I want to respond to a comment I got on my last post about Little Guy...Jo, I did publish your comment, even though you could not be further from the truth...and I will explain why!
Hollyann,
I usually enjoy your posts and this is my transparent response - (we can be transparent too right?LOL).
No seriously, taking the last two posts together, it seems to me you rejected this little boy because: (a) your mom wouldn't like his braids; and (c) because his skin color wasn't your preference. In fact, after these two factors became apparent, your "heart was shut immediately." That's about as shallow as one can be. Wow.
I know you will either not post this or chalk it up to just another person attacking you. Or someone who doesn't really know you (even though the words are for the world to read). I'm sorry if that is usually the case. But this time, your last two posts are offensive. But, hey, its "transparent", so that makes everything just fine and unchallengable!
ugh.
Jo
First let me address why you concluded that I 'rejected' this little boy. If you will scan down my posts, you will see pictures of all five of my children. I'm not sure where you can say that I would turn a child away because of skin color. I have children of all shades. And have desired that since I was a child. But since you don't really know me, you wouldn't know that. And for the braids, yes, that would have been a challenge with my parents. And in fact, that concern is one of the least shallow things I could think. You see, once again because you don't know me, what you don't know is that my parents have been against all of our adoptions. They don't totally understand why we do what we do. They have come to respect it over the years, but even with the decision to take on another child, they had real concerns and were pretty well against it. Why I say it is not shallow to think of that is because when we have family pictures later this year, that little boy will be in them. That means that whatever child I bring into my home will be in the family portrait that my parents hang on their wall. When we adopted Noah, I didn't consider that. I very arrogantly told my parents about our decision to adopt Noah and pretty well just told them to accept it because we were adults and they couldn't stop us from doing it. That was shallow. But in the adoption journeys since then, I have come to realize that what we do does affect them. Will I ever choose pleasing my parents over walking in obedience to God, I pray I won't! But ultimately, considering that is not shallow and the feelings of fear about having to deal with their feelings about the braids, well those are real. I can deny them and pretend to be perfect, but that doesn't help me or the number of people reading my blog who have thanked me for my transparency in my decisions and dealing with inter-racial adoption. Those people read the heart in all my posts and understand that I don't make any decisions based on hair style or skin color, but on hours of prayer and being on my face before the Lord begging for His answers and submitting my will to His. Do I always succeed in making the right decisions, definitely not. But I can guarantee you that every decision from adoption to where to send my kids to school to how to spend our money is made at the foot of the cross with a heart that only desires to please God and glorify Him.
As far as my posts being offensive, I'm sorry that you chose to take them that way. My heart was shut immediately. But as I stayed and played with the Little Guy and as I prayed for wisdom over the situation, my heart opened...why else would I have been trying to find a way to accept the referral of him and his sister? Did you miss that part? His skin color and braids were not stopping me from pursuing it all the way to the point that God said, stop.
And for the skin color part. As I explained, that has to do with sensitivity to a child I have already committed to...my son. This is based on a conviction that I have had for over a year now...and have stood on even when my own husband didn't necessarily agree with me. Now that Toben has voiced these concerns, John totally agrees with me. Our decision to not take Little Guy was based on MANY things. I didn't go into all of them in my post about peace. But let me explain a little more here since you have brought up the skin color.
We are at 5 kids. In Texas, you can only have 6 kids total in your care before you have to be moved to a group home. When you become a group home, you are supposed to only take in kids who are 5 or older. That is not what John and I feel comfortable with at this time in our lives. I would LOVE to adopt older children, and in fact, we pursued a sibling group of 6 who were 7-16. You can read about that in older posts. But God shut that door and was gracious to show us the reason for that placement consideration. Ever since then, we have agreed that we needed to take in younger children. This has a lot to do with our calling in life...what I know I was put on the earth to do. I have a very strong call on my life to help children find families. I am blessed to know many large families...and by large I mean 9-20 children. I don't see us as a "large" family - a fact that just blows John's mind! John and I have talked many times about our admiration of these families. One thing that you notice is that their family is their calling. They do little else. They can't. When you have that many children, you need to limit outside activity to make sure you are serving your children and spouse. I stand firm on my belief that my family is my first and most important calling. I have gotten that out of balance at times with my work in Addy's Hope. So I am very protective of that now. As we look at adding children to our family, we also have to look at our role in Addy's Hope. John and I stood in our kitchen before calling Buckner and talked about what adding two toddlers to our family would mean. It would greatly hinder my ability to go to churches and talk about the need we saw at the group home. It would greatly hinder my ability to have couples over to the house to talk about what they feel God is asking them to do by adopting or fostering but are scared to death. I know my limits, and I know my calling. I greatly admire the women who have more children than me and handle it like pros..even home schooling! I don't judge them, I many times envy them. But I am confident in the calling God has on my life and that means I can't look at them and try to make my life look like theirs any more than they need to make their life look like mine. It means we all seek God for ourselves and walk in what He calls us each to...that is what makes The Body the I love so dearly function as a Body! We are nearing the limit of children we can handle at this stage of life with the calling God has on me for adoption as a whole. That means adding a child who is not full African American could possibly mean Toben grows up without a child who looks like him. I don't believe that is what is best for him, our family or what God has called us to. If you read back over my posts from The Journey, you will see where I post over and over that I am very confident that God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. They guide us to the child He has for us. Does he ask us to be open to things that are not our desires at times? Yes, and I believe He did that with Little Guy and I answered with a resounding, Yes, Lord! I am your bond servant! May it be to me as you desire! But in the end, He didn't say bring him home. He used Little Guy in my life, but I think more importantly in John's life, to solidify our calling to motivate and act as a catalyst to empower churches to empower their people to respond to the epidemic of children in need of families in our nation and around the world!
Jo, I don't know if you are a foster parent or adoptive parent or who you are because your profile is not public. I always find it ironic that the people who leave the most negative comments are the ones who do not have public profiles. I'm glad you have "enjoyed" most of my posts. I would love for you to continue reading my blog. But I would encourage you to not leave negative comments on my blog or anyone elses if you are not going to be bold enough to at least have your blog public and open yourself up to the same kind of criticism from strangers that you are giving to me and anyone else that you leave such comments on their blog.
I could have posted the nice, thought about, wrapped up thoughts on my blog. I could have left out the messy ones. The ones that aren't generated from God...the ones that I can look back later and know the enemy was using to derail me...but I chose not to even with the criticism of people like you. I do that because I believe it is VERY important for those of us who have gone before to be frank about our feelings and fears in adoptions...especially inter-racial adoptions. That way those who are being called to do this and are just beginning are not discouraged and dissuaded by their own fears and thoughts that they are too scared to speak because of people like you who will judge them and put them down.
Since you don't have a public profile and I don't know if you are a foster or adoptive family, I don't know if you have ever had to wrestle with any of these kinds of thoughts. If you are an adoptive or foster family and you have never had any of those "what if" or "is this the match for me" thoughts and took every child that came your way without question, then you are either a saint or not totally honest with anyone...including yourself. I have walked many adoptive parents through the process of deciding whether a placement is right for them. The ones I respect the most are the ones that wrestle with that decision. It shows that they are very serious about the role they have in taking in a child. It shows that they believe that adoption is permanent! They are not a family who will give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, place the child back up for adoption like some do. I truly admire families who wrestled this out....even if in the end it meant they turned down a placement.
You said you are only being transparent. I would encourage you to be more transparent...open your profile so I and anyone else who wants to can read your blog! That is true transparency!
Lastly let me say, thank you for your comment. It did make me go back and evaluate what I said and how we made our decision. I don't know you, but God used you to fulfill Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And for that I am grateful!
Showing posts with label Little Guy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Little Guy. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Journey: Peace After the Storm
Sorry to not have updated last night or earlier today. I just needed a break from the emotions and thoughts of the past couple of days. I was worn out! Totally exhausted! But as I write this, I am at total peace. God is so faithful!
We said no to the referral. I know many will be shocked by that, but after much prayer, much talking to many people and each other, we said no. I left the final decision to John, but I have total peace with what he decided and why he decided it. John even got an e-mail from a friend who knows us just about as well as anyone that very humbly said he thought he might have a Word for us. He even pulled over on the side of the road to type it out and send it to John.
Basically, John's feelings were confirmed by the e-mail. John felt that we needed to make the trip to the children's home so that he (and I, I'm sure) could be exposed to the horrific truth of an emergency shelter for children under 5. It made us realize even more the need and the direction God wants to take Addy's Hope. We will be working with some foster agencies and CPS to hopefully make a difference in fostering in our area. The Body of Christ just has to do more! We hope to be a part of the catalyst to do just that in the months to come.
We talked to Buckner several times yesterday and they talked to the case worker for Little Guy and sister. More than likely sister will go to a relative (that is not a relative for Little Guy). The "System" will almost always place with a family member over a foster home even when it means separating a sibling group. I don't believe that is best....unless the child already has a bond with that family member, but that's just one of many things I don't agree with the system! So ultimately, we were just looking at accepting a referral for Little Guy alone.
I really didn't feel like we should do that. One thing about processing a decision on a blog is that you have it all out there...makes it hard to rationalize away disobedience! I have looked back at some of the things God showed me and spoke concerning this situation to make sure I am not rationalizing anything away. In particular, the scripture in James that says if you know the good you ought to do but do not do it, you sin. I prayed much over that scripture after we decided to not take Little Guy. God brought peace for me over that! He assured me that we did the good we were supposed to do....we were open! We didn't let anything about the situation or circumstances scare us away. We walked in obedience every step...even to asking for a van to be donated. That was what He was asking of us. I don't pretend to understand the way God works, but this isn't the first time that God did heart surgery on me to make me open to a road I wouldn't have taken before the heart surgery only for God to stop me and place me back on the road I was on before the heart surgery! Clear as mud?! Basically, God worked in my heart to make me totally open to obedience....no stipulations, just ready and set to obey whatever the price, whatever the sacrifice, whatever the command! John and I also were strengthened through this, I believe. I had to trust his decision, and he had to trust I would be ok with his decision. I can truly say that I give thanks for the process God just brought us through even though we didn't end up with Little Guy and sister. But you can guarantee one thing, I will be praying for them both! I will pray that they are placed in loving homes that will teach them about Jesus!
What now? Well, we're not sure, but I still believe we will have another child, and we told Buckner that we are still open to another placement. I did ask that it be a full African American child. Toben has really expressed through this process his desire/need for a child that looks like him. Callie has Ava, Ava has Callie. Noah has Baby Girl, Baby Girl has Noah. And Toben, well, he is our only dark chocolate sweety! Some kids could be ok with that, I'm sure. But he has expressed several times that he wants a child that looks like him in the family. There is no guarantee that the next child will be in our home permanently, we are still fostering , but we always want to be ready to keep whomever comes into our home. We never want to have a child removed from our home because of our decisions! We want to make sure a placement in our home can stay until he/she has to leave for other reason.
I don't have a sense of a boy or girl, and we are good with either. So we only asked that it be full African American. We are only approved for up to age 3, but you all know if I have my preference, the next baby P-tree will be straight from the hospital! That will be my prayer, but as always, I will keep my heart open to whomever God has for us!
So we are still looking at what we can do for a car. Since we are doing Dave Ramsey, and since I am no longer on salary with Addy's Hope, there is no room for a car payment. But if we get even just one more child, we will not have room for the whole family. Since we feel pretty certain there will be at least one more child, we need to start thinking about that. But it is not the crisis it was Friday when we thought the placement of a couple of kids rested on us finding a 12 passenger van!
To all who have prayed and sent words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Thank you for walking this journey with us. I know your prayers are what made the decision so peaceful! So many were praying for wisdom and it seemed to come easier and quicker in this decision that just about any I can remember...well, other than the decision to marry John! :) But truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for praying, for e-mailing, for messaging, for commenting! It has meant the world to me through the past four days! Stay tuned....I will need your prayers again in this journey, I am sure!
And if you are in the West Texas area and you are thinking about being a foster family, can I encourage you to quit thinking and take the training?! Don't use praying about it as an excuse or delay! Take the training...that doesn't commit you to anything and will give you a better sense of what you will be getting into. Take the step of obedience, will you? I will walk with you if you have no one else to walk with you! It is my passion! It is my life call! Let's get these kids in homes!!
Walking this journey one step at a time!
HollyAnn
We said no to the referral. I know many will be shocked by that, but after much prayer, much talking to many people and each other, we said no. I left the final decision to John, but I have total peace with what he decided and why he decided it. John even got an e-mail from a friend who knows us just about as well as anyone that very humbly said he thought he might have a Word for us. He even pulled over on the side of the road to type it out and send it to John.
Basically, John's feelings were confirmed by the e-mail. John felt that we needed to make the trip to the children's home so that he (and I, I'm sure) could be exposed to the horrific truth of an emergency shelter for children under 5. It made us realize even more the need and the direction God wants to take Addy's Hope. We will be working with some foster agencies and CPS to hopefully make a difference in fostering in our area. The Body of Christ just has to do more! We hope to be a part of the catalyst to do just that in the months to come.
We talked to Buckner several times yesterday and they talked to the case worker for Little Guy and sister. More than likely sister will go to a relative (that is not a relative for Little Guy). The "System" will almost always place with a family member over a foster home even when it means separating a sibling group. I don't believe that is best....unless the child already has a bond with that family member, but that's just one of many things I don't agree with the system! So ultimately, we were just looking at accepting a referral for Little Guy alone.
I really didn't feel like we should do that. One thing about processing a decision on a blog is that you have it all out there...makes it hard to rationalize away disobedience! I have looked back at some of the things God showed me and spoke concerning this situation to make sure I am not rationalizing anything away. In particular, the scripture in James that says if you know the good you ought to do but do not do it, you sin. I prayed much over that scripture after we decided to not take Little Guy. God brought peace for me over that! He assured me that we did the good we were supposed to do....we were open! We didn't let anything about the situation or circumstances scare us away. We walked in obedience every step...even to asking for a van to be donated. That was what He was asking of us. I don't pretend to understand the way God works, but this isn't the first time that God did heart surgery on me to make me open to a road I wouldn't have taken before the heart surgery only for God to stop me and place me back on the road I was on before the heart surgery! Clear as mud?! Basically, God worked in my heart to make me totally open to obedience....no stipulations, just ready and set to obey whatever the price, whatever the sacrifice, whatever the command! John and I also were strengthened through this, I believe. I had to trust his decision, and he had to trust I would be ok with his decision. I can truly say that I give thanks for the process God just brought us through even though we didn't end up with Little Guy and sister. But you can guarantee one thing, I will be praying for them both! I will pray that they are placed in loving homes that will teach them about Jesus!
What now? Well, we're not sure, but I still believe we will have another child, and we told Buckner that we are still open to another placement. I did ask that it be a full African American child. Toben has really expressed through this process his desire/need for a child that looks like him. Callie has Ava, Ava has Callie. Noah has Baby Girl, Baby Girl has Noah. And Toben, well, he is our only dark chocolate sweety! Some kids could be ok with that, I'm sure. But he has expressed several times that he wants a child that looks like him in the family. There is no guarantee that the next child will be in our home permanently, we are still fostering , but we always want to be ready to keep whomever comes into our home. We never want to have a child removed from our home because of our decisions! We want to make sure a placement in our home can stay until he/she has to leave for other reason.
I don't have a sense of a boy or girl, and we are good with either. So we only asked that it be full African American. We are only approved for up to age 3, but you all know if I have my preference, the next baby P-tree will be straight from the hospital! That will be my prayer, but as always, I will keep my heart open to whomever God has for us!
So we are still looking at what we can do for a car. Since we are doing Dave Ramsey, and since I am no longer on salary with Addy's Hope, there is no room for a car payment. But if we get even just one more child, we will not have room for the whole family. Since we feel pretty certain there will be at least one more child, we need to start thinking about that. But it is not the crisis it was Friday when we thought the placement of a couple of kids rested on us finding a 12 passenger van!
To all who have prayed and sent words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Thank you for walking this journey with us. I know your prayers are what made the decision so peaceful! So many were praying for wisdom and it seemed to come easier and quicker in this decision that just about any I can remember...well, other than the decision to marry John! :) But truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for praying, for e-mailing, for messaging, for commenting! It has meant the world to me through the past four days! Stay tuned....I will need your prayers again in this journey, I am sure!
And if you are in the West Texas area and you are thinking about being a foster family, can I encourage you to quit thinking and take the training?! Don't use praying about it as an excuse or delay! Take the training...that doesn't commit you to anything and will give you a better sense of what you will be getting into. Take the step of obedience, will you? I will walk with you if you have no one else to walk with you! It is my passion! It is my life call! Let's get these kids in homes!!
Walking this journey one step at a time!
HollyAnn
Friday, August 13, 2010
Totally Undone
We went. We saw. We left. I fell apart. I am still not back together.
No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!
*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******
I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.
I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.
I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.
I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.
They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.
Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.
We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.
Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.
The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.
We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.
I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.
I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!
It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!
We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!
In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.
But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)
It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!
Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.
As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.
But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."
So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.
And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!
No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!
*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******
I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.
I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.
I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.
I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.
They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.
Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.
We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.
Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.
The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.
We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.
I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.
I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!
It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!
We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!
In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.
But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)
It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!
Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.
As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.
But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."
So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.
And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Journey: CHILDREN ~ God VS the World
John and I had a real heart to heart last night about adding child number 6. I can easily say there are many fears for both of us! But even as I would say the word "fear" or "scared" last night during our conversation, I would feel a rebuke from the Holy Spirit. I have been putting together daily prayer scriptures for my home and family as I am coming to understand more and more the need to cover my home and family in prayer every morning. There is a war every day for my family. If I don't start the day on my knees with sword in hand, my family may not survive. The enemy is out to steal kill and destroy! Over my dead body, literally, will he have my family! Sorry, chased a rabbit trail there!
When I was going through scriptures this morning to put on my daily prayer list, God used a couple to REALLY speak to me about adding another child. And I really think He was speaking to me not about just a general child number 6, but Little Guy in particular. I was ok with a newborn because they stay in one place, don't throw fits, and for the most part, while time consuming, are emotionally easy to care for. A two year old, well that is a whole other story....my own two year olds drive me nuts, but to bring one in that I don't know anything about...what comforts him when he's sad, what makes him mad, what sets off his buttons, what does he like to eat? Well, that scares me!
As John and I talked last night, I felt like God kept bringing us back to the point of "are you going to choose me or the world?" In fact, when I woke up yesterday morning, Joshua 24 was in my mind. The only part that kept playing was, "choose you this day whom you will serve." So I looked up the rest of it. When I looked it up, this was what I found:But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. OUCH! You see, bringing a two year old little boy into my home, well that seems undesirable to me. Bringing a 6th child in at all seems undesirable to John. You see this is what a 6th child means for us: we will have to take two cars everywhere we go until God provides for a new car or a bench seat for our suburban (and with the budget we have right now, that ain't happenin' short of a miracle!), that means no family vacations unless we can rent a van or bigger car or have lots of gas money, we will go nowhere together as a family in one car, more laundry to add to the piles that already stack up before I get to them, one more person demanding my time as I try to juggle the schedules and needs of all the others, potential for less sleep if he is not a good sleeper, more stress on a marriage that has cracks in it already, more strain on an already stretched budget (which will mean denying ourselves even more of the things the world says is important!). By the time John and I got done talking last night about the reality of another child (John often thinks I have my head stuck in the sand about adding a child, so he wanted to make sure I was in reality!), I was ready to call Buckner and tell them we didn't need to visit Little Guy...we were quite sure this was not for us...and maybe you can just take us off the call list for another one all together! I hadn't had my head in the sand, I had thought of all these things, but in my mind, when they come up, I just tell God, "Your problem! If you are calling me to 6, then you have to give me the strength, patience, money, etc, etc to parent 6!" But when you speak those things out loud and your partner starts expressing the same fears, it gets more real, and frankly, scary!
But as I was reading the Word this morning, I was reminded of God's view of children. Here it is:
Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)
3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.
Children are God's best gift! They are not burdens, stressors or zappers of cash! They are gifts! Oh how easily we pick up on the world's views even in Godly callings! Not only are they gifts, but they are like a warrior's fistful of arrows! They even make your enemies vulnerable to you. How cool is that?! Now I have a confession. I don't usually see my children as gifts like that. I certainly don't see them as a way that my enemies are defeated and "swept right off my doorstep". In fact, as we enter tween years, I often feel like my children are the enemy and need to be swept off the doorstep! Seriously, though, I don't see my children, or the children God is calling me to as the gifts they are. I had to stop and confess that and confess that last night as I contemplated walking in obedience with Little Guy, that I was using the world's view of children and all that we would have to sacrifice to bring him into our family as a way to rationalize walking in disobedience. God was surely not calling us into something that would do all John and I talked about he might do to our family and our home! Well, that is worldly thinking and doesn't have any place in Kingdom living!
That was it! Every time I said I was scared or fearful it was because I was looking at things by site and NOT by faith! My job is to walk in obedience! If God is saying take in Little Guy, then my only response needs to be "yes!" No, I don't put my head in the sand. Yes, I make plans for an added child. But just because I don't have answer to all the "what ifs" doesn't' mean I say no! That would be walking in fear! I. Must. Trust. God.
Little later in the morning, this quote came through on Facebook through Proverbs 31 ministries:
Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada WOW! Did that speak to me! And who better to know about that than a woman sentenced to a wheelchair since a diving accident in her teens! Faith isn't the ability for me to see how this will work! It isn't the ability to answer everyone's questions of why we will do this. Faith isn't being able to go everywhere in one car! Faith is simply hearing God say, "you will get a call for a placement today" and continuing to believe that after the call is for a child that I wouldn't have "picked" for my placement...it's undesirable as Isaiah says. Don't get me wrong...I haven't met Little Guy or even seen him, although we do have a name now! I'm not saying "he" is undesirable! I am saying this situation, and the timing of it, is not what I would have picked. But that doesn't change the things leading up to the call that God had already spoken to me about the call! Yet because it doesn't fit into my view of what God would do...which really means it doesn't' fit the world's view of what my life should look like, I'm ready to dismiss what I know in my heart is God's instruction!
How will this all end up? I don't know! When dealing with foster children there are many things that factor in! We can't even go see him until his CPS worker gives permission to his current care taker for us to go see him. All the powers that be have to agree that this is a good placement for him. So we could very possibly say yes only to be told no. But even that is not mine to be concerned about! My job is simply this. I must decide did God call me to this or not? Has he told me to take Little Guy as my son - for today, for a week, for a year or for a lifetime- however long I have him? If he did, then my job is to say "Yes, Lord!" For if I say no, I can't say Lord!
And that boils down to this: will I see this little boy as the world does ~probably with issues that will make life hard for me and my children for a time, something to be pitied because of his start but not loved to a winning finish, a burden, a stressor~ or as God does,
His.
Best.
Gift.
When I was going through scriptures this morning to put on my daily prayer list, God used a couple to REALLY speak to me about adding another child. And I really think He was speaking to me not about just a general child number 6, but Little Guy in particular. I was ok with a newborn because they stay in one place, don't throw fits, and for the most part, while time consuming, are emotionally easy to care for. A two year old, well that is a whole other story....my own two year olds drive me nuts, but to bring one in that I don't know anything about...what comforts him when he's sad, what makes him mad, what sets off his buttons, what does he like to eat? Well, that scares me!
As John and I talked last night, I felt like God kept bringing us back to the point of "are you going to choose me or the world?" In fact, when I woke up yesterday morning, Joshua 24 was in my mind. The only part that kept playing was, "choose you this day whom you will serve." So I looked up the rest of it. When I looked it up, this was what I found:But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. OUCH! You see, bringing a two year old little boy into my home, well that seems undesirable to me. Bringing a 6th child in at all seems undesirable to John. You see this is what a 6th child means for us: we will have to take two cars everywhere we go until God provides for a new car or a bench seat for our suburban (and with the budget we have right now, that ain't happenin' short of a miracle!), that means no family vacations unless we can rent a van or bigger car or have lots of gas money, we will go nowhere together as a family in one car, more laundry to add to the piles that already stack up before I get to them, one more person demanding my time as I try to juggle the schedules and needs of all the others, potential for less sleep if he is not a good sleeper, more stress on a marriage that has cracks in it already, more strain on an already stretched budget (which will mean denying ourselves even more of the things the world says is important!). By the time John and I got done talking last night about the reality of another child (John often thinks I have my head stuck in the sand about adding a child, so he wanted to make sure I was in reality!), I was ready to call Buckner and tell them we didn't need to visit Little Guy...we were quite sure this was not for us...and maybe you can just take us off the call list for another one all together! I hadn't had my head in the sand, I had thought of all these things, but in my mind, when they come up, I just tell God, "Your problem! If you are calling me to 6, then you have to give me the strength, patience, money, etc, etc to parent 6!" But when you speak those things out loud and your partner starts expressing the same fears, it gets more real, and frankly, scary!
But as I was reading the Word this morning, I was reminded of God's view of children. Here it is:
Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)
3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.
Children are God's best gift! They are not burdens, stressors or zappers of cash! They are gifts! Oh how easily we pick up on the world's views even in Godly callings! Not only are they gifts, but they are like a warrior's fistful of arrows! They even make your enemies vulnerable to you. How cool is that?! Now I have a confession. I don't usually see my children as gifts like that. I certainly don't see them as a way that my enemies are defeated and "swept right off my doorstep". In fact, as we enter tween years, I often feel like my children are the enemy and need to be swept off the doorstep! Seriously, though, I don't see my children, or the children God is calling me to as the gifts they are. I had to stop and confess that and confess that last night as I contemplated walking in obedience with Little Guy, that I was using the world's view of children and all that we would have to sacrifice to bring him into our family as a way to rationalize walking in disobedience. God was surely not calling us into something that would do all John and I talked about he might do to our family and our home! Well, that is worldly thinking and doesn't have any place in Kingdom living!
As I continued with the scriptures, that rebuke over being scared and fearful hit me between the eyes!
Isaiah 12:2 ~ Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; for the Lord God is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation (emphasis added).That was it! Every time I said I was scared or fearful it was because I was looking at things by site and NOT by faith! My job is to walk in obedience! If God is saying take in Little Guy, then my only response needs to be "yes!" No, I don't put my head in the sand. Yes, I make plans for an added child. But just because I don't have answer to all the "what ifs" doesn't' mean I say no! That would be walking in fear! I. Must. Trust. God.
Little later in the morning, this quote came through on Facebook through Proverbs 31 ministries:
Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future. It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step. ~Joni Erickson Tada WOW! Did that speak to me! And who better to know about that than a woman sentenced to a wheelchair since a diving accident in her teens! Faith isn't the ability for me to see how this will work! It isn't the ability to answer everyone's questions of why we will do this. Faith isn't being able to go everywhere in one car! Faith is simply hearing God say, "you will get a call for a placement today" and continuing to believe that after the call is for a child that I wouldn't have "picked" for my placement...it's undesirable as Isaiah says. Don't get me wrong...I haven't met Little Guy or even seen him, although we do have a name now! I'm not saying "he" is undesirable! I am saying this situation, and the timing of it, is not what I would have picked. But that doesn't change the things leading up to the call that God had already spoken to me about the call! Yet because it doesn't fit into my view of what God would do...which really means it doesn't' fit the world's view of what my life should look like, I'm ready to dismiss what I know in my heart is God's instruction!
How will this all end up? I don't know! When dealing with foster children there are many things that factor in! We can't even go see him until his CPS worker gives permission to his current care taker for us to go see him. All the powers that be have to agree that this is a good placement for him. So we could very possibly say yes only to be told no. But even that is not mine to be concerned about! My job is simply this. I must decide did God call me to this or not? Has he told me to take Little Guy as my son - for today, for a week, for a year or for a lifetime- however long I have him? If he did, then my job is to say "Yes, Lord!" For if I say no, I can't say Lord!
And that boils down to this: will I see this little boy as the world does ~probably with issues that will make life hard for me and my children for a time, something to be pitied because of his start but not loved to a winning finish, a burden, a stressor~ or as God does,
His.
Best.
Gift.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Journey: Waiting for the visit
So I know our agency has called the group home and left a message....but that is all I know for now. The visit will probably not be today..maybe tomorrow...maybe not...can I tell you?
I. Stink. At. Waiting!
I. Stink. At. Waiting!
The Journey: Going for a visit
John talked with Buckner yesterday and got a little more info on the little boy. It always seems like you are working a puzzle without the picture to go by when you are getting a placement like this. You are trying to put the bits and pieces of info together that you get, but not even sure what direction you are going with the pieces!
Our biggest concern is making sure this is a placement that will last however long it needs to. If this little guy needs a home for the next week, year or a lifetime, we want to make sure we can provide that before we say yes. Buckner and John thought it would be a good idea for us to go for a visit with him. That makes me a little....ok, a lot!....nervous! When I see a child, well, my heart kind of falls in love really easy! But John thinks it would be a good idea and we will know more. My head agrees, my heart is scared.
We did find out that he is bi-racial and not full African American. That concerns me as six is the limit...unless we go to a group home license which is a whole other topic for another time. I have always felt that Toben needs someone that looks like him in the family. I feel strongly about this. Not saying every family has to have that, but for Toben I think it is necessary. In fact, when I told the boys about this little guy, the first question Toben asked was, "Does he look like me?" When I said he probably looks more like Noah, Toben got sad.
Then one of those moments that makes me love having a large family occurred! I asked Toben why he didn't want him to live with us, and he said because we would just keep getting more and more babies. Noah then turns to him and says, "But if we get more like that family that has all the kids...Mom who are they?" Me: "The Duggars?" Noah: "Yeah, the Duggars, then maybe we can get our own tv show!" Well, yes, that's a reason to have more children! There you have it! The real reason we do this! We are after our own reality show! NOT! It is so NOT worth it for that! :)
Anyway, we are waiting to hear when we might get to go visit the little guy. Not sure what we are looking for in the visit, other than peace that passes all understanding one way or another. One of my fears and reason for turning the placement down the first time if my fear of me attaching. So it would be nice to talk to his current care givers to see if attachment issues seem to be present. I have my own, don't know if I could handle his and mine. Realizing I have never blogged about that. Need to do that! I didn't bond immediately with either of the boys...Toben took longer than Noah....but I know that is because he was older...I had missed out on more. I mourned those early years that I missed being his mommy!
Visiting also seems like "shopping" for children. I can't tell you how much I disdain that thought! He will only think we are coming for a play date. If we come to mind, pray for us! The future of a little guy, as well as our current children, is riding on this decision. That is a lot of weight to bear! We know God holds the answer, and we are seeking Him with all we have right now to know His plan for this little man!
To be continued.....
Our biggest concern is making sure this is a placement that will last however long it needs to. If this little guy needs a home for the next week, year or a lifetime, we want to make sure we can provide that before we say yes. Buckner and John thought it would be a good idea for us to go for a visit with him. That makes me a little....ok, a lot!....nervous! When I see a child, well, my heart kind of falls in love really easy! But John thinks it would be a good idea and we will know more. My head agrees, my heart is scared.
We did find out that he is bi-racial and not full African American. That concerns me as six is the limit...unless we go to a group home license which is a whole other topic for another time. I have always felt that Toben needs someone that looks like him in the family. I feel strongly about this. Not saying every family has to have that, but for Toben I think it is necessary. In fact, when I told the boys about this little guy, the first question Toben asked was, "Does he look like me?" When I said he probably looks more like Noah, Toben got sad.
Then one of those moments that makes me love having a large family occurred! I asked Toben why he didn't want him to live with us, and he said because we would just keep getting more and more babies. Noah then turns to him and says, "But if we get more like that family that has all the kids...Mom who are they?" Me: "The Duggars?" Noah: "Yeah, the Duggars, then maybe we can get our own tv show!" Well, yes, that's a reason to have more children! There you have it! The real reason we do this! We are after our own reality show! NOT! It is so NOT worth it for that! :)
Anyway, we are waiting to hear when we might get to go visit the little guy. Not sure what we are looking for in the visit, other than peace that passes all understanding one way or another. One of my fears and reason for turning the placement down the first time if my fear of me attaching. So it would be nice to talk to his current care givers to see if attachment issues seem to be present. I have my own, don't know if I could handle his and mine. Realizing I have never blogged about that. Need to do that! I didn't bond immediately with either of the boys...Toben took longer than Noah....but I know that is because he was older...I had missed out on more. I mourned those early years that I missed being his mommy!
Visiting also seems like "shopping" for children. I can't tell you how much I disdain that thought! He will only think we are coming for a play date. If we come to mind, pray for us! The future of a little guy, as well as our current children, is riding on this decision. That is a lot of weight to bear! We know God holds the answer, and we are seeking Him with all we have right now to know His plan for this little man!
To be continued.....
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