I did not journal on my trip to get Toben. I hate that I didn't, but in the state I was in with all that happened, I just couldn't. I couldn't relive the days events in order to write them down. And the days when all good was happening, I spent my evenings enjoying my little guy as my days had been filled with agency business so I hadn't gotten to be mommy. By the time he went to bed, I was too exhausted to try and journal. I knew I would regret it, and I do. I have a horrible memory! But I am praying God will be gracious and as I reflect on the pictures, the memories will come back.
I have been going to post for a week now on some adoption thoughts, but haven't been able to. Toben has done wonderful! We truly have been blessed! We could not ask for a better transition! He does not appear to even mourn his old life (I know that will come later even if we aren't dealing with it now). He has bonded wonderfully. He seeks my comfort when he is hurt (Or he wants to tattle!) and has appropriate emotions/actions. Truly, it has been a dream.....except for me! I remember some of the same feelings with Noah, so I am giving myself some slack. But this time, it has been compounded with all that happened while in Liberia and shortly after. The stress of that has just made my bonding to Toben difficult. I will explain more in a longer post later. I just share that because I have some dear friends who are throwing me a blessings shower on Sunday, and I want to take some pictures. I may have to stay up all night tonight and tomorrow night, but I am determined to have some of Toben's scrapbook done for the shower. So I was looking back through my trip pictures, and I was flooded with emotion! First, he has changed soooo much! He looks so little, and now that I know him better, so scared in the pictures! He is always smiling now, so the fact that the smile was missing most of the time shows me how scared he was!
As I look at the pictures, I remember where he was.....and that God brought him half way around the world to be my son! Truly amazing! I don't want to miss one day of giving this little guy all the love he deserves! I haven' watched the DVD from the trip that one of our sweet adoptive parents put together for us. I am just scared of what emotions it will evoke. BUt now that I have looked at the pictures, I know I need to look at the video.
I know for me, with adopiton, there is a mourning that has to occur before I can truly embrace my child. I am a baby person! So for this adoption there is a mourning of the baby I will never have in Toben. The three years I have lost with him (We think he is three as we got his case history and it has his birthday as Jan 16 2005, and that seems about right!) have to be mourned. I have to mourn so much other that I don't have time to dealve into right now, but I will share later!
I just wanted to share some more pictures with you from my trip. My precious little guy! Here he was in Liberia!
Getting to know each other!
FOOD! His favorite thing!
The Beach....our favorite spot!
