This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts! So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!
The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances. Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.
There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all! This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled. So why the dark days?
I don't have a definite answer. I can't explain it totally. All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me. For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy. But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath. There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day. There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed. I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season. This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.
So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ? I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me! The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand! The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us. And he will not let go of that easily! I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!
This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances. For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay. It took us four months, but we finally had a plan. It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan. Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids. I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!" How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?! And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again. Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart. And we were back to square one! We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill. I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!
I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards! It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands. I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!
The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest. I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!
But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!" "What do you really believe?!" And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good! I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need! I do have core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me! But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!
I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE! Others of us are facing these dark days also. The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering. It's a lie from the pit of hell! You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality! That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too. But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true. What He says about me and my life is my reality! I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven! I am not there yet! But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on! And I want to encourage you to hold on too! Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!
You might ask why do we have to go through this? Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known! I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth! We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us! And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment. He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!
So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on! I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years! Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!
Showing posts with label suffering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suffering. Show all posts
Monday, October 13, 2014
Monday, July 16, 2012
My Gethsemane
I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross. John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation. We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this." I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task. It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same. We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!
Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days. The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days. I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart. I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat. I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.
I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family. But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months! I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life. I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months. God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter. However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me. Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial. But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over. The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing. Some days it was paralyzing. Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.
As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it. I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months. When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea. There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption. I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child. But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible. I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me. And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did. "God, PLEASE take me back! Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain." I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life. I don't even know if regret is the right word. I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.
In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead. It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor. I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation. Take away all of it. Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking. For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done! I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it. I guess you could say I prayed it in faith. But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out. God is so faithful! I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray. I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different! I began to feel the hurt lift. I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point. There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!
We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans. I knew God was parting my Red Sea. I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart. I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making way for just that.
It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday. I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea. But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through. And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey. As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought. When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day! It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross! No more and no less than what I need for THAT day! And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip. And that is why I say YES!
Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days. The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days. I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart. I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat. I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.
I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family. But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months! I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life. I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months. God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter. However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me. Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial. But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over. The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing. Some days it was paralyzing. Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.
As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it. I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months. When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea. There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption. I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child. But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible. I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me. And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did. "God, PLEASE take me back! Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain." I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life. I don't even know if regret is the right word. I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.
In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead. It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor. I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation. Take away all of it. Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking. For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done! I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it. I guess you could say I prayed it in faith. But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out. God is so faithful! I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray. I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different! I began to feel the hurt lift. I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point. There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!
We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans. I knew God was parting my Red Sea. I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart. I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making way for just that.
It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday. I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea. But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through. And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey. As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought. When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day! It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross! No more and no less than what I need for THAT day! And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip. And that is why I say YES!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Processing....
Well, I am trying to process my new perspective. Yesterday we had a really important meeting that I will blog about later. But the outcome of the topic of this meeting has the potential to be life changing for me and literally millions of other. When faced with situations like this, I am always taken back to my stones of remembrance. Now stones of remembrance are supposed to be those things that remind you of the provision and faithfulness of God.
"Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." ~Joshua 4:5-8
Well, I have always struggled a little with that. I definitely have stone's of remembrance that show God's power and provision...the agency right now is a HUGE one! He has provided what we need financially to keep running during this hard time. I have no idea how! The money is just there. Its not always there right when I think we need it (like right now when salaries and rent need to be payed and we have enough to do neither!), but somehow by the end of the month we are able to feed the kids, pay our salaries and rent. Thank you, God! Then there is my marriage that has been through more battles than the civil war! But we are still together! God has saved my marriage to John. Thank you again, God! Noah's adoption is a huge stone of remembrance! It was really the first real faith step I had ever taken, at least knowingly taken! I knew all the risks, it wasn't what I would have chosen to do, but we did it because God made it cleat it was His will, and every little detail worked out.
But there are several BIG things that haven't worked out so well. One of the biggies is Eden and Addy's adoption. Did beauty come from the ashes? Definitely! And I can see that. But I still struggle with the fact that when I sat on the side of my bed in month 8 or 9 of the process with a death certificate that had Eden's mom dying before she was born, I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel. Not because I didn't want Eden, but because I knew that something smelled fishy (there were many more things than just the death certificate!). But right there, on the edge of my bed, God took me to a Psalms (I don't remember which one now) and I clearly heard Him say that Eden is coming home and you can't stop! It wasn't just "don't stop", it was, "she is coming home and don't stop!" Well, she didn't come home. So why didn't He let me stop?
I know that I will never know all the answers because God is the only one that knows all the answers. And the way I dealt and went on with that huge disappointment was, "Well, God is God. He is in control, I am not. And I just have to accept that." While that is true, the attitude that began to build with that was not true. That was the beginning of where I am today that when faith journeys don't turn out well, I see God as a tyrant up on His throne just messing with my life and causing me pain because He is more concerned with the bigger picture than with my personal pain. I took a self-sacrifice view. I have to be willing to sacrifice myself for the common good because God is way more concerned with the common good than with me. It also made me pass up any promise in God's word. I know I can believe the Bible, but it just doesn't seem that all His promises are true. For example, He says that we don't have to worry about what we eat or drink because He takes care of even the birds of the air. Matthew 6:26 (looking this up to make sure I have theology right here!) Well, tell that to the starving people of developing nations. Where is God's promise for them? I don't have that answer!
BUT, what God showed me yesterday, that is going to be life changing when I can fully soak it in is that He wasn't sitting on His throan just saying, "Sorry that is what has to happen for my grander plan! I know you hurt, but it is worth it, trust me." He is right beside me, crying with me, hurting with me, disappointed with me. He reminded me that men have free will. He reminded me that I live in a fallen, broken world! You see the agency that I was working with had choices when they processed Eden's case. They chose to do things the "easy" way instead of the right way, so she didn't get to come home. That broke God's heart! Wow! I NEVER thought of it that way! I know, I'm dense! But truly, that never occurred to me. Could God have changed it? Yes! He can do whatever He wants. Why didn't He? I don't know. The balance between God's plans and free will remains a mystery to me, and probably will until I die! But being the analytical person I am, I needed to realize the truth that when God's design doesn't work out, He is heart broken! When the church hurt John and I, God didn't intend for that to happen...He used it to move us to where we are now, but He could do that another way...when that happened, He hurt too! He was disappointed that His children had hurt each other!
I think of the people in Liberia that God has given me a passion for. Not just the children, but the oppressed people who remain in poverty while leaders send their families and money to America to enjoy all the benefits we have here while there villages don't even have water or restrooms! It makes me angry. I believe it is a righteous anger. I asked God yesterday, "Why do you allow this?" The answer: Free Will! Those leaders are making a choice to rule that way...and it breaks God's heart! That is why He is sending people like Addy's Hope and thousands of others to be the voice for these people! He hasn't forgotten them! He is just having to try and clean up the mess left by human free will! Could He just snap His fingers and fix it? YES! Why doesn't He? You will have to ask Him that! But the new realization about this for me is that He hurts with them! For whatever reason He allows it, He is not void of emotion as He looks at the state of His children. He is deeply grieved and hurting with those of us who call ourselves His children!
Still processing it all, but this is just a huge revelation for me! It takes away some of my anger and frustration with God! It shows me that I can hurt with Him, coming into deeper communion with Him as Kay Warren said instead of seeing Him as a Daddy who would sacrifice me for the rest of the children giving me a feeling that I am really not important to Him.
I am important to Him, and so are you! Whatever you are going through right now, God is hurting with you!
Can't wait to see what else God shows me about this! I truly think this will be life changing for me as I seek to know Him more and walk fully in His promises!
"Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." ~Joshua 4:5-8
Well, I have always struggled a little with that. I definitely have stone's of remembrance that show God's power and provision...the agency right now is a HUGE one! He has provided what we need financially to keep running during this hard time. I have no idea how! The money is just there. Its not always there right when I think we need it (like right now when salaries and rent need to be payed and we have enough to do neither!), but somehow by the end of the month we are able to feed the kids, pay our salaries and rent. Thank you, God! Then there is my marriage that has been through more battles than the civil war! But we are still together! God has saved my marriage to John. Thank you again, God! Noah's adoption is a huge stone of remembrance! It was really the first real faith step I had ever taken, at least knowingly taken! I knew all the risks, it wasn't what I would have chosen to do, but we did it because God made it cleat it was His will, and every little detail worked out.
But there are several BIG things that haven't worked out so well. One of the biggies is Eden and Addy's adoption. Did beauty come from the ashes? Definitely! And I can see that. But I still struggle with the fact that when I sat on the side of my bed in month 8 or 9 of the process with a death certificate that had Eden's mom dying before she was born, I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel. Not because I didn't want Eden, but because I knew that something smelled fishy (there were many more things than just the death certificate!). But right there, on the edge of my bed, God took me to a Psalms (I don't remember which one now) and I clearly heard Him say that Eden is coming home and you can't stop! It wasn't just "don't stop", it was, "she is coming home and don't stop!" Well, she didn't come home. So why didn't He let me stop?
I know that I will never know all the answers because God is the only one that knows all the answers. And the way I dealt and went on with that huge disappointment was, "Well, God is God. He is in control, I am not. And I just have to accept that." While that is true, the attitude that began to build with that was not true. That was the beginning of where I am today that when faith journeys don't turn out well, I see God as a tyrant up on His throne just messing with my life and causing me pain because He is more concerned with the bigger picture than with my personal pain. I took a self-sacrifice view. I have to be willing to sacrifice myself for the common good because God is way more concerned with the common good than with me. It also made me pass up any promise in God's word. I know I can believe the Bible, but it just doesn't seem that all His promises are true. For example, He says that we don't have to worry about what we eat or drink because He takes care of even the birds of the air. Matthew 6:26 (looking this up to make sure I have theology right here!) Well, tell that to the starving people of developing nations. Where is God's promise for them? I don't have that answer!
BUT, what God showed me yesterday, that is going to be life changing when I can fully soak it in is that He wasn't sitting on His throan just saying, "Sorry that is what has to happen for my grander plan! I know you hurt, but it is worth it, trust me." He is right beside me, crying with me, hurting with me, disappointed with me. He reminded me that men have free will. He reminded me that I live in a fallen, broken world! You see the agency that I was working with had choices when they processed Eden's case. They chose to do things the "easy" way instead of the right way, so she didn't get to come home. That broke God's heart! Wow! I NEVER thought of it that way! I know, I'm dense! But truly, that never occurred to me. Could God have changed it? Yes! He can do whatever He wants. Why didn't He? I don't know. The balance between God's plans and free will remains a mystery to me, and probably will until I die! But being the analytical person I am, I needed to realize the truth that when God's design doesn't work out, He is heart broken! When the church hurt John and I, God didn't intend for that to happen...He used it to move us to where we are now, but He could do that another way...when that happened, He hurt too! He was disappointed that His children had hurt each other!
I think of the people in Liberia that God has given me a passion for. Not just the children, but the oppressed people who remain in poverty while leaders send their families and money to America to enjoy all the benefits we have here while there villages don't even have water or restrooms! It makes me angry. I believe it is a righteous anger. I asked God yesterday, "Why do you allow this?" The answer: Free Will! Those leaders are making a choice to rule that way...and it breaks God's heart! That is why He is sending people like Addy's Hope and thousands of others to be the voice for these people! He hasn't forgotten them! He is just having to try and clean up the mess left by human free will! Could He just snap His fingers and fix it? YES! Why doesn't He? You will have to ask Him that! But the new realization about this for me is that He hurts with them! For whatever reason He allows it, He is not void of emotion as He looks at the state of His children. He is deeply grieved and hurting with those of us who call ourselves His children!
Still processing it all, but this is just a huge revelation for me! It takes away some of my anger and frustration with God! It shows me that I can hurt with Him, coming into deeper communion with Him as Kay Warren said instead of seeing Him as a Daddy who would sacrifice me for the rest of the children giving me a feeling that I am really not important to Him.
I am important to Him, and so are you! Whatever you are going through right now, God is hurting with you!
Can't wait to see what else God shows me about this! I truly think this will be life changing for me as I seek to know Him more and walk fully in His promises!
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