He Gives & Takes Away...even children

I started this blog several weeks ago. Like many posts I  begin in this season of live, it went unfinished. However, God has called me back to this one several times...I think because it is truly a stone of remembrance for me & a point of healing and encouragement for this journey...that I may need to reread down the road. But maybe you needed to hear this too! So here it is!


Sunday was a hard emotional day. John and I both have found that church is where the emotions of what we are walking with Ava tend to bubble to the surface and refuse to be squelched. Something about being in the presence of God surrounded by other believers that make it safe to feel. It's a good thing. It's a healthy thing.

But this Sunday was especially emotional! The worship team played two blast from the past songs that we had not heard in years! One of them was Blessed Be Your Name. This song holds a special place in my story - I was on stage with the worship choir at Stonegate the Sunday after Addy died. It had only been 4 days since we had received the call that would forever change my life - she had contracted cholera from dirty water and died. As that song played that Sunday, and I sang "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord Blessed Be Your Name! When the darkness closes in, still I'm gonna say blessed be your Name!" I remember standing that Sunday, hands raised to the air, tears running down my face in obedience - in faith. That Sunday I didn't really believe the words I sang. I wanted to believe them. I wanted my heart to be able to say with confidence, with sincerity even in my current circumstance of pain, confusion, and suffering - my heart will choose to say Lord Blessed be Your Name. But I could only do the motions hoping my heart, mind, and soul would follow. But in reality, I was angry, confused, wanted to know "why", and was so hurt.

That was 13 years ago! As the song played this past Sunday I did the same thing. I stood - a mom facing another good bye of a child, heart hurting. I stood again hands stretched to she sky, tears streaming down my face my voice singing "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name!" But this time, a smile was on my face - my heart meant the words my mouth sang. In that moment, I was taken back to that stage 13 years prior when my heart ached over my other daughter - my soul wrestled with how a good God could let this happen. My heart wondered how to trust a faithful God that allowed a baby girl to die right before she knew she has a mom. But this time, this Sunday, there was no wrestling. There was no questioning. I stood singing as loudly as I could through the tears and cracking voice that "blessed be your Name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!" And this time, I MEANT IT! 

Pslam 56: 8 & 9 says

Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll—
    are they not in your record?
 Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

In that moment this past Sunday, I knew in my mind, my spirit, and my heart that God is for ME!All the tears I have cried over earthly circumstances the past 13 years, all the wrestling with how can God be faithful, good, true, loving, when my circumstances say he left, he failed, he doesn't care - all those tears have been recorded - and the song they have written has left me with a confidence in my God being good, true, loving, and faithful! As I sang this Sunday facing similar circumstances - 13 years later - many hard roads later - there was no wrestling. There was no questioning. There was only adoration, thankfulness, and peace - oh sweet peace as I gave my Savior the praise I have come to know He deserves! There is something wonderful about getting older - it's maturity. It's living life enough for scripture to move from head knowledge to heart knowledge! I don't just "believe" the scripture now.  Now the scripture actually defines me! And because of that circumstances no longer define my view of God!

The second blast from the past song was "You Said". We sang that song over and over when we were leading the youth group 18 years ago in Cotton Center! These kids are now adults with families of their own. But we stood in that little country church declaring week after week that whatever we needed, God would provide because He said! We declared that we were asking for the souls of that small town to be turned to God - it's amazing how many of the kids who stood singing those songs with us now walk with the Lord and are teaching their children about Him! Makes my heart smile.

As I was reminiscing on those things, Ava turns and wraps her arms around me to the point that I have to turn to face her so that we are in a full bear hug. She pulls her head back, looks up at me and says, "This is so comfy and safe." I tell her I am so glad through the lump forming in my throat. She lays her head back on my chest and we sway for a few more measures of the song before she pulls her head back again and says, "This is what heaven is like!"

The dam broke. I stood with tears rolling down my cheeks falling into her hair as we held each other swaying to the rest of the song. I wondered just what God was whispering to her - but it felt too sacred to ask. I stood praising Him for encouraging her with His presence and taking away all the fear she may have about her future, and at the same time I stood in awe that He once again was using Ava herself to bring me comfort and peace for the journey. She had nothing but pure joy, peace, excitement on her face as she thought about her home where she will be sooner than any of us had anticipated. There was no fear. No anxiety. No worry. That my friends is the work of an almighty, trustworthy, dependable, faithful, loving, amazing Heavenly Father!

I am quite certain Ava in that moment was living out what Paul describes to us in 2 Corinthians 5:

We are convinced that even if these bodies we live in are folded up at death like tents, we will still have a God-built home that no human hands have built, which will last forever in the heavenly realm.  We inwardly sigh^[a] as we live in these physical “tents,” longing to put on a new body for our life in heaven, … So, while living in this “tent,” we groan under its burden, not because we want to die but because we want these new bodies. We crave for all that is mortal to be swallowed up by eternal life. And this is no empty hope, for God himself is the one who has prepared us for this wonderful destiny. And to confirm this promise, he has given us the Holy Spirit, like an engagement ring, as a guarantee.

That’s why we’re always full of courage. Even while we’re at home in the body, we’re homesick to be with the Master— for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes.  We live with a joyful confidence, yet at the same time we take delight in the thought of leaving our bodies behind to be at home with the Lord.  So whether we live or die^] we make it our life’s passion to live our lives pleasing to him.

Holding Onto Hope

This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts!  So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!

The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances.  Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.

There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all!  This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled.  So why the dark days?

I don't have a definite answer.  I can't explain it totally.  All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me.  For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy.  But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath.  There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day.  There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed.  I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season.  This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.

So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ?  I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me!  The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand!  The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us.  And he will not let go of that easily!  I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!

This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances.  For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay.  It took us four months, but we finally had a plan.  It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan.  Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids.  I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!"  How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?!  And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again.  Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart.  And we were back to square one!  We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill.  I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!

I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards!  It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands.  I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!

The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest.  I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!

But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!"  "What do you really believe?!"  And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good!  I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need!  I do have  core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me!  But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!

I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE!  Others of us are facing these dark days also.  The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering.  It's a lie from the pit of hell!  You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality!  That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too.  But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true.  What He says about me and my life is my reality!  I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven!  I am not there yet!  But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on!  And I want to encourage you to hold on too!  Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!

You might ask why do we have to go through this?  Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known!  I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth!  We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us!  And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment.  He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!

So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on!  I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years!  Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!

10 years ago....

Ten years ago today, heaven gained a precious angel!  Our Addy went home to be with Jesus.  I remember the phone call like it was yesterday.  We had just gotten home from watching the Watoto Children's Choir perform in Midland.  Callie and Noah were so excited because it was the first time they really had a reference for who their new sisters were going to be! We were full of joy and hope as we talked about their new sisters, our daughters who would be coming home in a few months.

When we got home, there was a message from our adoption agency.  That in and of itself was a red flag.  They rarely returned phone calls or e-mails, so a call out of the clear blue telling us to call her was a sure thing something was wrong.  You know how your mind immediately starts playing through the scenarios of what it could be....she couldn't find our documents we mailed her?...there was a mistake in some of the paperwork?...there were going to be more fees?...I was still very naive about adoption, especially international adoption. I knew by the tone of her voice it was probably more serious than paperwork, but nothing prepared me for the news that was about to be delivered.  John made the phone call.  John always paces when he talks on the phone...but this time I followed him trying to make sense of the one side of the conversation I was hearing.  I wasn't getting much from "aha" and "yes" and "ok".  Then he goes out the backdoor and puts his foot on it so that I couldn't come out.  Then I knew something serious was happening.  I am sure it wasn't more than 5 or maybe 10 minutes...but it seemed like an eternity.  I watched him through the glass door.  Finally he took the phone from his ear and turned toward me.  When our eyes met, I knew whatever it was, it was serious.

He walked in the door and said, "Addy died."  I am not sure how long I stood there.  I heard the words, but I couldn't make sense of them in my mind.  I asked him to say it again.  The details were still sketchy, but from what we could piece together, she had contracted cholera from contaminated drinking water.  She had died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  I was numb.  I needed answers.  I went to my computer and looked up Cholera.  The words I read just brought anger! I had no idea what Cholera was...all she needed was an iv and an antibiotic.  That's it.  The lack of availability of those two simple medical provisions that I always took for granite was all that stood between life and death of my little girl.

I know it may seem impossible to be that emotionally invested or tied to a child you have only seen in a picture.  And maybe it should be.  But for anyone who has adopted, you know that the picture comes to life when God says, "She's yours, go get her!"  I have not lost a child to death who has lived in my home, but I can tell you my mamma heart broke that day.  First in grief and then in anger.  I was mad at God.  Why would you introduce us to them only months earlier, call me to be her mamma and then take her from me?  Why are children dying of the denial of things that are common place in my country?  How are children dying from contaminated water in this day and age? My heart broke for Eden who had just lost her twin...her only sibling from a mother who had died (or so we were told)!

It was her death and the sorting through it over the coming weeks that God would use to call John and I to found Addy's Hope Adoption Agency!  We had no idea what we were doing, and truly, that is a huge understatement!  We honestly just said, "Yes!"  God has done the rest.  We are truly an example of God using a "yes" because that was really all we had to offer in this area.  I didn't know the slightest thing about running any business, much less a ministry.  I sure didn't know the legal ins and outs of processing an adoption.  But we said, "Yes!"

We could have never known what that yes would mean, and how God would use the life and death of one precious little girl to impact lives in a ripple that still has not stopped.  There are 39 children, including our own son, who are no longer orphans in Liberian and Guatemala, but are in loving, Christian homes learning about the Savior who offers them eternal life!  There are two children who are no longer orphans in the foster system, and three more about to be placed in their forever home with two other families waiting for the 5 children combined that they hope to adopt...and 5 more families who are in different parts of the training process in order to bring even more of God's children home!

I still feel most days like I am ill equipped and unable to do all that this ministry demands.  And the fact is, outside of the anointing and direction of the Holy Spirit, I am! But today as I reflect on a life that seemed to be snuffed out way to quickly, there are some things that I know.  While the remembrance still brings tears, I have learned that God is faithful even when He seems to be absent.  I have learned that trusting that I hear Him and trusting that He is leading me will take me to places I could have never gone on my own.  I have learned that there are times when following God will bring heart ache beyond what I could ever imagine, but even in the heart ache, He is there.  He is faithful.  He is worthy.

So today as I remember a little girl I never held in my arms, but will forever hold in my heart and who lives on in the lives of every child touched through Addy's Hope Adoption Agency, I choose to not just morn her death, but celebrate her life! Addy Girl, you inspired me to follow God on a journey that has been far beyond all I could have hoped or imagined!  You stand as a reminder that we, the Body of Christ, have an obligation to those who are less fortunate.  You remind me that only by the grace of God was I born in a country where clean drinking water and medical care is available to all.  You remind me that the battle for children is worth it!  Baby girl, I can't wait to hold you in heaven...until then keep dancing with Jesus!

saying goodbye..

Today I said goodbye to my home.  It wasn't a house.  It was a home!  We have lived there 6 years as of last month.  Prior to that, John and I had lived in 8 houses in 9 years of marriage!  Don't ask...and it was not my idea! But yesterday I said goodbye to this place

When we moved in, we had three children: Callie 6, Noah 5 and Ava 1.  While living here, we would bring home five children and then two grand children!  The amount of life we did in this house could never have been dreamed when we walked through that front door 6 years ago!

I have spent many hours sitting at this spot, looking out these windows, studying God's Word and then praying it back to Him.  I have pleaded for children to come home, pleaded for children to stay home, pleaded for the safe arrival of my unborn child and pleaded for the return of my wayward child while looking out these windows.  I have watched the hand prints move up as little ones have become young people only to have the little hands replaced by those coming behind them. I paced back and forth in front of these windows asking God why children were stuck in Liberia and then listening for the directions of my part in the fight to free them.

This table in this room has been the place of too many celebrations to count~ birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, the list goes on!  It was at this table that Paizley left the foster system forever as we signed her adoptive placement papers on Christmas Eve.  This table was where I worked our budget over and over to find the formula that would provide within the blessings God had provided us.  It's where the Addy's Hope board met many times to plan and dream and pull off all that they have accomplished over the past 6 years! One of my most favorite memories in this room is right after Toben came home we had a joint birthday for him and Callie.  We were saying the prayer before we ate, and I looked down to see Toben's and Ava's tiny fingers intertwined during the prayer.  My dream had come true!  There before me were the white and black fingers of my children, together!

As I opened these blinds one last time, I was taken back to the early days when we moved in.  I was fighting the grips of postpartum depression.  I would hold my baby girl in her beautiful nursery with the words "A baby is God's promise that life will go on" written above the windows as I opened each blind.  As the light of the day flooded the room, I would say, "Hello world!  Today the light of Jesus will flood this darkness in me just like the light of these windows flood this room!"  Years later, these walls would welcome our dear Madison.  Though we thought it might just be temporary, now she is forever ours!  

And the kitchen!  It was proof of God's love! Now I leave it.  If I am honest, I will tell you I struggle with that.  I am not sure of that piece of the puzzle yet.  But I choose to believe He wouldn't remove the token of His love for me without providing something amazing in it's place!  But really, isn't it beautiful!  Truly a dream come true...a provision for then and for now as it will allow us to make more than before on the sale of our house.  A work of heart for John.  The hours, sweat, and even probably some tears that went into making it what it is now are forever written on my heart.

And the pool!  The hours of time spent bonding as a family in this place made a pool a must in our new house!  The laughs and incredible moments we have spent as a family here are too numerous to even count!  It's what we all love!  It's what a large family ranging in age from 18-0 can afford to do and all enjoy.  The times John and I sat on the porch and struggled through the reality of some of the seasons in this home.  The late night swims to just relax after kids went to bed.....yes, we've lived a lot of life in this place!

This story is still being written.  We don't have a buyer for our house.  We are moving forward in faith trusting God to provide!  We had to split our family to move.  As I am typing I am sitting in a hotel room while the other four are at school for their first day (I think dropping four kids off at a new school is worse than the first day of kinder!), John is home - see, I typed it without even thinking, he is home- watching the movers load all our possessions into a truck.  He has the four babies with him.  Yes, he is an amazing man! Four babies three and under!  We will not be reunited until Thursday when once again my entire family....minus one of course, another story still being written... will be under one roof, a new roof.  And we will begin a new chapter.  A new chapter that promises to restore what has been taken in some areas of these past years. A chapter that has all of us excited about what is next.  Hopefully not 5 more children, your're welcome John, but full of God's blessings to provide, train and grow the children we have.  We are so thankful!  Thankful for what we have to leave behind and thankful for the hope we have for what we are leaving to!

The Journey: Some processing and a FAITHFUL God

Yesterday was  quite the day.  Spent all morning at the police station.  When a situation is so bad that John considers getting politically involved to change the process, you KNOW it's serious!  I want to change all injustice, so not such a big deal when I want to do that!  Well, after dealing with the Midland Police Department for the last year, John wants to get politically active!  You really can't make this stuff up - the stories we have about what the police have done and said!  It's crazy!

I was able to see and talk to Paizley for the first time since she left.  I assured her nothing she has done or can do will ever change the fact that she is my daughter.  I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I still have hope!  I was able to speak the truth of God for what could be one last time - even reminding her of the Words God has given her through other people as late as last Wednesday warning her about such a time as this.  I was able to kiss Peighton.  I cried.  I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest or just explode all together as I watched my girls walk away.  I cried out to God many times...right there in the detective's conference room..and out loud!  I am not playing around with spiritual battles!  I will take all that is mine through the authority I have in Christ.  I will leave nothing on the battle field for lack of walking in authority.  We had the favor of God in many instances.  We walked into a very hostile environment and walked out with the detective sympathizing with us and even telling Paizley no one will ever care for her or love her like we do - adopted or not.

But probably the brightest moment of today actually happened Sunday, I just didn't understand the significance until yesterday.  Sunday during church, one of our pastors stood up and talked about gifts and how we are called by God to use our gifts for His kingdom and purposes.  I kind of dismissed it because I totally get that and believe I am in a place where I am truly doing that in work and am getting involved in church.  But at some point during the talk, as clear as if God was sitting beside me, the Holy Spirit spoke.  "The enemy will use what is happening to steal what you are doing with adoption and children in state custody.  He will not prevail because I have uniquely designed and gifted you for exactly this work.  Your experiences and knowledge in the things of this work are invaluable to what I want to do."  When I heard it, I kind of was startled.  When we have struggled with Paizley at times in the past, I have cried out to God asking how I could ever ask other families to adopt children from the foster system knowing what might be about to happen to their family.  I have questioned if I really believe in what I am doing with the state adoption program.  But the training I took in San Antonio - sitting with other professionals in this area - really solidified for me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.  Because of my experience both professionally and personally, I can train and equip families for this process like few others who are doing it professionally can.  And also, I have an amazing daughter who I still believe will go mighty things for the kingdom some day because of waiting child adoption from the state!  So the thought that I would let even Paizley running away keep me from pursuing this work came as a shock to me.  But I took what God said and started analyzing how I felt asking God to reveal any hidden regrets or fears or doubt I had that would cause him to encourage me in that way.

Sitting in the detective's office yesterday, we learned some things about the process because of Paizley's misrepresentation of us and the events that surrounded her leaving.  The initial news of some of what will take place as the process plays out were potentially devastating and could have had me worrying about even being able to keep the agency open at all!  The detective stepped out for a minute and John and I talked some about what had been said so far.  I broke down.  Fear started to creep up.  Then God brought the words He had whispered into my ear on Sunday back to my remembrance, and I literally laughed out loud!  My God, my Faithful Father had already spoken peace and encouragement and victory over a situation that He knew was about to happen and had the potential to shake me up.  But because my hope is in Him, because He is my firm foundation, because He is my Deliverer and my Defender, I was not moved!  Fear left.  Worry stopped. Doubt fled.  Peace flooded me.

See that is the faithful God I serve!  My amazing spiritual mentor, Becky, often reminds us of a quote that one of her past pastors said, "You prepare for battle in times of peace so that in times of war you are prepared."  God has been teaching me, equipping me, loving me, drawing me closer to Him over the past two 15 years, but in God boot camp for the past two.  I am in His Word and alone with Him almost daily without fail.  I have to be.  He is literally my very breath most days.

But let me tell you, being equipped, gaining knowledge, just storing up arsenal of a spiritual fight is not my motivation for getting in the Word and spending time with God.  He is my motivation!  The more I learn about Him, the more time I spend with Him.  It's just like friends we have in the natural.  When you meet someone, you might not make time to go have coffee or lunch.  But as you get to know someone and learn that when you are around them you feel alive and free for some reason.  When you leave them you feel refreshed, encouraged.  We all have friends like that, and when they call and say, "we need to do coffee", we find a time!  It's the same with God.  The more I get to know Him, the more I make time for Him because I want to know Him more!  I want to know more about who He is, about how He operates, about what He wants for me.

We live in a society and a culture that can be scary.  I know more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of our society and the true condition of what my children are growing up in over the past year.  I realize now that I lived in a glass bubble concerning the world that we truly live in.  Part of that is where we live.  And part of it was just the mere fact that I don't have opportunity to get outside our little world much into the culture that exists outside my home and our church.  But I have been thrown full force into it this year and much of it has even touched my very home through some decisions of my daughter.  It's has never been normal at our house for police to show up on your door step at 10 at night!  At times I have despaired over the condition of the world and wondered what my children will face.  But the closer I have drawn to God, the more excited I get.  You see the darker the world is, the brighter the light of Christ will shine!  If you have a flashlight on in the middle of the day, it doesn't really do much.  But you turn that same flashlight on at midnight, and you completely change your environment!  It's midnight people!  Our lights should be changing our environment!!!!  What a blessed time we live in!  What a time for God's people to offer hope to a country that needs it!  Yes, my kids will have battles I never did, but God is also equipping them for the time they live in!  My daughter sees angels - has seen them many times.  She has spiritual awareness that I long for and has had since she could speak...and probably before, she just couldn't tell us!  I can't wait to see the impact for the kingdom my children have on this dark world!  I don't fear for them, I am excited for them!  Side note - because of the world I know they will grow up in, I know I have a bigger responsibility than probably any generation before me to equip them with the Word and knowledge and wisdom of God's ways in order for them to fulfill their kingdom purpose - and if you are a Christian, you do to!

God took me to Haggai 2 about four months ago (you don't get to Haggai on accident!).  It says this, "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.I will shake all nations."  As Becky says, we are living in a time when everything that can be shaken is being and will be shaken so that those things which can't be shaken - the things of God - will remain!  Praise God!  

I have never been more excited to know my God and be a Christ follower!  I know Him in a way I never have and I am madly in love!  Yes, I am in what has probably been the most devastating circumstances of my life - I am walking out something that I could never fathom - and frankly even in the middle of it can't quite get my head around it if I try to really think about it.  But here is the absolute truth, because I serve an all-powerful, totally sovereign, absolutely loving and so faithful Father, I will not be moved.  I will rise above my circumstances.  I will sore on wings like an eagle.  I will walk and not grow weary.  I will remain hidden in His secret place, protected, loved, peaceful.  I will remain stable and fixed with my eyes set on Him watching, waiting, listening for His voice telling me, "This is the way, walk in it!"

Oh!!! If I could just come through this screen and sit with any of you reading this and beg you to know Him!    Don't just know of Him, KNOW Him!  Don't just go to church on Sunday and call yourself a Christian.  Yes, if you have given your life to Christ, you are a Christian....but that is not the end...it is just the beginning!

He has great and wonderful things for you.....they are hidden in Him!  And as you peel back layer, by layer of His wonderful character, you will stand amazed!  And when life wants to beat you up, you will stand strong saying, bringing it on!  I know the truth!  We win in the end!  Thank you, God!

Not by sight but by faith.....

My funk returns....seems like I've been in a lot of funks lately, doesn't it? I know it is because it is my flesh warring with my Spirit. It frustrates me! I hate that I don't walk in the Spirit every day! Its so much easier when I do, but for some reason I get in these funks where I just can't seem to shake the flesh, I can't get my Spiritual eyes working and all I see is the "reality" of what I see, which is not the reality at all when you are a Believer and have the power that raised Christ from the dead with in you. Can't wait for the day that my flesh is gone and I forever get to live in my Spirit! Come on Jesus! I am ready!

But until that day, He obviously has more for me to do or I wouldn't be here. I have really been fighting the funk trying to come out of it. I fail more days than I succeed, but today is a day I am feeling victorious over the funk! :)

A couple of weeks ago, the funk, the cloud was thick! I begged God to speak at church, and He did. He started in the worship service. Because my times when I hear from him are so precious to me these days, I write it ALL down! We were singing a song with the lyrics, "Not by sight, but by faith, I believe you never fail. I will follow You in all Your ways...and stand and proclaim to the world Your saving Name."

As I sang that, God just impressed some truths on me.

1. It is only by faith and not sight that I can believe God never fails! Sight might say God failed because I didn't receive the outcome I thought would come or I desired. This has happened MANY times to me when walking by faith because in the end I had my focus on the wrong things. In hindsight, I can see where God totally came through despite an outcome because He changed me or grew me, but when I get down (or in a funk like now) I look at those things from the past and start to doubt that God will do what He has said He will do right now. But as I sang these words on this Sunday morning, God reminded me that I must look even at the past with eyes of faith and not sight! I HAVE to trust and follow. PERIOD.
2. I can ONLY stand and proclaim God's saving name to the world when I follow HIM in HIS ways! I can't follow Him in MY ways! His ways don't look like mine. His ways don't always make sense. His ways are hard sometimes. His ways are sure not the world's ways. Only in being different and standing up for Him do I glorify Him and who His power...and thus His saving name to a watching world.

Of course, as soon as I got home from church and life hit me in the face with six kids and a pregnancy, these things kind of faded. I hate that about myself right now! I listen to The Alter and the Door by Casting Crowns a lot right now because I think that is my life! I lose it somewhere between the alter and the door!

Today, though, I rest in the peaceful place of Jesus having met me right here, even in my funk, again! He has given me hope, given me a bit of joy and peace that I haven't felt for awhile. He has made the mountains before me look a little smaller. I will not worry about tomorrow for it will have enough trouble of its own!

Walking by faith...

Jehovah: I AM

I love it when truths wash over me and renew me from the inside out. God has been doing that a lot lately in me as I try to make peace with the past, live in the present and look to the future. This morning, that peace came through Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland". Praise God!

As I read that this morning in my study of names of God in Embraced by the Father by Susanne Scheppmann, I had to stop at "forget the former things." In my human perception of things and my tunnel vision view, I am having a very hard time letting go of my faith walks that didn't turn out like I had planned. But as I read these words this morning, it was God whispering them in my ear..."Forget those things, let go. Do not dwell on those things! I have them in control. Look at the new thing I am doing! It is springing up! Don't miss it for looking backwards trying to figure out what you will never understand this side of heaven!" All these thoughts have passed through my mind before, but this morning, it was as if the Holy Spirit was spraying my mind and spirit with a power washer to release my thoughts and emotions to all that tied me to the orphanage I had to let go and the baby girls I never got to hold and other personal dreams that I know are God-given, God-willed desires that have yet to come to pass and greatly effect the way I view God.

Jehova, Yaweh: I AM! Who is He? How easily I have let the Christians around me and the circumstances I find myself in redefine God for me. He never changes...He is the same yesterday, today and forever! But I can get so wrapped up in the things people say about me, the way people criticize me, the circumstances that effect my day to day life that I forget who He really is!

He reminded me today of who He is! He is I AM! He is the one who sees my past and asks me to forget it! He asks me to look at what He is doing now. He needs me to move past that past so that He can do a new thing! I'm ready for a new thing! A new thing in my calling for children and orphans, a new thing in my family, a new thing in my personal struggles with sin. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about today and looking forward to tomorrow! Stay tuned...God is doing a new thing! It is springing up and I will perceive it, in Jesus Name!

Happy Birthday, Ava Claire!

Four years ago today joy was born into my heart again!
Many of our friends now did not know us four years ago. They didn't know us when we walked the journey preceding Ava. So I figured on her birthday, I would reflect a little on just what God did through Miss Ava!
I went to Sierra Leone, West African in June/July 2005. I went to complete the adoption of our surviving twin, Eden. I was there three weeks. I fell madly in love with a little girl that I had to leave behind...having her ripped off my neck the last time I saw her thinking I would return in three days to get her. That was almost five years ago, and is still the last image I have of her.
What that trip did to me was life changing. Not for the better at the beginning. But after wrestling with God that has left me with a limp, it changed me for the better. Mainly, it taught me to trust in God, not an outcome! My faith is not in outcomes, but in the God that provides the outcomes!
In the months following my return without Eden, hope was hard to find and joy was even more elusive! I read the scriptures that said God offered the abundant life, but I had just walked the most faith filled journey of my life only to have it end in what I viewed as total disaster. I truly was at the biggest crisis of faith I have had thus far. For the first time in my life I wasn't sure God even existed much less cared about little 'ol me!
Just two months after returning from Sierra Leone, John and I were arguing about who would go back to get Eden. I was determined that I would since she had already bonded with me. I don't even remember the reasons why he thought he should go. All I know is that we were still making plans for one of us to fly back and pick her up as soon as the Embassy had finished their field investigation and gave us the green light! Then I started feeling extremely exhausted! We were using preventative measures, so I couldn't really wrap my head around being pregnant...besides; we still had a four year old who was coming home any day now! I couldn't handle that many preschoolers and be pregnant!

I kept putting the signs off as stress. But one night, I decided to find out for sure. Hadn't even told John that I suspected anything. When that little line showed up, I was stunned! So I went into John about 2 or 3 in the morning and flipped on the light (I always seem to tell him about my pregnancies in the middle of the night!) and said, "Well, it looks like you win, you will be going to get Eden!", then showed him the test. He sat straight up in bed and said, "What?!" So I said it all again as it soaked in for him.
We were excited, but still shocked and not sure how we would do it financially, emotionally or physically! But as always, we saw today, God saw tomorrow.
Just two months after we found out that Ava was on her way, we would receive the devastating news that Eden would probably not come home, and in January 2006 we would receive the definite "no" to our visa request. Without living in Sierra Leone for 6 months, my baby girl who bonded from the start and called me momma and held on to me with all the might her weak little arms could muster that last time I would see her would not be coming home. I was quite sure that life would end. I wasn't sure how to go on....then I would remember the life growing inside of me. The life that we hadn't planned, but that God had placed there as a magnificent surprise. In those moments, all I could think was that I had a life inside of me to protect. Getting too upset or distraught would put that life at risk, at least in my mind. So I knew I had to put one foot in front of the other.
As the months went on and my belly grew, my emotions were a mess. We had waited over a year and a half for Eden, and now she would not be coming home. A friend who was adopting at the same time from Sierra Leone and I would say it was like being eternally pregnant! We kept expecting, but no birth! There was an irrational part of me that wondered if at the end of nine months I would really have a baby or if the doctors would say, “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t really mean May! Please fill out this other stack of papers and we will set a new date!” I still had the experience of my first pregnancy when we lost our baby that haunted me also. Being pregnant didn’t mean a baby at the end anymore than adoption did! I was scared to hope, scared to feel, but most of all scared to trust!
That morning as they prepped me for the c-section, I was so ready to meet my baby girl! But as they took me into the delivery room, anxious doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. The longer it took that anesthesiologist to get my spinal finished, the less I could breath. They hadn’t let John come in with me while they were prepping me. I think I asked the nurse 10 times if they had gone to get him yet. When he finally was allowed in, I was a mess! My usually strong woman demeanor left and all I could say to him was don’t leave me! Stay right here (which meant that he couldn’t look over the sheet and give me a play by play of this birth as he had Callie…..but he had already been instructed not to do that even if I was not a mess….no woman needs to hear her husband say, “they just put your stomach on your chest!”) .
It seemed like it took forever for them to get her out. When they finally did, I heard a cry that was full of gurgle and not clear at all…but in that moment, I was filled with joy and peace! All fear was gone. It was as if her birth brought back the joy that had been taken from me with the past two years of losing Eden and Addy! Dr. Nabulsi quickly showed me a very blue little face and rushed off to the nursery. I didn’t really get to see her, but knew from the color, she needed to get to the nursery so just kissed what skin I could see and told them to go.
As I have shared this story over the years, I am always quick to point out that no child can replace another. Ava in no way “replaced” Eden or Addy. I still ache from time to time to hold Eden in my arms and wonder if God’s plan will someday include her living in our home as a physical part of our family (for she will always be my daughter whether I ever lay eyes on her again or not!) And Addy’s life was snuffed out way too quickly…yet I see the impact her life had on so many through Addy’s Hope. So while Ava could not replace them, she represented something priceless from a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I could ever love any of these girls or ever even comprehend! Ava was a promise that life would go on! I would not die from a broken heart. Her first cry brought a promise that joy would return and life would be full and abundant again! Even through the next 36 hours that required her to be under oxygen, I had no doubts. The moment she breathed her first breath of air on this earth, God touched me in a way He hadn’t before. I can’t say that my trust had been fully restored, as I still struggle through that with Him, but I knew He loved me and had not forgotten me as I had so often wondered over the past years!
Every time I look at Ava’s sweet smile, I am reminded that God knew when He ordered her to be knit in my womb that I would need her as a reminder over the next year that God loves me and intends for life to continue after heartache and devastation! She is a reminder that God holds the future in His hands and has perfect plans that I can never imagine!
So today, my precious Ava, I celebrate your life! A life that has taught me to love deeper and trust fuller! Happy Birthday, Baby A! Mommy loves you!

How do you take Hope?

How do you take Hope to a third world country?

As I prepare to leave again for my second home (aka: Liberia), I have been asking God what I need to focus on. There are so many things...way more than I will be able to accomplish while I am there...I need about a year, I will have about a week! But one of the things that haunts me are the pictures I brought back of the village across the street from the land that we were looking to purchase.

Do those dark brown eyes know Jesus? Do they know the One who is The Way? Evangelism has never been my "gifting", and ashamedly, I have used that as an excuse to not share in a bold way my Savior with other people.

I really have no fear of walking up and telling them about Jesus. My fear is doing a poor job of representing Him! I don't want to be the white woman who comes and brings gifts and talks of a man!

As I think through how to be Jesus to them, I ask do I bring rice? Do I bring Bibles? They can't read, so that would be silly! Is there something I can take with the Bible on it in audio that someone with no electricity, no batteries, etc can play? I am sure there is, but I don't know what it is and don't have time to research it! People do this all the time, why am I making it so hard?

Yet, as I look at the people around me, I see what a poor job I do of representing Hope to the people in my daily life! I have family members who don't know Him well or don't trust Him with their lives even if they say they know Him. If I can't share the Hope and Life with them that I have found when they see me daily and see what He is doing in my life, how in the world will I take Hope to a people I see for a mere hour or two once a quarter?

When your hungry, is rice Hope? When you are thirsty, is water Hope? If I take it will they see it from me or from Him? Should I send it with my staff who are Liberia?

God, see my heart! Guide me! Put me right in the middle of what you are doing so that You can shine through! Get me totally out of the way! John says I should have been black, and I kind of wish I was for this mission! My white skin, kind of makes me stick out and associate me with wealth and prosperity when what I really want to be associated with is Jesus! Have your way with me! Show me what Hope is to these hopeless people!