I considered her among my spiritual heroes...still do. She was my "spiritual mother". There was a breech of confidence in that relationship that was very painful. Obviously, that breech meant I could no longer share the intimate details that I once did, but it didn't change the fact that I know she is a Godly woman who follows hard after God. She is still human, and made a mistake. I took it for what it was. I still wanted to maintain contact. But evidently the feelings were not mutual.

That has been the hardest part about leaving our church. After five years of dedicating our life to that body and investing in the lives of people there, I can count on one hand the number of people who have not dropped us like a hot potato! And really, those are people who have kind of stepped up from the background, not our close friends. Why is that? I really don't understand that. We have made it clear to everyone we speak to that we are disappointed in the leadership, wish they could give Biblical, spiritual reasons for the way they treated us, but that we still wanted to maintain relationships with all our family there. My saying is, we are leaving the church, we are not dead! But I guess to many, those are one in the same. That hurts!

On a positive note, we are having lunch with the pastor and his wife of the church we have been attending. So far we are VERY impressed with their philosophy on ministry and their willingness to meet people right where they are and provide what their body needs to take the next step in their spiritual growth. Seems that there are some who talk about pacing, and there are some who do pacing! So we are really excited to see what comes of that. John met with the music/missions minister last week for lunch and was very impressed with his philosophies and passion for involving others in missions. Both of these lunch meetings were initiated by the pastors, not us! There is a new concept, at least for us common, not in the "in crowd" people.

We know this church will not be perfect either! It is made of humans like us! But it seems to be much more humble and open to new people than our last one. That is exciting! So maybe we have found a church home! I pray so!

$1100 closer

We don't have a baby yet, but two dear friends who have walked through this amazing roller coaster with me have donated $1,100 in faith that we WILL have a baby! My soul is soaring! Now I just need a phone call that says, you are chosen! It all kind feels like an out of body experience! Not sure how to feel....haven't been in these shoes in over seven years when we found out about Noah!

I just keep telling myeslf, "God is in control and whatever the outcome is HIS will and is for my good!" I will keep repeating that so no matter the outcome, whether He gives or takes away, still I will say Blessed be the name of my LORD!

Looking for a miracle!

There is a baby in need of a home. There is a home in need of a baby. What keeps them apart? $20K

Well, I posted a few days ago that I am looking for miracles...well, that was pretty vague. So here is a specific one!

You can look back over my posts and see that God has laid a baby girl on my heart....my first prayer for her was in April...I didn't know why I was needing to pray at that time, but I was overwhelmed with the need to pray...I believed it was something important, like mom was deciding not to abort, to place for aodption...something major! But John has really not been very open to the idea of more children...until the last few days. There was a situation that came up that brought the subject right to our front door, and we had to get the elephant out of the middle of the room so to speak!

Well, that situation, so far, has not materialized, but I did get an e-mail today about a baby girl born Oct 28. She is in Agency cradle care waiting for a family. We have the home study. We have the desire, we just don't have the $20K. I have no idea how we would get $20K in 24 hours, but that is the miracle I have asked God for this evening! We coudl probably get that in cash advance on our credit cards, but then we couldn't pay the minimums!

So I am leaving no stone unturned. If we don't have it and this baby finds a family before we get it, then there is my answer. Am I chasing something because it is just my desire and not God's will....I am willing to admit that is a possibility right now. But really, John coming to the conclusion that we could add a baby to our home is really a much bigger miracle than the $20K! Don't get my wrong, my husband is wonderful! But having more children was really not on his radar! This is him walking in obedience and faith! What we are all called to do!

So, here is how it goes! I am putting my donate button on the side. Let's see what God can do. I've never done anything like this before, but hey, if anyone can land $20K in my paypal account by in the morning, God can! So I have asked him for the money to bring this baby girl, all 5lbs 13 oz and 19 inches of her, into our home!

I will report back! I have heard so many stories over the years in my work of how families have literally been handed checks out of the blue for the amount needed for their adoption....I never dreamed that would happen to me, but with God all things are possible! So I am asking and waiting with anticipation!