The Reality

Warning: this is one of my "real" posts.  I would appreciate readers just reading and not feeling the need for a sermon or reminding me of all the "right" things to think or do right now.  I know them...I'll get there.  But this is just the reality of where we are.

I am a Mimi again!  Demetri Julian was born Tuesday morning at 1:39.  I was blessed to be there.  He is precious! But the reality is, I don't know if I will get to be a part of his life.

My first grandbaby is almost 11 months old.  We were the only place she could be left because of some things going on, so we kept her while mom was in the hospital.  I was so excited about that...and then reality hit.

This is a baby girl who has no idea who we are.  She is very dependent on her mom.  She has no schedule to try to at least keep that the same for her.

In my mind, it was going to be two days of getting to be Mimi the way I would want to with any of my grandbabies.  But did you know you can't be Mimi when all they do is scream when they are awake?  Did you know consoling a child that you can't console because they have no idea who you are is not what being Mimi is all about?  But it is my reality. And the other kids who have wanted so badly to see her, especially Toben and Ava, wanted to hold her.  But all they got were screams in return.  Yesterday when I left to take her to the hospital to meet her new brother, Ava and Toben ran into the room screaming, "Wait! I want to say good bye!" and "We might not see her again!" That is their reality.

Today we say good bye.  We don't know if it will be for a few days, a few weeks, or again for a few months.  Once again, I find myself in a place of not really having a file to put the emotions this life experience brings.  Definitely sadness and frustration.  But even as I woke this morning, the Lord knew what I needed.  My first thoughts were, "do not grow weary in doing good" and "suffering brings perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope."

The reality stinks! But somewhere under the layers of pain, hope still flickers!

My Baby Girl

A new friend at our new church blessed Paizley with a free newborn shoot for Peighton.  I am so thankful for these shots since they may be all I ever have of my granddaughter.  It's a bit painful to look at them right now.  My heart feels like it might just break in two completely a I wonder about where this precious baby is right now and what her future may hold.  But I know God put her in our life so that we would cover her in prayer during this time!  I may not can physically rescue her, we have done all that we can at this point.  But I can pray angels around her! The past two days have been so hard as I think about Peighton.  In the book I am reading by Liberty Savard, Shattering Your Stongholds, She talks about denial as being one of our coping mechanisms.  Like shock to the physical body that keeps you from dieing in physical trauma, denial does the same for the heart and mind in emotional trauma.  Over the past few years, I have gone from someone who faces emotions straight on and deals with them to a person who lives in denial.....a lot!  Especially when it comes to hurts from those around me.  But God is revealing more and more that denial is not going to allow me to live in the freedom He has for me.  He is teaching me to recognize the hurt and pain, and then let it go to Him!  Regardless of the situation, God is teaching me to let Him handle it.  Trust Him with it!  There's that word again...trust.  If you have been reading my blog for long, you know God has had me in a place of learning to trust again since Eden did not come home...and something tells me I will be on this journey until I see God face to face!

So this morning, you are part of my therapy!  :)  I am getting the pictures off the disc.  I am stopping the denial that I have a granddaughter that I don't know when I will hold again. I am stopping the denial that it hurts.  I am embracing the truth that God loves her more than I could ever love her and I am choosing to trust Him with her future.  I am rolling my grief onto Him and asking Him to heal my heart.

I have to.  So WHEN my girls return home, my heart will be ready to receive them!

Was it really her?

I got a FB message yesterday.

It wasn't from an FB friend.

It was from someone who had found me.

It was from West Africa.

It was not from Liberia.

It was from Sierra Leone.

It said Eden was asking about me.

Really?

Is she really or are you just lying to me like so many from your land have done?

Did she really ask about me or are you scheming me?

If she really did, can I risk thinking she didn't?

If she really didn't, can I risk thinking she did?

Was in the car with John when I read it.

Asked what he thought.

He doubts it's her.

Wish I could leave it at that.

He asked what I thought.

What do I think?

I remember a little girl who bonded with her new mommy while the other two children who were with new mommies and daddies didn't bond at all.

I remember a little girl who broke loose from the man from her own country, the man who she knew well - she broke loose when she saw me from a distance and ran and jumped in my arms because I hadn't seen her since the night before.

I remember the little girl who was sick. Nearly a year to the day since we had buried her twin sister, Sweet Addy.

I remember that little girl not letting me put her down the last day I was with her.

She would go to no one else.

I remember the time came for me to board the helicopter.

I remember her not letting go.

I remember her starting to whimper.

I remember the whimper turning to a wail as they pried her fingers from the back of my neck.

I remember two hands with ten fingers spread wide reaching for me as I kissed her cheek and promised what I thought was a promise I would keep...I will be back in just a few days and we will go home together!

I remember running to the helicopter.

I remember looking through the tears to see hands still outstretched

I remember a mouth open in a scream, drowned by the whirl of the propellers.

I remember, does she really?

I responded.

I asked questions -

Questions to which I probably really don't want answers -

Questions whose answers I will really never know are true or more lies.

Was it really her? Is it God? He said she was coming home...that is why I fought. Of all that occurred over the course of that 2 year period, that is the remaining thing that haunts me.

I can see how Addy's death, all the heartache and bumps along the journey equipped and educated me to do what I did in Liberia -

But all that could have happened and produced the good God intended,

And she still could have come home.

But she didn't.

He said she would.

She didn't.

Will she?

Was it really her?

How much?

How much does it take to break a person's spirit? I have had some really low times this past year, and about the time I think I have climbed out of the pit, I find myself sliding back in. I read blogs like my friend in Bonkland who has also had an unbelievably rough year. I have followed an amazing couple through a battle with brain cancer that ended in a woman much younger than me meeting her maker and leaving behind an amazing husband and precious little girl who will only know her mother through the stories of others.

All of us are truly just trying to follow hard after God and live a life that leaves Him saying, "Well Done!" I know He is a loving, faithful God. I don't always "feel" that way, but I know His Word to be true, and that is what it says. But at times like this in my life and in the lives of my fellow warriors, I just look up to heaven and ask "Why?" Why do we have to struggle so much? Why does following such a loving God bring so much pain and heart ache. Why do so many stories that start with a Christ Follower walking in obedience end in heart ache and pain? I know God doesn't owe me an explanation. I know He is God, and that is just the way it is! As much as I think I will ask Him when I get there, I doubt it will matter anymore when I am before Him in all His Glory.

But here, while I am still on this earth, struggling through a world of sin and hurt, I just wonder how much it takes to truly break a persons spirit. As if fighting the daily stuff isn't enough, so many times my dreams are even against me! Last night was one of those nights....so real! So heart breaking, so devastating! Today is just a hard day....this has just been a hard year. I don't understand, but I know I must fight on! Today is just one of those days that fighting on will mean clinging with all my might to the leg of my Heavenly Father and asking Him to carry me through this day.

Thank you to my blog world!

I have never been so lonely as when the church attacks. So thank you to my blog world! Through a course of events today, I am left with out trust in my closest "real world" friends. But there are several of you whom I have met through blog world that are now dear friends as we have talked on the phone or shared our hearts in e-mails and blog posts. So to all of you, I say Thank You! And thank you, God, that you have provided a way for Christians literally across the world to be connected so that we can encourage and support each other when the local church fails. I still have a support system via the web if my "real world" fell apart today! ;)

God's Perspective of Pain and Death

Thank you for all the encouraging comments and e-mails about the struggles with my family on our adoption! It really helps just to know others understand! I wish it wasn't so common a problem, but it is.

I had a great time with God this morning on just this issue. I am doing a Bible study that has a lot of self-reflection in it....YUCK! But it is good to dig up my issues and deal with them! This Bible study talks a lot about life and death..not literally, but more emotionally and physically. Death being the things that we see in our lives that cause pain and life being the things in our lives that bring happiness and joy. Of course, our human nature is to avoid all things that bring pain! But as I read in Romans this morning (a scripture I have read many times), I saw that God has such a different perspective of pain and death than I do! Melissa Haas says, "Love may be the universal language, but pain is the universal motivator.....Pain can be a good teacher and a tool in the Redeemer's hands for our good."

Let me make a distinction here. There are two kinds of pain and death as a Christian. One is a pain and death that I experience when I sin. When I turn my back to God and walk in a way that is not pleasing to him, then I will experience pain. The Bible clearly states that sin is death. The pain I experience in these times is a result of something I have done and is meant to turn me around and walk the other way....towards God. This is the same concept I use to discipline my children. If they do not follow my directions, there is a consequence that I hope is painful (not necessarily physically!) enough to keep them from doing that action again. But there is another pain in my Christian walk. There is a pain that God allows to refine who I am. To teach me to lean on Him more and more. It is the result of no negligence or ill doing of my own. This type of pain is the most difficult for me. Coming from a legalistic background, I have a core belief (a false belief by the way) that all pain is a result of my negligence in some way or another. If I am hurting it is because I did something that God disagreed with. If I am happy, then I must be right in the middle of God's will. Romans 6:14 dispels this false belief: "for you are not under the law but under grace."

As I have gone through life over the past 10 years, I have tried to avoid pain/death at all costs..natural, right? Yet not possible in the life of a Christ follower seeking to grow. God makes it clear in Romans 6 that death/pain brought about in the pursuit of God is in fact LIFE! .....therefore we have been buried...in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we might walk in newness of life.....if we become united with Him in death, certainly we will also be in the likeness of His resurrection....if we have died with Christ, we believe that we should also live with him.... so to there is no way to avoid pain altogether. The only pain/death I should purposely avoid is that caused by sin.

My problem with that is my core belief that pain means I have done something wrong. So when I decide to adopt a little boy from Africa and my family and even some friends make it clear they believe this is a irresponsible, plain stupid thing to do, I immediately question my own motives and start thinking I must be doing something wrong! But according to those scriptures in Romans, I am just experiencing death with Christ in order to share in His life! The life that this world will NEVER understand....they can't! I must realize at these times that the pain is not from my own actions, but from God refining me and run to Him to hide under His wings and to cling to Him just like my kids cling to me when they are scared! To align myself with Him...to find my security, satisfaction, joy in Him.

Boy that is so easy to see and to type, but oh so hard to do! When my parents react the way they do to me leaving my three to go get the one, I immediately feel like a worthless parent, I questions all my motives and fear raises up in me that the three will have to suffer way too much for the one. But the truth is that Matthew 18:12 says that a good shepherd will leave the 99 on the hill to go find the ONE that wandered off. And the truth is I would leave any number of my children to go find whichever ONE needs me! And that is what makes a good parent.

So this has to mean that the pain of my parent's/friends reactions is a pain that God is using to motivate me to draw closer to Him, to know Him more, to find rest, peace and joy in HIM! More of Him and less of me!

So my prayer this morning is that God would give me HIS perspective on pain and death! That I would willingly be crucified so that I can be raised with Him. That he would give me the wisdom to know when pain is a result of sin and when pain is just a result of Him growing me.