Warning: this is one of my "real" posts. I would appreciate readers just reading and not feeling the need for a sermon or reminding me of all the "right" things to think or do right now. I know them...I'll get there. But this is just the reality of where we are.
I am a Mimi again! Demetri Julian was born Tuesday morning at 1:39. I was blessed to be there. He is precious! But the reality is, I don't know if I will get to be a part of his life.
My first grandbaby is almost 11 months old. We were the only place she could be left because of some things going on, so we kept her while mom was in the hospital. I was so excited about that...and then reality hit.
This is a baby girl who has no idea who we are. She is very dependent on her mom. She has no schedule to try to at least keep that the same for her.
In my mind, it was going to be two days of getting to be Mimi the way I would want to with any of my grandbabies. But did you know you can't be Mimi when all they do is scream when they are awake? Did you know consoling a child that you can't console because they have no idea who you are is not what being Mimi is all about? But it is my reality. And the other kids who have wanted so badly to see her, especially Toben and Ava, wanted to hold her. But all they got were screams in return. Yesterday when I left to take her to the hospital to meet her new brother, Ava and Toben ran into the room screaming, "Wait! I want to say good bye!" and "We might not see her again!" That is their reality.
Today we say good bye. We don't know if it will be for a few days, a few weeks, or again for a few months. Once again, I find myself in a place of not really having a file to put the emotions this life experience brings. Definitely sadness and frustration. But even as I woke this morning, the Lord knew what I needed. My first thoughts were, "do not grow weary in doing good" and "suffering brings perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope."
The reality stinks! But somewhere under the layers of pain, hope still flickers!
Showing posts with label Paizley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Paizley. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Thursday, August 30, 2012
When you have done all else....STAND
We are one week and 6 days into life without our oldest daughter. Honestly, I'm not sure even still what life should look like. John and I talked about it last night. We have to face the heart wrenching possibility that she will never reconcile to our family. We only had her a year and a half. She may decide to find her "family" somewhere else. Circumstances right now would say that is the case. Where she has chosen to place herself is a toxic environment - physically, emotionally and most of all spiritually. Family and friends ask us, "What now?"
God has given me Ephesians 6:13 twice in the last few days "and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]." That's what now! We have just begun attending a new church - a post for a later time - and our new pastor's wife, Tonya, handed me a piece of paper with a couple of scriptures on it Sunday. This was one of them. And with it, she had written the Greek for withstand - "anthistemi - to cause to stand; suggests vigorously opposing, bravely resisting, standing face-to-face against an adversary, standing our ground...with the authority and spiritual weapons granted us we can withstand evil forces." That is what now! I will stand against the devil himself for my daughter! I will fight for her until my last breath! It's what a mother does!
Now before you put me on some sort of spiritual pedestal, understand that the last few days have not been all that great. In fact, last night, I lost it and sobbed shaking the bed enough to wake the dead - aka John when he sleeps! I haven't been able to spend as much time in the Word with school starting, so the lies of the enemy began creeping in. My thoughts wondered to places that had me focusing on circumstances and not Truth. I have had my moments of despair where I wondered if my heart could ever forgive someone who walked out on me and made the accusations she has made that caused us - and our other children - to walk through circumstances I would never in a million years have dreamed I would find myself. But as God tends to do in my mothering of all my children, He keeps bringing the correlation between my daughter and myself to my God and me.
I meet with an amazing woman of God each week. The Truth and wisdom she has been imparting to me over the last year is honestly the only reason I can stand under the weight of what is going on in my family right now at all. She has taught me the Truth of the Secret Place in Psalm 91 and of how we soar on wings like eagles without growing weary or fainting. She has taught me how to be hidden with Christ! I am so thankful. We started a new book this week. And it came with a disclaimer from Becky. She warned us that we are entering enemy territory because we are about to upset his apple-cart with what we will learn in this book. My answer....BRING IT ON!!!! I couldn't even get past the intro without having to stop and process. It is good stuff! And it has made me reflect on the past year and a half with Paizley.
The book is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard. Here is one of the nuggets that got me to thinking: "The problem is this: even scripturally correct truth cannot always penetrate a soul that is filled with stronghold thinking....He does not change, bypass, or override our memories and beliefs; He just keeps offering His love and truth until we finally become willing to exchange our old beliefs and old ideas for them." Wow! I don't think I could sum up the past year and a half with any better words. In my weakness I take the rejection personally, but when I am standing in faith and trust in God, I see that this whole thing has little to do with me and a LOT to do with a battle over a soul!
God gave me some scriptures for Paizley over a year ago. If I reacted the way my old self would have - like my old self of about 10 months ago - I would be shaking my finger at God and asking why?! But I am walking in a new lever of trust, faith and understanding of the character of my God! I know that the path my daughter has chosen is not the path God would have chosen for her. Just like I walk on paths at times that God would not choose for me. The fact is, when we do that, we are outside God's perfect will. His Word is clear that He will not force Himself nor His will on anyone! We are free to choose! Liberty Savard says it this way, "This partial verse [1 John 3:8 The reason the Son of God was made manifest (visible) was to undo (destroy, loosen, and dissolve) the works the devil has done] tells us that the reason the Son of God appeared on Earth was to destroy the devil's works - to loosen and dissolve them - and He will provide what we need to do the same thing. This is God's will, but your will has to make a choice to call your life on Earth into alignment and agreement with God's will in Heaven. God will not force you to do so, but He will help you." (emphasis mine)
So many times Christians become disheartened, and I have done the same thing, because something God gave us to pray for didn't happen. For me, this has always in the past put me on a downward spiral to doubt and unbelief. But now I understand many times when the outcome is not favorable, it is because a free will was exerted. It is important of me, and I think all of us, to understand this so that I don't become disappointed or disheartened with God over the outcomes of circumstances and situations that involve humans!
Now, God doesn't teach me lessons like this to sit in judgement! He teaches me lessons like this to put the magnifying glass on myself! You don't watch a child walk away from your family without lots of self-reflection! At least, I don't see how you could. As I watch my daughter walk away, I am challenged to ask what I have walked away from? What has God wanted to teach me that I have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to? What plan has God had for me that I let circumstances or feelings dictate the path I took instead of standing on Truth!
There are a couple of circumstances in my life right now that are threatened by feelings and sight to cause me to give up. No one in their right mind would advise me to push forward if I laid out the pro/con list or spelled out the details. But here's the deal, when we live according to Biblical prinicples, we are not in our "right mind" - we are in the "Mind of Christ"! And that operates according to rules and order that we don't understand here on earth! Doubt me? Jesus was born to a virgin. Jesus raised Lazerath from the dead and then raised himself from the dead. Jesus fed 5,000+ with a few loaves and fish. When society gave up on a woman, he went to the well to meet her one-on-one and spoke life. Peter walked on water - at least until he took his eyes off Jesus. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and spit back up. And I lived through a child walking out my door with my granddaughter!
So if you are facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable or God has called you to what appears to be the impossible, let me encourage you! Another scripture that has come up multiple times in different ways this week is Matthew 17 "Then the disciples came to Jesus and asked privately, Why could we not drive it out? 20 He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of [h]firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [[i]that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." NOTHING! That word does not leave room for argument - with faith, no thing is impossible for you! And when you've done all else, stand! Then watch the enemy run! James 4:7 I pray you see your mountain start to shake today as you stand in faith and say to it MOVE! I'm watching mine do the same!
God has given me Ephesians 6:13 twice in the last few days "and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]." That's what now! We have just begun attending a new church - a post for a later time - and our new pastor's wife, Tonya, handed me a piece of paper with a couple of scriptures on it Sunday. This was one of them. And with it, she had written the Greek for withstand - "anthistemi - to cause to stand; suggests vigorously opposing, bravely resisting, standing face-to-face against an adversary, standing our ground...with the authority and spiritual weapons granted us we can withstand evil forces." That is what now! I will stand against the devil himself for my daughter! I will fight for her until my last breath! It's what a mother does!
Now before you put me on some sort of spiritual pedestal, understand that the last few days have not been all that great. In fact, last night, I lost it and sobbed shaking the bed enough to wake the dead - aka John when he sleeps! I haven't been able to spend as much time in the Word with school starting, so the lies of the enemy began creeping in. My thoughts wondered to places that had me focusing on circumstances and not Truth. I have had my moments of despair where I wondered if my heart could ever forgive someone who walked out on me and made the accusations she has made that caused us - and our other children - to walk through circumstances I would never in a million years have dreamed I would find myself. But as God tends to do in my mothering of all my children, He keeps bringing the correlation between my daughter and myself to my God and me.
I meet with an amazing woman of God each week. The Truth and wisdom she has been imparting to me over the last year is honestly the only reason I can stand under the weight of what is going on in my family right now at all. She has taught me the Truth of the Secret Place in Psalm 91 and of how we soar on wings like eagles without growing weary or fainting. She has taught me how to be hidden with Christ! I am so thankful. We started a new book this week. And it came with a disclaimer from Becky. She warned us that we are entering enemy territory because we are about to upset his apple-cart with what we will learn in this book. My answer....BRING IT ON!!!! I couldn't even get past the intro without having to stop and process. It is good stuff! And it has made me reflect on the past year and a half with Paizley.
The book is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard. Here is one of the nuggets that got me to thinking: "The problem is this: even scripturally correct truth cannot always penetrate a soul that is filled with stronghold thinking....He does not change, bypass, or override our memories and beliefs; He just keeps offering His love and truth until we finally become willing to exchange our old beliefs and old ideas for them." Wow! I don't think I could sum up the past year and a half with any better words. In my weakness I take the rejection personally, but when I am standing in faith and trust in God, I see that this whole thing has little to do with me and a LOT to do with a battle over a soul!
God gave me some scriptures for Paizley over a year ago. If I reacted the way my old self would have - like my old self of about 10 months ago - I would be shaking my finger at God and asking why?! But I am walking in a new lever of trust, faith and understanding of the character of my God! I know that the path my daughter has chosen is not the path God would have chosen for her. Just like I walk on paths at times that God would not choose for me. The fact is, when we do that, we are outside God's perfect will. His Word is clear that He will not force Himself nor His will on anyone! We are free to choose! Liberty Savard says it this way, "This partial verse [1 John 3:8 The reason the Son of God was made manifest (visible) was to undo (destroy, loosen, and dissolve) the works the devil has done] tells us that the reason the Son of God appeared on Earth was to destroy the devil's works - to loosen and dissolve them - and He will provide what we need to do the same thing. This is God's will, but your will has to make a choice to call your life on Earth into alignment and agreement with God's will in Heaven. God will not force you to do so, but He will help you." (emphasis mine)
So many times Christians become disheartened, and I have done the same thing, because something God gave us to pray for didn't happen. For me, this has always in the past put me on a downward spiral to doubt and unbelief. But now I understand many times when the outcome is not favorable, it is because a free will was exerted. It is important of me, and I think all of us, to understand this so that I don't become disappointed or disheartened with God over the outcomes of circumstances and situations that involve humans!
Now, God doesn't teach me lessons like this to sit in judgement! He teaches me lessons like this to put the magnifying glass on myself! You don't watch a child walk away from your family without lots of self-reflection! At least, I don't see how you could. As I watch my daughter walk away, I am challenged to ask what I have walked away from? What has God wanted to teach me that I have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to? What plan has God had for me that I let circumstances or feelings dictate the path I took instead of standing on Truth!
There are a couple of circumstances in my life right now that are threatened by feelings and sight to cause me to give up. No one in their right mind would advise me to push forward if I laid out the pro/con list or spelled out the details. But here's the deal, when we live according to Biblical prinicples, we are not in our "right mind" - we are in the "Mind of Christ"! And that operates according to rules and order that we don't understand here on earth! Doubt me? Jesus was born to a virgin. Jesus raised Lazerath from the dead and then raised himself from the dead. Jesus fed 5,000+ with a few loaves and fish. When society gave up on a woman, he went to the well to meet her one-on-one and spoke life. Peter walked on water - at least until he took his eyes off Jesus. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and spit back up. And I lived through a child walking out my door with my granddaughter!
So if you are facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable or God has called you to what appears to be the impossible, let me encourage you! Another scripture that has come up multiple times in different ways this week is Matthew 17 "Then the disciples came to Jesus and asked privately, Why could we not drive it out? 20 He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of [h]firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [[i]that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." NOTHING! That word does not leave room for argument - with faith, no thing is impossible for you! And when you've done all else, stand! Then watch the enemy run! James 4:7 I pray you see your mountain start to shake today as you stand in faith and say to it MOVE! I'm watching mine do the same!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Journey: Some processing and a FAITHFUL God
Yesterday was quite the day. Spent all morning at the police station. When a situation is so bad that John considers getting politically involved to change the process, you KNOW it's serious! I want to change all injustice, so not such a big deal when I want to do that! Well, after dealing with the Midland Police Department for the last year, John wants to get politically active! You really can't make this stuff up - the stories we have about what the police have done and said! It's crazy!
I was able to see and talk to Paizley for the first time since she left. I assured her nothing she has done or can do will ever change the fact that she is my daughter. I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I still have hope! I was able to speak the truth of God for what could be one last time - even reminding her of the Words God has given her through other people as late as last Wednesday warning her about such a time as this. I was able to kiss Peighton. I cried. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest or just explode all together as I watched my girls walk away. I cried out to God many times...right there in the detective's conference room..and out loud! I am not playing around with spiritual battles! I will take all that is mine through the authority I have in Christ. I will leave nothing on the battle field for lack of walking in authority. We had the favor of God in many instances. We walked into a very hostile environment and walked out with the detective sympathizing with us and even telling Paizley no one will ever care for her or love her like we do - adopted or not.
But probably the brightest moment of today actually happened Sunday, I just didn't understand the significance until yesterday. Sunday during church, one of our pastors stood up and talked about gifts and how we are called by God to use our gifts for His kingdom and purposes. I kind of dismissed it because I totally get that and believe I am in a place where I am truly doing that in work and am getting involved in church. But at some point during the talk, as clear as if God was sitting beside me, the Holy Spirit spoke. "The enemy will use what is happening to steal what you are doing with adoption and children in state custody. He will not prevail because I have uniquely designed and gifted you for exactly this work. Your experiences and knowledge in the things of this work are invaluable to what I want to do." When I heard it, I kind of was startled. When we have struggled with Paizley at times in the past, I have cried out to God asking how I could ever ask other families to adopt children from the foster system knowing what might be about to happen to their family. I have questioned if I really believe in what I am doing with the state adoption program. But the training I took in San Antonio - sitting with other professionals in this area - really solidified for me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Because of my experience both professionally and personally, I can train and equip families for this process like few others who are doing it professionally can. And also, I have an amazing daughter who I still believe will go mighty things for the kingdom some day because of waiting child adoption from the state! So the thought that I would let even Paizley running away keep me from pursuing this work came as a shock to me. But I took what God said and started analyzing how I felt asking God to reveal any hidden regrets or fears or doubt I had that would cause him to encourage me in that way.
Sitting in the detective's office yesterday, we learned some things about the process because of Paizley's misrepresentation of us and the events that surrounded her leaving. The initial news of some of what will take place as the process plays out were potentially devastating and could have had me worrying about even being able to keep the agency open at all! The detective stepped out for a minute and John and I talked some about what had been said so far. I broke down. Fear started to creep up. Then God brought the words He had whispered into my ear on Sunday back to my remembrance, and I literally laughed out loud! My God, my Faithful Father had already spoken peace and encouragement and victory over a situation that He knew was about to happen and had the potential to shake me up. But because my hope is in Him, because He is my firm foundation, because He is my Deliverer and my Defender, I was not moved! Fear left. Worry stopped. Doubt fled. Peace flooded me.
See that is the faithful God I serve! My amazing spiritual mentor, Becky, often reminds us of a quote that one of her past pastors said, "You prepare for battle in times of peace so that in times of war you are prepared." God has been teaching me, equipping me, loving me, drawing me closer to Him over the past two 15 years, but in God boot camp for the past two. I am in His Word and alone with Him almost daily without fail. I have to be. He is literally my very breath most days.
But let me tell you, being equipped, gaining knowledge, just storing up arsenal of a spiritual fight is not my motivation for getting in the Word and spending time with God. He is my motivation! The more I learn about Him, the more time I spend with Him. It's just like friends we have in the natural. When you meet someone, you might not make time to go have coffee or lunch. But as you get to know someone and learn that when you are around them you feel alive and free for some reason. When you leave them you feel refreshed, encouraged. We all have friends like that, and when they call and say, "we need to do coffee", we find a time! It's the same with God. The more I get to know Him, the more I make time for Him because I want to know Him more! I want to know more about who He is, about how He operates, about what He wants for me.
We live in a society and a culture that can be scary. I know more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of our society and the true condition of what my children are growing up in over the past year. I realize now that I lived in a glass bubble concerning the world that we truly live in. Part of that is where we live. And part of it was just the mere fact that I don't have opportunity to get outside our little world much into the culture that exists outside my home and our church. But I have been thrown full force into it this year and much of it has even touched my very home through some decisions of my daughter. It's has never been normal at our house for police to show up on your door step at 10 at night! At times I have despaired over the condition of the world and wondered what my children will face. But the closer I have drawn to God, the more excited I get. You see the darker the world is, the brighter the light of Christ will shine! If you have a flashlight on in the middle of the day, it doesn't really do much. But you turn that same flashlight on at midnight, and you completely change your environment! It's midnight people! Our lights should be changing our environment!!!! What a blessed time we live in! What a time for God's people to offer hope to a country that needs it! Yes, my kids will have battles I never did, but God is also equipping them for the time they live in! My daughter sees angels - has seen them many times. She has spiritual awareness that I long for and has had since she could speak...and probably before, she just couldn't tell us! I can't wait to see the impact for the kingdom my children have on this dark world! I don't fear for them, I am excited for them! Side note - because of the world I know they will grow up in, I know I have a bigger responsibility than probably any generation before me to equip them with the Word and knowledge and wisdom of God's ways in order for them to fulfill their kingdom purpose - and if you are a Christian, you do to!
God took me to Haggai 2 about four months ago (you don't get to Haggai on accident!). It says this, "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.I will shake all nations." As Becky says, we are living in a time when everything that can be shaken is being and will be shaken so that those things which can't be shaken - the things of God - will remain! Praise God!
I have never been more excited to know my God and be a Christ follower! I know Him in a way I never have and I am madly in love! Yes, I am in what has probably been the most devastating circumstances of my life - I am walking out something that I could never fathom - and frankly even in the middle of it can't quite get my head around it if I try to really think about it. But here is the absolute truth, because I serve an all-powerful, totally sovereign, absolutely loving and so faithful Father, I will not be moved. I will rise above my circumstances. I will sore on wings like an eagle. I will walk and not grow weary. I will remain hidden in His secret place, protected, loved, peaceful. I will remain stable and fixed with my eyes set on Him watching, waiting, listening for His voice telling me, "This is the way, walk in it!"
Oh!!! If I could just come through this screen and sit with any of you reading this and beg you to know Him! Don't just know of Him, KNOW Him! Don't just go to church on Sunday and call yourself a Christian. Yes, if you have given your life to Christ, you are a Christian....but that is not the end...it is just the beginning!
He has great and wonderful things for you.....they are hidden in Him! And as you peel back layer, by layer of His wonderful character, you will stand amazed! And when life wants to beat you up, you will stand strong saying, bringing it on! I know the truth! We win in the end! Thank you, God!
I was able to see and talk to Paizley for the first time since she left. I assured her nothing she has done or can do will ever change the fact that she is my daughter. I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I still have hope! I was able to speak the truth of God for what could be one last time - even reminding her of the Words God has given her through other people as late as last Wednesday warning her about such a time as this. I was able to kiss Peighton. I cried. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest or just explode all together as I watched my girls walk away. I cried out to God many times...right there in the detective's conference room..and out loud! I am not playing around with spiritual battles! I will take all that is mine through the authority I have in Christ. I will leave nothing on the battle field for lack of walking in authority. We had the favor of God in many instances. We walked into a very hostile environment and walked out with the detective sympathizing with us and even telling Paizley no one will ever care for her or love her like we do - adopted or not.
But probably the brightest moment of today actually happened Sunday, I just didn't understand the significance until yesterday. Sunday during church, one of our pastors stood up and talked about gifts and how we are called by God to use our gifts for His kingdom and purposes. I kind of dismissed it because I totally get that and believe I am in a place where I am truly doing that in work and am getting involved in church. But at some point during the talk, as clear as if God was sitting beside me, the Holy Spirit spoke. "The enemy will use what is happening to steal what you are doing with adoption and children in state custody. He will not prevail because I have uniquely designed and gifted you for exactly this work. Your experiences and knowledge in the things of this work are invaluable to what I want to do." When I heard it, I kind of was startled. When we have struggled with Paizley at times in the past, I have cried out to God asking how I could ever ask other families to adopt children from the foster system knowing what might be about to happen to their family. I have questioned if I really believe in what I am doing with the state adoption program. But the training I took in San Antonio - sitting with other professionals in this area - really solidified for me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing. Because of my experience both professionally and personally, I can train and equip families for this process like few others who are doing it professionally can. And also, I have an amazing daughter who I still believe will go mighty things for the kingdom some day because of waiting child adoption from the state! So the thought that I would let even Paizley running away keep me from pursuing this work came as a shock to me. But I took what God said and started analyzing how I felt asking God to reveal any hidden regrets or fears or doubt I had that would cause him to encourage me in that way.
Sitting in the detective's office yesterday, we learned some things about the process because of Paizley's misrepresentation of us and the events that surrounded her leaving. The initial news of some of what will take place as the process plays out were potentially devastating and could have had me worrying about even being able to keep the agency open at all! The detective stepped out for a minute and John and I talked some about what had been said so far. I broke down. Fear started to creep up. Then God brought the words He had whispered into my ear on Sunday back to my remembrance, and I literally laughed out loud! My God, my Faithful Father had already spoken peace and encouragement and victory over a situation that He knew was about to happen and had the potential to shake me up. But because my hope is in Him, because He is my firm foundation, because He is my Deliverer and my Defender, I was not moved! Fear left. Worry stopped. Doubt fled. Peace flooded me.
See that is the faithful God I serve! My amazing spiritual mentor, Becky, often reminds us of a quote that one of her past pastors said, "You prepare for battle in times of peace so that in times of war you are prepared." God has been teaching me, equipping me, loving me, drawing me closer to Him over the past two 15 years, but in God boot camp for the past two. I am in His Word and alone with Him almost daily without fail. I have to be. He is literally my very breath most days.
But let me tell you, being equipped, gaining knowledge, just storing up arsenal of a spiritual fight is not my motivation for getting in the Word and spending time with God. He is my motivation! The more I learn about Him, the more time I spend with Him. It's just like friends we have in the natural. When you meet someone, you might not make time to go have coffee or lunch. But as you get to know someone and learn that when you are around them you feel alive and free for some reason. When you leave them you feel refreshed, encouraged. We all have friends like that, and when they call and say, "we need to do coffee", we find a time! It's the same with God. The more I get to know Him, the more I make time for Him because I want to know Him more! I want to know more about who He is, about how He operates, about what He wants for me.
We live in a society and a culture that can be scary. I know more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of our society and the true condition of what my children are growing up in over the past year. I realize now that I lived in a glass bubble concerning the world that we truly live in. Part of that is where we live. And part of it was just the mere fact that I don't have opportunity to get outside our little world much into the culture that exists outside my home and our church. But I have been thrown full force into it this year and much of it has even touched my very home through some decisions of my daughter. It's has never been normal at our house for police to show up on your door step at 10 at night! At times I have despaired over the condition of the world and wondered what my children will face. But the closer I have drawn to God, the more excited I get. You see the darker the world is, the brighter the light of Christ will shine! If you have a flashlight on in the middle of the day, it doesn't really do much. But you turn that same flashlight on at midnight, and you completely change your environment! It's midnight people! Our lights should be changing our environment!!!! What a blessed time we live in! What a time for God's people to offer hope to a country that needs it! Yes, my kids will have battles I never did, but God is also equipping them for the time they live in! My daughter sees angels - has seen them many times. She has spiritual awareness that I long for and has had since she could speak...and probably before, she just couldn't tell us! I can't wait to see the impact for the kingdom my children have on this dark world! I don't fear for them, I am excited for them! Side note - because of the world I know they will grow up in, I know I have a bigger responsibility than probably any generation before me to equip them with the Word and knowledge and wisdom of God's ways in order for them to fulfill their kingdom purpose - and if you are a Christian, you do to!
God took me to Haggai 2 about four months ago (you don't get to Haggai on accident!). It says this, "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.I will shake all nations." As Becky says, we are living in a time when everything that can be shaken is being and will be shaken so that those things which can't be shaken - the things of God - will remain! Praise God!
I have never been more excited to know my God and be a Christ follower! I know Him in a way I never have and I am madly in love! Yes, I am in what has probably been the most devastating circumstances of my life - I am walking out something that I could never fathom - and frankly even in the middle of it can't quite get my head around it if I try to really think about it. But here is the absolute truth, because I serve an all-powerful, totally sovereign, absolutely loving and so faithful Father, I will not be moved. I will rise above my circumstances. I will sore on wings like an eagle. I will walk and not grow weary. I will remain hidden in His secret place, protected, loved, peaceful. I will remain stable and fixed with my eyes set on Him watching, waiting, listening for His voice telling me, "This is the way, walk in it!"
Oh!!! If I could just come through this screen and sit with any of you reading this and beg you to know Him! Don't just know of Him, KNOW Him! Don't just go to church on Sunday and call yourself a Christian. Yes, if you have given your life to Christ, you are a Christian....but that is not the end...it is just the beginning!
He has great and wonderful things for you.....they are hidden in Him! And as you peel back layer, by layer of His wonderful character, you will stand amazed! And when life wants to beat you up, you will stand strong saying, bringing it on! I know the truth! We win in the end! Thank you, God!
Monday, August 20, 2012
The Journey: My Heart is Broken
I am not even sure how to start what I have to say, so I'll just lay it out there...Paizley and Peighton are gone. Paizley left with her Friday night while John and I were out of town. We have called authorities and are trying to make sure Peighton is safe. We have very serious concerns for Peighton on many levels. I have to trust that God will protect her or I will lose my mind with worry and fear. But God keeps steadfast him whose mind is set on Him (Isaiah 26:3).
There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel. Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened. We cleaned out her room yesterday. She has made her decision. We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions. It has been the number one frustration. Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.
I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in. When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.
I have so many questions. I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me! But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.
The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream? I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.
I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption. In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted. This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country. They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son! It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son! But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage. The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself. Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim. This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out! And he chose to remain behind. The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing! He was told. But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!
When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing. But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ. This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him. So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life. Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.
But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ. He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth! In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley. She had a choice: obedience or disobedience. God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!). We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background. When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home. I did that. The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience. Read Deuteronomy 28. It doesn't get any plainer than that. And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!
The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance! My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way. That is not what any parent wants for their children! My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure. But this I know. My God is still on His throne! As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom! My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.
So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening. Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church. The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked! But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ! He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases! He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did. Did He allow it? Yes! Was it His desire? No - and because of that, I choose trust!
This story is not over! Even as I stood and worshiped and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love. There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied. You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side! Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right? But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry! And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now! During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her! I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter! Did she come back, no. But I will not stop waging war for her until she does! Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!
Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me? My answer, "No. I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath. It's what a mother does."
Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!
There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel. Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened. We cleaned out her room yesterday. She has made her decision. We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions. It has been the number one frustration. Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.
I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in. When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.
I have so many questions. I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me! But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.
The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream? I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.
I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption. In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted. This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country. They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son! It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son! But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage. The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself. Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim. This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out! And he chose to remain behind. The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing! He was told. But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!
When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing. But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ. This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him. So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life. Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.
But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ. He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth! In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley. She had a choice: obedience or disobedience. God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!). We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background. When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home. I did that. The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience. Read Deuteronomy 28. It doesn't get any plainer than that. And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!
The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance! My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way. That is not what any parent wants for their children! My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure. But this I know. My God is still on His throne! As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom! My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.
So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening. Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church. The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked! But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ! He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases! He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did. Did He allow it? Yes! Was it His desire? No - and because of that, I choose trust!
This story is not over! Even as I stood and worshiped and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love. There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied. You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side! Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right? But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry! And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now! During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her! I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter! Did she come back, no. But I will not stop waging war for her until she does! Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!
Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me? My answer, "No. I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath. It's what a mother does."
Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Introducing Peighton Hope
Monday, July 16, 2012
My Gethsemane
I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross. John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation. We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this." I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task. It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same. We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!
Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days. The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days. I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart. I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat. I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.
I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family. But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months! I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life. I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months. God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter. However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me. Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial. But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over. The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing. Some days it was paralyzing. Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.
As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it. I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months. When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea. There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption. I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child. But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible. I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me. And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did. "God, PLEASE take me back! Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain." I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life. I don't even know if regret is the right word. I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.
In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead. It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor. I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation. Take away all of it. Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking. For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done! I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it. I guess you could say I prayed it in faith. But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out. God is so faithful! I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray. I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different! I began to feel the hurt lift. I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point. There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!
We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans. I knew God was parting my Red Sea. I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart. I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making way for just that.
It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday. I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea. But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through. And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey. As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought. When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day! It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross! No more and no less than what I need for THAT day! And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip. And that is why I say YES!
Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days. The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days. I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart. I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat. I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.
I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family. But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months! I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life. I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months. God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter. However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me. Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial. But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over. The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing. Some days it was paralyzing. Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.
As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it. I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months. When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea. There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption. I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child. But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible. I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me. And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did. "God, PLEASE take me back! Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain." I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life. I don't even know if regret is the right word. I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.
In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead. It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor. I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation. Take away all of it. Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking. For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done! I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it. I guess you could say I prayed it in faith. But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out. God is so faithful! I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray. I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different! I began to feel the hurt lift. I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point. There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!
We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans. I knew God was parting my Red Sea. I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart. I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making way for just that.
It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday. I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea. But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through. And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey. As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought. When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day! It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross! No more and no less than what I need for THAT day! And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip. And that is why I say YES!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
One month from today!
Paizley is due one month from today! I can't believe how fast time is going. We finished our last birthing class last night. I have to admit as much as I dreaded the classes, they are when I get the most excited about the baby coming. I am still extremely reserved as things are still not great in that situation, but after a couple of good days, I at least allow myself to think about the "what ifs" of her living with us.
And then the panic sets in! That has been the hardest part of this entire ordeal As John and I talk about the potential outcomes, we always come back to the fact that there is just not a "good" outcome that we can look at and say, yes! We want that! Obviously the best and the one we pray is that Paizley is able to find the healing and strength it will take to be the mother to this precious life! That is always the goal we are working toward. But even that has so many struggles and demands for me (and her) that I find myself shying away from that outcome also. As I have said many times, this journey is just hard! Paizley and I have both talked about how we wish things had been different, but there is no turning back time. Oh how I wish young people (some older people too) but particularly young people would understand the implications - life long consequences - of decisions that seem harmless...like who you hang out with in class or believing the adults in your life who send up warnings about people you are dating or friends you are keeping. Add to that the complexities of Paizley and us all trying to still get to know each other and learn how to live as a family....like I said, its just hard!
I thought by now I would be ready to embrace the role of grandmother. I am not. I have prayed through this. I don't know the total block I have with accepting that role, but it is there! I know part of it is fear! Fear of not being a good Mimi. I feel like I am just now figuring out how to be a mother, I don't want to take on the role of grandmother yet. I am not ready. But God's Word assures me that perfect love casts out all fear. I am submitting my emotions to that truth and asking God to prepare my heart and mind to be the best Mimi I can possibly be to that little girl. It is also hard because John and I still have such a responsibility for that child. We are not her parents, but because of the situation as it is right now, we have the role of parent to her in many ways - yet we are not her parents and really can't view her as our daughter or all kinds of relationships in our home will be messed up! I truly can't even get my mind around what that role looks like in our situation! But that would be worrying about tomorrow, and today definitely has enough trouble of its own...so I will just make it through today!
And part of today is that the we received a call at Addy's Hope from what is our first potential birth mother! The responsibility of walking another woman through this most difficult time and heart wrenching decision is heavy on my heart this morning! Then add the legal responsibilities to make sure I have all the forms, give her all the information, etc. I would become totally overwhelmed and throw my hands up except that I remember agencies do this all the time! And if they can do it, with God's help, I can do it! And then I thank God that He keeps me reliant on Him by putting me in absolutely impossible for me situations! I have come to learn to love the place in life where I can't possibly make it without constant communication and second by second dependence on the One with all the answers. It's a good place to be, really!
And then the panic sets in! That has been the hardest part of this entire ordeal As John and I talk about the potential outcomes, we always come back to the fact that there is just not a "good" outcome that we can look at and say, yes! We want that! Obviously the best and the one we pray is that Paizley is able to find the healing and strength it will take to be the mother to this precious life! That is always the goal we are working toward. But even that has so many struggles and demands for me (and her) that I find myself shying away from that outcome also. As I have said many times, this journey is just hard! Paizley and I have both talked about how we wish things had been different, but there is no turning back time. Oh how I wish young people (some older people too) but particularly young people would understand the implications - life long consequences - of decisions that seem harmless...like who you hang out with in class or believing the adults in your life who send up warnings about people you are dating or friends you are keeping. Add to that the complexities of Paizley and us all trying to still get to know each other and learn how to live as a family....like I said, its just hard!
I thought by now I would be ready to embrace the role of grandmother. I am not. I have prayed through this. I don't know the total block I have with accepting that role, but it is there! I know part of it is fear! Fear of not being a good Mimi. I feel like I am just now figuring out how to be a mother, I don't want to take on the role of grandmother yet. I am not ready. But God's Word assures me that perfect love casts out all fear. I am submitting my emotions to that truth and asking God to prepare my heart and mind to be the best Mimi I can possibly be to that little girl. It is also hard because John and I still have such a responsibility for that child. We are not her parents, but because of the situation as it is right now, we have the role of parent to her in many ways - yet we are not her parents and really can't view her as our daughter or all kinds of relationships in our home will be messed up! I truly can't even get my mind around what that role looks like in our situation! But that would be worrying about tomorrow, and today definitely has enough trouble of its own...so I will just make it through today!
And part of today is that the we received a call at Addy's Hope from what is our first potential birth mother! The responsibility of walking another woman through this most difficult time and heart wrenching decision is heavy on my heart this morning! Then add the legal responsibilities to make sure I have all the forms, give her all the information, etc. I would become totally overwhelmed and throw my hands up except that I remember agencies do this all the time! And if they can do it, with God's help, I can do it! And then I thank God that He keeps me reliant on Him by putting me in absolutely impossible for me situations! I have come to learn to love the place in life where I can't possibly make it without constant communication and second by second dependence on the One with all the answers. It's a good place to be, really!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
I survived!
There are a couple of defining moments in this journey of becoming a pre-mature mimi that I have dreaded since I got what has become known as "the nod that changed my world" (that would be the nod to the 'are you pregnant' question asked). One of those moments was birthing class. I don't know why I dreaded them. I mean regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception of a life, the birthing of a new baby is one of the most precious and miraculous events on this earth, and being there at the birth of my grand baby will truly be an honor no matter what lays on the other side of the birth. But the dreading of the birthing class is just one of the myriad of emotions this journey has taken me through that I really can't explain or even understand...something very difficult for a woman who typically is in control of her emotions and knows why she feels how she feels and how she will "fix" the feeling if it needs fixin' (that's the southern way of saying that for those not from around here!). That has't been the case the last 7 months. It's different than the hormonal ups and downs of a pregnancy, it's deeper. The emotions cut to the core and effect my every fiber. That is one of the things that has made this journey so difficult.
But I digress....the closer the time drew to leave for the class, the more I wondered if I would truly survive! No, it doesn't make sense! Its just a class, I get it! But for whatever reason, I nearly lost my breath thinking of having to sit through the class as her coach.
Got off to a rocky start because she had the wrong location. So to make matters worse, not only was I the grandma in tow, we had to walk in after the class was started! Honestly, I just prayed it would be obvious who was there for the class, and they wouldn't mistake me as a participant also! Seriously!
I glanced around the room and quickly realized this would be four Monday nights of me....and the dads! Yep! There are teen classes, but Paizley waited too long to sign up and they were all full...need even more evidence of the need for a teen maternity home here?! The teen birthing classes fill up faster than the traditional class!
But about half way through the class, I realized my nerves were gone...I thought back to the ride to class and realized Paizley and I had some very candid, authentic conversations....the most intimate conversations we have had in a while. And I immediately knew why! I have a group of friends who have committed to pray for me each day of a week, and then some friends who I know are prayer warriors in general. I had sent these women a message letting them know my apprehension and asking them to pray! I know how cliche it is to say you "felt" prayers, but let me tell you, I felt the prayers! I was able to lay aside the emotions that have been between my daughter and myself for the past weeks based on events out of my control. I was able to be there for her in a way a mother always wants to be there for their children! It was a good experience! I didn't just have to endure it, but God made a way for it to be a bonding moment for me and my daughter in a very struggling relationship.
So now I am left to practice my back and neck massage techniques and my hee-hee-who breathing! Very different being on this side of things from the birthing classes I took 12 1/2 years ago! For all you bonding and attachment gurus out there from the adoption world, you will be glad to know this nurse said the first thing you do when you get your baby is rip off the blankets and the gown (yours and the baby's) and get skin to skin for at least the first hour and a half! Love that lady! :)
But I did leave the class with one very unexpected emotion! I think it would be amazing to be pregnant again........
ok...I couldn't just leave it there! I tried! I really started to post it with that cliff hanger....but if I came up pregnant, I would not want my mother thinking I planned it or she would disown me! :) I sent a text to my group of friends during the class saying, "ok now you need to pray for John because I think I want another baby" to which my amazing mentor replies "if God answers you with a smoking tablet written on by His finger..... :/" But even then, I don't think John would go for it! So relax Mom! There are no plans for number 8! :) But then again, there were no "plans" for number 3 or number 7 either......
But I digress....the closer the time drew to leave for the class, the more I wondered if I would truly survive! No, it doesn't make sense! Its just a class, I get it! But for whatever reason, I nearly lost my breath thinking of having to sit through the class as her coach.
Got off to a rocky start because she had the wrong location. So to make matters worse, not only was I the grandma in tow, we had to walk in after the class was started! Honestly, I just prayed it would be obvious who was there for the class, and they wouldn't mistake me as a participant also! Seriously!
I glanced around the room and quickly realized this would be four Monday nights of me....and the dads! Yep! There are teen classes, but Paizley waited too long to sign up and they were all full...need even more evidence of the need for a teen maternity home here?! The teen birthing classes fill up faster than the traditional class!
But about half way through the class, I realized my nerves were gone...I thought back to the ride to class and realized Paizley and I had some very candid, authentic conversations....the most intimate conversations we have had in a while. And I immediately knew why! I have a group of friends who have committed to pray for me each day of a week, and then some friends who I know are prayer warriors in general. I had sent these women a message letting them know my apprehension and asking them to pray! I know how cliche it is to say you "felt" prayers, but let me tell you, I felt the prayers! I was able to lay aside the emotions that have been between my daughter and myself for the past weeks based on events out of my control. I was able to be there for her in a way a mother always wants to be there for their children! It was a good experience! I didn't just have to endure it, but God made a way for it to be a bonding moment for me and my daughter in a very struggling relationship.
So now I am left to practice my back and neck massage techniques and my hee-hee-who breathing! Very different being on this side of things from the birthing classes I took 12 1/2 years ago! For all you bonding and attachment gurus out there from the adoption world, you will be glad to know this nurse said the first thing you do when you get your baby is rip off the blankets and the gown (yours and the baby's) and get skin to skin for at least the first hour and a half! Love that lady! :)
But I did leave the class with one very unexpected emotion! I think it would be amazing to be pregnant again........
ok...I couldn't just leave it there! I tried! I really started to post it with that cliff hanger....but if I came up pregnant, I would not want my mother thinking I planned it or she would disown me! :) I sent a text to my group of friends during the class saying, "ok now you need to pray for John because I think I want another baby" to which my amazing mentor replies "if God answers you with a smoking tablet written on by His finger..... :/" But even then, I don't think John would go for it! So relax Mom! There are no plans for number 8! :) But then again, there were no "plans" for number 3 or number 7 either......
Thursday, May 31, 2012
T-minus 7 weeks and hurting....
So I haven't posted a lot on the journey to being a grand mother. There are many reasons for that, but the main one being I have respected Paizley's privacy as she has walked out this season. I will continue to do that so there will be few details in this post. I hesitated writing this as without the details (or even with the details for some) this post has the potential to bring harsh judgement and accusation. But God brought to mind my fellow pre-mature grandparents to be and reminded me that this is one of those hard topics that just isn't talked about often enough. So I am putting it out there in the hopes of others once again finding encouragement just to know they are not alone!
This journey is hard! Yesterday Paizley had her second sonogram. Baby is still a girl. They did the 3D or whatever that is called where you can almost "see" her...like for real! It is creepy and amazing all in one! As the face came into view, the tears started to fall. I couldn't help it. They weren't tears of joy, but tears of heart ache! I was looking into a precious face that I just might have to hold and kiss what appears to be a very chubby cheek then let go. Because we haven't shared details with hardly anyone but those in our intimate circle, few know the events of the past seven months. But the events have been such that even at this late date, we do not know for sure what will happen with our baby girl.
All options are still out there. It is our most sincere prayer and heart's desire for this baby girl to be raised in the arms of her mother with the loving doting of two grandparents who weren't quite ready to embrace the title, but are more than ready to love a life and speak into that life all she needs to be all God has planned for her! But the truth is, John and I can't make the decisions that will ensure that scenario. We can support, pray, plead and plan for that, but ultimately the journey this path takes is not in our hands.
Early in the pregnancy, my heart for this baby girl was tender. But over the months with each incident, a brick was placed in a wall of protection. I find it hard these days to even picture her or what life with her in our home will look like. Some of that is fear of what that reality is because I can't imagine adding a baby to what our day to day looks like right now, but a big part of it is that I don't really know that day to day life with her will exist. I don't know what decisions Paizley will make in the next 7 weeks. I don't know for sure what decisions John and I will make in response to those decisions made by Paizley. The thought of loving her and then having to let her go literally, physically, takes my breath away!
I have learned a new level of trust in God over the past few weeks. I pray almost daily for answers in this situation, for specific directions. And there is silence. The only answer I get is, "Day by day, Daughter, day by day." Those who know me know I am a planner! Not just for the physical aspects of events, but for the emotional as well! I want to know which basket to put my emotions in. But God wants me to put my emotions, plans, hopes, dreams, hurts, etc, etc, in HIM! I am learning to do that! I am learning to go about the day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring.
But there are the moments like yesterday sitting in the sonogram room after having a very candid discussion with Paizley in the waiting room that the reality of our situation hits like a ton of bricks and the pain comes! This has been a journey of more heart ache yet with the potential for the most hope of anything I have ever walked. Yet as I look at all the possible outcomes, there is not a single one that is "easy". They all come with a cost that is almost more than I think I can pay...until I remember the cross. I might can look at the people in the situation and think I can't do this, but the people are not who called me to this, it was Jesus! God was the one who asked us to bring a 15 year old girl without a family into our home and make her our daughter. We said yes. So to turn back now would be to spit in the face of the One who was mocked, beaten, whipped and nailed to a cross for me. Regardless of whatever pain and discomfort this journey brings, it is nothing compared to what My Savior already did for me. And for those who have adopted, you know, she is no longer some teen that needs a family, she is my daughter. PERIOD. So walking away from her is never an option!
And that is why we press on! That is why I do trust Him with the next few months. He is worthy of my trust and He is worthy of my pain! This journey is for Him! And it's why I can look friends who are thinking about adopting teens from the system in the face and say, "It has been the hardest year of my life, but I would do it again!"
If we come to mind, pray for us. Pray for Paizley. God has a hope and a plan for her and this baby that far exceeds everything she ever hoped or dreamed. Pray she embraces that! Pray for John and I as we walk out these next few weeks. Pray for equal parts love and truth. Pray for wisdom beyond our years to guide, direct and decide what is best for everyone involved. And pray for our other 6 children. The last months have taken its toll on them too....and the only thing harder than being refined by God is watching your children being refined by God!
And for all my fellow adoptive moms turned grandma sooner than we would have liked, you are not alone! If you ever need an ear that truly gets it, call or e-mail! I would love to visit. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
This journey is hard! Yesterday Paizley had her second sonogram. Baby is still a girl. They did the 3D or whatever that is called where you can almost "see" her...like for real! It is creepy and amazing all in one! As the face came into view, the tears started to fall. I couldn't help it. They weren't tears of joy, but tears of heart ache! I was looking into a precious face that I just might have to hold and kiss what appears to be a very chubby cheek then let go. Because we haven't shared details with hardly anyone but those in our intimate circle, few know the events of the past seven months. But the events have been such that even at this late date, we do not know for sure what will happen with our baby girl.
All options are still out there. It is our most sincere prayer and heart's desire for this baby girl to be raised in the arms of her mother with the loving doting of two grandparents who weren't quite ready to embrace the title, but are more than ready to love a life and speak into that life all she needs to be all God has planned for her! But the truth is, John and I can't make the decisions that will ensure that scenario. We can support, pray, plead and plan for that, but ultimately the journey this path takes is not in our hands.
Early in the pregnancy, my heart for this baby girl was tender. But over the months with each incident, a brick was placed in a wall of protection. I find it hard these days to even picture her or what life with her in our home will look like. Some of that is fear of what that reality is because I can't imagine adding a baby to what our day to day looks like right now, but a big part of it is that I don't really know that day to day life with her will exist. I don't know what decisions Paizley will make in the next 7 weeks. I don't know for sure what decisions John and I will make in response to those decisions made by Paizley. The thought of loving her and then having to let her go literally, physically, takes my breath away!
I have learned a new level of trust in God over the past few weeks. I pray almost daily for answers in this situation, for specific directions. And there is silence. The only answer I get is, "Day by day, Daughter, day by day." Those who know me know I am a planner! Not just for the physical aspects of events, but for the emotional as well! I want to know which basket to put my emotions in. But God wants me to put my emotions, plans, hopes, dreams, hurts, etc, etc, in HIM! I am learning to do that! I am learning to go about the day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring.
But there are the moments like yesterday sitting in the sonogram room after having a very candid discussion with Paizley in the waiting room that the reality of our situation hits like a ton of bricks and the pain comes! This has been a journey of more heart ache yet with the potential for the most hope of anything I have ever walked. Yet as I look at all the possible outcomes, there is not a single one that is "easy". They all come with a cost that is almost more than I think I can pay...until I remember the cross. I might can look at the people in the situation and think I can't do this, but the people are not who called me to this, it was Jesus! God was the one who asked us to bring a 15 year old girl without a family into our home and make her our daughter. We said yes. So to turn back now would be to spit in the face of the One who was mocked, beaten, whipped and nailed to a cross for me. Regardless of whatever pain and discomfort this journey brings, it is nothing compared to what My Savior already did for me. And for those who have adopted, you know, she is no longer some teen that needs a family, she is my daughter. PERIOD. So walking away from her is never an option!
And that is why we press on! That is why I do trust Him with the next few months. He is worthy of my trust and He is worthy of my pain! This journey is for Him! And it's why I can look friends who are thinking about adopting teens from the system in the face and say, "It has been the hardest year of my life, but I would do it again!"
If we come to mind, pray for us. Pray for Paizley. God has a hope and a plan for her and this baby that far exceeds everything she ever hoped or dreamed. Pray she embraces that! Pray for John and I as we walk out these next few weeks. Pray for equal parts love and truth. Pray for wisdom beyond our years to guide, direct and decide what is best for everyone involved. And pray for our other 6 children. The last months have taken its toll on them too....and the only thing harder than being refined by God is watching your children being refined by God!
And for all my fellow adoptive moms turned grandma sooner than we would have liked, you are not alone! If you ever need an ear that truly gets it, call or e-mail! I would love to visit. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Monday, March 5, 2012
Pink or Blue update!
Looks like there's going to be more bows and frills around our house! 90% sure Paizley's baby is a girl...so we are having a grand-daughter! Everyone knows how much I love bows, so this will be fun!
Seeing the sonogram and knowing the sex has made it all the more real. It was a hard day for me that day. I love the baby, but I still morn the life I had pictured for my daughter. Having to take on all the roles and responsibilities of being a mom at 16 is NOT what I had planned in my mommy heart for her.
I have said since the beginning of fostering and now through adopting a wounded teenage and walking with her through this pregnancy that I have had feelings that don't go into a neat little file box. Maybe I even said that in my last post. Sonogram day was a day when it felt like the emotional filing box had been thrown in the air and landed in a pile of mess on the floor.
But God once again picked me up and set my feet under me and we are walking again! Some days we walk with quite a limp, but we are walking and we will one day be out of this valley and be high on the mountain top looking back at this time knowing God walked with us when we could walk and carried us when we couldn't! And I'm convinced its the journey He is the most concerned with anyway!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Pink or Blue?
Today is the day! We will find out if we are having a granddaughter or grandson! Well, if the little peanut cooperates, that is!
I haven't blogged much. Not because I don't have a million blog posts in my head, but because I can't seem to find the time to sit down and get them out. I am amazed by these moms of large families that blog regularly! They are obviously way better at time management and organization than I!
Today is a big day...and I have many emotions. When we started fostering, I would share with others, especially other foster moms, that I have all these new emotions and there are no files in my emotion filing cabinet to put them all nice and neatly. That is exactly how I feel this morning.
First, let me assure you since we first started this journey of grandparent-to-be, my heart has transformed for my daughter and this baby. The journey started with a lot of anger and bitterness, but one cannot stay in that place long and continue the work God has for you! I love my daughter with all my heart! We are daily trying to prepare for the baby and all that means logistically and emotionally! And I love that baby with all my heart. When I think about the baby, I get the same swell of love, protection and awe I did with my own children in the womb or waiting for me to come pick them up!
But the emotions don't stop there. Right after that is a swell of.....well, I'm not even sure of a word to describe it. There is fear which I have to continually take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. There is sadness, a heavy mourning over what could have been that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. Thinking about day to day life once the baby is here and all the new demands and potential for explosions that will come with this baby brigs a dread that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. And every once in a while in some specific situations, the anger creeps back up, and I have to take that to the feet of Jesus, repent, and leave it there!
As the day expired yesterday, I could feel the weight of today pressing down more and more. I realized while I love this baby, I still dream of what could have been and seeing a sonogram and knowing the sex is another dose of reality of how our lives are changed forever by this life. When that precious one is here and we are loving on him or her and looking into the precious eyes God made, I know all the negative stuff will pass away. But in the reality of just having to plan and prepare, I find myself not wanting to fully grasp the reality. After today, my grand baby will not be "it", as we lovingly refer to the baby around here, but will have even more of an identity. I will have to let my heart go just a little more....and there is a lot of fear in that for this situation which I do not necessarily expect anyone who has not walked this path to understand.
Wrestling through the past 4 months, I have daily had to curl up in the lap of my Savior, my Protector, my Counselor, my Friend. When I have to make all those trips to the feet of Jesus with those emotions, I don't have to go far! Simply turn to my right where he is holding my right hand (Psalm 73:23) and lay it all down! Then He tucks me under His arm and hides me in His shadow where for the moment.....I find rest!
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91
Pray for our family today if God brings us to mind! There will be a lot of emotions for us all today. There has already been some explosions even about the appointment itself. I think those are resolved, and we have a plan for today. And today is all we are going to think about.....except, I do need a name! So if you have any suggestions for what my little peanut should call me....nothing with GRAND! I'm WAY to young for that! Let me hear them!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
We are growing again....
I've drug my feet writing this post. Mainly because I don't really like dealing with the reality of what I'm about to share. But also because I really don't want to know what others think right now. Having enough trouble dealing with my own thoughts on the matter and walking my entire family through this without the comments of those who don't really know us or our hearts.
I want you to know that my last post about Paizley and her one year anniversary of being with us was written with the full knowledge of what I am sharing....and I meant every word! So this is what I knew....Paizley is pregnant. Our family will be growing again in a way I never hoped. While as a parent I have always said I'm not prideful or naive enough to think we wouldn't have to deal with a pregnant teen, I never thought I would be doing it this soon. But here we are.
As I have shared with our close friends and family the most difficult part of this is learning how to deal with the entire issue and balance the fact that a sin created this life, but the life is not a sin. We are so sorrowful and at times angry about the choices that were made that got us to this point, but we can't be angry at an innocent life now growing inside my daughter. We have to celebrate this life as we would any because God has ordained it just as He does all lives He creates! (Psalm 139).
I'm sure many will judge us on many levels as we walk this journey. Each step we did what we believed was best for Paizley and our entire family. The irony of this is that she was being home schooled (what I think many times is seen as the ultimate protection from "the world") when this happened. One thing I've learned is that short of locking them in a room with no windows and only a little air to breath, your children will make their own choices and whether you agree with them or not, you all have to deal with the consequences.
Many have asked if we are encouraging her to place the baby for adoption. And most are shocked to learn that at this time we are not encouraging that. Obviously we are very pro-adoption! We fully believe adoption is a great option for unplanned pregnancies. However, we have always believed and still believe that this should be the last resort (other than abortion of course which is not even an option in our minds) for the biological family. Let me try to explain.
God gave this baby to Paizley. One thing I will never understand is why so many loving families struggle with infertility while so many babies are having babies and so many women who truly don't want their children are becoming pregnant multiple times. I don't understand it. I didn't understand it when we miscarried and the pain was very personal, and I don't understand it now when my daughter is one of those teens that is making it difficult for others who struggle with infertility. All I know is God's ways and thoughts are not mine! And I, the clay, do not say to the potter do this or that! And that is where I have to leave those thoughts and feelings.
But I know this. God does not give us more than we can handle IN HIM! That is a vital part of that scripture that we often leave out. I also know God does not give babies to women for them to give to someone else. Let me add here that there are extenuating circumstances of course. There are young women who have no support system who truly can't take on the financial or emotional strain of a baby and the most selfless thing they can do is place the baby. Those women are my heroes! I've always wondered how they have the strength to do it and sitting where I am now, I wonder even more! I can't even imagine what it takes to look at your baby, kiss it good bye and hand it to another person all because you love him or her so much that you want what you can't give! Truly, if you are reading this and have walked that path, I am in awe! You are amazing!!! But in general, I hold to the belief that if God has placed a life in you, He will equip you and walk with you in order to parent that baby. However, that means you have to be willing to make the choices and put forth the effort to grow and mature into the parent God intends you to be.
And that is what we are telling our daughter. First and foremost, the decision is hers. This is her baby! But at this point, we are encouraging her to put forth the effort to become the mother this baby needs. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us these next few months in all areas. But I believe Paizley can be an amazing mother to this child, and I would never encourage any woman to place her baby for adoption if she is willing to put in the work to mother him or her!
My mommy heart aches for Paizley. I keep willing time to stand still so this baby won't come until she gets to have the childhood that had already been robbed of her. The childhood we were trying so desperately to give back to her. But no matter how much I long for the time to stop....it keeps going and the baby inside of her is growing every day...and now, she has to be a woman....a mom. I struggle with what role this puts her and me and all the other children in. I feel like my home has been turned upside down and inside out.
Fear for what the future holds could overcome all of us at any moment. But as I've said over and over these last few weeks, this we know: this is no surprise to God, He still sits on His throne, and we will get through this...One. Day. At. A. Time....because He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! And the other thing I know without a doubt is that I am more thankful than ever that God gave me Paizley. The hurt and pain and anger and frustration and the 1,000 + 1 other emotions I have had are all worth it because a life has been redeemed...there is hope that Paizley can still have an amazing life and so can this child. Paizley has a support system now that she didn't have just 14 months ago...and that support system is called a family! It's been the hardest year of my life, and this next one might knock this year off that title....but even still, she is my daughter, and I would not change that. I find myself falling to my knees often these days, but I'm just thankful there is a place to fall!
We covet your prayers. The prayers of our friends and family who know have kept our noses just above drowning level these past few weeks. We covet your prayers for our other children. They have to deal with this also. And we covet your prayers for Paizley.
I want you to know that my last post about Paizley and her one year anniversary of being with us was written with the full knowledge of what I am sharing....and I meant every word! So this is what I knew....Paizley is pregnant. Our family will be growing again in a way I never hoped. While as a parent I have always said I'm not prideful or naive enough to think we wouldn't have to deal with a pregnant teen, I never thought I would be doing it this soon. But here we are.
As I have shared with our close friends and family the most difficult part of this is learning how to deal with the entire issue and balance the fact that a sin created this life, but the life is not a sin. We are so sorrowful and at times angry about the choices that were made that got us to this point, but we can't be angry at an innocent life now growing inside my daughter. We have to celebrate this life as we would any because God has ordained it just as He does all lives He creates! (Psalm 139).
I'm sure many will judge us on many levels as we walk this journey. Each step we did what we believed was best for Paizley and our entire family. The irony of this is that she was being home schooled (what I think many times is seen as the ultimate protection from "the world") when this happened. One thing I've learned is that short of locking them in a room with no windows and only a little air to breath, your children will make their own choices and whether you agree with them or not, you all have to deal with the consequences.
Many have asked if we are encouraging her to place the baby for adoption. And most are shocked to learn that at this time we are not encouraging that. Obviously we are very pro-adoption! We fully believe adoption is a great option for unplanned pregnancies. However, we have always believed and still believe that this should be the last resort (other than abortion of course which is not even an option in our minds) for the biological family. Let me try to explain.
God gave this baby to Paizley. One thing I will never understand is why so many loving families struggle with infertility while so many babies are having babies and so many women who truly don't want their children are becoming pregnant multiple times. I don't understand it. I didn't understand it when we miscarried and the pain was very personal, and I don't understand it now when my daughter is one of those teens that is making it difficult for others who struggle with infertility. All I know is God's ways and thoughts are not mine! And I, the clay, do not say to the potter do this or that! And that is where I have to leave those thoughts and feelings.
But I know this. God does not give us more than we can handle IN HIM! That is a vital part of that scripture that we often leave out. I also know God does not give babies to women for them to give to someone else. Let me add here that there are extenuating circumstances of course. There are young women who have no support system who truly can't take on the financial or emotional strain of a baby and the most selfless thing they can do is place the baby. Those women are my heroes! I've always wondered how they have the strength to do it and sitting where I am now, I wonder even more! I can't even imagine what it takes to look at your baby, kiss it good bye and hand it to another person all because you love him or her so much that you want what you can't give! Truly, if you are reading this and have walked that path, I am in awe! You are amazing!!! But in general, I hold to the belief that if God has placed a life in you, He will equip you and walk with you in order to parent that baby. However, that means you have to be willing to make the choices and put forth the effort to grow and mature into the parent God intends you to be.
And that is what we are telling our daughter. First and foremost, the decision is hers. This is her baby! But at this point, we are encouraging her to put forth the effort to become the mother this baby needs. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us these next few months in all areas. But I believe Paizley can be an amazing mother to this child, and I would never encourage any woman to place her baby for adoption if she is willing to put in the work to mother him or her!
My mommy heart aches for Paizley. I keep willing time to stand still so this baby won't come until she gets to have the childhood that had already been robbed of her. The childhood we were trying so desperately to give back to her. But no matter how much I long for the time to stop....it keeps going and the baby inside of her is growing every day...and now, she has to be a woman....a mom. I struggle with what role this puts her and me and all the other children in. I feel like my home has been turned upside down and inside out.
Fear for what the future holds could overcome all of us at any moment. But as I've said over and over these last few weeks, this we know: this is no surprise to God, He still sits on His throne, and we will get through this...One. Day. At. A. Time....because He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! And the other thing I know without a doubt is that I am more thankful than ever that God gave me Paizley. The hurt and pain and anger and frustration and the 1,000 + 1 other emotions I have had are all worth it because a life has been redeemed...there is hope that Paizley can still have an amazing life and so can this child. Paizley has a support system now that she didn't have just 14 months ago...and that support system is called a family! It's been the hardest year of my life, and this next one might knock this year off that title....but even still, she is my daughter, and I would not change that. I find myself falling to my knees often these days, but I'm just thankful there is a place to fall!
We covet your prayers. The prayers of our friends and family who know have kept our noses just above drowning level these past few weeks. We covet your prayers for our other children. They have to deal with this also. And we covet your prayers for Paizley.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
One year ago today
Our first ever mother/daughter picture!One year ago today, Paizley came to live with us....forever. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I just finished "Wait No More" a book by a family who adopted from CPS and she now works for Focus on the Family in CO. There is a quote in there that goes something like adopting teenagers is like pouring gasoline on the fire of your own sins. I can testify to that! While we have had our struggles trying to mesh our two worlds and become a family, the majority of my hard times this year have been seeing my own flaws and struggles magnified and having to deal with them.
We still have our things to work through. Some of them pretty major. But as I sat and talked to Paizley today, I shared that even with all the heartache and struggles of the past year, I would do it again. She wanted to know why and through my own tears I told her because she is worth it. I watched as the tears fell from her eyes as she heard me say that she needed a mother and God wanted me to be in that role for her. And just on that fact alone, it is all worth it and I would do it all again. If someone had said to me, this is exactly what the next year will bring and this is how you will feel and these are the trials this decision will bring, I would not have said yes! But that is why it's called faith! And that is why I am thankful God calls us to what I've come to refer to as blind obedience! I was as educated on the issues of adopting an older child from CPS as anyone can be, but nothing could have prepared me for this past year. But God has carried me through it and I have learned more about Him in the past year than any other year of my life!
So on this eve of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that one year ago today I didn't know what the year in front of me would hold and I opened my door and my heart to an amazing young woman who needed a mother and a father and brothers and sisters...and even more than all that, she needed to know He Savior in an intimate way. I am thankful that God has allowed us to walk this journey. And I am trusting Him with the year we are entering now!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Our Oldest!
Our wonderful friend, Brooke of Brooke Holland Photography, took these amazing pictures of Paizley for her sweet 16 and new adoption! Brooke did an amazing job of capturing Paizley's personality! She can be so much fun! Thank you, Brooke!
This is my favorite picture of her!! It shows her beautiful smile! We have been told by more than one person that she even looks different since coming to live with us! I agree. There is a peace and a calm about her. She looks nothing like the picture that we saw of her 7 months ago...the one on TARE that introduced us to the girl who was to become our daughter! Can you believe we didn't even know she existed 8 months ago???? Craziness!!! God works in mysterious ways! And in less time than it takes to complete a pregnancy, we became legal (and spiritual way before legal) parents of a 15-soon to be 16- year old! Wow!
Can't believe I have a high school student in my home! We are looking forward to dance team trips and football games to cheer on our Bulldog!!!
Her funny side! It's my favorite!
Our Princess!
She writes amazing poetry and uses journaling as a way to deal with all that she has been through! Girl after my own heart!
This is my favorite picture of her!! It shows her beautiful smile! We have been told by more than one person that she even looks different since coming to live with us! I agree. There is a peace and a calm about her. She looks nothing like the picture that we saw of her 7 months ago...the one on TARE that introduced us to the girl who was to become our daughter! Can you believe we didn't even know she existed 8 months ago???? Craziness!!! God works in mysterious ways! And in less time than it takes to complete a pregnancy, we became legal (and spiritual way before legal) parents of a 15-soon to be 16- year old! Wow!
Can't believe I have a high school student in my home! We are looking forward to dance team trips and football games to cheer on our Bulldog!!!
Her funny side! It's my favorite!
Our Princess!
She writes amazing poetry and uses journaling as a way to deal with all that she has been through! Girl after my own heart!
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Rain
When I went to bed last night, I had a peace I haven't had in months. Yesterday couldn't have been more perfect!
I have a confession to make. When I left the house yesterday, I wasn't all that excited about the day. In fact, I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to have to pretend like I had all these warm and fuzzy feelings that I really didn't have. But this is a testimony of the power and blessing of obedience! Despite my less-than-excited feelings, I made time before we left to ask friends to pray for the spiritual side of our day - that this act would bring about supernatural healing for Paizley in all the broken places of her heart - and I spent time in prayer myself. But I have to say it was more of a check list thing - prayer: check! But God can use even our checklist actions to work for His good!
I'm not sure when things changed, but I think it happened when I was on the stand being asked if we understood that we were accepting her as our child forever with all the rights and responsibilities of a blood born child. As I looked back and forth from the lawyer to Paizley, as I saw the excitement mixed with fear in her eyes, my hardened heart softened. I wanted her to know my heart's desire! What I didn't realize is what must have been occurring in the heavenlies at that moment! I still don't know for sure, but it was big whatever it was!
The day truly was perfect. Even as I blogged and posted the pictures last night, I wasn't totally aware as I am this morning of what had transpired yesterday! I had a very hard time going to sleep because for the first time in months I was at peace - perfect peace. That sounds like I should have fallen right to sleep, right? Well, I wouldn't let myself because that peace has been so hard to come by these past few months that I was afraid falling asleep would put me back in the place of unrest. I eventually dosed off....
I woke suddenly to a noise on my window. I laid motionless to hear again. It was rain! After almost a year of drought, it was raining! I immediately said a prayer of thanks and rolled over to go to sleep. I woke up again when John got out of bed to check and make sure the sunroom wasn't leaking. I hadn't realized how hard it was raining! I kind of half joked with myself, "Oh God, you sent rain for us!" Meaning for John and me! Several months ago we had a word spoken over us about refreshment and the latter rain. John even had a dream about rain and felt it had spiritual significance. Little did I know that little joke was much more I now believe.
After a couple of kids coming in afraid of the thunder and a couple more trips to check the sun room leak, we went back to sleep. I was startled awake again by a rapid knock on my door and a very scared "Mom?!" Took me a minute to realize it wasn't one of the little kids. It was Paizley, "I'm scared!" Without sharing details, let me just say I immediately knew the significance of yesterday's events! I also knew in that moment that the rain was for us! Not saying it was only for us, but totally know that God used it as an encouragement that HIS rain has started! Physically and for our house spiritually! A great victory was won in the heavenlies yesterday! I don't begin to understand it. I have felt spiritually ill-equipped to handle and complete overwhelmed through this journey since Paizley came to live with us. I know that we underestimate the spiritual aspect of what goes on in adoptions! I am learning that full well! But I know that the enemy is ticked off! He knows his time with this precious young lady is coming to a close! He may have had access to her in the past, but she now belongs to a home that is covered with the Blood and he will no longer have that access to her! Praise God!
I haven't spoken a lot about this side of things because - well, even when I talk about them with John or close friends, I feel weird. I sound like a freak describing a sci-fi movie! But I am guessing there are other adoptive families out there dealing with spiritual battles that they may not even know are spiritual! I don't want them to feel alone! I want families who are about to embark on an adoption journey to be more prepared spiritually than we ever have been to handle what my be coming their way! We, as adoption professionals, talk about all kinds of things to prepare families, but I have never heard anyone talk about what may be entering your home spiritually! I am not a hyper spiritual person and am sure not saying to look for a demon under every rock or go crazy on this thing, but the last 24 hours have proven very enlightening in this matter of adoption and the spirit realm! With the finalization of this adoption - with the words spoken by me, John and Paizley yesterday, we made a covenant! We made a decision to be a family. We created a physical picture of what Jesus did for each of us at the cross and we then accept his adoption of us as His children by entering a personal relationship with Him! By so doing, we took back ground that is rightfully ours from the enemy! He no longer has open season on one sweet young soul! Oh sweet victory! Not sure my feet will touch the floor today! And it has been a LONG time since I have "felt" that way! Thank you, Jesus!!!
And for all you friends who stood by us in prayer, THANK YOU! You may not have even known what you were praying for or about, but He did and He answered your prayers! I have no doubt that it was the prayers that stormed heaven that allowed the events of yesterday to break free what they did in the spiritual realm! When I didn't have the strength to pray it myself, you did! Thank you!
I have a confession to make. When I left the house yesterday, I wasn't all that excited about the day. In fact, I kind of just wanted to get it over with. I didn't want to have to pretend like I had all these warm and fuzzy feelings that I really didn't have. But this is a testimony of the power and blessing of obedience! Despite my less-than-excited feelings, I made time before we left to ask friends to pray for the spiritual side of our day - that this act would bring about supernatural healing for Paizley in all the broken places of her heart - and I spent time in prayer myself. But I have to say it was more of a check list thing - prayer: check! But God can use even our checklist actions to work for His good!
I'm not sure when things changed, but I think it happened when I was on the stand being asked if we understood that we were accepting her as our child forever with all the rights and responsibilities of a blood born child. As I looked back and forth from the lawyer to Paizley, as I saw the excitement mixed with fear in her eyes, my hardened heart softened. I wanted her to know my heart's desire! What I didn't realize is what must have been occurring in the heavenlies at that moment! I still don't know for sure, but it was big whatever it was!
The day truly was perfect. Even as I blogged and posted the pictures last night, I wasn't totally aware as I am this morning of what had transpired yesterday! I had a very hard time going to sleep because for the first time in months I was at peace - perfect peace. That sounds like I should have fallen right to sleep, right? Well, I wouldn't let myself because that peace has been so hard to come by these past few months that I was afraid falling asleep would put me back in the place of unrest. I eventually dosed off....
I woke suddenly to a noise on my window. I laid motionless to hear again. It was rain! After almost a year of drought, it was raining! I immediately said a prayer of thanks and rolled over to go to sleep. I woke up again when John got out of bed to check and make sure the sunroom wasn't leaking. I hadn't realized how hard it was raining! I kind of half joked with myself, "Oh God, you sent rain for us!" Meaning for John and me! Several months ago we had a word spoken over us about refreshment and the latter rain. John even had a dream about rain and felt it had spiritual significance. Little did I know that little joke was much more I now believe.
After a couple of kids coming in afraid of the thunder and a couple more trips to check the sun room leak, we went back to sleep. I was startled awake again by a rapid knock on my door and a very scared "Mom?!" Took me a minute to realize it wasn't one of the little kids. It was Paizley, "I'm scared!" Without sharing details, let me just say I immediately knew the significance of yesterday's events! I also knew in that moment that the rain was for us! Not saying it was only for us, but totally know that God used it as an encouragement that HIS rain has started! Physically and for our house spiritually! A great victory was won in the heavenlies yesterday! I don't begin to understand it. I have felt spiritually ill-equipped to handle and complete overwhelmed through this journey since Paizley came to live with us. I know that we underestimate the spiritual aspect of what goes on in adoptions! I am learning that full well! But I know that the enemy is ticked off! He knows his time with this precious young lady is coming to a close! He may have had access to her in the past, but she now belongs to a home that is covered with the Blood and he will no longer have that access to her! Praise God!
I haven't spoken a lot about this side of things because - well, even when I talk about them with John or close friends, I feel weird. I sound like a freak describing a sci-fi movie! But I am guessing there are other adoptive families out there dealing with spiritual battles that they may not even know are spiritual! I don't want them to feel alone! I want families who are about to embark on an adoption journey to be more prepared spiritually than we ever have been to handle what my be coming their way! We, as adoption professionals, talk about all kinds of things to prepare families, but I have never heard anyone talk about what may be entering your home spiritually! I am not a hyper spiritual person and am sure not saying to look for a demon under every rock or go crazy on this thing, but the last 24 hours have proven very enlightening in this matter of adoption and the spirit realm! With the finalization of this adoption - with the words spoken by me, John and Paizley yesterday, we made a covenant! We made a decision to be a family. We created a physical picture of what Jesus did for each of us at the cross and we then accept his adoption of us as His children by entering a personal relationship with Him! By so doing, we took back ground that is rightfully ours from the enemy! He no longer has open season on one sweet young soul! Oh sweet victory! Not sure my feet will touch the floor today! And it has been a LONG time since I have "felt" that way! Thank you, Jesus!!!
And for all you friends who stood by us in prayer, THANK YOU! You may not have even known what you were praying for or about, but He did and He answered your prayers! I have no doubt that it was the prayers that stormed heaven that allowed the events of yesterday to break free what they did in the spiritual realm! When I didn't have the strength to pray it myself, you did! Thank you!
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