The "Daily" of Discipleship

I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that.  I am sure it’s a really good post, a really good concept.  But I haven’t had time to finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for the past few weeks.

Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post today either.  I am going to be really honest right here.  I wish I could turn back.  I wish I could go back to my American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children and the need for more to speak up.  I wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children.  I wish if I was going to have to work at something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.

On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and on fire.  In a week when I have now heard two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds.  But can none of that is happening tonight as I crawl in my bed.

 

Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which really matter right now.  So what now? Do I really quit?  Do I really give up?  Do I stop just before the victory? Can I really do this another day?

The answer is Yes, I can.  And the answer is, Yes, I will.  God promises His mercies are new every morning.  In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I am able to finally close my eyes at night.  Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable.  It means denying myself! It means taking up my cross... DAILY!

I did that today.  Did I do it with joy?  No, I can’t say that I did.  But that DAILY means that I had a choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls, inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I will have the same choice.

So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled with the cross I am carrying.  But if even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now.  But just like Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less, not my will but Yours be done!” 

**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :) 

Undone and Redone

This post has been rolling around in my head for a few weeks, maybe even months. Frankly, I haven't had the time to sit down and process it enough to write it. But since I am at home with a sick little boy and missing church, I figured this was a good time to sit and process and write!

I have been undone by God many times since I came to know Him as my Savior 25 years ago. Wow, that just made me feel old! There are times when He was stretching me so far I just knew I would pop! But right before that moment where I could take no more, something would give.
I have been in one of those times for almost three years! Every time I think the "give" is coming, something else pops up and stretches me even further. Frankly, I am tired. I am weary, but giving up isn't an option...so I have spent a lot of time pondering and contemplating!

But this being undone is different! It is stretching, it is growing, it is learning more about who God is and who I am in Him, but it is also creating a brand new me! More than just my mind is being transformed by the renewing of His Word.

I can just feel God totally undoing me and then redoing me again. It is like he is taking me apart piece, by piece and putting me back together the way He needs me to be in order to operate the way He needs me to in His kingdom. The down side of this painful process is that I know no matter how much He does to me right now, I will still need to grow and stretch as I will never reach full maturity this side of heaven. But the really big up side of this is that I am learning to be who He called me to be and learning to do what He has called me to do with joy!
I am not there yet! But it is like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an on-coming train this time!

I have struggled as you know if you have read my blog for long with what God has called me to do over the last 8 years and the outcomes that have come from my obedience. I have subscribed to what I call the "American" Christianity where I think if I obey, then somehow God owes me a good outcome, or at least one that rewards me just a bit for my obedience. The problem with that thinking is that it is totally unscriptural. I could go on and on about that, but I will leave it at show me more than a handful of Bible stories that have a happy ending this side of heaven? The words used in Hebrews 11 when referring to the hall of fame for faith walkers are: mockings, scourging, chains, imprisonment, stoned, sawn in two, tempted, put to death with the sword, destitute, afflicted, ill-treated, did not receive what was promised. Does that sound like happy endings? Does that sound like something you would sign up for? Not me! But the last verse in Hebrews 11 says, "because God has provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect." Ah, there is the key!

I have talked before about head knowledge versus heart knowledge. Well, this truth in Hebrews 11:40 is starting to become heart knowledge! I have walked this out in my own life now. I have not been stoned or sawn in two, but frankly after some of the hell Christians have put me through over the past 8 years, and specifically the last year, being stoned to death sounds like a vacation! But through these experiences, I have learned "God has provided something better for us"!

There are several MAJOR walks I have taken with Jesus that were in direct obedience to Him and only caused me and those I love pain and suffering. Some are too private to discuss on this public forum, but some I have talked openly about. Two of those are adopting Eden and Addy and obeying God to open and operate Addy's Hope.

The pain caused by these walks have lead me at times to want to turn my back on God. You have been a part of a few of those times through my honest and transparent posts. I couldn't understand how a loving, righteous and caring God could allow some of the circumstances that I found myself in after walking in obedience. But just like the Hebrews 11 passage eludes, circumstances do not dictate our reality!

So over the past few weeks, I have heard what I believe is the answer God has been forming in me through all these tough times. I have been looking for a miracle in all these areas! Faith has never been hard for me...Addy died: that hurt, but I knew God would use it some way for good; Eden's adoption failed: after I came back from walking away from God, I knew there were vital lessons learned about God in that journey and the work he was doing in me was way more important than the outcome of the adoption (still working through that one totally even 4 years later); adoptive parents ridiculing because I take a stand for ethics and legal activity: God taught me that I am to please Him not man; and the list goes on. Faith to take the journey was never a problem, but accepting the outcome, whatever it is, has been! In each of these, I just wanted God to "poof" something and make my little world happy again. But I am learning that while God can work that way, He usually works a work in His people instead.

What have I heard God say in the past few weeks? It is this: You are looking for a miracle that makes your work/life easier or lighter. But what I want for you is to provide the miracle of equipping you to do the work I have called you to and fulfill the purposes that I placed you here for this time and in this place. And to do it no mighter how heavy the load with JOY!

Let that soak in! I've been trying to let that soak in for about three weeks now! I had told John that I thought God was telling me that, and then the very first video session of the Beth Moore study, "Esther", that I am doing had her quoting the exact same thing! Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence in God's kingdom! He was using Ms. Moore to re-enforce what He is trying desperately to get through my thick skull!

You might not think believing God will equip me is such a big deal! But if you could get inside my head and see the thoughts that cross my monitor in there and are played on the radio of my inner mind (I know that thought just caused many of you to shudder!), you would know the magnitude and the truly miraculous work it will take for God to do just that! For me to walk forward in JOY in what He has called me to will take God convincing me I can do it and it will be fun while I do! You see the thoughts and sounds I hear in my head say, "it is too much!", "others aren't called to do this much, so you need to give something up", "you will never accomplish all that is on your plate", "you are being a horrible mother because of the time the agency takes from you", "you are all those things people who don't know you say you are and those nice things people who know you say are just because they only know part of you. If they knew all of you, they wouldn't say those things!" And the list goes on and on.

The miracle God is doing in me is to silence those voices! It is to get up and act on my reality instead of sitting and pondering my circumstances! Circumstances say it is too hard and I will never get it done....and so do some people in my life. But reality is I am a daughter of a King! I am a Princess with all the kingdoms assets and talents at my disposal! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! (Phil 4:13) He provides in abundance all we need to do His work! (2 Cor 9:8)

Now isn't that exciting? You know what makes me most excited about that? It's not just true for me! It is true for each and every one of you who have committed your life to Christ and made Him Lord! What if we all quit listening to the voices in our heads that are not aligned with scripture? What an impact we would have on this world for Christ!

So next time that thought passes by the monitor of your mind, do a search! Does it align with scripture? If it does, hit the save button before you lose it! If it doesn't delete it and empty it from your recycle bin so that it doesn't take root and cause you to believe a lie!
Thanks for walking this journey with me! I think it is about to get really exciting! Stay tuned...and share the ways God has undone and redone you! It will be an encouragement to us all to hear your testimonies!

How much?

Is it ever ok to just tell God you can't do it? Is it ok to tell him you have taken all the stones from fellow Christians you can take with out literally laying down and dying? When asked what is the hardest part of my job...it wouldn't be the governments...I can deal with them, it is fellow Christians who think they have it all together and cast stones at me for the work I do in caring for the children in Liberia.

Some of those people read my blog...I'm sure they will take great pleasure in my defeat! They can be proud to know the enemy has used them well!

It's MRSA and they are cutting it out.....I think she may have a mild form of muscular dystrophy

It's MRSA and they are cutting it out.....I think she may have a mild form of muscular dystrophy

These are the words that I heard/read with in an hour of each other.

John was out of town on business. He had a spot on his leg that was really hurting him that we thought was just an inflamed hair follicle. But with in 24 hours, he was running 101 fever, had chills and couldn't walk from the pain in his leg. So on my way to Ava's 3 year well check he texts me and says, "doc thinks its mersa, cutting it out." His phone was off, so that was all I knew. I am getting out of the car to take the kids in to the pediatrician for Ava's well check trying to figure out how I am going to get to Fredericksburg as my husband is probably being admitted to the hospital!

After the doctor examines Ava and asks many questions, he says, 'I think she may have a mild form of muscular dystrophy." Not really sure what all he said after that. He said a lot, I asked questions, but my brain was still trying to wrap itself around what he had just said while I was hearing the rest of the explanation. I remember bits and pieces as I talk about it with family members, but just not sure.

Go to the car in a slight fog. John calls and he is better. After they removed a boil half the size of his fist full of infection from his leg, he is feeling slightly better (that was before the pain of having a boil half the size of his fist cut out of his leg hit!). I share the news of Ava with him. At this point being brave isn't that hard because I'm not really even understanding what I am telling him.

Ava has been a special blessing in my life. All my children are wonderful, don't get my wrong! But Ava came unexpectedly right after we lost Addy and while we were waiting for the outcome of the visa for Eden. I did a 100 word testimony on her at Stonegate. Basically, little Ava was my promise and hope that life would go on despite all the heartache of the years preceding her birth in the area of children and parenting! She is my laid back child, my joy-filled child, my little girl who can re-energize me with a game of tickles when I have had an exhausting day!

To hear that she may have an illness that could shorten her life (he assured me it wouldn't, but all research on muscular dystrophy says otherwise, and he tends to NOT tell me things before a diagnosis as we have learned in a couple of other instances!) has taken me through every emotion known to woman!

Shock was first. It takes awhile for something like that to soak in. I really can't say that fear even surfaced until the next day. That first day was just shock. Trying to really understand what we might be dealing with considering the very little bit of information we had. But the next day, well, when I finally took a shower after noon, the tears started and just as I figured, once they started, I couldn't get them to stop! What do I KNOW? I KNOW:

• God is in control and this is no surprise to Him;
• Ava is fearfully and wonderfully made NO MATTER what the outcome of the test results are;
• I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength;
• watching my child struggle will be hard;
• knowing my child has an illness that might cause her difficulty and keep her from doing everything she might ever want to do makes my heart hurt;
• there will be days when a diagnosis will not matter and there will be days when a bad diagnosis will seem like the end of the world;
• God will never leave me nor forsake me as I walk this journey;
• Someone else giving me these churchy answers who has never walked this path on a bad day will make me really angry (right or wrong, that is a fact!);
• parents have received much worse news than that their child might have a muscular issue.
• God loves her more than I EVER could and will use whatever the outcome is for His glory
• I have friends like Lacy who deal with special needs children every day and have made me aware of the precious children behind those words, "special needs". Lacy, I have thought a lot about you the last two days! You are my hero! Little Miss Autumn is just too precious!

The blood tests have been ordered and will be drawn tomorrow. They will be sent to Mayo Clinic and we will wait. I have always said in major life issues that the unknown is the hardest thing. I'm not so sure that is true this time. As long as I don't know, there is still hope that all the little indicators that makes the doctor think we might have a problem are just coincidence. So not knowing just might be ok this time!

If you think of it, will you say a prayer for my sweet girl that all is normal....well at least as normal as any Petree can be?! Thanks!

Wow!

Just like God to kick me in the tail right after I post a piti-party post like my last one. Received this in my e-mail today....don't know who the original author is, but it leaves no room for excuses!

Our family experienced a year of extreme trauma and loss in 2008. In the midst of it all we stood firm on the promise that God would never leave us or forsake us. We praised Him in the midst of sorrow. We praised Him in the midst of confusion. We praised Him no matter what was going on because for years we had declared that our God was a good God. When the hard times come you have opportunity to take your experience with the Lord to a higher level of trust. He is not only good when we understand it all....He is good when we don't understand any of it. Loving God with everything you have is more than theory or philosophy...it is a way of living. I have learned so much more of God's love and provision through difficulty than I would have ever learned otherwise. It is easy to give the enemy place and justify our sin. Bitterness, anger, and other destructive behavior can enter in and take us down quickly. I thank God for His faithfulness and the presence of the Holy Spirit on my life.

Trust & Obedience

Trust & Obedience: two words that seem to be coming up consistently in my life. Two words that I am not necessarily fond of, two words I know are for my own good, two words that mean I am being stretched beyond where I have been stretched before even though I thought I would break that time.

On my face tonight. Begging God to show Himself to me, and once again two words....the widow says (could be HollyAnn says these days) in 1 Kings 17:12 "As the Lord your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die." Obviously she has not heard the scripture about taking thoughts captive...oh yeah, that is in the New Testament...hadn't been written yet! So I guess she is off the hook, I however, am not! Drats!

So here is Elijah's response: "Do not fear, go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it FIRST and bring it out to me, and AFTERWARD you may make one for yourself and for you son." (emphasis mine). So I had to write in my margin: "trust & obedience first" There's those two words again.......

Siiiiiiiigh......

Somedays you just wonder if God has turned your world upside down for a reason, or He just likes to play with you. Having a couple of those days. Ready to be back on top, but can't seem to get myself up there! Can't wait until the day I see Jesus Face to Face and all this world is behind me!

Haven't done my Bible study yet today....need to.....not really wanting to talk to the Big Man right now....pretty upset with Him.....wonder where He is right now....know all the right answers, but having a hard time convincing my heart that it is all true!

This post has been a long time coming! - Part Three

Boy you guys get ugly when I don't finish a story!

So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.

So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?

There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!

But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.

In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.

Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!

But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.

On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.

I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*

So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!

I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!

So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!

I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "

And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!

I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!

I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!

So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!

This post has been a long time coming! - Part Two

So I did explode...several times! My kids thought there mom had lost her mind, I am quite sure. I can remember one time having to leave the house and walk around it several times to calm down and wondering if I really was losing it! John would just look at me like I was nuts, well I probably was!

I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!

Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!

I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!

He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!

He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!

So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!

to be continued........

This post has been a long time coming!

Over the past year, I have made several references to something I would post later. I had started the post in a word document, then my computer crashed. So I am going to just hack away at this until I have it all out there. Maybe I will get it all done tonight, or maybe it will be a multiple post story....

I touched on some of my story here. But that was not the whole of it.

I am really not sure when it all started. It was probably late in 2007. I started having problems thinking. It got the point that I couldn't even finish a sentence with out someone giving me the word. It was driving me nuts! I had suffered pretty severe postpartum depression with Ava, even took medicine for a few months. It felt like that was coming back, but everyone said it was too long after the birth for it to be postpartum. So I just went on, living with the issues and telling myself I had to press on! I am the queen of "press on"!

As you know, we took a trip in January of this year to pick up our sweet Toben. On that trip, many things happened. One of the biggest is that a man saw us having dinner (our 4 families and three families from another agency...there were a bunch of us white people with black children!). The guy was from UNICEF but was working with the government to do something...never really was sure what. Didn't really care either! By the next morning, he had "reported" us to the Ministry of Health. The Deputy Minister (who by the way has live in the US for 20 years and whose family STILL lives here!) had put our children's visas on hold and sent out letters stating that we were to be arrested if we tried to cross the borders with our children. So that started a 5 day battle to get our children out.

Turns out the deputy minister had NO RIGHT to do what he did as we already had our papers (including the report from HIS office that was required for the adoptions!). So we were able to get our children home. However, there was a ton of emotions that I experienced. I was there as an agency director, but also as an adoptive mother. John and I both had to wear many caps that trip. We got to see God move mountains, and it was awesome! But it took its toll on my already worn out faith, strength, mind and emotions. I really had to face the fact that I could once again leave a child in Africa, at an airport. It wasn't until we were on the way (very late!) to the airport about 45 minutes before out plain was to take off that we found out we had clearance from all branches of the government and would be allowed on the plane with our children. We refer to that trip as the time we saw the Red Sea part and we walked through it!

By the time we got home, the story had hit international media. There were articles on msnbc and yahoo that said I had been involved in child trafficking and "sneaked" the children out of the country. It was all false, crazy accusations, but still, they were out there for the whole world to see! I seriously didn't know if the FBI was going to knock on my door and arrest me. I know that sounds crazy and dramatic, but when you know the seriousness with which the state department takes child trafficking, and you have a high ranking government official (the same one mentioned earlier!) in a country being quoted as saying you "sneaked" children out of his country, it makes you wonder! We spent the next few days talking to the State Department and a dear friend of ours who has connections in DC to clear our name and make sure there would be no ramifications from this on our side.

So not only was I dealing with all that, but I was also trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 and having a new little man in the house who didn't know the rules and who really messed up pecking order in the P-tree home! Add on top of that 19 families who had heard bits and pieces of our week, but really didn't know for sure what was going on or what it meant for their children. I understood their need for info, but I was really just in need of a break! But no break would come! So I pressed on! (see, there it is again!)

I pressed on through that crisis, through Toben getting settled and Ava getting used to another "baby" in the house. Toben needed lots of hugs and cuddles as can be expected with what he had just experienced! Ava wasn't so sure about sharing her momma! And as many of you know (and I will try to post more on at some point), I don't bond quickly with my adopted children. So while all this was going on, I was trying not to project everything I felt about this country onto my child who just came from there! That was probably one of the hardest parts in those first few weeks!

I assured all my parents that I would continue to fight for their children as if they were my own, and I did. I fought the government, I fought parents who didn't think I was doing enough, I fought feelings of desperation because there was nothing more I could do, I fought personal attacks from parents on blogs (I have learned to be VERY careful which blogs I read!). Add on to that issues in my home. Marriage issues over expectations as the agency took more and more of my time which meant less and less was spent with family and on keeping the house running smoothly. I truly was a time bomb ticking, just waiting to explode.

to be continued..............................................

The smell of bacon....

is torcher on a Daniel fast! Oh my goodness! I am starving, but fruit just doesn't sound good! I need to find something to make that John and I can eat that is different from what we have been eating. We are almost half way through! I haven't cheated one time! It was only by God's strength that a piece of bacon didn't go in my mouth this morning! We fix big breakfasts on Saturday mornings, so I fixed, bacon, eggs and waffles for the kids. I will go choke down my oatmeal! :)

Really, though, it is good. It is good to rely on God for something silly like not putting a piece of bacon in my mouth! Then when something big, ummmm like parenting 7 children for a limited time, comes, I know I can trust Him there too!

Yes, you read that right, John and I will have 7 children for a little while...just a few weeks. We have a situation (can't share details for confidentiality reasons) where we need to take in three kids until legal documents can be finished for them to go to their home in Colorado! God has a great sense of humor, huh?! I don't even have a car that will hold just me and all the kids! Our van and Suburban only hold 7 (7+1=8) ha!ha!

But let me just say how proud I am of my hubby! Everyone knows when a child is in need, I will jump on it before I even think! That is just how I am wired! But John was the first one to say, "they can come here"! Thank you, John!

I am sure the next few weeks are not going to be easy, three new kids that will be going through a huge emotional crisis, my four that are always in emotional crisis (at least in their minds!), running the ministry which is about to explode (all good things right now!) and do life as usual! I just try not to think about it! God knew this was what tomorrow held for me, so as long as I am on my face, trusting Him, it will all work out! Crazy thing is that we already had beds for all three...not in the right rooms, but we have beds! We will have four boys and three girls, for the first time in this house, the boys will out number the girls! Oh my!

So say a prayer for us if you think of it! I may not be blogging much for the next few weeks...if I am absent you will know why! We will pick the kids up on Monday night!

Stressed....Who ME?

Ok, so I have had this weird feeling on my right side starting last Monday that just kept getting worse. By Thursday I was sure something was definitly wrong. Won't go into the gorry details of incompetent doctors and PA's, but I finally saw a good doctor yesterday. Turns out they think I have shingles! I thought that was an old person disease! Dr. Salcido says, "These are classic signs of shingles. Have you been under stress?" My mother was in the room with me, so I didn' t even bother to answer as I knew the answer was about to be yelled over my shoulder from her! She proceeded to tell him just how stressful my life is. And he agreed that this is probably what it is.

So, I have shingles. I had an abdominal sonogram today to make sure there is nothing else wrong, but it looks like shingles it is!

It has me concerned, not because of the shingles, they are painful, but I can handle that! The part I am having a hard time handling is that my body is reacting this way to my life! I thought I was doing really good at handling all the stress (the move, all the children in my care in Liberia, all the families in my care in America, a house that is in the middle of remodel, boxes everywhere, three children, a husband, a tight budget, Pastor Wesley, an adoption, PTA, three families traveling to Liberia and getting stuck in the MOnrovia airport with people wanting bribes) but my body says I'm too stressed. So what is a girl to do? Which one of those things in that list do I give up? I don't see that any of them can go! So how do I handle it better so that my body is ok, I am ok, and my family is ok? Sometimes life on this earth just seems too hard! I want to glorify my Father in Heaven, but sometimes I just think I can't. He has asked too much, yet His word says He doesn't give me more than I can handle THROUGH HIM~ So on that note, I am going to go spend some time with my Heavenly Daddy!