The "Daily" of Discipleship

I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that.  I am sure it’s a really good post, a really good concept.  But I haven’t had time to finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for the past few weeks.

Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post today either.  I am going to be really honest right here.  I wish I could turn back.  I wish I could go back to my American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children and the need for more to speak up.  I wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children.  I wish if I was going to have to work at something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.

On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and on fire.  In a week when I have now heard two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds.  But can none of that is happening tonight as I crawl in my bed.

 

Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which really matter right now.  So what now? Do I really quit?  Do I really give up?  Do I stop just before the victory? Can I really do this another day?

The answer is Yes, I can.  And the answer is, Yes, I will.  God promises His mercies are new every morning.  In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I am able to finally close my eyes at night.  Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable.  It means denying myself! It means taking up my cross... DAILY!

I did that today.  Did I do it with joy?  No, I can’t say that I did.  But that DAILY means that I had a choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls, inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I will have the same choice.

So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled with the cross I am carrying.  But if even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now.  But just like Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less, not my will but Yours be done!” 

**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :) 

Number 8

I really should be working, but this blog post has been trying to come out for a week now.  Just haven't sat down to get it out...then friends post things like this:

As I came to the blog to type this, I saw my last post titled "Saying Yes"...well, there is a theme God seems to have me on...one I really thought I had gotten down...thought we had circled this mountain enough times I had learned my lesson...seven started adoptions, an adoption agency from the ground up, an orphanage in Liberia, an adoption ministry in Liberia, now a domestic program for waiting children, mom to seven, new church...haven't  I learned to say yes? Haven't I learned to let God be God..Lord of my life? As long as there is any area unsurrendered to Him, then the answer is: No!

Ugh! Really, God?! Haven't I said yes to enough? I mean look at Sally Sue over there, she __________ (fill in the blank with whatever you think is "enough")! Ask her to do something why don't you?  So for those of you who thought I had all this maturity, now you see the real me! :)

This has been just a few of my thoughts over the past few days as God has taken me back to a Sunday morning when Journey was just two weeks old.  I was teaching an adoption class at our church and through a speaker on a video we were watching, God told me there was another one.  Yes, another child.  I went home and wrote it in my journal.  I didn't tell anyone...not even John for weeks!  This would for sure get me committed to the loony bin! He gave me what I believe are some outlines of who number 8 is.  But as soon as He dropped the thought into my mind that we weren't done, I went to bargaining with Him!  I love babies!  So if we have to adopt again (yes, I meant "have to"...remember my attitude is the whole point of this post!), then I want a baby.  I want to bond or attach or whatever the professionals want to call it with this baby from the beginning!  I want to watch her grow up and protect her from whatever I couldn't have protected her from before she got to me even at a young age that caused her to need me to begin with!  And since I am not getting any older, God, would you please send her now?! Except I don't really think I can handle a baby now, so maybe wait a year or so, but if you wait a year or so, then I am starting over again, and I am really ready to be done with bottles and diapers.  So if we have to wait then maybe she should be older and maybe in about 10 years when I have recovered from the past two years?! Maybe send her now but make her the same age as Journey.  Oh, yes, that would give me THREE toddlers, maybe I didn't mean that! Ok, well you can send me a baby or maybe a toddler...or maybe not, but if you are serious about this, something has to give! I need a housekeeper at least.  My floors will never be swept again with just one more child.  Or how will I feed her or clothe her or have the brain power to listen to her lovely stories about nothing like little girls love to tell?  Better yet, God why don't I just tell you, I. Am. Done!

Silence

God?

Then finally...

You call me God.  You cry out to me as Lord, but you tell me what you will do or not do when I tell you there is more? You give conditions to what you will accept as my call on your life despite the fact you know adoption is the reason I created you for this time here on earth? You can not call me LORD if there is even one area of your life that is not surrendered whole hearted to me...all of it!

Matthew 7:21 says it this way: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven."  I am not saying that my salvation is hinged on if I agree to adopt child number 8 or not, but it definitely says that simply calling Him Lord, doesn't make him Lord of my life!  Surrender makes Him Lord of your life!

I have said many times recently as I come out of the fog of the past two years that I know God added the last three children quickly because if I had time to really contemplate how hard things were between any of them, I might not have said yes to all of them.  I don't mean the children are hard, I mean life has been hard....learning how to juggle that many children, those mounds of laundry, finances for a family of 8, and on and on.  I feel as if I am just now getting my head above the water I was drowning in to breath! And now God, you would ask me to add another one?

I am reminded of Jesus in the garden when He prayed and asked that this cup pass from Him.  If Jesus who was fully man but also fully God asked for His entire reason for leaving heaven to come to earth to be taken away, I think God understands when I wrestle a bit through the things He may be asking me to do....but in the end of the wrestling, I have to be willing to say as Jesus did, "nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will!" (Matthew 26:39). I finally got to that place in worship this week!  Lord, I have no idea how I would do that! I have no idea where another baby would fit into our lives, but I refuse to live my life with any area unsurrendered to you!  Radical obedience is my desire for 2013...even if that includes number 8!

There may really never be a number 8, I am sure not actively pursuing that right now (Mom, if you are reading this, you can breath again!).  Perhaps God is asking me to put my Isaac on the alter and will provide a ram instead of me sacrificing my "son" as He did for Abraham. (Genesis 22).  I don't know for sure.  But I do know anytime I have any area that I say to God...if this is the direction you are taking me, the answer is no, then I have an area that is unsurrendered! And as long as I have breath, I am determined to live completely and totally surrendered to the One to Whom I owe my life!

I am one of "THEM"!

I haven't been much of a blogger lately.  It has not been for lack of material to blog, just lack of time to blog it.  But I am hoping to change that.

The last two years have been quite the season.  I don't think I would go so far as to call it a dark night of the soul, but to say it has been a season of pruning and stretching doesn't quite pay homage to the depth of work God has done in my life.  I hope you will see in the posts to come that God has radically change my life through the course of these past 18-24 months.

This quote by Bill Johnson in When Heaven Invades Earth probably best sums up my journey: "It's important to understand God's promise and purpose for the Church so that we might become dissatisfied - so that we will become desperate. Intercession from insatiable hunger moves the heart of God as nothing else can." Over the past 15 years, God has taken me to places that I was quite sure I was at the end of myself.  However, if those places were the end of myself, then this past season left myself in the dust and took me to the end of a place I didn't even know existed!  But in that place I became desperate for God in a way I have never been.  And God was true to His word: when we seek Him we will find Him!

So often in this past season I found myself desperately clinging to the promises of the Bible while trying to line up my circumstances and reality with what the scriptures said.  To put it bluntly, they didn't mesh!  So my search began for why they didn't!  What I found has changed me forever.  What I found showed me that while I survived this season, I lived most days in defeat with bloody wounds where I had allowed the enemy access he should have never had.  I did the best I could with that I knew then.  I have some regrets, but I have no condemnation or "I shoulda's" because I truly lived this season on my face begging for wisdom, direction, mercy and grace.  There are a few things I can look back on and wish I had handled a different way, but I also remember the despair and weariness of those times....words that demonstrate even more the defeat I lived in many days.

I am walking out of this season with revelations about God - not head knowledge about who God is said to be, but heart experience about who He is to me!  There is a difference!  We have a new kitchen which is a blog post for another time...part of that remodel is an amazing pantry, and on that pantry floor is Psalm:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I don't know that I purposely set out to "taste" in this season, but walking out of it, I can testify that I have tasted, and indeed the Lord is good!   Yes, my family was turned upside down and inside out.  Yes, my ministry and calling on my life has been tested and attacked.  Yes, I have a daughter who is not a part of my life right now.  Yes, I have a grand baby who has no idea who MiMi is.  Yes, I have another grand baby coming into this world in June who I may or may not get to hold in my arms.  Yes, my identity has been turned upside down as defined by stay-at-home mom.  But there is not a path that I have walked the past months that I would not walk again.  Could I head down some of the paths if I knew what they would hold, no.  That is why it's called faith! If it was sight, I would surely have turned around or fainted from fear at what was coming up.  Do I wish some of the paths had taken different turns, absolutely!  But the paths on this journey have brought me to a place of desperation for intimacy with God like no other time in my life.  And for that, I am eternally thankful!

It will take awhile for me to get it all out here, but I will write as God leads.  It's part of my instruction for 2013 - share what God has taught me and walk in obedience!  But what you  need to know about me is now I am one of "them"!  I have been radically touched by a living God.  I have experienced His presence like never before in my life...and once you have experienced Him, there is no turning back!  Holy Roller, Charismatic, Jesus Freak, Radical, Weird, Over the top, what ever the title used to describe one who is totally and completely sold out to Jesus with no box to keep Him in and only the expectation of new revelation and a desire to bring honor and glory to God like never before, well that's me.  We have a saying at our house right now, "The weirder, the better!" - not for "weird" sake, but for the purpose of experiencing God in life changing ways that allow us to then touch others in life changing ways.  

Before you right me off and quit reading because I have left theology for "feelings", let me leave you with a couple of thoughts that when put together should challenge any American Christian - "Unless I do the works of the Father, do not believe me." John 10:37 NKJV And in the words of Bill Johnson, "Jesus gave people the right to disbelieve it all if there was no demonstration of power upon His ministry.  I hunger for the day when the Church will make the same statement to the world. If we're not doing the miracles that Jesus did, you don't have to believe us." And before you discount him, let me leave you with this final word - "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12

Challenge: based on this standard, who would believe you?  And if you are not using this standard, why not?  

Check back!  Let me share where I was....it was a long trip to this place!  Don't discount it yet.  Hear me out.  All of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior have the authority and power to walk each day in victory here on earth....we don't have to wait until we die and go to heave...Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! And that's my prayer for each of you!

More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

Picking It Back Up

Yesterday was not one of my better days. We have had a lot of sickness around our house, me included, and you know how everything looks worse when you are sick! I was talking to some friends earlier this weekend and telling them how my life right now truly requires me to sit at the feet of Jesus to gain perspective and strength or I become overwhelmed. And some days I have to do that two and three times a day just to keep going. Not a bad place to be...unless you go a couple of days without sitting at His feet!

Yesterday was the culmination of several days of not sitting at His feet to hear His voice and gain His perspective of all the plates I must keep spinning right now. Before I went to bed last night, I knew God wanted me alone with Him. Those times are always so sweet and refreshing, and last night was no different. Even in His discipline and correction, I feel His love for me.

He took me to John 10 last night. I love it when He takes me to a familiar passage and then shows me something I have never seen or speaks to me in a fresh way! Verses 17 and 18 say, "For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative. I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again. This commandment I received from My Father." As I read that, God brought back to mind some words that I had spoken to John yesterday afternoon in a fit of frustration, and God whispered, "You picked it up again". Ouch! He was right! I had spoken words that meant I had the right and the authority to be comfortable in life. I didn't want the challenges anymore. I just wanted to be able to breath for a second.

I thought about Jesus' words in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. I don't pretend to be anywhere near the place Jesus was, but I did realize He knows where I am. He once asked that the cup He was being asked to drink from be removed. And that is where I was yesterday. I wanted a lot of what was on my plate to be removed. I was overwhelmed. I had cried out just as Jesus did....except I hadn't followed it with "but never the less, not my will, but YOURS be done!"

After reading John 10, I made a conscious decision to lay my life back down. I recommitted all I am doing to God and agreed with Him that I would walk whatever path He has for me trusting Him to supply all my needs....not just monetary but emotional and spiritual and physical as well.

How about you? Have you picked it back up again? If Jesus could lay His life down and go to the cross for us, is there really anything we can look Him square in the face and say we will not do? If there is even one thing you would do that with, then you have taken your life back up....and you need to lay it down again! God is a gentleman. He will not force us to lay down our life. "No one has taken it from me, but I lay it down on My own initiative." God is asking us to lay down our lives. And He asks because He has a plan that is bigger and better than anything we could ever hope or imagine for ourselves and our families! Last night, God asked me if I would lay it down again...of my own initiative because He has a hope and a future for me that is GOOD! I want ALL God has for me, don't you? Let's lay it all back down! Will you join me?

My Rights

"Never discard a conviction. If it is important enough for the Spirit of God to have brought it to your mind, it is that thing He is detecting. You were looking for a great thing to give up. God is telling you of some tiny thing; but at the back of it there lies the central citadel of obstinacy; I will not give up my right to myself - the thing God intends you to give up if ever you are going to be a disciple of Jesus Christ." ~Oswald Chambers

I am finding more and more that my "rights" are getting in the way of what God is calling me to do. We Amercians have a real problem with our "rights" when it comes to our Christian walk. We are kind of born feeling entitled just because we are Americans and that is what Americans are..entitled. In the political realm that is a good thing. It makes us fight for what we feel is important to our way of live...freedom. But in the Christian walk, it is deadly.

It has been a rough week at our house. So many obstacles. After one too many screams yesterday, I had to walk out the door and go for a little walk...John took over for me in my absence. I cried out to God on that walk that He would deliver me from my circumstances. I was overwhelmed. But what I was really asking Him for was to have my "normal" life back. Times like yesterday I really want to go back to the American dream of 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. On good days, I realize I have gone above and beyond that dream with my 7 kids. But on bad days, it feels like those 4.5 extra kids will send me to an early if not immediate grave.

Those are the times I take my eyes of the One who has blessed me with these children and this life. It is hard. It is overwhelming most days right now. But He has called me. He has asked me to take up my cross and follow Him...every day. He has promised when I do that, He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will not give me more than I can handle IN HIM!

I read the quote I started with this morning in my devotion and it made me reflect on yesterday in a different light. I did not "discard a conviction" - I had once again taken up my "rights" to what I thought my life should look like.

God brought this to my attention in a big way a couple of weeks ago. Older children in CPS care have to sign a paper that states they understand their "rights". I know whey they do it...it is a protection against adults coming in and taking what should be the child's or bullying them into giving them something they shouldn't. But when that child then becomes a member of a family, the "rights" mentality is still there. And in a family, that doesn't work very well.

We were discussing this with Paizley over a certain issue. She was asking some questions, and John made a profound statement. He said, "When you came into this family, you lost all your rights as an individual. Now you are part of the family and the only right you have is to belong." Immediately I heard the Holy Spirit say, "And so it is in My family!" You see, when I accepted Christ as not only my Savior, by my Lord also, I laid down all my rights! I don't have a right to anything anymore....accept to belong! John went on to tell Paizley that belonging to a family has great advantages over being alone. You have the protection of a roof over your head, a place at a table to eat, the love of a family who only wants what is best for you.....and again the Holy Spirit, "And so it is with My family!" We don't have any "rights" as a follower of Christ, but we have so many blessings! We are heir to an entire kingdom! We are promised peace beyond what the human brain can comprehend (and this week that alone is reason to belong!!!!), a powerful King to always go to battle for us, a Savior who sits at the Right Hand of God Almighty and intercedes for us day and night.

When I look at it from that perspective, I will gladly lay down any "right" I have to an American dream and take hold of the blessings that are mine as a member of God's family....a daughter of the King of Kings!

This Far

There seems to be a theme in my life, well I guess it should always be a them, so maybe a better thing to say is that God seems to be trying to teach me a truth about life in Him! I have said before that I know if I can do life on my own, I will. I hate that about my flesh, but I have seen me do it too many times to not recognize it.

People have asked so many times (and I have blogged about it previously) how I do what I do. It is ONLY through the power of Christ and the DAILY leaning on Him that I can parent six children, be wife to John and attempt to run a ministry. Anytime I get to a place that I feel like, "I can do this!", God says, "I know YOU can, so let's take another step of faith. I need you to TRUST ME, not do anything in your own strength!" John and I are at one of those places right now. I am not ready to make public the decision we are wrestling with, but let me just say that to me, it looks impossible! I have no idea how we would ever accomplish it without scarificing too much! I am usually the one initiating the crazy ideas and telling everyone, "WE CAN DO THIS!" This time, I am the one digging my heels in and saying, "No way!" I even uttered the words to John, "Even if God says we are to do ______, I think I will have to tell Him no." Dangerous place to be! Not one of my prouder moments! But I am scared! But God does not give us a Spirit of fear! So fear is not from Him. So when fear rears its head, I have to take it captive and make it obedient to God's word!

So what's the theme? It's what I am studying in my current Bible Study, Anointed, Transformed, and Redeemed. It is that God wants me to go so far that I have to say, I am only here because of God! I could never have gotten "here" without Him. And more importantly, other people will see the situation and say the same thing!

I go to church yesterday pretty well resolved that I am telling God, No! on this one. In case you have never tried to tell God No!, let me just tell you, He doesn't take NO! for an answer! During worship we sung one of my favorite songs, I don't know the title, but it starts out Jesus, the Most Beautiful Names of All Names...and then it goes to "Be Exalted". I am raising my hands and singing with my whole heart, "Be Exalted!" and the Holy Spirit says, "Do you mean it?!" Of course I do! I have no greater desire than to see God be exalted in my life and the life of my family! That is truly my motivation for why I do what I do! And immediately, the Spirit rebuked me and reminded me of my answer the night before. So I sat down and got out a piece of paper and wrote down, "God cannot be exalted unless we say yes to the things He asks us to do that takes us beyond ourselves. Anything I can do in my own strength is not exalting God but possibly myself." Then I wrote out how that applied directly to the situation that John and I have been praying about.

Well, little did I know that this was just the beginning! I knew the title of the sermon, but it went in a direction that I had not seen from the title! It was on redemption....but it was on how we, the Body of Christ are in the redemption business because God is in the redemption business. Pastor Daniel brought one of the best, and possibly THE best message I have heard as it applies to the Body of Christ and our responsibilities as such. One of the points was that redemption is costly. It cost God His Son! So why am I not willing to pay whatever price I need to redeem the situations or people around me? That is, after all, how the world will see Jesus in the Body!

John was out of town, so I was there with all the kids. I didn't have any responsibilities second service, so I found a place to sit and wrote out some thoughts on what we have been praying about. I said, YES! I am still battling fear. I have NO IDEA how this will work, but I know it will take God! There are still some things that need to happen in order for this thing to be a reality, but I know I will not stop the ball from rolling myself. If God doesn't want this thing to come to fruition, He will have to be the one to stop if. I am moving forward.

Even knowing that and having the revelation yesterday, I find myself this morning asking God for direction. I am sure He is slapping his head and saying, "Did I not give it to you yesterday?" Like I say to my kids so many times, "Were you not listening?!"

How many times does God give us answers, but because they are hard or maybe not what we want, we just keep asking for an answer? "That couldn't be you!" What do you REALLY want me to do here? Are we really willing to do what He says? That is the bottom line! Are we willing to pay the cost to see Him exalted and redeem those around us for the Kingdom? I want to be one who say, YES! to all of those!

Great Quote

"We are such wimps - really, we are. Living in a sophisticated developed country where life is full of comfort and conveniences has weakened our character and our resolve. We often look for the easy way out of challenging situations and even pride ourselves on doing the minimum required - just enough to get by. Discipline, sacrifice, cost - these are not popular concepts."
Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

What a difference a year makes....

One year ago today John and I boarded a plane for Liberia. We were going to pick up our son. That is what John and HollyAnn, the parents were doing. HollyAnn, the director of an agency, was also meeting three other families to bring their children home. Little did we know what we were entering!

One year later, I wish I could walk away from it all. I wish I could have rejoiced in getting Toben home and gone on to live our lives. I wish I could send a check on gotcha day to some organization that is working in Liberia, reflect on the miracles we saw to bring Toben home, stay in touch with a few adoptive parents, and live our lives...

But I am reminded daily that the above wishes are not possible. One year later, I am still fighting a government to be able to help its own people. I am being told by their own government officials to fight with all I have and "hit them where it hurts" because that is the only way they will listen. Oh God, what have you called me to....

Then I pick up books like Shela Walsh's Life is Tough But God is Faithful. And these are the lessons God is teaching me:

"There is something built into every human being that says, "I have rights!" When we read in Romans 12:1 that all Christians are "living sacrifices," it sounds so noble. We hold on to that wonderful thought without ever wondering what the implications might be. When Paul used the words living sacrifices, he meant something much different from the old system.

In the Old Testament, a lamb was not consulted as to how it felt about being offered as a sacrifice. It was simply slaughtered and laid on the altar to be consumed by the fire. But in the New Testament - the New Covenant - we are living sacrifices. the trouble is, a living sacrifice can crawl off the altar when it gets too hot. God could have preprogrammed us as robots who serve Him without choice, but instead He has given us the ability to choose.

The more I walk with the Lord, the more I understand that every day of my life, for the rest of my walk on this earth, I can choose t stay on the altar or to crawl away. When the heat is turned up, I can crawl off and say, "Well, this is not what I signed up for. I thought that this would make me feel good. I thought that all my prayers would be answered, but it seems as if God has turned a deaf ear to my cry."

"Turning Point: When the heat of problems and pain burns into our very souls, we can crawl away and hide when it gets too hot, or we can choose to be living sacrifices who stay on the altar for His sake."

I can choose to believe what it seems, or believe the truth that God never leaves us or forsakes us...I can choose to walk away from the call, climb off the alter, or I can remain even though the heat is hot. The world says I can come off the alter, live a "good" life, and I will still go to heaven. That is true. I have accepted Christ as my Savior..I am sealed with the Holy Spirit..nothing can take that away....I will go to heaven. But is heaven the goal? Or is glorifying God the goal? You know, in all honesty, there have been many days this past two weeks that I can say heaven would be just fine with me! I know I am sealed! Now lets have fun!!!! But I also know that the second I walk in disobedience, there will be a God given sorrow that will put a wedge in my relationship with Him. The first time I went through a major crisis of belief after I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, I knew that this closeness with God, this intimate relationship with Him, is what I want most out of life. So I look at that spiritual marker, that "stone of remembrance" and know I have to press on! Walking away, crawling off the altar is not a choice. I just ask that God will give me the sanity to make it through this crisis of belief and the wisdom to know what steps to take.

And I pray that next year, at least in this battle, it will be behind us, and we will be rejoicing in what God is doing in Liberia!

The smell of bacon....

is torcher on a Daniel fast! Oh my goodness! I am starving, but fruit just doesn't sound good! I need to find something to make that John and I can eat that is different from what we have been eating. We are almost half way through! I haven't cheated one time! It was only by God's strength that a piece of bacon didn't go in my mouth this morning! We fix big breakfasts on Saturday mornings, so I fixed, bacon, eggs and waffles for the kids. I will go choke down my oatmeal! :)

Really, though, it is good. It is good to rely on God for something silly like not putting a piece of bacon in my mouth! Then when something big, ummmm like parenting 7 children for a limited time, comes, I know I can trust Him there too!

Yes, you read that right, John and I will have 7 children for a little while...just a few weeks. We have a situation (can't share details for confidentiality reasons) where we need to take in three kids until legal documents can be finished for them to go to their home in Colorado! God has a great sense of humor, huh?! I don't even have a car that will hold just me and all the kids! Our van and Suburban only hold 7 (7+1=8) ha!ha!

But let me just say how proud I am of my hubby! Everyone knows when a child is in need, I will jump on it before I even think! That is just how I am wired! But John was the first one to say, "they can come here"! Thank you, John!

I am sure the next few weeks are not going to be easy, three new kids that will be going through a huge emotional crisis, my four that are always in emotional crisis (at least in their minds!), running the ministry which is about to explode (all good things right now!) and do life as usual! I just try not to think about it! God knew this was what tomorrow held for me, so as long as I am on my face, trusting Him, it will all work out! Crazy thing is that we already had beds for all three...not in the right rooms, but we have beds! We will have four boys and three girls, for the first time in this house, the boys will out number the girls! Oh my!

So say a prayer for us if you think of it! I may not be blogging much for the next few weeks...if I am absent you will know why! We will pick the kids up on Monday night!

A sad day

The meeting is over

We spoke the words God gave us

They were not received so well

We are at an impass

All they can offer is helping us with a board

They can help put us in touch with other para ministry people

We need more

Our ministry is not their responsibility

They will pace with people, but not ministry

They don't know what the church's role is in a member's life either

Our senior pastor didn't even bother to attend

Some lies were spoken

We were disappointed

We are sad

Our hearts are broken

We are with out a church home

We are seeking His face

We are excited to see what He has for us

But first we must grieve our loss

Five years of our life and almost all our relationships are there

But God will heal

God will provide

I am so thankful God is not man!!!

With much sorrow....

With much sorrow, I present my nails. Yes, they are fake! There is a post forming in my mind that will hopefully be published in the near future which will help explain, but for now I will leave it at, I thought I deserved them! Ouch! That hurt to write! I have been justifying why I can keep them. I won't go through the list of justifications as it will only increase my sorrow. (I use sorrow because of a teaching my Pastor does on sin that is phenominal..as Chrsitians, we are not guilty, but we have Godly sorrow for things we do that we shouldn't, for sin - don't crucify me here...I am not saying fake nails are a sin! I am saying when we put our desires before God's commands we are sinning....this is my conviction and I am not pushing it on anyone else, just sharing!)

What brought this on? Well, I started reading Red Letters by Tom Davis. I have heard much about it and have even added my blog to the Red Letters Campaign adoption blogs, but I haven't actually read the book, so I picked it up. I am devouring everything I can right now on walking closely with God, and everything I have read says this will change me forever. I am also reading The Shack. That is amazing as well! There is another reason I am reading Red Letters. There is a pretty good chance that I will be meeting the author of this book the first part of August. It would probably be best for me to have read his work before I have a conversation with him! :) There is another cool thing about Tom Davis's rightings that I will share another time. I swear if this world gets any smaller, I will no longer fit in it!

So I read a little tonight (or this morning..whatever you want to call 12:45 am!). He talks about hoarders, people who keep what they have "safe" for fear they will not have enough. John and I have never been hoarders, shoot, we can't even save the "Dave Ramsey Emergency Savings Amount", but we are not what I would consider generous people with our resources either. We have recently met a couple that has really challeneged us by their generosity and we are being convicted. As I read Tom's explanation of the usual "if you give up your Starbucks for one day you could...." analogy, I felt a pain go through my heart! That was the Holy Spirit hitting me right on target with His arrow! I don't buy Starbucks but once every other month or so, so that little analogy usually lets me wipe my brow and say, "whew! I am safe there! No conviction needed for that! We are doing the best we can...." Well, not this time! That little arrow had a note attached to it. It read, "For what you have spent on nails this month, you could have sponsored two children in your very own orphanage!" Yikes! So needles to say, the nails will be coming off! I can grow nails for free! Fake nails are silly for me! Ok, so growing nails requires not biting mine, which is a digusting habbit anyway, right, so what is the problem? Well, we'll leave that challenge for another day! For now I know that the two girls that God has laid on my hear to disciple every time I go to Liberia will be receiving monthly support instead of my fingers getting fake nails! I will live my faith in the hopes of ending poverty in at least two lives that I know I can impact for Christ! What a privelege to walk this life with Christ! Nails are silly, but the closer I get to him, the more all the sacrifices I have made seem silly in comparison to the knowledge of knowing Him more!