I have spent seven Mother's Days as an adoptive mom. I always thought of Noah's birthmom on those days, well those among others! She had her tubes tied right after Noah was born, so unless she has step children or the tubal didn't take, she does not have children to celebrate with on Mother's Day. I am always thankful for the gift she gave me in Noah. I am always thankful she chose life for him as she had already aborted three babies. I have nothing but the utmost respect for the woman who bore Noah. She had a hard life. She didn't know how to have what it took to raise a baby. I understand that. But since she is in America, I always knew that if she had decided to parent any of her children, she would have been given WIC and HUD housing. She had options.
This is not the same for Toben's mom. Probably the most common question in Toben's story is where are his parents. I have commented before that I find it ironic no one really asks that about Noah, but it is usually the first question when talking about Toben.
When I went back to Liberian in February and visited Toben's village, I was changed....forever! When Toben's mom threw down the container she was carrying on my head and ran into my arms, almost tackling me despite the fact that she is almost half my size, I was humbled in a way I had never known! She hadn't even seen pictures of Toben yet. She just responded that way to seeing me. She cried and danced, praising God! Then when she saw Toben's pictures, she started all over again! I was speachless! I just stood there smiling not even knowing what to say.
That encounter has totally changed me! It changes the way I look at Toben! I have never felt the need to "share" Noah...he is mine! But I feel differently with Toben. His mother didn't have ANY resources except to let him go. No government was going to help her raise her children. She saw an opportunity for her two boys (Toben has a bio brother adopted by a family in Dallas) to have a future she never had! When I came home, I hugged Toben for me AND for her! Now when I look at Toben, I see her face! He looks quite a bit like her! I feel a responsibility to her to make sure I love him all that I can and teach him the best I can and make sure he knows the Word. I never felt that, and honestly, still don't towards Noah's mom.
This Mother's Day, I went to a tea they had at Toben's school. They had all made gifts and they were wrapped by our placemats. As Toben unwrapped his, so excited for me to see it, I almost lost it! I had this overwhelming sorrow! This gift should be hers! She should be receiving this from Toben! It totally took me off guard! Like I said, I have never had these feelings toward Noah's mom - right or wrong, that is just how it is.
So this Mother's Day, I took time to pray for a young mother half way around the world who spends her days in a field trying to care for the two children who still live with her. Praying that she has peace and knows in her heart that her boys are loved and cared for! Praying that I will do good by her...that I will honor her decision by being the best mommy Toben could ever hope for!
There are days I fail miserably at that, I sure she would understand, but most days, I look in his face....her face....and know that I have a tremendous responsibility! And I can't wait to see her again and tell her all about all the things he has done! And I will forever be grateful that she allowed me the joy of being Toben's mom!
Showing posts with label Red Letters Campaign - adoption journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Red Letters Campaign - adoption journal. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
My Song
So this is my song right now:
Building 429 - Alway
I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, "He would've been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face"
What was I supposed to say, but
CHORUS
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always
He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside
He's barely holding onto faith
But deliverance is on its way, cause
CHORUS
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always
Friend, I don't know where you are and I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always,
He will be with you always
Then I would have to add a verse:
They send me notes and call my phone
Parents weary of the news and feeling all alone
Their hearts are broken and they just want their children home
But all I have to offer is my feeble attempt to explain that
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails.
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always
He will be with you always.
Building 429 - Alway
I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, "He would've been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face"
What was I supposed to say, but
CHORUS
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always
He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside
He's barely holding onto faith
But deliverance is on its way, cause
CHORUS
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always
Friend, I don't know where you are and I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always,
He will be with you always
Then I would have to add a verse:
They send me notes and call my phone
Parents weary of the news and feeling all alone
Their hearts are broken and they just want their children home
But all I have to offer is my feeble attempt to explain that
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails.
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always
He will be with you always.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Siiiiiiiigh......
More puke! Now John has it! I am sick of stomach viruses! Go away!
Let me just say that I know how selfish this sounds/is, but I say this is a transparent look at my life...so you get the good, the bad and the very ugly! I am so bummed that he is sick tonight! See I got an e-mail in my inbox today. Ever since I started pricing fences to get the pool fence, I have stopped looking at domestic situations and concentrated on the foster care issue.
Well, the e-mail I got was for an African American baby girl due in July here in Texas. It is a little higher than what I had wanted to do even in a domestic adoption, but I just keep thinking that no matter the cost, a child is worth it! I don't hesitate to pay that much for a car that will run out and eventually break down. The car will be ashes when the fire hits it, but the life of this child will be eternal! Read post below for simple explanation of that analogy!
John hates these e-mails! It really stretches him to think about having another child. There are days it does me too, but I love babies and children! John doesn't have that burning desire like me, so I appreciate that he is willing to pray and consider that perhaps God is calling us to this even thought he, John, would not choose this for us. However, talking about it is hard. For one thing, finding time when we can both sit down and talk with out interruption when we still have brain cells left (which we usually neither one do by bed time!) is so difficult. Well, tonight, the big kids are with John's parents. The little ones go to bed at 8, so we were planning to sit and talk about it tonight to see if we feel called in anyway to pursue this situation.
There is one part about this situation that keeps going through my mind....the mother went to abort her, but she was too far along! Ouch! I hear my government teacher from high school saying, "These pro-life people better be ready to put their money where their mouth is and raise these babies that aren't aborted." I'm ready! I will put my money where my mouth is! Bring her to me! I would take in an unlimited number of children to save them from being murdered before they are born! But that doesn't mean this baby is mine, either.
So I sit...wondering....dreaming...trying not to think of the possibilities....trying not to fall in love with her already....trying to be truly open to God's will...and at the same time wondering where in the world we would get that kind of money to pursue the adoption! But then I know story after story of how God provided, so I would pursue her in a heart beat in faith that God will take care of the rest...I just have to know this is His will! I want it to be His will so badly that I don't know that I can be fully objective....that is why I really do rely on John to say yes or no! I just need him to not be puking so we can talk about it!
Let me just say that I know how selfish this sounds/is, but I say this is a transparent look at my life...so you get the good, the bad and the very ugly! I am so bummed that he is sick tonight! See I got an e-mail in my inbox today. Ever since I started pricing fences to get the pool fence, I have stopped looking at domestic situations and concentrated on the foster care issue.
Well, the e-mail I got was for an African American baby girl due in July here in Texas. It is a little higher than what I had wanted to do even in a domestic adoption, but I just keep thinking that no matter the cost, a child is worth it! I don't hesitate to pay that much for a car that will run out and eventually break down. The car will be ashes when the fire hits it, but the life of this child will be eternal! Read post below for simple explanation of that analogy!
John hates these e-mails! It really stretches him to think about having another child. There are days it does me too, but I love babies and children! John doesn't have that burning desire like me, so I appreciate that he is willing to pray and consider that perhaps God is calling us to this even thought he, John, would not choose this for us. However, talking about it is hard. For one thing, finding time when we can both sit down and talk with out interruption when we still have brain cells left (which we usually neither one do by bed time!) is so difficult. Well, tonight, the big kids are with John's parents. The little ones go to bed at 8, so we were planning to sit and talk about it tonight to see if we feel called in anyway to pursue this situation.
There is one part about this situation that keeps going through my mind....the mother went to abort her, but she was too far along! Ouch! I hear my government teacher from high school saying, "These pro-life people better be ready to put their money where their mouth is and raise these babies that aren't aborted." I'm ready! I will put my money where my mouth is! Bring her to me! I would take in an unlimited number of children to save them from being murdered before they are born! But that doesn't mean this baby is mine, either.
So I sit...wondering....dreaming...trying not to think of the possibilities....trying not to fall in love with her already....trying to be truly open to God's will...and at the same time wondering where in the world we would get that kind of money to pursue the adoption! But then I know story after story of how God provided, so I would pursue her in a heart beat in faith that God will take care of the rest...I just have to know this is His will! I want it to be His will so badly that I don't know that I can be fully objective....that is why I really do rely on John to say yes or no! I just need him to not be puking so we can talk about it!
What a quote!
I have been looking for blogs on foster care, so I checked out my friend Amy's from an adoptive mom yahoo group I belong to. They have just been through a trying foster ordeal! But since John and I are praying about it, I wanted to read more about it. I process things so differently than John, and it makes times like this very stressful at our house!
When Amy's blog came up, I looked at her title bar and saw this quote. It has haunted me ever since:
"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it...but I'm afraid God might ask me the same question." -Anonymous
wow! That says it all!
Go check out Building the Blocks, you will be blessed!
When Amy's blog came up, I looked at her title bar and saw this quote. It has haunted me ever since:
"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it...but I'm afraid God might ask me the same question." -Anonymous
wow! That says it all!
Go check out Building the Blocks, you will be blessed!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
God has a way...
...of keeping things in the forefront of our minds! I have posted several times about my desire for a baby. It comes and goes from time to time. Well, lately it has come and stayed! Nothing about life says now would be a good time...John says nothing about life says EVER would be a good time! :) He was done at one! But I have really had foster care on my mind! As I was looking at all these adoption situations that I wanted to be presented to, I looked at the price tags, and this little voice said, "Now what was it that stopped you from fostering? Wasn't it like $2,000 to put up that four foot fence and you stopped. Yet, you are still looking at adoptions that will cost you well over $20K?" He had me! I couldn't rationalize my way out of that one!
So I started really praying! I even made some inquiries on-line about pool fences..you know nothing personal, just filling in some forms so there is no commitment. Well, out of the blue one day at the office, one of the companies called with their Texas installer! So there it was again....the idea of fosterting. He quoted me a price that would be about $3,000. Out of the question! John will never go for that! He doesn't even want a fence around the pool anyway. I didn't either because we had a lab that already didn't have enough room, and that would have blocked her running space for sure. Well, three weeks ago, we sent her to a new home with a ton of space! So one more dilema solved.
I have become a new fan of Karen Kingsbury. My friend Anita introduced me to her books, and I am hooked! I only had 5 minutes at the library the other day before I had to pick up the kids, so I just grabbed two and ran. When I started reading one of them, When Joy Comes to Stay, guess what it is about? You guessed it...foster care! A mom who gave up a baby and is now fostering, and the baby she gave up that is now 8 and gets nearly beat to death by her foster mom! I am not finished with the book, but have just cried through most of it! Once again, fostering jumps out of nowhere!
CPS is not the way I would go. There will be a much greater risk of heartbreak (like adoption doesn't have enough in and of itself!)as odds are we will lose a few before we get to keep our child. We will have to take children who have been abused...love children who have not been loved. That can be very difficult. But if we don't, who will? That is what God keeps asking me. I look on the TARE websight almost daily. Did you know that in 2006 in Texas along, 1,700 children aged out?! That means 1,700 children left the foster system with no where to return to on Christmas or no home to go to if they fall on hard times. No where but the street or jail where over 75% of foster children end up! Body of Christ, what are we thining?! Who will be Jesus' hands and feet to these "Least of these" if we will not?
I don't know that in the end we will be able to foster to adopt. I don't know yet what John will hear from the Lord. But I know that even if we don't foster to adopt, God has this in the forefront of my mind for some reason! If it is not for us, then I will have to keep praying because it is just not acceptable to know that many children are hurting...right here in good 'ol America!
So I started really praying! I even made some inquiries on-line about pool fences..you know nothing personal, just filling in some forms so there is no commitment. Well, out of the blue one day at the office, one of the companies called with their Texas installer! So there it was again....the idea of fosterting. He quoted me a price that would be about $3,000. Out of the question! John will never go for that! He doesn't even want a fence around the pool anyway. I didn't either because we had a lab that already didn't have enough room, and that would have blocked her running space for sure. Well, three weeks ago, we sent her to a new home with a ton of space! So one more dilema solved.
I have become a new fan of Karen Kingsbury. My friend Anita introduced me to her books, and I am hooked! I only had 5 minutes at the library the other day before I had to pick up the kids, so I just grabbed two and ran. When I started reading one of them, When Joy Comes to Stay, guess what it is about? You guessed it...foster care! A mom who gave up a baby and is now fostering, and the baby she gave up that is now 8 and gets nearly beat to death by her foster mom! I am not finished with the book, but have just cried through most of it! Once again, fostering jumps out of nowhere!
CPS is not the way I would go. There will be a much greater risk of heartbreak (like adoption doesn't have enough in and of itself!)as odds are we will lose a few before we get to keep our child. We will have to take children who have been abused...love children who have not been loved. That can be very difficult. But if we don't, who will? That is what God keeps asking me. I look on the TARE websight almost daily. Did you know that in 2006 in Texas along, 1,700 children aged out?! That means 1,700 children left the foster system with no where to return to on Christmas or no home to go to if they fall on hard times. No where but the street or jail where over 75% of foster children end up! Body of Christ, what are we thining?! Who will be Jesus' hands and feet to these "Least of these" if we will not?
I don't know that in the end we will be able to foster to adopt. I don't know yet what John will hear from the Lord. But I know that even if we don't foster to adopt, God has this in the forefront of my mind for some reason! If it is not for us, then I will have to keep praying because it is just not acceptable to know that many children are hurting...right here in good 'ol America!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Our kids
Check out our kids! John put together this video in order for us to raise funds to cover expenses over the next few months while adoptions are on hold! If God stirs your heart as you look into the faces of the chidlren in our care (59 total...33 have families committed, the rest are being cared for totally on donations by people God has stirred to help), you can e-mail me for donation information. Thanks for looking at our kids! I think they are the cutest in the world! But I might be just a tad prejudice! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCuHOUqCPfk
I am sure there is a way to post this directly to my blog, but you know me...technology is not my thing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCuHOUqCPfk
I am sure there is a way to post this directly to my blog, but you know me...technology is not my thing!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
My Dark Brown Boy
I was looking through my pictures of all my Liberia trips. It was a good journey for the most part. I was getting pictures for a slide show that John is using to make a video to help us raise funds since we haven't paid salaries or rent this month in Liberia and the food money I left when I was there will run out at the end of this week. I would be fibbing if I said that I hadn't had a few sleepless nights over this, but in four years of being responsible for funding care for children in Liberia, God has ALWAYS provided! So I am trusting Him to once again work a miracle that will bring funds or multiply food, or however He sees fit to meet the needs of the kids and staff He has entrusted to our care.
We have had a series the past few weeks at church on parenting and marriage, basically, family topics. Today, our pastor was talking about our children and how for whatever reason, God has placed our children in our home at just this time because He needs them to be trained by us however we do it for whatever He has in store for them in His kingdom. I know Daniel probably has no idea just how powerful that is to hear as an adoptive parent, but man, it immediately made me think of my little Toben! I have struggled since seeing his village with why - I hate that I do that! But I have wondered, why Toben? Why me? Why is Toben not still stuck over there like some of the other children who have been waiting to come to home? Why did Toben get to enter the adoption program while so many others still live in the village where he did...with out a water well, without clothes, without food except what they can collect right around their home?
Tonight, Toben went to bed with a full stomach after a day of eating plenty to not just fill him, but nourish him as well. Children in his village went to be tonight with bloated stomachs...not because they were full, but because there was not enough to eat, not enough protein. Children in his village could very well wake up with a water born illness that will take their life as Cholera did Addy's because there is no safe water for them to drink. Toben can at any time walk to the refrigerator and fill his glass with safe, cold water!
Why did God choose him? Why did God choose me? I don't know! All I know is I am so thankful He did!
God, help me be the mommy this dark brown boy needs! Forgive me for the times I fall short, and make up for my short falls. Help me to train Toben to be all he needs to be in order to serve You in Your kingdom in whatever capacity You have ordained. Most of all, God, thank you! Thank you for my little dark brown boy that looks at a picture of two women, one white and one dark brown, and when asked if that is your momma (meaning the dark brown one) replies, "No silly! That's my momma!" and points to me! Thank you for a woman who broke her heart by giving up a son in order that he could be mine.
As I looked through the pictures, I was overcome with so many feelings. Joy as I saw faces that were once there, but are now here!
Sadness over faces that have been there through many of my trips and are still waiting to come home. Frustration that there are faces still needing families, but I can't ask anyone to commit to a child in the current situation. Humility as I see the conditions that our children used to live in. Joy as I see the conditions they now live in. Hope as I think of all the families waiting for some of these faces to come home, but at the same time almost despair as I think of these same families and the whole that I know is in their heart that hurts beyond belief when they look at these faces that they wait to kiss and love!
Sadness over faces that have been there through many of my trips and are still waiting to come home. Frustration that there are faces still needing families, but I can't ask anyone to commit to a child in the current situation. Humility as I see the conditions that our children used to live in. Joy as I see the conditions they now live in. Hope as I think of all the families waiting for some of these faces to come home, but at the same time almost despair as I think of these same families and the whole that I know is in their heart that hurts beyond belief when they look at these faces that they wait to kiss and love!And then I think of my dark brown boy asleep in his bed just a few feet from me. I think of where he has come from. I got to see the hut he slept in. I got to see children that he would have been had for whatever reason God chose to pluck him from those circumstances and place him right here in my home.
We have had a series the past few weeks at church on parenting and marriage, basically, family topics. Today, our pastor was talking about our children and how for whatever reason, God has placed our children in our home at just this time because He needs them to be trained by us however we do it for whatever He has in store for them in His kingdom. I know Daniel probably has no idea just how powerful that is to hear as an adoptive parent, but man, it immediately made me think of my little Toben! I have struggled since seeing his village with why - I hate that I do that! But I have wondered, why Toben? Why me? Why is Toben not still stuck over there like some of the other children who have been waiting to come to home? Why did Toben get to enter the adoption program while so many others still live in the village where he did...with out a water well, without clothes, without food except what they can collect right around their home?
Tonight, Toben went to bed with a full stomach after a day of eating plenty to not just fill him, but nourish him as well. Children in his village went to be tonight with bloated stomachs...not because they were full, but because there was not enough to eat, not enough protein. Children in his village could very well wake up with a water born illness that will take their life as Cholera did Addy's because there is no safe water for them to drink. Toben can at any time walk to the refrigerator and fill his glass with safe, cold water!I don't often think of where my kids came from...Toben or Noah. They are here now, and it is my job to train them as men of God. But every once in a while, my mind does the "what if?" game. It did that today as I looked at the pictures. What if he wasn't here? What if he was still with his birth mom? I really can't go there. My heart would break!
Why did God choose him? Why did God choose me? I don't know! All I know is I am so thankful He did!God, help me be the mommy this dark brown boy needs! Forgive me for the times I fall short, and make up for my short falls. Help me to train Toben to be all he needs to be in order to serve You in Your kingdom in whatever capacity You have ordained. Most of all, God, thank you! Thank you for my little dark brown boy that looks at a picture of two women, one white and one dark brown, and when asked if that is your momma (meaning the dark brown one) replies, "No silly! That's my momma!" and points to me! Thank you for a woman who broke her heart by giving up a son in order that he could be mine.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Re-Entry
Re-Entry - that is the term I use for coming home. When you travel to a third world country, there is a re-entry phase you have to go through when you come back into our society of plenty! The first time I was in Africa and then returned home, I had to leave Wal-Mart the first time I was in there because I was just angry at the injustice of it all. Here we are with all we need and most of what we want while half way around the world there are people starving and dying.
I always thought that re-entry would get easier the more trips I took. But I am finding the exact opposite to be true. It seems that each return from Liberia makes it harder and harder to reconcile the two worlds. This time has been really difficult.
Partly because of the battle I am fighting and the waiting for people in a country with starving children to move so I can help their children. That is frustrating! But God reminds me daily that He is still on the throne, and in HIS timing all will be in place for me to do what He is calling me to. I am just not very good at waiting....and I know the financial demands of running a children's home with 59 children and 14 staff...and I know our bank account balance! That brings a little fear to me...but God reminds me to trust Him, so I have to turn that over to him pretty much on an hourly basis right now!
But I digress! I have really struggled this time. I think in part because I saw more devastation this time. I went to places that are more remote. And then a big part of God's movement on this trip was meeting a man who works in a county (Liberia's word for "state") that is a two day drive from Monrovia. He showed me pictures of the village he has been working in. No one wears clothes! It is that remote and poverty stricken. They don't walk around unclothed because they don't know any better, they walk around unclothed because they don't have the resources to clothe themselves! There is more to this story, and I will be sharing it with all of you later. But for now, this is the part that has me stricken.
In my quiet time today, God took me to James. I only got through the first chapter. It was a great reminder about why God doesn't work on our time table. The first few verses are the wonderful words, "consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Endurance...not something that is really a product of our society! You want something to eat, go to a fast food place or pop something in the microwave. If it takes more than an hour to prepare and cook, I usually skip it! Having trouble in your marriage, get a divorce. Don't like how your boss is treating you, quit and get a new job. And in the adoption world, I see more and more, the child doesn't "fit" your family, disrupt! We are a society of quick fixes and escape routes.
So this concept of endurance is foreign! I struggle with it on a daily basis. I know God is working in Liberia...and of course in my heart! But I want the tangible solutions NOW! Actually, I want them yesterday! I want adoptions moving so families can be united, finances are not a struggle, the work that God has called us to in Liberia outside adoptions can continue, etc, etc. But God is saying, wait and trust! I don't understand it! It makes no sense to me that God wouldn't allow us the resources to do the things He has called us to. It makes no sense to me that we have 33 children in an orphanage with parents, families, waiting to love them and hold them. But that is why God is God and not me! He sees the whole picture, and I just see one piece. So I must wait.
So there is the endurance part of it. But I have come to learn that waiting in the Christian walk is not a passive word, it is an active word. The wait is when God transforms me, then the outcome is just that much sweeter because I see His glory revealed.
As I continued to read James 1, the last verse pierced my heart. It is probably the most commonly quoted scripture in adoption circles: "Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress." But there is more to that verse! As I read it, God pierced my heart. The last part is, "and to keep oneself unstained by the world." Wow! The word in the Greek for unstained means "spotless, without". I am to be without the world! The world is not to have its mark on me! Oh how I miss that mark!
I am learning something about myself....I am an all or nothing kind of gall. That might sound like a good trait, but it makes my life really difficult. It makes finding balance all but impossible! It means I have a hard time going to work when the family needs me, and it means having a hard time shutting work off when I come home. Especially the work I do since it is a ministry that involves people's children, hearts and even souls. I know any of you in ministry can relate!
This all or nothing trait really complicates re-entry! When I am in Liberia, I am looking at all the needs. I see so many that $50 will give them tuition for this year to graduate high school. Just $50, that is just a portion of my clothes budget for my family that already has full closets! But these people don't even have money to eat, much less $50 for school. That is just one example of a multitude! So when I am there, I am going through our budget in my mind...cutting back in all areas so that we can give more to people who really are in need. I am motivated. I am in that world, all in!
BUT....then I return home! I am overwhelmed by the needs I left behind. I start hearing the little voice in my head that says, "The needs are too many. You will never make a dent in them." Then I turn to my world, all in! My conviction to send our clothes budget to people needing tuition melts away when I see the perfect Easter dress for Ava even though she already has a pretty dress that would work just fine.
I am supposed to be unstained by this world. I know there are many ways that we can be "stained" by the world, but finances are a tough one for me and John! We buy into the world's lies that we have to have it all, and as Americans, we feel we deserve it all.
I am not saying we should sell all our possessions and live as paupers. God placed us here, in America, in this society, and it is ok to live here. But there is balance! While I believe God is ok with us having a nice home, cars that run, nice clothes to so we look presentable, I believe He is saddened by our excess. I believe He wishes we would look to others more.
This morning, He was convicting me. Don't put your American head in the sand and pretend like you didn't see what you saw! Do the work. It will be hard, but look at your budget. Examine your heart. See where you can sacrifice the desires to give someone a need! I am a long way from having this part of my life under God's authority! But this morning, He reminded me again that while He wants me to care for orphans and widows, He is just as concerned that I remain unstained by this world....and that includes in the game of keeping up with the Jones!
I always thought that re-entry would get easier the more trips I took. But I am finding the exact opposite to be true. It seems that each return from Liberia makes it harder and harder to reconcile the two worlds. This time has been really difficult.
Partly because of the battle I am fighting and the waiting for people in a country with starving children to move so I can help their children. That is frustrating! But God reminds me daily that He is still on the throne, and in HIS timing all will be in place for me to do what He is calling me to. I am just not very good at waiting....and I know the financial demands of running a children's home with 59 children and 14 staff...and I know our bank account balance! That brings a little fear to me...but God reminds me to trust Him, so I have to turn that over to him pretty much on an hourly basis right now!
But I digress! I have really struggled this time. I think in part because I saw more devastation this time. I went to places that are more remote. And then a big part of God's movement on this trip was meeting a man who works in a county (Liberia's word for "state") that is a two day drive from Monrovia. He showed me pictures of the village he has been working in. No one wears clothes! It is that remote and poverty stricken. They don't walk around unclothed because they don't know any better, they walk around unclothed because they don't have the resources to clothe themselves! There is more to this story, and I will be sharing it with all of you later. But for now, this is the part that has me stricken.
In my quiet time today, God took me to James. I only got through the first chapter. It was a great reminder about why God doesn't work on our time table. The first few verses are the wonderful words, "consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Endurance...not something that is really a product of our society! You want something to eat, go to a fast food place or pop something in the microwave. If it takes more than an hour to prepare and cook, I usually skip it! Having trouble in your marriage, get a divorce. Don't like how your boss is treating you, quit and get a new job. And in the adoption world, I see more and more, the child doesn't "fit" your family, disrupt! We are a society of quick fixes and escape routes.
So this concept of endurance is foreign! I struggle with it on a daily basis. I know God is working in Liberia...and of course in my heart! But I want the tangible solutions NOW! Actually, I want them yesterday! I want adoptions moving so families can be united, finances are not a struggle, the work that God has called us to in Liberia outside adoptions can continue, etc, etc. But God is saying, wait and trust! I don't understand it! It makes no sense to me that God wouldn't allow us the resources to do the things He has called us to. It makes no sense to me that we have 33 children in an orphanage with parents, families, waiting to love them and hold them. But that is why God is God and not me! He sees the whole picture, and I just see one piece. So I must wait.
So there is the endurance part of it. But I have come to learn that waiting in the Christian walk is not a passive word, it is an active word. The wait is when God transforms me, then the outcome is just that much sweeter because I see His glory revealed.
As I continued to read James 1, the last verse pierced my heart. It is probably the most commonly quoted scripture in adoption circles: "Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress." But there is more to that verse! As I read it, God pierced my heart. The last part is, "and to keep oneself unstained by the world." Wow! The word in the Greek for unstained means "spotless, without". I am to be without the world! The world is not to have its mark on me! Oh how I miss that mark!
I am learning something about myself....I am an all or nothing kind of gall. That might sound like a good trait, but it makes my life really difficult. It makes finding balance all but impossible! It means I have a hard time going to work when the family needs me, and it means having a hard time shutting work off when I come home. Especially the work I do since it is a ministry that involves people's children, hearts and even souls. I know any of you in ministry can relate!
This all or nothing trait really complicates re-entry! When I am in Liberia, I am looking at all the needs. I see so many that $50 will give them tuition for this year to graduate high school. Just $50, that is just a portion of my clothes budget for my family that already has full closets! But these people don't even have money to eat, much less $50 for school. That is just one example of a multitude! So when I am there, I am going through our budget in my mind...cutting back in all areas so that we can give more to people who really are in need. I am motivated. I am in that world, all in!
BUT....then I return home! I am overwhelmed by the needs I left behind. I start hearing the little voice in my head that says, "The needs are too many. You will never make a dent in them." Then I turn to my world, all in! My conviction to send our clothes budget to people needing tuition melts away when I see the perfect Easter dress for Ava even though she already has a pretty dress that would work just fine.
I am supposed to be unstained by this world. I know there are many ways that we can be "stained" by the world, but finances are a tough one for me and John! We buy into the world's lies that we have to have it all, and as Americans, we feel we deserve it all.
I am not saying we should sell all our possessions and live as paupers. God placed us here, in America, in this society, and it is ok to live here. But there is balance! While I believe God is ok with us having a nice home, cars that run, nice clothes to so we look presentable, I believe He is saddened by our excess. I believe He wishes we would look to others more.
This morning, He was convicting me. Don't put your American head in the sand and pretend like you didn't see what you saw! Do the work. It will be hard, but look at your budget. Examine your heart. See where you can sacrifice the desires to give someone a need! I am a long way from having this part of my life under God's authority! But this morning, He reminded me again that while He wants me to care for orphans and widows, He is just as concerned that I remain unstained by this world....and that includes in the game of keeping up with the Jones!
Monday, January 19, 2009
What a difference a year makes....
One year ago today John and I boarded a plane for Liberia. We were going to pick up our son. That is what John and HollyAnn, the parents were doing. HollyAnn, the director of an agency, was also meeting three other families to bring their children home. Little did we know what we were entering!
One year later, I wish I could walk away from it all. I wish I could have rejoiced in getting Toben home and gone on to live our lives. I wish I could send a check on gotcha day to some organization that is working in Liberia, reflect on the miracles we saw to bring Toben home, stay in touch with a few adoptive parents, and live our lives...
But I am reminded daily that the above wishes are not possible. One year later, I am still fighting a government to be able to help its own people. I am being told by their own government officials to fight with all I have and "hit them where it hurts" because that is the only way they will listen. Oh God, what have you called me to....
Then I pick up books like Shela Walsh's Life is Tough But God is Faithful. And these are the lessons God is teaching me:
"There is something built into every human being that says, "I have rights!" When we read in Romans 12:1 that all Christians are "living sacrifices," it sounds so noble. We hold on to that wonderful thought without ever wondering what the implications might be. When Paul used the words living sacrifices, he meant something much different from the old system.
In the Old Testament, a lamb was not consulted as to how it felt about being offered as a sacrifice. It was simply slaughtered and laid on the altar to be consumed by the fire. But in the New Testament - the New Covenant - we are living sacrifices. the trouble is, a living sacrifice can crawl off the altar when it gets too hot. God could have preprogrammed us as robots who serve Him without choice, but instead He has given us the ability to choose.
The more I walk with the Lord, the more I understand that every day of my life, for the rest of my walk on this earth, I can choose t stay on the altar or to crawl away. When the heat is turned up, I can crawl off and say, "Well, this is not what I signed up for. I thought that this would make me feel good. I thought that all my prayers would be answered, but it seems as if God has turned a deaf ear to my cry."
One year later, I wish I could walk away from it all. I wish I could have rejoiced in getting Toben home and gone on to live our lives. I wish I could send a check on gotcha day to some organization that is working in Liberia, reflect on the miracles we saw to bring Toben home, stay in touch with a few adoptive parents, and live our lives...
But I am reminded daily that the above wishes are not possible. One year later, I am still fighting a government to be able to help its own people. I am being told by their own government officials to fight with all I have and "hit them where it hurts" because that is the only way they will listen. Oh God, what have you called me to....
Then I pick up books like Shela Walsh's Life is Tough But God is Faithful. And these are the lessons God is teaching me:
"There is something built into every human being that says, "I have rights!" When we read in Romans 12:1 that all Christians are "living sacrifices," it sounds so noble. We hold on to that wonderful thought without ever wondering what the implications might be. When Paul used the words living sacrifices, he meant something much different from the old system.
In the Old Testament, a lamb was not consulted as to how it felt about being offered as a sacrifice. It was simply slaughtered and laid on the altar to be consumed by the fire. But in the New Testament - the New Covenant - we are living sacrifices. the trouble is, a living sacrifice can crawl off the altar when it gets too hot. God could have preprogrammed us as robots who serve Him without choice, but instead He has given us the ability to choose.
The more I walk with the Lord, the more I understand that every day of my life, for the rest of my walk on this earth, I can choose t stay on the altar or to crawl away. When the heat is turned up, I can crawl off and say, "Well, this is not what I signed up for. I thought that this would make me feel good. I thought that all my prayers would be answered, but it seems as if God has turned a deaf ear to my cry."
"Turning Point: When the heat of problems and pain burns into our very souls, we can crawl away and hide when it gets too hot, or we can choose to be living sacrifices who stay on the altar for His sake."
I can choose to believe what it seems, or believe the truth that God never leaves us or forsakes us...I can choose to walk away from the call, climb off the alter, or I can remain even though the heat is hot. The world says I can come off the alter, live a "good" life, and I will still go to heaven. That is true. I have accepted Christ as my Savior..I am sealed with the Holy Spirit..nothing can take that away....I will go to heaven. But is heaven the goal? Or is glorifying God the goal? You know, in all honesty, there have been many days this past two weeks that I can say heaven would be just fine with me! I know I am sealed! Now lets have fun!!!! But I also know that the second I walk in disobedience, there will be a God given sorrow that will put a wedge in my relationship with Him. The first time I went through a major crisis of belief after I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, I knew that this closeness with God, this intimate relationship with Him, is what I want most out of life. So I look at that spiritual marker, that "stone of remembrance" and know I have to press on! Walking away, crawling off the altar is not a choice. I just ask that God will give me the sanity to make it through this crisis of belief and the wisdom to know what steps to take.
And I pray that next year, at least in this battle, it will be behind us, and we will be rejoicing in what God is doing in Liberia!
I can choose to believe what it seems, or believe the truth that God never leaves us or forsakes us...I can choose to walk away from the call, climb off the alter, or I can remain even though the heat is hot. The world says I can come off the alter, live a "good" life, and I will still go to heaven. That is true. I have accepted Christ as my Savior..I am sealed with the Holy Spirit..nothing can take that away....I will go to heaven. But is heaven the goal? Or is glorifying God the goal? You know, in all honesty, there have been many days this past two weeks that I can say heaven would be just fine with me! I know I am sealed! Now lets have fun!!!! But I also know that the second I walk in disobedience, there will be a God given sorrow that will put a wedge in my relationship with Him. The first time I went through a major crisis of belief after I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, I knew that this closeness with God, this intimate relationship with Him, is what I want most out of life. So I look at that spiritual marker, that "stone of remembrance" and know I have to press on! Walking away, crawling off the altar is not a choice. I just ask that God will give me the sanity to make it through this crisis of belief and the wisdom to know what steps to take.
And I pray that next year, at least in this battle, it will be behind us, and we will be rejoicing in what God is doing in Liberia!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Happy Birthday Toben!
Today is my precious baby boy's birthday! He is four today. Wow, four! That is really bitter sweet. I mourn the three years I missed of his life! I wonder what he looked like as a baby? Did he sleep good? I will never regain those years....but in some way, I think God uses that to help me get just a small glimpse of what Toben mourns in leaving everything he knew to come to America and be a part of our family. It is the closest thing I will ever have to trying to relate.
This past year has been a whirlwind! So many trials and struggles...and yet Toben hasn't been any of those! He has adjusted amazingly well! He is just amazing! He is perfectly bonded, and I am getting there! His sweet smile and contagious laugh have been such a bright spot in our home...and I look forward to many more years of those!
My Precious Toben,
God is good! That is what your name means! Oh how true that is and oh how God has used you to drive home that fact! You have born way too much weight for a little boy! You carried four years of broken adoption dreams for me. Yet, you have bore them like a champ! God has used you to heal many wounds left when Eden didn't come home. You fulfilled a life-long dream of a multi-racial family! I never thought that it would be possible to forget that you are "different"...yet I find myself looking down and being shocked that a dark brown boy stands next to me! You are just my son now!
I know the years ahead may have challenges as you grow into the man God desires you to be...questions about why you are different, why you were born half a world away, why you were brought here? I don't have the answers to those, but I do know that I will be eternally grateful that God saw fit to put you here! What an awesome blessing to be your mommy!
God has big plans for you my Obie! You wear your name proudly! I pray that I will be all the mommy you need as you go through the bumps and trials of growing up in this lost world. I look forward to many more birthdays with you....celebrating the life God gave you and preserved and brought to us! May God bless you my little man! I love you!
Love,
Mommy
We will be celebrating at Chuck E. Cheese tonight with a power ranger birthday as requested! :)
Saturday, January 10, 2009
My African Boy!
Today at Callie and Noah's basketball games, I ran into a friend of mine who has an amazing ministry! One day I need to share her story here! She is the mother of 7 African-American children. She is anglo. Her children were born here in the US...they are "domestic" in adoption terms.
When she came over to talk to me, her 3 year old little girl came with her. We introduced Toben and her little girl. Her little girl said, "hello", and Toben said to this precious dark brown girl sitting on her white momma's lap with the biggest grin on his face, "I am from Africa, too!"
When she came over to talk to me, her 3 year old little girl came with her. We introduced Toben and her little girl. Her little girl said, "hello", and Toben said to this precious dark brown girl sitting on her white momma's lap with the biggest grin on his face, "I am from Africa, too!"
Monday, January 5, 2009
Waiting
You all may get sick of Experiencing God, but man it is rocking my world and teaching me so much! I think of many of you on the adoption journey when I read things in it....as I have to apply them to myself as I walk through all the adoptions I am responsible for also!
Today's lesson was on hearing God. One of my biggest struggles is am I hearing God, or is that my voice? One of the paragraphs really hit home in today's lesson, so I wanted to share it with all of you. Praying that if you are in a waiting pattern for anything in your life, this will encourage you! It did me! I can apply this to just about every area of my life right now....
"If you do not have clear instructions from God in a matter, pray and wait. Learn patience. Depend on God's timing, which is always right and best. Don't get in a hurry. He may withhold directions to cause you to seek Him more intently. Don't try to skip over the relationship to start doing something. God is more interested in a love relationship with you than He is in what you can do for Him. If God is having you wait, He may want to develop a deeper relationship with you before He gives you your next assignment. He may have you wait because the timing is not yet right." ~Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby
Wow!
Today's lesson was on hearing God. One of my biggest struggles is am I hearing God, or is that my voice? One of the paragraphs really hit home in today's lesson, so I wanted to share it with all of you. Praying that if you are in a waiting pattern for anything in your life, this will encourage you! It did me! I can apply this to just about every area of my life right now....
"If you do not have clear instructions from God in a matter, pray and wait. Learn patience. Depend on God's timing, which is always right and best. Don't get in a hurry. He may withhold directions to cause you to seek Him more intently. Don't try to skip over the relationship to start doing something. God is more interested in a love relationship with you than He is in what you can do for Him. If God is having you wait, He may want to develop a deeper relationship with you before He gives you your next assignment. He may have you wait because the timing is not yet right." ~Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby
Wow!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
First Sleep Over
Well, my little T-man is having his first sleepover! I guess all went well because we didn't get a phone call in the middle of the night! He announced yesterday morning that he was going to go to Nana and Granddad's house to spend the night. Shortly after that, Nana called and the arrangements were made! Noah and Ava went too!
Kind of surreal that he is not with me or John! Just under one year from his home coming and he is able to go spend the night at another house and be just fine! He has done remarkable! He is just a real trooper. We are pretty relaxed about transition stuff, and it seems to work. We could not have asked for a better bonding, attaching, transitioning time. He has not missed a beat! He fits in like he was always here! He has the appropriate reactions to fear, loss, sorrow, guilt; he is just a super kid! Man would we have missed out to not have taken this journey!
If you are reading this and thinking about adoption...let me just say that God puts that on your heart for a reason! Don't pray/think too long! Take action! It will be the hardest, but most rewarding trip you will take! Jump on the adoption roller coaster! And post a comment and let me know when you do! :)
Kind of surreal that he is not with me or John! Just under one year from his home coming and he is able to go spend the night at another house and be just fine! He has done remarkable! He is just a real trooper. We are pretty relaxed about transition stuff, and it seems to work. We could not have asked for a better bonding, attaching, transitioning time. He has not missed a beat! He fits in like he was always here! He has the appropriate reactions to fear, loss, sorrow, guilt; he is just a super kid! Man would we have missed out to not have taken this journey!
If you are reading this and thinking about adoption...let me just say that God puts that on your heart for a reason! Don't pray/think too long! Take action! It will be the hardest, but most rewarding trip you will take! Jump on the adoption roller coaster! And post a comment and let me know when you do! :)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
knowing = loving = believe & trust = obedience = abundant life
knowing = loving = believe & trust = obedience = abundant life
I love that equation! I can't say that I have always loved that equation, but the closer I get to the end of it, the more I love it!
Let me explain!
I am still in the Experiencing God study. As you can tell from my last post, this has been a bit of a dry season...as bit of rebellion maybe, or maybe not so sever as rebellion as much as doubting God. Not fully trusting in Who He is or what He knows!
This may turn into a multi part post as so many things are swimming in my head and blogging just helps me sort it all out...so thanks for enduring my rants! :)
I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 10 years old. So I have known of Him for 25 years (i just had a birthday.....35! Can't believe it!). But my history, the way I was introduced to Jesus is very legalistic. You accept Christ, you better walk the straight line or He will zap you! That was pretty much my theology! Kept me out of a lot of trouble because on some level I truly believed a lightning bolt would come down from heaven and zap me!
As I went to college, I began seeking Him more. I knew I was missing something, but didn't go to any Bible studies or churches that really helped me understand what I was missing. I didn't fully understand the purpose/power of the Holy Spirit to guide and teach me, so I was searching but not really finding the answers. Enter my precious John!
John and his family were as far charismatic as my family was traditional. Made for some interesting first conversations! More on that maybe later! But this is when I understood that what I was missing from God was relationship! God didn't just want my obedience, He first wanted my heart...He wanted me to KNOW him!
So I began to study. God would move us to a church that at least allowed me to clap in response to my worship with Him. And frankly, that is about all I could handle then. I walked out of the first church service John took me to at his church! He was playing the piano, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, I will be in the parking lot when you are done! I would have left, but he had the car keys, and I had left my car at his house. He had said if I couldn't go to his church we were not going to date....I thought we were through because I was NOT going to that church! That is a post for another time too!
I digress! Then God would move us to a little farming town in the middle of the Texas panhandle. He would place us in the middle of legalism in a small, country, ALL Baptist church (had an interim pastor do an acrostic of "Baptist" one time and follow it by telling our youth that God did not want them to marry anyone who was not Baptist! Yes, I set them straight! Just told them that no where in my Bible did it say that! I was often seen as a rebel there...hmmmm...some things never change!) God would remove really all teaching from me. He would place John and I as the lei (SP?) youth leaders of that church. This is where God became my best friend. Our marriage stunk, our church was just about everything I was trying to run from, I was learning just how many "issues" I had from the way I was raised (I had a wonderful family! But I am learning that all people will have issues as they are raised by human parents who have their own issues...I am already saving for my children's therapy needs!!! ha!). The only place I had to turn was God! He took me away from everything. Why? So that I would get to know Him! Right before we left Odessa, I did a Beth Moore Bible study. I fell in love with her love for God. I saw something I wanted! Her style of Bible study fit me. So I called some bigger churches in surrounding towns and found some Beth Moore studies and started leading Bible studies for women at our church. I really stink at that! It is not my gifting! However, I needed them, so I led them so we would have them! God became real to me! He is who I ran to when I was hurt, He was who I ran to when I was lonely, He was who I ran to when I was excited. I KNEW Him! On a fairly surface level, but I knew Him! I began to understand, to know His voice! I used to tell my youth there this analogy: when John first started calling me, he would have to say, "Hi! This is John!" But after several months of dating, and then being married, he no longer had to say that when he called me. I recognized his voice. God is the same way! He has always spoken, but I didn't recognize His voice! Now, I do....at least most times...that is still one of my biggest struggles!
As I got to know Him, I fell deeply in love with Him! That brought the desire to obey...no longer because lighting was going to fall from heaven, but now because I loved Him! Just like a child wanting to please a parent, I wanted to please my heavenly Father! I wanted to hear, "Well done!" But I hit a wall. My first huge faith step after this new revelation was adopting Noah. That went great! No negatives! All positives! All the outcomes were more than I could ever hope or imagine! So I believed God more and trusted Him more! This made me want to obey more.
By January 2003, I had hit a wall. I was so dry. I needed more than what that little farming town had to offer! My marriage was still draining me, now I had two kids that I was trying to raise and felt like a total failure, I felt more like an alien than I had ever felt. My prayer became, "God take me from this place, or take me from this earth!" God answered that prayer and moved us back to West Texas.
I will have to continue later as I have to get to work...and there is a small voice coming from a room saying, "Mooooommmmmaaaa!" :) I love that!
I love that equation! I can't say that I have always loved that equation, but the closer I get to the end of it, the more I love it!
Let me explain!
I am still in the Experiencing God study. As you can tell from my last post, this has been a bit of a dry season...as bit of rebellion maybe, or maybe not so sever as rebellion as much as doubting God. Not fully trusting in Who He is or what He knows!
This may turn into a multi part post as so many things are swimming in my head and blogging just helps me sort it all out...so thanks for enduring my rants! :)
I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 10 years old. So I have known of Him for 25 years (i just had a birthday.....35! Can't believe it!). But my history, the way I was introduced to Jesus is very legalistic. You accept Christ, you better walk the straight line or He will zap you! That was pretty much my theology! Kept me out of a lot of trouble because on some level I truly believed a lightning bolt would come down from heaven and zap me!
As I went to college, I began seeking Him more. I knew I was missing something, but didn't go to any Bible studies or churches that really helped me understand what I was missing. I didn't fully understand the purpose/power of the Holy Spirit to guide and teach me, so I was searching but not really finding the answers. Enter my precious John!
John and his family were as far charismatic as my family was traditional. Made for some interesting first conversations! More on that maybe later! But this is when I understood that what I was missing from God was relationship! God didn't just want my obedience, He first wanted my heart...He wanted me to KNOW him!
So I began to study. God would move us to a church that at least allowed me to clap in response to my worship with Him. And frankly, that is about all I could handle then. I walked out of the first church service John took me to at his church! He was playing the piano, I tapped him on the shoulder and said, I will be in the parking lot when you are done! I would have left, but he had the car keys, and I had left my car at his house. He had said if I couldn't go to his church we were not going to date....I thought we were through because I was NOT going to that church! That is a post for another time too!
I digress! Then God would move us to a little farming town in the middle of the Texas panhandle. He would place us in the middle of legalism in a small, country, ALL Baptist church (had an interim pastor do an acrostic of "Baptist" one time and follow it by telling our youth that God did not want them to marry anyone who was not Baptist! Yes, I set them straight! Just told them that no where in my Bible did it say that! I was often seen as a rebel there...hmmmm...some things never change!) God would remove really all teaching from me. He would place John and I as the lei (SP?) youth leaders of that church. This is where God became my best friend. Our marriage stunk, our church was just about everything I was trying to run from, I was learning just how many "issues" I had from the way I was raised (I had a wonderful family! But I am learning that all people will have issues as they are raised by human parents who have their own issues...I am already saving for my children's therapy needs!!! ha!). The only place I had to turn was God! He took me away from everything. Why? So that I would get to know Him! Right before we left Odessa, I did a Beth Moore Bible study. I fell in love with her love for God. I saw something I wanted! Her style of Bible study fit me. So I called some bigger churches in surrounding towns and found some Beth Moore studies and started leading Bible studies for women at our church. I really stink at that! It is not my gifting! However, I needed them, so I led them so we would have them! God became real to me! He is who I ran to when I was hurt, He was who I ran to when I was lonely, He was who I ran to when I was excited. I KNEW Him! On a fairly surface level, but I knew Him! I began to understand, to know His voice! I used to tell my youth there this analogy: when John first started calling me, he would have to say, "Hi! This is John!" But after several months of dating, and then being married, he no longer had to say that when he called me. I recognized his voice. God is the same way! He has always spoken, but I didn't recognize His voice! Now, I do....at least most times...that is still one of my biggest struggles!
As I got to know Him, I fell deeply in love with Him! That brought the desire to obey...no longer because lighting was going to fall from heaven, but now because I loved Him! Just like a child wanting to please a parent, I wanted to please my heavenly Father! I wanted to hear, "Well done!" But I hit a wall. My first huge faith step after this new revelation was adopting Noah. That went great! No negatives! All positives! All the outcomes were more than I could ever hope or imagine! So I believed God more and trusted Him more! This made me want to obey more.
By January 2003, I had hit a wall. I was so dry. I needed more than what that little farming town had to offer! My marriage was still draining me, now I had two kids that I was trying to raise and felt like a total failure, I felt more like an alien than I had ever felt. My prayer became, "God take me from this place, or take me from this earth!" God answered that prayer and moved us back to West Texas.
I will have to continue later as I have to get to work...and there is a small voice coming from a room saying, "Mooooommmmmaaaa!" :) I love that!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
He's official!
We got the papers in the mail yesteray! Toben is officially ours in Texas! Liberia gives a full and final adoption decree, so he was already legally ours. But in Texas, you have to do a recognition of the Liberian court decree so you can file for birth certificates, social security, etc.
It is anti-climactic, really. We didn't even have to go to court...just sign some papers, but it feels good to have the legal stuff done so he can just be Toben Petree now! Plus we got his birthdate changed to what the x-rays (and our instincts) say he is....which means he will turn four next month! He can't wait! Has no clue what being four means, but knows that birthday means presents and cake! He hasn't caught on to Christmas yet, but he can't wait for his birthday! Oh how that will change, huh?! I kind of like his innocence! We sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus" a lot around here!! He announces every time he hears the word "birthday" that he will have a Power Ranger birthday!
He has been a joy! Really, we are so blessed! As I look back over the last year and all that has happened, Toben has been a real champ! I have traveled to Liberia twice in his first year home, that would be a HUGE no-no in adoption world terms. But I serve a God that is bigger than adoption psycho babble, and he has done perfect....because you see, God knew that Toben would come to a home with a mommy that would travel internationally when He made him! So he made him with the ability to handle that! I just love that God is a God of details!
As we told him, you are now official, no sending you back! :) He just laughed! He has a great laugh!
Thank you God for my second son! Thank you that he is home this Christmas. God, you know my heart. And everytime I see my son, I see the faces of the children not home. So while I rejoice at my son being home, I ask that you bring the other sons and daughters home too! Thank you for families who haven't give up. Thank you for workers that love our children until they get to us! Thank you for sending your son....we can't wait to get our kids out of Africa and into America, yet you knowingly sent your son from heaven to earth just because of your love for us! A love I can only fathom! Thank you! What a privilege to call you Daddy!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas.....
We have a forest of trees in our living room! My sweet husband cleaned house today while I put together a 46 page report to take with me to Liberia! So we are ready to put up Christmas decos tomorrow! If you remember from last year, I John says I have a tree fetish. So we got out all the trees tonight and spread the branches and made sure the lights worked. They were all in the living room, and it really did look ridiculous to have 
that 
many trees! But I LOVE them! Everyone has their own tree that is themed to their room. I love trying to find inexpensive ways to deocrate them in the themes of their room! Callie's has shells we picked up from our beach trip, Ava's has brown pom-poms attached to ribbon on her pink tree. So it will all come out tomorrow!
that 
many trees! But I LOVE them! Everyone has their own tree that is themed to their room. I love trying to find inexpensive ways to deocrate them in the themes of their room! Callie's has shells we picked up from our beach trip, Ava's has brown pom-poms attached to ribbon on her pink tree. So it will all come out tomorrow!Toben was so excited! He was a little disappointed that the "bigger tree" didn't go in his room. But this is how he ended his night, "Dear God, thank you for my Christmas tree! Amen!" And I wiped a tear as I kissed his sweet face and tucked him in to his warm, snug, soft bed!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Is it a glimmer of light through an open door or an on-coming train?
So after the BANG, I really put adopting right now out of my mind! I even started thinking how nice it would be to just "be". No big events on the horizon...just settling in as a family of 6! John will be very excited to hear that! I know pregnancy would not be possible (unless a miracle happened) because of the health issues I have been having. So with out adopting, our family would be complete, I think. I could get used to that idea for at least a while.
There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.
Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?
I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.
I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."
As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!
Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."
What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.
There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!
Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!
But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?
So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!
There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.
Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?
I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.
I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."
As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!
Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."
What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.
There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!
Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!
But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?
So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Bang!
That is the sound of a door shutting!
I just got an e-mail from the agency. She talked to the b-mom today who now says she wants an open adoption. I am not a fan of open adoption for a multitude of reasons. I am great with letters and photos through a third party, but not total open adoption. I know that is not a popular view, but add it to the list of my not popular views!
Plus the bmom liked a family that she had already sent a profile on. So they are having a conference call on Wednesday with that family. This bmom hasn't even seen our profile, I don't think.
As I was just discussing with a friend, why does God place these desires so long before the fulfillment?
I just got an e-mail from the agency. She talked to the b-mom today who now says she wants an open adoption. I am not a fan of open adoption for a multitude of reasons. I am great with letters and photos through a third party, but not total open adoption. I know that is not a popular view, but add it to the list of my not popular views!
Plus the bmom liked a family that she had already sent a profile on. So they are having a conference call on Wednesday with that family. This bmom hasn't even seen our profile, I don't think.
As I was just discussing with a friend, why does God place these desires so long before the fulfillment?
No news
For those of you following the baby story...there is no news. The letter from the agency should have arrived at the prison Friday afternoon. I e-mailed the agency and asked if they had heard anything from the Birthmom, but I haven't gotten a response from the agency....they are not so great to get back to me!
Friday, November 14, 2008
The roller coaster of adoption!
I got word from the agency with the b-mom who is now in jail that she has sent a letter with the agency 1-800 # on it to her. That way she can call if she doesn't have the 1-800 #. She was supposed to receive the letter by this afternoon. But when can she call? Will she get a phone call this weekend?
John hasn't said I could, but I offered (disclosing that my husband hadn't given full permission) to go to wherever she is in jail and meet with her. I would LOVE to have this baby, however, I would be willing to go meet her just to keep this baby from going to the state! NO BABY DESERVES TO GO TO THE STATE!
I did find our that her other six kids are in state custody! This baby has to go to a family from the star that will keep her. I would LOVE for that to be our family, but I don't know if that is God's plan! I am open and willing, but there are some definite doors that would have to be opened for that to happen.
So please just pray for this birthmom! God will know who you are praying for! Pray that she makes an adoption plan for this baby, pray that she and this baby are kept safe...and selfishly, pray that she is ours! On that note, pray for unity in the P-tree house hold!
I definitly don't understand God's ways, but you can't say the Chrsitian walk is boring! ha!
John hasn't said I could, but I offered (disclosing that my husband hadn't given full permission) to go to wherever she is in jail and meet with her. I would LOVE to have this baby, however, I would be willing to go meet her just to keep this baby from going to the state! NO BABY DESERVES TO GO TO THE STATE!
I did find our that her other six kids are in state custody! This baby has to go to a family from the star that will keep her. I would LOVE for that to be our family, but I don't know if that is God's plan! I am open and willing, but there are some definite doors that would have to be opened for that to happen.
So please just pray for this birthmom! God will know who you are praying for! Pray that she makes an adoption plan for this baby, pray that she and this baby are kept safe...and selfishly, pray that she is ours! On that note, pray for unity in the P-tree house hold!
I definitly don't understand God's ways, but you can't say the Chrsitian walk is boring! ha!
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