As we have walked the past few weeks processing the news that Ava is losing brain mass and are waiting on an official diagnosis of a terminal illness, I have found many things to be thankful for.
First, I am thankful for my large family! We told our oldest three the day we learned of the news. The way they responded blessed me beyond words! I knew that if no one else in the entire world walked with us, we would be ok because we had each other. With the roads we have walked the past 4 years, being able to rest in that was truly miraculous and a precious gift from God!
I am also thankful for the amazing community of Decatur. I immediately knew that we would not walk this alone. We have close friends all the way to acquaintances who we know would do anything we asked in a time of need. Ava has a class of friends who genuinely love her! With her struggles, it would be so easy to cast her aside as a social misfit and real pain in the you know what! But instead they respond with grace, understanding, and love! Even to the boys she messages and even texts sometimes relentlessly telling them she has a crush on them - they respond with appropriate, loving answers! I don't take that for granted!
I am thankful God placed it on my parents' hear to move close to us! We live closer now than we have in 18 years! They will be an invaluable support emotionally as well as in day to day life in the coming months and years! I am so thankful for them!
I have been asking for a full brain MRI for years only to be told there is no need. The one done in 2009 didn't show anything, so a new one would not be useful. At first when we found out it would have in fact shown something, I was angry they had not done one when I asked. But immediately, God answered my anger with "would you really have wanted to know all this time?!" And the answer to that is a resounding NO! I am so thankful for the years of wonderful bliss we have lived in not knowing what the future held and just enjoying our sweet girl for the amazing creation of God that she is!
But truly what I am most thankful for are the trials that have brought me to this point in my life! I remember as a young adult and fairly immature Christian reading in James 1 where I was supposed to consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. What?! I should be happy things are hard?! The scripture explains itself: "because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I can remember a season where I begged God for relief from lessons. I actually told him I did not want to mature anymore for awhile! I am so thankful he did not give me what I asked for!
When we taught youth in Cotton Center, I would tell them that God will never take you over a mountain before he takes you over the ant hill. I learned early in my walk with Him that He strengthened us bit by bit. If I would let him teach me in the trip over the ant hill, then I would take the trip over the mountain much more gracefully and peacefully.
As I have walked through one of the deepest valleys of my life - being told a child is dying - I have time and again thanked God for the Truths that are now part of the fabric of my belief system - they are who I am not just what I think.
When we miscarried our first baby in 1999, a woman of God who I very much admired shared that God was teaching me to let go of children. At the time my 25 year old self was offended. But as I have lost so many children, that Word has come back to me time and time again. I now know it was actually a Word of peace. We lost our Hope to a miscarriage, we lost Addy to death before we ever met her yet we loved her as if we had raised her those three years of her life, we lost Eden to a failed adoption after I spent three weeks with her and bonded in a miraculous way only to have not seen her again in 13 years! We have even lost a child to the schemes of the enemy - for what we pray is temporary. I have said numerous times that I have lost children just about any way you can except through death while they lived with me. When we lost Hope in our miscarriage, the lesson I walked away from that I have been forever grateful for is that my children are not mine! The ones I birthed are not mine, the ones I have adopted are not mine, and the ones who call my house home are not mine - they are HIS! He entrusts them to me to raise and equip and train for Kingdom purposes, and it is my true honor to walk with each one of them in this life for that purpose!
But it is not just the loss of children that has prepared me for this moment. It is so many trials I have walked. Sitting alone with my thoughts and emotions the last few weeks, never once have I asked God "why?". For one, that has never really gone well for me! God has never really felt the need to explain himself to me in most cases when I ask that question - He is God, and I am not - that's why. But I have not even asked. Mainly because I trust Him. I fully trust Him.
Through the trials I have walked in my 44 years on this earth, his sovereignty is settled. I know this is not a surprise to Him. In fact, this is a result of Ava's genetic make up - it is literally how He knit her together! He knows yesterday, today, and tomorrow - none of it is a surprise! Many might ask why that doesn't make me angry. Well, because God's love for me and His goodness have also been settled long ago in my spirit and soul. I have walked many trials that I could not explain and could not in the midst of it see any good. But those same trials now are spring boards into my calling and my ability to walk with others today. I know God loves me. God is good! He is not just good when the answer is what we want to hear, He is good no matter what! I know that. He has shown that to me over my lifetime. I don't question it. I believe it.
Because of these lessons and these Truths that are a part of my being now, my faith is truly a refuge! He is my Strong Tower that I can run to and be safe! I have spent many evenings just sitting, crying, asking God to "hold me". And He does. From the moment we received the news up until the typing of these words, I have had nothing but undeniable PEACE! I should be frantic, worried, anxious, fearful - and there are moments of that as the enemy tries to steal our joy and peace - but those moments are fleeting and are quickly replaced with supernatural, unexplained, oh so wonderful PEACE. It is the most precious gift my Heavenly Father has ever given me!
If you wonder if God is real, I can tell you without a doubt HE IS!!! How do I know? Because He has shown Himself faithful to me! He has answered me when I have cried out! He has comforted me when there was no comfort to be had from the things this world had to offer. He has filled me with joy and peace that surpasses all human understanding. But to get here, I had to yield to Him. I had to walk in obedience to Him. I had to let Him take the lead and trust Him for the outcome. Never have I ever been more thankful for the lessons I have learned as I walked with Him than I am today!
Showing posts with label trials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trials. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: In the Crosshairs of Satan
It would seem that as soon as I hit send on that last blog post, satan decided to sift us like wheat! What I hadn't shared because I was waiting for that really cool blog post to reveal it, ha!, was that things were progressing with our offer on the Austin Stone house. They had already verbally accepted out offer. We are just working out the details of the contract. It is an estate, so things are moving a little more slowly than they would traditionally, but still, things are moving! AND we had an offer on our house that was what we needed! It had not even hit MLS yet, and we are listing it ourselves. So everything (read circumstances) seemed to be lining up exactly with what we felt God was calling us to do! Then yesterday.
While I was taking kids to school, John calls me. The realtor for the couple buying our house, the ones who LOVE your home and really want it, had sent an email saying that they were withdrawing their offer. "Their plans had changed." And there was the first crack in the foundation I was standing on by faith.
Really, I did ok with that news. I was disappointed, but I just vocalized what I know to be true...God is still good, and God is still faithful! I did have to guard my thoughts carefully because there was a run away train of doubt and confusion and bitterness that wanted to start itself up, but I was determined to shut it down with the Truths I know about the God that I believe has called us to this journey!
To add to this day, John was leaving to go to Michigan for five days! Oh, and did I mention this is our last week of school?! So all you mommas know what that means for my week! I had traveled for work all last week (four straight days!!!!) leaving John to get the last of the house ready to show and care for all the kids. We were literally together less than two full days, and now he was leaving again. We have not been together more than four days straight in weeks! That is definitely taking its toll as our house is a bit difficult to operate as a single parent, not to mention not having your soul mate here to process with in person. I felt the wheels of the train turn just a bit.
John and I spent the day doing the, "what are you thinking" game. He had wifi on his plane, so we were messaging back and forth. I think we both started the day pretty strong. One message I got back from John was a reminder that we are taking our promised land, and satan is not going to let that happen without a fight. But as the day went on, I think we both at some point took our eyes off of the prize and put it on the problem. I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago. One of the sessions was on circling your promise and not your problem! It was a great lesson that God has brought to mind MULTIPLE times since then....and this morning as I talk to Him, he reminded me again. I definitely think we circled our problem yesterday! That's what fuels that run away train!
We had a showing yesterday morning, so that brought a little encouragement. But the hits kept coming. You see, satan don't play when it comes to keeping you off your promised land. The kids came home from school. One of them had an occurrence that really made moving a reality with regard to friends. It was the child that while there is a really strong reason to move for this child, and probably one of our biggest motivators to move, I also worry about the effects of the move on this child the most. As I watched my child process that pain, the run away train started down the hill.
To top off our fabulous (insert eye roll) day, I had a call from a realtor that wanted to pre-view the house yesterday. I had asked her to come while the kids were at school, but she asked to come at 5:30. I agreed as long as she understood that the children would be in the house. I am happy to take them somewhere and all leave for a family to view the house, but for a realtor preview (that is probably just someone wanting to talk us into listing with them), we just keep the children confined to one area. And y'all who know my children know exactly how easy that is! (insert eye roll again!) So I had littles eating popcorn praying they wouldn't spill it watching a movie in the media room. The big kids were scattered throughout the house ready for the "go" to gather in the living room. 5:30 came and went. Then 5:45, then 6. She never showed up! Ugh! The train picked up speed!
As I drove to pick up 1/2 price burgers from Sonic since cooking is impossible while keeping your kitchen spotless waiting on a realtor who never shows, so many thoughts were going through my mind. Are we doing the right thing? Our house may never sell. What if we have to come off our price so much that it puts us in financial strains? What if we don't have the money to do what needs to be done on the new house? What if we don't put up a fence fast enough and one of the toddlers drowns in the pond at the Austin Stone House? And just like that the enemy had fueled the run away train of thoughts that now sped widely down the hill of our promise! As I drove, I heard a voice say "Is that fear you feel?" Sure enough it was! I had let my thoughts get to a place where my disappointment had turned to fear. And this is what I know...fear is NEVER from God! Not that kind of fear. Not the irrational, stomach in knots because you are thinking about what "could happen" fear. That was my wake up call!
I was messaging with John, and he said it best. He sent me a message that said, "I just feel like we are in the crosshairs of satan and I just need God to show up!" To add to John's day, their plane had been rerouted from Chicago after circling for an hour due to bad weather. So they had to fly to Indiana to refuel, then back to Chicago. They missed their connecting flight so they had to rent cars and drive the last leg of their trip which was about 3 hours. So by the time he go to his hotel, he had been traveling for 13 hours! His day was worse than mine!
But as I realized my mind had taken off with the enemy's lies, I thought of John's message and I got angry! We might just be in the crosshairs of satan, but his is what I know. Any weapon satan has to use against me, the Word of God and the Body of Christ can deflect! So he can set his crosshairs on me, it doesn't mean he wins! That has already been settled. We win! The end has been written! So I just pulled out my Sword and put my crosshairs right back on him!
One of my dearest friends is actually in the process of moving also. They are trying to buy a house in this market which is crazy because in their price range, houses are getting multiple offers in hours and selling for over asking price. So they too have had quite the journey! It has been such an amazing God provision though. My friend is an amazing warrior in the kingdom and is most definitely a glass half full gal! So she has encouraged and challenged me in this journey to stay positive and focus on what I know about God just by listening to her do the same in her own circumstances. It has been iron sharpening iron lived out this week! That is why walking alone is not possible in this Christian life and why the Body of Christ is so important...but that is a whole other post for another time!
As I talked to Liz, God reminded me of the story of the twelve spies that were sent into the Promised Land before the Israelites crossed over. Ten of those spies came back and reported the circumstances...big giants that they could never defeat on their own...but Joshua and Caleb reported what God had said! They didn't deny that there were giants, they just reminded the crowd that God said he would hand their enemies over to them as they crossed over their territory into the land God had promised to give the Israelites! I wan to be like Caleb and Joshua.
Yesterday the circumstances overcame me. I focused on the things my eyes could see. As a Christ Follower, I am called to view those circumstances from my heavenly seat next to Christ at the right hand of God! And when I look from that view, I see the Promise and not the problem!
So this morning, I am committed to focus on the promise! We have a showing at 8:45, so the morning is already coming into line with God's promise! And when I get home...I think I will pack a couple of boxes as my "shield of faith" to remind the enemy that we ARE moving and to deflect those arrows he keeps trying to shoot through his crosshairs!
While I was taking kids to school, John calls me. The realtor for the couple buying our house, the ones who LOVE your home and really want it, had sent an email saying that they were withdrawing their offer. "Their plans had changed." And there was the first crack in the foundation I was standing on by faith.
Really, I did ok with that news. I was disappointed, but I just vocalized what I know to be true...God is still good, and God is still faithful! I did have to guard my thoughts carefully because there was a run away train of doubt and confusion and bitterness that wanted to start itself up, but I was determined to shut it down with the Truths I know about the God that I believe has called us to this journey!
To add to this day, John was leaving to go to Michigan for five days! Oh, and did I mention this is our last week of school?! So all you mommas know what that means for my week! I had traveled for work all last week (four straight days!!!!) leaving John to get the last of the house ready to show and care for all the kids. We were literally together less than two full days, and now he was leaving again. We have not been together more than four days straight in weeks! That is definitely taking its toll as our house is a bit difficult to operate as a single parent, not to mention not having your soul mate here to process with in person. I felt the wheels of the train turn just a bit.
John and I spent the day doing the, "what are you thinking" game. He had wifi on his plane, so we were messaging back and forth. I think we both started the day pretty strong. One message I got back from John was a reminder that we are taking our promised land, and satan is not going to let that happen without a fight. But as the day went on, I think we both at some point took our eyes off of the prize and put it on the problem. I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago. One of the sessions was on circling your promise and not your problem! It was a great lesson that God has brought to mind MULTIPLE times since then....and this morning as I talk to Him, he reminded me again. I definitely think we circled our problem yesterday! That's what fuels that run away train!
We had a showing yesterday morning, so that brought a little encouragement. But the hits kept coming. You see, satan don't play when it comes to keeping you off your promised land. The kids came home from school. One of them had an occurrence that really made moving a reality with regard to friends. It was the child that while there is a really strong reason to move for this child, and probably one of our biggest motivators to move, I also worry about the effects of the move on this child the most. As I watched my child process that pain, the run away train started down the hill.
To top off our fabulous (insert eye roll) day, I had a call from a realtor that wanted to pre-view the house yesterday. I had asked her to come while the kids were at school, but she asked to come at 5:30. I agreed as long as she understood that the children would be in the house. I am happy to take them somewhere and all leave for a family to view the house, but for a realtor preview (that is probably just someone wanting to talk us into listing with them), we just keep the children confined to one area. And y'all who know my children know exactly how easy that is! (insert eye roll again!) So I had littles eating popcorn praying they wouldn't spill it watching a movie in the media room. The big kids were scattered throughout the house ready for the "go" to gather in the living room. 5:30 came and went. Then 5:45, then 6. She never showed up! Ugh! The train picked up speed!
As I drove to pick up 1/2 price burgers from Sonic since cooking is impossible while keeping your kitchen spotless waiting on a realtor who never shows, so many thoughts were going through my mind. Are we doing the right thing? Our house may never sell. What if we have to come off our price so much that it puts us in financial strains? What if we don't have the money to do what needs to be done on the new house? What if we don't put up a fence fast enough and one of the toddlers drowns in the pond at the Austin Stone House? And just like that the enemy had fueled the run away train of thoughts that now sped widely down the hill of our promise! As I drove, I heard a voice say "Is that fear you feel?" Sure enough it was! I had let my thoughts get to a place where my disappointment had turned to fear. And this is what I know...fear is NEVER from God! Not that kind of fear. Not the irrational, stomach in knots because you are thinking about what "could happen" fear. That was my wake up call!
I was messaging with John, and he said it best. He sent me a message that said, "I just feel like we are in the crosshairs of satan and I just need God to show up!" To add to John's day, their plane had been rerouted from Chicago after circling for an hour due to bad weather. So they had to fly to Indiana to refuel, then back to Chicago. They missed their connecting flight so they had to rent cars and drive the last leg of their trip which was about 3 hours. So by the time he go to his hotel, he had been traveling for 13 hours! His day was worse than mine!
But as I realized my mind had taken off with the enemy's lies, I thought of John's message and I got angry! We might just be in the crosshairs of satan, but his is what I know. Any weapon satan has to use against me, the Word of God and the Body of Christ can deflect! So he can set his crosshairs on me, it doesn't mean he wins! That has already been settled. We win! The end has been written! So I just pulled out my Sword and put my crosshairs right back on him!
One of my dearest friends is actually in the process of moving also. They are trying to buy a house in this market which is crazy because in their price range, houses are getting multiple offers in hours and selling for over asking price. So they too have had quite the journey! It has been such an amazing God provision though. My friend is an amazing warrior in the kingdom and is most definitely a glass half full gal! So she has encouraged and challenged me in this journey to stay positive and focus on what I know about God just by listening to her do the same in her own circumstances. It has been iron sharpening iron lived out this week! That is why walking alone is not possible in this Christian life and why the Body of Christ is so important...but that is a whole other post for another time!
As I talked to Liz, God reminded me of the story of the twelve spies that were sent into the Promised Land before the Israelites crossed over. Ten of those spies came back and reported the circumstances...big giants that they could never defeat on their own...but Joshua and Caleb reported what God had said! They didn't deny that there were giants, they just reminded the crowd that God said he would hand their enemies over to them as they crossed over their territory into the land God had promised to give the Israelites! I wan to be like Caleb and Joshua.
Yesterday the circumstances overcame me. I focused on the things my eyes could see. As a Christ Follower, I am called to view those circumstances from my heavenly seat next to Christ at the right hand of God! And when I look from that view, I see the Promise and not the problem!
So this morning, I am committed to focus on the promise! We have a showing at 8:45, so the morning is already coming into line with God's promise! And when I get home...I think I will pack a couple of boxes as my "shield of faith" to remind the enemy that we ARE moving and to deflect those arrows he keeps trying to shoot through his crosshairs!
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