When your Yes brings regrets: Face to Face with Flesh

December is always a time of great reflection for me. Christmas, my birthday, my anniversary, a year closing, a new year starting...this December was no different with the exception that I was reflecting on one of the hardest years of my life to date!

As I see 2016 come to a close, I have felt more and more bitterness and regret creep in. I don't really like either one of those emotions...and I am pretty sure that they are not part of my heavenly nature! So that means I need to do a check and see where they are coming from!

If I am honest, they have been hanging around the better part of this year. I don't know if it is getting older, realizing I have probably entered the last half of my life, or whether it is just weariness from a life lived on full blast without the self care I should have done. But whatever the reason behind it, I have had to do some reflecting to see how to get rid of it!

As I looked for the root of my bitterness and regret, every root led back to a tree that grew from a "yes" I had said to God. There are yeses in my personal life, professional life, married life, spiritual life, mom life...all kinds of parts of my life that if I had not said "yes" I would have missed out on some pain and frankly just some hard stuff! Stuff that has felt like it has taken the literal life out of me!

But I believe the Bible! I believe the Truths in it. So when my feelers don't align with what I know to be Truth, then it's time to find out why and get the feelers back in line with the Truth!

It was sitting by the Christmas tree one morning when the house was quiet that I had to come face to face with the Truth of where my bitterness and regrets were coming from. I was contemplating the "yes" that Jesus gave when he left heaven to come to earth. I was overcome with gratefulness as I reflected on ALL Jesus gave up and the pain and agony he suffered simply because He had a desire to save me...and you.

 "I haven't come from heaven to do what I want to do. I've come to do what the one who sent me wants me to do." John 6:38 

Wow! So as someone who calls themselves a Christ Follower, I did not accept Jesus as Lord to do what I want to do, but to do what He who saved me wants me to do! My yeses are NOTHING compared to the Yes Jesus gave! I have lost nothing compared to what He lost! When looking from that perspective, regret and bitterness have no place! So why were they still lurking around causing me heartache and frustration? I wanted to rebuke the devil and make him flee....but as I sat meditating on the Truth of Jesus' yes and my regrets, I realized that there was no devil here to rebuke. I was looking my flesh right in the eyes! I had got caught up in the "what could have been" had I not agreed to take the hard road! I wasn't comparing to anyone in particular, but was comparing in a general sense to what other's lives appear to be who don't have as many children, aren't married, don't work outside the home, etc, etc.....My flesh was crying out for an easier road. Then when realizing I was too far down all the paths to turn around, my flesh responded with regret and bitterness. There were times I am sure the enemy added his lies to my reflections to feed the fire my flesh started, but at the start of what I was wrestling with was simply my flesh desiring an easier road! 

So I sat that morning and asked forgiveness from the One who promises to wipe my sin as far as the east is from the west. Then I looked my flesh in the eyes again and told it what WILL be! Those yeses I gave hold great promises and abundant life I would have missed if I had not agreed to do the will of my Father! So I made a decision to view those things causing me grief not in the way they appear now, but in the way God intends them to be! God has told me 2017 is a year of HOPE. Part of Biblical HOPE is seeing things as they are in the heavenly realm and not as circumstances make them appear! I applied that truth to those yeses that were making me feel discouraged and worn out! I wish I could say the regret and bitterness immediately left. But that's not always how it happens. In the days since that morning by t

he tree, I have had to battle my thoughts and feelings! I have to continually renew my mind with what I want things to look like....not how they currently are! Once I have reset my thoughts, the regret and bitterness are replaced with HOPE and peace!

I don't know what has left you feeling regret, bitterness or hopelessness in 2016. But I would love for you to walk with me to replace those feelings with HOPE! Whatever path you are on, the Word promises Jesus knows the feelings as he experienced this sinful earth as fully man! Yet He chose to come anyway! If there is nothing else you can hang onto at this point but that HOPE, then grab on for dear life and let Jesus begin to work in you to bring HOPE to the rest of your circumstances!  And remember you are not alone! 

The Next Faith Journey: The Things I remembered and the Things I Learned

I can't believe it has been two months since I have blogged! Usually my silence means one of two things: 1) I am swamped and too busy to sit down and write or 2)I am an emotional wreck and can't get my own thoughts together enough to put them down. Both of those things would be true of the last two months! I have been at the West Texas office the last three days and had a full day yesterday of simply being with my mom and RELAXING! So as I sit here in the quiet house with my coffee in my Christmas mug (Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but before this morning thinking about Christmas brought great anxiety!!), I am ready to process just a bit..

We are on day EIGHTY-THREE of this madness! From the day we started living out of suitcases to today has been 83 days....and I have now unpacked ONE box! Seriously! We moved our furniture into the house on day 64! Truly this has been the most difficult season of my life as far as complete and total chaos, stress, and learning to persevere! There are so many blog posts that could come from the last two months....but instead of writing the novel that could be written, I think I will just jot down a few of the lessons I have learned or been reminded of over these weeks.

1.  You can survive a week without a shower...but those around you might not. (The one who went a week without a shower will remain nameless to protect the stinky.)
2. As a mom you have to do things that make you want to throw up and tear your heart out, but you do them because they are the best thing for your children in the long run! And it makes you think about God and how He sees some of the things I do/don't do!
3. I am stronger than I think I am in some areas, but not as strong as those around me think I am in others.
4. A family of 10 is really expensive to feed without a kitchen.
5. You can cook with only one small knife, one sauce pan and one skillet..even for 10 people!
6. You can't survive tough times without a village. There were people who picked up kids when I couldn't make it to the school. There were people who took or picked up from practices when I just couldn't get there. And most importantly in the days when I could not even form a prayer to lift to heaven, there were warriors holding up my arms and praying for me! I never doubted God, I never felt mad at God, but from shear emotional and physical and spiritual exhaustion, I just couldn't pray. But they did. And through their prayers, I saw God move mountains and make provisions that left me in awe of my good, good, Father!
7. Free will stinks!
8. You CAN survive a move, remodel, emergency appendectomy hospital stay for one kid, a week long hospital stay for one kid all while living in two different houses with no family close enough to help. It's not pretty, but you can do it. 
9. A hug from a friend at just the right time will release a sea of tears and make you do the ugly cry right there in front of them! 
10. When you get bogged down in the process and forget all that God just brought you through (I HATE it when I act like an Israelite!), God will send a friend going through the exact same process he just took you through so that as you share all your faith and stories of miracles with your friend, you are encouraged in your own walk! 
11. Self care is vital! Stress will do bad/weird things to you...like make you itch all over!!! And without self care, it will eventually take you down.
12. Self care has to involve all three parts of your being: Spirit, body and soul!
13.  Dogs who run through the woods do get fleas. And fleas are very hard to get rid of. And just mentioning fleas makes me itch.
14. When one of your kids' counselors dismisses them to ask you how you are and you fall apart, it might be time to get your own counselor. 
15. You can hear God in the sound of the falling leaves and the chirping of the frogs and no matter what is going on in your life, in that moment there is peace.
16. You can't take junk into the promised land. You have to leave it behind...and that can mean war with the "giants".
17. Not all people keep their word. I hope the new owners of our old house enjoy my bedspring chandelier... :(
18. God makes provision for the things in your future that you don't yet know you need. Like an employee that it took three years to find, but was right on time for what we just went through. Without her, the agency would have crumbled over the last three months. God knew that and had her in place right when she needed to be. Satan better watch out! Monday morning we are both back in the saddle and ready to kick him in the teeth to redeem a generation of waiting kiddos in Texas! 
19. It took Caleb 40 years to see his promised land from the time he stood in faith and said that they could take down the enemy that the other spies said would never be defeated! FORTY YEARS! I guess I shouldn't be whining about 83 days! #perspective
20. Obedience to God does not always end in nice happy endings. Really, the Bible doesn't teach that. But somewhere in American Christianity that has become an expectation. But what obedience does is allow you to see God work in your life and teach you knew facets of His character as you experience them instead of just reading about them in the lives of other people! 
21. God's provision is limitless. Financially, emotionally, physically...there is so much that I can look at over this process and KNOW that while it has been the most trying thing I have done, God never left us, but provide again and again to give encouragement and the ability to keep walking in the direction He told us to go! 
22. Finally, I have learned that I want to always choose obedience over safety. I can't say that in the really hard days! But on a day like today where I have had rest and am sitting at my mom's house where it is quiet with my coffee in my Christmas mug, I can say that the lessons learned and the ability to see new facets of God's character are worth the struggles! And just like Him, he reminded me this weekend two different times that despite what we have been through, if I will cling to Him, He will bring me through! I had seriously felt like I had lost all my joy. I wasn't sure I would get it back. The last 83 days have taken everything I have on all levels. The enemy has lied and tried daily to steal, kill and destroy all the promises God has given about the move. While I have known I made it through (really, what choice did I have), I felt like I would never be the same! But this weekend I had a stranger tell she loved how positive and happy I am. Then a friend I ran into that I had not seen in probably 10 years said, "You look exactly the same! You still have your sparkle in your eye!" Neither one of these people knew I feared that my sparkle and my joy were gone forever, but God knew! And he used the words of these two to encourage me and silence the lies of the enemy! Oh how I love Him! 

So that's it in a nutshell! There really is so much more! But I have to get my suitcases packed to head home! You know I have made a comitment to be transparent on here. So in keeping with that commitment, I will share that as I woke up this morning, anxiety and the overhelming fear of returning home stated to take over. I am one of those that becomes paralyzed when I am overwhelmed. It is a weapon the enemy has used all of my life! But I refuse to let him win today. So if I come to mind, I would love your prayers for those feelings to bow a knee and alow me to hit the floor running when I get home! Love on my kids and then unpack a few boxes! Thank you all for taking this journey with me! It has been amazing to hear your stories and know that sharing some of mine has encouraged you in yours as you have in mine! 

The Next Faith Journey: We could use your prayers....

So this is a picture of the room we are sleeping in now!

That's 5 beds you see with two more out of view....with two more that will move in tomorrow when the demo starts upstairs. We are two weeks into this "adventure" and to say that everyone's patience is running thin would be an understatement. We had some pretty significant tension this evening. Our kids really have been troopers...but everyone has their limits and we all feel like we are reaching ours.

So if we come to mind, we could use your prayers! John and I need wisdom on how to handle the next two or three weeks as the remodel completes. After tomorrow there is a good chance that we will not have a working bathroom in the house. We have a couple of options of places to stay that have been graciously offered to us. We just need to know the best way to make this work with us all intact in the end! 

I have done a lot of talking with different members of my family today about how hard this has been and how none of us wanted it like this. John and I have explained to our older kids again that our plan was to never live in the house in this condition, but circumstances were beyond our control. I am sure this is building character in them...and us...but some days you just don't want any more character, you simply want comfort, peace and a clean floor! That's kind of where we are all at today.

Yet even this evening as it was clear the enemy was ramping up his game on my family, I was reminded of a verse in Joshua that I have been studying. It's right before they are about to cross the Jordan in to the Promised Land. Joshua tells the tribes to prepare themselves because "tomorrow God will do wonders among you!" I don't know why we had to walk this path this way! Did John and I panic and make some decisions we didn't really pray through? Possibly! Did we do exactly what we needed to and God is just building character? Possibly! No matter the why, I know the enemy wants to use it to keep me out of my promised land, to keep my husband out of his promised land, and my kids out of their promised land! I know the enemy is stepping up his game as fatigue and weariness settle in. But I am not giving up! I am preparing myself and covering my family in prayer because I truly do believe that through this, God is going to do wonders! Wonders in, around and through us! Right now, the weariness is heavy...and three of the babies and me have some kind of upper respiratory thing going on, so we do covet your prayers for stamina and health as well as clear and precise plans for the coming week...and prayers for our contractors to have easy processes with no surprises and speedy work!  

Even as I type this I am reminded that tomorrow God will do wonders because it is closing day!! One closes at 8:15, and the other at 3:30! Thank you all for joining us on this journey! I have loved your comments and the messages you have shared with me through this process. So many in the Body are on journeys of faith! It's an exciting time to be alive! 

.....but for now, sleep! Good night! 

The Next Faith Journey: We are in....

It’s been awhile since I have written! Sorry for those who are following the blog…..God did move the mountains and our buyers found another lender to process their loan. However, the excitement over that fact soon waned as the reality of the next weeks started to seep in. The original plan was to live in our old house for a week (we got a one week lease back) so that we could get a significant way into remodeling the new house before we had to move in. We had hoped to have one floor of the house completed so that we could move into that while the rest was being done. With us not being able to close on our house, however, we could not start any type of construction.

So, we moved into the house that needs remodeling on mattresses with suitcases. Due to spending hours on the phone at the end of the move time trying to get a loan worked out so the sell of our house did not fall through, our packing was delayed significantly. So the end move became one great big mess! All the best plans for organization and packing to live were gone! Add to that the fact that when we move it is the equivalent of moving 2 and a half families! That’s a lot of stuff! We literally filled trailers and moved boxes and belongings from sun up to way past sundown for EIGHT days! To say we were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is an understatement! Add to that the dynamics of moving 8 kids, two of whom do not do change well, into mass chaos….well, you get the picture! And if that was not enough, we also threw in an emergency appendectomy after Noah came home from school last Monday in great pain and throwing up! We are definitely feeling the refining in this journey!

We had packed for 10 days of displacement. We are now going on week three! So life looks a little like this:

Just keeping it real here! 

The first few days living in the house, the excitement of actually being on the property carried me! That and fishing in the evenings with my favorite little people! It was surreal that we could walk out our backdoor and catch fish! All the kids were outside interacting with each other…that in itself is a miracle and made my mommy heart swell! But the reality of the chaos soon took over. That and the fact that we really had no end date. They were saying three weeks to close which meant three weeks of mass chaos before even bigger chaos to move out for the last of the remodel! My head could not even comprehend what that looked like. Add to that the daily tasks of trying to do laundry with nowhere to put the clothes, cooking meals with no pots, pans or utensils….you get the picture! I truly thought I was going to lose my mind! There were a couple of days where if could I find a way out, I would have taken it. I truly thought I had reached my mental capacity and something had to give! All the while, I am watching friends around me lose parents to cancer, lose babies to birthmoms changing their minds, friends dealing with loss of jobs and facing financial ruin…all while I am moaning and complaining about a blessing God is providing me. But here is what I have learned in my life, it is all about perspective! While I can look at those other circumstances and clearly see they are more severe than mine, the enemy tells lies and creates scenarios where my circumstances seem just as dire! My biggest mistake in this entire process was not spending every morning with Jesus! I was physically exhausted, so I tried to sleep longer than I should have. After about 5 days of that, I had no perspective except a worldly, circumstantial, satan ridden view of my life. And it looked like the current condition of chaos and yuck was going to last forever and be impossible to survive! It wasn’t until I got alone with Jesus…out under the trees in one of my favorite spots that I felt the weight and weariness lift off!

I have often read Exodous and wondered how the Israelites could grumble and complain and ask to go back to captivity given all they saw God do. However, I was just like the Israelites in this move! God had moved mountains! He had given me a faith stronger than any I had ever had to face the challenges of the loan without wavering one bit. I was so proud of how I had handled myself in the trials of the process…until the actual move! So what changed? What took me to a place of grumbling and complaining and seemingly hopelessness? It was one thing…taking my eyes of Jesus! It sounds so simple. And it really is. Just. That. Simple! I started looking at the waves around me, and I sank! But here is the deal, it only took one moment of worship and being reminded that my reality comes from heaven to earth to refocus myself! It was a quick reminder that when my emotions and feelings start heading for the pit, I better find some headphones or a quiet spot and get the Word or worship or both running through my mind to refuel, restore and renew me!

Right now we are set to close on both houses on Wednesday! That is 48 hours. Even in the chaos, John and I walk around our property in awe that we would ever own such a piece of heaven on earth! For a gal who grew up in the West Texas desert (which by the way I also think is beautiful!), to now sit under trees in plush grass with a tree lined pond in front of her truly feels like a dream. One of my new favorite de-stressers is to come out in the evenings and watch the fireflies as they start to light up the wooded area behind our house. I am ashamed that I grumbled and complained about such a blessing regardless of how hard the journey has been….BUT God loves me all the same! He doesn’t sit in disgust that I didn’t walk all of this journey well! The stress is not over! We are about to move all 10 of us into one living room! :) Prayers appreciated! Ha! But I am determined to end well! I am determined to keep my eyes on Jesus… on the blessings and not the circumstances! Can I encourage you to do the same in whatever journey you are facing that is stretching you? I know many who are facing much worse things than moving into a living area with 9 of their favorite people! But I know a God who is big enough and gracious enough and FAITHFUL enough to handle it no matter what it is!

I would love to pray with you for your circumstances to line up with heaven if you need to know someone is walking with you! Just leave me a comment if you are not on my Facebook! Or you can always email me at hollyann@addyshope.com if you need to know someone is praying and believing with you! Keep believing and looking in His face!  

the next FAITH Journey.....

So I knew God was asking us to take a step of faith when he asked us to move to a new house...and that's why I titled it "the next faith journey". What I didn't know was the measure of FAITH it was going to take to stay on the journey to the promised land and not just break free and run back to Egypt!

Yesterday at 5:00 we were told that the buyers of our house could not get their loan. I won't go into details to protect their privacy, but I will say that it was the poor actions of a lender that got us all at this point! These are amazing people with great credit...and a lender who didn't do his job!

But none the less, that left us without a buyer at 5:00 last night. When John told me, I was completely calm...a little startled, but no stress or anxiety or anger or sadness...just peace. Can I just tell you that is not me! When things fall apart like that, I jump to worse case scenarios and the "Really, God?! This is what your love looks like??" accusations! But this time I simply said, well that doesn't change what God has already said about the outcome. That house is ours! I spoke back all the things he had done along the way to confirm that we are supposed to move! There are MANY! Even yesterday....as I have already shared, our loan was slowed down because of our lender. But yesterday afternoon we got our clearance to close! God knew we would need a little hope, a little reminder that He is in the details no matter what else is going on!

I was introduced to Truth of living from Heaven to earth by an amazing woman of God who mentored me for almost 3 years. It is the Truths that I learned in my time with her as well as sermons and teachings out of Bethel Church in Redding that I know God is working in and through me right now. It is these truths that allow me to stand firm in what God has said...no matter the circumstances!

As I type this, our buyers do not have a loan. However, we are still planning to move on Thursday to our new house so our kids can start school. We can't start the remodel, so we will be camped out on mattresses! :) It's gonna be an adventure for sure! But we are not letting the enemy have any territory in this battle! God has said this is our promised land....and we are taking it! I told John yesterday as we processed the news, I can't imagine that the Israelites felt warm fuzzies as they saw the Egyptians closing in on them from one side and the Red Sea in front of them! I imagine there was some doubt and fear and anger in them as they looked at their circumstances. But with one command from God, the Red Sea parted and they were provided a way to their promised land and the defeat of their enemies all at once! I think that's where we stood yesterday...and still this morning. But I am facing the Red Sea just waiting for the dry ground to appear so we can run onto our land! Satan can eat my dust! ;)

God has already shown great favor and our buyers have their information with a lender that John knew. We should have an answer by this afternoon if this lender will approve them for the loan or not. This lender says there will be no problem closing in 2 to 3 weeks....another provision of the Lord. And even before we asked, the wonderful family we are buying the house from offered to let us move in and lease it for as long as we needed to so our kids could start school in their new school. Faithful. That is what my God is!

Why have we hit these bumps? I don't know. But I do know that through the bumps, I have found a new confidence in God's love for me! I have found a new confidence in my ability to ride the waves of the storm and not get seasick! I am truly thankful for the lessons.

None of this changes what God has said! It changes how we get there...and the logistics of it are still a little sketchy, but it doesn't change the outcome! Now, we continue to war through prayer and faith...and we wait for the earthly circumstances to line up with what we already know has been spoken in the heavenlies! I'll let you know just as soon as that sea parts!

The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....

Oh, the journey! I can't say that I am loving the journey at the moment, but I can say I am loving the peace that I am experiencing in the turmoil! :)

So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!

But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"

I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!

But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!

I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!

The Next Faith Journey: God's Provision

Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.

I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!

Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!

Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!

Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!

There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!

I said I would never home school.....

So I have learned to never say never! After my last endeavor at home schooling (CallieAnn home schooled the last half of 6th grade and Paizley home schooled her sophomore year), I said I did not ever want to do that again...unless...it was in the best interest of one of our kids.

CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.

CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.

So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.

It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!

So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.

We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!

"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4

Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....

You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...

That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.

Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?!  Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.

So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome,  I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!

As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!

So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!

Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push"  her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!

For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!

The Next Faith Journey: Around the mountain again and SOLD!

Just when we wondered if it would ever happen, it did! We had one offer on the table, but the buyer had to sell their house. They had not even put it on the market yet, and had backed out twice on putting it on the market...so we were not totally sure they would go through with it. So we scheduled an open house. We have been told by numerous real estate agents that open houses don't work. But we had asked God if there was anything we needed to do in our wait, and we both felt having an open house was His answer. Within two hours of the end of the open house we had an above asking price offer that was not contingent and gave us a week lease back at no cost! Truly, a gift from God! God has spoken to me at the beginning of the process that we would know His love by the sell of our house. In my desires, I had assumed that meant a fast sell! But as we sat down to sign the contracts, I was overwhelmed with God's love as I looked at how He has truly blessed us with a stress free contract! And the couple has been AMAZING to work with! We had the inspection and easily agreed up on what needed to be fixed and how it would be fixed, It has truly been the most stress free contract we have ever had on a house! That's God's love...extravagant and peaceful! And abundant...literally while we were signing the contract that night to send back to their agent, John received a text from one of the other people who had put an offer on it a few weeks back. They were wanting to put an offer on it again...abundance! Such a great picture of God's love for a gal who is very legalistically wired and has a hard time believing God just gives good gifts because He loves us and is a good Father who just wants to lavish great things on his children!

But I have to tell you, the journey is almost comical as we look back at it. I mean like you could write a pretty hysterical cartoon about our trip to that point. Once God spoke to us that we were not to battle for the sell of our house, but instead were to rest so that He could give it to us as a demonstration of his love, it took us a couple of trips around the mountain. I had a very wise mentor that would say God takes us around the mountain until we learn the lesson sometimes. I would definitely say that is the case here.

We had so much interest over the course of the 44 days it took to sell our house. It seemed like it was constantly a game of "this offer is on the table" then "they backed out and we are back to square one". It was an emotional roller coaster of excitement that our house was possibly sold and disappointment when it fell apart. But after God spoke that it was not a war to fight, but a time to rest in His love, I tried to stay focused on that. John and I both had our moments where we could just rest in that and circumstances did not make us waiver, but we also both had moments where the circumstances over came us and despair, fatigue and frustration set in! But here is the cool thing! About two days before the open house, I felt God say, "Trust me!" I had this sense of wanting to just free fall into God's love. I literally pictured myself falling off a ledge and bouncing up into the air again as I hit his "love" as if I hit a trampoline (in case you don't know by now, I am very visual! ;) ) I was honest and told God that I was scared to let myself fall because I wasn't sure how I would survive if he let me hit the ground instead of catching me! Typing that, I understand how ridiculous it sounds that God would drop me, but in my heart, that was my fear. I only heard one word in return -JUMP! So I did!

The next day we got discouraging news about the family who was putting their house on the market to buy ours (this was before our open house). As soon as John told me, I had a very brief moment of panic, and then the familiar voice - "I've got you! Keep falling!" And I did! I did not waiver one bit in my resolve to trust God and keep falling into His love! And so did John! For the first time in all the roller coaster ride, John and I both at the same time did not let circumstances dictate our emotions. We did not let circumstances dictate our mood. We stood on what God had said and resolved to wait until His time to make circumstances line up with what He had already spoken! We had finally walked around the mountain enough times - we had the lesson not just in our head as knowledge, but in our heart and had changed how we operated! And the next day, we received the amazing contract! I can't say that I have ever "felt" God's love more than I did in that moment. The free fall didn't end in me shattered at the bottom, but instead wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father smiling down at me!

And even the timing has been perfect despite my begging God to give us a contract sooner....we will be able to stay in our house one week which puts us needing to live somewhere just as my in-laws are headed on vacation leaving their house empty! We will move in the new house the week after school starts,  (the first week we will be close enough for the kids to start school, just not in our house) so no sitting at a new house with no friends making the kids more anxious about life in a new city....so many things that show God's extravagant love and provision for us! Truly thankful for the lessons we have learned on this journey! In nearly 19 years of marriage and all the "adventures" John and I have taken, I would say that this one by far has exceeded any in teaching us spiritual truths as individuals but most of all as a couple! Some day we will share our entire testimony....but for now I am resting in the fact that we have walked together closer spiritually through this than ever before! And can I tell you, the enemy hates that! Which will have to be a post for another time! :)

Thank you for those who have taken this journey with us! It has been amazing to hear all the stories of those who have shared. Many of you are still journeying (as are we....this journey isn't just about a house but about our family entering a spiritual promised land that we are still fighting to retake!)...please know that I am believing with you for God's extravagant, loving and best for you ending to your journey as well! Don't give up! He has amazing things for you!

The Next Faith Journey: Learning to rest in my identity

Well the journey continues! And as seems to be the case for the Petrees, it is a crazy ride! Last week we had three OFFERS in one day! We were so pumped and felt sure this was the reason for the delay! Three offers would mean a higher sales price. Well, you would think so! I think we may be the only people in history that can have three offers in one day and end up with no contract! We had one offer negotiated and were just waiting on the signed contract with the new conditions to be sent to us. Instead, 12 hours later, they decided to reduce their offer by $20,000! We had things going on that left even the buyers' realtors stunned! This all started last weekend...and the last of the three offers left the table of negotiation Friday.

There are all kinds of emotions and thoughts that go through your heart and head during a week like that! Most of them not good! However, the one that kept coming up and took me totally by surprise was fear. I mean like knots in your stomach, heart racing, fast breathing fear. Fear is not something I have ever really struggled with. I was a worrier in high school, but God really worked in me even with that at a pretty young age. You don't take two families to an African nation you have never been to yourself and navigate their legal system and the US immigration system for the first time to bring home 5 children with fear as a companion! Relying on God in circumstances like that had come even at a pretty low level of spiritual maturity for me....because it had to in order to do what God had called me to. So this feeling that would come over me several times a day had me puzzled! And looking for the cause and solution because I didn't like it!

Friday afternoon after John had let me know the last offer wasn't going to pan out either, I just cried out to God and asked if we were still supposed to move? I had been holding tight to promises and moving forward in faith crashing anything that threatened to stand in the way! But after last week, I was left thinking maybe I was crashing through so hard that I was missing God's redirection. I never want circumstances to dictate what God is telling me or allow them to be "signs" as to whether or not God is calling me to something, but at the same time, if God was putting up road blocks to keep us from a mistake, I wanted to back down and regroup. God didn't necessarily answer that cry with new words, but  He did remind me of the promises of the move..and he reminded me of sermons and different bits of information that he had provided throughout the process at times of discouragement. It was like he was reminding me that every time we faced doubt or discouragement on this journey, he had provided some little nugget that kept us moving in the right direction...kind of like the breadcrumbs left on a trail to lead us to the end! And with that I put doubt to rest. But the fact still remained we cannot move until our house sells....and our timeline for being able to move before school starts in order to have the kids in their new school at the beginning of the year is getting really tight! So why is our house not selling?!

John sent me a text not long after I had cried out to God and put doubt to rest. He was doing some things around the house, and God had spoken to him that we would have been settling. It had been very clear that the last offer would have been very difficult to deal with, and probably not where we wanted to be on price. So God just asked John, "Why do you want to settle? Why do you not want all that I have for you?" Well, that's a great question! Bottom line, we don't....but we do still have to sell our house. So we went into the weekend somewhat encouraged and looking forward to showings being booked. And yet, we had not a single showing on Saturday or Sunday....but that was ok because God had given me a revelation Saturday morning.

I listen to the sermons out of Bethel in Redding on a regular basis. I listened to a teaching Bill Johnson gave at their Kingdom Come Conference this past week. As Bill spoke, I felt like he was talking directly to me from God! More faithfully than any other time we have stood on a promise of God that was delayed in coming, this time John and I have put into practice the weapons of warfare and contended and activated faith! We have prayed as individuals and as a couple (something we struggle to do if we are totally transparent with you!). We have written scriptures down and declared them. We have literally walked around the outside of our house and prayed for the walls blocking the sale of it to fall...we have done all the spiritual disciplines in the physical to bring breakthrough in the natural. And yet, we still do not have a buyer for our house. Bill's teaching was on exactly this. He said sometimes when breakthrough doesn't come in the warring, it is because he is not trying to show you your authority, instead he is trying to show you your IDENTITY! Sometimes God wants us to just be still and let him bring the breakthrough to us as a showing of his love and a demonstration of our identity as sons and daughters of God! Talk about mind blown......

See God has told me over and over that the sell of our house would be a demonstration of his love. Without going into all my baggage of faith journeys (that would have to be a series on its own), this journey had seemed to be lining up exactly with what I felt about God's love for me....it goes something like "you will do it for others but not me", "standing on your promises brings disappointment and frustration", "walking by faith brings maturity, but I am not sure I want to be more mature anymore". But I know those are not the Truths of scripture, and I want desperately for the Truths of scripture to be my response no matter what the circumstances. I want a different thought when someone mentions God's love to cross my mind.

Operating in authority is not a problem for me. God gave me a bold personality that definitely needed sanctifying! Through the years as he has called me to speak up for children and advocate on all levels, I have learned to operate in authority from him. So when we started this journey, I had no problem praying, declaring Truths, yielding the weapons of warfare to bring about breakthrough in authority! But what Bill was talking about was a new thing! Receiving the breakthrough simply because I am God's daughter and He loves me? (He based the teaching on Jesus telling us to come to him and receive the kingdom as little children!) Now that is something I struggle with!

As I have unpacked this over the last few days, I have realized recognizing and receiving God's love is a real struggle for me. For many, that would seem odd as I had an amazing childhood. I had a wonderful father who was an amazing (and still is!) example of a father's love for his daughter! I am still a Daddy's Girl through and through. I had a mother who was involved in everything I did and made it her life's work to raise her children. However, I was teased all through school. I learned at a very young age that my value according to the world's standards was next to nothing. I struggled to feel like I had worth. That's why I graduated third in my class in high school and was first chair flute most of my high school career. I found the things I was good at and worked hard to prove my worth in those. As that little girl and emerging young woman, I had my parents there telling me every time I broke down how much I was loved and valued. They reminded me that my worth was not in my looks. I had those constant reminders of what really mattered in life! But my adult life has been a bit of a different story.

I have spent most of my adult life fighting feelings of worthlessness and feeling like I will never measure up to ________ (so many things could fill that blank!). Please understand I am not sharing this for pity or pats on the back! I am sharing because I don't think I am the only one who struggles with this in Christian circles...especially Christian women circles! And I believe God is wanting to show us something new! We have been asked to leave churches because of our ministry that God called us to. I have been unable to serve in places I felt called to serve because I was not friends with the minister's wife or the elder's wives. Struggles in marriage, failures as a parent, the list goes on and on of how the enemy has tried desperately to steal my identity and my value as a daughter of God! And honestly, he's done a darn good job of it! The thought that God would just hand me a buyer for the house and an amazing new home without me "earning" it or proving myself or fighting a battle for it is truly a foreign concept....which I am sure is why he is asking me to do it! He is doing a new thing in me!

But can I share something?! I am almost like a giddy school girl on Christmas morning as I just sit and wait to see how he lavishes His love on me through this journey! I am totally unworthy of it, and know the depths of how undeserving I am....but that's the greatest thing! Despite all of that, he wants to do it anyway!!! I know he has tilled my heart over the last few months and probably years to be ready for this lesson! It is bringing some junk to the surfaces that is not fun, but also needs to be dealt with if I am going to walk in this new identity in freedom! Can I tell you how amazing it is to just rest?! This weekend was packed! I have no idea how we would have stopped, picked up the house and left for an hour at any moment on Saturday or Sunday! When fear would start to creep in that without showings our house will not sell, I would hear this little whisper say, "But I love you! Watch what I will do!" And fear would leave, and I would find myself actually saying a prayer of thanks that we did not have a showing! I don't have this all figured out! I am still chewing on all it means and all God is showing me, but if you have been warring for breakthrough and have not seen it, can I challenge you to go to bethel.tv, buy the Salt and Light conference, and listen to this teaching! Perhaps, like me, God is not wanting you to yield your authority, but instead is wanting you to rest in your identity! He loves us! And he is wanting desperately to show us just how much!

The Next Faith Journey: Losing Focus

Warning: This is not a pretty, neat, all the ends wrapped up with a nice lesson at the end post! It's messy!

But I have committed to documenting this journey in all transparency...so welcome to my mess!

The last two weeks have been rough! I started this journey committed to the journey. Meaning, keeping my focus on God and the day to day walk instead of focusing on an outcome. You see, when we focus on an outcome, then we have lost focus of the One Who called us to that outcome. When we focus on an outcome and our journey takes us in a different direction than that outcome, we question God's goodness, faithfulness and even at times, His existence! But when we focus on Him and the step by step of the journey, then no matter where we end up at the end of the journey we are satisfied because we have drawn close to God and learned more about His character and His love for us. I started this journey determined to do the latter!

But a few days ago, I realized my focus had shifted. You see when we started with the Country Club house, it was pretty easy to focus on the journey because the outcome was almost as scary as the journey itself....that house needed a LOT of work, and a LOT of resources to make it what we had hoped it would be. But now that we had the Austin Stone house as the outcome, the outcome became more than I had ever hoped or imagined for a home I would ever live in. That made the outcome very desirable and the journey felt excruciating!

God has spoken clearly to John and I both that this move is the process of us coming out of the wilderness and moving into our Promised Land. As God does in his very personal relationship with us, His children, and as a God who is into the details, He had given me Deuteronomy 7:1-2 as our family verse for 2016. These verses talk of the "nations" that are inhabiting the land God is calling the Israelites to inhabit. Verse 2 says, "and when the Lord your God gives them over to you, and you defeat them, then you must devote them to complete destruction." There is a whole series of posts I could do from all just that one verse has taught me this year already, but for now lets just say that the "devoting them to compete destruction" has meant for the last couple of weeks the issues in me, my kids, my marriage and my family that God knows has kept us from being all we could be as individuals and as a family (our promised land) have bubbled to the surface so we can deal with them. And can I just say when your trash bubbles to the top, well, it ain't pretty!

So with the view of the journey being a trash heap, the view of the outcome became my focus - in an unhealthy way! I knew I was in trouble when twice I heard myself telling John, "If we don't move, I don't think I will make it!" I am not quite as shallow as that comment sounds. In both cases, I was referring to the "move" in the context that it will be our promised land and these issues we are dealing with will have been put to death and defeated once and for all - put to "complete destruction!" But still, I had just put to words where my heart was - if I didn't get the outcome I wanted, then I was done. So what that really says is that the outcome is more important, more powerful, and more meaningful to me than God who called me to this journey and will be the same at the end (no matter the outcome) as He was at the beginning! So I tried desperately to regain my focus and press into God making Him the main thing again!

As we have dealt with our "nations" inhabiting our promised land (read strongholds and issues we need to submit to God), we have had to deal with some pretty heavy stuff! God has brought some things to the surface of my heart and in our family to deal with that I thought were long gone. Even this morning as I woke up, the heaviness of many of the things we are working to put to complete destruction felt like a weight sitting on my chest making it almost impossible to breath. So in keeping with my transparency of this journey with the good, the bad and the ugly (today being the latter), I just wanted to share...in case there is anyone else out there walking a path that doesn't have a nice packaged look with the bow on top just yet. I just wanted you to know you are not alone! And I also want to encourage you to keep pressing in! I am! Yesterday when the heaviness threatened to overtake me, I put on praise music, raised my hands, danced, and praised until the heaviness lifted just enough for me to feel God's love and presence! There was another day that as I drove to pick up kids at 5:00, I repeated out loud in my car, "God is good! God is faithful! God is for me, He is not against me!" I just spoke Truths whether I felt them or not until the heaviness lifted just enough that I knew I could make it through the rest of the day. This is a war we are in! Satan is not letting go of us easily as we walk toward our promised land! But keep walking! Use the weapons of warfare we have to fight back! If you need someone to share your struggles with, please message me! I am happy to stand with you...pull you along on days you need a little help, and you can do the same for me! What I know more than anything is that the enemy wants to isolate us in these times because we are much easier to take down alone! Don't let him use that strategy on you....we are the Body of Christ, and we need to help each other out in tough times! Our promised land is waiting.....

The Next Faith Journey: He's no crystal ball....

So we are still on our faith journey to our promised land. It feels like our journey has hit a great big brick wall, but we are believing by faith that the wall will crumble! So we are pressing on!

I said from the beginning that I wanted to take this journey well...to not focus on the outcome but on the daily walk. I can say that some days, I have done a really good job at that. The last week has not been one of those days.

Our house is showing almost daily. That sounds like a great thing...and ultimately it is. But when you consider there are 10 people living in our home with 4 of them being small humans, keeping a house show ready is exhausting! I found myself crying out to God to please just tell me when the house would sell! His response was epic! He was gentle. I could picture Him sitting on His throne in all his glory, shaking his head with a huge smile and a belly laugh while he said, "HollyAnn! I am not a crystal ball!" Ouch! But he didn't stop there! He went on to remind me that he is not a crystal ball because he is relational! He knows if he would just say on June 12, a couple will look at your house and offer you $xxxxx for it, that I would say thank you and then go about my days in my self-reliant and human nature way! I would check that off as "done!" and truck along. But that is not what God wants. He wants me trusting Him. He wants me resting in His promise. He wants me using those promises and those times with Him to war against the doubt and lies and hopelessness that the enemy uses to rob my joy in the journey. I know this journey is training ground!

So I have had the "I am not a crystal ball" rolling around in my head for a few days. But every day that goes without an offer is an arrow the enemy throws at my weak places. I had to take an unexpected trip back to West Texas this weekend. Everything about the trip was a disaster. I was standing on faith for another area, and again, it didn't work as I had thought or prayed it would. Discouraged didn't even begin to describe my state of being. I was desperately trying to hold to Truths....desperately trying to not waiver or be double minded. And yet, I could feel the water from the waves of the storm I was riding starting to come into the boat....

On the plane ride home, I put on my headphones, cranked up the worship music and cried out to God! I love flying! While I know it is super silly and theologically unsound, I just feel closer to God in a plane! I love looking down on the earth below and imagining what God sees yet He singles me out of ALL of that and speaks so clearly and personally. It really makes a gal feel special! Yesterday was no different. As I looked down on all the landscape and thought about our house as well as the situation I had just left, God pointed out this section of trees. It looks like a path had been cut through the trees. God began to speak about the path and our journey of faith. You see if I was at that first bend in the path, I would not be able to see the end because of the curves and turns in the path as well as the trees blocking my view. Even if I had been told that end is there and it is 2.7 miles from you, I would not know where exactly the end was because of the turns and twists in the path. I would need the clear path to direct me. God reminded me that He is the cleared path! Just like I can look down and see the entire path from the plane, He can see my journey just the same! But a person standing at the first curve of the path would not be able to see what I see and might doubt whether the path really had an end or not. He reminded me that my time with him each morning would be what would show me where to step...and as I took that step, a new section of the cleared path would be visible just as it would be for a person walking this path I was looking at. But they would have to trust that by following the cleared sections, they would get where they wanted to go. And I would have to do the same with God!

Then He had one more nugget of truth for me in the path. Don't stop! If a person were to get frustrated at the first or second or third turn because they couldn't see the end yet, and they sat down in their frustration, they would never reach the end! God knew in my heart I was sitting down on our journey. I was weary and tired and just wanted to be at the end. So I sat down. He gave me that gentle nudge to get back on my feet and keep walking because the end is there...just as clearly as I could see the end of the path I was looking at!

So I came home ready to keep the faith! I want to hold His hand and walk this journey trusting, listening and developing even more intimacy with the One who knows the end at the beginning as we journey through the turns! I want to come out on the other side of this closer to Him than when I started. So I am walking on, and He is teaching me much about myself as we walk!

The Next Faith Journey: In the Crosshairs of Satan

It would seem that as soon as I hit send on that last blog post, satan decided to sift us like wheat! What I hadn't shared because I was waiting for that really cool blog post to reveal it, ha!, was that things were progressing with our offer on the Austin Stone house. They had already verbally accepted out offer. We are just working out the details of the contract. It is an estate, so things are moving a little more slowly than they would traditionally, but still, things are moving! AND we had an offer on our house that was what we needed! It had not even hit MLS yet, and we are listing it ourselves. So everything (read circumstances) seemed to be lining up exactly with what we felt God was calling us to do! Then yesterday.

While I was taking kids to school, John calls me. The realtor for the couple buying our house, the ones who LOVE your home and really want it, had sent an email saying that they were withdrawing their offer. "Their plans had changed." And there was the first crack in the foundation I was standing on by faith.

Really, I did ok with that news. I was disappointed, but I just vocalized what I know to be true...God is still good, and God is still faithful! I did have to guard my thoughts carefully because there was a run away train of doubt and confusion and bitterness that wanted to start itself up, but I was determined to shut it down with the Truths I know about the God that I believe has called us to this journey!

To add to this day, John was leaving to go to Michigan for five days! Oh, and did I mention this is our last week of school?! So all you mommas know what that means for my week! I had traveled for work all last week (four straight days!!!!) leaving John to get the last of the house ready to show and care for all the kids. We were literally together less than two full days, and now he was leaving again. We have not been together more than four days straight in weeks! That is definitely taking its toll as our house is a bit difficult to operate as a single parent, not to mention not having your soul mate here to process with in person. I felt the wheels of the train turn just a bit.

John and I spent the day doing the, "what are you thinking" game. He had wifi on his plane, so we were messaging back and forth. I think we both started the day pretty strong. One message I got back from John was a reminder that we are taking our promised land, and satan is not going to let that happen without a fight. But as the day went on, I think we both at some point took our eyes off of the prize and put it on the problem. I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago. One of the sessions was on circling your promise and not your problem! It was a great lesson that God has brought to mind MULTIPLE times since then....and this morning as I talk to Him, he reminded me again. I definitely think we circled our problem yesterday! That's what fuels that run away train!

We had a showing yesterday morning, so that brought a little encouragement. But the hits kept coming. You see, satan don't play when it comes to keeping you off your promised land. The kids came home from school. One of them had an occurrence that really made moving a reality with regard to friends. It was the child that while there is a really strong reason to move for this child, and probably one of our biggest motivators to move, I also worry about the effects of the move on this child the most. As I watched my child process that pain, the run away train started down the hill.

To top off our fabulous (insert eye roll) day, I had a call from a realtor that wanted to pre-view the house yesterday. I had asked her to come while the kids were at school, but she asked to come at 5:30. I agreed as long as she understood that the children would be in the house. I am happy to take them somewhere and all leave for a family to view the house, but for a realtor preview (that is probably just someone wanting to talk us into listing with them), we just keep the children confined to one area. And y'all who know my children know exactly how easy that is! (insert eye roll again!) So I had littles eating popcorn praying they wouldn't spill it watching a movie in the media room. The big kids were scattered throughout the house ready for the "go" to gather in the living room. 5:30 came and went. Then 5:45, then 6. She never showed up! Ugh! The train picked up speed!

As I drove to pick up 1/2 price burgers from Sonic since cooking is impossible while keeping your kitchen spotless waiting on a realtor who never shows, so many thoughts were going through my mind. Are we doing the right thing? Our house may never sell. What if we have to come off our price so much that it puts us in financial strains? What if we don't have the money to do what needs to be done on the new house? What if we don't put up a fence fast enough and one of the toddlers drowns in the pond at the Austin Stone House? And just like that the enemy had fueled the run away train of thoughts that now sped widely down the hill of our promise! As I drove, I heard a voice say "Is that fear you feel?" Sure enough it was! I had let my thoughts get to a place where my disappointment had turned to fear. And this is what I know...fear is NEVER from God! Not that kind of fear. Not the irrational, stomach in knots because you are thinking about what "could happen" fear. That was my wake up call!

I was messaging with John, and he said it best. He sent me a message that said, "I just feel like we are in the crosshairs of satan and I just need God to show up!" To add to John's day, their plane had been rerouted from Chicago after circling for an hour due to bad weather. So they had to fly to Indiana to refuel, then back to Chicago. They missed their connecting flight so they had to rent cars and drive the last leg of their trip which was about 3 hours. So by the time he go to his hotel, he had been traveling for 13 hours! His day was worse than mine!

But as I realized my mind had taken off with the enemy's lies, I thought of John's message and I got angry! We might just be in the crosshairs of satan, but his is what I know. Any weapon satan has to use against me, the Word of God and the Body of Christ can deflect! So he can set his crosshairs on me, it doesn't mean he wins! That has already been settled. We win! The end has been written! So I just pulled out my Sword and put my crosshairs right back on him!

One of my dearest friends is actually in the process of moving also. They are trying to buy a house in this market which is crazy because in their price range, houses are getting multiple offers in hours and selling for over asking price. So they too have had quite the journey! It has been such an amazing God provision though. My friend is an amazing warrior in the kingdom and is most definitely a glass half full gal! So she has encouraged and challenged me in this journey to stay positive and focus on what I know about God just by listening to her do the same in her own circumstances. It has been iron sharpening iron lived out this week! That is why walking alone is not possible in this Christian life and why the Body of Christ is so important...but that is a whole other post for another time!

As I talked to Liz, God reminded me of the story of the twelve spies that were sent into the Promised Land before the Israelites crossed over. Ten of those spies came back and reported the circumstances...big giants that they could never defeat on their own...but Joshua and Caleb reported what God had said! They didn't deny that there were giants, they just reminded the crowd that God said he would hand their enemies over to them as they crossed over their territory into the land God had promised to give the Israelites! I wan to be like Caleb and Joshua.

Yesterday the circumstances overcame me. I focused on the things my eyes could see. As a Christ Follower, I am called to view those circumstances from my heavenly seat next to Christ at the right hand of God! And when I look from that view, I see the Promise and not the problem!

So this morning, I am committed to focus on the promise! We have a showing at 8:45, so the morning is already coming into line with God's promise! And when I get home...I think I will pack a couple of boxes as my "shield of faith" to remind the enemy that we ARE moving and to deflect those arrows he keeps trying to shoot through his crosshairs!

The Next Faith Journey: Obedience, Submission, and a Ram

Walking with God is never boring! That is a fact! We have taken a few twists and turns on our newest faith journey! A couple weeks ago I spent the day on Country Club Road with a contractor going over all that needed to be done. The first contractor we had met with was pretty overwhelmed with the job, so we wanted to get a second opinion. I also met with an AC company to try to figure out the 6 condensers! What a mess!

We were moving forward. We received  seller's disclosure which was pretty discouraging because they were obviously not taking it seriously. That was obvious on the question that asked if they knew of any issues with the pool drainage to which they checked no. The pool drain was completely cemented in to make a fish pond! Where I come from, that is a problem for drainage! They also talked throughout the disclosure about how the property was "priced for repairs". Remember we knew we would probably need to get it for a third of the price they were asking! But God had not released us, so we moved forward in faith as there were no definite red lights....maybe a caution light or two, but still not red!

Then God did a really cool thing!

John and I desire to have a Godly marriage! For those who haven't figured it out, I am a pretty strong personality! ;) So sometimes the Biblical roles in our home take very deliberate and methodical steps to ensure execution! And sometimes they just get completely flipped upside down before we even realize it! We have been doing the very deliberate and methodical steps in this journey! At some point that week nearly in passing when we were talking about all that had to be done on the Country Club house, John says, "I think this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation where God is asking us to walk in faith and continue on a journey to learn to trust, but he will provide a different way that is not nearly as hard or stressful as remodeling that house." I can't say that I immediately thought that there was any merit to that. However as I reflected on it over the next few days, I could see where God could have used the Country Club house to spiritually wake me up and get me in a place where I was meeting with Him again. But I still felt very much like the Country Club house was what we needed to pursue! I shared all of that with John, and we kept moving forward.

Fast forward a few days and John gets a text from a friend who lives in the community we are wanting to move to. He knows of someone who is selling their family estate. No one really seems to know how many bedrooms or bathrooms for sure. But the land and square footage sounds like what we are looking for. John thinks we should go look at it. So I am left struggling with what I know God has told me, and what my husband is asking me to do...along with the conversations we have had about Country Club possibly being a test of faith by God who all along had something much better for us. I was pretty discouraged and again questioning our sanity for even thinking about moving. I have learned in this journey that having 8 kids makes it really hard to feel as if you are always doing what is best for all of the kids! That has been a struggle for me in this process! I was struggling with not wavering in faith of what I felt God had told me, being open to what my husband was thinking, and wondering if it was all just a crazy idea from the beginning! I finally told John if he could find time in our crazy schedule to go look at it when they could meet us, I would go.

Front of the House

As we drove up, I was taken back by the yards of the house! The lot was even more stunning than Country Club Road. But the verdict on the house was still out...it was covered in ivy..like growing over the windows in ivy! Toben was with us, and he said as we drove up, "I don't want to live in this house, I am pretty sure it's haunted!" (Disclaimer: we do not teach our kids about haunted houses! Nor do we believe in ghosts! :) ) But John and I get out and meet the sweet lady who had come to show us her family's

Back of House 

Back Yard

estate. We would learn that she was one of 5 children. Her brother had built the house in the '80's for their parents. They had all raised their grandchildren there. They had lost their mother in February and none of them needed this much space. They didn't have the funds to keep it in the family. She just kept saying, "This place is magical!" As we walked through the house, I would come to agree with her! You walk from the main front door into a grand entry, into a dining room with a really long table (long enough to seat our whole family!!!!!) and on the other side of the dining room was a double door that she had thrown open to what looked like heaven on earth! There was a HUGE back porch with a deck stepping down off of that, then a lawn stepping down off the deck. Then you walk down a few more steps to get to the HUGE green back yard! We were still unclear about how many bedrooms and bathrooms the house had. As we walked through we kept count. There were a few things about the house layout that I was not sure about, (like no more game room). But as we kept walking, I fell more and more in love with the place! Final bedroom count was 7 - just what we needed! And the rooms are huge, so really no game room was a non-issue because the rooms are plenty big for toys and play! The property has a stocked pond that Toben immediately fell in love with! And she told us if we put corn out at night, our yard would be full of deer the next morning.  There was something familiar about the place that I couldn't put my finger on....something that made me know I had dreamed of a place like this but never really imagined I would ever live in one!  It was when John said, "It reminds me of a Fredericksburg home" that I finally knew what it was! I had grown up going to Fredericksburg and loving the feel of those homes and the town! I had dreamed of one day living somewhere that looked like that with Austin stone and green grass and flowers galore. And he was right...it looked just like a Fredericksburg bed and breakfast!

Even with all of that, I was unsure. What about the directions God had given me about Country Club. What about the parts of this house that made me a little unsure like the master bedroom being upstairs and both living areas being downstairs with one being fairly small compared to what we have now. Just little things that drive you crazy when trying to make a big decision like this!

As God would have it, I was headed to a women's conference that next day after looking at the house. As I drove to get my friend from the airport that evening after we looked at the house, John sent me a text that said, "I think this is our house. I think it is our Ram." You see, God had planted in John the seed that He would provide a less stressful, less intense route than Country Club because He knew we had trusted and walked in total faith in the direction He had called. But just like he did with Abraham as he was about to sacrifice Isaac, God had provided a ram for the sacrifice and spared Isaac's life and Abraham's father's heart in having to sacrifice a son.....something God would not spare himself for us, by the way! And John believed this was our Ram provided by God! It still needed some renovation, but not nearly to the extent of the other house.

So that provided me with an opportunity and the need for some serious prayer! As I sought God's will and direction, I could not get a clear answer. What I did get was released from the Country Club house in a sense. It is a little hard to explain, but how I put it to John was that I did not have the clear cut, without a doubt, answer to buy the new house that I had with the Country Club house. However, at that point, I did feel like I could walk away from the Country Club house without being in disobedience or giving up on God or faith. But I also explained for me to do that I would need him (John) to tell me he had that extreme confident, without a doubt, direction from God that this house is our house.

And just like that God provided an amazing opportunity for John and my marriage! He had given us an opportunity for marriage to work the way He intended it! He had provided an opportunity for John to lead, for me to submit. For John to love me, and for me to respect him! It was a beautiful thing!

And He didn't stop there! A few days after we decided to pursue the Austin Stone house, John got a call form the contractor who was working up a bid on the Country Club house. He asked John if we had a budget (enter hysterical laughter at the thought of us NOT having a budget!). Of course John said that we did, to which the contractor replied that they were not yet finished with all the repairs needed and were at $350,000! And just like that God provided confirmation that we had made the right decision to lay that down and pursue the other house! That was over $100,000 more than what we knew was the max we could spend to remodel!

God has once again shown me through this faith journey that He is all about the journey! He is not nearly as concerned with the outcomes of these journeys as we are....but what He is concerned with is the way these journeys change and mature and grow us into His likeness! It has been refreshing in this journey to stop and smell the roses so to speak! I can say that this is the first time I have embraced that Truth and committed to focusing on the journey and not on the outcome! It has truly been a refreshing journey that has brought me back to a place of trust and faith. It has made me fall even more madly in love with my Savior and taught me so much about Him and how He loves me!

Don't get me wrong...I am excited to see where this journey ends as well, but until we arrive at the end, I am devoted to taking each step focused on Him and learning to walk in total reliance, faith and trust of my Heavenly Father who is a good daddy! I am determined to enjoy the journey!  I hope this encourages you in any faith or trust journey you are on right now! Commit today to simply hearing His voice and doing what He says for today! Tomorrow has enough troubles of it's own! ;)