Heavenly Father Knows Best

When God said to move from our 7th house in just 8 years of marriage, I wasn't exactly respectful in my reply...in fact, I think it went something like "are you kidding me?!"  But He said to move for a swimming pool and a 5th bedroom.  We only had three children at the time!  And we were in a nice, comfortable, three bedroom, two bath home.  But God said move, so we started looking!

Today as I enjoyed one of our numerous family times in the pool, connecting and playing with 5 of our 7 children, I was reminded of how God sees the future that we have not a clue is around the corner!  God knew when he told us to move that the next 5 years would bring 4 more children.  He knew that 5th bedroom would go from a luxury to a necessity.  He knew the bedrooms that I thought were quite the waist of space because they are HUGE compared to most bedrooms these days along with their double walk in closets in each room were going to be a huge blessing to our now equally as HUGE family! He knew that the pool would provide one of the few activities that all our children with their 16 year age difference would enjoy....and it's free!

As I reflect on that, it makes some of the things God is telling me today to do that seem quite unnecessary, a little more exciting!  I could never have dreamed what the pool and 5th bedroom would mean!  Makes me want to jump into obedience in the areas God is asking me to walk right now with great anticipation of what is just around the corner that I can't see yet....but He knows!  It's a great reminder that God always knows what's best and will guide me in the paths that will bring me to more than I could ever hope or imagine if I will simply focus on Him and walk in obedience!

And now to consume some pizza with my amazing kiddos and fabulous husband while we end our Sunday family day with a movie!  Ever so thankful for the family God has built...truly a family built on faith!

The Journey: Loving the Hurt While You're Hurt

It has been a rough three weeks. The honeymoon is most definitely over! For all of us! Isabella is still doing amazing! Truly, when I stop and think where we could be, I know we are blessed beyond measure. But even with that, It. Is. HARD!

This past week, my biggest struggle is learning how to love the hurt through my own hurts. Just this morning, as I prayed and begged God from relief from the battles, He revealed to me that my struggle right now is in having to love a child unconditionally through my human heart that is hurting over my own wounds. I am so thankful that God's love is not mine! I am so thankful that He loves me with a love only He can give! Our amazing Pastor is actually doing a sermon series on that right now, but we missed this Sunday because Ava was sick. Can't wait to catch it on the website and can't wait to hear this weeks! While I am thankful for the love God gives me, I am realizing more and more how flawed the love I offer my children is.

Over the past three weeks, I have felt myself pulling back from my children...all of them. Not just "the adopted ones", but all of them. I have become more and more overwhelmed with the demands of loving, training and guiding six children. I have entertained the idea many times over the past few weeks that the critics were right, and we have too many kids. Then days like yesterday happen when I realize I have missed soccer sign-ups and baseball sign ups. We didn't know about a parent meeting at honors choir, so couldn't stay because one parent was home with 3 kids + a sleeping baby and the 6th child had to be picked up from track before the parent meeting would be over. I just kept thinking, "if we didn't have this many kids, we wouldn't have this problem right now." Monday Noah was walking in front of me and I looked down to see his ankle above his socks above his shoe. This means his pants are WAY too short! Over night, the kid has outgrown his pants...AGAIN! Immediately, I hear a voice say, "Now you LOOK like a family with a bunch of kids! Your son's pants aren't even long enough! If you didn't have all these kids you would have noticed sooner and you would have the money to go buy new ones right now instead of having to wait until payday!" My friend Emily and I have always joked about looking like "one of those" families with all the kids! While we can joke about it, it really is a real battle of fear and image that I seem to be fighting more and more lately.

I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually exhausted.

The thing is, I know that each of these things I am talking about are attacks from the enemy. I have amazing friends around me who send me e-mails filled with truth that I really don't want to hear at the time, but appreciate their honest truth none-the-less. But because of my hurts from the past few years with God and some people close to me, I have a hard time believing those truths right now. Which ultimately boils down to my trust issues with God rearing their ugly head again! Yuck!

I shared my fears about adopting an older child at the time we were considering bring Isabella into our family. I had real fears about my ability to emotionally and spiritually support even one more person. Those fears come from some real struggles that are currently happening in our family life. But as the reality of all that mothering six children means has come to pass, those fears have become reality. It is scary. It is overwhelming. It looks impossible.

But what is the truth? The truth is God hand picked each of these children to be in our family. His fingerprints are all over every single one of their births and adoptions. Each one of them truly were not planned by John or me! Even Callie who we say is our only "planned" child was conceived after a miscarriage ~ had we not lost our first baby, Callie would not be here. Every other child has a God print on their existence in this family, including the one I'm carrying...and don't get me started about thinking about adding a newborn to the mix!

The Truth is also, as one dear friend reminds me frequently, satan wants our family to fail. He wants John and I to divorce. He wants us to give up on parenting Isabella (it would truly be giving up on parenting, not on her because she is amazing!). He wants us to be poor examples of Christ followers to our children so that they grow up thinking following God in hard things makes you bitter and angry. He wants us to turn down any other children that God may already have planned for us. NO, I'm not looking for any! But with my feelings right now, I never would even be open to more children.

The truth is satan wants me to believe that I can't do this. I find myself saying it all the time, "I can't do this." But that is not what the Word says! It says, I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength! God, if I let him, can heal my hurts so that I can love my children despite my hurts.

As you guys know, I'm transparent..and in light of that, I'll just share....I'm not there yet! I'm struggling. I'm trying to believe God for the promises that have been spoken over this baby and our year. I was at a birthing center last week praying for a friend as she walked out a promise from God that she would successfully deliver a baby totally naturally after two c-sections. God has used her experience over the past week to speak to me when I chose to listen. John and I are in an all out war for our family right now. These promises that have been spoken over us would be healing of 13 years worth of hurt and disappointment. These promises would mean our family would be healthier than it has ever been....yes, even with six, soon to be seven, children! Since I've had c-sections on both my births, I don't have the experience that my friends who were with me at the birth center have had. As I heard them talk and we prayed for strength and perseverance and bound fear and cast it out for our friend, I know God was implanting that analogy in my heart. John and I are in labor with our family. I am at that point where fear sets in. I am at that point were the pain seems like it will never end and is not worth it! The ladies all talked about how towards the end it gets so hard you want to quit, but if you persevere, you end up with this amazing little baby and a euphoria that cannot be described! I think about my amazing friend who delivered all 10 lbs and 11 oz of her sweet baby boy that night - totally naturally! And I am encouraged to keep laboring through this process. It's ugly, it's messy, it's not fun, but it's necessary to produce that family God desires for us and the healing He has promised us. It's necessary to love my hurting daughters who need more love and reassurance from me than I feel like I can offer in my own wounded state. So today, which is what God tells me to only be concerned with, I'm going to kick fear out and walk in belief and faith that God will bring to pass that which He promised. I will not allow the enemy to taunt me with the failures of the past or the disappointments of the past. And try desperately to be as confident as those last sentences sound! :)

Valiant Warrior

I have been praying a series of scripture prayers over my home and family for a couple of weeks now. They are amazing! I can literally feel the mood in our home lift. I need to pray them again right before the kids come home now that school has started.

Today, as I was praying, for John, one of the prayers was Judges 6:12, "The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said to him, "The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior." God impressed on me that I needed to share this with John...God sees him as a valiant warrior! Isn't that awesome? I love it!

But as I read the context of the scripture so that I could know what it was that God was asking me to share with John, I realized God pointed me there for me as well as John. Maybe not the valiant warrior part, but the versus before and after that spoke to me greatly!

The first part of chapter 6 are the words God spoke to a prophet of that time. Verse 10 (the end of where my Bible divides the first section of that chapter) ends with, "But you have not obeyed me." So this is where things change! Up to this point in chapter 6, God has rescued Israel. He has taken them out of bondage and provided them with victory in every battle they have touched.

Enter Gideon. He is going about beating the wheat into wine "in order to save it from the Midianites. Then the angel of the Lord appeared to him and said to him, 'The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior'." Then HollyAnn said, well, that is not exactly what the Bible says, but it COULD! "Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about"...oh my! Ever have your words appear to you in the Bible after you have said them? I have said "if God is for us, or if He is with us, then why has all this happened???? I have said that to John probably tens if not hundreds of times over the past 3 or 4 years. It seems that each time we step out in faith, the ending is less than favorable!

The Lord's answer? "Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midiean, Have I not sent you?" When GOD send us, we have victory! Wow! It gets even better! Gideon then answers again, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." How many times have you listed all the reasons you can't do what God told you to do? I don't have enough energy for one more child, Lord. I am just a housewife in West Texas, I can't turn the heart of Liberian leaders. I am just human, I can't hold this relationship together. I am already doing so much, I can't add one more thing to my plate. The list goes on and on!

You know what God says to that list? "Surely I will be with you." (emphasis mine). The Lord then tells him that Gideon WILL defeat the enemy as just one man! Gideon still isn't sure! I love that! I love that God shows us in His word His servants that have gone before us that were just as unsure as I am from time to time! Gideon has seen the angel of the Lord and he still wants more confirmation this is what he is supposed to do. Ever done that? I'm guilty! So the angel of the Lord takes the soup that Gideon prepared for him and pours is on a rock. Then he reaches out a staff to it and "fire sprang up from the rock and consumed" it! Well, if he had any doubts left, that did it!

But it gets better! Oh how I love God's Word! Even though Gideon knew without a doubt what God was asking him to do, he was scared to do it! Been there? You know that you know that God has given you a command. And with all your heart you long to obey, but fear is still there. Have we sinned? Not yet! The sin comes in if we let the fear stop us. If we, like Gideon, proceed in our fear to obedience, we have not sinned, but shown God in His full glory and strength! In my weakness (and fear) He is strong! Verse 27 of chapter 6 says, "Then Gideon...did as the Lord had spoken to him; and because he was too afraid of his father's household and the men of the city to do it by day, he did it by night."

I love it! He was still afraid, so afraid that he performed what he was told to do in the dark of night. But he did it! He followed God's voice and command to walk in obedience.

I can list a dozen or more things that God has called me to do and after arguing with Him about why I am highly unqualified to do it, I proceeded 'in the dark' for fear of the thoughts or reactions of those closest to me.

I think of this a lot as I talk to families about adoption...especially inter-racial adoption. Many of the older generations, and some even of current generations, don't understand and truly believe in their core that mixing colors is an abomination of God. I am sure Gideon's family thought that destroying the alter to Baal was an abomination to say the least, but who was right? What if Gideon had succumb to the attitudes of his family.

Now, I'm not saying this gives anyone the right to go rogue and be arrogant with family in the things God has called them to, but I am saying that God gives us a perfect example here of a man who had to go against the wishes of his family in order to obey God.

I can honestly say that neither of our families think we should add kids to our life. The fact that we are considering another foster placement just has them puzzled and scared for us. And it makes me doubt my ability to do what God has called me to, makes me think I must be mistaken in being open to another placement. Probably could say they felt the same about the addition of Baby Girl as well. They have accepted Baby Girl. My parents have been a life saver in all that we have had to do for her with her being a foster child. They have helped me out to the point that I know I couldn't have done it without them! So I don't in anyway want to paint either of our parents in a negative light here. But I do want to encourage those who are facing opposition from their families. It doesn't have to just be adoption...maybe God is calling you to sell your possessions and move to a mission field over seas, maybe God is telling you to leave a lucrative career in order to pursue a passion that God has put inside you, whatever it is God is telling you to do, DO IT! Don't let the opposition of family or friends who mean well in their criticism keep you from obeying God!

Go for it because, "the Lord is with you, O valiant warrior!"

The Journey: Time with the family

So today we spent a couple of hours with the family - Baby Girl's maternal grandmother and half-siblings. It is all just so surreal. I have never been a cheerleader for open-adoption, and still am not really, just one more way I am politically incorrect in the adoption world. However, I am enjoying seeing where this relationship with Baby Girl's family goes. The grandmother respects boundaries, in fact, we haven't really had to put any up because she is very guarded about being intrusive. We text off and on to update her on Baby Girl's progress, and I e-mail her pictures every now and then.

It has put me in a position I never really wanted to be in, but at the same time am enjoying. God, once again, is stretching me, and this time, it is pretty enjoyable! From some of the questions Noah asks, I feel having a relationship with Baby Girl's biological half-siblings will be beneficial. We will have answers for her that we don't have for Noah. We have told Baby Girl's Grandmother from the beginning that we want to maintain contact with her and the children. We will let Baby Girl dictate what the "contact" looks like. If at anytime when she is older, it becomes confusing or she asks to not be involved with the biological family, we will honor that. It is unfamiliar ground...quite unnatural territory as you look at children who look just like the mother of the baby you hold and care for and wonder if she will look just like them? You know the pain some of those children have been through in years past, and you pray that the baby you love as your own for today will never have to face those same pains.

Not really sure what emotions are going through me right now...not really sure what to do with what emotions I have. This is all unfamiliar, unnatural and unreal! I feel like I am on the outside looking in so many times as I have always said I wanted to foster, but just couldn't do it because I couldn't let go. Some days, I stare at the chunky cheeks creased in a smile at me and wonder how I got here! How did I end up with this precious baby girl sitting in my lap staring up at me with such trusting eyes? Will I ever have to let those eyes go? Will I ever have to tell her good-bye? If I do, will I survive? Well, the answer to that is "yes", but sometimes it feels like it would be "NO!"

As I struggle through the emotions sometimes, God gently reminds me of something He gave me several weeks ago when I was talking to a friend about fostering. I realized as I talked about my fears of letting Baby Girl go, and God quietly spoke, "You are only promised today with all of your children. I have not promised you tomorrow with any of them." As I hear those words, Addy's sweet face, the one from the only picture we have of her, crept into my mind! The sound of Eden screaming as she was ripped from my came flooding through my ears - and I knew He spoke Truth. Today is all I am promised with any of my children! I don't love my other four children less because there is a chance they will not be here tomorrow. Why would I love her any less either? So my saying now is that we love Baby Girl for today because for today, she is ours! Tomorrow will come and then it will be today, and if we have her, we will love her....just as I do all my children!

And so The Journey continues....

First Family Swim

Today was our first family swim! (that translates into: today was the first day the water was warm enough for John and I to get in! ) It was also Baby Girl's first swim! It was a great day! My brother and sister-in-law were here from Indiana. My brother and Dad helped John fix our van. We all had lunch together and the ladies and kids swam while the guys worked on the car. Then later in the evening John came and swam with us. This is why I love summer! We get to spend time outside as a family!

I think I will finish the day with a little time scrapbooking! That will be the perfect end to a perfect day!

P.S. And now I have proof from the photo of Noah that when I say my children are climbing the walls, I mean it! :)

Today

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:34

John took Ava to get her blood work done early this morning. He took her yesterday, but no one had told us she had to fast for 12 hours, so they went back this morning. That is done.

We were even able to get the "pee in a cup"! You got to love doing that with a three year old! They even gave us little bags that 'attach' to her to try to collect it. OK, I know, TMI!

Tests are officially done, now we wait. Not sure how to really wait for something like this, but I figure there is no use worrying about what we don't even know what we are worrying about! All tests could come back totally normal or just a dietary issue that requires some adjustments in our diet and physical/occupational therapy. I am learning everything in life is relative! That might have sounded horrible in days past, but when you stare a terminal illness in the face for your child, diet and therapy send you dancing in the streets!

I have lots of peace today. Probably because I have SO MUCH to get done over the next two weeks personally and agency wise that it is easy to keep my mind distracted! Plus, I just keep thinking that if Ava had been the last child instead of the first to go in for the well-visit, we wouldn't have known any of this until the end of July! So for at least a little while I can put it to the back of my mind and go on with life as usual.

So for today, with all we can do for now done, I will not worry about tomorrow...today has enough to do on its own!

My Family!

The only family picture we have had since Toben came home was the one my dad took of us all in the Orphanage Project T-shirts! I am ashamed to say as the picture freak that I am we had not had pictures made since he came home!

But that is no longer true! My dear friend Rachel Austin at rachelaustinphotography.com took some amazing pictures of my family!

Enjoy!

Forget it all....

So what do you do when you just came home from four days away at a conference about the hurting children in the world, the bags need to be unpacked, the house needs to be put back in order after your fabolous in-laws did their best to keep it all in order while they loved your kids....well, you forget it all and have a swim and hot dog party in the backyard! And that is exactly what we did Sunday night and here are the pictures to prove it!

I love my new church!

I cannot say enough good about my new church, Mid-Cities. It is not perfect - it is made up of people just like me. At some point, I will be offended or hurt while being there. It is a family, don't we always get hurt or offended by family? But when that happens, I will pray through it, and do as God directs! We work it out!

What do I love about it? Well, they love people! That is my heart, and I believe that is the heart of God! People! They are constantly seeking ways to take the the people in this family from where they are to the next step in their faith journey. Isn't that what it is all about? Aren't we all supposed to be growing from glory to glory? But the cool thing about Mid-Cities is that they don't just talk about it, they do it! Wow! What a concept! They don't have it all figured out. They don't have the road map or the 10 year plan...well, not as far as I know anyway. They just ask what the people need then try to get the tools in their hands as quickly as possible. We just joined a few weeks ago. Do you know one of the questions that was on the member information sheet? What is your dream for the Kingdom of God? Really???? They want to know what my dream is? They want to know what God is calling me to?? I went from a place that specifically told me, "We will walk with you as a person, but we will not walk with your ministry." That would be great if I knew how to separate the two, but as far as I know, I am one in the same. And now I have found a place that cares about what God is doing in the lives of the believers that He sends to them! Wow! What a marvelous concept.

Funny thing is, we visited Mid-Cities when we first moved to this area almost 5 years ago. I couldn't hack it. It was too much for me! I just wasn't ready spiritually. I still had God in a box! My box wasn't big enough for the God this church serves. That is a post for another time.

The leadership and the people of Mid-Cities believe in the power of God! I LOVE THAT! They pray expecting things to happen. They encourage us to pray expecting things to happen. They believe the sky is the limit as long as God is at the wheel. Praise God!

Daniel, our senior pastor, is younger than me. I love that too! But there are seasoned saints on staff as well. There is a balance! We need the ones who have been there and done that! Daniel is a wonderful teacher. If you want to hear some really practical sermons for walking with God, check out the website: www.midcities.org.

Happy New Year!

I am three days late posting this! Doesn't seem like that be on time thing will be happening this year either! :) Oh well! Better late then never is my motto!

A wonderful friend of mine took these pictures while I was in Liberia. These are two of my favorites! Her name is Sarah Stepan, and she has just started doing photography professionally. She nannied for us while I was gone and she and John surprised me with the pictures when I got home. These are going on the Happy New Year cards I am sending out (since I didn't get Christmas cards out!)...

Here is the P-tree clan...we are running together into 2009!

T-minus 5 days and counting!

I leave for Liberia on Saturday! Kind of an unexpected trip, but one God has laid on my heart, so I am going!

Was feeling bad with head cold/flu stuff on Wednesday of last week, Thursday was in ER all day with what the dr says is a "bug" (Dr. Mom says it is a gall bladder attack, and she is usually right about these things!), Friday was wiped out all day because of drugs, etc from Thursday. Sunday had previous commitments that kept me from doing anything on the trip. This morning am still fighting the cold/flu that has left me singing bass with little effort and a list a mile and a half long to get done!

I LOVE this time of year! I am heart sick to leave my children during this magical time between Thanksgiving and Christmas! Yet, I am so excited to get to visit my "other children" during this same time! I am totally torn between two worlds!

So I will get off the computer and get to work!

Is this a sign...

....that we have lost control??!!!

I promise he has not seen this around here! :)
And here is the fact that hit the tree!

Another P-tree first!

Well, we have our first broken bone! Guess which one it is......























Drum roll please.........

Yes, my sweet, laid back Ava fell off the couch Thursday night and landed just right. She broke one of the bones in her forearm. She has been a real trooper! They thought they would have to give us pain medicine with codeine and she is not even taking tylenol! She is like her momma! Hee!Hee!

Right now it is just in a splint with ace bandage. Our pediatrician is making an appointment for with a orthopedic doctor to set it and get a cast. It did not break all the way through, so they said that would be ok.

Oh, and Noah ran into a tree today. Yes, that is right. He ran smack dab full speed into a tree! So he has a swollen lip, black gums and black face. We don't take them anywhere together for fear of beign arrested for child abuse! Just kidding!

Two first for the P-trees!

This was a busy Sunday, but a blessed one too! We visited another church this morning. It felt more like home, but it is much like our last church and that makes me almost want to run the other direction. I am just really confused!

After church we took naps. Then we went to a carnival here that a Catholic church puts on to raise funds for the year. This was the first time in YEARS that our kids had gone to a carnival. We had promised them with a little of our earnings from our garage sale, we would do something we wouldn't ordinarily do because of our budget..so they picked the carnival! So here are some shots from that! We had a blast! I rode the Tornadoe with Callie and Noah, then I was done! They stopped right before I thought I was going to be really sick! Getting old is not fun! John rode the Superman with Noah. Then Toben and Ava drove motercycles and flew high in an airplane! I was so proud of them both...they were way brave!

Callie tried to win a goldfish. Since she didn't win and we didn't get to ride many rides (when did tickets go up to $1 a piece????!!!!!), we took the kids to Petsmart and bought each of them a goldfish, then to Wal-Mart for a cheap bowl and fish food! So here is Callie's fish, "Goldie". Ava's is "Bird"??? Toben's is "Orange", and Noah's is "Rocky Road" The whold fish adventure was less than a ride for all four kids at the carnival and I think they got just as big of a thrill out of it! Callie has been begging for a hamster, and Noah wants a snake. So the fish are a good test to see how "responsible" they can be! If we get to grumbling about feeding and cleaning the bowl, then we know we are not ready for pets of our own yet!

And these are just some pics from our visit with our friends! I didn't get as many as I wanted, but I tell you none of the kids were still long enough to have pictures made! It was a crazy day! And I LOVED it! I love it when the house is full of kids...especially several with little dark faces!

Where are the boys?

John and I were able to get out of town with out the children last week as he had a retreat he was running in Fredericksburg.......one of my favorite towns. It is also where my aunt and uncle live, so we went to their house and out to dinner one night with them. When we were at their house, she was showing me some pics on their refrigerator. I looked at the other side and saw pictures of my the girls (aka: my bio children), but no pictures of my boys. I was perplexed for a minute and then it hit me....they are the "not bio" children. I will give her the benefit of the doubt on Toben as she probably has not received a picture of him from me, but Noah...I am sure in the past six years, she has received a picture of him! It made me sad..was just a shot of reality that not everyone sees our family as we do. We don't see color or how they came to us, they are just our kids. Period. I got angry for a minute, then prayed that God would use my family to teach these a little more about His love for ALL people!

.......Or maybe I am just being too sensitive and seeing something that is really not there at all, but I just couldn't help but notice two of my children missing from the picture place!

First Family Picture....and for a good cause!

Well, here it is! The first picture of all SIX P-trees! It took us three months to get it, but it is here! And we are in the t-shirts that my friends Kami and Jeremy are selling to open another orphanage in Liberia with Addy's Hope. So if you would like a cool shirt like us (she has them in many colors!) then click on the link on the sidebar of my blog and order away! She gets them out very quickly!