Together For Adoption....Eden

I have now had two days of intense information and emotional overload! I'm pooped! But I am determined to get our domestic program off the ground so we can empty the foster system in Texas, and then the whole country of children waiting for permanent adoptive homes! So I am downstairs at my hotel, drinking coffee and writing policies. But in the interest of getting home tomorrow safely, without falling asleep at the wheel, I am wrapping it up and will head to bed.

Today was emotional on several levels. One really good thing was it is the first time I haven't come to one of these and felt like I need to do more! I am in a good place there. I feel like I am totally pouring myself out for orphan care. I am an adoptive mom, a foster mom, an agency director and I am working with my church to launch an orphan care and/or adoption ministry. I have some really good ideas to take back and start working with CPS and the judge to build relationships and make a difference in my community.

But there were two really big holes in my heart today.

First, as I walked around the exhibitors, my heart broke. There were sweet African faces everywhere! But as I looked at the information, I realized there was not a single organization supporting Liberia! In a group of amazing Christians working on the global orphan crisis, Liberia wasn't represented. Why? Because they won't let people help! At least not in large quantities. They will only let the people help who will play by their corrupt rules and their unhealthy games. Saddened me greatly as Liberia used to be the hot spot for Christian activity and aid in Africa. As I walked around there were many, many ministries and organizations helping the same African countries: Uganda, Ethiopia and Rwanda. You have to ask why? Well, because those countries are open to help and willing to work with organizations to receive that help! Liberia's loss....God bring down the leaders who have turned away the help! The people of Liberia want the help! Bring it back to them when these leaders have been humbled.

The other hole came out of nowhere! It was a shock to me. They showed an adoption video of the worship pastor. He adopted from Haiti and got his precious son the day of the earthquake when families had to sit and wait all night in the Haitian airport for ICE to clear them and give them their children to bring home. As he talked about that wait, my last moments with Eden flashed in my mind. While I think of her often (her pictures are all over our house), I don't think of that part often. Pain from a deep down place surfaced yet again. I don't guess I will ever completely heal from that. Much like a parent who has lost a child to death who has lived with them. And right after Eden, comes Addy! My two girls, my twinkling twins who I will never see together this side of heaven! My sweet girl who had to be ripped off my neck, the last image I have of her as she screamed and reached back for me as I ran to the helicopter. But even as the tears flowed, I rejoiced! Why? Because for the first time since I came home without my precious Eden, I could feel the pain but not be angry with God! Praise Him! I'm too tired to think of what all the really means right now, but I continued to worship and rejoice in the fact that I am at peace with God taking me through something so painful and am thankful for the growth it brought me in my calling but even more thankful for the growth it brought me in my spiritual life. I am thankful that I can rest in and rejoice in a sovereign God who took me on a journey that has led me to where I am now...and on top of it all, the mother of 6 kids!

As I stood with my hands raised singing my praises to my Abba, I realized for the first time, maybe ever, I trust! I trust my God with my life and even more importantly, with my heart! Hallelujah!

The "Thing"

It's now 2:00 am. The Thing I didn't want to do is done!

I haven't blogged about it because there were many steps before I really felt comfortable talking about it publicly. Now that its out there, I'm sure posts about how we got here, how I've gotten here, wherever "here" is, will come.

For now, let me just say, it's been hard...well...hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Why was it so hard? I can give you many reasons....some make sense...some are excuses...some you would understand....some you wouldn't.

There have been many steps in the process of turning over the orphanage to Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions. When the decision was first made, and everyone agreed to make the transition, there was relief. The burden of feeding 40+ children and paying the salaries of 16+ staff (who then feed their families both immediate and extended) every month has been a heavy one. God has been faithful. I don't ever want to go without giving Him full credit for the blessings He has poured out on us as we struggled this year and a half. But almost every month our checking account would literally go to less than $100. I would know that there would be a phone call or e-mail saying they were on their last bag of rice. John and I have supported it personally until we almost put ourselves in personal financial ruin. But that is a post for another time! So having that burden lifted by Lifesong taking over was a huge...well...relief doesn't really describe it...but it is the best I have.

But like any good idea, it has to come to fruition. With each step that brought us closer to the reality of Addy's Hope no longer having an orphanage, the harder it became. The last couple of weeks have been agony. There is no other word for it. The process has put me in a crisis of faith that I haven't seen since I came home from Africa without Eden.

I always get blasted when I put that on here....that I have a crisis of faith...but I am here to tell you if you haven't had a crisis of faith yet, then you probably aren't doing anything with your faith! I know very few people who are walking a life totally sold out to Jesus that don't have crisis of faith. When you walk by faith and not by site, things just don't look like we are used to them looking....that rocks your world. As I always say, it is not the crisis that is an issue, it is what you do with it that is! Even as recent as yesterday, I wasn't sure I would make it out of this crisis. I was ready to sit right down in the valley and stay there.

I know that's wrong! I know all the "right" answers. But the thought that backing off of God's work would bring less attacks..well..that sounds pretty good! It would not be truthful to say any different!

What do you do when the thing that you have poured five years of your life into seems to come to a crashing halt? Not a nice little end that you can put a bow on and has no lose ends or frayed edges? This ending has more questions than answers! It has left me wondering how I will take any step of faith from this point forward. The thing that has taken me to the brink of insanity more than once over the past five years, the thing that has strained my marriage more than any other one thing in the past twelve years, the thing that has taken me from my children more than any other thing in this life....it is ending with what by my human eyes seems to be worthless results. Don't get me wrong, I see the value in Lifesong and Master's Home of Champions taking it over! I truly am excited to see what God does with it now....but why couldn't He have done that through Addy's Hope? Not because I care what name is on it, but because I love the children. Because I had that vision and would like to have seen it fulfilled. Because I have had to give up more dreams in this life than I have seen fulfilled....and I'm not talking earthly, worldly dreams! I am talking God-given visions for Kingdom work.

I don't understand it. I know that I will grow through this. In fact, as I e-mailed Emmanuel and the Knapps just a little bit ago, God brought to mind what has come to be knows as my "least favorite scripture", James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." As I always say, the only problem with that, is that there is an assumption that you want maturity! Lately, maturity hasn't been on the top of my list...in fact, throwing myself on the floor and pounding my fists sounds much more appealing!

I have questioned everything from my ability to hear God all the way to His actual existence. Why? Why does a Christian who truly desires to serve and love God with all her heart end up in this place - a place where she even questions His mere existence? I am sure there are many reasons, but as God showed me tonight, one of the biggest is pride. I hate my flesh! I hate the fact that I feel entitled to anything in this life after God sent His only Son knowing the fate He would have. I hate it knowing that Jesus faced far more undeserved persecution than ever I will and endured it all because He loves me! But no matter how much I hate it, its there! When I have been at my lowest the past couple of weeks, I have actually said the words. I have actually spoken with my mouth the vile pride that says I deserve something because I have chosen God's way.

Even in choosing God's way, I deserve death. I deserve death because I am a sinner! No matter how hard I try, I will always be a sinner! That is what happened at the fall! But God saved me! And because of that I owe Him my life....heartache and all...I owe Him.

God,
Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my selfish ways. Thank You for saving me. Thank You that even when I have turned my back on you over the past few weeks, Your Word says you have never left me nor forsaken me. Thank you that those words are true whether I believe them or not! Your love amazes me! It brings me to my knees and puts me on my face! As I have said so many times through this ordeal, may it bring You glory and praise! Even out of the pitiful acts of selfishness I have committed these last weeks, may You be glorified and praised! God help me do better! May I look more like you now than when this started.
I love you, Abba!
~Your Daughter

Dear Addy,

It will be 5 years this Sunday that you left this earth for Jesus' arms. You left before I held you in my own. Your death sent me into a righteous anger I had never known as I learned that your death could have been stopped with an IV and antibiotics.

Many people do not understand why after 5 years I still cry over you, a child I never held in my arms. I don't have any words to tell them. I just have a whole in my heart where you were suppose to sit while I braided your hair and sang you lullabys.

Most days I don't think about the pain. In fact, I have buried it pretty deep...so deep that I often think it is gone. But then days like today come and the scab is torn off and the blood of my wound flows strong again!

The short time that you graced my life with yours is what birthed the calling your daddy and I have given our lives to. God used your short three years and your tragic death to call us to Addy's Hope. Somedays, I wish we had never known you...never started this crazy ministry....but then I think of the other "Addy's" out there. The little boy that came home to the US through Addy's Hope that had major medical issues that the limited medical care in Liberia would never have picked up. He was skin and bones, sad, no smiles, sick. Now, he is a thriving little boy full of smiles playing football and surrounded by the love of a Christian family that he never would have known if not for the role you played in his life...like a pebble thrown in a pond, your life continues to ripple even five years after your death.

I love you, my preciuos Addy Joy! Someday I will hold you! Until then, I picture you being rocked to sleep in the arms of Jesus as angels sing you those lullabys I never got to!

Love,
Mommy