He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Heavenly Father Knows Best

When God said to move from our 7th house in just 8 years of marriage, I wasn't exactly respectful in my reply...in fact, I think it went something like "are you kidding me?!"  But He said to move for a swimming pool and a 5th bedroom.  We only had three children at the time!  And we were in a nice, comfortable, three bedroom, two bath home.  But God said move, so we started looking!

Today as I enjoyed one of our numerous family times in the pool, connecting and playing with 5 of our 7 children, I was reminded of how God sees the future that we have not a clue is around the corner!  God knew when he told us to move that the next 5 years would bring 4 more children.  He knew that 5th bedroom would go from a luxury to a necessity.  He knew the bedrooms that I thought were quite the waist of space because they are HUGE compared to most bedrooms these days along with their double walk in closets in each room were going to be a huge blessing to our now equally as HUGE family! He knew that the pool would provide one of the few activities that all our children with their 16 year age difference would enjoy....and it's free!

As I reflect on that, it makes some of the things God is telling me today to do that seem quite unnecessary, a little more exciting!  I could never have dreamed what the pool and 5th bedroom would mean!  Makes me want to jump into obedience in the areas God is asking me to walk right now with great anticipation of what is just around the corner that I can't see yet....but He knows!  It's a great reminder that God always knows what's best and will guide me in the paths that will bring me to more than I could ever hope or imagine if I will simply focus on Him and walk in obedience!

And now to consume some pizza with my amazing kiddos and fabulous husband while we end our Sunday family day with a movie!  Ever so thankful for the family God has built...truly a family built on faith!

Raising World Changers: The Reality

There was a quote going around a few years ago that I can't find now, but it was about raising world changers.  There have been a couple of events the past week that have reminded me that raising world changers isn't just some catchy phrase, it is a reality.  And often that reality isn't what I had pictured as being a "good mom"!

I put my 13 year old daughter on a plane this week to head half way across the country to my brother and sister-in-law for a couple of weeks.  She was traveling alone.  This trip would require her to change not only planes, but terminals in a large airport.  Our little local airport only has 4 gates...and that's what she is accustomed to.  Not to mention the fact that we rarely ever fly anywhere!  She was equipped with her boarding passes, her map of the airport she would be landing at and her cell phone.  The plan was for me to get a pass to go through security with her here and wait for her plane with her.  When we get to the ticket counter, I realize I left my driver's license in the car in the envelope with the money I had just gotten from the bank.  My heart sank! A voice started in, "What kind of mom are you? You can't even make sure you have what you need to help your daughter!" This is a voice I hear often! I silenced it long enough to finish checking Callie in and get her ready to go.  I told Callie I would text her dad who was driving around waiting for me to be done since we knew they wouldn't let both of us back and ask him to come by with my license so I could go back with her. She said, "no, I can do it." Then the voice starts in again.  We get to the security line and I go over everything with Callie again - this is where your gate is, this is the time you need to be at your gate, this is your seat number, take off your shoes, put them in the tub with your liquids and purse, etc, etc.  Then I watch as my amazing daughter bravely walks through security....alone.  On the other side, she has struck up a conversation with an older lady and they are both smiling from ear to ear.  She goes blurry as my eyes well up with tears and my heart swells with pride! Even in her own nervousness she has found the ability to connect to someone from a totally different generation and bring joy.  I holler one last "Good-bye!" and "I love you!" As she walks out of view, I hear another voice say, "When raising world changers, you can't always hold their hands.  Sometimes you just have to talk them through and pray as they try out their wings! And good moms know when to hold hands and when to watch them fly!"

And my Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear that in that moment!  So many times through this journey of fostering and adoption, the enemy has tormented me with thoughts of failing my children.  I have shared before that there is no way to parent 7 children the way I parented 2.  I can't be the "everywhere, doing everything mom" that I wanted to be when I pictured myself as a mom.  I struggle with that more at some times than others.  Probably the hardest time was when we adopted from the foster system.  I was in a Bible study at the time where the talk often turned to protecting our children.  I believe in protecting my children.  What the other moms said made sense.  Many put their children in private schools or home schooled them to protect them from what they would be exposed to in school.  We talked about shows that we would or would not allow our children to watch.  It all sounded great.  There was only one problem...while these moms were protecting their children from the influences of the world, I had just invited the "world" into my home through a child who had never been protected.  She in-turn, at no fault of her own, would expose my children to the very things my friends were diligently working to protect their children from.  I would go home and cry after many of these discussions...tormented by what I had done, but knowing full well God had called us to do this.  I just couldn't reconcile the "good mom" role with what God was asking me to do.

The problem was that my "good mom" role was based on an Americanized view of parenting that says children should never hurt and should never be exposed to anything that might hurt them or even cause discomfort. Don't confuse what I am saying with putting your child in harms way physically or staying in an abusive relationship because it is building character.  That is not what I am saying at all!  But what God showed me as I watched my daughter walk by herself toward the gate to board a plane is that all she has gone through and all she is doing now is to prepare and equip her for the path God has for her! She is a world changer!  And world changers put themselves at risk! World changers know how to be hurt and forgive! World changers have to know how to handle disappointment! World changers have to know how to look a big task in the face and do it anyway! World changers have to face fears head on and walk through them!

Back in the car, headed home, I get a text..."I am at my gate!"  I respond, "Sorry again that I didn't have my license to go back with you."  And the confirmation of what God had already spoken, "It's ok.  Doing it by myself gave me the confidence I needed."  And with that I knew my World Changer had SOARED on this test flight! And I also knew God wasn't just equipping her...he was equipping me....you see I have five more World Changers coming up right behind her!

Mother's Day Reflections: Mourning to Dancing

I haven't really had time to stop and think about Mother's Day.  Life is whizzing by at an alarming rate right now.  But last night during worship, I had a brief moment where I thought about Mother's Day, and I was overcome with grief.  I know, not your typical Mother's Day warm fuzzy feeling post.  Stick with me.....

We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God.  We sang these words

He wraps Himself in Light,

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was immediately transported in time about 9 years ago when we were in the process of fighting to bring Eden home after Addy had passed away.  I had no idea about spiritual warfare or the powers of darkness like I do now, but even in my ignorance, I knew we were fighting something very dark in the battle that raged for our daughter.

There is a line in this song that says,

 "How Great is our God, sing with me, 

How Great is our God, that all the world will see, 

How Great is our God."

Whenever we would sing that song during that time, I was always renewed in my battle for Eden. I wanted the watching world to see that God is good.  I wanted Him to see that He cares for His children! I wanted to keep fighting so that His glory could go on display when she came home and He worked all the miracles out to get her here.

Last night as I again sang, 

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was overcome with the mourning of all the losses I have suffered in the 14 years of being a mother.  The grief brought on the sobs...the ugly cry!  Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, Addy was taken from us by a very preventable illness just months after she became my daughter in my heart even if not legally, Eden was taken from me by an agency who worked in corrupt dealings and by a Consular more concerned with the letter of the law and her power than by the spirit of the law and a child - a daughter who in three short weeks bonded with me in a way an adopted child of 4 years old doesn't usually bond in 3 years, a daughter who the last memory I have of her was as she was being ripped off my neck screaming "momma!momma!" because the helicopter that I thought was carrying me to get the little stamp that would allow her in three days to get on the helicopter with me was about to leave - we never got that stamp.  The grief of letting go of a precious little guy that we only had 4 months, knew we wouldn't get to keep him when he came, but still ripped out my heart when he was moved to another foster home an eventually back to his mother with only my prayers and seeds I pray have taken root as I prayed the Word over him as I would rock him each night.  And now that heart ache of knowing a mother's day is upon me and one of my children is out there in a very scary place and I can't fix it.  My second grand baby is due in just a few weeks, and I don't even know if we will know when he is born.  

In the seconds it took for these snapshots to flash through my mind, I glanced back at the screen and read the words again...only this time, with the anger of a hurting  mom and the questions of a daughter asking her Heavenly Father why the darkness didn't tremble at His voice and get out of the way in these situations? Why are some of the circumstances of right now that really don't seem very fair or much like God is winning happening if darkness trembles and hides at His voice?!

And in a matter of a couple of more lines, I knew! GREAT is our God! That still small whisper that I have committed to listening to more intently in 2013 and following when it is still a whisper and not waiting for the BOOM that comes when I keep "praying" because I'm just not quite sure I "heard correctly" whispered to me - 

"Darkness has fled because you are still standing! Darkness trembles because you didn't quit! Eden didn't come home, your world was tilted off it's access, but you allowed me to tilt it back upright and just two years later trusted Me enough to start the journey again bringing Toben (which means believing God is good) home! You brought a little boy into your home that you knew would leave so that you could care for him in the short time you had him, planting My seeds of hope and the Word in his spirit to be watered and germinate when I am ready.  Darkness has hid because after walking through the devastation of watching a daughter walk away with your grandbaby and still estranged as you face a Mother's Day without contact, you still make finding families for children waiting in the foster system your life's mission! The enemy tried to convince you that you should never ask a family to go through what you went through, but you trusted Me when I told you that I would preserve your calling and ministry."

And my mourning turned to dancing.  I realized that even though circumstances, the snapshots, looked grim and dark, the over all picture was one of hope and light!  It encouraged me in my circumstances right now that seem quite dim and extremely overwhelming...impossible, really!  It reminded me that GREAT is our God, and because all need to see how great He is, I have to persevere! And when you and I persevere through the pain, through the trials, through the unknown, and we do it trusting God regardless of circumstances, we show a watching world that our God IS good - not just when we get the answer to prayer we asked for - the daughter on the helicopter with you, but even when the answer is no!  I hope that encourages you today if you are struggling in an area of pain or heartache - especially as we come upon Mother's Day that is truly such a heart wrenching day for so many women....many whom I call friend! I pray those of you who have babies in Jesus' arms but none in yours find comfort this weekend! I won't try to tell you what you need to feel, just know even a mom of 7 remembers her first mother's day....just four months after losing my baby...and the pain that came with it. Just know beauty will come of these ashes!  He promises it if you trust Him! And for my friends who are "paper pregnant".....get ready!!!  Next Mother's Day, you will be having one heck of a party! Press on, moms!  Press on! Joy will come in the morning!

No Greater Joy as Mom

We have a very exciting day today!  I woke up with great anticipation.  As a mother, I know that today is the most important day in the life of one of my children, and pretty significant in the lives of two others - as what we do today in those two will lead to what is happening in the other!

Today, my sweet Ava Claire will be baptized as a symbol that she has given her life to God!  Her story is not like the other children, where we have a specific date she gave her life to the Lord.  And once again, God reminds me it's not about me and my neat little story for the scrapbook, but He is writing my children's future.  Which is such a great thing for many reasons, one of which, who knows when that scrapbook page will ever be made anyway!

I had started praying for Toben and Ava both to recognize their need for a savior.  We have had very direct conversations and Bible study times to introduce Jesus as their savior, but neither one of them really grasped and could articulate the need or desire for Jesus to take their sins and rule their lives.  Their salvation is one of the things I am believing God for in 2013.

About five or six weeks ago, I sat down with Ava to do her Bible study.  We still struggle with finding a time to do Bible study with all the kids.  It is very sporadic and inconsistent, but we are still working toward that goal!  Maybe by the time Journey leaves home, we will have figured out a system.  Just another part of the story that reminds me God is pursuing our children even when we aren't perfect parents! Praise God!  Ava and I read Romans together where the scriptures point to a need for a savior to save us from our sins.  I start to ask some questions to see if Ava has any clearer understanding, and she says, "Mom, don't worry!  I already asked God to come into my heart."  "When?!" I ask.  "In Sunday school, we were singing songs, and I just felt close to God and asked Him if He would come into my heart and He did!"  So I ask, "Did you tell anyone?  When did this happen?" To which she very nonchalantly replies, "I don't know, a couple of weeks ago.  And no, I didn't tell anyone, just talked to God about it!"  So I do what any normal mother does, I grabbed her up and cried and told her how proud and excited I was for her!  I asked her if she knew what the next step was, and she said, "Sure, I need to be baptized!"

Seriously, this girl has a crazy exciting desire for God's word!  I know that over the past few months, God has been wooing her to Himself as I often find her in her room or in a quite spot in the house reading her Bible.  She may not understand every Word, but the enemy does, and he flees when God's Word is read.  And her spirit understands, and most importantly, the angels of heaven understand and are immediately sent to fulfill God's Word for Ava as she reads it out loud believing God means what He says and says what He means....truly a childlike faith!

"I have no greater joy than to hear my children walk in the truth." 3 John 1:4  Truly walking that scripture out this morning as I am full of joy unspeakable as I prepare for church this morning knowing that one of these precious lives entrusted to me will demonstrate her desire to serve God all of her life.  I used to think, that meant I had pretty well completed my spiritual job as a parent!  However, now I know the truth is that, now I have the fertile soil to begin planting the seeds that will take root and grow into the foundation and beyond that she will need to live the life God has called her to live!  Now we begin pouring into her to make sure she is equipped!

But I love her story because it is such a great reminder that we don't have to be perfect parents!  I am not discounting the need for direct Bible study with our children, but it is reassuring to know that God pursues our children even when we are not perfect parents.  He led Ava to Himself which is what the Bible says He does.  We introduced her to Him through Bible studies, taking her to church and living a life that follows Christ ourselves - talking out some of the decisions we make with our kids pointing to God's direction as the reason.  But ultimately, there were no fancy words or amazing prayer on my part...just a simple time with God in worship that brought Ava to the reality of her sin and the amazing answer in Jesus!  I also love her story because it should encourage each of you who serve thankless hours in children's ministry!  You never know what Sunday "Ava" will accept Jesus as their savior and not even tell anyone....you will know when you receive your reward in heaven!  So THANK YOU, Ms. Lyndsey, Mr. Logan, Ms. Tonya, Ms. Jessica, Ms. Gigi, Ms. Linda, Ms. Megan and the others who serve in our children's ministry! Thank you for providing an environment that ushers in the Holy Spirit and allows Him to convict, speak to, and redeem children!

Along with that celebration today, we also are honored to stand before our church family and commit to raise Madison and Journey in a Godly home, pointing them continually to Him and equipping them for the life God has for them.  We have taken so long because we dedicated Paizley the baby dedication right after Journey was born, and she didn't want to share it with Journey.  The next baby dedication they had at our church at that time was the weekend Peighton was born.  So we could not attend church that Sunday.  So this is the first time since Journey was born and Madison was adopted that we could have the honor of dedicating them to God and promising to raise them in His ways.

To all who have spoken into my children over the years, thank you!  We are so honored with family and so many friends and spiritual family who love the Lord and our children!  The impact you have on our children does not escape us.  And we truly are thankful for you!

Off to get ready....I have an amazing day ahead of me!

Identity

The problem with putting my identity in anything or anywhere but Christ is the internal struggle when that identity is changed by the direction God has you go!

I enrolled Madison and Journey, my two babies, in a 3 day a week Mother's Day Out program for next year. I struggle with that because it puts them in Mother's Day Out more days a week than they are home (weekdays that is!). I'm sure to most you are asking, "What's the big deal?!" But I have been a stay at home mom advocate my entire life! My mom was a stay at home mom, and she was AMAZING! I just always assumed I would do the same. John swears I told him on the first date that I was going to be a stay at home mom, if that wasn't ok, we could end things now!

But then God called us to open Addy's Hope 6 years ago. I remember when John first said he felt like God was calling us to step out and do this thing...my initial response was, "Great! In 18 years when all my babies have been raised, I think that is a fabulous idea!!" But John was confident God meant now so we started.

Addy's Hope has had its seasons where it was more than a full time job, but since it was international adoptions at that time, I was still able to manage it all from home or taking my babies to the office when we had one. But that is changing. God is opening more and more doors and the time needed to do this job well demands a change in my identity and shift in my thinking - going from a stay at home mom to a working mom.

I am blessed that even in having to look at a way to have more dedicated, baby free time to work, I still have flexibility and am not having to put Journey or Madison in 5 day a week daycare. I recognize that, and I am so thankful.

But as the reality of signing them up for the three day a week program for next year hit home, I realized even after all God has done in me the past few months to years, my identity still gets wrapped up in the wrong places. My identity should be in Christ and Christ alone. He is the only constant in this world! If my identity were in Him, it wouldn't matter what He called me to, I would be ready with a YES! Ready to walk in obedience! Just one more way God is calling me to trust and believe Him these days! Trust that He will take care of my babies while they are away from me, trust that He does have a plan that is better than what I can see or imagine - especially when it doesn't look like what I thought plans would look like right now, trust that He will provide the money necessary for the childcare, and believe that He has only my children my best interest in mind ALWAYS!

This is big for me - especially when it comes to letting go of my babies! But one thing I have learned over the last year in particular is that I want to walk in obedience! I want to walk hidden in the secret place of God - and you can't do that when you are walking in disobedience!

Being a Bulldog

There is a woman I greatly admire who told me one morning at coffee that she saw me as a bulldog - when I get a hold of something, I latch on and don't let go. She meant it in a good way....meaning when a fight comes along for my family or my faith, I don't give up. The funny part is when she told me that, I felt much more like a weenie dog! I had lost all desire to "fight" and all faith that fighting would even get me anywhere but worn out.

Funny the things God uses to bring you out of pits! Those words that she probably didn't think mattered much have played over and over again in my head as I have clawed my way out of the pit I was in! If someone who doesn't even know me that well can see the fighter in me, then why would I lay down and let the enemy have me, my future and most importantly, my family?! This bulldog had let her guard down and was snoozing with the drool coming out her jowls while the enemy was having a field day with my family! And that's all it takes....just falling asleep. Satan doesn't have to actively pursue us or get in our business. If we fall asleep on our watch, especially us women who are charged with keeping our home and building up our husbands, then satan just sits back and watches as we and our families destroy ourselves.

We are by nature sinful (Psalm 51:5, 58:3; Ephesians 2:3). If left to our natural desires, we will destroy ourselves, and so will our husbands, and so will our children. God has reminded me of this so many times over the past few weeks! He has shown me again and again the fight that is ensuing for my family. I can't make the decisions for my children or my husband, but I CAN war for them! I can get on my knees and pray that God would protect them, that He would remove temptations, that He would strengthen their faith, etc, etc before they even get out of bed in the morning. And when I don't do that, I have fallen asleep on my watch!

Well, this bulldog has woken up, shaken off the drool and latched on to the things trying to destroy my family! And I'm not only latched on, I'm shaking my head! When I finally let go of these things, they are going to know not to mess with me or my family again! This bulldog is back on guard and no one goes down on my watch! Come on all you moms and wives! Get your bulldog on! Latch on and shake with me! Together we will take back what is already ours!

The Journey: Loving the Hurt While You're Hurt

It has been a rough three weeks. The honeymoon is most definitely over! For all of us! Isabella is still doing amazing! Truly, when I stop and think where we could be, I know we are blessed beyond measure. But even with that, It. Is. HARD!

This past week, my biggest struggle is learning how to love the hurt through my own hurts. Just this morning, as I prayed and begged God from relief from the battles, He revealed to me that my struggle right now is in having to love a child unconditionally through my human heart that is hurting over my own wounds. I am so thankful that God's love is not mine! I am so thankful that He loves me with a love only He can give! Our amazing Pastor is actually doing a sermon series on that right now, but we missed this Sunday because Ava was sick. Can't wait to catch it on the website and can't wait to hear this weeks! While I am thankful for the love God gives me, I am realizing more and more how flawed the love I offer my children is.

Over the past three weeks, I have felt myself pulling back from my children...all of them. Not just "the adopted ones", but all of them. I have become more and more overwhelmed with the demands of loving, training and guiding six children. I have entertained the idea many times over the past few weeks that the critics were right, and we have too many kids. Then days like yesterday happen when I realize I have missed soccer sign-ups and baseball sign ups. We didn't know about a parent meeting at honors choir, so couldn't stay because one parent was home with 3 kids + a sleeping baby and the 6th child had to be picked up from track before the parent meeting would be over. I just kept thinking, "if we didn't have this many kids, we wouldn't have this problem right now." Monday Noah was walking in front of me and I looked down to see his ankle above his socks above his shoe. This means his pants are WAY too short! Over night, the kid has outgrown his pants...AGAIN! Immediately, I hear a voice say, "Now you LOOK like a family with a bunch of kids! Your son's pants aren't even long enough! If you didn't have all these kids you would have noticed sooner and you would have the money to go buy new ones right now instead of having to wait until payday!" My friend Emily and I have always joked about looking like "one of those" families with all the kids! While we can joke about it, it really is a real battle of fear and image that I seem to be fighting more and more lately.

I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted.

The thing is, I know that each of these things I am talking about are attacks from the enemy. I have amazing friends around me who send me e-mails filled with truth that I really don't want to hear at the time, but appreciate their honest truth none-the-less. But because of my hurts from the past few years with God and some people close to me, I have a hard time believing those truths right now. Which ultimately boils down to my trust issues with God rearing their ugly head again! Yuck!

I shared my fears about adopting an older child at the time we were considering bring Isabella into our family. I had real fears about my ability to emotionally and spiritually support even one more person. Those fears come from some real struggles that are currently happening in our family life. But as the reality of all that mothering six children means has come to pass, those fears have become reality. It is scary. It is overwhelming. It looks impossible.

But what is the truth? The truth is God hand picked each of these children to be in our family. His fingerprints are all over every single one of their births and adoptions. Each one of them truly were not planned by John or me! Even Callie who we say is our only "planned" child was conceived after a miscarriage ~ had we not lost our first baby, Callie would not be here. Every other child has a God print on their existence in this family, including the one I'm carrying...and don't get me started about thinking about adding a newborn to the mix!

The Truth is also, as one dear friend reminds me frequently, satan wants our family to fail. He wants John and I to divorce. He wants us to give up on parenting Isabella (it would truly be giving up on parenting, not on her because she is amazing!). He wants us to be poor examples of Christ followers to our children so that they grow up thinking following God in hard things makes you bitter and angry. He wants us to turn down any other children that God may already have planned for us. NO, I'm not looking for any! But with my feelings right now, I never would even be open to more children.

The truth is satan wants me to believe that I can't do this. I find myself saying it all the time, "I can't do this." But that is not what the Word says! It says, I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength! God, if I let him, can heal my hurts so that I can love my children despite my hurts.

As you guys know, I'm transparent..and in light of that, I'll just share....I'm not there yet! I'm struggling. I'm trying to believe God for the promises that have been spoken over this baby and our year. I was at a birthing center last week praying for a friend as she walked out a promise from God that she would successfully deliver a baby totally naturally after two c-sections. God has used her experience over the past week to speak to me when I chose to listen. John and I are in an all out war for our family right now. These promises that have been spoken over us would be healing of 13 years worth of hurt and disappointment. These promises would mean our family would be healthier than it has ever been....yes, even with six, soon to be seven, children! Since I've had c-sections on both my births, I don't have the experience that my friends who were with me at the birth center have had. As I heard them talk and we prayed for strength and perseverance and bound fear and cast it out for our friend, I know God was implanting that analogy in my heart. John and I are in labor with our family. I am at that point where fear sets in. I am at that point were the pain seems like it will never end and is not worth it! The ladies all talked about how towards the end it gets so hard you want to quit, but if you persevere, you end up with this amazing little baby and a euphoria that cannot be described! I think about my amazing friend who delivered all 10 lbs and 11 oz of her sweet baby boy that night - totally naturally! And I am encouraged to keep laboring through this process. It's ugly, it's messy, it's not fun, but it's necessary to produce that family God desires for us and the healing He has promised us. It's necessary to love my hurting daughters who need more love and reassurance from me than I feel like I can offer in my own wounded state. So today, which is what God tells me to only be concerned with, I'm going to kick fear out and walk in belief and faith that God will bring to pass that which He promised. I will not allow the enemy to taunt me with the failures of the past or the disappointments of the past. And try desperately to be as confident as those last sentences sound! :)

Mother to six....

Exhausted, dishes in the sink, laundry piled high, work on the dining room table, still have a baby to put to bed...makes me start wondering why or if I should do this mom of six thing. Then B-man giggles and smiles that smile that makes his eyes disappear and lights up his entire face! Then I know I can because God has called me to it and I have to because each of these precious ones needed a mommy to tuck them in tonight. So I will keep rocking then start laundry and wash dishes....and will rejoice that I am blessed to lay my head down tonight as mother of half a dozen!

From Liberia to Kingergarten

This is my baby boy. He went to kindergarten this week. Did I cry? I managed to choke it back! I was actually doing great until John says as we headed to his classroom, "You came all the way from Africa for this!" That did it! My heart broke and the tears welled in the eyes.

I am learning that there are many significant events in life that with adopted children are even more significant. Not that the first day of kindergarten wasn't a big deal for Callie, it was! She was my first one to go! I thought my heart was being ripped out! But, there was never a doubt from the time she was conceived that she would go to kindergarten. That is just what we do in America. And really not a doubt that she would go to college...unless God calls her to the mission field before that....because that is just what we do in our family.

But that is just not the case with my baby boy, Toben! From the moment he was conceived, there was a question mark. Liberia has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world. One in five babies die before they reach the age of five. That means one of my five children would not make it past five. That is sobering. It is also has one of the highest deaths among births for moms in the world. I can't imagine the fear mixed with joy his mother must have had when reality hit that she was expecting her second baby. Would she make it through the delivery to raise this baby and his older brother? If she did, would the baby survive? Would she have enough milk to nurse him? There are no other options for her, you see. No Wal-Mart to go buy formula if the milk doesn't come in. Toben defied the odds. He survived delivery, and so did she. He made it to two and a half years old before there was no more milk. Then he was brought to a home. A home full of children. A home that housed his older brother whose court decree had just been signed making him the son of an American family.

A mother who loved her son enough to let him go. A father who dreamed of a better future for his little boy. But more importantly, a Heavenly Father who had ordained Toben's days before even one came to be. He has a plan for Him!
All of that for Toben to make his way to kindergarten!

You see, this is the house that Toben live in before he moved to the orphanage.

These are children in his village as they were when I visited last year.

They don't attend school. They have no hope of attending school. As we waited for him mother to come in from the field, we sat in the kitchen (pictured here) and talked to the girls and their babies. I use girls purposely as most of them could not have been more than 13 or 14 years old and had one or more babies. Those who were able were working the fields to get enough money or food to sustain themselves for one more day. Survival. That is the name of the game.

But not for Toben. God picked him up out of that and placed him in my home. He entrusted this little boy to me and John. He entrusted us to provide for him the things that he would not have received if he had been left where he was.

Why? Why did Toben leave and these other children remain? Why was it important for him to escape that life?

I.

Don't.

Know.

I wrestled with that as an adoptive mom before Toben, and I wrestle with it even more as an adoption/humanitarian worker. It is one of those things that I just have to release and rest in knowing that God's ways are not mine!

I often forget all that Toben came from, but on this day, as I walked him to his class, it came flooding back and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be this little boy's mommy! I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of what that means. I have a job to do with all my children, and I will be held accountable for my failures - which are many! But for my adopted children, God removed them from the mom they had for a reason. I don't know always why that reason is, but I owe it to those women and more importantly to God to bring honor to their decision to let them go and God's decision to place them with me.

As I took this picture, I knew in this situation, I was doing that! Toben was starting school. He was beginning a new chapter of his life that would not have been possible had he remained where he was. Even if I had supplied his mom with the money for school as so many think should be done (aka: UNICEF, Save the Children), there was NO SCHOOL for him to attend! It. Would. Not. Have. Happened! It wasn't just a matter of money! It was a matter of everything....and now, he has gone from Liberia to kindergarten, and only by the grace of God!

And he is not the only one! In an amazing thing that God has done just to add icing on the cake, Toben started with an orphanage mate! The little boy in this picture with Toben was in the orphanage with him. His family now lives two blocks from us and are some of our best friends!

God, thank you for my little boy. Thank you for entrusting him to me! I am overcome right now with how unworthy I am of this little guy! And you quietly remind me that I am so unworthy of the cross, and the oh so many other good gifts you have given me! My life is not enough, Lord for what you have done for me, but it is all I have....and I give it to You! Thank you for allowing me to be apart of this miracle of adoption! What a picture of Your love for us! Help me to always bring honor to your decision to place this little boy in my home and to be called my son. Thank you! I love you! Amen!

Baby pictures

I FINALLY got to go see Blind Side last week with John. One of my favorite parts was when at Michael's graduation, his mom has a baby picture of him. Her husband leaned over and asked where she got it, and she said out of an advertisement! I loved it..but at the same time my mommy heart was sad! When Toben graduates or we have as slide show at his wedding, I won't have baby pictures of him either. I am a picture freak! So it makes me very sad to know I don't have any of him before he was 2 and a half.

I hadn't really thought of it that much until a couple of weeks ago when there was a precious baby boy at church who is African American and sporting an afro. Tears came to my eyes as I wondered, "Is that what Toben looked like?" I will never know!

It hit again when we were looking on the American Girl Doll site for the bitty twins that Callie wants. She wants the dark skinned ones, so a little boy popped up with curly dark hair! Like mother, like daughter: those are the ones she wants! :)

Did he look like the doll with really tight curls? Just one of the many things I will never know about the first three years of his life that I missed out on! But I can spend the rest of his life making up for it! And I plan to do just that!

Dreams Do Come True!

Haven't blogged in awhile...been in quite a fog and haven't had lucid enough thoughts to put them down! Hope this means the end of blogger's block! :)

We have a tradition on my birthday that we take a picture of me with the kiddos! It is about the only pictures I am in since I am usually taking the pictures. So this tradition will help the kids know they had a mom when they look through albums in years to come!

I was posting the one from today (b-day is tomorrow, but we celebrated with my parents today) on facebook, and I was just overcome with emotions...one being gratitude! As I looked at those 4 faces stacked one on top of the other, I realize that so many of my childhood dreams have come true! I wanted a multi-racial family before multi-racial families were much of a reality around me! As I look at the faces of my children, I see God's love for us! He doesn't care about skin color or how we got where we are, He loves us all the same! Just like I do my kids!

I have been attracted to African American children all my life! I have always thought there was no cuter baby on earth than a little African American baby...and now, there is a sweet little face just like that in the faces of my children!

I used to say I wanted 12 kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind after I had my first. I did for about 6 months. But then I was ready to talk about more kids. By the time I got to adulthood, I had said I wanted 4 kids: two boys and two girls! And that is exactly what I have!

Dreams really do come true!!!

Thank you, God, for my precious children! I don't deserve any of them, but You have trusted Them to me for this short time to train them in Your ways! I pray You can repair the damage I do and reclaim the ground I lose with them! Make me the mommy I need to be to teach and train each of them to be the warriors you need them to be for Your Kingdom!

Battles and Perspectives

Today is a rough day! This is Toben and Ava's last day at their current Mother's Day out program. They have many friends there and Toben has amazing teachers! Ms. Becca even cried when we told her we were leaving..touched my heart more than she can ever know! As an inter-racial family we get many responses and to have another person love my African son in that manner just makes my heart sing...and then break since I am moving him.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. About the time I would think I am over reacting and I need to just let it drop, God puts a lesson in my inbox or in another lesson I am listening to about fighting. The post from the Proverbs 31 devotion is one example. Another is a Beth Moore Podcast that I listened to on a recent trip. She stressed over and over that at this time in Western Christianity, we need fighters! Her words were, "We are in desperate need of warriors, not whiners!" Then she repeated over and over, "We have to STEP UP! STEP UP!" A wrong was done at their Mother's Day out program. Two specific children with special needs were discriminated against, one was my daughter. The only choice given to me was to move my child (which I was informed would result in a speedy replacement for their program) or leave my job every time Ava needed her diaper changed. Could I do that? Yes, I could, but should I? I don't think so. Should I remove just Ava and let Toben stay? Why would I leave him in a program that seems to have no concern for children with needs or really in the development of a child. I was very sarcastically asked when the issue was being discussed with the director if I had found any program in Midland that would take a three year old who was not potty trained. In fact, I did! Four out of the five I spoke to did not require her to be potty trained (even without a medical condition) and one of them that did said they would make an allowance for her since she has a medical condition keeping her from being on target currently. And the more research I did, the more I found that no child development professional says that children who are not potty trained by 3 are behind! Most state that children will usually be trained between the ages of 2 and 4.

So am I doing the right thing? I wish I could say without a doubt that I am. I can't. But I do know that God needs more people to step up for what is right! So many of the things that I have had to step in and fight for would not have even occurred if the people before me had fought or even just informed others instead of laying down and taking the easy, less conflict path. Just a few of these are the halt on adoptions in Liberia and the agency we used to adopt Eden and Addy that resulted in a denied visa. Because of these experiences, God has placed with in me a willingness to fight a battle even when I may not see the positive outcome of the results, but those who come after me will. That is why I am doing what I am doing at the school.

The other thing I consider on this tough day is perspective. I was reminded that even my adoptive parents don't understand why I want to fight the Liberian government for the rights of the Liberian children and the oppressed people of Liberia. It's not that they don't know the problems. It is that they see a different perspective than I can see. Because of confidentiality among other things, they cannot know all that I know about the officials that I have been called by God to expose. They see their adoptions. The same is true with me and God.

In this little situation with my children and their school, I just see how it effects my kids. The easier road would be to leave them there. But what I don't see is the bigger picture that God sees. There may be a real reason He needs me to remove my children as a statement that intolerance of children with minor needs should not be tolerated, or a director not communicating expectations to parents is not a good way to run a program. I don't know. But I know that God has impressed on me that laying down and letting this incident go without notice is not ok.

So with a heavy heart that the actions of adults have caused my children heartache, I will pick them up today and take them to their new school on Tuesday.

Oh, AND this afternoon we meet with one of Callie's teachers who continues to refuse to follow policies set by the school or provide Callie with all the materials she needs to complete requirements.

Add on top of that my conviction (only mine...I don't judge those without the conviction and wish those without it wouldn't judge me...) to not participate in Halloween in any way on a day when the little kids are having costume parades, and I am beat up before my day even begins today. Well, that is not accurate! I have just had to use my armor a lot already this morning and have a few arrows stuck in my shield of faith and belt of truth where I fended off the attacks from the enemy saying that I should compromise just this once..its not a big deal to put them in some dress-up clothes...well, that would be true except God says NO! Weary of fighting? Me too!

But if I don't fight for my children, who will? As I put on my face book status when all this was coming to a head...this reminds me of the 143 million children who don't have parents fighting for them! And my heart breaks again!

Fighting for what is right...

I receive the daily devotions from Proverbs 31 Ministry...they are wonderful! I would encourage you to subscribe! Today, the title was, "Raising Children with Moral Courage". I have been accused more than once of being too bold or too outspoken. I'm sure you find that astonishing! ha! But the older I get and the more I work in different circles, the more I am amazed at the lack of backbone I see in people. Few are willing to stick out their necks for what is right, especially if it means that they may receive ridicule for their stand.

The devotion said it this way and points to our children:

Although Jesus calls us to a life of forgiveness and compassion, even He didn't tolerate those who dishonored God's holy temple. With righteous indignation, Jesus turned over tables, and drove out money changers and those who were selling doves within the walls of the temple, accusing them of turning His father's house into "a den of robbers" (Mark 11:17). The Bible records many stories of men and women with moral courage. These individuals knew what was right, and were willing to take a stand in spite of their own fear. They weren't perfect, but the heroes of our faith saw injustice as more than a personal offense, they saw it as an offense against God.As it becomes easier to settle into a life of ambiguity, our children are finding it harder to summon moral outrage. Today a challenge is set before us as parents to raise, and to be, men and women who will stand for what is right. We live in a world that needs the touch of God through the hand of His people. We can't be bystanders and make a difference.As parents we can instill moral courage into our children by stepping out in faith to help someone else, in spite of inherent risks. You see, we can't learn moral courage from a book. We can only learn it by being brave once. Then doing it again.

Let's be brave today! Look for ways today that Christ is asking you to take a stand for the less fortunate or the bullied...as I saw the news story this morning of the 15 year old who was set on fire by his classmates, I realize that the world our children are growing up in is nothing like the world I grew up in, and they are going to need so much more courage than even we do to take a stand! So let's now wait another day to model this courage before our children!

Heck of a week!

So after Ava's MRI on Monday, we went to Crane to be with family because John's Aunt Linda passed away. While we were there, Noah tripped over Toben and broke his right arm...two bones, totally bowed....went to the Crane ER..made John promise me to NEVER take me there if I am really sick!

Friday we put our second child under anesthesia in one week...doc was able to set it without cutting it open. Thank You, Jesus! So now we are in a cast and have to go have it checked next week.

In case you are counting that is three broken arms in the P-tree family in about 8 months..Ava, Callie and now Noah. I'm pretty well done with broken arms! The orthopedic doctor should NOT be programmed into your phone!

MRI Over

We are home from Ava's MRI. All went well, Thank you Jesus!!! Doctor's were very impressed with how well she did. I didn't get to go back with her like I said I would before they put her totally under, but she didn't cry when they took her, so that helped me! They were very good with her! The doctor that took her back has 6 children. He had lots of practice with kids!

When she started coming out of the anesthesia, she was very disoriented and more than agitated! She wanted me to hold her, but she wouldn't be still. She was very angry that we would not take the IV out RIGHT NOW! But she calmed down the more she came out of it. They say this is normal for kids coming out of anesthesia. Since we have never had a child who has had medical procedures, this is all new!

They say it will take about a week to have the results. I am really not concerned about the results as God has given me perfect peace! If they show something we aren't expecting, He will take care of it! Now that the sedation is over, all anxiousness is gone!

We had asked her if she wanted McDonald's or doughnuts since she wasn't able to eat or drink this morning. She said doughnuts. But the second we walked out of the MRI lab, she smelled the popcorn that the pink ladies sell, and she said she wanted popcorn. We stopped to get a coke and she was as happy as can be with her popcorn and coke! They also gave her a bear in scrubs complete with mask and hat!

Now she and John are headed to Crane to be with family as John lost his aunt this weekend. Aunt Linda was more than "just an aunt" to John as she helped take care of him and his brother when his dad was being treated for cancer when they were little boys. Aunt Linda will be severely missed by all of us!

The rest of the kids and I will follow to Crane after they get out of school.

This is a busy week....lots of major things happening...God will most definitely have to carry me...but He is so good at that! :)

Ava's MRI

Had Ava's sedation appointment this morning. I didn't get nervous until they started talking about her being totally under-then got a little nervous! I am more fearful of the sedation than of the MRI results! But as God has taught me through this crazy journey of mothering He has taken me on, He loves my children more than I ever could and they are really His kids on loan to me to love and nurture and train in His ways! So Ava is safe in His hands! What peace that brings!

so true!

My Mom sent me this! :)

JUST A MUM?
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the Licence Centre, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. 'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder, 'do you have a job or are you just a ...?' 'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman. 'I'm a Mum.' 'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,' Said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Licence Centre. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.' 'What is your occupation?' she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. 'I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.' The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in m midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. 'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,'just what you do in your field?' Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the kids and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.' There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.In the bedroom I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.' Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers 'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations' And great grandmothers 'Executive Senior Research Associates?' I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts Associate Research Assistants.

The smell of bacon....

is torcher on a Daniel fast! Oh my goodness! I am starving, but fruit just doesn't sound good! I need to find something to make that John and I can eat that is different from what we have been eating. We are almost half way through! I haven't cheated one time! It was only by God's strength that a piece of bacon didn't go in my mouth this morning! We fix big breakfasts on Saturday mornings, so I fixed, bacon, eggs and waffles for the kids. I will go choke down my oatmeal! :)

Really, though, it is good. It is good to rely on God for something silly like not putting a piece of bacon in my mouth! Then when something big, ummmm like parenting 7 children for a limited time, comes, I know I can trust Him there too!

Yes, you read that right, John and I will have 7 children for a little while...just a few weeks. We have a situation (can't share details for confidentiality reasons) where we need to take in three kids until legal documents can be finished for them to go to their home in Colorado! God has a great sense of humor, huh?! I don't even have a car that will hold just me and all the kids! Our van and Suburban only hold 7 (7+1=8) ha!ha!

But let me just say how proud I am of my hubby! Everyone knows when a child is in need, I will jump on it before I even think! That is just how I am wired! But John was the first one to say, "they can come here"! Thank you, John!

I am sure the next few weeks are not going to be easy, three new kids that will be going through a huge emotional crisis, my four that are always in emotional crisis (at least in their minds!), running the ministry which is about to explode (all good things right now!) and do life as usual! I just try not to think about it! God knew this was what tomorrow held for me, so as long as I am on my face, trusting Him, it will all work out! Crazy thing is that we already had beds for all three...not in the right rooms, but we have beds! We will have four boys and three girls, for the first time in this house, the boys will out number the girls! Oh my!

So say a prayer for us if you think of it! I may not be blogging much for the next few weeks...if I am absent you will know why! We will pick the kids up on Monday night!

Toben funnies!

Toben and Ava were playing play dough when he says, "I share!" I look over and he has taken Ava's play dough from her! That is his definition of sharing!

A little bit later he got the Bob the Builder Leap Frog book out and started singing the song. Only this is Toben's version: "Bob the Builder! Can we broke it? Yes we can!" Truer words were never sung! :)