Heart of Stone

One of the things that God has revealed to me over the past 6 or 7 months is that my heart has become hardened. No one warned me that this was a vocational hazard, and maybe not everyone who deals with poverty and suffering all the time has this problem. But I know many who have shared honestly with me and struggle the same way.

God used the song "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath to reveal this truth about my heart. I had downloaded it on my ipod, but I was always skipping it....almost subconsciously. When I realized what I was doing, I was kind of shocked! The chorus says, "Give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, everything that I keep missing, give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken hearted, the ones that are far beyond my reach, give me your heart for the ones forgotten, give me your eyes so I can see."

I didn't want His eyes! I had seen enough! I am trying my dead level best to do what He has called me to in order to reach the hurting and the portion of humanity I believe He has asked me to impact, and yet, my efforts often leave little or no change. I can't stand to see anymore pain if He is not going to allow me to see more of an impact of my efforts and those working with me in these areas!

Then I would get angry at the "church." If we ALL would see the hurt and be willing to suffer with those who suffer, then there would really be an impact! I know you have heard the statistics before, but with the children in the US foster system, if each church took just ONE child in and adopted him/her, the foster system would be empty! Each church taking just one! Now I know not all children are available for adoption, and as many pointed out on my last post about this, the system is a little dysfunctional and inhibits many who are already stepping up to answer the call from parenting one of these children currently. So maybe some of us need to step up and change the system....ok, that is a post for another time! :)

Back to the topic....a hard heart. The chapter this morning in Dangerous Surrender is called "Deliberate Choice." It hit home! Listen to what Kay Warren says about this: "Here, in the irony of chosen pain, we volunteer to accept a pain we want to do without; we volunteer to be hurt with a hurt we would rather not feel; we volunteer to bear a burden we want very badly not to bear." Am I participating in chosen pain? I would have to say, NO! I let myself understand on a cognitive level the suffering of those that I work with, but I don't let my heart feel it. If I did, I wouldn't want to quit when things got hard! If I truly felt the suffering of my staff in Liberia, I wouldn't whine near as much! I have the easy job! They don't even have an option of quitting. This struggle that I want to keep on an intellectual level is their life! I rarely watch the videos I take of the children when I am in Liberia. I can't. I know they are still there, waiting for their mommies and daddies, and I know I am the link (with God of course!!!) to getting them home. That is a huge burden to bear in my mind, much less in my heart! Then there are the adoptive parents. Their grief and spiritual struggles through this journey of adoption are gut wrenching! Their hearts are being torn out and trampled on...and I know the feeling. I've been there, done that, got the scars! What if I did let myself feel it again? What would that kind of passion do to the work I do? How much differently would I interact with the officials I speak to, how would I use the minutes of my day that I will never get back? I intend to find out!

God, my heart is hard. But I know there are cracks! I pray that you would bust open the stone around my heart so that I can suffer with those you have called me to walk with. I am making the choice today to willingly accept the pain of those children in this world who are suffering due to horrific things done by adults or just the circumstances of this fallen world. I choose to accept the hurting hearts of adoptive parents with empty arms longing to hold their sons or daughters that they thought would be home months ago. I choose to not take a victim's mentality about the hurt, but willingly choose to take on the suffering just as Jesus did when He went to the cross and bore all my sins! Thank you for that example. As I open my heart to the suffering, keep me from becoming bitter or cynical to the world around me and especially to those you have called me to serve. And bring those along side me willing to suffer also so that we can work as one Body serving you to bring what relief we can as we are your hands and feet.