Released

There is no manual for how to act when you have a wayward child.  There is also no manual for how to act when a friend has a wayward child.  I'm thinking me and a couple of friends could write one of those!  We have some crazy stories!  But God brought some direction...some instructions yesterday through the blessing of a dear friend!  Oddly enough, that same friend joked with me that she needed more blog posts to keep up with me...so Tracey, this is for you!  You have no idea how you blessed me yesterday!  THANK YOU!!!!

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my dear friend Tracey yesterday.  Tracey and I met in high school, but became kindred spirits when we were in the same Sunday School class after graduating college.  We have been through marriages, a miscarriage, births, all our adoptions - those that failed and those that brought a new life to our home...over 20 years of life together!  Through numerous moves on behalf of both of us, we have remained friends and stayed in touch.  And she is not even on Facebook!  So it's like a real, old timey relationship! Tracey has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders!  Every time we get together, whether it has been weeks, months, or years, we pick up right where we left off.  I have learned over the years that is the mark of true friendship!  Every time we meet, Tracey never fails to tell me how much she admires me.  That always blows my mind because Tracey is one of about three people on this earth who know ALL of my scoop!  I don't think there is anything in my closet that Tracey doesn't know!  And the fact that she is even still my friend knowing all she knows is pretty amazing..much less has such lofty things to say.

Yesterday Tracey invited me to come to an event at her parents' church (the church where we rekindled our friendship all those years ago) where she was the featured guest bringing the program.  The theme verse for the event was 2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."  It was on the wall behind where Tracey stood to sing and speak.  I love holidays!  This is absolutely my favorite time of year!  So being at the event where everything is festive would normally be a thrill for me.  But as I walked around the room looking at the themed tables and greeting long time friends that I hadn't seen in years, something was off.  There was a fog, a heaviness.

Tracey got up to sing.  She sang lots of oldy moldies as she said from our youth!  I'm not particularly fond of thinking of songs from my era as oldy moldies, but I guess I am getting to "that" age.  Tracey challenged all of us to put aside the stressed of the day, the week and just concentrate on the blessings in our life.  As I did that, there was this voice that popped up and said, "when you are thinking about the blessings, don't forget the pain of the one not with you!"  The fog was back.  Immediately, I heard that still small voice that has become my comfort and my strength over the past few years say, "That's not me!  That has never been me."  I realized in that moment that since Paizley left our home while we were out of town that day, I have felt a need to be sad.  I have felt like being happy or being fully joyful was wrong.  I have never lost a child who live in my home to death.  We lost Addy, and that was very painful, but it was different than losing a child you have held, poured into day in and day out.  John and I have talked often that having a child who walks away from your family is much like a death in the family.  There is obviously still the hope of reconciliation someday that you don't have with a death.  And I don't mean to lessen the pain of my dear friends who have lost children to death.  But as I sat there yesterday, I thought of stories I have heard of moms who have lost children to death and how they weren't sure how to be happy again.  I felt that tug of war in my soul yesterday.  The pain of the past few months, not just missing my daughter and granddaughter, but the false accusations, the total rejection of who we are, has been more painful than I could have ever imagined.  But God's word says that joy comes in the morning!  The problem was, the enemy had me convinced that the morning couldn't come until my daughter was fully reconciled to me.  The problem with that is...that reconciliation is not my choice.  So my "joy" was dependent an event that I couldn't control.  One of the adoptive parents I am doing a home study for has hit some of the bumps we all face in the adoption process.  We have talked quite a bit about the spiritual side of adoption.  She had sent me a message earlier that day.  God as setting the stage for me!  I love it when He does this!  Reminds me again of just how much He loves me (and YOU by the way!), and how personal He is! The message was from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.   It was on obedience.  John 14:15 - If you love me, you will obey my commandments.  It talked about how obedience is a choice. God will not force us to do what He asks, He is a gentleman.  Two years ago, we obeyed.  That obedience is what God uses to show Himself to us and to others.  The outcome of the obedience isn't what I had hoped and definitely not what I had dreamed, but the obedience - doing what God asked me to do - and the continued obedience in this situation, is what God is asking of me.   In that moment yesterday when Tracey asked us to count our blessings, 6 faces popped into my head as the breath of one of those blessings brushed my neck as I held her in my lap.  I pulled her a little closer to me and the tears began to fall.  The release had come!  God had spoken.  "Stop making yourself pay for what you had no control over.  You obeyed when others would have ran.  You obeyed when others told you to run. Stop forcing a cloud over every family event.  Enter this glorious season of thankfulness and of celebrating My Gift to you with a full heart."   Wow!  I didn't know!  I didn't realize until that moment I felt I had to have an element of sadness to every family event we did - family pictures, carving pumpkins, watching a movie as a family.  I felt like I had to almost verbally acknowledge the missing piece before we could go on with our event.  But God released me from that!  I can enjoy the holiday traditions we have as a family without having a moment of silence that someone is missing.  My other children deserve a mom who is all in...not holding back because there needs to be a cloud over all we do.  

There will be times of sadness, I know.  There will be genuine mourning in the coming holiday season.  But I am released, free to celebrate our family traditions, free to dance with my children, free to relish making Christmas cookies, and free to be Thankful for the blessed life I have as we gather around a table in a few weeks!  Free to fully feel joy and peace despite a missing piece!

And that my friends, is the peace that passes all understanding that only a God who knows the pain of losing His own Son for MY sins can bring!  I owe Him my life!

God's Economy again!

Had a VERY humbling lesson today! My struggle with God's promises is back. Just had some hard times that makes it difficult to hang onto Truth. Wish I wasn't so quick to believe the lies of the enemy over God's Word, but for some reason I am. One of the areas that we, John and I, have really worked on as far as trusting God and believing His promises is in money. In the last year we added two children and a pregnancy and lost a salary. So money is tight at times. We have to get pretty creative for just about anything above and beyond the basic needs that we want to have. Of course, we are still wealthier than 90% of the world! I totally understand that after working intently in Liberia for 5 years. But when you live in America and have the American mentality around you and have to look at what the Jones' have every day, it is hard to not get caught up in it...at least it is for me!

I can tell you many stories of God's provision. And actually, money is not my biggest struggle for trusting God, but eventually, as I continue down a path of doubt or mis-trust, money will become an issue. I was brought up tithing. I understand the concept that it is God's and he is only asking for 10%. John and I have always meant to tithe, but have gone through seasons where we didn't simply because we weren't disciplined to take it out FIRST and by the time we got to write the check the money was gone.

Well, we have been very committed to our tithe and then some, just really trying to walk in obedience and generosity lately. When we were struggling with the discipline, God really impressed John with Malachi 3 that promises God will rebuke the devourer for us when we are faithful to give Him what He asks for. We have had many illnesses in our home this winter which means lots of doctor bills and medicine expenses on top of the pregnancy. Three of the kids and John have had to have dental work done. Then this week, our slab sprung a leak! We are on day three with no water except to turn it on to bathe and wash dishes. We have a VERY high deductible, so we will be coming up with that money.

Over lunch, John and I were both talking about how hard it is to believe God for His promises when circumstances truly point to the opposite! I haven't worried about the money part so much, but there are MANY other promises that I have just laughed at God over for the past couple of weeks! His promises just seem a world away right now in just about every aspect of life!

John was talking specifically about being ready for the last half of the tithe promise to be evident and we can know that the devourer has been kept at bay by our obedience in our finances.

I literally was walking in the back door from that conversation when Ava yells, "Someone is here!" It was a dear friend of mine who was bringing crib sheets that I am collecting for some moms in San Angelo. But before she left, she handed me $100 and said, "God told me to give you $100. I don't know what it is for, but I want to walk in obedience." Now, this friend has had just as many struggles as we have! In fact, we have talked the past couple of weeks about how much our lives are paralleling right now in the area of tests! So the fact that she would be handing me this money made it all the more humbling!

Of course, in tears, I call John and tell him what just happened. It was a tangible hand of God saying, "I hear you! Hang on! Trust me! I am in control! I will bring my promises to fruition! Don't doubt!" My spirits lifted and hope resides in me for the first time in weeks. Not just about money, but about all my areas of doubt! I LOVE that God loves us enough to show up very tangibly through an obedient friend when I'm pouting and refuse to listen. If I don't stop to spend time with Him, He'll just show up at my door step! That doesn't happen all the time, trust me, so when it does, I have to take notice! And believe me, I AM LISTENING now!!! Thank you, God, for sending me hope through a friend who was Jesus with skin on today! And thank you Friend, for walking in obedience! You have helped set my mind back where it needs to be!

my babies!

I have amazing friends! I posted our family pictures that my friend Rachel took. Well, when she heard about Baby Girl, she volunteered to come take pictures of her as a ministry to her mother who didn't have any pictures of her. But the day she was coming her camera broke. But she didn't stop there! Instead, she found another photographer who was willing to give of her time and talents to take pictures of Baby Girl. They are amazing!!!! She is precious! I so wish I could put them up here, but I can't. But I can post the ones she took just snapping pictures as we went. She was so gracious to share those with me as well! She captured Toben, Ava and Callie in a beautiful way! I will always treasure the one of Ava working the puzzle as that is her favorite thing to do right now!!! And those shoes, well, that one will be hung in her room as an art work! :) Thank you Kate! If anyone in my area needs pictures taken, I know three wonderful and very talented ladies that I can refer you to!

Friends....

We are reading through Proverbs as a church. Part of the reading today was Proverbs 27:9, "Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a mans' counsel is sweet to his friend." I am a margin writer! I have writing all in my Bible! In fact I bought a wide margin Bible to make sure I would have room for all my thoughts! It is just how I process....but sometimes those notes bring pain. Like this morning. Beside this verse about sweet counsel of a friend, I have written, "Makes me think of _____." That blank is filled with the name of a friend who was my mentor and spiritual mentor for four years. Her friendship and advice in my life was vital to the growth I received during that time. She kept my feet to the fire and wouldn't let me stray from the narrow path. I have many times credited her with saving my marriage because no excuse was good enough to quit working on my marriage! And I will forever be grateful for the role she played in that part of my life.



But one day this friend betrayed my confidence in a BIG way. I was shocked. There are people you think will never hurt you in that way. She was one of those people. Her reason for betraying it was to "protect" a pastor...nothing like being thrown under the bus to protect the one who is supposed to be "shepherding" ie: protecting you!



But the betrayal of trust isn't even the deepest wound. As a person who used to have NO mercy or grace for things like this, I extended incredible grace and mercy to this friend. I couldn't trust her anymore with my deepest darkest secrets as I had in the past, but I told her that one mistake didn't erase the years of knowing that she is a Godly woman with incredible wisdom! I wanted to maintain a friendship with her....it would look different, but she had meant so much to me for so long, I was not willing to walk away from it all together.



She obviously felt differently as I have only received a couple of e-mails from her since that time and the last one I sent to her went unanswered.



As we have moved to a new church and are healing from the wounds of the past, I am finding it harder than I thought. I have always been one to seek out relationships and build friendships. But after going through what we did at our old church coupled with coming out of a very dark time in my life, I am finding it hard to take the steps necessary for friendships. I dread being somewhere that I know will require talking to people..sharing my story. As I told one friend, after 35 years, my story is really long! I don't want to have to explain to any more people why I am where I am! I don't want to have to fill them in on the events of the past several years that have brought growth and left scars. Because what if I do share all that, and then they share with someone else. ...or worse, I share all that and then they walk away!



If you keep reading in Proverbs 27, verse 17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And that is why I know no matter how much it hurts, no matter how uncomfortable or how much resistance I feel, I must build relationships!



We were not made to walk this Christian journey alone! That is why God calls us to fellowship! We need those around us who can be Jesus with skin on! We need people to carry us when we can't take another step. That is probably the part that scares me the most! I have just come out of a time where I couldn't hardly carry myself much less anyone else! The thought of failing anyone else the way I have failed many friends through this time hurts my heart. But the enemy would like nothing more than to keep me in isolation....to believe those thoughts of, "It's better just to be alone...then no one expects anything of you and you don't have to share your story with anyone." If I am alone, just like a deer falling to the back of the group, I am easier to attack and take down.



So with that knowledge, I press forward! God has put some amazing people in John and my life. People who just seem like friends from the start..natural relationships that don't really have to be "worked at". They haven't all gone beyond surface yet, but they will. God has placed us in an amazing Body of His that shares our heart for people and wants to further God's kingdom. It is not perfect since it is made up of people like me. But it is perfect for us and I look forward to new friends who can walk this journey with me and I with them!

Blessings

Callie and I are headed to Liberia! We don't have the full amount....about $4,000 short, but John and I both believe I need to be there, so we booked the flight and are waiting and trusting God for the rest!

We didn't book until Wednesday, so that kind of sent me in a scurry thinking of leaving...with Callie...in a week! So on Friday we went to Goodwill to look for some skirts and cool shirts...especially for Callie since she mainly has knit and denim capris that would be really hot!

Well, we ran into an old friend from Garden City at Goodwill. We had a basket full of stuff as we ran across tons of kids chapter books in series (like Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, etc). I sale those on Ebay and make good money back, so we bought them to sale to help make money for the trip. We start talking to our friend Renee and end up in line behind her. When the lady tells her the total for her purchase, Renee tells her to keep ringing us up! I was floored! She paid for all of our purchase as well as giving us some cash for "airport snacks". It was such a blessing and encouragement on a day that had been filled with battles starting at 5:00 am with a phone call from Liberia! God gave me a shot of encouragement just when I needed it and it was such a promise that He will provide! It was amazing!

So thank you, Renee, for blessing our socks off! And thank you God for perfect timing that encourages and restores!

Looking for reading buddies!

Friends and strangers,

I need reading buddies! I am coming out of a fierce dark and dry time of doubting, hurting, bleeding and wanting to just die. But since I have breath this morning, God is not done with me so I must carry on and frankly I would like to be much more effective than I have been the last few weeks in my stupor!

Soooooo..I am asking for you to join me. I know many are wrapping up Bible Studies, etc for the summer. Satan has used isolation to just about kill me many times in my life. This is one of those times!

As I prayed this morning about how to fill any empty spaces in me with Jesus, God reminded me of a book I had bought but never read, Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren. I know several who have read it and highly recmmond it if you are ready to be undone! I have been undone lately, but I was undone for the wrong team! So I am picking this book up to get back in the game on the right team and be undone for Jesus Christ!

If you would like to join me, I would LOVE IT! We will have a "book club" so to speak. What I will do is put discussion questions on my blog to get us started. Then everyone can post comment about their thoughts and reactions from the chapter. If you have questions you want to discuss, post them to the comments, or e-mail them to me and I will include them in the discussion questions! Invite anyone you want! The more the merrier! I am ready to be undone and want to take as many people as possible with me! :>)

We will officially start on Wednesday which will give people a couple of days to get the book. We will just do three chapters a week which means it will take us 4 weeks to complete and maybe will help people not get too far behind if they are on vacation or something for one of the weeks.

We will just do two chapters this week to give people a chance to get the book and not get backed up....I wish I had this brain storm earlier as I want to just read the book in one sitting! :) But I will wait for you guys!

Friends....

yes, it has been a tough month! But it all seemed to melt away last night when my friend Tracy surprised me last night! She came over and took me to dinner! My wonderful husband kept our four kids and Tracy's little girl who is close to Ava's age and Tracy treated me to dinner out!

Tracy and I met in high school. We reconnected after we ended up in the same Sunday School class right after John and I married. She threw my baby shower for Callie! We have both moved several times since then, but always stayed in touch as she comes "home" to see her parents and always takes time to see me! What a true friend!!! I have not been so great to do that when I lived off! But Tracy and I have one of those friendships where we can not talk for months and when we do again, we just pick up right where we left off! It is pretty amazing!

Last night we both shared our hard times and good times since last we met...but most importantly we just laughed! Well maybe not most importantly, because Tracy said so many things that God used to encourage me. She refocused me on what is important..she encouraged me in my work, my marriage, my home!

So Tracy, THANK YOU!!!!! And God THANK YOU for Tracy! I often say on here that John and I have no friends....that really is not true! We don't have friends that we get together with often, but God has blessed us with amazing people whose relationships stand the test of time and miles!

Tracy, God used you to refuel me yesterday! I feel ready to conquer the world today, which is good because I have some letter to write, AND Bush is coming home! So the P-trees are going to see the President! The kids get out of school early, and I have to leave the office because roads are being shut down....I figure it is a once in a lifetime experience to be the first to great an Ex-President as he leaves office, so we will go sit for four hours to see him for about 30 minutes! :)

$1100 closer

We don't have a baby yet, but two dear friends who have walked through this amazing roller coaster with me have donated $1,100 in faith that we WILL have a baby! My soul is soaring! Now I just need a phone call that says, you are chosen! It all kind feels like an out of body experience! Not sure how to feel....haven't been in these shoes in over seven years when we found out about Noah!

I just keep telling myeslf, "God is in control and whatever the outcome is HIS will and is for my good!" I will keep repeating that so no matter the outcome, whether He gives or takes away, still I will say Blessed be the name of my LORD!

A true friend!

Since leaving our church of over 3,000 people, John and I can count on one hand the number of people that have checked on us or even inquired as to where we are. It has left us feeling a little lonely at times. But then a friend like Kami calls and says, could you use a nannie or house keeper for a few days?! It didn't take me long to say YES!!!!! So she laid down her life for John and I, took vacation days, drove 12 hours with someone she didn't know and paid for a plane ticket home (with the generosity of a couple of her friends). She will have been here one day shy of a week. She has been invaluable! She has taken care of kids, folded mounds of laundry, made many meals, read tens of books, seen the ugly details of the inside life of the P-tree family, undid brades for hours on end, change diapers, settled fights, cleaned up puke...you get the picture! She was invaluable! Honestly, she probably allowed me to keep my sanity this past week.

So to my dear friend (and her precious husband who let me steal his wife), THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!! You are loved and appreciated! You are a true example of John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Two first for the P-trees!

This was a busy Sunday, but a blessed one too! We visited another church this morning. It felt more like home, but it is much like our last church and that makes me almost want to run the other direction. I am just really confused!

After church we took naps. Then we went to a carnival here that a Catholic church puts on to raise funds for the year. This was the first time in YEARS that our kids had gone to a carnival. We had promised them with a little of our earnings from our garage sale, we would do something we wouldn't ordinarily do because of our budget..so they picked the carnival! So here are some shots from that! We had a blast! I rode the Tornadoe with Callie and Noah, then I was done! They stopped right before I thought I was going to be really sick! Getting old is not fun! John rode the Superman with Noah. Then Toben and Ava drove motercycles and flew high in an airplane! I was so proud of them both...they were way brave!

Callie tried to win a goldfish. Since she didn't win and we didn't get to ride many rides (when did tickets go up to $1 a piece????!!!!!), we took the kids to Petsmart and bought each of them a goldfish, then to Wal-Mart for a cheap bowl and fish food! So here is Callie's fish, "Goldie". Ava's is "Bird"??? Toben's is "Orange", and Noah's is "Rocky Road" The whold fish adventure was less than a ride for all four kids at the carnival and I think they got just as big of a thrill out of it! Callie has been begging for a hamster, and Noah wants a snake. So the fish are a good test to see how "responsible" they can be! If we get to grumbling about feeding and cleaning the bowl, then we know we are not ready for pets of our own yet!

And these are just some pics from our visit with our friends! I didn't get as many as I wanted, but I tell you none of the kids were still long enough to have pictures made! It was a crazy day! And I LOVED it! I love it when the house is full of kids...especially several with little dark faces!

The Johnsons are Gone :(

The weekend went way tooo fast, and I had a horrible cold, so I wasn't my normal self! But it was a great time of fellowship with my dear friends! We did lots of talking and TONS of dreaming! One day those dreams will be reality, I just know it! So here is Kami and me....after a trip to Africa together and me going to CO, this is the first picture of just the two of we have! And of course Twiggy and James came along too! Kami will probably be posting pics of them swimming with us on her blog!

The Johnsons are Here!!!

I am so pumped! Kami and Jeremy are here! Can I tell you how refreshing it is to just chat with people who "get" me? Just to be able to be excited about the crazy things God is doing in my life with someone who is excited with me?! It is great!!!!

Today was also Toben and Ava's first day of school. Good thing! Gave me time to clean house for guests! My wonderful mother came to help me! I could never have finished with out her! I will post first day of school pics and info later....right now it is 12:15 am, and I need sleep!