Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....

You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...

That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.

Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?!  Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.

So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome,  I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!

As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!

So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!

Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push"  her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!

For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!

Walking Through the Crashing Waves

We just returned home from a week at the beach! It was a much needed vacation....although I have discovered with 10 children, four of whom are 5 and under, even a vacation is not really a vacation for the parents.  But all the same, it was a wonderful break from the every day demands of work and home! It was good to focus on family, and to have time to just sit and listen to the waves....and to the still, small voice of my Savior!

School doesn't start for another three weeks, but our "fall" is gearing up already this week! Callie starts band camp for color guard, Toben and Ava have some prep classes for the coming year that finish this week, Toben starts football next weekend, Noah starts in two weeks, and school supply shopping has already begun!  And the agency is busier than it has ever been with tons of work demands waiting for me first thing Monday morning.

It's all very exciting stuff!  But honestly, it is all very overwhelming for a girl who just wanted to be a stay at home mom of not quite this many children! Don't get me wrong, I love every single one of my children and am so grateful for them, as I am my job! But all together, all of it is....well....a lot!  Add to that the things God has placed on my heart for the agency, and the waves just seem to be crashing over my head!  So how exactly am I going to do it all?  I know God has called me to be a mom to all of these 9 children, and I know He has called me to this work in adoption.  But I don't always know how I am going to walk through the waters that both of those callings place me in at times.  When the demands hit, it feels like the waves are knocking me down and pushing me under....but God knew I would feel this way as I geared up for the coming days, weeks and months!  And as He is so faithful to do, He spoke to me about it before I even knew I needed to hear it!

One of Ava's struggles with her disorder (no, we still do not know what it is! But should have more testing soon that will hopefully give more definitive answers!) is that she has very weak muscle tone.  She also has very little core strength making balance a real challenge.  So when she would want to go out in the waves with us to ride her boogie-board, it was a real struggle to get out far enough for the waves to be big enough to carry her.  On one of the trips out with her, I told her to get behind me and hold onto my waist.  My body would break the wave for her taking less of a toll on her body, and her hanging onto me would help her balance in the unsteady waters.  As I crashed into the waves with her behind me, I heard God say, "this is how you will do it too! I know I am asking you to go into deep waters that feel like they are knocking you over as the waves crash around you, but if you will follow me - don't get ahead or too far behind, but follow me just as I instruct- I will break the waves for you and make a path for you to walk steadily just as you are for Ava."

Can I tell you how comforting that is?! As I face Monday morning, there are so many heavy burdens that threaten to overcome me from personal, to family, to ministry! But as I think back on that moment, I feel the same excitement Ava did about riding the boogie-board even though it meant getting through the crashing waves first! Those words have given me a renewed desire to press in even closer to my Abba Father and walk where His feet walk as I try to walk in obedience to what He has called me to!

So whatever God is calling you to do, can I encourage you?  Just step out and do it!  He will either calm the waters all together or break the waves for you as you walk with Him! I love my Jesus! Life with Him is always an adventure!


Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. ~ Psalm 138:7

The Move: Some Random Thoughts

I have so many blog posts that I need to write! It's been a rough three weeks! But God has shown Himself.  So maybe I will have time to really write out my thoughts soon, but for now, here are some rather random thoughts, interesting items from our time here so far:

1. When you start a faith journey, it is very exciting. Walking out the faith journey in the great big middle of the circumstances is hard.
2. When the circumstances of your faith walk start to overwhelm you, you want to turn back (I've given myself the nick name Izzy because I sound much like the Israelites lately wanting to go back to Egypt!), but thankful there is a point of no return where you have to either keep walking toward the goal or check out of life altogether.
3. Moving with 8 children is INSANE!
4. God provides in miraculous ways when you trust him....like the day we had $75 in the checking account, payday was still two weeks away and a bill for $150 was set to pay the next day with no resources to put any more in the checking account.  John goes to the mailbox and there is over $600 total from two checks, one we had been expecting, and one over $400 that we had not been...a refund on over payment of a medical bill.
5. Trusting God is HARD when you are paying a mortgage and a lease!
6. When God calls you as parents to something/somewhere, He calls your kids too which means he prepares them! We have not had ONE SINGLE complaint from any of the kids despite arriving at 1:00 am on the first day of school in a totally new place, adjusting to new schools and new church! My kids and my God ROCK!
7. Trying to unpack boxes with 4 children ages 3 and under is INSANE!
8. The Body of Christ is amazing.....the first week we were here, three families from a church whose pastor I had been e-mailing came and fed us pizza, helped us unpack, worshiped with us, prayed over our home and breathed life into what was becoming a very depressing situation for me!
9. God knows when you are truly crying out in desperation, and He sends help!
10. Four kids ages 3 and under means you are pretty well stuck at home until reinforcements arrive.
11. It takes exactly 8.3 minutes to load 4 napping toddlers/infant in the car including three trips upstairs!
12. The enemy doesn't like it when you are determined to walk into your promised land.
13. I have some more maturing to do....I am still not very good at persevering through tough circumstances.
14. Part time daycare may be available but it is OUTRAGEOUS!
15. If you leave the house right as school lets out, you will cut your wait in the pick up line by at least 15 minutes and as long as you leave with in 5 minutes after school lets out, you will not be the last car in the pick up line. 
16. I can get anywhere eventually as long as I can find a place for a U-turn - and that's not always easy in Big Momma!
17. The "Around Me" app is sometimes as confused as I am (I've ended up in a field and a neighborhood when going to a business according to the app).

There's so much more....but that gives you a small look into our first three weeks here! Hopefully I can sit and really write soon!

The Move: Living from Heaven to Earth

We are moving! John has accepted a position with the education service center in Fort Worth, and hopefully we will be in our new home by the end of this month.  For that to happen we need a seller to accept our offer on a house in Fort Worth, and we need our house to sell quickly.  We are calling those things down out of heaven just like we have every step of this process!  And that is what is so amazing about this move...the process!  It has opened a totally new level of spiritual maturity for John and I, and we will never do life the same way again! This is what I mean....

In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John.  John was not unhappy at his current job.  I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine.  The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job.  I shared it with John, and that's where it sat.  There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke.  Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him.  Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career.  About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs.  He even looked into avenues outside of education.  As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past.  We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places.  As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings.  John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction.  In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved.  We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing.  But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.

When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland.  We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen!  We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us.  I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting.  We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program!  But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement.  I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?"  What?!  Why would we move, God?  You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that?  The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?"  At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to."  Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!

Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak.  God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by.  I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life.  John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay.  We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke.  We started this process with NO desire to move!  My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay!  It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving.  There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family.  I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok.  That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted.  And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.

This went on for a couple of weeks.  No clear answers, really.  Just crying out to God.  About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move.  It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking.  I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed.  I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed.  Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it.  It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us.  I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke.  It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken.  That desire you have to move, I gave that to you.  I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path.  But you refuse to trust.  You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire.  You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice."  And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie!  I knew we were moving.  What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that!  We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."

With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes.  Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?"  I replied, "Because we are moving."  She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"

I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday.  What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen.  Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible."  Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen.  That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!

We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word.  John began applying for jobs.  He has already spoken to someone about a job locally.  Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed.  It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said!  And our faith was increased!

We didn't know where we would move.  I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin.  John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was  voice of reason in education in Austin!  I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that.  But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex.  John applied with a school district outside of Dallas.  He got the interview.  We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed.  In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs!  For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage.  Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job.  He didn't get it.  The enemy came in like a storm.  The doubts started.  I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving."  Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well.  I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said!  And trusting I had heard Him.  The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home.  The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way.  What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God.  I had done it again with this job.  I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.

That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth.  I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt.  Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?"  I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him.  I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened.  I started reading right where I opened the book.  The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith."  I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see!  Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural.  The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God.  It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on.  I believe in the unseen.  I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!

Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered.  There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving.  But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly.  I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John.  I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope.  I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry!  Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances.  It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming!  During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture!  When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!

So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging!  However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move.  I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!

John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market.  In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job.  It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!"  God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.

As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions.  We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places.  It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex.  I knew it wasn't the job.

There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days.  When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way!  You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!"  So John didn't pursue it any further.  He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements.  A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up.  I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move.  He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job.  I had to repent before God and John!  John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future.  So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!

We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said.  It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids.  It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline!  It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball!  It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!

We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!

We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process.  We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives!  We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...

I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God.  Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!

Was it God?

I have heard many comments lately that have raised the proverbial hair on the back of my neck.  It it's one thing I have wrestled with through our failed adoptions and some personal struggles it is free will versus God's will and handling disappointments.  There was a time that spans many years where I could not tell you a personal story of victory and happy ending after a leap of faith.  We had taken some pretty big ones, and they all had endings far from what I had hoped.  Disappointment. There are posts on this blog during those times.  Even if I don't come right out and say it...you can read the disappointment between the lines.

My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it!  I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was.  I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned.  I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that.  My experience was not lining up with truth.

When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"!  Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong.  And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell!  It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe.  Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.  

When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:

1. I didn't hear God right in the first place
2. God is not trust worthy
3. God doesn't really exist

Can I be honest?  I have entertained all three of those conclusions at times of disappointment in my life.  After I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, number 3 was my conclusion.  I was ready to walk away from God.  I was so close to the line of denouncing God and going about my days living life for what felt good and right to the senses, to doing what made me "happy"!  But that is why God says we are to live by faith and not by sight! I praise God that in that exact time, I was reading Captivating.  I had amazing people in my life to speak truth during that time right after I returned without my daughter.  But I wouldn't talk to them.  I knew what they would say, and frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But for some reason, I kept reading this book which is evidence that God will use whatever He can to reach us in our time of despair and need!  In Captivating, the author speaks of a woman who is so at ease with herself because she finds her strength and identity in the Lord that women are at ease with themselves in her presence.  I don't remember the exact wording, but it spoke of being able to "breath" in this woman's presence because there was room to breath based on her ability to rest in God.  I didn't know about all the God parts of that woman, but I knew deep down, throwing out all morals, all laws, all boundaries, the thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be that woman!  As soon as that thought came over me, a still small voice said, "And how do you think you will be that woman without me?" And that began my journey back to God.

The next steps of faith were harder to take as I didn't want to experience disappointment.  I struggled for almost a decade with how to handle when walking by faith didn't produce anything I thought I would see! But God was so faithful to continue to write and perfect my faith through calling me to acts that would test my ability to trust Him.  To be able to handle disappointment and not turn all the emotions of that disappointment into disappointment in God.

I was watching the Bethel sermon from last Sunday, March 17, 2013.  If you are struggling through any disappointments, I would highly encourage you to watch it!  And Bill Johnson said, "God's ability to redeem hellish situations is so profound, the Church has jumped to conclusions assuming God designed the hellish situation....We must distinguish between what God approved, what he ordained, and what the enemy meant for evil."  That is profound people!  Until we can do that, we will never fully trust God.  Until we can do this, the enemy will always taunt us with questions of whether God is truly good or whether we can truly trust God.  Until you have walked through horrible situations and can say without a doubt God is good and can be trusted, the enemy will call those truths into question in your mind.  Bill goes on to say that death, loss and destruction are the enemy's fingerprints.  God can absolutely, and he does in amazing ways, use those circumstances to draw people to Him or to transform His people, but they are not from him!

One of the statements that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck this past week was about adoptions situations and when they don't go as we plan.  The statement pretty well said just accept it.  It was God's will.  I just wanted to scream, "NO! IT'S NOT!"  God is a God of restoration, healing, life!  Anything that is death, destruction and loss is from the enemy!  Does God allow those things, yes!  Will I ever understand why He allows them?  Not fully...His ways are not mine...or yours!  But when we fall into the thinking that those events, those circumstances that bring death, loss and destruction were His ordained will, we have created god who is not to be trusted.  We create a god who is not love.  We create a god who is not faithful.  And that is not the God I serve!

It has taken me nearly 10 years to be able to write this post with confidence and absolute belief!  Meaning, I know in my core, I have experienced in my inner being that even when things don't go as planned, God is good!  God is trustworthy!  God is faithful!  I could quote the scripture before, but it was just empty words....now those words are supported with belief and "knowing"!  It took "losing" another daughter to get to that point.  

To be continued.....

Saying Yes

I really should be getting on the road as I return home to my family today, but I know the opportunity to share my experience this weekend and most recently this morning will escape me once the business of life takes over.  And I hope this story will encourage any of you who may be standing on the edge of a call and are trying to decide if you want to take that step of faith or turn around and run a different direction.

I came to our friends house this weekend to write the book on spiritual warfare in adoption.  When I left home Friday, there was really no question of "if" I would write it.  God has told me to, and my very act of making the time and arrangements and getting away this weekend was out of obedience to what God told me to do.  Period.

But once I started writing, the reason for the location so far from home and the time away became clear!  I spent most of yesterday in tears.  As I would write, the voices would taunt me with how controversial this topic will be.  I thought back to my years working in Liberia where I stood for ethics and would not pay bribes or work in shady ways to bring children home.  My reputation, my character, my ministry, my family, my sanity...it was all drug through the mud in that season of life.  Not exactly a place I want to return.  This past season has been a difficult one, but at lease it was a private season of refining.  We got to pick and choose who was in the know about our battles.  Liberia was not just out there, but even in the media at one point! The flashbacks made me reconsider writing the book. I found myself deleting entire lines and trying to rewrite them in a more politically correct or potentially less controversial way.

For a few hours, I really couldn't figure out what was happening.  At first I thought it was just the emotion of reliving part of the past few years, but I really didn't think that was eliciting the emotions I was feeling.  I wondered if this is what they call "writer's block".  But I finally realized what this weekend was about!  Yes, I was able to make progress on the book. I have written parts of five different chapters and over 6,000 words this weekend.  But this was not just about writing, it was about solidifying my acceptance of the task God has asked me to complete. It was about God seeking an answer from me about the task and me accepting the task knowing exactly what it could mean.  It was me saying YES in spite of all that could be on the path.  Ironically, it was me doing with this book what I am writing about families doing in their adoption journey!  Gotta love God's sense of humor!

At one point, Saturday afternoon, I started to delete all I had written and go home.  I was done and didn't want to continue writing or even consider making a finished product that would be published for others to read and scrutinize.  But on the way up here, I listened to a podcast about Christian writing.  One of the things that the podcast talked about was the reason for you to write.  One of those reasons was to change the world.  Now, I don't think my book will change the world, but my motivation for writing is that adoptive families need this information and it is not out there right now.

I have amazing prayer warriors as friends.  Twice on Saturday when I didn't think I could continue, I received text messages at just the right time encouraging me in what I am doing.  Those friends were the voices that silenced the other voices telling me to quit.

 This morning I went for a walk.  This is the path I was walking on

 I love going for walks as I walk and talk to God.  Not usually out loud but sometimes I even talk out loud!  I have always been able to hear God better and just feel closer to Him out in nature.  But this path wasn't all that inspiring, honestly.  Then I turned a corner and looked up....

This is what I saw!  It was as if God said, "walk into my sanctuary and sit a minute!" I walked under that tree into the grassy area just past the fence and a cool breeze blew as if the breath of God had just blown over me. I probably should have removed my sneakers.  That was how holy this ground felt as I walked into it!  I looked up and there was this rock - and God said, "Sit awhile."

I looked up and this was my view - the cool breeze still hanging around me.

 I don't know that I have ever felt the tangible presence of God in my life as I did in that moment.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Talking didn't seem appropriate.  I was afraid if I just sat, my mind would wonder and I would lose the moment.  So I did what I thought I should do in the presence of God, I wanted to sing a praise song.  I started to sing and the song that came to mind was from way back ...O God, You are my God, and I will ever praise you!  O God You are my God and I will ever praise You!  I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways..O God you are my God and I will ever praise You!  As I sang, God brought to mind the thoughts I had faced this weekend about the book.  He told me to look at the covering of the trees in this place, to feel the cool air. This path is learning to walk in His ways.  I know God gave me this moment to cling to if battles come over the content of the book.  He reminded me that He promises to be my protector, that He hides me in the shadow of His wings just like I was hidden in this place in the middle of dead grass and cleared land for new construction.  He reminded me that just last night John called me to tell me about a letter we received in the mail that ended a month long battle over a totally different issue but that had the potential to completely alter my life.  But God has promised me on that journey to be my protector and defender as well.  The timing of that letter is not lost on me.  He reminded me that when I get still, He will meet me.  He reminded me that obedience rarely happens without sacrifice on some level.  He asked me for a commitment to see this project through but reminded me with my commitment to see it through came His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

We serve a faithful, personal God!  I don't know what if any trials will come because of this book.  I know I now have specific prays for my prayer warriors about not just my writing of this book but about the reception of and the impact on the audience I am writing for.  But God so tenderly reminded me this morning that the outcome of the book is His to determine.  It's His job!  My job is simply to write the book in obedience.  My job is to say Yes to His call!

I am one of "THEM"!

I haven't been much of a blogger lately.  It has not been for lack of material to blog, just lack of time to blog it.  But I am hoping to change that.

The last two years have been quite the season.  I don't think I would go so far as to call it a dark night of the soul, but to say it has been a season of pruning and stretching doesn't quite pay homage to the depth of work God has done in my life.  I hope you will see in the posts to come that God has radically change my life through the course of these past 18-24 months.

This quote by Bill Johnson in When Heaven Invades Earth probably best sums up my journey: "It's important to understand God's promise and purpose for the Church so that we might become dissatisfied - so that we will become desperate. Intercession from insatiable hunger moves the heart of God as nothing else can." Over the past 15 years, God has taken me to places that I was quite sure I was at the end of myself.  However, if those places were the end of myself, then this past season left myself in the dust and took me to the end of a place I didn't even know existed!  But in that place I became desperate for God in a way I have never been.  And God was true to His word: when we seek Him we will find Him!

So often in this past season I found myself desperately clinging to the promises of the Bible while trying to line up my circumstances and reality with what the scriptures said.  To put it bluntly, they didn't mesh!  So my search began for why they didn't!  What I found has changed me forever.  What I found showed me that while I survived this season, I lived most days in defeat with bloody wounds where I had allowed the enemy access he should have never had.  I did the best I could with that I knew then.  I have some regrets, but I have no condemnation or "I shoulda's" because I truly lived this season on my face begging for wisdom, direction, mercy and grace.  There are a few things I can look back on and wish I had handled a different way, but I also remember the despair and weariness of those times....words that demonstrate even more the defeat I lived in many days.

I am walking out of this season with revelations about God - not head knowledge about who God is said to be, but heart experience about who He is to me!  There is a difference!  We have a new kitchen which is a blog post for another time...part of that remodel is an amazing pantry, and on that pantry floor is Psalm:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I don't know that I purposely set out to "taste" in this season, but walking out of it, I can testify that I have tasted, and indeed the Lord is good!   Yes, my family was turned upside down and inside out.  Yes, my ministry and calling on my life has been tested and attacked.  Yes, I have a daughter who is not a part of my life right now.  Yes, I have a grand baby who has no idea who MiMi is.  Yes, I have another grand baby coming into this world in June who I may or may not get to hold in my arms.  Yes, my identity has been turned upside down as defined by stay-at-home mom.  But there is not a path that I have walked the past months that I would not walk again.  Could I head down some of the paths if I knew what they would hold, no.  That is why it's called faith! If it was sight, I would surely have turned around or fainted from fear at what was coming up.  Do I wish some of the paths had taken different turns, absolutely!  But the paths on this journey have brought me to a place of desperation for intimacy with God like no other time in my life.  And for that, I am eternally thankful!

It will take awhile for me to get it all out here, but I will write as God leads.  It's part of my instruction for 2013 - share what God has taught me and walk in obedience!  But what you  need to know about me is now I am one of "them"!  I have been radically touched by a living God.  I have experienced His presence like never before in my life...and once you have experienced Him, there is no turning back!  Holy Roller, Charismatic, Jesus Freak, Radical, Weird, Over the top, what ever the title used to describe one who is totally and completely sold out to Jesus with no box to keep Him in and only the expectation of new revelation and a desire to bring honor and glory to God like never before, well that's me.  We have a saying at our house right now, "The weirder, the better!" - not for "weird" sake, but for the purpose of experiencing God in life changing ways that allow us to then touch others in life changing ways.  

Before you right me off and quit reading because I have left theology for "feelings", let me leave you with a couple of thoughts that when put together should challenge any American Christian - "Unless I do the works of the Father, do not believe me." John 10:37 NKJV And in the words of Bill Johnson, "Jesus gave people the right to disbelieve it all if there was no demonstration of power upon His ministry.  I hunger for the day when the Church will make the same statement to the world. If we're not doing the miracles that Jesus did, you don't have to believe us." And before you discount him, let me leave you with this final word - "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12

Challenge: based on this standard, who would believe you?  And if you are not using this standard, why not?  

Check back!  Let me share where I was....it was a long trip to this place!  Don't discount it yet.  Hear me out.  All of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior have the authority and power to walk each day in victory here on earth....we don't have to wait until we die and go to heave...Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! And that's my prayer for each of you!

The Journey: Some processing and a FAITHFUL God

Yesterday was  quite the day.  Spent all morning at the police station.  When a situation is so bad that John considers getting politically involved to change the process, you KNOW it's serious!  I want to change all injustice, so not such a big deal when I want to do that!  Well, after dealing with the Midland Police Department for the last year, John wants to get politically active!  You really can't make this stuff up - the stories we have about what the police have done and said!  It's crazy!

I was able to see and talk to Paizley for the first time since she left.  I assured her nothing she has done or can do will ever change the fact that she is my daughter.  I was able to look her in the eyes and tell her that I still have hope!  I was able to speak the truth of God for what could be one last time - even reminding her of the Words God has given her through other people as late as last Wednesday warning her about such a time as this.  I was able to kiss Peighton.  I cried.  I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest or just explode all together as I watched my girls walk away.  I cried out to God many times...right there in the detective's conference room..and out loud!  I am not playing around with spiritual battles!  I will take all that is mine through the authority I have in Christ.  I will leave nothing on the battle field for lack of walking in authority.  We had the favor of God in many instances.  We walked into a very hostile environment and walked out with the detective sympathizing with us and even telling Paizley no one will ever care for her or love her like we do - adopted or not.

But probably the brightest moment of today actually happened Sunday, I just didn't understand the significance until yesterday.  Sunday during church, one of our pastors stood up and talked about gifts and how we are called by God to use our gifts for His kingdom and purposes.  I kind of dismissed it because I totally get that and believe I am in a place where I am truly doing that in work and am getting involved in church.  But at some point during the talk, as clear as if God was sitting beside me, the Holy Spirit spoke.  "The enemy will use what is happening to steal what you are doing with adoption and children in state custody.  He will not prevail because I have uniquely designed and gifted you for exactly this work.  Your experiences and knowledge in the things of this work are invaluable to what I want to do."  When I heard it, I kind of was startled.  When we have struggled with Paizley at times in the past, I have cried out to God asking how I could ever ask other families to adopt children from the foster system knowing what might be about to happen to their family.  I have questioned if I really believe in what I am doing with the state adoption program.  But the training I took in San Antonio - sitting with other professionals in this area - really solidified for me that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.  Because of my experience both professionally and personally, I can train and equip families for this process like few others who are doing it professionally can.  And also, I have an amazing daughter who I still believe will go mighty things for the kingdom some day because of waiting child adoption from the state!  So the thought that I would let even Paizley running away keep me from pursuing this work came as a shock to me.  But I took what God said and started analyzing how I felt asking God to reveal any hidden regrets or fears or doubt I had that would cause him to encourage me in that way.

Sitting in the detective's office yesterday, we learned some things about the process because of Paizley's misrepresentation of us and the events that surrounded her leaving.  The initial news of some of what will take place as the process plays out were potentially devastating and could have had me worrying about even being able to keep the agency open at all!  The detective stepped out for a minute and John and I talked some about what had been said so far.  I broke down.  Fear started to creep up.  Then God brought the words He had whispered into my ear on Sunday back to my remembrance, and I literally laughed out loud!  My God, my Faithful Father had already spoken peace and encouragement and victory over a situation that He knew was about to happen and had the potential to shake me up.  But because my hope is in Him, because He is my firm foundation, because He is my Deliverer and my Defender, I was not moved!  Fear left.  Worry stopped. Doubt fled.  Peace flooded me.

See that is the faithful God I serve!  My amazing spiritual mentor, Becky, often reminds us of a quote that one of her past pastors said, "You prepare for battle in times of peace so that in times of war you are prepared."  God has been teaching me, equipping me, loving me, drawing me closer to Him over the past two 15 years, but in God boot camp for the past two.  I am in His Word and alone with Him almost daily without fail.  I have to be.  He is literally my very breath most days.

But let me tell you, being equipped, gaining knowledge, just storing up arsenal of a spiritual fight is not my motivation for getting in the Word and spending time with God.  He is my motivation!  The more I learn about Him, the more time I spend with Him.  It's just like friends we have in the natural.  When you meet someone, you might not make time to go have coffee or lunch.  But as you get to know someone and learn that when you are around them you feel alive and free for some reason.  When you leave them you feel refreshed, encouraged.  We all have friends like that, and when they call and say, "we need to do coffee", we find a time!  It's the same with God.  The more I get to know Him, the more I make time for Him because I want to know Him more!  I want to know more about who He is, about how He operates, about what He wants for me.

We live in a society and a culture that can be scary.  I know more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of our society and the true condition of what my children are growing up in over the past year.  I realize now that I lived in a glass bubble concerning the world that we truly live in.  Part of that is where we live.  And part of it was just the mere fact that I don't have opportunity to get outside our little world much into the culture that exists outside my home and our church.  But I have been thrown full force into it this year and much of it has even touched my very home through some decisions of my daughter.  It's has never been normal at our house for police to show up on your door step at 10 at night!  At times I have despaired over the condition of the world and wondered what my children will face.  But the closer I have drawn to God, the more excited I get.  You see the darker the world is, the brighter the light of Christ will shine!  If you have a flashlight on in the middle of the day, it doesn't really do much.  But you turn that same flashlight on at midnight, and you completely change your environment!  It's midnight people!  Our lights should be changing our environment!!!!  What a blessed time we live in!  What a time for God's people to offer hope to a country that needs it!  Yes, my kids will have battles I never did, but God is also equipping them for the time they live in!  My daughter sees angels - has seen them many times.  She has spiritual awareness that I long for and has had since she could speak...and probably before, she just couldn't tell us!  I can't wait to see the impact for the kingdom my children have on this dark world!  I don't fear for them, I am excited for them!  Side note - because of the world I know they will grow up in, I know I have a bigger responsibility than probably any generation before me to equip them with the Word and knowledge and wisdom of God's ways in order for them to fulfill their kingdom purpose - and if you are a Christian, you do to!

God took me to Haggai 2 about four months ago (you don't get to Haggai on accident!).  It says this, "In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land.I will shake all nations."  As Becky says, we are living in a time when everything that can be shaken is being and will be shaken so that those things which can't be shaken - the things of God - will remain!  Praise God!  

I have never been more excited to know my God and be a Christ follower!  I know Him in a way I never have and I am madly in love!  Yes, I am in what has probably been the most devastating circumstances of my life - I am walking out something that I could never fathom - and frankly even in the middle of it can't quite get my head around it if I try to really think about it.  But here is the absolute truth, because I serve an all-powerful, totally sovereign, absolutely loving and so faithful Father, I will not be moved.  I will rise above my circumstances.  I will sore on wings like an eagle.  I will walk and not grow weary.  I will remain hidden in His secret place, protected, loved, peaceful.  I will remain stable and fixed with my eyes set on Him watching, waiting, listening for His voice telling me, "This is the way, walk in it!"

Oh!!! If I could just come through this screen and sit with any of you reading this and beg you to know Him!    Don't just know of Him, KNOW Him!  Don't just go to church on Sunday and call yourself a Christian.  Yes, if you have given your life to Christ, you are a Christian....but that is not the end...it is just the beginning!

He has great and wonderful things for you.....they are hidden in Him!  And as you peel back layer, by layer of His wonderful character, you will stand amazed!  And when life wants to beat you up, you will stand strong saying, bringing it on!  I know the truth!  We win in the end!  Thank you, God!

God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow!

Ok, Michelle, here is the post for another time I mentioned in Abundantly More that you asked for! :)

I am not really sure when the beliefs started or if they have always been there. I know my legalistic background and black and white nature definitely fed the beliefs. I can look back on two major faith walks...the first two really big things I heard God say "do this", and I obeyed. Neither one of them had "happily ever after" endings! Not sure if that is when it started or they just solidified beliefs that were already there. I know the day Eden's tiny arms and body that was burning up with fever were ripped from my neck...the day I looked into her eyes and said, "I will be back in three days to get you"...believing it with everything I had in me...that day and the days that followed that have turned into years that I was not able to keep that promise was the beginning of a belief that kept me from believing God is good to me.

It wasn't that I didn't believe God is good. I did. You can't stand on the Bible as true and not believe on some level that He is good. You can't continue to follow Him and not believe on some leve He is good. And that is where it stopped for me. I would read the scriptures that talked about the righteous being rewarded or those who believed in Him not being disappointed, and I would literally write in my margins biting comments like "really?" or "doesn't seem like that to me". Showing you my really mature side here! Let me add that I could believe those versus for you! I could believe them for anyone but me.

I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of being "overlooked" by God on that first trip to Liberia when two precious families were able to bring home their newly adopted children. I know that all the work I had done on Eden's adoption, the hours of research, talking on the phone to the Embassy, etc, etc had prepared me for the work I had done that had united these two families with their children. But throughout that entire trip, there was an ache in my heart! There was a bitterness toward God. Why couldn't I have learned all this AND Eden come home in the end? Why did I not get to bring my brown baby girl home while these families got to benefit from my pain? To make matters worse, I had left my 11 month old baby at home (which was soooooo hard!) to make the trip to make sure all was well for these families! In those few days I truly came to believe that it was my lot in life to suffer so others could be blessed. There was another walk of obedience I was on that is too personal to share here, but it also reinforced this lie the enemy was using to demolish my trust and faith in God. It was a slow decay, but I know these events were setting the stage for the enemy to try to steal, kill and destroy my faith and trust in God.

I knew for the past 7 years this was happening on some level, but it was like I didn't know how to stop the decay! I continued to walk with God and follow His voice...and there were many more "disappointments" with few victories in those walks. Hebrews 11 became my life anthem as I asked God over and over WHY?! Why did these men and women "not receive what was promised?" (Hebrews 11:39) Why did some receive back their dead while others were stoned, sawn in two, put to death, destitute, etc, etc? I just resolved myself to be in that last category and decided I probably needed to just learn how to live in that place. But then I would read things like Mark 11 where if I believe I can cast a mountain into a sea, and if I ask believing I have received it and it will be given to me. Why was that not true of my prayers? Where was that truth in my life?

I am really not sure when it all turned around. I know I still struggle...which is the real reason for this post today! I know when we found our current church, a whole new level of belief opened because I understood more about the Holy Spirit and who He is in our lives. I understood more about power and how previously I wasn't operating with all the power available to me. I don't fully understand how all that plays into my past 7 years...or my past 27 as a Christian for that matter. But this I know, God wants us to always be learning more about Him and believing Him for Who He is and what He says!

Last year was one of the toughest of my life. I blogged about some but not all the struggles. I have questioned my obedience to God more in the last year than in my entire life! Not out of a "are you real God?" questioning, but out of a "I know you had to overestimate what I can handle" type of questioning. I have said before that when I think I have found the end of myself, God takes me one level lower....that has been true on just about a daily basis the last year.

As I began to pray toward the end of 2011 about the coming new year, God gave me Deuteronomy 6 as a scripture for 2012. It talks about remembering God as you walk into the promised land. God had given me scriptures on the promised land before, so I immediately began questioning what He meant! I didn't feel like the other promised land scriptures came to pass, so I was a little reluctant to go there. I knew I couldn't handle anymore "disappointment". I even talked myself out of what God was telling me the scriptures meant. I have two journal entries that totally contradict each other. When I wrestled with that, God showed me that it was just the enemy trying to once again steal kill and destroy my faith and belief that God is good.

God, through the scriptures, told me that 2012 would be the year I would see victory in many areas that I had prayed for breakthrough! There are about four areas that I believe we will see victory in before 2012 ends. One of them is our finances! This is already a lengthy post, so I will save some of those thoughts! But the bottom line is I didn't believe God was good in our finances. I would see other families who only had 2 or 3 children and what they could do with their resources, and I would get angry about the life God had called me to. Shallow? YES! Immature? YES! But that was still where I was many days. It rarely started so shallow...it was usually after a particularly rough day with one or more of the kids or just a day of being overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 7 children and running a ministry that these thoughts would creep in! But God kept bringing me back to the promises for this year.

I have shared some of the gifts from God this year...like the penthouse..then John went on a business trip this past week and had to "suffer" through driving his dream car as his rent car: a Dodge Challenger. Just sweet little gifts like that. But this past week, I was becoming increasingly discouraged with our finances. We really need a 12 passenger van. NEED! Not want, NEED! If we are going to take a vacation this summer, we have to have a bigger car. Nine people in a nine passenger suburban was just not going to be possible for a road trip! We have been looking for one, but hadn't really found the one we thought we should buy, or it was gone by the time we got to it. Then this week, there were medical bills that came in...two kids are about to have medical procedures in the next two weeks, plus the bills for Callie's last hip surgery are coming in. The money I had cushioned for a van payment was dwindling, bit by bit. I still felt like we could handle it and then John told me the tuition for Callie's school that we will be sending her to next hear. The number I had in my head to prepare for was about half what the tuition really is! All the air left my balloon. I was deflated. I was doubting God again. I was wondering where the promised land was there. We have prayed and prayed over Callie's school and knew without a doubt that is where she is to go. We have prayed about a van....have put it off for over a year from when we really wanted to buy one...and felt we had the "go" light from God. Now it seemed impossible for both to be true!

And I began throwing my ever so immature fit with God! Where are You? You have given me promise after promise in Your Word (for this season , God has me literally praying about 10 scriptures every morning as my Bible study....so every morning I am believing for these things as I pray His Words back to Him out loud) yet the reality still remains! At some point faith has to become sight.

This was kind of how that conversation went that morning:

God: "Buy the van."

Me: "We can't buy a van! We have tuition each month which takes all the money I had found in the budget for a van payment! There is no way we can do both."

God: "Buy the van."

Me:"Maybe you didn't hear me, we can't do both!"

God:"You are not paying tuition right now. Buy the van."

Me:"No, but we will be paying tuition in about three months and there is no significant income change in the near future"

God:"Buy the van. Three months is tomorrow...it has enough trouble of its own."

Me:"But I don't see anyway it will work!"

God:"Hebrews 11:1 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you DO NOT SEE!' if you could see a way for it to work, it would not be faith. Buy the van."

I shared this with one friend that day. I had't even had time to share it with John. That conversation happened Thursday morning. Yesterday John sat down to do our taxes. Yes, we are one of "them"! We usually are turning them in April 15 at midnight, so

we are actually early this year! I was having a meeting and John came in and said he needed me to look at something asap. He has checked a box on our tax software and we were now showing a significant tax refund...like winning the lottery (at least in my mind!) type of tax refund. We both agreed something had to be wrong, so John started making phone calls and looking into it. But sure enough, it was right! We were unaware that the adoption tax benefit that was in effect for special needs adoptions in 2010 had been extended to 2011. Since the adoptions of our girls were finalized in 2011, we qualified for them! I just cried! I asked for forgiveness for doubting! I praised my Father who wants and gives abundantly more than I could hope or imagine! It was so much more than a number on a screen! It was a promised fulfilled! It was a stone of remembrance to trust and have faith in my Heavenly Father who wants me to believe and trust Him enough to walk into my Promised land no matter what "giants" may seem to stand in my way!

The amount was enough that we can pay off our final credit card (something we had been trying to do for two and a half years!) AND pay cash for a van!!!!! AND probably go to Disney next year with money we can save between now and then since we will not have to make a van or credit card payment!!!!!

This takes me back to my post title: God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow! God is good, my friends! But He is not just good today because He has provided for me financially! He was good "yesterday" when I doubted Him. He was good "yesterday" when Eden didn't come home. I never want to put God is "good" as a response to something good happening to me because that leaves the assumption he is "bad" when something bad happens or I am disappointed. The truth God is teaching me is that He is good all the time! And my willingness to trust and believe that regardless of my circumstances is when the blessings come!

Am I excited about the money, absolutely! But I am way more excited about a God who loves me enough to meet my needs and to "prove" Himself to me when I seek Him.... even though He proved Himself enough that I should NEVER doubt by going to the Cross for me! I am celebrating that I have a God who loves me and cares for my needs and meets me right where I am! He will do the same for you!

There is so much more to tell about this journey I am on...but if you have made it this far in this post, you have read a novel! And my kids are asking for breakfast...so my post for another time will have to be completed another time...... :)

Abundantly More

What is this you ask? Well, it is the a Penthouse suite at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza in Beverly Hills. Why is it on my blog you ask? Because it is my home for the next few days and nights! How did that happen you ask? Well, according to Ephesians 3:20 God is able and will do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. John travels enough that he earns points so every now and then I can fly with him. He has a conference for one of the units he oversees in LA this week, so I came with him. I had set this time aside to start writing a book that God has asked me to write. I've started two other books God asked me to write, but I wasn't obedient to finish them, and now the words don't come easily. So I am determined to obey this time and see this one to completion! So I set this time of uninterrupted, quiet time aside for that. I was so looking forward to a hotel room with a desk or just a chair for me to sit and be alone with God to write. But when we checked in late last night, they had sold out and did not have our room available even though we had a reservation, so they asked if the Penthouse suite would be ok? After much thought....NOT!....we said sure!

And this was our view last night overlooking Avenue of the Stars in Beverly Hills!

I had my coffee with God on that lanai this morning, and He and I had some great laughs and conversations about this whole Penthouse thing! But as I texted my mentor to share with her where I was having my quiet time, Ephesians 3:20 is what she sent back to me and I just felt the love of God wash over me! He has told me time and again that 2012 will be the year I understand His goodness and His love for me. The root behind that is a post for another time. But this morning as I sit in my Penthouse, I am reminded that God has more than I could ever hope or dream for me in EVERY are of my life! I never even dreamed to desire a penthouse for my days of writing, but God did..and not only did her dream it, He gifted it to me! So instead of a chair or desk to write at, I can go to the couch, the executive desk, the chair in the bedroom, or either of the two lanais! And this morning I am excited...not about a penthouse, but about the "penthouses" he has for the areas of my thirsty soul! He has ABUNDANTLY more than I could ever even dream of asking Him for waiting for me....and I don't want to miss it! All I have to do is press into Him and stay in His presence following His voice!

So thankful for that reminder today!

God's Economy again!

Had a VERY humbling lesson today! My struggle with God's promises is back. Just had some hard times that makes it difficult to hang onto Truth. Wish I wasn't so quick to believe the lies of the enemy over God's Word, but for some reason I am. One of the areas that we, John and I, have really worked on as far as trusting God and believing His promises is in money. In the last year we added two children and a pregnancy and lost a salary. So money is tight at times. We have to get pretty creative for just about anything above and beyond the basic needs that we want to have. Of course, we are still wealthier than 90% of the world! I totally understand that after working intently in Liberia for 5 years. But when you live in America and have the American mentality around you and have to look at what the Jones' have every day, it is hard to not get caught up in it...at least it is for me!

I can tell you many stories of God's provision. And actually, money is not my biggest struggle for trusting God, but eventually, as I continue down a path of doubt or mis-trust, money will become an issue. I was brought up tithing. I understand the concept that it is God's and he is only asking for 10%. John and I have always meant to tithe, but have gone through seasons where we didn't simply because we weren't disciplined to take it out FIRST and by the time we got to write the check the money was gone.

Well, we have been very committed to our tithe and then some, just really trying to walk in obedience and generosity lately. When we were struggling with the discipline, God really impressed John with Malachi 3 that promises God will rebuke the devourer for us when we are faithful to give Him what He asks for. We have had many illnesses in our home this winter which means lots of doctor bills and medicine expenses on top of the pregnancy. Three of the kids and John have had to have dental work done. Then this week, our slab sprung a leak! We are on day three with no water except to turn it on to bathe and wash dishes. We have a VERY high deductible, so we will be coming up with that money.

Over lunch, John and I were both talking about how hard it is to believe God for His promises when circumstances truly point to the opposite! I haven't worried about the money part so much, but there are MANY other promises that I have just laughed at God over for the past couple of weeks! His promises just seem a world away right now in just about every aspect of life!

John was talking specifically about being ready for the last half of the tithe promise to be evident and we can know that the devourer has been kept at bay by our obedience in our finances.

I literally was walking in the back door from that conversation when Ava yells, "Someone is here!" It was a dear friend of mine who was bringing crib sheets that I am collecting for some moms in San Angelo. But before she left, she handed me $100 and said, "God told me to give you $100. I don't know what it is for, but I want to walk in obedience." Now, this friend has had just as many struggles as we have! In fact, we have talked the past couple of weeks about how much our lives are paralleling right now in the area of tests! So the fact that she would be handing me this money made it all the more humbling!

Of course, in tears, I call John and tell him what just happened. It was a tangible hand of God saying, "I hear you! Hang on! Trust me! I am in control! I will bring my promises to fruition! Don't doubt!" My spirits lifted and hope resides in me for the first time in weeks. Not just about money, but about all my areas of doubt! I LOVE that God loves us enough to show up very tangibly through an obedient friend when I'm pouting and refuse to listen. If I don't stop to spend time with Him, He'll just show up at my door step! That doesn't happen all the time, trust me, so when it does, I have to take notice! And believe me, I AM LISTENING now!!! Thank you, God, for sending me hope through a friend who was Jesus with skin on today! And thank you Friend, for walking in obedience! You have helped set my mind back where it needs to be!

Surviving the War Zones of Life

"Surviving the War Zones of Life" is the name of the chapter I am reading in "When Life and Beliefs Collide". I highly recommend this book for anyone who is struggling with how you continue to walk in faith when faith seems to have disappointed or you wonder where God is in so many areas of your life!

I have found that even though I am transparent, I am a stuffer! If there is an issue I really don't understand or don't want the pain of really dealing and healing, then I stuff it! I just push it down in my mind and heart until it is covered by something else and forget it is there....until God brings it to the top because He knows is will stay down there and fester and ooze and cause problems for me as I walk this journey called life with Him!

This morning was one of those times he brought a hurt to the surface.

The past year has been horrendous in the agency. Yes, the government of Liberia and the US government have lied, played the political games, cause the death of one of the children we loved and several that we know of, but that is not even the biggest wound. The biggest wound(s) have come at the hands of the Christians I have served. They have come at the hands of people who think they understand all the dynamics to running an orphanage half way around the world, but really have no clue of all that it entails. They have come at the hands of Christians who think getting a child home is more important than standing on ethics and morals during the process.

I have been slandered and accused of just about everything in the book. I will be the first to say that I haven't done everything perfect! There are times maybe I should have listened to some of the gossip from adoptive parents, but if they only know how much "he said" or "she said" I hear and that most of the time it is totally false!

I have been amazed at "Christians". I have told John so many times over the past two years - put me on an island with lost people and let me love them, PLEASE! I am so tired of Christians destroying each other and me! At least lost people have a reason to act that way...they don't know any better! We are supposed to! The word says the world will know us by our love for each other...well, no wonder we are not impacting the world anymore than we are! We would rather kill each other than find a way to work together!

All this has made me question where God was in the work that He called me to! I know he is sovereign, so I know that none of this has happened without first going through His hands. Just as He granted Satan permission to sift Job, He has allowed these things to happen. At anytime, He could have stopped them. So why didn't He? That is my overall question! He knows the pain they caused. He knows the physical effects this stress and hurt has had on my body and my mind. Yet He allowed it.....so that would always bring me back to a question that I am still wrestling with in my heart...How can a good God do that?

So I LOVED this chapter. She talked about Job and she also talked about Joseph. Joseph ended up in a prison because of his brothers. God allowed that. God, who had already told Joseph He would do great things, allowed him to be put in a pit, shackled with chains, rejected by brothers, isolated and lost from the father he adored...and yet God is good. Really? That just doesn't compute in my heart....my brain can read The Word and see that it says it, but with what I have gone through at the hands of others, my heart just isn't there yet...I am getting closer every day - I'm in a good place right now and enjoying it - but I know God is bringing up the heart and pain so I can deal with it through His Word and understand a little more about Who He Is!

Carolyn Custis James says it this way: "The war zones of life force us to take our theology seriously, to see if our beliefs about God hold up when the tragedies and perplexities of life press down upon them...Our hope in God is no better than a placebo if his plan doesn't encompass all of life - the dark side as well as the bright." If you go back and read my posts from these dark times, you will clearly see that my beliefs about God were not holding up at all under the tragedies and perplexities of life! I was flailing like a fish out of water!

James goes onto discuss the two parts of God's plan - the "revealed will" which are his statutes and commands. They are written and not a mystery. Then there is the "hidden will" which is the part that we don't know and may never know. James says, "It is important for us to see how the Bible distinguishes between these two aspects of God's will because this distinction enables us to maintain, on the one hand, that God's will (revealed) is always for us to live holy lives of obedience to his Word and, on the other hand, that God's plan (hidden will) is to accomplish his good purposes for us through everything that happens, even through the evil that takes place in his world. In a fallen world populated by sinners and relentlessly assaulted by the powers of evil, the sphere of God's reign would be minuscule indeed if it extended only to areas where his moral will was being obeyed." I have understood that, but there was a time when the pain was so much from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that I didn't want anymore of God's "good purposes"! I truly believed for a time that my plot in life was to sell myself out to Christ and live a life of sacrifice and hurt so that others could see the good of God while I was left behind in the aftermath. I wrestled for months if not a year with that concept. The enemy was trying with all his might to make me believe that was God's plan for my life. But that is not Truth! Praise God He kept speaking to me until I understood that even in the bad times, God was working for my good. Even if I don't see it, I am beginning to be able to believe it.

Which leads me to the next part of what the author said that I think strikes a chord with many of us! "Living with mystery is uncomfortable for us." Well, that is an understatement! I have always said that I can deal with whatever the outcome is in most instances, but it is the "not knowing" that kills me! It is the wait time before the answer comes that can make me insane. So the next statement is profound if I want to live a life of faith! "But faith inevitably takes us into mystery, where we don't - and won't- have all of the answers and where, from time to time, we have to affirm truths that to our finite minds seem to conflict. The paradox we are wrestling with now is that God's good purposes, his hidden will, are preserved and advanced even when the devil takes a hand in our lives, when we fall int the hands of other people, or when we, with our own two hands, pull our lives crashing down around our ears."

So I must wrestle with this: even in the hurtful words and actions of adoptive parents who went so far as to meddle with my staff in Liberia causing great strife and dissension there and limitless issues that I am still dealing with, the words that have not only been spoken in phone calls to each other that make it back to me, but that have been put on the web for all the world to read and see, God's good purposes are preserved and advanced!

That may seem like an easy statement for you. For me, as I wrestle and seek what God wants next for Addy's Hope during this time, it is excruciating! To continue any adoption program means opening myself up to this all over again! It means understanding that I can go into any adoption program with my heart - a heart for all involved in adoption: the children, the adoptive parents and the birth family - and still people will accuse me of being heartless, a liar, a cheat, ruthless and even unethical. Well, frankly, I would rather cut off my right arm! And that my friends is why God is bringing this to the top!

But let me share a positive note in this! God, the gracious God that I serve and Who is teaching me more and more about His character at this point in my life is allowing me to walk a safer path. Since turning over the orphanage to Lifesong in Liberia, and thus making Addys' Hope's future in adoptions an unknown, I have spoken to more people about adoption than I had in over a year with the agency! But here's the deal - these people are friends! They are people from our new church home who God has burned a passion for adoption and fostering. They are safe! He has allowed me a safe place to put my feet back in the water that scalded me. He is allowing me to work with people who know me. They know my heart! They know passion! So even if circumstance don't turn out like any of us planned as they most certainly did not in Liberia, they will not blame me or question my integrity or call me names. Words may not break my bones, but they definitely hurt me and break my heart and spirit! God has placed me in a safe place for now to walk in my calling! That is a good God!

Will I always be in this "safe" place? No. God will eventually take off my training wheels again and call me back into the adoption world with adoption programs that will probably cause people to question me again. And the thing I pray I have learned by then is that in those times when people try to pull me down, I can press harder into God. I will have learned a little more about his character so that I can stand stronger and not spiral into depression or despair. I will understand a little more after this season of life that God is good. That head knowledge will have moved to my heart and allow me to trust Him more than I did in the last season! And that is worth the heart ache! At least I can say that today...on a good day! And my prayer is that I will be at a point in my life where I say that EVERY day!

Pick up When Life and Beliefs Collide if you have been struggling with God's goodness in your life! I think you will find some healing in the words of a great woman theologian!

Walking this walk one step at a time,

HollyAnn