I Am Enough. An Open Letter to Mental Health Workers

Dear Mental Health Worker,

I am the mother of  multiple children with mental health issues. Because of the last 5 years of parenting them and their mental health, I now battle depression and anxiety as well. I would like to share with you my experience over the last five weeks with those in your profession....It started with a meltdown that would result in a 7 day inpatient stay.

During the intake we told our story no less than 6 times. Each time I could feel myself sinking a little lower in my seat as I told our family story. I felt guilty for having a child with a terminal illness. I felt guilty for having a child move out to go to college. I felt guilty for providing help for a child who had been estranged from the family  for years.

Worker: "Have you had any major trauma in your family in the last year?"

My husband and I: "No, we have had a fairly calm year compared to the last 5 or 6."

What for most people might feel like trauma for us has become day to day life. We don't mean to minimize what we or our kids go through, but we also can't sit and dwell in it! None of us would survive if we did!

Worker: "Has anyone moved in or out of the home? Have you had any additions to the family or deaths?"

Me: "Our oldest daughter in the home moved out to go to college in the fall."

My husband: "Our oldest son had to leave the home to get some professional help for three months at the beginning of the year, so that was a loss for a time."

Me: "Well, we also had our oldest daughter move in with us for three weeks with her three kids after being estranged for nearly five years. I mean, that was a great blessing for our family to be back in contact.....but I guess that is trauma?!"

I respond sheepishly. Oh, and let's not forget that we received a terminal diagnosis of our middle daughter just 8 months ago that we along with all our children are still processing!

Heck! Just save a wing for us! I'm headed home to get the entire family and bring them back! We all need a stay here!

I didn't say that, but I wanted to in response to the look the young worker gave me as she put her pencil down and looked up at me and said, "Wow! That is a lot of trauma! It is amazing you are still standing!"

And so that almost exact dialogue would play out with each professional we would talk to over the next few hours - finally leaving the hospital exhausted and defeated in the wee hours of the morning the next day.

We would return for visitation and family therapy. Family therapy would consist of much the same thing. I am a professional who trains parents in trauma informed care. There is not much the 20 something young ladies sitting across from me are going to provide me in a professional setting that I do not already know. The one thing I asked for each time was - I need providers!!! I need a good therapist! I need a good psychiatrist!

In her defense, I am sure she was trying to make me feel better. But continually being told that "you have a lot on your plate" while your family is in crisis makes it hard to not start questioning if you really are enough?! Each session was the same. The look of pity mixed with judgement. A list of possible resources that in the end either did not take my insurance or had no openings, or would require over an hour drive one way each week. You are the one who just told me I have a lot on my plate, what makes you think I can add a four hour therapy trip per week to that plate?!

We discharge without clear answers but determined parents. I take off work because it is the first week of summer and that transition from school to summer is always a hard one for our kids.  I know this because I have lived with them for the last 6-17 years. I did not read that in a book about my children. So when talking to me about my child, please listen to know that I do have some insight that I am giving you that is unique to my family and will not be found in any book you read in college or since.

We set our schedule and have a better rhythm than we have ever started summer with. But before the week is up we are back in the hospital. This time there is not a bed, and I am literally in the hospital with my child for 24 hours before they are able to admit her. I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for 10 days. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. But I am smiling and playing UNO with my child because that is what my child needs from me! I am doing it because I am enough!

With this 7 day stay, we had two different family therapists. The first one told us not to do what the one from our last stay had told us to do. Yes, we were in the same facility! Yes, we are in crisis! Yes, I was frustrated! Please be sure all of you on the same treatment team are consistent. Make sure you have inner-team communication! It is vital for the mental health of parents and caregivers!

The second family therapist we had (and if you are counting closely, this is actually our third family therapist in three weeks in the same program) was very helpful and truly tried her best. She gave us some helpful resources and even some practical tools. However each visit, she talked about how we just had so many kids and the chaos of so many kids was just not good for this child. Again and again, I had to hear how my home was just not providing the right atmosphere.

I am a professional. I have to tell families the same things sometimes. So I get it. And I tried very hard to hear what she was saying without taking it personally. But hearing it time and again knowing I had taken off work, I had put structure in place more than ever before, yet I was told at each visit that I had missed the mark - I was told each time that by the very nature and structure of my family I would never be enough.

Fast forward 6 more days. My child is home. We are implementing the plan we put in place at discharge. Well, not exactly because we were told there was transportation that actually ended up not being a thing. So I am driving three hours a day to get my child to and from a program as an intensive outpatient program. I am doing this while still trying to meet the emotional needs of all my other children as well. At this point I am beyond exhausted!

I am beginning to hear the voice of the therapist in my head again! "With that many kids...." And what exactly do I do about "that many kids" now?! Would you like to take some home to see if you can do a better job? Would you like to hire a full time Nanny in order to help ease some of the load and provide another adult to give care?! There are still 7,000 kids just in Texas who have no family - this child could still be one of them! But instead this child has a family who is working to help and provide and love and nurture!

Can I do it? How do I sustain this long term? Can I provide all my kids need?

I open the door to grab my calendar to schedule one more appointment, and this cup falls out. Ironically, it is from our Mother's Day sermon at church just a few weeks ago. I can't see all the words, but I know what it says... "you are
enough" The cup blurs through the tears as I bend over to pick it up. Right there in the parking lot, I am reminded that I am enough.

All am I am asking is that in a field where you are trained to provide mental health awareness and care, make sure you are giving a stronger message than the cups falling out of cars! Take into consideration the mental health of the person you are talking to as well as the patient! Can you remember that none of us live in a perfect world! Can you hear our stories? I mean really listen and not simply put us into cookie cutter, check the box forms?

If you could, it would mean the world to me because to my child, I am her world. And I while I am not perfect, I am enough. If you could just do as a mental health professional what a cup rolling out of my car was able to do, this mother would be ever so grateful!

Sincerely,
One Weary Momma of a Precious Child with Mental Health Struggles

I Didn't Choose It

I have had several people lately mention in conversation that John and I chose this life. I don't know if it's arrogance wanting credit for all that we do in our home that few people understand or know, or if it's my frustration that more people are not "choosing" it, but the comment always rubs me the wrong way. So much so that the last time someone mentioned it, I actually stopped them and corrected them.

If by "choose" you mean we said yes when God asked us to jump, then I can agree we chose this life! But as a Christ follower who believes we have a different reality and set of rules than those who are not Christ followers, I've never really considered obedience to God a choice! I mean I have had my struggles where I didn't follow Him - I am a sinner in need of his grace DAILY if not HOURLY! But I have always been extremely convicted even when I didn't understand at all kingdom living on earth that doing what God asked me to do was the best choice for me. Galatians 5:13 puts it like this, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love." (NIV)

However, the way our "choice" usually comes up in conversation is when someone is talking about the stress we endure or the chaos we manage. That is the definition of choice that makes me want to scream from a rooftop - I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE!

John most recently said it best. When we took on the responsibility of being parents to 9 individual children-10 now if you count the 17 year old living with us this year - we did choose to take on the spiritual responsibility, the financial responsibility, the demands of raising these humans to adulthood and supporting them until death. However, when we said yes to a number of our children, we had NO IDEA what the future looked like!

Let me stop here and be very clear, this is not a post of regret about saying yes to ANY of my children!  I love each and every one of them! I know God placed them in my home, and I am honored and blessed to be their mom! There are no regrets to saying yes! This is not a post to get sympathy or 'at-a-boys' from anyone.  It's simply a post of awareness for those of us raising kids who have struggles we didn't know they would have. It's a post of education to what NOT to say to families who are struggling with behaviors rooted in what happened to children BEFORE they came into the family. It's a post to ask if this is a choice, then why are more not choosing it who say Jesus is their Lord?

Back to saying yes - I have a biological daughter who many would say I "chose" to birth - because many would have ended her life in utero due to her genetic malformation. Did I choose to give her life? You bet I did! Would I choose to do it again? One THOUSAND times INFINITY I would! Would I choose for my daughter to have a special needs child? NO!

Many of my kids came to me as babies - newborns. Just like with Ava, there was no way to know the future. I held perfect little babies! They met all their milestones, they grew and loved and attached and were just my babies. Did I choose to adopt a healthy baby who might have some learning disabilities because of choices their birth mothers made during pregnancy? Yes! Did I choose to have mental hospital stays? Did I choose to have daily trips to the school to calm a child wrecked by anxiety and unable to manage it well? Did I choose to bare scars from meltdowns that resulted in scratches? Did I choose to hear "you're not my mom" multiple times as children process their own loss and grief? NO!

Raising children with trauma, saying yes when God asked us, does not mean we chose the life you see us live today! It does mean that we are committed to parenting our children for a lifetime! It does mean that we trust God knew our today when we said yes yesterday - and we trust Him to hold our tomorrow! It does mean that we have to daily rely on Him to fill us up in order to just pour into our family - with the hope of one day being able to minister outside our family more.

So please, before you look at a family like ours - or anyone in a situation that may be more than they said "yes" to - and think we chose this, please reconsider! And while you are at it, would you consider a yes to a life that may be more than you bargained for? There are nearly 7,000 children in Texas who need someone to say yes to them for forever - and many more who need a temporary yes while their parents get their feet back on the ground! I can promise you it will be more than you thought you said yes to - but not all that "more" is a bad thing! We have more love, more grace, more laughing, and more compassion than I ever could have imagined raising in the family we would have had if we had not said yes!

Confessions of a Weary Mom

So my original title to this blog was "Confessions of a Bad Mom", but a wise friend recently reminded me of the power of words! So I changed it to confessions of a weary mom. While "bad mom" is not who I am, weariness has caused me to act as a bad mom! 

I ran away this week. I mean, I went to help my parents pack and kick off a new program in San Angelo, but really, I ran away. I needed a break. I never understood women who left their husband and children - until the last few years.  

This is a very raw and transparent post. I share because I believe there are SO MANY of us bad  weary moms out there! Especially the tribe of moms with children from hard places or children with special needs - and especially those of us with all the above! I share because I want you to know you are not alone! I share because I think we need to talk more about what happens behind our closed doors. I desperately want to protect my children's stories - but the fact is, their stories intersect mine! I will attempt to walk that thin line here, please give me some grace if I overstep. I also want you to know this is NOT a post written after I have it all together and am sharing from a new perspective. I am sharing from the pit - but I am clawing at the sides determined to get out - and I want to take any other moms in the pit with me! 

In the last three months, I have had a child pack their bags to move out because being respectful was too much to ask, I have had a child tell me our family "sucks" and they want a new one, I have scars on my arm from a child's meltdown that left me bleeding (other family members and a few educators wear similar marks from the same types of meltdowns), I have been told I put other orphans before my own children, I have listened as a new diagnosis is explored for one child – a diagnosis that could possibly have occurred because of medicine I was prescribed during pregnancy, I have been told my sacrifice to be a stay home mom in early years as well as pouring my life into another human means nothing, I have heard words in my home that I never dreamed would be said. I have cried, I have screamed, I have walked away, I have planned my own death, I have run away. I don't share this for pitty or to get a "you're not a bad mom" response. I share because too often we put on a smile and walk around like all is well - while the mom we meet in the grocery store does the same thing. But actually we are both weary and dying in side. I share because I want that mom to know she is not alone - and if you are ready to do the work to climb out of the pit, I want to help you while you help me! I am not interested in sitting in the pit and complaining about it, or sitting in the pit and feeling sorry for myself. I have tried both - and they don't work! 

So let's start climbing!

I ran away this week because I needed a break! I didn't "want" a break, I "needed" a break! My physical body and frayed emotions could no longer respond in a loving and nurturing way to my family. There are many dynamics happening in our family. Many that I will never share in a forum such as this. Any one of the dynamics would probably have been manageable, but when you add all that is happening together, it became my perfect storm. 

Let me pause here to say, if you are meeting me for the first time through this post, I LOVE my children!! I have 9 beautiful creations of God that He has entrusted to me to nurture, disciple, and raise into warriors for Him! While some of their choices of actions and words did give me small pushes into the pit, the real issue here is me. I am the adult. So if my home is not running in a way that I can live there in a healthy manner, I have to look at myself first. And the Truth is that God would not give me these children if He was not equipping me to parent them and give them all they need! None are here by mistake or accident. They are all mine by His design!

Therefore, this week has been lots of pressing into God, stilling myself to listen, lots of self-reflecting. I know that I do not like the mom I was when I left last week. It is not the mom that I want to be! That left me wondering – how did I get here? It didn’t happen overnight. It was a slow process of demands and stress that slowly but surely swallowed the moments of joy being a mom has always brought me. The needs of my children, the struggles they have because of no fault of their own, the pull of walking other families through the same struggles – all of it had left me anxious, irritable, depressed, on edge….and empty. Oh so empty.

About 4 years ago I realized I was headed down this path. I had always heard “self-care” and thought “selfish”.  But after being stuck in the house with 8 children, 4 of whom were 3 and under, I realized “self-care” is actually read “survival”! I had to find ways to rejuvenate myself. I had to find ways to pour back into myself. My husband was running on empty too! He couldn’t be my pourer – and no one can pour out of an empty cup! I had to find a way to fill mine!

I began allowing myself to take 15 minutes to take a bubble bath, or an hour to get a pedicure, or even just allowing myself to go to the grocery store without any kids to have a mental break from the “MOM!!!!!” that I heard multiple times every 60 seconds. But it just was not enough. The output was still more than the input. I was maxed out, and my emotional and physical bank accounts were becoming more and more overdrawn – taking more and more to even bring them up to zero.

Being an introvert (one who refuels by being alone) in a house of 10 people with 8 of them being children (well 7 – my 18 year old adult child would be very miffed I did not note her adult status!) means there is very little opportunity to refuel. That has to change. That means getting up early enough to have a quiet house to start my day. It also means more structure – a scheduled day for the summer; and with more structure has to come more nurture because the balance must stay the same. For a mom who does not do structure well naturally, that at first sounds like more demands – but I have watched enough moms that I admire to know that structure is a good – no GREAT thing for larger families!

So that’s my one thing I am implanting as I return to my home! I will make myself rise before the sun to insure I have quiet time to refuel and be ready to love my children – and my husband! ;) I will find a schedule that works for us – all of us!

If you could hear yourself in this post – the weariness, the despair of what is happening in your home, can I ask you to think of just ONE thing you can do this week? What one thing could you implement to give you some rest, to pour into your tank?

·       Hire a housekeeper

·       Implement an hour of rest time each day – include yourself in that time!

·       Go for a walk while your husband and kids clean up dinner dishes

·       Set aside 30 minutes a day to read that book that’s been sitting on your nightstand

·       Find some fun stickers to use when scheduling your week! (another confession – I have a horrible addiction to office supplies, and the calendar stickers make me very happy!)

·       meal plan and try out the online grocery shopping if you have not already

Find one thing to help YOU this week! Remember self-care is not selfish, it is survival! And Mommas, we are not just going to survive, we are going to LIVE! Who is with me?! Let’s get out of this pit!

I would love to hear from you and how are climbing out of the pit! You can get in touch with me on Twitter @HPetree or Instagram blessedtimes9.

God Sacrificed His Son, Why Shouldn't I?

I am often asked when talking about older child adoption, "How will adoptiong affect my kids?" or "I don't know if we are ready to do this because it may be too difficult for my children."

I get it! Really, I do! I can promise you, adopting WILL affect your kids! It will expose them to things they probably were never exposed to before - and probably won't be for a long time if you don't adopt.

As a parent of 9 children, I often remind myself that the challenges of raising a large family with children who have special needs pale in comparison to dying on the cross. I know. That sounds dramatic! But really, John and I have for years reminded each other that we have not yet anguished to the point of sweating blood (Luke 22:44). Since Jesus did that for us, we really can't complain about the path He has asked us to take. I mean really, can raising my adorable children really be compared to that...

But a perspective I had not really considered about the cross vs adopting is the fact that Jesus is God's Son. Hang with me a minute...I KNOW Jesus is God's son! But when I think about how adoption (or really any act of obedience that has cost your children something - going into the mission field, making a move in order to follow a call, etc) has affected the children already in my home, I have to ask myself, "If God was willing to sacrifice His Son on the cross for me, why should I not be willing to sacrifice my child for Him?" Now before you completely write me off - I am not suggesting that you put your child on an alter or hang them on a cross! But I am asking where we got the theology that God would never ask us to do something that would make our children uncomfortable! Where in scripture does it say that we should wait until our children are out of the house to follow God's commands because they just might not be able to handle it? Who made your children? Do you not think when God knit them together, He had this in mind for them?

I am not suggesting that we don't take seriously our job as parents to protect the ones God has already entrusted to us! But I am challenging the Americanized religious answer to hard things that would require our children to be uncomfortable - even in their own home - in order to be obedient to God's calling and to serve another human who doesn't have what your child does - a family! I am asking you if you are hiding from obedience behind your child?

I recently had a conversation with one of my children about another child. Child A was complaining about how inconvenient Child B is to have in the family. I quickly reminded Child A that Child B struggles with some things due to Child B's beginning before Child B came to live with us! I reminded Child A that Child A did NOTHING to deserve being born into a family with a loving mother and father, a healthy home with everything needed to provide safety, love, and connection. And Child B did nothing to deserve being born into a family who was unable to provide the necessary ingredients for a healthy start! It is only by God's grace those of us with a happy beginning have a happy beginning! We didn't earn it any more than those with a rough start deserve theirs!

If you have felt God tugging at you to adopt, go into missions, move across the country, or anything else that you think would "damage" your children, can I encourage you to revisit it? Ask God again what He desires for you to do - even if it looks like something that will require you to "sacrifice" your children. Can I ask you to trust God with your children and say YES to what He is calling you to?! After all, He said YES to you when He sacrificed His Son for you! If God asked that of His own son - don't you think He might just be asking that of yours too? Just some food for thought....

An Open Letter to the Parents of My Child's Classmates

This is a message sent out after school today in one of my children's classes. Before you read any further in this post, stop and think, "What would I think if this note came home from my child's class?" I know the me of five years ago probably would have wanted to know what in the world was happening in that class. How did a teacher get scratched? Why do you feel the need to assure me my child was safe? Are they really safe?

But today when I read it, I just cried....it was my child. My child put the scratch on the teacher. As I read what the school sent out, my heart broke. Let me stop here and say that we have worked hard to get where we are - but we now have an amazing team of educators working with us for our child. I understand why they had to send a message - well, my head understands it, but my heart really just wants to yell at somebody! If I could have followed that message sent out to the parents by the school with my own message, it would go something like this:

Dear Parents,

It was my child. My child put the scratch on our teacher's face. She is just as horrified as you are! I wish you could have seen how she cried when she realized she had hurt the teacher she dearly loves. I wish you could have seen how brave she was as she sat in a room with a mental health crisis worker, a behavioral specialist, her principal, her teacher, her teacher's aid, and the special programs director as she told her side of the story. I wish you could have felt her heart racing, seen the look in her eyes as she apologized to all she hurt in her meltdown. I wish you could have heard how detailed she spoke about what is happening in her mind and body when her body takes over and her mind shuts down because of fear, sadness, and anxiety! I wish you could hear her tell the mental health crisis worker how she wants to sing "What  Beautiful Name" when she starts getting anxious to calm herself down, but sometimes she doesn't remember to. She shared that she wants to sing on stage some day - I wish you could hear her BIG, BEAUTIFUL voice! Did any of you notice last week that she stood on the top row, the ENTIRE music program and sang, and did motions?! Did you know how hard she worked in the days leading up to that moment to convince herself she could in fact do that?! While you were snapping pictures with your child's friends to document all their cute Seuss hair, we were congratulating our daughter on staying on the stage! Celebrating big just how brave she is! Alone, no friends coming to take pictures with her, but BRAVE! Thank you to the mom who did ask at the end if she wanted to take a picture with her daughter. I don't know who you are, but you made this momma's night!

I wish you could get to know my child! I wish you could see the light that shines in her eyes when she feels safe! I wish you could see how she loves to give big hugs when she feels safe - even though your child has probably told you she hits, and screams, and bites when someone touches her. I wish you knew that only happens when her trauma kicks in and she has little to no control over her actions because her natural instinct to protect herself takes over. I wish you knew just how much she loves Jesus and wants to be like Him!

I have heard the whispers. I see the stares as we walk down the hall after an incident. I have had my friends tell me over coffee or lunch that their friend talked about the girl in their child's class who acts so badly - not knowing that their friend is my friend - the mom of that terrible child. I have heard my friends tell me how they have defended us as a family and assured their other friends that we are loving parents despite what so many assume about us based on our daughter's behaviors. I have even sat across tables from some of you as you made comments about my daughter  while looking me in the eye.

I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. I wish you could love a child with all your heart who struggles just to make it through daily life because of no fault of her own - or of yours! I wish you could sit as a mom beside your child as they realize the horrors they have caused and are heart broken because of it. I wish you could hold my child while she cries because she knows no one wants to come to her house for a sleep over because she scratched her teacher in a bodily response she couldn't control. I wish you understood.

My daughter is kind, brave, beautiful, compassionate, brilliant, artistic, musical, strong, loving - and a victim of early childhood trauma. Please look beyond the latter to see the real her. And please encourage your children to do the same.

Sincerely,
One Proud & Heart Broken Momma

Carrying my Cross

I love how personal God is! I love how many chances He gives me! I love that even when I mess up, He takes me right back! There are a couple of really hard things going on with adoptions in Texas right now. I know without a doubt this is a battle God has called me to. I have tried to walk away - you know "the Lord will fight for you, you keep still" {Exodus 14:14}, but He brings it right back to my door step time and time again. I have finally accepted that this is part of my "for such a time as this" and a way to use so much of our personal as well as professional story that is full of heart ache for good!

But if I am honest with myself, while I have agreed this is my cross to bear, I have not carried it well. I have most definitely not counted it all joy when I have faced trials of many kinds. I have not persevered in order to produce proven character and most certainly did not have hope on many days. In fact, many days, I sat staring at a wall begging for a way out. It. is. hard.

As God would have it, we took communion together as a Body the Sunday after one of these particularly hard weeks. As I contemplated the cross, the load I had been asked to carry obviously waned in a big way! I dropped to my seat in sorrow and remorse that I had been such a complainer that week. Yes, I had been obedient, but I had not been a willing vessel. I had gone kicking and screaming...and kicking some more....and screaming some more!

But as I sat there asking God to forgive me for what the enemy was trying to make me feel like was a huge failure, the visual image of the movies we see with a crucifixion scene came to mind. You know the one where they lay the cross on Jesus' back, he takes two steps and falls to the ground from the weight of the cross and the exhaustion/pain of all he had endured previously and the huge wooden cross tumbles to the ground? That is the image that came to mind! Then that still small voice said, "Why are you being so hard on yourself? Even I had to have someone carry my own cross at some point!" You see the gospels of Mark, Luke and Matthew all state that another man had to carry Jesus' cross up the hill.

Wow! If Jesus struggled to carry his literal cross, why would I not think I would struggle at times to carry mine?! And you know what, the Holly Spirit assured me that day in that pew that He is ok with that! He was pleased that I was still waking the hill, dragging the cross. I hadn't laid it down and walked of, and I hadn't stop altogether! As long as I was continuing in my yes, He could and would continue to use my obedience!

What cross are you struggling to carry? Can I encourage you? It's OK to struggle! Just don't quit! Just don't let the enemy wind the mind games he plays! Keep on keeping on...even when you can't do it with "all joy", just do it! Because God can use even our whiny, limping, complaining, barely making it YES!

He Just Wants Your Yes

God keeps taking back to the first few chapters in Matthew during my time with Him in the mornings.  I was reading in chapter 3 this week after a few weeks of really hard life that has left me feeling like a failure at pretty much everything God has asked me to do....at the top of that list would be parenting 9 children! I thought about all the comments I have received, and I know others who adopt have also, about people who say, "I've thought about it, but...."  And this principle can be added to any calling God has on your life or tug He puts on your heart for any area of service or action He is calling you to.  So many times we don't do _________ (you fill in the blank) because we are afraid we will fail! As I was reading in Matthew 3, I came to verses 16 & 17 that say, "At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.'"

Now I know that verse having grown up in church! But I could have sworn that verse happened at the cross when Jesus had just given up everything, been beaten and died for us! But do you know where that verse is in his life? It's at his YES! It is when John the Baptist baptizes Jesus that God says he is well pleased! It's when Jesus answered the call on his life and stepped into obedience!  It was BEFORE any miracle he would perform. It was BEFORE any people he would speak to that shook social norms. Can I tell you how much that encourages me?! So many times over the last few months I have thought for sure God over estimated my abilities as I have juggled all that I know he has called me to.  I have felt like a failure in most of those areas time and time again even becoming angry with God for asking me to carry this load that was obviously too much for me to carry. (Let me insert here that I know that last statement is theologically inaccurate and a lie from the pit of hell! But it was how I "felt". Feelings are so fickle!) But when I read this verse, I was so excited that God was pleased with me just because I said YES when he called!  When he said to start an agency almost 11 years ago, I said yes even though I was scared and had no idea what I was doing.  He was pleased with my yes every time I missed the mark in that calling because I was learning by the school of hard knocks!  He was pleased with my YES when he asked us to birth and adopt each child that we now call ours even though there have been many days I did not represent Him well to those children.  He is pleased with us when we simply yield ourselves to His will....it's not our big actions and miracles that get this response, it is our obedience and yielded spirit to Him and what He is calling us to!

So if you are like me and have felt like you missed the mark, know that God is so pleased with your yes!  And if you are thinking about a call that God has placed on your life, but you are just not sure you have what it takes, go ahead and say YES! God isn't asking you to have all the answers! He is only asking you to have one answer....YES!

She has a home...

This morning I am preparing paperwork for my first teen placement.  And of course, the teen is a girl! I have had several people ask me if it has been hard to place a teenage girl in a home given our experience.  As always, let me be real...I thought it would be.  I worried about how I would walk a family through the process with my reality in the back of my mind.  Could I really ask a family to potentially walk the path that we did almost five years ago? But honestly, it has been exciting, and even therapeutic on some levels.  And on other levels, it has been tough!

First, let me say that placing a teenager in an adoptive home will never get old! This young lady is less than two years from entering the world without a family (what we call "aging out").  There is an estimated 20,000 (no, I didn't add too many 0's) youth who age out of foster care every year in our country.  If you look at statistics, you know that means 20,000 who are very likely to be homeless, in jail, have children who grow up in the system or all three! So knowing that God has given a family to one of those 20,000 and not allowed her to become a statistic! Praise Him! Truly, this is what I am called to do!

So if this is my calling, why didn't God let my experience look more like a Hallmark movie and less like it was? It would be so much easier to talk to families sharing how amazing it had been to adopt a teenager and provide an opportunity for a life she would not have otherwise had.  Somehow, I think more families would want to do it if I could share that story.  But my adoptive families got the real story.  They hear the hard truth of what bringing broken children into your home can do.  So why would I ask them to do that? Because God tells us to!

I have families ask me all the time if I would do it again.  My answer is yes..for many reasons! Mostly because just like this young lady who is being placed tomorrow, she has a home! My daughter will always have a family.  She is not an orphan.  And the most obvious reasons, my grand babies who are now my babies.  Had we not adopted our daughter we would not have been in a place legally to do what we did to provide safety for them at that time.

So as I get the paperwork ready to take to the placement of a 16 year old who will no longer be an orphan, I am more excited than I would ever have thought possible!  Of course the fact that by everyone's account who has worked with her she is an amazing young lady and this family is a super family helps ease any fears or apprehensions I might have! And I am excited for another teen story that I believe will have a happy ending.  And the moments of sadness that I have experienced during this placement as I watch another mother and daughter and hope for them what could have been (and hope will still be some day) for me and my daughter, I have replaced with gratefulness that I have the awesome privilege of walking this family through the days and weeks and months ahead! I am truly a blessed woman to have this job and call in my life!

If God brings them to mind, please pray for this young lady and family.  There will be transition as with any placement. And there will be hard days ahead as they all learn to live and love together as well as grieve what was lost in the past.  Its just part of this crazy journey we call adoption! But oh what an amazing journey it is!

Dear Church, Families Need You

After 14 years of knowing I had a call on my life for adoption, my calling and my church are finally meeting! Crazy, but true! I am super excited to be teaming with other adoptive families in my church to provide support for families in all stages of fostering and adoption!

But as we talk to families, I am aware more and more of the need for the Church (with a Big "C") to educate herself! The stories of families are just heart breaking.  John and I experienced first hand the inability of the Church to deal with the mess that often comes with loving the least of these that He calls us to bring into our home.  When our teenage daughter who had lived with us less than a year became pregnant, the immediate reaction of the church was to kick her out of the youth group.  Church had been my resting place in a time when my home was a battle ground.  And now, my church was a battle ground as well as I fought to have my daughter stay where she would be spiritually fed and not experience the feeling of being an outcast yet again in her life.  Another family shared a story of their small group not wanting them to bring their kids back because they told each other to "shut up", and they didn't want that around the other kids in the small group.  How many of you loving kids from hard places know that some days we are so thankful that "shut up" is all our kids are saying to each other! Can I get an "amen?!" Then there is the single mom who was told that her Autistic son was too much of a "liability" for them to allow in the children's ministry.  So you have a woman who has stepped out in faith to walk in obedience ALONE only to have the Church isolate her even more!

I truly believe that none of the leaders in these churches desired to hurt or wound or cripple families loving on children.  However, whether that was the desire or not, that was the outcome! Church, foster and adoptive families need you! They have stepped out in obedience, they have climbed out of the boat onto the water and are about to experience a storm with waves like they have never known before!  And many are doing this in response to sermons preached by pastors on Orphan Sunday! But they need more than a sermon telling them to do it; they need the Body of Christ wrapping around them not shoving them under the water!

What is the answer? I believe it is in education!  I believe church leaders need to understand the needs of these families and educate themselves and the staff or volunteers working with these children about the special needs of a child with a history of abuse and trauma.  There are amazing resources out now.  Get on YouTube and watch anything with Dr. Karyn Purvis.  Read Adopted for Life by Dr. Moore.  Read Wounded Children Healing Homes by Schooler, Smalley and Callahan.  These will give you a feel for what the families you are charged by God with shepherding are experiencing in their day to day life of loving these children and trying desperately to show them the love of Christ!

And to those churches who are already doing this, THANK YOU! I know there are many who are building adoption ministries from the ground up and are ensuring the education and training are in place with staff and volunteers before preaching the sermon encouraging families to answer the call to bring God's children home! Keep up the good work!

Lastly, to families who were wounded by the Church because she didn't know how to respond to your needs or your children as you walk this crazy path of fostering/adopting, on behalf of the Church let me say, I am truly sorry! I know the wounds can run deep and the hurt can be unbearable.  Please allow God to apply His healing balm to your heart and find a Body of believers to connect with who will walk with you!  God never intended for us to do this alone! It is a heavy and exhausting work that you have taken on, and you need others to hold up your arms from time to time.  Orphan care ministries are popping up all over our great country as more and more people answer the call to adopt and understand the needs that go with that.  Try to find one....and if you can't, start one! Just maybe you are the answer your Body of believers needs in this area.....

Trust Without Borders: When You Start to Sink

There is an amazing song by Hillsong that has been popular now for a year or more.  It goes like this:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

We heard Him call us out upon the waters!  Two years ago today, we received a phone call that would forever change the course of our family.  Our daughter was leaving our grandchildren, then 3 weeks and 11 months old, with John's parents and returning to an abusive relationship.  CPS would be taking the children into custody the following Monday (it was a Wednesday & everything was shutting down for the July 4th holiday).  John and I had just talked the night before about "what ifs".  We both agreed that bringing these two babies into our home would require drastic sacrifice for our other 6 children.  Children who had already sacrificed much over the last two years as we had navigated life while adding three children and two grand-babies to our family! I already felt maxed out in every way - physically, emotionally and spiritually - & I knew they felt much the same. How in the world would I parent two more infants? How would we pay for two more children in diapers and still on formula?

The big girl in this picture, well she is amazing! 

But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak.  He illuminated every single step we were to take!  We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have.  We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.

On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem.  It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!

The big boy in this picture, well he is amazing! 

You know when you take a huge leap of faith, there is a period of exhilaration that fuels you! Kind of like the adrenaline rush.  We had heard God and obeyed! It was fun trying to navigate our new life.  The older kids were excited about having the babies and helped out tremendously! We would keep sippee cup and diaper counts for each day just for fun....it was a ridiculous number for both!  Life seemed very surreal!  Friends brought donations by the car load...literally!  We were blessed beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined.  We were walking on water.

When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term.  We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter.  We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.

But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months.  God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in.  We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were.  The trauma in her life was extensive.  She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake.  Most of the time she was inconsolable.  She would cry when you picked her up.  She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning.  So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months.  John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under.  Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!

It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life.  As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years.  God called me out up on the great unknown.  He asked us to trust Him, and we did.

So, what happened?!

Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day.  All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.

You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night.  And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh.  We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm.  We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.

You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.

What do you do then? You refocus.  You reclaim.  You recommit. Some days, I still go under water.  But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!

Last y ear!

When you start to sink, you also remember. You remember that this is a season! As we went to our small community's 4th of July celebration yesterday, we laughed.  We haven't done that as a family much the last few years.  We recalled last year's celebration when there were screams through most of it.  Which was pretty well our norm.  But this year, there were less screams and more giggles.  And next year, there will be even fewer screams and even more giggles...because this is a season!  And because healing is occurring...for all of us!

This year~ (The Sun was bright! :) )

As I start to find myself keeping my head above the water more and more, I think we will live again.  I am taking back the joy that is mine in Christ...even with a life that requires more than I think I have to give most days.  And on the days when I think it's "unfair" that He called me to this life, He gently reminds me that He gave his life for me, what then could be too much of him to ask? And He reminds me that my treasures are in heaven and not here on earth.  And I start to look around and see all that I have to be thankful for even in the midst of the chaos! I celebrate the small victories...like all of the kids were dressed in actual 4th of July clothes!  As silly as that sounds, it is a sign to me that I am beginning to be able to do the things that bring me joy in my life! Those little things have been beyond reach the last two years with all that just the daily tasks of life demanded.

Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!

Just because she is so beautiful!

Just because he is so handsome!

From Mimi to Mommy

It is here. The day that I will officially go from Mimi to Mommy.  I have been in the role of mommy for some months now, but today it will be a legal, final title.

As John and I sat and talked about it, we both agreed that there are no words for the emotions.  This is our 5th time to go before officials and declare our desire to make a child not born to us our legal child as if they were.  There has always been such an excitement and grand anticipation of this day before.  But this time is different.  This time, that declaration carries with it such a heavy burden.

My road from Mimi to Mommy is a long and twisty one.  The road started with a simple nod.

"So, are you pregnant?" And then the head nod that would turn my world upside down.

It took time, but we worked through it.  We accepted that the daughter we had just taken in as our daughter, was now going to be a mother.  And we were going to be grandparents...at 38 years young! The months ahead were spent trying to prepare a young girl how to be a woman and mother.  I am sure we made many mistakes! But I know we did the best we could with what we knew and what we had to offer.  And I know above all else, that we went to God with every decision we had to make and every questions we had about what was next over those weeks and months!  He has been so faithful!  I held my daughter's hand as she gave birth to her daughter on July 18, 2012. It was an emotional day for all of us! No matter what our past was, a new life had been born!  A life God created with a purpose and a plan, a hope and future that was good! And a Mimi was born!

I would only get to love on my sweet girl for 5 weeks before she would leave our home when her mother ran away with her.  It was one of the darkest and most confusing times of my life.  Again, I am sure we made many mistakes, but we did the best we could with what we had and what we knew at that time.  I would kiss her sweet face as she slept in a car seat that her mother carried as she walked out of the police station a few days later not knowing when or if I would ever see them again.  I had to turn her totally and completely over to God! I would have worried myself into complete dysfunction if I had not just rolled her safety and well being over to God and left it with Him. Some days seemed unbearable.  Others just left me in a heap of tears with aching arms to hold my daughter and my grandbaby. 

We would only see her three or four times for just minutes at a time over the next 10 months.  When we did see her, we were strangers.  The joy of getting to see her was always met with the reality and heartbreak that she had no clue who we were!  It was an agonizing pain like none I had ever known.  And I was powerless to do anything about it.  During those months we heard through the grapevine that we were going to be grandparents again.

On June 11, 2013 I once again stood in a delivery room as a baby boy would enter this world!  He didn't want to breathe at first.  I stood over him while he was in the warmer speaking life and praying complete health over him as nursery nurses were called up in case he became distressed.  After what seemed like an eternity, they allowed us to hold him and felt confident he was going to be just fine. 

We spent the next three weeks trying to build a relationship with our daughter and her new family.  God would use this time to bring truth to light in a way that can only be accredited to Him! And on July 3 we received a phone call that we never dreamed we would receive.  Our grandbabies had been left with John's parents.  CPS would be coming to get them after the holiday to determine where they would be placed.  The next hours were a blur as God literally lit each and every step for us to take! We learned things in minutes that I had never heard in years of a career with children! And on July 5, a judge granted us full custody of our two grandbabies.  We now had 8 children in our home ages 13, 12, 8, 7, 3, 23 months, 11 months, and 3 weeks. 

We intervened only to keep them safe.  Our plan was for our daughter to get settled and the children return to her.  From the time we found out she was pregnant, we had made it our goal to support and equip her to be a mother to her children.  God would orchestrate a move half way across Texas just weeks after we gained custody of the babies.  So we left all our support system and moved with 8 children, four of whom were 3 and under.  It was the hardest year of my life! John and I looked at each other on more than one occasion and said, "We can't do this!"  But when we would stop to pray about it, God would always take us back to how they came to be with us.  There was No. Way. that could have happened outside of God orchestrating all the events just as He did.  And what option did we have?  If there had been any other way to keep them safe, we would have done it.  But God made it clear, their place was with us. The enemy tried in so many ways to convince us we couldn't or shouldn't do it.  But God was faithful to always bring us back to how they came to us, and remind us that He has a plan and a purpose for them...and that is ultimately whey they are with us.  We are to raise them to be His children for His kingdom purposes!

We would learn that a third grandbaby was on his way into the world.  After much prayer and consideration, we agreed that the two babies needed to stay with us in order to secure a permanent, stable home.  And again, God made a way where we saw No. Way.  In March 2014, relinquishment papers were signed allowing us to be free and clear to legally adopt the children ensuring that they will stay with us.  And just like that my role changed from Mimi to Mommy. 

It sounds so cut and dry.  And I guess on legal papers, it is.  But in my heart, it is anything but easy or cut and dry.  I should be excited about tomorrow!  And on some level I am.  I am excited that legally, there will be nothing that can take these two precious ones out of my home.  I am excited that there will be legal paperwork to support what I already know in my heart...they are mine. But it also is a death of a dream.  A dream of getting to be Mimi to two precious children while I watched their mother, my daughter, raise them.  It means realizing that they will have to wrestle one day with how and why their Mimi had to become their Mommy.  There will be hard questions.  There will be brokenness that will have to be healed.  I always said when we started fostering that the emotions I had during the process were just unnatural.  I did not know what to do with the emotions as there are no files in my brain to put them in because they are just not natural feelings. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption!  There would be no orphans.  This process has been much like that.  There are just no files to sort out the emotions that come.  There will be deep mourning over my daughter losing her role as mother for her children.  And that breaks my heart in ways I never even knew it could break.

But as I think about last night when Ella (formerly Peighton) played on the stairs at the restaurant where we were eating, I get excited about tomorrow!  Why?  Because while playing on the stairs, she did a free fall about three steps up for Callie to catch her!  No bid deal, you think?  It is a HUGE. DEAL.  It showed trust!  The little girl who came to live with us was scared, confused, slept for three days straight, and cried just about non stop!  But before me stood a confident, trusting, giggling little girl who just gets to be a little girl! And that makes me happy.  And that makes all the sacrifices worth it!

And DJ, well you can ask anyone who knows him! He has a light in him that shines bright! And his smile can melt a heart in an instant! He is my boy!

Even as I sat down to really process things before we head to court, God showed up! I was going to look up the scriptures He had given me for Ella last year about this time.  I knew they were in Isaiah but would have to do some looking to find exactly where.  But as I opened my Bible to look, it opened to the exact page with the scriptures marked with her name! It was just one more encouragement from God that we are doing the right thing for them.

Today, the third time that we have scheduled court, we are FINALLY going to make this official! This Mimi is becoming their Mommy! And because EVERY adoption should be celebrated, I am going to do my best to lay aside why we are at this place and celebrate the fact that I have two more arrows in my quiver who are a blessing from God in order for me to train and equip them for their Kingdom purposes! The road has not been an easy one, but today, I lay it all down and embrace the title of Mommy with thanksgiving, excitement and joy!

He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

What Frozen Taught Me About My Children From Hard Places

Like most of you, I am sure, we own Frozen.  And like most of you, we have watched it 1,439 times.  Madison can almost quote it word for word! We hadn't watched it in a while, and she asked to watch it the other day.  I have to admit, I really like do like the movie...and the songs!  I can relate to a lot of the sentiment in Let it Go! And to be honest, I usually join in the crooning with Madison and the other toddlers when the songs come on during the movie!  But this time as "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" played, I was struck by the scene where the father is putting the gloves on Elsa's hands.  With a smile on his face showing that he truly only has Elsa's best interest at heart, he slips the glove on her hand and says, "Conceal it" which Elsa finishes with "Don't feel it".  Then in unison, they say, "Don't let it show."

I was immediately struck by just how much of a picture that is in so many homes where we have children with a history of trauma!  How many times have we handed our kids "gloves" to put over their hurts and simply said, conceal it.  Don't feel it.  And they repeat, "Don't let it show!" Just like Elsa's father, we have the best intentions, right?  We want to protect our children from the hurts they have suffered in the past, and we want to protect our children from what other people will think of them, or if we are really honest, what other people will think of us if they "show" their true colors by acting out in their hurt or wounds. "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show!"

With that thinking in mind, I rewind the disc and listen to more of this scenario and am brought to tears as I think of how I have reacted at times to my children.  As soon as the parents throw open the door to the ballroom and see Elsa holding a limp Anna and ice all around, the father in a very stern voice says, "Elsa! What have you done?!" Immediately Elsa feels guilty, sad and starts trying to explain.  What had she done? She had been innocently playing with her sister and accidentally injured her by over zealously using her power in fun.  How many times have my children been snapped at simply because they were acting in fun and because of their past trauma didn't realize they were hurting someone?  Have I stopped and given them time to explain?  Have I stopped and explained to them that I am not mad or upset with them, but just explain why the behavior is not ok? Have I stopped and given them an opportunity to empathize with the person they hurt and then apologize for hurting them? The parents do what many of us do in a crisis with our children from trauma...we scoop them up and take them to the specialist, right?! This is a very loving and logical act.  But sometimes we get poor advice from "specialists" and sometimes maybe perhaps we over reacted to good advice.  The specialist tells the father that there is beauty in Elsa's gift, but there is also real danger and fear is her enemy.  The dad immediately starts spewing all he will do to protect her...and it ends in complete isolation.  Again, this is a father with the most loving intentions toward his daughter, but in his haste and perhaps his own fear of the opinion of others, makes decisions that actually reinforces the one thing that makes the matter worse...fear. "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

Then we see the "other" daughter outside the door begging Elsa to come out and play.  Her memory has been wiped clean of all that has happened.  I see Anna as many children in families who are accepting the call to love the orphaned and are having to experience the pain and frustration of sharing their home with children from hard places.  Anna has no idea why all of a sudden Elsa cannot come out and play.  Anna is deeply wounded when Elsa tells her to go away, because Anna just does not understand Elsa!  Elsa has no desire to wound Anna.  Again, her fears, her isolation requires her to shove Anna away when what she wants more than anything is to throw open the doors and build the snowman with Anna!  I see this so many times in families.  Children already in the home come into these situations with expectations of adding an older brother or sister that they have always longed for to their family.  Or they are finally getting that little sibling they have always wanted to care for.  Then when that child with all his trauma induced behavior arrives, the dreams shatter quickly.  Neither child is at "fault"! It is just a side effect of children who have been abused and neglected and children who have been loved and nurtured learning to live in harmony in the same family.  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the potential immaturity of an "older" sibling?  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the outbursts and stiff armed shoves of the younger child who doesn't know how to let anyone love or care for or nurture them?  Are we teaching our children empathy as these incidents occur?  Or are we taking the "side" of our children already in the home and becoming offended with them at the immature, illogical and at times irrational behaviors of the children from trauma? Are we making room for our wounded children to learn how to interact with others or are we simply putting them in a room, locking the door and asking them to do the same?  "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

From the first time I saw the movie, the wisdom in the troll when he says, "you are lucky it was not her heart.  The heart cannot be so easily changed, but the mind, it can be persuaded," has struck me as profound!  When these children come into our homes, we "know" they are safe! But the thing is, until they "know" they are safe, it really doesn't matter what we "know".  And even if they "know" in their head this is a safe place, the healing doesn't start until the heart knows it's a safe place! And the heart cannot be so easily changed.

But here is the good news, the heart CAN. BE. CHANGED! How?  We have to teach them to LET. IT. GO!  Listen to the words of that song with your children from trauma in mind! We know there is a storm raging inside of them!  In order for them to come to healing, we have to allow them to take off the gloves, feel what they really feel and deal with what all that means! That means we may have to let them "freeze" a few things in the process.  We may end up with some ice castles and disasters in the wake of them learning to handle their thoughts and emotions from their past.  But when we do, oh the beauty we will see!  They will begin to use their wounds to make ice sculptures instead of weapons! We will begin to see them blossom into the children God intended them to be! They are worth redeeming!  They are worth whatever it takes to redeem this generation!

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result...." Genesis 50:20


** Disclaimer: If you, like me see this and have remorse over how you have responded at times to your children from trauma because you were worn out, tired or just plain on edge, do not let this bring guilt!  Repent, and move on! Wipe your own slate clean and giver yourself a fresh start just like you do your children! Go give that child a great big hug!  If the offense against them occurred recently, go apologize for losing it with them or reacting negatively.  You might just be surprised how far an apology will go! And most of all, know You. Are. Not. Alone!

I surrender....

So today was not a Hallmark movie day at the Petree house! In fact, more than once, I found myself at the end of my rope.  I quit at least twice today!  We are in a really rough phase with two of our kiddos from hard places.  I heard at a conference last year the term "specialized parenting" to describe how you have to parent children with a history of abuse or trauma.  I thought of that several times today and wondered if God realized He gave these precious ones in need of specialized parenting a pretty ordinary mother who was thinking she really can't supply all they need.  So many times peole tell me, "I could never do what you do"....well, I have news for you, today, I couldn't do it either!

You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age.  But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!

Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind.  "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could.....  Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root!  But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.

The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no.  We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much.  We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more.  We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three.  We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again.  We could have told God, I can't do that.  And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did.  However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life".  And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!

You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that".  Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy.  I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!"  But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth.  His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him!  That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!

What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!"  Is it staying in a loveless marriage?  Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system?  Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago?  Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!"  Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?"  You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him!  That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here.  That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there!  Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children.  But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me!  So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?

Coffee with Mary

Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder.  As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary.  Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb.  That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the  humility, obedience and respect that I  pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy.  Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him.  Men bowed before him.  But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!

Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary.  But in a new way now.  I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant.  I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church.  I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy.  I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple.  And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.

This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked.  Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands.  Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it.  There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go.  And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do.  Life is hard because I said yes!

John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I sang it at many Christmas events and as a  Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light! 

" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process!  Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!

"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness?  As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands.  Did Mary feel this way?  Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?

"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"  That has been my heart's cry for weeks now!  God, truly you have over estimated me!  Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man!  Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands!  Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too?  At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited?  Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her.  I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt.  When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!

But I think I already know.  Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!"  When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place!  She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!