The Journey: D-Day

Today is the day! I have been so excited for today to get here, yet when I woke up and realized that today is it, I didn't want to get out of bed! Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. (Heb 11:1) As long as I don't have an answer I have faith and hope that the judge will award us placement of baby girl. But if the judge says leave her where she is, then where is faith and hope? Well, flesh would say, it's gone. But Kingdom economy says it is in Christ...not in an outcome, not in a judge, not in a judge's answer. God sees the bigger picture! He knows what needs to happen today for His ways to be fulfilled and His name to receive the most glory in this whole situation - in Sally's life, in Sally's mom's life, in Baby Girl's life, and in our lives.

We didn't get the baby bed put up because, well, I just don't think John wanted to haul it out of the attic until he HAD to. But that is ok because that was my step of obedience, not his. I was willing. So instead, I bought an outfit! :) I had gone several times to stores and thought I would buy a little something...I can always take it back so I'm not spending money I don't need to spend. But I just couldn't bring myself to put something in the basket. It was all too real which would make the pain too real if it doesn't happen. But Wednesday night after the disappointment with the social worker appearing to change her mind on her recommendation, I decided that I needed a tangible act of faith for myself to tell God, "I am trusting in You for this outcome. I'm not trusting in an outcome. You are good..and I will proclaim that whether Baby Girl comes to us and gets to wear this, or whether she doesn't and I have to return it."

Really my biggest fear for not getting her is our other children. All week, out of the blue, Toben will say, "Mom when do you see that judge? He will give us that baby to live with us forever." I pray this is one of his prophetic statements that he seems to have from time to time! But is just strikes me as so odd that even at his young age and seeming to have little to no interest in her when we were in the room, he is thinks of it so much and makes statements like that. Callie is beside herself! For someone who can be so negative in her speech, she will not even entertain the idea that Baby Girl is not coming to live with us! I struggle between speaking life and the outcome we desire with trying to keep her from being devastated if Baby Girl doesn't come live with us. At first, I would remind her that we might not get Baby Girl at all. But now, I just go along with her! The last thing she said to me when I dropped her off at school was she would be praying at 2:30. She begged me to call with the news, but I didn't want my friend who is staying with the kids to have to deal with any negative news. So I told her I would tell her when I get home. I pray that God will protect her heart and faith through all this. That He will give me the words to explain what I will not understand even myself if the outcome is not what we are hoping and praying for.

Sally's mom called me yesterday. She was very anxious and had not slept much the night before. She wanted advice on what she could do. As we talked, she suddenly said, "What if I call the lawyer for the baby?!" I can look back now and see this as a divine moment. John and I had talked about the fact that the baby's lawyer would be a good person for the biological family to talk to and voice concerns, but I had never said that to Sally's mom. When she said that, I told her that would be a great idea. So she eventually got in touch with the lawyer. Whether it will make a difference with the judge or not, I have no clue. But I know it gave Sally's mom peace that she had done what she could for her granddaughter. She has great guilt that she can't take the baby, but her hands are very full and it is a wise decision. We are meeting the lawyer at 2 before the court hearing for the lawyer to talk to us. It appears that we will be put on the stand to testify.

Today is the day. The first decision will be made. As I prayed about the whole situation after the seemingly negative news from the social worker, God took me to Proverbs 31. I had underlined verses 8 and 9 a couple of years ago when God first started laying fostering on our hearts. I even wrote out beside it "Foster care?"
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.

Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."
I knew God was telling me that the fight for Baby Girl is not over. Doesn't mean it is a fight for us to get her, but for us to be involved as an advocate for her and her family. To make sure Baby Girl is in the best home possible to provide her with the best future possible and most importantly to be raised as a daughter of the King!

If we come to mind, pray for us! We are scheduled for court at 2:30. These things usually run late, but at sometime around there the immediate future of Baby Girl will be decided by Judge Chavez. Pray for her, that we would have favor in her eyes.

Thanks in advance!

The Journey: Just Kidding!

When people talk about foster to adopt, this is why they say, "No Way!" This is what I was afraid of. Baby Girl is not in my home yet, but I already love her! I have tried to prepare myself ever since we decided to walk in obedience to become certified foster parents for loving and letting go. I just don't know how to do it without losing a piece of my heart!

Court was cancelled yesterday because of the snow. It is rescheduled for Friday at 2:30. Last time I talked to the CPS investigator, she told me that she would be recommending us as the placement for Baby Girl. Then yesterday Sally's mom calls me and is upset because the investigator is now telling her that because of our connection with Sally we may not be the best placement for Baby Girl. Um, I thought that was the whole point of placing a baby in a relative or fictive kin placement! The system was placing the baby in a place where they could stay connected to their biological family. But now, the investigator is saying that since we didn't know the family for a long period of time, they can't say to place the baby with us. I talked to her today. Very hard person...although I am sure you have to be on some level to do her job. So on one hand she is telling me Baby Girl shouldn't be placed with us because we have too many connections to Sally and on the other hand, we can't be the placement because we don't have enough history with Sally. Are you confused? Me too!! Not sure what happened between Friday when she tells me she will recommend us as the placement for Baby Girl (I told her that day that we had just met Amanda even though I had known about her for some time) and now when she doesn't seem to think it is a good idea anymore. Makes me go, "hmmmm?"

I have to go look at all the laws and regulations, but that just doesn't sound right to me. In a system where a foster parent can't even cut a child's hair without biological parent ok, they can't place the baby with a clean choice of the family's for placement?! Seriously?!

Please pray for us! Pray for Baby Girl! Pray that I have the heart to accept whatever God's will is for this baby and family. Pray that God will protect Baby Girl in all this! Pray that the supervisor that the investigator is talking with will tell her that a placement recommended by the family that checks out needs to be recommended to the judge so that we will be determined as the placement by the judge. John and I will be at court on Friday no matter what. We will fight for Baby Girl with her biological family until they give up or tell us they no longer want us in the picture. I'm just scared of the system. I don't want this baby to be moved numerous times, but I don't think growing up with parents who are in their later 40's to early 50's is a good idea for a 7 week old baby, either. The current foster parents are that age.

I just keep reminding myself of the Truth: God has a plan for Baby Girl, a plan for her future, for a hope for her. He has a plan for me, my family and her biological family too. He loves Baby Girl more than I or anyone else ever could as He created her, He knit her together in Sally's womb. God has ordained her days and my days before even one came to be. If Friday is ordained as the day she comes to live with us, then it will be so. If not, then it will not. For the first time today, I felt led to pray that Baby Girl comes to live with us. Up to now, I had just prayed for God's perfect will. Today, I felt the Holy Spirit impressed upon me to ask for her to be in my home. I know prayer paves the way for heaven's will to be done here on earth. If Baby Girl doesn't come to us on Friday, it won't be because I didn't ask! And if she doesn't, well, God will pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together again.

The Journey: Met her, held her, loved her!

Yesterday was a big day! I took "Sally" to her visitation. So I got to meet Baby Girl and Sally's mom. Baby Girl is beautiful! She is a chunky baby! So big for only 7 weeks old! But she is gorgeous! My kids all loved her! Callie help her, and Toben kept asking when we get to take her home.

We thought we would know that answer today. But God decided to send a blizzard, well at least that is what it looked like to to us West Texas folk, and poured down more snow than I have seen here in centuries! Not sure how much we got, but it was a good 3-4 inches in our front yard. When you get snow like that in West Texas, EVERYTHING shuts down...and that includes courts. :( So it is rescheduled for Friday at 2:30.

Plenty of time to set up the baby bed. But man, my heart it killing me! It wants to love that precious baby so much! But I just can't fully let it until I know she will be in our home. I thought it might be hard to love a foster child since I know there is a chance that they will leave. That was put to rest yesterday! The minute she was in my arms, I was wrapped...right around her chubby little finger! She has these large brown/black eyes that would turn and look at me whenever I talked. Melted my heart each time she did it! Noah did the same thing when we brought him home from the hospital.

Callie is learning patience as she is having the hardest time with the postponement of the court date. And I am continuing to learn how to keep doing the little things and not being distracted by the big things!

Plastic Surgery

We did it! I have wanted plastic surgery for months now! I finally got the guts to do it, but John wasn't so excited about the idea. However, we started Financial Peace University last Sunday, and this time John didn't argue! So after lunch, I got out the scissors, told him to hand over his credit cards, got mine out and we had a big ceremony with the kids...chop, chop! No more credit cards! Woohoo!!!!

Financial Freedom, here we come!!!!

I am determined to see every little blessing that God brings as we walk this path to financial freedom. It is not just about paying off debt or not using credit cards. It is all about walking in obedience to God's word! It is about not being a slave to a lender (Proverbs is FULL of verses about this)! It is about living on what we make, not on what we think we are entitled to make or have. It is being thankful for what God has provided, not wanting more than He has given.

Last Sunday right after the plastic surgery (in case you haven't figured it out yet, the plastic surgery was the cutting up of the credit cards! :) ), I had to deliver a lamp that I had sold on Craigslist to the lady who bought it. She was working at a cupcake bakery right by our house. I was glad to take the lamp to her, but I had a little sadness that I was going to this really cool cupcake place, but I couldn't buy my kids a cupcake.

When I got there, they were about to close for the day. I gave the lady the lamp, and she gave me her money. Small blessing number one: she was going to give me $8 for the lamp, but handed me a $10 and told me she didn't want any change. You may say it is only $2, but to me it was God saying, "see, I am already blessing your efforts!" THEN (blessing number 2:), she asked Ava if she wanted a cupcake! Ava of course, said yes. But it didn't stop there, she asked me how many kids I had at home. I told here there were four total, and she handed me a BOX OF CUPCAKES so all my kids could have one!!!!! That may seem silly to some, but to me it said, "Daughter, I even care enough about your desires that I am providing your children whom I love more than you ever could with a special treat!" It isn't about the cupcakes! It is about God showing me that He was thrilled with my steps of obedience and His encouragement to me that this wasn't going to be a horrible journey of denial and misery....instead it is going to be a journey of seeing God provide for us when there is a need...and even sometimes when there is a totally frivolous want....like cupcakes!

The Journey: Baby Girl

So the journey continues! All would be proud of me as I have been to Target AND Wal-Mart and have not bought anything pink! :) I tried, but with doing Dave Ramsey and not totally sure we are getting Baby Girl, everything I put in my basket ended right back on the rack! Well, I do have one confession...I am currently winning a new baby sling on ebay! Never had one with my other kids, but also was not working! Baby Girl will hopefully love the sling and will stay nice and quiet in there while I work...I can dream for now, can't I?!

Honestly, I haven't really thought a lot about Baby Girl. Really just yesterday did I even start thinking about what would actually happen if she did come to live with us. Really not sure what to do with all the emotions and thoughts right now. So I try not to think about it too much.

Didn't have any contact with "Sally" yesterday. Talked to her some today as I am going to try to take her around town tomorrow to help with some of the steps to get Baby Girl back. We will see how that goes. Looks like I may also get to meet baby girl when I take "Sally" to her visitation. But I will also have all four of my kids with me, so will play that by ear!

Today in church was the first time that the overwhelming emotions really came! During praise and worship, we were singing a song that talks about being surrounded by God's loving arms. I lost it! Out of nowhere this wave of emotion over came me. Last night as I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, I kept asking God if I needed to put the baby bed up. I don't know what CPS would do if they came to drop her off and we didn't have a baby bed set up. It is in the attic...we can have it down and set it up in less than an hour. So more than likely between when we go to court and Baby Girl actually arrived (IF the judge decides to place her with us), we would have time to get it all set up. I knew John wouldn't be too excited about setting it up before we know for sure she is coming, but I wanted to ask God for His input.

I felt a resounding answer: set up the bed! For practical purposes, the baby bed can stay in the attic until we know for sure. However, God showed me that I wasn't putting the baby bed up because I didn't want to face an empty baby bed if His will for right now is to leave Baby Girl in the home she is currently in...if God's will for right now is for me to minister to Sally and work with her and not Baby Girl. I am really ok with that and excited to have the opportunity to work with Sally. But I also would love to know Baby Girl is in a safe Christian home...particularly, my safe, Christian home! God was telling me that I have to learn to quit stuffing all these emotions that come with the roller coaster of fostering/adoption and feel them and trust Him with them! From the time Eden didn't come home, I have really struggled with reconciling my emotions with my faith and reality and trusting God all at the same time! So I have developed this coping mechanism of just denying all feelings so I don't have to deal. Well, that only works for so long!

And God showed me last night that stuffing and pretending the emotions don't exist doesn't allow me to trust Him and rest in His love while I feel all the emotions. So when I was singing about being surrounded by God's love, the fears let lose! But it was a good release! It was so awesome to "feel" all the fears and still feel safe! In that moment, I knew that through the past 4 years since Eden didn't come home, I have learned to trust God with my heart again!

So we will put the baby bed up. Not because we have to, but because it is a physical symbol that no matter what happens, I am trusting God with my heart. Even if that baby bed is empty this time next week, I will be ok! I will be disappointed (and I'll let you in on a little secret....John said he will be too! :) )and maybe even a little sad. But I will be ok! AND it is ok to be disappointed and sad!

Tomorrow will be a long day! Finger prints in the morning, delivering documents to the fostering agency, driving Sally around wherever she needs to do for a couple of hours, then taking her to visitation. That said, I better get to bed!

The Journey

Well, this Journey seems to have taken the fast track!

My parents' church has a wonderful homeless ministry. One of the young ladies coming to this ministry had a baby in December. Mom has told me about her several times. Well, last week Mom told me CPS had taken her baby. My heart broke! I am not bashing our CPS here, but we all know the system has some issues. There are WONDERFUL foster homes...many of my foster home friends read this blog...I am so thankful for Christians who are stepping up and saying we will do this because these children need good, loving Christian homes to love them even for the short time they are with us. But we also know there are not so good homes out there. And unfortunately at this time, I think the bad ones outnumber the good ones. Anytime I hear of a child entering CPS, I wonder, "Is this precious one in one of those good home, or are they being more damaged where they are now than where they came from?"

God put a burden in my heart...not for just the baby, but for the mother. So I called the lady at Mom and Dad's church who has been working with the mom. As we talked, I was amazed at how similar her story is to Noah's birth mom! I felt immediately connected to her! I told Sandra that I would be happy to talk to the birth mom (I'll just call her Sally to protect her identity) if she wanted me to. I explained that we were in the process of being licensed foster parents and would be willing to care for the baby to make sure she was in a safe, loving, Christian home. Sally is no where near talking adoption. She wants nothing to do with adoption. I assured Sandra that we were open to caring for Sally's baby as long as we needed to....even after she left CPS care if that is what Sally needed without pushing for adoption. I pray that if Sally doesn't change her lifestyle she will eventually trust us or some family enough to place the baby in that home permanently in adoption, but pushing for that is not going to make Sally consider it! Sally has 4 other children who do not live with her, but I believe there is always hope for change. Maybe this baby is the one that will give her the motivation she needs to turn things around.

I don't think I am any different than the many other people who have tried to help Sally. But I knew that God was writing John and I into this story for some reason. God seems to ALWAYS take us through personally what he is taking the agency through. With us in the process of developing a domestic program with the intention of working with CPS to get kids into permanent homes, I figure this is just our personal journey to give us the insight of what parents go through. This way we can serve them in a more personally way having been down the path ourselves. It is also giving me a good taste of what working with birth mothers will mean. I LOVE it! Even though I received 20 texts yesterday :), I LOVE it! I love speaking life into a life that seems hopeless! I love looking at a girl who thinks she has nothing to offer and telling her that she is making her own choices and the outcome of those choices are pretty clear cut. Sally has a victim mentality, but that can be overcome too! It will just take a lot of encouragement and truth...and her choosing to overcome it. But what a blessing to be part of the process!

So let me back up! I talked to Sandra on Tuesday. Sandra said that Sally would probably be coming to the service they hold for that ministry on Thursday night. I gave Sandra my cell number and told her to have Sally call me, or if she wanted me to, I could come to the church that night and talk to her face to face.

John and I talked. We felt God was definitely saying to walk forward and trust Him with whatever happened or didn't happen. So for the first time one of these types of things comes into our lives with a child, I didn't get derailed and consumed! A sure sign of growth! I went about the little things in life that needed to be done instead of focusing on the "BIG" thing that might not even happened! It was a productive week! :)

My wonderful parents had already planned to come over Thursday night to watch my three youngest while I went to Zumba and took Callie to her praise team rehearsal at church. I have been amazed at all the "little" details God has worked out already in this process!! Truly amazing! I don't want to miss a single one as each of them is a little whisper of God saying, "I am totally into details! See that! See this! I care!" And that spills over into ALL areas of my life! So I was headed to Zumba as I was not counting on a phone call at all...just open! I had just gotten out of the car when the phone call came. So I told Callie I had to leave and why. After the screaming an dancing :), she jumped back into the car. I promptly told her she was not invited, I had to talk to the mom alone, and she had a rehearsal to go to. Now let me share another detail...on the way to the church, the parent of Callie's friend who does the praise team with her had called and offered to bring Callie home! All details were taken care of for me to go minister to this young lady as long as I needed to! Thank you, Jesus!

I went and met with Sally. She immediately put a piece of paper in front of me. I asked what it was and it was the form from CPS for her to write down potential placement/support people. So I filled it in and we spent the next 45 minutes talking about what she needed to do in order to get baby girl back! The first thing is a job! So we talked about how to do that, etc. There were lots of excuses and some untruths I found out the next day, but that is all this poor girl knows. As I learned with Noah's birth mom, only by the grace of God did I know grow up just like them without the advantages I had in a wonderful, middle class, Christian home with loving parents! I could just have easily grown up with a druggie mom and abusive dad and lived from apartment to apartment and even in a car sometimes. There is no room for judgement! Only love and truth. I prayed on the way to the church that God would give me HIS eyes to see her and His words to say to her.

By the time I left, she had given me her social worker's phone number and asked me to call her. I did Friday morning. And another miracle, SHE ANSWERED! These poor people are so overworked, they rarely have time to answer a call! But she did! She wasn't sure what to do with me I am sure...calling on behalf of the mom, but supportive of the system...I'm sure that was a first for her! :) I explained our situation and being verified, etc. We hung up...oh, did I mention John is in Austin this whole week when all this is going on?! God's timing is so hilarious sometimes! Within 15 minutes, the social worker called me back and asked for our information to run the background checks and told us to be at court Tuesday at 2:30. She is going to recommend us as the placement for the baby. Not sure that has soaked in even now! And it is totally up to the judge, so there is no guarantee that we will get her. But that will be her recommendation!

In the course of my conversations with Sally and the social worker, we finally set up a visit with Sally and baby girl for Monday that I have to take Sally to because she doesn't have transportation.

I love that I get to minister to the mom! I'm nervous about what that will mean if we do get the baby and how that will all play out. I have done several "what if's" and God quickly reminded me He is big enough to handle ALL of those! I am praying for a heart for Sally even after baby girl is in my home! I am praying for a heart that can love a baby like my own that I know may not stay. I'm nervous about child number 5! But I was nervous about child number 3 and 4 also, and now I can't imagine life without them! I have come to LOVE having a large family! I love what it does to my kids....they don't always get my undivided attention, I am having to tell them no to some wants, but that is real life! And I see it transforming them into at least somewhat less selfish people!

We are not setting up the baby bed. We are not buying pink (VERY hard!). But we are preparing the kids and our hearts to love a 2 month old bi-racial precious baby should God chose to put her in our home on Tuesday.

Pray for us if we come to mind, would ya? Pray for "Sally" and baby girl! Pray that God's will be done in all of us! I can't even pray that God would place baby girl in our home because I don't know for sure that is what our role is in this story! I love that I am in that place! In the past, I would be so consumed with the thought of getting to have another baby that it would cloud the rest of my thinking, but I can honestly say that I have NO AGENDA here but GOD'S! And that my friends is a heart transformed! I love my God!!!!

Great Shirt & Great Cause

Karen went to Liberia with me in February. She and her husband (and daughters) are adopting a little boy and little girl from Addy's Hope. We formed a special bond during our trip in February, and God firmed up a calling Karen felt ever since her trip to Uganda the year before.

Now Karen, Duane and their three girls are answering God's call to the mission field. They are raising money to go to Liberia over Spring Break with the intention of firming up details and confirming the call they feel to long term missions in Liberia.

It is my great honor to walk with them through this! They are selling the these beautiful t-shirts as part of their fundraiser. Their goal is $20,000 which will get them over there, lodge them, provide food and also purchase a car for Addy's Hope. Will you help them?

To order a t-shirt go or to read more about this amazing family go to her blog.

Thanks in advance! And for those who know my horrible ability to get things in the mail that I use for fundraisers on my trip....Karen is MUCH more organized than I! :)

Comments

I have removed comments from my blog. If you know me, you know how to get in touch with me to leave a response to a blog post. I enjoy my friend's comments, so please e-mail them to me. I just don't enjoy the comments of people who don't know me and therefore don't have a clue about what they are talking about when they comment.

I just have a different philosophy about blogs than most people, I guess. I read blogs...the ones I don't agree with I either stop reading or just don't comment about as I feel it is their blog and their feelings. I don't feel it is doing anything constructive to criticize anyone on their blog whether I agree or not. If I don't agree, I don't have to read it. And if I know them well enough to have concerns about what they post, I let them know my concerns in a non-public forum.

I still think it is important for us to live our lives transparently. However, I don't feel that it gives everyone in the world the right to criticize. I obviously am a little in the minority in this thinking...but I practice what I preach in that I don't leave criticism on the blogs I read either. I believe in supporting people through their blogs.

Thanks to my friends who have been so supportive of me in my "commentors" posts! You guys rock! :)