Happy Birthday, Ava Claire!

Four years ago today joy was born into my heart again!
Many of our friends now did not know us four years ago. They didn't know us when we walked the journey preceding Ava. So I figured on her birthday, I would reflect a little on just what God did through Miss Ava!
I went to Sierra Leone, West African in June/July 2005. I went to complete the adoption of our surviving twin, Eden. I was there three weeks. I fell madly in love with a little girl that I had to leave behind...having her ripped off my neck the last time I saw her thinking I would return in three days to get her. That was almost five years ago, and is still the last image I have of her.
What that trip did to me was life changing. Not for the better at the beginning. But after wrestling with God that has left me with a limp, it changed me for the better. Mainly, it taught me to trust in God, not an outcome! My faith is not in outcomes, but in the God that provides the outcomes!
In the months following my return without Eden, hope was hard to find and joy was even more elusive! I read the scriptures that said God offered the abundant life, but I had just walked the most faith filled journey of my life only to have it end in what I viewed as total disaster. I truly was at the biggest crisis of faith I have had thus far. For the first time in my life I wasn't sure God even existed much less cared about little 'ol me!
Just two months after returning from Sierra Leone, John and I were arguing about who would go back to get Eden. I was determined that I would since she had already bonded with me. I don't even remember the reasons why he thought he should go. All I know is that we were still making plans for one of us to fly back and pick her up as soon as the Embassy had finished their field investigation and gave us the green light! Then I started feeling extremely exhausted! We were using preventative measures, so I couldn't really wrap my head around being pregnant...besides; we still had a four year old who was coming home any day now! I couldn't handle that many preschoolers and be pregnant!

I kept putting the signs off as stress. But one night, I decided to find out for sure. Hadn't even told John that I suspected anything. When that little line showed up, I was stunned! So I went into John about 2 or 3 in the morning and flipped on the light (I always seem to tell him about my pregnancies in the middle of the night!) and said, "Well, it looks like you win, you will be going to get Eden!", then showed him the test. He sat straight up in bed and said, "What?!" So I said it all again as it soaked in for him.
We were excited, but still shocked and not sure how we would do it financially, emotionally or physically! But as always, we saw today, God saw tomorrow.
Just two months after we found out that Ava was on her way, we would receive the devastating news that Eden would probably not come home, and in January 2006 we would receive the definite "no" to our visa request. Without living in Sierra Leone for 6 months, my baby girl who bonded from the start and called me momma and held on to me with all the might her weak little arms could muster that last time I would see her would not be coming home. I was quite sure that life would end. I wasn't sure how to go on....then I would remember the life growing inside of me. The life that we hadn't planned, but that God had placed there as a magnificent surprise. In those moments, all I could think was that I had a life inside of me to protect. Getting too upset or distraught would put that life at risk, at least in my mind. So I knew I had to put one foot in front of the other.
As the months went on and my belly grew, my emotions were a mess. We had waited over a year and a half for Eden, and now she would not be coming home. A friend who was adopting at the same time from Sierra Leone and I would say it was like being eternally pregnant! We kept expecting, but no birth! There was an irrational part of me that wondered if at the end of nine months I would really have a baby or if the doctors would say, “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t really mean May! Please fill out this other stack of papers and we will set a new date!” I still had the experience of my first pregnancy when we lost our baby that haunted me also. Being pregnant didn’t mean a baby at the end anymore than adoption did! I was scared to hope, scared to feel, but most of all scared to trust!
That morning as they prepped me for the c-section, I was so ready to meet my baby girl! But as they took me into the delivery room, anxious doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. The longer it took that anesthesiologist to get my spinal finished, the less I could breath. They hadn’t let John come in with me while they were prepping me. I think I asked the nurse 10 times if they had gone to get him yet. When he finally was allowed in, I was a mess! My usually strong woman demeanor left and all I could say to him was don’t leave me! Stay right here (which meant that he couldn’t look over the sheet and give me a play by play of this birth as he had Callie…..but he had already been instructed not to do that even if I was not a mess….no woman needs to hear her husband say, “they just put your stomach on your chest!”) .
It seemed like it took forever for them to get her out. When they finally did, I heard a cry that was full of gurgle and not clear at all…but in that moment, I was filled with joy and peace! All fear was gone. It was as if her birth brought back the joy that had been taken from me with the past two years of losing Eden and Addy! Dr. Nabulsi quickly showed me a very blue little face and rushed off to the nursery. I didn’t really get to see her, but knew from the color, she needed to get to the nursery so just kissed what skin I could see and told them to go.
As I have shared this story over the years, I am always quick to point out that no child can replace another. Ava in no way “replaced” Eden or Addy. I still ache from time to time to hold Eden in my arms and wonder if God’s plan will someday include her living in our home as a physical part of our family (for she will always be my daughter whether I ever lay eyes on her again or not!) And Addy’s life was snuffed out way too quickly…yet I see the impact her life had on so many through Addy’s Hope. So while Ava could not replace them, she represented something priceless from a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I could ever love any of these girls or ever even comprehend! Ava was a promise that life would go on! I would not die from a broken heart. Her first cry brought a promise that joy would return and life would be full and abundant again! Even through the next 36 hours that required her to be under oxygen, I had no doubts. The moment she breathed her first breath of air on this earth, God touched me in a way He hadn’t before. I can’t say that my trust had been fully restored, as I still struggle through that with Him, but I knew He loved me and had not forgotten me as I had so often wondered over the past years!
Every time I look at Ava’s sweet smile, I am reminded that God knew when He ordered her to be knit in my womb that I would need her as a reminder over the next year that God loves me and intends for life to continue after heartache and devastation! She is a reminder that God holds the future in His hands and has perfect plans that I can never imagine!
So today, my precious Ava, I celebrate your life! A life that has taught me to love deeper and trust fuller! Happy Birthday, Baby A! Mommy loves you!

The Journey

Well, this Journey seems to have taken the fast track!

My parents' church has a wonderful homeless ministry. One of the young ladies coming to this ministry had a baby in December. Mom has told me about her several times. Well, last week Mom told me CPS had taken her baby. My heart broke! I am not bashing our CPS here, but we all know the system has some issues. There are WONDERFUL foster homes...many of my foster home friends read this blog...I am so thankful for Christians who are stepping up and saying we will do this because these children need good, loving Christian homes to love them even for the short time they are with us. But we also know there are not so good homes out there. And unfortunately at this time, I think the bad ones outnumber the good ones. Anytime I hear of a child entering CPS, I wonder, "Is this precious one in one of those good home, or are they being more damaged where they are now than where they came from?"

God put a burden in my heart...not for just the baby, but for the mother. So I called the lady at Mom and Dad's church who has been working with the mom. As we talked, I was amazed at how similar her story is to Noah's birth mom! I felt immediately connected to her! I told Sandra that I would be happy to talk to the birth mom (I'll just call her Sally to protect her identity) if she wanted me to. I explained that we were in the process of being licensed foster parents and would be willing to care for the baby to make sure she was in a safe, loving, Christian home. Sally is no where near talking adoption. She wants nothing to do with adoption. I assured Sandra that we were open to caring for Sally's baby as long as we needed to....even after she left CPS care if that is what Sally needed without pushing for adoption. I pray that if Sally doesn't change her lifestyle she will eventually trust us or some family enough to place the baby in that home permanently in adoption, but pushing for that is not going to make Sally consider it! Sally has 4 other children who do not live with her, but I believe there is always hope for change. Maybe this baby is the one that will give her the motivation she needs to turn things around.

I don't think I am any different than the many other people who have tried to help Sally. But I knew that God was writing John and I into this story for some reason. God seems to ALWAYS take us through personally what he is taking the agency through. With us in the process of developing a domestic program with the intention of working with CPS to get kids into permanent homes, I figure this is just our personal journey to give us the insight of what parents go through. This way we can serve them in a more personally way having been down the path ourselves. It is also giving me a good taste of what working with birth mothers will mean. I LOVE it! Even though I received 20 texts yesterday :), I LOVE it! I love speaking life into a life that seems hopeless! I love looking at a girl who thinks she has nothing to offer and telling her that she is making her own choices and the outcome of those choices are pretty clear cut. Sally has a victim mentality, but that can be overcome too! It will just take a lot of encouragement and truth...and her choosing to overcome it. But what a blessing to be part of the process!

So let me back up! I talked to Sandra on Tuesday. Sandra said that Sally would probably be coming to the service they hold for that ministry on Thursday night. I gave Sandra my cell number and told her to have Sally call me, or if she wanted me to, I could come to the church that night and talk to her face to face.

John and I talked. We felt God was definitely saying to walk forward and trust Him with whatever happened or didn't happen. So for the first time one of these types of things comes into our lives with a child, I didn't get derailed and consumed! A sure sign of growth! I went about the little things in life that needed to be done instead of focusing on the "BIG" thing that might not even happened! It was a productive week! :)

My wonderful parents had already planned to come over Thursday night to watch my three youngest while I went to Zumba and took Callie to her praise team rehearsal at church. I have been amazed at all the "little" details God has worked out already in this process!! Truly amazing! I don't want to miss a single one as each of them is a little whisper of God saying, "I am totally into details! See that! See this! I care!" And that spills over into ALL areas of my life! So I was headed to Zumba as I was not counting on a phone call at all...just open! I had just gotten out of the car when the phone call came. So I told Callie I had to leave and why. After the screaming an dancing :), she jumped back into the car. I promptly told her she was not invited, I had to talk to the mom alone, and she had a rehearsal to go to. Now let me share another detail...on the way to the church, the parent of Callie's friend who does the praise team with her had called and offered to bring Callie home! All details were taken care of for me to go minister to this young lady as long as I needed to! Thank you, Jesus!

I went and met with Sally. She immediately put a piece of paper in front of me. I asked what it was and it was the form from CPS for her to write down potential placement/support people. So I filled it in and we spent the next 45 minutes talking about what she needed to do in order to get baby girl back! The first thing is a job! So we talked about how to do that, etc. There were lots of excuses and some untruths I found out the next day, but that is all this poor girl knows. As I learned with Noah's birth mom, only by the grace of God did I know grow up just like them without the advantages I had in a wonderful, middle class, Christian home with loving parents! I could just have easily grown up with a druggie mom and abusive dad and lived from apartment to apartment and even in a car sometimes. There is no room for judgement! Only love and truth. I prayed on the way to the church that God would give me HIS eyes to see her and His words to say to her.

By the time I left, she had given me her social worker's phone number and asked me to call her. I did Friday morning. And another miracle, SHE ANSWERED! These poor people are so overworked, they rarely have time to answer a call! But she did! She wasn't sure what to do with me I am sure...calling on behalf of the mom, but supportive of the system...I'm sure that was a first for her! :) I explained our situation and being verified, etc. We hung up...oh, did I mention John is in Austin this whole week when all this is going on?! God's timing is so hilarious sometimes! Within 15 minutes, the social worker called me back and asked for our information to run the background checks and told us to be at court Tuesday at 2:30. She is going to recommend us as the placement for the baby. Not sure that has soaked in even now! And it is totally up to the judge, so there is no guarantee that we will get her. But that will be her recommendation!

In the course of my conversations with Sally and the social worker, we finally set up a visit with Sally and baby girl for Monday that I have to take Sally to because she doesn't have transportation.

I love that I get to minister to the mom! I'm nervous about what that will mean if we do get the baby and how that will all play out. I have done several "what if's" and God quickly reminded me He is big enough to handle ALL of those! I am praying for a heart for Sally even after baby girl is in my home! I am praying for a heart that can love a baby like my own that I know may not stay. I'm nervous about child number 5! But I was nervous about child number 3 and 4 also, and now I can't imagine life without them! I have come to LOVE having a large family! I love what it does to my kids....they don't always get my undivided attention, I am having to tell them no to some wants, but that is real life! And I see it transforming them into at least somewhat less selfish people!

We are not setting up the baby bed. We are not buying pink (VERY hard!). But we are preparing the kids and our hearts to love a 2 month old bi-racial precious baby should God chose to put her in our home on Tuesday.

Pray for us if we come to mind, would ya? Pray for "Sally" and baby girl! Pray that God's will be done in all of us! I can't even pray that God would place baby girl in our home because I don't know for sure that is what our role is in this story! I love that I am in that place! In the past, I would be so consumed with the thought of getting to have another baby that it would cloud the rest of my thinking, but I can honestly say that I have NO AGENDA here but GOD'S! And that my friends is a heart transformed! I love my God!!!!

A Crisis of Faith: Part One

The Christian cliche for where I am right now is a "crisis of faith". I am a visual person. I have tried in my very limited artistic ability to sketch out what my mind's eye sees right now. It started out as a "Y" in the road, but as I prayed and studied, the Y became a straight line because the two paths I can take are 180 degrees apart!

I have been trying to memorize scripture (always been a challenge for my no memory self!) that relates to the work I do..in adoptions, but also as a Christian. I want specific words from the Bible ready in my mind for the Holy Spirit to bring forth during times just like this! I want the Sword ready for battle in my mind and heart! So one of the versus I have been memorizing and reflecting on a great deal is Romans 8:5-8. "For those who are according the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

I have been in a struggle for several months now. It has been a roller coaster. Some I have spoken of on here, some I have not. One reason I haven't blogged a lot lately is that I don't have clear thoughts. Everything is muddled and cloudy. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is happening in most areas of my life right now. I can't reconcile all that has occurred with the outcomes I see.

But even through the cloudiness of my mind, the picture of the two roads is clear. One road is flesh, the other is Spirit.

I have several major choices in front of me right now that I have been contemplating. I won't go into the details of them because they are too private for such a public forum. But the choices are clear. I can walk according to God's will (Spirit) or I can walk away from God's will (flesh). I am sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30), so I am not talking about walking away from my salvation here. No matter what road I choose to walk, God will walk with me. No matter which I choose, I will be in heaven at the end (I just don't believe in the gospel that says this is our goal!). However, that same verse (Eph 4:30) that says I am sealed also instructs me not to grieve the Holy Spirit. Taking the flesh path would not only grieve the Holy Spirit, but it would also take me outside of God's covering, His promises. All through Scripture, God gives us promises. However, you can find with most of those promises if you take them in context (and not pull them out as so many love to do) that a condition of those promises is that you are walking "upright" or walking in accordance with His commands. When we chose to deviate from His commands, we leave the protection of those promises. We are saved for eternity from our sin, but we are not saved from the consequences of our sin. When we choose the path of flesh, there are consequences that will be ours.

This brings me back to the place I stand. There will be consequences. But the truth is there will be consequences to taking the path that is Spirit, also! Just as Jesus disciples when He asked them to pray, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

And this brings me to my biggest struggle of all!

I think of the scripture that speaks of the great cloud of witnesses. I don't mean to sound cynical, but in the American church, I just don't find a great cloud of witnesses. I can count on both hands the number of people I know personally and intimatly who I see within them a commitment to God and the path that is Spirit that I want to emulate. And those who I do want to emulate are very busy people with the work of God! They have little to no time to mentor people like me who want to emulate them. I don't say this as a put down to these people, I say it as a reality of the fast pace life we live here in America!

So I find myself at this crossroads alone. No counsel available from those whose counsel I would consider righteous and wise, yet TONS of counsel from those who view status quot as God's best and think the path that I believe is Spirit is outrageous and even ludicrous! As I have matured in my walk with Christ...especially over the past 12 years, I have come to learn that the outrageous is probably the God way! We have all heard that saying if it is possible by me alone, than there is no room for God to work a miracle. I believe that to be very true! But the other thing I hear all the time is how hard the Spirit path would be. How I need to look out for my children, etc. So how would these people counsel Abraham who put Isaac on an alter and raised a knife to kill him before God provided the ram? No worries, I am not tying any of my children down right now to sacrifice them! But I just wonder how modern American Christians read the stories of the Bible and yet give the counsel that they do, or criticize John and my desire to live a life sold out to Christ in the area that we know is God's purpose for us. Those who have known me very long know that I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! She talks continuously about our destiny. God has a destiny for us, but it is our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it! It is the difference between just finishing the race, squeaking by with my fire insurance in tact and standing before my Creator, my Savior on judgement day and hearing, "Well done my Faithful daughter!"

When I put it that way, the choice seems so easy! Who wouldn't want to stand before God and hear those words???? The problem is between where I stand now and d-day are many days on this earth with the words of well meaning Christians mixed with the voice of the enemy in my mind. The enemy wants so badly for me to take that path of flesh! He is so good at providing really good "evidence" for why I should choose that path. I deserve to be happy. Even if I walk away from God's will, at least it will just be my choices I suffer the consequence of and not the consequence of other's choices that I have to suffer in walking the path God has led me down for some time now. (That was clear as mud, huh?!...maybe later I can try to explain what that sentence meant!) God couldn't possibly want my life to be any harder than it already is...after all, so many people already tell me I do too much and my kids suffer. I can even find some scripture to support those lies...if I take them out of their context in scripture.

Add to that all the "theologies" that I have been taught over the years. I have had the privilege in the many moves we have made as well as the vast people I am blessed to know to be exposed to just about every Christian theology known to man in the 21st Century! It has stretched me and grown me over the past few years! It really amazes me how many versions of "the truth" there is all based on one Book! Many of the differences in these theologies I don't believe are worth debating as they don't have eternal significance....like should we raise our hands in worship or not. On the other hand, there are some very significant differences that I believe can make a HUGE impact in how you run the race here on this earth....like can you fall from grace? And does God intend for us to be happy or holy? And if something is hard does that mean it can't be from God?

As I have pondered which way to turn at my crossroads, many of the snippets from these different theologies have crossed my mind. I believe many of these things have been used by the enemy to confuse my thoughts! I believe he has used many of the things that I have been told are truth from so many of these theologies to allow me to justify the path that is flesh!

Now let me explain "justify". John can tell you as I have wrestled with this, I have said all along that I know turning and walking down the path that is flesh is not God's will! I know that it would be flesh and not spirit! I know that in many ways it would lead to death...Romans 8 is clear about that. However, the truths from these theologies really had my normally black and white brain in quite a gray dilemma.

The past four days have been some of the hardest of my life. Never before in my adult life have I been so unclear on what I needed to do or what direction I should take! It was a new feeling for me...one I didn't like and hope to never experience again!

Even in my foggy state, I always know that The Truth is in the Word. I seek that every morning in a time with God. Hadn't been getting a whole lot of clarity, so I picked up the ipod and took it on my walk with me yesterday morning. Already playing somehow when I put the headphones in was a podcast I had downloaded (and I think already listened to but didn't speak to me then like it did this time!) of Beth Moore called "No Longer Tossed". She spoke on just about all the areas I have just mentioned. She gave scriptures to support her arguments!

One of the things that I had spewed in my wrestling was that so many Christians get away with just status quot..or even the wrong path! Why should I take the hard road when I could live like them? Joy has been hard to come by the past couple of years for me. Yes, I know that is part of my immaturity. I know that is part of what God is doing in me right now...teaching me joy and contentment no matter my circumstances just as He did Paul! But I see people who truly seem to be happy, content and successful by American Christian standards as well as worldly standards that really walk a road of status quot. I have always pushed the envelope for walking a life sold out to Christ...status quo has never been ok for me. But as I have wrestled the past few days/weeks with some important decisions on directions for my life, status quo sounded really good!

Beth said in her pod cast that she doesn't know how so many Christians get away with the way they live....God doesn't leave her alone when she tries status quo! AMEN, SISTER!!!! She also spoke of how American churches are FILLED with Spiritual infants! She goes on to talk about how many leaders intentionally keep them that way...that will be addressed through my experience in a post to come...stay tuned....but as she spoke these things, she talked about how the scripture says in the last days deceptive spirits will teach leaders and Christians. The fog lifted! Praise the Lord!!!! Tears poured down my cheeks as I walked (good thing no one was outside at the time or they would have probably called the cops to come get the crazy lady walking down their street!)! I was undone! I immediately began praying with all my being that God would not allow me to be led astray by deceptive spirits! The choice was clear! The ONLY path to take was the Spirit path! I had allowed the enemy to sneak in and he was about to steal, kill and destroy me and my family along with me! Beth went on to talk about how straight spiritual warfare is cut and dry, but deception is a curve ball! It mixes enough truth with lies that you are not sure if it is truth 0r a lie! Words could not have described better where I was! A doctrine that had been spoken to me just a few weeks ago said that I could just quit and God would take me from this earth. I would love nothing more than to go to heaven NOW! I'm ready! That doctrine encouraged me to give up on all God has called me to do and just tell Him I am finished...take me! I would walk the path of flesh, away from Spirit because I just can't handle the battle anymore. So Jesus would just kill me...take me from this earth! But that is a deceptive Spirit. All was clear again!

Well, maybe not "all"! I still struggle with some of God's promises that I feel have failed as I have walked the Spirit path over the last 12 years. There are many things (like Addy's death, Eden's failed adoption, losing our first baby to a miscarriage, a one year halt on Liberian adoptions, etc) that don't appear in my human eyes to have upheld God's promises. But I also know that God's ways are not my ways! I know that many things He has told me, like it will get worse before it gets better, are coming to pass....and it could just be for me to give up on those promises now and take the flesh path would mean that I quit right before I saw the promise fulfilled! Going back to Abraham...he and Sarah took matters into their own hands to fulfill God's promise of a child because they got tired of waiting and we still see the effects of that in the world today! The Israelites had to wait FORTY YEARS to see their promise fulfilled! My microwave view of faith could have just cost me the opportunity to see the miracles I have been praying for over the past 12 years! But in my clarity now, I know that God will be faithful to those promises! I hope and pray I am not like the faithful in Hebrews 11 who "died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a diestance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." I pray I get to actually see some of these promises fulfilled and be encouraged by them. But if not, I still owe the One who sent His Son to this earth for me my life! I still owe Him who suffered ridicule even though He lived a perfect life my life! As a sermom recently preached by Stever Murrell at our church said, looking at it from that perspective, walking the Spirit path with no promise of ANY reward is not a radical but simply a reasonable response!

I also know that as I stand at this crisis of faith, the enemy would like nothing more than for me to take a turn to the left, take the flesh path, away from God's will, away from God's promises so that I would possibly forever doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. I would be walking away from my destiny...possibly forever in this life! It would ruin all the plans that God has for my family and for what He has called me to in orphan care. I was willing to accept that. That my friends is a scary thought! Especially now that with a clear mind I think of ALL the Christians my stupid decision would effect! What if someone is watching me to see if I take the flesh or Spirit road and uses my decision to determine what road they should take as I have used the decision of others before me to determine which road I would take? I would be held accountable for my part in their decision! We don't think nearly enough about how our decisions effect all those around us who consider us their great cloud of witnesses! Whoever you are, no matter how young in your faith or how mature, you have someone watching you to see how you handle life! They are watching you to see what faith meets reality really looks like!

What picture are you giving them?

To be continued.....

In Good Company!

When it comes to attacks and hardships, any of us experienceing conflict because of our beliefs or taking a stand...we are in good company! Listen to this!

"I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. 27I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?" ~2 Corinthians 11:23b-29

And then my favorite part. Paul is sharing about the thorn in his flesh that keeps him humble. I never really realized that is the context with which he then states: "8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Hallelujah! As Beth Moore's daughter, Melissa, said in one of Beth's recent podcasts, "Bring it on! Bring it on!" The fire will bring refining! Through the insults, hardtimes and difficulties, Christ's power will dwell in me!

Oh how I love my God, my Heavenly Daddy who takes me straight to a scripture like this at 4 in the morning after the week I have had full of so many conflicts! His word is alive and active! He loves me so much that He brought me right to the scripture that He knew would remind me why the fires come....He is completing my perfection until the day of Christ's coming! Is it hard? YES! Do I whine a lot? YES! But do I love that my God is working on me? YES!!!!!

Refine me Lord! The fire is hot, and I am excited! For when I walk out on the other side, I will look more like You than I do today and that is what will bring You glory...my whole purpose for being on this earth! Praise You!

And now, I am going to try and get some sleep! Good night! ;0)

A Vessel for the Smith

I think I found the scripture that sums up my really long post about being undone and redone:

Proverbs 25:14 ~ "Take away the dross from the sliver, and there comes out a vessel for the smith."

God, thank you for removing the built up dross from my heart and soul! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how many times you have to tell me or teach me! Thank you for promising to complete the work you stated in me until the day Jesus returns! Thank you that you will continue to remove even more dross from my gunked up heart and soul in the days and years to come...even during the times I plead with you to stop...because You know what is best for me and only You know what the future holds! I thank you for this process Lord because my one desire in this life is to be a vessel for you, the Smith! Form me and make me into what you need me to be for Your work! ~Amen