The "Daily" of Discipleship

I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that.  I am sure it’s a really good post, a really good concept.  But I haven’t had time to finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for the past few weeks.

Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post today either.  I am going to be really honest right here.  I wish I could turn back.  I wish I could go back to my American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children and the need for more to speak up.  I wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children.  I wish if I was going to have to work at something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.

On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and on fire.  In a week when I have now heard two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds.  But can none of that is happening tonight as I crawl in my bed.

 

Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which really matter right now.  So what now? Do I really quit?  Do I really give up?  Do I stop just before the victory? Can I really do this another day?

The answer is Yes, I can.  And the answer is, Yes, I will.  God promises His mercies are new every morning.  In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I am able to finally close my eyes at night.  Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable.  It means denying myself! It means taking up my cross... DAILY!

I did that today.  Did I do it with joy?  No, I can’t say that I did.  But that DAILY means that I had a choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls, inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I will have the same choice.

So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled with the cross I am carrying.  But if even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now.  But just like Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less, not my will but Yours be done!” 

**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :) 

Gifts for Service

Each of you has been blessed with one of God's many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well. 1 Peter 4:10 CEV

God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!

While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!

You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.

Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!

However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!

Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!

So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!

I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)

Surviving the War Zones of Life

"Surviving the War Zones of Life" is the name of the chapter I am reading in "When Life and Beliefs Collide". I highly recommend this book for anyone who is struggling with how you continue to walk in faith when faith seems to have disappointed or you wonder where God is in so many areas of your life!

I have found that even though I am transparent, I am a stuffer! If there is an issue I really don't understand or don't want the pain of really dealing and healing, then I stuff it! I just push it down in my mind and heart until it is covered by something else and forget it is there....until God brings it to the top because He knows is will stay down there and fester and ooze and cause problems for me as I walk this journey called life with Him!

This morning was one of those times he brought a hurt to the surface.

The past year has been horrendous in the agency. Yes, the government of Liberia and the US government have lied, played the political games, cause the death of one of the children we loved and several that we know of, but that is not even the biggest wound. The biggest wound(s) have come at the hands of the Christians I have served. They have come at the hands of people who think they understand all the dynamics to running an orphanage half way around the world, but really have no clue of all that it entails. They have come at the hands of Christians who think getting a child home is more important than standing on ethics and morals during the process.

I have been slandered and accused of just about everything in the book. I will be the first to say that I haven't done everything perfect! There are times maybe I should have listened to some of the gossip from adoptive parents, but if they only know how much "he said" or "she said" I hear and that most of the time it is totally false!

I have been amazed at "Christians". I have told John so many times over the past two years - put me on an island with lost people and let me love them, PLEASE! I am so tired of Christians destroying each other and me! At least lost people have a reason to act that way...they don't know any better! We are supposed to! The word says the world will know us by our love for each other...well, no wonder we are not impacting the world anymore than we are! We would rather kill each other than find a way to work together!

All this has made me question where God was in the work that He called me to! I know he is sovereign, so I know that none of this has happened without first going through His hands. Just as He granted Satan permission to sift Job, He has allowed these things to happen. At anytime, He could have stopped them. So why didn't He? That is my overall question! He knows the pain they caused. He knows the physical effects this stress and hurt has had on my body and my mind. Yet He allowed it.....so that would always bring me back to a question that I am still wrestling with in my heart...How can a good God do that?

So I LOVED this chapter. She talked about Job and she also talked about Joseph. Joseph ended up in a prison because of his brothers. God allowed that. God, who had already told Joseph He would do great things, allowed him to be put in a pit, shackled with chains, rejected by brothers, isolated and lost from the father he adored...and yet God is good. Really? That just doesn't compute in my heart....my brain can read The Word and see that it says it, but with what I have gone through at the hands of others, my heart just isn't there yet...I am getting closer every day - I'm in a good place right now and enjoying it - but I know God is bringing up the heart and pain so I can deal with it through His Word and understand a little more about Who He Is!

Carolyn Custis James says it this way: "The war zones of life force us to take our theology seriously, to see if our beliefs about God hold up when the tragedies and perplexities of life press down upon them...Our hope in God is no better than a placebo if his plan doesn't encompass all of life - the dark side as well as the bright." If you go back and read my posts from these dark times, you will clearly see that my beliefs about God were not holding up at all under the tragedies and perplexities of life! I was flailing like a fish out of water!

James goes onto discuss the two parts of God's plan - the "revealed will" which are his statutes and commands. They are written and not a mystery. Then there is the "hidden will" which is the part that we don't know and may never know. James says, "It is important for us to see how the Bible distinguishes between these two aspects of God's will because this distinction enables us to maintain, on the one hand, that God's will (revealed) is always for us to live holy lives of obedience to his Word and, on the other hand, that God's plan (hidden will) is to accomplish his good purposes for us through everything that happens, even through the evil that takes place in his world. In a fallen world populated by sinners and relentlessly assaulted by the powers of evil, the sphere of God's reign would be minuscule indeed if it extended only to areas where his moral will was being obeyed." I have understood that, but there was a time when the pain was so much from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that I didn't want anymore of God's "good purposes"! I truly believed for a time that my plot in life was to sell myself out to Christ and live a life of sacrifice and hurt so that others could see the good of God while I was left behind in the aftermath. I wrestled for months if not a year with that concept. The enemy was trying with all his might to make me believe that was God's plan for my life. But that is not Truth! Praise God He kept speaking to me until I understood that even in the bad times, God was working for my good. Even if I don't see it, I am beginning to be able to believe it.

Which leads me to the next part of what the author said that I think strikes a chord with many of us! "Living with mystery is uncomfortable for us." Well, that is an understatement! I have always said that I can deal with whatever the outcome is in most instances, but it is the "not knowing" that kills me! It is the wait time before the answer comes that can make me insane. So the next statement is profound if I want to live a life of faith! "But faith inevitably takes us into mystery, where we don't - and won't- have all of the answers and where, from time to time, we have to affirm truths that to our finite minds seem to conflict. The paradox we are wrestling with now is that God's good purposes, his hidden will, are preserved and advanced even when the devil takes a hand in our lives, when we fall int the hands of other people, or when we, with our own two hands, pull our lives crashing down around our ears."

So I must wrestle with this: even in the hurtful words and actions of adoptive parents who went so far as to meddle with my staff in Liberia causing great strife and dissension there and limitless issues that I am still dealing with, the words that have not only been spoken in phone calls to each other that make it back to me, but that have been put on the web for all the world to read and see, God's good purposes are preserved and advanced!

That may seem like an easy statement for you. For me, as I wrestle and seek what God wants next for Addy's Hope during this time, it is excruciating! To continue any adoption program means opening myself up to this all over again! It means understanding that I can go into any adoption program with my heart - a heart for all involved in adoption: the children, the adoptive parents and the birth family - and still people will accuse me of being heartless, a liar, a cheat, ruthless and even unethical. Well, frankly, I would rather cut off my right arm! And that my friends is why God is bringing this to the top!

But let me share a positive note in this! God, the gracious God that I serve and Who is teaching me more and more about His character at this point in my life is allowing me to walk a safer path. Since turning over the orphanage to Lifesong in Liberia, and thus making Addys' Hope's future in adoptions an unknown, I have spoken to more people about adoption than I had in over a year with the agency! But here's the deal - these people are friends! They are people from our new church home who God has burned a passion for adoption and fostering. They are safe! He has allowed me a safe place to put my feet back in the water that scalded me. He is allowing me to work with people who know me. They know my heart! They know passion! So even if circumstance don't turn out like any of us planned as they most certainly did not in Liberia, they will not blame me or question my integrity or call me names. Words may not break my bones, but they definitely hurt me and break my heart and spirit! God has placed me in a safe place for now to walk in my calling! That is a good God!

Will I always be in this "safe" place? No. God will eventually take off my training wheels again and call me back into the adoption world with adoption programs that will probably cause people to question me again. And the thing I pray I have learned by then is that in those times when people try to pull me down, I can press harder into God. I will have learned a little more about his character so that I can stand stronger and not spiral into depression or despair. I will understand a little more after this season of life that God is good. That head knowledge will have moved to my heart and allow me to trust Him more than I did in the last season! And that is worth the heart ache! At least I can say that today...on a good day! And my prayer is that I will be at a point in my life where I say that EVERY day!

Pick up When Life and Beliefs Collide if you have been struggling with God's goodness in your life! I think you will find some healing in the words of a great woman theologian!

Walking this walk one step at a time,

HollyAnn

Excited about a book!

I had a friend who has followed my journeys and frustrations for several years now. She found herself in a similar situation and found an amazing book: When Life and Beliefs Collide: Knowing God Makes a Difference by Carolyn Custis James. I have just started it and am so excited to see what God reveals through this faithful women's words!

In the introduction she explains how the book came to be. It is mainly because she was struggling as I have, and I believe many others if they were honest have, with what you do when your reality doesn't line up with your theology! There are things I know in my head because I do believe that God is good, He knows and wants what is best for me. But knowing that in my head and making it mesh with the things in my life leave me perplexed many times. I know it's because I don't truly know the character of God! I know bits and pieces, but if I truly understood and knew Him like He longs for me to know Him, then I wouldn't struggle near as much.

That is basically the point of Ms. James. She had a theology professor make a statement that there are no great women theologians. That challenged Ms. James and she went on a search....first within herself. I love the analogy she uses of Mary vs Martha! How many of you have said you were one or the other? I know I have caught myself doing that. But the reality is, God wants us to be BOTH! Have you ever heard that preached before? I really haven't. Cynthia calls these categories the "women who think" (Marys) and "women who serve" (Marthas). This is what she says about our bend to place our selves in one or the other categories: "The distinction is unfortunate, for it leads women to conclude that these two spheres of life are disconnected and incompatible instead of inseparably intertwined and that theology has not put in the living of our lives." Wow! So true!!! And I believe the church of America makes this distinction like none other I have seen! And here is where I can so relate with her! "Doctrinal statements may keep us orthodox, but they don't seem to matter much when our families are falling apart and we feel hopeless." And here are a few other quotes that I can totally relate with and make me want to sit and read this whole book today!....

• "It seems to me that life's struggles are the shortest route to a deep appreciation of our need to know God better."
• "We have lived too long with a false dichotomy where we must choose between Mary and Martha. Jesus flatly rejects these categories. He calls us to be a composite of the two: women who take time to know him better and whose theology informs and emboldens their ministries to others."
• "Thinking about God's sovereignty is one thing. Connecting it with a painful personal crisis is quite a different matter...It is in the trenches that we learn it is never enough to know about God in our heads. We must know him in our hearts."
• "The ability to articulate and debate theological ideas, even from a pulpit, doesn't prove you are theologian any more than spouting facts about the United States president means you are his personal friend." - this is my favorite!!

If you are struggling through a circumstance or reality that leaves you questioning God's character or has you trying to align what you know with what you feel, I would encourage you to pick this up! We can take this journey together! Leave me a comment if you are going to be reading it and we can chat about it together! ...and thank you Priscilla for recommending it to me! I can't wait to see what God teaches me through these pages!

We are people too!

WARNING: If you are an adoptive parent, you may not want to read any further. If you do read further, please take what I say as tongue-in-cheek...well, most of it! ;) It is very sarcastic, so anyone who doesn't get my sarcasm, probably shouldn't read this either! ;) If you just flat don't like sarcasm, you are weird! Ok, sorry! That was uncalled for...what do you expect at 1:45 am when I can't sleep?! You guys are getting to see a rare side of me! Now you can all feel very sorry for John! :)

Dear adoption people,

I am writing to let you know that we adoption professionals are people too. I understand that many adoption "professionals" seem to have steel hearts. That is because they have dealt with so much heart ache they have to put on the strong face to deal with even more. While this is maybe not the most effective way to handle communications with adoptive parents, at times it becomes necessary in order to deal with all the raw emotions adoptive parents are spewing at the adoption professional. I use the term "professional" loosely here as I am well aware that there are MANY (unfortunately) people working in adoptions who are anything but professional. I have worked with some of those both as an adoptive parent as an adoption professional. It isn't fun to work with those people regardless of your position! When you care about the children, any unprofessional adoption worker drives you mad!

But we are people too...we hurt when adoptions shut down, we cry when children die, we are devastated when a parent changes his/her mind about placing a child, we struggle when adoptive parents with children home struggle with their children...I assure you we are not in this for our health! In fact, most of us have health problems brought on by stress. But we do love the children, and we do want to walk with families through one of the most heart-wrenching journeys I have ever taken and I think that is true for many adoptive families.

I digress....Please understand as you call your adoption worker that they have probably talked to 10 other adoptive parents before you who think that their case should take priority over yours. It is humanly impossible to make each case the top priority. Those of us in this for the children do our best to put the most pressing needs to move the most cases forward at the top of the priority list. Those of us who are in this because God has called us to it, spend the first moments of our day asking God to order our steps as at the end of each day the "to do" list has gotten longer and not shorter. If your task didn't make God's list, we apologize and will gladly give you His "number" for you to take it up with Him.

For those of you fortunate enough to have adoption workers who really care for the children, please understand that they are just as emotionally invested in this....probably even more so...than you are! You feel the tug on your heart and the raw emotions of the one, two, or three children you are waiting to bring home. They feel that same thing multiplied times however many children and adoptive families are in their care. When you call to tell them everything they are doing wrong, please remember all the things they have done and all the battles they have fought for you and your child. It is never wrong to question an adoption professional if you believe something fishy is going on, but when they have continually fought for you, kept you informed, etc, give them the benefit of the doubt as you question...it will go a long way! Remember that we are people too..while questioning them is not wrong, think how you feel when you are questioned despite the fact that you have given something all of your heart and most of your time. Your adoption professional is probably going to be a little defensive...this is a natural human reaction to being told you are sorry at your job. And remember that they are entitled to a private life just like you! They will have days when the burden seems too much to bear. If they communicate that to you, don't panic, reassure them as I am sure they have you many times. Don't read their blogs if you don't want to know their feelings...you post your frustrations and anger with them on your blog, they have a right to vent on their blog also! If they call you by name, sue them (well - considering what the Bible says about suing our brothers and sisters, maybe that isn't great advice...but you get my drift!), but if they are doing a general vent, don't hold it against them or don't read their blog if it bothers you!

Most importantly, please understand that no matter how well your adoption professional communicates with you, it is impossible for them to give you every little detail of every little thing! Therefore, remember that when they ask you not to do something specific, or when they tell you that something you want to do is a bad idea (especially if it might interfere with the adoption process or cause an international incident) it is wise to listen to them....they know more about the adoption process than you do. That is why they are where they are! Know that they have an understanding of the system that more than likely you don't. Heed their advice...at least give it a good long thought before you toss it to the wind and do what you want to do anyway.

If you are one of those adoption people who are fortunate enough to have a real caring adoption worker, e-mail them today and tell them how much you appreciate the way they handle themselves in this crazy adoption world! I am betting they haven't heard that from an adoptive parent in a long time...if ever! (If you are one of my adoptive parents and were brave enough to read this, I am not fishing for compliments here! :) If you know my heart for adoption, I can almost guarantee I already know that you appreciate Addy's Hope because you have already told me by the way you handle yourself in this long journey through Liberian adoptions that started at 5 months and are now up to...well, it's too depressing to write the number!)

Lastly, for those of you who think what I am saying is all just stupid and I am a whiner....open your own adoption agency! If you can process adoptions and serve adoptive families and children in need without any of these issues, then we desperately need you in the adoption community!

With warmest regards,
A Weary Adoption Worker Who Feels Much Better After Venting to the World
:)

P.S. I am weary, yes, but stay tuned tomorrow to hear an amazing story of how God graciously and lovingly refueled and confirmed my call today! Ministry is just tough and messy! But it doesn't give me a right to quit when God has called me to this work!

Words of others

So today is one of those days when I am not sure if we have won the battle or just beaten ourselves up going in circles. I really don't even have any words for today, and if I did, they would probably get me in trouble as my words seem to do so often these days, so instead of trying to say something that comes out all wrong, I will just use the words of others that have spoken to me over the past few weeks.

"When you sit down to dine with a ruler, consider carefully what is before you, and put a knife to your throat if you are a man of great appetite. Do not desire the delicacies, for it is deceptive food." Proverbs 23:1

"We want our lives to make a difference, but we don't want anyone to really know us. We only want to share the sanaitized story of our lives - just the high points" Rick Warren in the foreward to Dangerous Surrender

"Someone once asked me to define Christianity in one word, and after some reflection, I responded, "It all boils down to surrender." Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

"Do not eat the bread of a selfish man, or desire his delicacies; for as he thinks within himself, so he is." Proverbs 23:6

"Much is required from those to whom much is given." Luke 12:48

"I felt powerless to do anything about the new reality thrust in front of me. I cried out to God, "Why are you bothering me with this? There's nothing I can do about it. I'm just an ordinary person. What could one person do about such a gigantic problem?" Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

"But if we are not disturbed by the world in which we live, we will be consumed with the trivial, the insignificant, and the temporary. We will spend our days pursuing all the wrong goals, living by the wrong measurement of success, evaluating our legacy by the wrong standard." Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches." Proverbs 24:3-4

"When we sense God leading us on a journey, we want all of the information up front. We want God to fill out the travel form in triplicate, give us a detailed road map before we start the journey, and guarantee our safe arrival at the destination.....you will have to be willing got say yes in advace - to give God your answer before you've heard the question." Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

"Friend, I don't know where you are and I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause

I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always, He will be with you always" ~Building 429

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

"What does God want us to do about evil? Is there really anything one person can do? I can tell you what he doesn't want us to do - to ignore it, deny it, pretend it doesn't exist, closer our hearts and minds to it, or hope it goes away by itself. He doesn't want us to appease it, placate it, comrpomise with it, coexist with it, justify it, excuse it, or call it by another name." Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

"it [evil] must be acknowledged and dealt with...we will stop exposing it and opposing it, which allows it to settle even deeper into the dark corners of our cities, our institutions, our culture, our very lives." Kay Warren in Dangerous Surrender

"When life ceases to be about you, you become like glass and other people see through you to Christ." Kevin York

Transparency

I have promised transparency on here, so here it goes!

Here is where I am at with God...these were the last words in my journal tonight:

Are you really good, and if the answer is yes, how do I know that?

Where were you in ________(a situation I have dealt with for many years that is too private to share)?

Do you really care about me as an individual? Or am I just a part of a grand scheme and you can and will easily dispose of me and could care less about my feelings as long as your plan is accomplished.

That's it...where I am! Not too Christian sounding and very selfish sounding, but where I am at none-the-less. Please spare me all the churchy answers in your comments...I know them all! I have shared them with many people over the years....I am just at a point of wrestling with God...and this is where I am!

My Song

So this is my song right now:

Building 429 - Alway
I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, "He would've been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face"
What was I supposed to say, but

CHORUS
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside
He's barely holding onto faith
But deliverance is on its way, cause

CHORUS
I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend, I don't know where you are and I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy, if there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always,
He will be with you always

Then I would have to add a verse:

They send me notes and call my phone
Parents weary of the news and feeling all alone
Their hearts are broken and they just want their children home
But all I have to offer is my feeble attempt to explain that

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails.
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always
He will be with you always.

Wow!

Just like God to kick me in the tail right after I post a piti-party post like my last one. Received this in my e-mail today....don't know who the original author is, but it leaves no room for excuses!

Our family experienced a year of extreme trauma and loss in 2008. In the midst of it all we stood firm on the promise that God would never leave us or forsake us. We praised Him in the midst of sorrow. We praised Him in the midst of confusion. We praised Him no matter what was going on because for years we had declared that our God was a good God. When the hard times come you have opportunity to take your experience with the Lord to a higher level of trust. He is not only good when we understand it all....He is good when we don't understand any of it. Loving God with everything you have is more than theory or philosophy...it is a way of living. I have learned so much more of God's love and provision through difficulty than I would have ever learned otherwise. It is easy to give the enemy place and justify our sin. Bitterness, anger, and other destructive behavior can enter in and take us down quickly. I thank God for His faithfulness and the presence of the Holy Spirit on my life.

blahhhh

Just a blah day. Don't want to do anything. Want to pretend Liberia doesn't exist. Want all the problems associated with adoption and Liberia to go away. Just want to go to a deserted island with my children and live out our days there playing in the sun and collecting shells.

God's sense of humor

Ok, I really don't have time to post, but since I work alone, sometimes I just need to post so someone hears me! :) And the irony of my day today just had to be shared!

So I am leaving for Liberia soon...haven't posted about it as I have many enemies that try to block my work in Liberia, so I need to keep them guessing right now!

But I really needed to work today. Lost on my "to-do" list to prepare for a trip, and this is a day when the little ones are in Children's Day Out. But God, in his sense of humor that I really don't understand most times, sees fit to allow Toben to come down with a stomach virus today. So about 20 minutes after I arrived at the office, I get a call that he has thrown up. So I pick him up and now at home working and loving on my sick boy!

The irony is that I am literally calling government officials inbetween pukes! It just hit me as hilarious..I actually laughed out loud! Only a mommy can find herself calling Liberia and Congress while cleaning up puke! You mommies out there can relate, I am sure! :)

Siiiiiiiigh......

Somedays you just wonder if God has turned your world upside down for a reason, or He just likes to play with you. Having a couple of those days. Ready to be back on top, but can't seem to get myself up there! Can't wait until the day I see Jesus Face to Face and all this world is behind me!

Haven't done my Bible study yet today....need to.....not really wanting to talk to the Big Man right now....pretty upset with Him.....wonder where He is right now....know all the right answers, but having a hard time convincing my heart that it is all true!

Character

This is one of those mornings where God has caused me to really look deep. To wrestle with what I know to be true and what I believe God has called me to or asked me to do.

I have said many times that the problem with Romans 5:3-5 (we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope) is that you have to want character! I want the hope at the end, but that character part in the middle just sometimes seems way overrated for what I have to "persevere" to get to it. You see, out world doesn't value character! They value results and possessions! Do most business men make decisions based on character or on the bottom dollar? Do most adoption agencies make decision based on character or on getting child home with a 'the ends justifies the means' mentality? Even me, as a Christian, when God calls me to an assignment, do I focus on the character it is bringing or the final goal? Well, I have to say the final goal! I want that "aha" moment that will bring the warm fuzzies of knowing God fulfilled his promise! The satisfaction of knowing I fulfilled God's call in that assignment!

I know that the journey is more important than the outcome. You have heard me talk about head knowledge versus heart knowledge before. But I would have to say that truth is still head knowledge. I haven't fully embraced it! Because I still find myself focused on the end and not the character being built or the journey to get there. I want the straight line from God's call to the fulfilment. But God's way is the winding path that takes me from glory to glory as He builds my character all along the path!

How does that apply right now? Well, you all know that God has laid a baby on my heart! I want to adopt right now a little baby African American girl more than anything. I know that is a desire from God, He has made clear that is a direction He has given me. I know that with out a doubt. However, the part that I think I have been ignoring is the winding path to get to that little girl! He called me to it, so let's find her, adopt her and get to the end! But God is saying, "I am calling you to bring child number 5 home. So let's start that path. I need you to move closer to me. I need you to be more organized and more responsible with your finances. This character will be necessary for you to be the mother of five children, the wife to your husband and the director of an adoption agency in a way that will bring me glory. I demand excellence. With out these character traits, bringing another child in will be just more chaos, and I am not a God of chaos and do not want you representing me to the world as you walk in faith as chaos." OUCH! But oh so true! I hear the direction and I want to jump to the end! I have always had that issue! But I see now where God has me on a journey! He has planted a seek and is asking me to surrender in every are to Him so that He can grow character in me as He brings about the fulfillment of what He has planted in me.

Man, that is so easy to write! So easy to "understand" but oh so difficult to put into practice. But as of this morning, no more whining! I have already noticed that God is giving me motivation to do things towards organization that have stalled me in times past. And even as I type this, He has reminded me that currently I need more room on my lap....I have two "babies" that might possibly need a little more "character" themselves before I add number five. As I was typing this paragraph with Ava on my lap, Toben walks up and pats my leg. Ava moves over to one leg and Toben climbs up on the now empty one. Just a little reminder from God that while I wait, He has already blessed me with a full lap and two little ones to type around and peak in between their heads at the computer screen!

I have to give my sweet husband credit where credit is due! I took my lesson this morning to him and he graciously walked me through it allowing God to use him to show me these points! Thank you John, and thank you God, for John!

jet lag

Today is the day I hate when I have to go to Liberia...the jet lag hits bottom! I am sitting here trying to work, but my head keeps hitting the computer. It is such a weird feeling, and I hate it!

So I am going to get up and unpack mysuitcases...maybe I can do that and stay awake! :) I will try to post more pics from my trip tonight. I got to meet Patricia and Gennifer that we raised money for their scholarships. That was awesome! I spent quite a bit of time with Patricia. Kind of feels like she is my little sister in Liberia! They are going to Ivory Coast for Christmas to try to find their mother. They have heard she is there, and they have not seen her since they got separated during the war. And my kids biggest issue for Christmas is whether they will get all the toys they want or not. It just amazes me that two such different worlds can exist in the same time frame! I just don't get it!

This post has been a long time coming! - Part Three

Boy you guys get ugly when I don't finish a story!

So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.

So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?

There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!

But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.

In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.

Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!

But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.

On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.

I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*

So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!

I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!

So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!

I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "

And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!

I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!

I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!

So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!

This post has been a long time coming! - Part Two

So I did explode...several times! My kids thought there mom had lost her mind, I am quite sure. I can remember one time having to leave the house and walk around it several times to calm down and wondering if I really was losing it! John would just look at me like I was nuts, well I probably was!

I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!

Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!

I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!

He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!

He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!

So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!

to be continued........

This post has been a long time coming!

Over the past year, I have made several references to something I would post later. I had started the post in a word document, then my computer crashed. So I am going to just hack away at this until I have it all out there. Maybe I will get it all done tonight, or maybe it will be a multiple post story....

I touched on some of my story here. But that was not the whole of it.

I am really not sure when it all started. It was probably late in 2007. I started having problems thinking. It got the point that I couldn't even finish a sentence with out someone giving me the word. It was driving me nuts! I had suffered pretty severe postpartum depression with Ava, even took medicine for a few months. It felt like that was coming back, but everyone said it was too long after the birth for it to be postpartum. So I just went on, living with the issues and telling myself I had to press on! I am the queen of "press on"!

As you know, we took a trip in January of this year to pick up our sweet Toben. On that trip, many things happened. One of the biggest is that a man saw us having dinner (our 4 families and three families from another agency...there were a bunch of us white people with black children!). The guy was from UNICEF but was working with the government to do something...never really was sure what. Didn't really care either! By the next morning, he had "reported" us to the Ministry of Health. The Deputy Minister (who by the way has live in the US for 20 years and whose family STILL lives here!) had put our children's visas on hold and sent out letters stating that we were to be arrested if we tried to cross the borders with our children. So that started a 5 day battle to get our children out.

Turns out the deputy minister had NO RIGHT to do what he did as we already had our papers (including the report from HIS office that was required for the adoptions!). So we were able to get our children home. However, there was a ton of emotions that I experienced. I was there as an agency director, but also as an adoptive mother. John and I both had to wear many caps that trip. We got to see God move mountains, and it was awesome! But it took its toll on my already worn out faith, strength, mind and emotions. I really had to face the fact that I could once again leave a child in Africa, at an airport. It wasn't until we were on the way (very late!) to the airport about 45 minutes before out plain was to take off that we found out we had clearance from all branches of the government and would be allowed on the plane with our children. We refer to that trip as the time we saw the Red Sea part and we walked through it!

By the time we got home, the story had hit international media. There were articles on msnbc and yahoo that said I had been involved in child trafficking and "sneaked" the children out of the country. It was all false, crazy accusations, but still, they were out there for the whole world to see! I seriously didn't know if the FBI was going to knock on my door and arrest me. I know that sounds crazy and dramatic, but when you know the seriousness with which the state department takes child trafficking, and you have a high ranking government official (the same one mentioned earlier!) in a country being quoted as saying you "sneaked" children out of his country, it makes you wonder! We spent the next few days talking to the State Department and a dear friend of ours who has connections in DC to clear our name and make sure there would be no ramifications from this on our side.

So not only was I dealing with all that, but I was also trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 and having a new little man in the house who didn't know the rules and who really messed up pecking order in the P-tree home! Add on top of that 19 families who had heard bits and pieces of our week, but really didn't know for sure what was going on or what it meant for their children. I understood their need for info, but I was really just in need of a break! But no break would come! So I pressed on! (see, there it is again!)

I pressed on through that crisis, through Toben getting settled and Ava getting used to another "baby" in the house. Toben needed lots of hugs and cuddles as can be expected with what he had just experienced! Ava wasn't so sure about sharing her momma! And as many of you know (and I will try to post more on at some point), I don't bond quickly with my adopted children. So while all this was going on, I was trying not to project everything I felt about this country onto my child who just came from there! That was probably one of the hardest parts in those first few weeks!

I assured all my parents that I would continue to fight for their children as if they were my own, and I did. I fought the government, I fought parents who didn't think I was doing enough, I fought feelings of desperation because there was nothing more I could do, I fought personal attacks from parents on blogs (I have learned to be VERY careful which blogs I read!). Add on to that issues in my home. Marriage issues over expectations as the agency took more and more of my time which meant less and less was spent with family and on keeping the house running smoothly. I truly was a time bomb ticking, just waiting to explode.

to be continued..............................................

Excitment

I don't have time to post it all right now, but I am just so excited that I had to post to my cyber friends! I woke up this morning with an excitement that I could not explain! Maybe it was the 12 hours of sleep I got because I had to take Benedrayl because I had another food allergy attack last night...but I know it was more than that! :)

I have been on cloud nine all day! The sermon this morning was given by a guest speaker, and it was AMAZING!!!! When it is on podcast, I will post it here because ALL of you struggling need to hear it! The title was "Staying on the Road". When things get tough, we have to stay on the road! That has been the theme of my life in 2008.

Another reason for my excitment is that John and I are talking at the college ministery's service tonight at Mid-Cities where we are going to church. I NEVER get to talk about this part of our ministry. It will not be focused on adoption, but on what God has done in two ordinary people's lives because one day when they were folding laundry, they decided to walk in obedience and look into opening an adoption agency! I can't wait to tell these young people that God has a plan for their lives that is so big, they can't even imagine it! That no matter what their past or present is, God wants to use them in unimaginable ways!!!! I just can't wait to talk about my favorite subject....JESUS!!!!

We have to do more!

Ok, I know I have said that a thousand times, but really, WE HAVE TO DO MORE!!! I don't care how much you think you are doing right now (yes, I am telling myself the same thing) you and I have to do more! Did you know that the home country of my Addy and Eden is NUMBER ONE in the WORLD for infant and under 5 mortality? And Liberia, the home country of my son is number 3 in the WORLD!!! In Sierra Leone, 160.3 babies of every 1,000 live births die, and 278.1 children out of every 1,000 die before they reach their 5th birthday! My Addy is part of that statistic people! These are not just numbers! I have a picture of my sweet girl looking at me right now on my shelf and I have shed tears on the fresh dirt that covered her tiny body.

In Liberia, 132.5 babies out of every 1,000 live births die and 205.2 children out of every 1,000 die before they read their 5th birthday! My son came home at 3...what if he hadn't? He might have been one of these statistics!

We have a baby who was! Sweet Marion died at nine months. We don't know why? The doctors couldn't tell us. She was in the hospital, receiving fluids, antibiotics and blood, but she still died.

Watch this!


We HAVE TO DO MORE!!!

If you agree, go to our website: http://www.addyshope.com/, click on the "more than adoption" button and donate towards David's Peanut Butter Shack that we will be building next to our orphanage to give life saving vitamin enriched peanut butter paste to the malnourished children of Liberia! We are going to drop those numbers! We can make a difference! Liberia will be off the top 50 by the time we get done! I am not a name it and claim it type of person, but I know God has put this passion in me for a reason, and I refuse to stop until we have no more childrne dieing because of malnutrion or God takes me home, whichever comes first! Will you join me?

I knew I loved Abraham!

I love it when I find a new treasure in the Bible..something I know I have read a thousand times, but it is fresh and new because of where I am in my life right now.



I was reading in Exodus and came across chapter 18: 20-32. God reveals his plans for Sodom and Gomorrah to Abraham. So Abraham "bargains" with God! He asks God, "will you indeed sweep away the righteous with the unrighteous?" The men in the Bible who question God's motives or direct statements always intrigue me! Probably because I find myself doing that too! Some would say, God is God and that is just the way it is! You don't question Him. I agree that GOd is God and that is just the way it is, but I think He loves our questions when brought with the right heart! He wants us to know Him intimatly, and how will we do that without asking the hard questions?! But the next part is what is the best!



God doesn't say, "Away with you mear man! I am God and I will do as I wish whether righteous or unrighteous!" No, not my God! He responds (vs 26), "So if I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, ehtn I will spare the whole place on their account." Wow! He listened to Abraham! He agreed to spare the whole city because of just 50 (there are a month of Sundays of lessons in that one little thought!). But it gets better!



Abraham had the guts to go even farther! Verse 27-28 tells us that Abraham apologizes for talking to the Lord because his is but "dust and ashes", but he goes ahead and asks if five were missing from the city? Would God destroy a whole city because of five? And once again, God concedes! He agrees to spare the entire city if he finds only 45 righteous people. It goes on and on like this until Abraham gets down to 10! God agrees to spare the whole city if He can find just 10 righteous people!



Now the sad ending is that not 10 could be found....God allowed Lot and his wife to escape (she is the one who looked back and became a pillar of salt). Out of a whole city not 10 righteous could be found! Sadly, I wonder what God would find in our town in the US today!

That is not the part I love about this story though...the part I love is a man who would stand before God, be real, and ask the tough questions! I am off to ask some tough questions myself!