I said I would never home school.....

So I have learned to never say never! After my last endeavor at home schooling (CallieAnn home schooled the last half of 6th grade and Paizley home schooled her sophomore year), I said I did not ever want to do that again...unless...it was in the best interest of one of our kids.

CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.

CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.

So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.

It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!

So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.

We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!

"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4

He Just Wants Your Yes

God keeps taking back to the first few chapters in Matthew during my time with Him in the mornings.  I was reading in chapter 3 this week after a few weeks of really hard life that has left me feeling like a failure at pretty much everything God has asked me to do....at the top of that list would be parenting 9 children! I thought about all the comments I have received, and I know others who adopt have also, about people who say, "I've thought about it, but...."  And this principle can be added to any calling God has on your life or tug He puts on your heart for any area of service or action He is calling you to.  So many times we don't do _________ (you fill in the blank) because we are afraid we will fail! As I was reading in Matthew 3, I came to verses 16 & 17 that say, "At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.'"

Now I know that verse having grown up in church! But I could have sworn that verse happened at the cross when Jesus had just given up everything, been beaten and died for us! But do you know where that verse is in his life? It's at his YES! It is when John the Baptist baptizes Jesus that God says he is well pleased! It's when Jesus answered the call on his life and stepped into obedience!  It was BEFORE any miracle he would perform. It was BEFORE any people he would speak to that shook social norms. Can I tell you how much that encourages me?! So many times over the last few months I have thought for sure God over estimated my abilities as I have juggled all that I know he has called me to.  I have felt like a failure in most of those areas time and time again even becoming angry with God for asking me to carry this load that was obviously too much for me to carry. (Let me insert here that I know that last statement is theologically inaccurate and a lie from the pit of hell! But it was how I "felt". Feelings are so fickle!) But when I read this verse, I was so excited that God was pleased with me just because I said YES when he called!  When he said to start an agency almost 11 years ago, I said yes even though I was scared and had no idea what I was doing.  He was pleased with my yes every time I missed the mark in that calling because I was learning by the school of hard knocks!  He was pleased with my YES when he asked us to birth and adopt each child that we now call ours even though there have been many days I did not represent Him well to those children.  He is pleased with us when we simply yield ourselves to His will....it's not our big actions and miracles that get this response, it is our obedience and yielded spirit to Him and what He is calling us to!

So if you are like me and have felt like you missed the mark, know that God is so pleased with your yes!  And if you are thinking about a call that God has placed on your life, but you are just not sure you have what it takes, go ahead and say YES! God isn't asking you to have all the answers! He is only asking you to have one answer....YES!

Did Mary wonder?

In my quite time this morning with the Lord, I found myself in Luke 2.  Kind of took me off guard...I mean we just read this chapter around Christmas, right?! But after verse 1, God was already downloading encouragement for some current situations I find myself in.

As I kept reading, I got to the part about no room in the inn.  Mary, the mother of Jesus for goodness sake, had to sleep in a stable! In keeping it real, can I just say if I was Mary, as the last Inn Keeper in Bethlehem revealed that he too was full and had no rooms for them, I would have more than likely stomped my foot and pointed my finger skyward at God and asked, "Really?! I am having YOUR Son, I have given up everything to do as You asked, and You can't even give me a room to sleep in? Do You not realize I am in labor and will most likely give birth to the Son of God in a stable?! Are You seriously not even going to give me a bed or a room to carry out what You have asked?!" I wish we knew if Mary had moments like that or not....but since we know Mary was a human (a very pregnant human I might add), I am assuming there were moments where she wondered.

As I read that and thought about some of my questions to God regarding some of my current circumstances, it brought me comfort to know that if Mary could birth the Son of God in a building meant to house animals, then I can push through some of the circumstances surrounding the things God has called me to do.  It brings a little more perspective to the areas of my life that just seem crazy. The areas where I am left wondering, "If God asked me to do this, why does it look like this?!" Mary's story gives me assurance that even when I find myself in a stable, I am in the center of God's will and call! Difficult circumstances are not an indicator of being on the wrong path, and neither are ideal circumstances an indicator of being on the right path.  In fact, I can testify that some of the most challenging of circumstances came when I was right in the middle of what I knew for a fact to be God's will!

So if you have been wondering why life looks like it does if God asked you to do this thing, can I encourage you this morning that if God can allow the woman He chose to birth His Son to do so in a stable, then maybe, just maybe He can ask you to do what you have been called to do in less than perfect conditions as well!

I Am Signficant

Any of you struggle with insignificance? Can I just tell you that is the number one weapon the enemy has used against me in just about every area of my life for my entire life! I had amazing parents, I was (and still am, by the way!) Daddy's little girl! By all accounts, I should not struggle with insignificance!  Can I tell you something else? The enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy us! He doesn't care what our past is, he only cares what will keep us out of the destiny God is calling us into!

Insignificance has plagued me as a teen who never thought she was good enough for the "in" crowd, to a young adult who was sure no man would ever want what she had to offer because she wasn't what men wanted in a wife.  And now as even a women sure and confident of her calling in life with the blessing of a job in that calling, I have been crippled by insignificance! God has given me dreams and visions for what Addy's Hope can be.  But immediately the enemy comes in with the thoughts, "you are the small agency! You can't do that!"  "You don't have the right degree, the right experience, the right __________ to do that! Just go back to your little corner and take your place among the insignificant people!" And so I would go, head down, tail between my legs, back to my corner all the time telling God why it is I am not enough or don't have enough to do what He has clearly said I should do.

Well, a couple of weeks ago something in me clicked.  I am really not sure what it was.  I don't really even know the exact moment it happened, but at some point the woman inside of me that knows who God made her to be stepped up to the microphone and told those other voices to Shut. Up.

In the last couple of weeks, I have taken steps toward the dreams and visions God has given me for the agency.  I have taken them scared in many cases!  But I have taken them! When I have heard God say, "go here" I have started walking.  He hasn't shown me the destination in most of these circumstances, but I have taken some steps, and I trust that He will show me the next step once this step has come to the end.

Can I tell you something else? I. Like.This. Woman!  I think I want her to stick around awhile!  She tells those voices that say she can't to bow to The Voice that says He made me to do it! Not only CAN I do it, but I WILL do it! When fear starts to creep in she says, "You are welcome to come along for the ride, but you Will. Not. stop me!" When I have taken a step and almost immediately been hit by a circumstance that threatens to knock me off that step into the abyss of doubt and confusion, God has been so faithful to whisper, "But what do I say? You operate in My kingdom!" And I find myself still walking...looking back at that corner I used to return to and realizing the walls have moved and that corner is getting further, and further, and further behind me!

I think there are so many women out there listening to the voices that are sending them back to the corner!  I believe God is doing a work in His daughters! He is calling us out of the corners and into the destiny He has called us to!  We live in a world full of hopeless circumstance, and inside of us, His precious daughters, are the answers to these problems and crisis! It's time we start believing the Truth He speaks about us over the lies we so easily believe! We are clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25)! We laugh without fear of the future! What do you say? Will you look for that woman in you that God made you to be? I think if you will stop the lies long enough to get to know her, you will really like her.....and she will stick around leading you into a strength, joy and peace you have never known!  If I can steal a line from a movie that dates me and may not show the best moral compass...It's time we get out of our corners, cause no one puts (insert your name) in a corner! Let's dance this final number with our God who wants to show up and show out with his daughters!! Whose with me?!

She has a home...

This morning I am preparing paperwork for my first teen placement.  And of course, the teen is a girl! I have had several people ask me if it has been hard to place a teenage girl in a home given our experience.  As always, let me be real...I thought it would be.  I worried about how I would walk a family through the process with my reality in the back of my mind.  Could I really ask a family to potentially walk the path that we did almost five years ago? But honestly, it has been exciting, and even therapeutic on some levels.  And on other levels, it has been tough!

First, let me say that placing a teenager in an adoptive home will never get old! This young lady is less than two years from entering the world without a family (what we call "aging out").  There is an estimated 20,000 (no, I didn't add too many 0's) youth who age out of foster care every year in our country.  If you look at statistics, you know that means 20,000 who are very likely to be homeless, in jail, have children who grow up in the system or all three! So knowing that God has given a family to one of those 20,000 and not allowed her to become a statistic! Praise Him! Truly, this is what I am called to do!

So if this is my calling, why didn't God let my experience look more like a Hallmark movie and less like it was? It would be so much easier to talk to families sharing how amazing it had been to adopt a teenager and provide an opportunity for a life she would not have otherwise had.  Somehow, I think more families would want to do it if I could share that story.  But my adoptive families got the real story.  They hear the hard truth of what bringing broken children into your home can do.  So why would I ask them to do that? Because God tells us to!

I have families ask me all the time if I would do it again.  My answer is yes..for many reasons! Mostly because just like this young lady who is being placed tomorrow, she has a home! My daughter will always have a family.  She is not an orphan.  And the most obvious reasons, my grand babies who are now my babies.  Had we not adopted our daughter we would not have been in a place legally to do what we did to provide safety for them at that time.

So as I get the paperwork ready to take to the placement of a 16 year old who will no longer be an orphan, I am more excited than I would ever have thought possible!  Of course the fact that by everyone's account who has worked with her she is an amazing young lady and this family is a super family helps ease any fears or apprehensions I might have! And I am excited for another teen story that I believe will have a happy ending.  And the moments of sadness that I have experienced during this placement as I watch another mother and daughter and hope for them what could have been (and hope will still be some day) for me and my daughter, I have replaced with gratefulness that I have the awesome privilege of walking this family through the days and weeks and months ahead! I am truly a blessed woman to have this job and call in my life!

If God brings them to mind, please pray for this young lady and family.  There will be transition as with any placement. And there will be hard days ahead as they all learn to live and love together as well as grieve what was lost in the past.  Its just part of this crazy journey we call adoption! But oh what an amazing journey it is!

Coffee with Mary

Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder.  As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary.  Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb.  That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the  humility, obedience and respect that I  pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy.  Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him.  Men bowed before him.  But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!

Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary.  But in a new way now.  I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant.  I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church.  I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy.  I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple.  And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.

This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked.  Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands.  Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it.  There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go.  And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do.  Life is hard because I said yes!

John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I sang it at many Christmas events and as a  Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light! 

" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process!  Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!

"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness?  As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands.  Did Mary feel this way?  Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?

"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"  That has been my heart's cry for weeks now!  God, truly you have over estimated me!  Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man!  Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands!  Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too?  At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited?  Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her.  I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt.  When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!

But I think I already know.  Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!"  When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place!  She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!

They didn't deserve it and neither do you...but love them anyway

So I am reading reports and evaluations on some kiddos today in hopes of one of my families being a great match as a forever family.  This is one of the hardest parts of my jobs.  I have to read all that these kids have suffered before, and often after, they came into the system we call child "protection".  One particular answer by one of the children has left me in a puddle of tears at my desk.  She is less than 10, and is asked why she came into care.  Her answer: "Because I lied about something."

Oh Jesus, how?  How do we do this to our children?  This precious child of God beleives in her heart that she is in a system that moves her every few months because of something she did!  I am sure worker after worker, and therapist after therapist have told her numerous times that she is in care because of nothing that she did!  But you see these kids are ripe for the enemy's taking!  Because of what the adults in their lives have done or chosen over them, they have a huge void that the enemy runs in and says "It's all your fault!"  They believe in the core of themselves that they are so horendous that no one could love them...not even their own mother or father.

But my tears don't stop for just her, although I could cry a river just on that alone.  My tears stream down my face for all of my friends who are loving these kids!  You see when these kids come into our homes, they are there not because of anything that is their own fault, but becuase of choices of others.  And because of those choices of others, these children behave in ways that can be very hurtful.  They don't know how to love.  They don't know how to trust.  They don't know how to receive love either.  They didn't deserve what these adults did to them...

And the ripple does not stop with these kids.  It now extends to foster and adoptive moms and dads and brothers and sisters who are trying with all that is within them to love this little girl!  Yet in return they get "I hate you!" or they get little jabs like "I love you but not as much as my real mom" or "you're not my family".  Oh friends, they don't mean it!  And even if on some level they do mean it, they don't understand what they are saying!  ...and you don't deserve what the decicions of these adults are not doing to you and your family as you once knew it!

Stay the course!  Do something to give yourself some oxygen!  But don't believe the lies the enemy has told these kids and now wants to scream at you too!  You may very well be the only Jesus they see!  You may be the only true, unconditional love they ever know.  So when they have ripped your heart out, torn it into a million pieces and thrown the pieces back in your face, will you gather those pieces up and take them to your Heavenly Father who sees and knows your pain.  Will you allow Him to mend your heart so that you can then help mend theirs?!  She believes she is in your home because she lied about something...and she believes as soon as she does something just bad enough to you, she will move again.  Hold on moms and dads!  Hold those wounded children and show them the love they may not even know they need.

And if you are not one of these moms or dads loving these children who are in or have been in our foster system, go find someone who is!  Take them a meal, but even better yet, do what you need to in order to give them a child free night just so they can breath again!  Yes, they need prayer, but they need so much more than just your prayers!  They need Jesus with skin on!

And if you are not one of these moms and dads, but God has been calling you into this crazy thing we call adoption, DO IT!  There is a girl who thinks she is in the system because she lied about something!  She needs you to teach her the Truth of God's unconditional and merciful love!  She needs that Truth not just to heal and survive the cruel world she has lived in for her short life, but she needs it to secure her eternity!  If not you, then who?

For Such a Time as This

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I have found myself once again in the middle of a battle with government and bureaucracy for the welfare of children.  Only this time, it's local!

It took almost two years to secure our contract with DFPS to place waiting children in adoptive homes.  When I first started the process, even the DFPS contract managers told me it would be a difficult and life-draining process.  They were right.  But we knew God had revealed to us the orphan crisis in our own backyard for us to make a difference....not to just walk away and pretend like we didn't know.  So I pressed on.  We placed our first waiting children in an adoptive home in December, and they finalized last month.  If all that work was done for just those two kids...it would be worth it...because every child deserves a home! But there are 13,000+ still waiting.

That's why when I was made aware of a sibling group of four kids who have had parent rights terminated for over a year with NOTHING done according to policy of CPS to try to find an adoptive home, I jumped to action.  Initially just because we had an adoptive home that was open to looking at the possibility of adopting them.  There is so much more to their story and the travesty of it, but that will have to be a post for another time! My efforts to find them a home were met with a huge brick wall!  Texas is undergoing a foster care redesign and evidently sometime between February when I was told adoption wasn't part of it and June when I am trying to find a home for children whom the system has failed for a year now, adoption became part of it.  The details are appalling and make it obvious that the issue is money and not welfare of children, but that too is a post for another day also.

I spent the better part of the next two days on the phone with officials trying to explain the issue that would severely limit the availability of adoptive homes for the 13,000+ children who are waiting.  On July 3, I found myself on a phone call with a foster care redesign attorney with DFPS and a couple of other people.  It became obvious that this was not going to be an issue easily fixed.  I was defeated.  I was left wondering where God was in all of it! I knew He had called me to this work with waiting children of Texas.  It's my passion, it's become the focus of my life's calling to care for the orphan.  But I truly didn't think I could fight not one more battle in the war for these kids.  I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent with the demands of that battle, the cases I still had to work with Addy's Hope, and the job to be wife to John and mom to 9.  I leaned over my kitchen counter and just sobbed!

"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul!  I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events.  What are you asking me to do now?  What more do you want from me?

I knew I had to have a break at the very least.  So I determined to not work for the 4th of July weekend and take that time to enjoy my family.  I spent most of that weekend trying to figure out how to shut Addy's Hope down.  I truly didn't know how I could continue to work passionately for children to keep hitting government bureaucracy that stood between them and forever families.  It was one thing to deal with that in a third world country half way around the world, but to once again be face to face with this monster in my own country, in my own state in a "civilized" society was more then I felt I could continue to battle. But come Monday morning, God was waiting for me when I got still and started my quiet time with Him.

I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37.  I had turned there that morning.  I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37.  As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away.  The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality.  He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him!  As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation!  He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned.  He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life.  He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation.  Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him.  He gave me a choice.

We always have a choice.  I know that.  We can choose life, or we can choose death.  We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin.  But this time was not like that.  This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision.  He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take.  He told me it would be hard,  it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it.  It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke.  It was truly a choice.  I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario.  God was telling me this is truly a choice.  However, there were some "buts" to that choice.  It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this.  It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place.  So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment.  It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for!  But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it.  Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?"  He assured me the battle would be won.  He had already declared it in the heavenlies.  However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle.  In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior.  Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible.  Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities!  And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath."  (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)

And with that, I had a decision to make.....

The "Daily" of Discipleship

I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that.  I am sure it’s a really good post, a really good concept.  But I haven’t had time to finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for the past few weeks.

Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post today either.  I am going to be really honest right here.  I wish I could turn back.  I wish I could go back to my American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children and the need for more to speak up.  I wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children.  I wish if I was going to have to work at something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.

On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and on fire.  In a week when I have now heard two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds.  But can none of that is happening tonight as I crawl in my bed.

 

Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which really matter right now.  So what now? Do I really quit?  Do I really give up?  Do I stop just before the victory? Can I really do this another day?

The answer is Yes, I can.  And the answer is, Yes, I will.  God promises His mercies are new every morning.  In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I am able to finally close my eyes at night.  Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable.  It means denying myself! It means taking up my cross... DAILY!

I did that today.  Did I do it with joy?  No, I can’t say that I did.  But that DAILY means that I had a choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls, inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I will have the same choice.

So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled with the cross I am carrying.  But if even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now.  But just like Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less, not my will but Yours be done!” 

**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :) 

A little of our story....

As we start a new season, we meet people who don't know our story.  As I was thinking about what took us from Liberia to waiting children right here in the US, I remembered that I had written a piece for our Addy's Show Playbill.  It tells a bit about the path that God put us on to get us here...and my heart about these children.  So here it is:

Welcome to the first ever Addy's Show! Thank you for coming and supporting Addy's Hope and our efforts to find homes for the waiting children of Texas. 

Four years ago John and I were asked to take a two year old little boy as a foster placement.  We asked to visit him before giving an answer on the placement. Walking out of the "emergency shelter" that housed 25 children ages 5 years old and younger right here in Midland, Texas, I was forever changed.  I had been in many orphanages in Africa, but had no idea there was one in my own backyard.  It was that visit that brought John and I to the realization of the orphan crisis right here in Texas! I soon learned that over 6,000 children were waiting in our foster system for adoptive families.  I then learned there were no adoption fees to adopt these children and most qualify for adoption subsidies that will continue until their 18th birthday. They receive free college tuition to any state school in Texas and have medicaid coverage for medical expenses even after the adoption is finalized.  We knew we could not take this information and simply walk away from it.  Once made aware of an injustice, you can no longer plead ignorance as reason to ignore the crisis.  John and I answered the crisis by adopting a waiting child personally and also by making a commitment to work with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services to recruit and train families to bring God's orphans home!

James 1 says that we are to be "doers" and not merely "hearers" of the Word.  Please do not leave here as a man who looks in a mirror and walks away forgetting what he saw.  These children need you! Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone can do something!  Help us spread the word about the crisis of these children in our social welfare system.  Read the statistics in the halls between their pictures.  We have to stop this cycle now.  The future of our nation hinges on us getting these children into families and changing their destination.  We need financial supporters to help us keep our program running since families do not pay adoption fees, and the fees paid by the state do not cover the hours it takes to train and support a family through an entire adoption process and beyond.  You can also be a team member for a family who is adopting.  Team members provide meals, babysit, clean a house or just listen when parents need an empathetic ear.  There is some way that every one can be a part of finding families for these children!  We truly believe there are no unwanted children, only unfound families.  We need your help finding homes for these children!  

The children you have met tonight in the pages you are holding and in the halls as you walked into the theater need you.  Please consider how you can help.  If you would like more information on how to adopt one of these children, call me at 432.897.1503 or send me an e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com.  Together, we can empty the foster system of these waiting children and answer God's call to bring His children home!  

I would like to personally thank all of our sponsors! Without you, this would still be only a dream!  The playbill you hold as well as all the amazing publications for tonight were the work of the amazingly talented Rachel Austin and Eric Huecker! Rachel & Eric, your support of our work and your heart for these children blesses me and spurs me on in the work that I do! Thank you!  Holly Bartlett, thank you for stuffing and mailing countless support letters to help make tonight as successful as possible!  Skip Ziegler, your knowledge and love of technology has made Addy's Show high tech tonight.  Thank you for using your talents for God's children.  Katie Bailey, we did it!  Thank you for having this vision and putting in the work it took to make it a reality! I am forever grateful for all you have done for Addy's Hope.  And to our amazing cast, there are no words to express my gratitude for the countless hours you have spent in preparation! I pray God's blessing on you and your families for the sacrifices made to make tonight possible! You have played a part in every child that finds a home from the fires that are sparked tonight! To my children, Paizley, Callie, Noah, Toben, Ava, Madison & Journey, thank you for letting me tell your stories! Thank you for loving being the "weird" family as much as I do!  I love you to the moon and back! John, thank you for taking this journey with me! Thank you for supporting our family so I can chase my calling! Thank you for saying "yes" to God and getting the ball rolling for Addy's Hope nine years ago when I still thought it was impossible!  Thank you for wiping the tears I cry for the children I serve and always reminding me why we do this thing we do.  I love you!  And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting me with the call of Your children.  I pray tonight has been pleasing to You, and I ask that you leave the faces of these children imprinted on those You have brought here tonight until they all have homes!

Saying Yes

I really should be getting on the road as I return home to my family today, but I know the opportunity to share my experience this weekend and most recently this morning will escape me once the business of life takes over.  And I hope this story will encourage any of you who may be standing on the edge of a call and are trying to decide if you want to take that step of faith or turn around and run a different direction.

I came to our friends house this weekend to write the book on spiritual warfare in adoption.  When I left home Friday, there was really no question of "if" I would write it.  God has told me to, and my very act of making the time and arrangements and getting away this weekend was out of obedience to what God told me to do.  Period.

But once I started writing, the reason for the location so far from home and the time away became clear!  I spent most of yesterday in tears.  As I would write, the voices would taunt me with how controversial this topic will be.  I thought back to my years working in Liberia where I stood for ethics and would not pay bribes or work in shady ways to bring children home.  My reputation, my character, my ministry, my family, my sanity...it was all drug through the mud in that season of life.  Not exactly a place I want to return.  This past season has been a difficult one, but at lease it was a private season of refining.  We got to pick and choose who was in the know about our battles.  Liberia was not just out there, but even in the media at one point! The flashbacks made me reconsider writing the book. I found myself deleting entire lines and trying to rewrite them in a more politically correct or potentially less controversial way.

For a few hours, I really couldn't figure out what was happening.  At first I thought it was just the emotion of reliving part of the past few years, but I really didn't think that was eliciting the emotions I was feeling.  I wondered if this is what they call "writer's block".  But I finally realized what this weekend was about!  Yes, I was able to make progress on the book. I have written parts of five different chapters and over 6,000 words this weekend.  But this was not just about writing, it was about solidifying my acceptance of the task God has asked me to complete. It was about God seeking an answer from me about the task and me accepting the task knowing exactly what it could mean.  It was me saying YES in spite of all that could be on the path.  Ironically, it was me doing with this book what I am writing about families doing in their adoption journey!  Gotta love God's sense of humor!

At one point, Saturday afternoon, I started to delete all I had written and go home.  I was done and didn't want to continue writing or even consider making a finished product that would be published for others to read and scrutinize.  But on the way up here, I listened to a podcast about Christian writing.  One of the things that the podcast talked about was the reason for you to write.  One of those reasons was to change the world.  Now, I don't think my book will change the world, but my motivation for writing is that adoptive families need this information and it is not out there right now.

I have amazing prayer warriors as friends.  Twice on Saturday when I didn't think I could continue, I received text messages at just the right time encouraging me in what I am doing.  Those friends were the voices that silenced the other voices telling me to quit.

 This morning I went for a walk.  This is the path I was walking on

 I love going for walks as I walk and talk to God.  Not usually out loud but sometimes I even talk out loud!  I have always been able to hear God better and just feel closer to Him out in nature.  But this path wasn't all that inspiring, honestly.  Then I turned a corner and looked up....

This is what I saw!  It was as if God said, "walk into my sanctuary and sit a minute!" I walked under that tree into the grassy area just past the fence and a cool breeze blew as if the breath of God had just blown over me. I probably should have removed my sneakers.  That was how holy this ground felt as I walked into it!  I looked up and there was this rock - and God said, "Sit awhile."

I looked up and this was my view - the cool breeze still hanging around me.

 I don't know that I have ever felt the tangible presence of God in my life as I did in that moment.  I wasn't sure what to do.  Talking didn't seem appropriate.  I was afraid if I just sat, my mind would wonder and I would lose the moment.  So I did what I thought I should do in the presence of God, I wanted to sing a praise song.  I started to sing and the song that came to mind was from way back ...O God, You are my God, and I will ever praise you!  O God You are my God and I will ever praise You!  I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways..O God you are my God and I will ever praise You!  As I sang, God brought to mind the thoughts I had faced this weekend about the book.  He told me to look at the covering of the trees in this place, to feel the cool air. This path is learning to walk in His ways.  I know God gave me this moment to cling to if battles come over the content of the book.  He reminded me that He promises to be my protector, that He hides me in the shadow of His wings just like I was hidden in this place in the middle of dead grass and cleared land for new construction.  He reminded me that just last night John called me to tell me about a letter we received in the mail that ended a month long battle over a totally different issue but that had the potential to completely alter my life.  But God has promised me on that journey to be my protector and defender as well.  The timing of that letter is not lost on me.  He reminded me that when I get still, He will meet me.  He reminded me that obedience rarely happens without sacrifice on some level.  He asked me for a commitment to see this project through but reminded me with my commitment to see it through came His promise to never leave me or forsake me.

We serve a faithful, personal God!  I don't know what if any trials will come because of this book.  I know I now have specific prays for my prayer warriors about not just my writing of this book but about the reception of and the impact on the audience I am writing for.  But God so tenderly reminded me this morning that the outcome of the book is His to determine.  It's His job!  My job is simply to write the book in obedience.  My job is to say Yes to His call!

11 years ago today...In the Beginning Part 2

For those who were not happy about my "to be continued" to In the Beginning, I am sorry!  I didn't intend to make you wait this long, but time just isn't my friend in this season, so this morning was my first time to really have time to sit down and finish the story!  And what a perfect day to finish it as it happened 11 years ago today!

Eleven years ago today I would hear words that would change my life forever!  It is one of the few snap shot memories I have in my life, but I can picture the room and see everything in it like it was yesterday.  We had just finished leading the youth and had our car loaded up ready to head back home to Odessa to spend the week with my parents before we jumped on a plane for a week long vacation on the beach between Galveston and Houston.  This was a vacation we had planned back in November.  This is a crucial detail of God's timing and sovereignty that even 11 years later makes me smile!  Debbie, my friend I described in part 1, always kept Callie while we did youth events.  It was her service to us.  It was a huge blessing and became a huge lesson in my life of how to allow others to serve you as you serve in your role or capacity.  I had protested at first when she offered because it was too big of an inconvenience.  She finally sat me down one day and explained that I was keeping her from a blessing by not allowing her to do what God asked of her to help us in our ministry.  She didn't say it, but God did...pride was keeping me from accepting her help.  That lesson has been invaluable to me in the years since.  Especially now when life is so chaotic that at times I would not make it without the assistance of my amazing friends who step in to watch a child while I go to a meeting or while John and I escape for a weekend!  Back to the story.....

We were done with youth and were picking up Callie from Debbie's in order to jump in the car and leave for our three week vacation.  When I walked in, Debbie was sitting in her rocking chair rocking Callie.  She smiled at me and asked, "how is the adoption going?" My response was less than energetic!  I explained my frustration with such a strong feeling that we needed to do something but at the same time having no direction.  She smiled and spoke words that would change my life forever! She said, "I know of a little black boy who is due July 21 and needs a family!"  I just laughed.  It was the only response I had.  Then John walked into the room. I asked Debbie to tell John what she just told me to which she declined!  Debbie was a teacher, and John was her principal. Debbie knew John wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of adopting right now.  She wasn't going to be the one to deliver the news!  It still makes me laugh thinking about her response!  But we did fill John in on the secret and he just kind of shook his head.

We got in the car and headed out for the little over two hour drive to my parents.  On the way there, we talked about the possibility.  We really didn't have much information.  We decided we wanted to find out more and agreed that it would be good to talk to Debbie's sister who was the person who told Debbie about the baby.  Debbie's sister worked at a mission.  Noah's mom was going to the mission for services.  When we look back over the story, we both marvel at the fact that calling Debbie's sister is the only conscious decision we made.  Everything else just "happened" as we walked in obedience taking one step after another until we were walking out of a hospital with a beautiful baby boy!

We discovered from Debbie's sister that the baby had been exposed to drugs throughout the entire pregnancy.  She also shared that the birth father was unknown for sure.  There were several possibilities, but the mother was pretty sure the father was African American.  However as we learned more about the story, we knew there as no way she knew who the father was.  That was even more evident when Noah was born!  We also learned that the birth mother was bi-racial.  Her mother was Caucasian and her father was African American.  If the father was also African American, we knew we would be introducing our families to their first member with dark skin!  We didn't figure they would be thrilled about this idea.

I don't remember having lots of doubts.  We prayed about every step!  We didn't tell my parents because I knew it would be a battle with lots of questions and frustrations on both sides.  I wanted to avoid that if it turned out the situation didn't work out.  We were told there was possibly one other family considering adopting the baby.  It was not a for sure thing.....as we all know no adoption is, but this was our first experience and we were very naive about a lot of it!  We would find an excuse to leave the house and make phone calls to the mission director to gain a little more information.  During these conversations we learned that she was hesitant let a white family adopt her baby. Her mother had raised her, but according to what we had been told, she didn't feel like her mother had accepted her African American side.  She was afraid a white family would do the same for her baby.  I have to say that made me really angry.  Here was a woman who was doing drugs while she was pregnant, and she didn't know if I was good enough to be a mother to her baby because I was white?!  Don't worry, before this story ends, God would get a hold of me for my arrogance!  We spent that week trying to discover what we needed to do in order to pursue the adoption of this baby.  We talked to an attorney who explained the process of a private adoption to us.

As God would have it, we were set to fly into an airport that following Friday that was only an hours drive from the birth mother's town.  The mission director agreed to drive her to us, and we made arrangements to meet for dinner.  With what we had heard throughout the week, I was very nervous to meet her.  In fact, I told John, "I am not going to say much or we will never adopt this baby!" I was really angry about some of the things I had heard.  I didn't want that anger at the birth mom to come across as we talked.  We walked into Olive Garden.  We found the mission director who said the birth mom was in the bathroom.  When she walked out, my heart sank.  She was beautiful, but the effects of her difficult life were all over her face.  She was a small woman with a precious baby belly!  A belly carrying what was possibly my son.  But when I introduced myself to her and shook her hand, it was shaking.  This young woman was scared to death. Immediately all my judgement of her washed away!  Before me stood a woman who was in a place in life I could not even imagine standing.  Yes, some of it was because of her own choices, but those choices were made primarily because of the life she had lived as the child of a drug addict living on the streets.  God would speak to me then and many more times throughout the evening about my view of this situation.  He kept reminding me that I looked at all this very differently through my middle class raised, educated eyes.  If I had lived her life, I would see things in a much different way....they way she was seeing them.  And then the lesson that has repeated itself through all my ministry, but by the grace of God would it be me in her shoes too!  I did nothing to deserve being born into a middle class, Christian family who loved me and provided me with all the opportunities I could possibly want!  We all sat down and began with awkward small talk.  But over the course of the next two hours, we would learn much about her life.  This was her 6th pregnancy and she was only 26.  She had placed two others for adoption, but the other babies were not so lucky.  She had 3 abortions.  We would later learn that she had planned to abort this baby as well, but her mother had just accepted Christ and talked her out of it. My gratitude for that can't be put into words! After a couple of hours, John just came out and said, "We would really like to adopt your baby if you are ok with that."  She agreed that after meeting us, she felt we were the right family for her baby boy.  She also shared that she had dropped and was beginning to have contractions.  This put us in a pretty weird place!  If she delivered the baby that week, we would get off the plane when my parents picked me up with one more child than we had left with!  And they knew nothing about any of this at this point.


I made a decision to call them and let them know all that was happening......


More to come!  I promise before long! 

Losing Perspective: The Bigger Picture

Since we entered the world of adoption 10 years ago, it has taken me to many hard places. But even through all the hard places, I never lost my heart for the orphan...until recently.

I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was a culmination of all that happened in Liberia, the accusations and insults of adoptive parents, bringing a teenager into our home, other personal struggles with Go or if it is just the refining fire of God in my life. Whatever the reason, over the past year I can see where the fire in me that has burned for the orphan and the people desiring to care for them has been snuffed out. I have lost the desire to really work for families or children. I have refused my calling. I know it is my choice because Romans 11:29 says, "the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable". He hasn't taken anything from me, but I have chosen to walk away!

Even before we started Addy's Hope five and a half years ago, I "worked" for a different adoption agency talking to people about adoption and even doing a couple of seminars on adoption. I say "worked" because it was a voluntary position! But I LOVED it! At that time Noah's adoption was the only personal story I had, but it was enough. My heart was on fire for orphans, and I was realizing the calling God has placed on my life for orphans and families wanting to care for them. It was so exciting! I felt like I could conquer any obstacle. I had faith that could move mountains....then Liberia happened.

I still don't understand that four years. I celebrate the children who came home, but my heart will always grieve those who didn't make it. My heart will always hurt with the families who had to give up hope (some still hold on and they are my heroes!) as we did for Eden. Even those families who don't understand why I would not stoop to illegal measure or dance with the devil to get children home, I hurt even for them. No matter who you are, when you love a child that remains half way around the world, I can relate!

I don't understand what happened. I don't understand why mine as well as hundreds of other's prayers were not answered in the events of Liberia. I don't understand why my faith and my trust and my belief didn't prevail! That time of my life when I was meeting with the Vice President, many government officials as well as legislatures in Liberia seems like a life time away! Somewhere over the past 18 months, that woman who fought those battles and believed she could conquer any obstacle if God was on her side left the building! She let doubt, disbelief and the lies of the enemy creep in and steal away her heart for the children and the families loving them. Her heart became hard. Her wounds over took her. I miss her!

I've said to John many times over the past few months, "I miss who I used to be." I wasn't sure how to get me back! I have never stopped spending daily time in the word. I have not stopped praying or asking God to restore me. Yet despite these disciplines, it has been a dark night of the soul. God hasn't spoken much. When He has, I have hung on it with my every ounce of being...but then the silence again, and the dark cloud would move in once again.

I know some of this is spiritual. I know that when I walk closely with God and have visions and dreams for furthering His Kingdom, the enemy will stop at nothing to stop me (or you!). But I also know that there are times that God is silent to require us to press in closer. I also know that whatever "causes" these dark times, God will is near. He has not left me.

I am reminded of that this morning! A dream of mine since we started Addy's' Hope was to be able to walk with other Christians as they pursue adoption. At the time we started Addy's Hope, we were at a church that really didn't welcome that. But God has placed us at a new church these past couple of years that has a heart for adoption! I don't know what my role will be in that, but I am ready and waiting for whatever it is! For right now, it is teaching a class created by Hope for Orphans called "If You Were Mine". It is an introduction for people considering adoption. I was reviewing it this morning preparing for the first session on Sunday. I have been waiting for the fire to come back. I knew God told me to offer to lead the class as I am tired of sitting in a pew and know that adoption and orphan ministry is one area I can lead in at a church. But I did it out of obedience not necessarily out of a desire to lead a class on adoption. In fact, in our current adoption experience, I find it hard to encourage people to adopt.

But as I listened to the video for the first session this morning, I felt some embers burn again! Praise God! I was reminded why I believe in adoption. It is not because it is worth it in a worldly way. I mean, who would intentionally cause themselves heartache, increase chances of rejection, put increased financial burdens, commit to emotional overload and exhausting just for fun? Not many! But I was reminded today that adoption is the bigger picture! Taking these children into our home is the gospel brought to reality and flesh for a dying world. When I take in a child who has nothing to offer me but rejection and despair, I am doing exactly what Jesus did for me when He went to the cross knowing I would complain and moan about my calling! But here's the thing. Because adoption is a bigger picture, it is literally beyond myself! I cannot love these children, especially the ones from hard places, without the love of Christ in me first. It requires my total surrender to Him to love them. My love is a selfish, very conditional, very limited love. That is all the love the world has to offer. Sadly, that is the realm I have been operating in for the most part the past few months. But I was reminded this morning that the love of Christ, the love that lives in me and I have full access to love my children through is a self-less, unconditional, limitless love! It can give even when not being received. The video reminded me of the truths of adoption! Mine (spiritually) and my children's (physically)! It amazes me how easily my perspective shifted. It amazes me how quickly the fire went out with just a couple of lies from the enemy that I then allowed to put out the fire burning in me for orphans and families. I'm ready to ignite those fires again! I'm ready to walk in all that God has for me and my family. I'm ready to be an example of the gospel again and love these children in a way that shows them Jesus! And I'm ready to stand before a group of people at the beginning of the adoption journey and tell them, "You can do it! It's worth it!" - and MEAN it!

Thank You, God for fanning the flames this morning! Thank you for the truths that were spoken that reminded me of why I do this crazy thing I do! Thank you for reminding me that The Church is the answer to a fallen world. Without the fall, there would be no orphans! But there was a fall, there are orphans, and The Church has to be the answer...and in being the answer, we will point a dying and hopeless world to YOU! Thank you for never leaving me and never giving up on me even when I give up on You! Now help me love these six children who have come in fifty times just while trying to write this blog! :)

Faith is Radical

As we work to continue to mold our world with that of our sweet Isabella, I realize just how radical our faith is. Even for Callie, I realize how much the world has already influenced her thoughts and ideas of standards for living. Mainly we are dealing with clothing and appropriate attire right now. Don't have an issue with Callie's dress yet, but as we talk about the why's and the boundaries that will be in place, the arguments that come out of both of their mouths break my heart!

But I am finding that God is just using that to reveal to me how radical faith of any kind is these days. And also to show me how much I am influenced by the thoughts and patterns of the world. John and I have a major decision to make in the weeks coming up. It is a radical decision. The answer should seem obvious, and I know for many who we would ask, it would be. In fact, at one time, we were giving the same answer. But as clear as day, I know God picked me up from walking in that answer and turned me completely around. He made it clear we had not consulted Him on our decision. The new answer is radical! It is not logical! It is crazy! It will take faith! Nothing in sight says it makes sense! Yet, if we were not to change from the path we were going to the new, radical path, why would He have stopped us? Wouldn't He have left well enough alone?

Because of the funk I have talked about so much lately, over the past few months, when God has spoken directly to me or I felt a nudge of the Holy Spirit, I wrote it down. Word for word as best I could what God was trying to show me or reveal to me. I have been reviewing all these notes over the past couple of days. Things that seem so clear in that moment of revelation become so clouded when I walk out into the world called my life as mom of 6 with one on the way. But here is the deal, the only thing keeping us from moving head long in one direction is HUMAN limitation! That's it. We look at a situation that God has put before us and John and I both say, there is NO way! John is still unsure, but I am almost certain God is saying, "this is My way, walk in it!" I am totally ready to lay that down if my husband tells me that God has told him no or that is not the direction he, John, feels we need to go. It will be hard, not because letting go of the situation will be tough (although that has its own heart strings too), but because it will leave me once again in a crisis of faith with God. If I am walking down a path and am at peace and content with that decision, why in the world would You, God, turn it all upside down just to turn me back around and continue to walk in the original direction? There will be some serious crying out to God if it turns out we end up not walking down this path. But let me add here how grateful am I am to be a woman at times like this! I know my place. Regardless of what I think God is telling me, the buck doesn't stop with me! I am protected under the covering and the leadership of my husband. Does that mean I will agree with him? Maybe not in the beginning. Does that mean I will not have to struggle through some things with God and maybe even John over the outcome? No. But it does mean that I can present what God has said to me to John then sit back and let him make the decision. My job at that point is to pray for John and ask God to impart His wisdom to John so that John can make the right decision. But the burden of that decision does not fall on my shoulders, and that is a blessing. Makes me thankful and makes me realize the importance of bringing my man before God on a daily if not hourly basis since these burdens do rest on his shoulders for our family!

In light of this situation, Mary is my hero right now! I read about her visit with Elizabeth. I'm sure this especially speaks to me right now since I am carrying a little blessing myself - one God brought to us because we certainly were not planning him/her! I've not been called baron or beyond child bearing years as Elizabeth was (although I have felt like that at times with my 'advance maternal age' and all!), and this was not an immaculate conception. But sparing you all the intimate details, lets just leave it at this baby is God ordained! I've never had direct Words from God spoken over me in my life. I've never had anyone come up to me and say, "God told me _____ for you or a situation."....that is until this pregnancy! So in some ways, I very much relate to these two women! They both were carrying children who had been spoken over as vital in the kingdom of God. They both knew that the radical beginnings of the lives in side of them were just that - the radical beginnings of radical lives for their two sons! Elizabeth's words to Mary are so encouraging to me right now in Luke 1! When Mary spoke to Elizabeth, John lept in her womb! How cool is that? Even in the womb, John the Baptist knew the Messiah had entered the room! I love it! Elizabeth encourages Mary by telling her that she is blessed because she has believed that what God has told her will happen and is true! Oh how I want to be like Mary! The words spoken over our baby are not that unbelievable compared to Mary. Let's see....Mary's baby was conceived through immaculate conception! You could just stop there and call Mary a hero for believing she is pregnant! Goodness knows I've had a hard time grasping the fact that I'm pregnant and I've done the deed to get that way, am now feeling movement and had many more symptoms to make it register! But Mary believed the moment she was told. I would like to think if an angel had come to tell me and not a stick with a line, I would have grasped it sooner also, but I'm not so sure I would have! God had spoken this baby's existence over me several months before I got pregnant, but I still didn't believe when I got pregnant.

But Mary, in her absolutely crazy circumstances, doesn't stop with belief! Luke 1:46-55 is Mary's blog post of Bible times about the goodness and wonder of God! She isn't wallowing in self-pity that God would place this burden on her or call her to such a high thing! Let's think about it: she is a pregnant virgin with the Savior of the world! How believable is that? Think of going to your mother, your father, your fiance and explaining that one! Really?! It has cost her friends and family. It brought undeserved shame and embarrassment. Yet she says, "My soul exalts in the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior!" Oh to be like Mary!

God make me not only believe what You are asking of us right now, but let me rejoice in being the one You have asked! Get my eyes off myself and the world and onto You and Your kingdom! Give me a bigger perspective that allows me to rejoice in the things you have called me to in this world! Yes, I have reward in heaven, but help me to see the rewards right here!

Gifts for Service

Each of you has been blessed with one of God's many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well. 1 Peter 4:10 CEV

God took me to this verse last night. It was one of those times He has me pick up a book that I haven't picked up in awhile and read something only to find a verse that hit exactly where I am struggling! Love it when He does that! Reminds me how personal He is and that He cares about me - and you - as an individual and not just one of his ants in the army!

While this verse is encouraging, it is also very challenging for me these days...which is why I was seeking God in the first place!

You see, I am in one of those places where I know the direction God has given. I really have not doubt. I can say I need to pray more, but it would just be an excuse to procrastinate on obedience! I know God is telling me to get busy on the agency. He is telling me to get the policies written for the domestic program to start. Every time I start questioning whether I need to do that right now, He brings another friend struggling to adopt through the system or another situation where I know we could help if we had our license. I wrestle with God saying now can't be the time! I have 6 kids and am expecting number 7! I have NEVER done the working mom thing very well as I refuse to put my kids in day care. Just a personal conviction, I pass no judgement here! In fact, sometimes I admire people who do that and are devoted to their job! But then I admire the moms who have nothing to distract them from mommy duties like baking cookies or playing board games! I am finding that I am an all or nothing type person. That doesn't work very well for a working-stay-at-home-mother! I don't do well with schedules. I've never been organized, just an organized-want-a-be. I don't do well with boundaries, especially where people are concerned. I'm not a very good self-starter. And to top it all off, I feel totally inadequate to run an agency.

Those don't make for a very good executive director! But this scripture reminds me that God has gifted me! When I read it last night, it was as if He was speaking to me in an audible voice! "HollyAnn, I have giving you gifts. You have knowledge that can be of service to others as they walk the path of adoption I am calling them to. I didn't give you these gifts to puff you up, make you rich or famous, but I gave them to you so that you can serve my people as they answer me and walk in obedience." That got me excited! Too bad it happened at 10 when I knew I needed to go to bed!

However, it carried over to this morning! It's time to quit belly-aching about what God is asking me to do and time to walk in obedience! Time to quit comparing myself to those around me as God has a different calling for them than He does me...that's how THE BODY works! If we were all a big toe, The Body would be really crippled and non-functioning! Time to put he self-doubt behind me. Time to let this scripture move me to action!

Lately, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. This pregnancy is kicking my tail! I am now in my second trimester which is supposed to be the best, right?! WRONG! As soon as the second trimester came, the nausea double, the fatigue tripled and my blood pressure shot up! After multiple trips to the doctor and several reminders of my "advanced maternal age" - ughhhh - I think we have these things under control. If I cross your mind, would you pray for my physical health. It is really hard to get motivated to do anything when you are so nauseous that moving makes you think you will throw up! Then I get frustrated, then depressed and it just seems to be one big cycle! I wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack. I don't want to look for a demon under every rock as the saying goes, but I also know how much the enemy has to lose if I get my act together and have and agency ready to think outside the box to serve families and children to bring them together for His kingdom work. I must do battle! I must put on my armor and fight to do more than just stay alive....I must cling to scriptures like 1 Peter 4:10 and Ephesians 3:20-21 and fight back with the enemy so that he knows whose boss!

So for today, I will set a schedule that will allow me to work! There will be set times that will be dedicated to the agency. Even if that means evenings when John is home or the Fridays that he is off, God will show the way!

I would covet your prayers! This is totally out of my comfort zone! The last time I worked the agency part-full time we only had four children. We closed the orphanage right after Madison came. Mothering 6, carrying one, and trying to build a program brings all new challenges, but God has called, so God will equip! He has proven Himself faithful in that area to me time and again, so I should not doubt He will do it again! I just have to get back in the saddle and ride! Yee-Haw! :)

Equipping the Called

I am in Austin, Texas for the Together for Adoption Conference. I have spent the day with Dr. Karyn Purvis, and I am here to tell you there is NOOOOOOO child who has been wounded toooooo deeply to be healed if we turn over enough rocks to find the tools...and with the power of the Holy Spirit! Can I tell you how my Spirit rejoiced when I heard a professional doctor say that! So many thing she said made common sense, why are more not saying it??!!! We need people studying under her to carry on this type of thinking in professional settings! I learned so much that I can't wait to get home and try on my own children, as well as so many things that have equipped me to better equip adoptive parents!

As I have thought about what I do and how people ask me all the time how I do it, this trip to Austin has brought back a memory that I think I just have to share. It is a humbling story. But speaks to the Truth that God will equip you to what He calls you to do! Being pre-equipped is not a pre-requisite. Let me explain!

Nearly six years ago, we lost Addy. God immediately called us to what has now become Addy's Hope. The ministry was birthed in a laundry room at a condo where we were staying the week in San Antonio, Texas. In the weeks to follow John and my laundry room conversation, God would throw doors open so we just kept walking through them. We did not have the slightest clue about how to run an adoption agency, a non-profit or a business. But we heard the voice of God, so we walked in obedience.

One of those steps was to go to Austin in order to attend an informational meeting in order to be licensed as a child placing agency. I was going to fly to Austin, meet two friends who were also working on getting a license, and fly home. I was terrified! I was a stay at home mom! I had no idea how to be in the "professional" world! Before being a stay at home mom, I was a teacher. That's just a little bit up the ladder, right? I mean few think of teachers as "real" professionals! Now I was going to be meeting with "big wigs" to see about becoming licensed. I got on line, looked up flights, called in, made my reservation, figured out how I was going to get to the meeting place, etc, etc. I layed down in bed that night sooooo proud of myself! I looked at John and said, "I did it!!! I made all the arrangements and I will arrive in Houston in enough time to get to the meeting." I sat straight up in the bed and threw my hand over my mouth! Got up and checked my reservation....sure enough! I had made my plane reservation for Houston and not Austin!!!! What little confidence I had mustered to start this journey was quickly depleted! But that would just be the first of M-A-N-Y episodes that God has used over the past 6 years to keep me humble in this journey! He reminds me that I need Him at every turn!

And today, that meant at every turn around too! On my way from the hotel to the church, I lost count of h ow many u-turns I did! I even called John to tell him that he would be laughing at me if he were here! Last night I did manage to make it to Austin by myself (at least I got the right city this time!), but the trip did include two u-turns and one small trip the wrong way down a one-way-road!

So if you are feeling called to something that you know you don't have the skill set to do right now, take that step of faith anyway! He will equip you! I am living proof of that!

Can't wait for the conference tomorrow! Down to download my brain of what I learned today to make room for tomorrow!

Not a moment late...

God was not a moment late...the one time that I would have preferred him to delay His response, He is right on time. Wouldn't ya know it?!

When we turned the orphanage over to Lifesong, I had no idea what the future of Addy's Hope or my work in adoption would look like. I knew my family had suffered greatly over the past three years and I needed to get my focus back on my family and make sure my priorities were in check with God's word.

God kept saying, take the summer off. So I did. I would try to think of what I needed to do for the future of Addy's Hope or adoption work, but God would shut down all thoughts with, "not until summer is over do I even want you asking me what you need to do." So I didn't. I spent the summer in my home with my children. I LOVED it! I am a stay at home mom through and through! I spent time doing things I hadn't done in a long time! I got some things in my home organized and running a bit more smoothly and was looking forward to doing more of that with three of five in school.

Well, God said take the summer, and he meant it! Not a moment more! On Monday, I received a call from a couple in our church who had just accepted the referral of a sibling group and needed a homestudy done right away. Then I got a call from another family that had been talking about adoption, but were ready to start the process...homestudy number two on the calendar. As the week has progressed, it has become even crazier! I have talked to two other families about adoption and praying through what they should do. At one point yesterday, I had two ladies in my dining room, one dropping off papers for a home study and the other sharing her struggle with God asking her to adopt again. At the same time both my cell phone and home phone were ringing. Although I didn't answer the phones at that moment, when I checked messages, it turned out those calls were about adoption also!

He was serious about taking the summer! And He has left no question as to what I need to do! God is doing something HUGE in our church as all but one of the situations I have mentioned are people from our church. I am so excited, I can hardly contain it! This is what I have dreamed of being part of since we adopted Noah nine years ago and I knew in my hear that God was going to use the Body of Christ to end the orphan epidemic all over the world and at the same time use the adoption of children to show the world His unconditional love!

I am struggling with balancing home and work...my biggest challenge since we started Addy's Hope. I have learned I am an all or nothing person. It is very hard for me to split my attention, time, energy, thoughts between two things. I am having to really rely on God to show me what to do each day and make sure I don't get priorities our of whack!

BUT - I am so blessed to be part of whatever it is God is doing! And I LOVE that no one can take credit for this movement because no one has gotten together and talked about it! It is just individual couples and people hearing God talk to them about adoption and then seeking out wisdom and information to walk in obedience! It is all God! How exciting is that?

I got an e-mail last night and two of the ladies are going to go with me to the Together for Adoption Conference! Can't wait! God is moving in a mighty way on behalf of His children and I am just blessed to be hanging on for the ride!

The Journey: For Jo

I want to respond to a comment I got on my last post about Little Guy...Jo, I did publish your comment, even though you could not be further from the truth...and I will explain why!
Hollyann,

I usually enjoy your posts and this is my transparent response - (we can be transparent too right?LOL).

No seriously, taking the last two posts together, it seems to me you rejected this little boy because: (a) your mom wouldn't like his braids; and (c) because his skin color wasn't your preference. In fact, after these two factors became apparent, your "heart was shut immediately." That's about as shallow as one can be. Wow.

I know you will either not post this or chalk it up to just another person attacking you. Or someone who doesn't really know you (even though the words are for the world to read). I'm sorry if that is usually the case. But this time, your last two posts are offensive. But, hey, its "transparent", so that makes everything just fine and unchallengable!

ugh.

Jo

First let me address why you concluded that I 'rejected' this little boy. If you will scan down my posts, you will see pictures of all five of my children. I'm not sure where you can say that I would turn a child away because of skin color. I have children of all shades. And have desired that since I was a child. But since you don't really know me, you wouldn't know that. And for the braids, yes, that would have been a challenge with my parents. And in fact, that concern is one of the least shallow things I could think. You see, once again because you don't know me, what you don't know is that my parents have been against all of our adoptions. They don't totally understand why we do what we do. They have come to respect it over the years, but even with the decision to take on another child, they had real concerns and were pretty well against it. Why I say it is not shallow to think of that is because when we have family pictures later this year, that little boy will be in them. That means that whatever child I bring into my home will be in the family portrait that my parents hang on their wall. When we adopted Noah, I didn't consider that. I very arrogantly told my parents about our decision to adopt Noah and pretty well just told them to accept it because we were adults and they couldn't stop us from doing it. That was shallow. But in the adoption journeys since then, I have come to realize that what we do does affect them. Will I ever choose pleasing my parents over walking in obedience to God, I pray I won't! But ultimately, considering that is not shallow and the feelings of fear about having to deal with their feelings about the braids, well those are real. I can deny them and pretend to be perfect, but that doesn't help me or the number of people reading my blog who have thanked me for my transparency in my decisions and dealing with inter-racial adoption. Those people read the heart in all my posts and understand that I don't make any decisions based on hair style or skin color, but on hours of prayer and being on my face before the Lord begging for His answers and submitting my will to His. Do I always succeed in making the right decisions, definitely not. But I can guarantee you that every decision from adoption to where to send my kids to school to how to spend our money is made at the foot of the cross with a heart that only desires to please God and glorify Him.

As far as my posts being offensive, I'm sorry that you chose to take them that way. My heart was shut immediately. But as I stayed and played with the Little Guy and as I prayed for wisdom over the situation, my heart opened...why else would I have been trying to find a way to accept the referral of him and his sister? Did you miss that part? His skin color and braids were not stopping me from pursuing it all the way to the point that God said, stop.

And for the skin color part. As I explained, that has to do with sensitivity to a child I have already committed to...my son. This is based on a conviction that I have had for over a year now...and have stood on even when my own husband didn't necessarily agree with me. Now that Toben has voiced these concerns, John totally agrees with me. Our decision to not take Little Guy was based on MANY things. I didn't go into all of them in my post about peace. But let me explain a little more here since you have brought up the skin color.

We are at 5 kids. In Texas, you can only have 6 kids total in your care before you have to be moved to a group home. When you become a group home, you are supposed to only take in kids who are 5 or older. That is not what John and I feel comfortable with at this time in our lives. I would LOVE to adopt older children, and in fact, we pursued a sibling group of 6 who were 7-16. You can read about that in older posts. But God shut that door and was gracious to show us the reason for that placement consideration. Ever since then, we have agreed that we needed to take in younger children. This has a lot to do with our calling in life...what I know I was put on the earth to do. I have a very strong call on my life to help children find families. I am blessed to know many large families...and by large I mean 9-20 children. I don't see us as a "large" family - a fact that just blows John's mind! John and I have talked many times about our admiration of these families. One thing that you notice is that their family is their calling. They do little else. They can't. When you have that many children, you need to limit outside activity to make sure you are serving your children and spouse. I stand firm on my belief that my family is my first and most important calling. I have gotten that out of balance at times with my work in Addy's Hope. So I am very protective of that now. As we look at adding children to our family, we also have to look at our role in Addy's Hope. John and I stood in our kitchen before calling Buckner and talked about what adding two toddlers to our family would mean. It would greatly hinder my ability to go to churches and talk about the need we saw at the group home. It would greatly hinder my ability to have couples over to the house to talk about what they feel God is asking them to do by adopting or fostering but are scared to death. I know my limits, and I know my calling. I greatly admire the women who have more children than me and handle it like pros..even home schooling! I don't judge them, I many times envy them. But I am confident in the calling God has on my life and that means I can't look at them and try to make my life look like theirs any more than they need to make their life look like mine. It means we all seek God for ourselves and walk in what He calls us each to...that is what makes The Body the I love so dearly function as a Body! We are nearing the limit of children we can handle at this stage of life with the calling God has on me for adoption as a whole. That means adding a child who is not full African American could possibly mean Toben grows up without a child who looks like him. I don't believe that is what is best for him, our family or what God has called us to. If you read back over my posts from The Journey, you will see where I post over and over that I am very confident that God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. They guide us to the child He has for us. Does he ask us to be open to things that are not our desires at times? Yes, and I believe He did that with Little Guy and I answered with a resounding, Yes, Lord! I am your bond servant! May it be to me as you desire! But in the end, He didn't say bring him home. He used Little Guy in my life, but I think more importantly in John's life, to solidify our calling to motivate and act as a catalyst to empower churches to empower their people to respond to the epidemic of children in need of families in our nation and around the world!

Jo, I don't know if you are a foster parent or adoptive parent or who you are because your profile is not public. I always find it ironic that the people who leave the most negative comments are the ones who do not have public profiles. I'm glad you have "enjoyed" most of my posts. I would love for you to continue reading my blog. But I would encourage you to not leave negative comments on my blog or anyone elses if you are not going to be bold enough to at least have your blog public and open yourself up to the same kind of criticism from strangers that you are giving to me and anyone else that you leave such comments on their blog.

I could have posted the nice, thought about, wrapped up thoughts on my blog. I could have left out the messy ones. The ones that aren't generated from God...the ones that I can look back later and know the enemy was using to derail me...but I chose not to even with the criticism of people like you. I do that because I believe it is VERY important for those of us who have gone before to be frank about our feelings and fears in adoptions...especially inter-racial adoptions. That way those who are being called to do this and are just beginning are not discouraged and dissuaded by their own fears and thoughts that they are too scared to speak because of people like you who will judge them and put them down.

Since you don't have a public profile and I don't know if you are a foster or adoptive family, I don't know if you have ever had to wrestle with any of these kinds of thoughts. If you are an adoptive or foster family and you have never had any of those "what if" or "is this the match for me" thoughts and took every child that came your way without question, then you are either a saint or not totally honest with anyone...including yourself. I have walked many adoptive parents through the process of deciding whether a placement is right for them. The ones I respect the most are the ones that wrestle with that decision. It shows that they are very serious about the role they have in taking in a child. It shows that they believe that adoption is permanent! They are not a family who will give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, place the child back up for adoption like some do. I truly admire families who wrestled this out....even if in the end it meant they turned down a placement.

You said you are only being transparent. I would encourage you to be more transparent...open your profile so I and anyone else who wants to can read your blog! That is true transparency!

Lastly let me say, thank you for your comment. It did make me go back and evaluate what I said and how we made our decision. I don't know you, but God used you to fulfill Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And for that I am grateful!