Monday, December 31, 2007

No time to wait....

I went shopping yesterday for the trip, well for Toben specifically! I found myself picking stuff up then putting it back and thinking, I will wait until closer to time to get that only to realize there is no more time to wait! I am amazed at how much blocking out I have done! When those moments come, it hits me like a truck! I have a baby boy coming home! Ok, so the case history still isn't done, but that is one piece of paper! I am traveling in three weeks (less than that now) to pick him up! So at this point the socks, underwear and clothes are no longer a dream or possible waist of time and money, but a necesity! Wow! So I washed the clothes yesterday and am starting to pack suitcases. I am determined not to procrastinate and be stressed out and sick before I leave! Since I have not emotionally experienced this adoption up to this point, I want to enjoy every second of the preparation process to travel! So the journey doesn't begin when I get on the plane, but rather right now! From now on, I am determined to enjoy the journey! Feel free to send me this post when I am whining later about part of the journey!

God's Perspective of Pain and Death

Thank you for all the encouraging comments and e-mails about the struggles with my family on our adoption! It really helps just to know others understand! I wish it wasn't so common a problem, but it is.

I had a great time with God this morning on just this issue. I am doing a Bible study that has a lot of self-reflection in it....YUCK! But it is good to dig up my issues and deal with them! This Bible study talks a lot about life and death..not literally, but more emotionally and physically. Death being the things that we see in our lives that cause pain and life being the things in our lives that bring happiness and joy. Of course, our human nature is to avoid all things that bring pain! But as I read in Romans this morning (a scripture I have read many times), I saw that God has such a different perspective of pain and death than I do! Melissa Haas says, "Love may be the universal language, but pain is the universal motivator.....Pain can be a good teacher and a tool in the Redeemer's hands for our good."

Let me make a distinction here. There are two kinds of pain and death as a Christian. One is a pain and death that I experience when I sin. When I turn my back to God and walk in a way that is not pleasing to him, then I will experience pain. The Bible clearly states that sin is death. The pain I experience in these times is a result of something I have done and is meant to turn me around and walk the other way....towards God. This is the same concept I use to discipline my children. If they do not follow my directions, there is a consequence that I hope is painful (not necessarily physically!) enough to keep them from doing that action again. But there is another pain in my Christian walk. There is a pain that God allows to refine who I am. To teach me to lean on Him more and more. It is the result of no negligence or ill doing of my own. This type of pain is the most difficult for me. Coming from a legalistic background, I have a core belief (a false belief by the way) that all pain is a result of my negligence in some way or another. If I am hurting it is because I did something that God disagreed with. If I am happy, then I must be right in the middle of God's will. Romans 6:14 dispels this false belief: "for you are not under the law but under grace."

As I have gone through life over the past 10 years, I have tried to avoid pain/death at all costs..natural, right? Yet not possible in the life of a Christ follower seeking to grow. God makes it clear in Romans 6 that death/pain brought about in the pursuit of God is in fact LIFE! .....therefore we have been buried...in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we might walk in newness of life.....if we become united with Him in death, certainly we will also be in the likeness of His resurrection....if we have died with Christ, we believe that we should also live with him.... so to there is no way to avoid pain altogether. The only pain/death I should purposely avoid is that caused by sin.

My problem with that is my core belief that pain means I have done something wrong. So when I decide to adopt a little boy from Africa and my family and even some friends make it clear they believe this is a irresponsible, plain stupid thing to do, I immediately question my own motives and start thinking I must be doing something wrong! But according to those scriptures in Romans, I am just experiencing death with Christ in order to share in His life! The life that this world will NEVER understand....they can't! I must realize at these times that the pain is not from my own actions, but from God refining me and run to Him to hide under His wings and to cling to Him just like my kids cling to me when they are scared! To align myself with Him...to find my security, satisfaction, joy in Him.

Boy that is so easy to see and to type, but oh so hard to do! When my parents react the way they do to me leaving my three to go get the one, I immediately feel like a worthless parent, I questions all my motives and fear raises up in me that the three will have to suffer way too much for the one. But the truth is that Matthew 18:12 says that a good shepherd will leave the 99 on the hill to go find the ONE that wandered off. And the truth is I would leave any number of my children to go find whichever ONE needs me! And that is what makes a good parent.

So this has to mean that the pain of my parent's/friends reactions is a pain that God is using to motivate me to draw closer to Him, to know Him more, to find rest, peace and joy in HIM! More of Him and less of me!

So my prayer this morning is that God would give me HIS perspective on pain and death! That I would willingly be crucified so that I can be raised with Him. That he would give me the wisdom to know when pain is a result of sin and when pain is just a result of Him growing me.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Deed is done...and it turned out as expected!

I asked my parents to watch the children in the evenings and spend the night with them. The conversation went something like this:
Me: We have decided that John is going to Liberia with me.
Mom: Oh dear (in a tone that would make you think I had just told her that I had a terminal illness!). Why did you decide to do that?
Me: For me. I have way too much to do for the agency to go and just be mom. I could go as a mom or as an agency director, but I just can't do both. It is really emotional to be adopting and it would really help me to have that support.
Mom: I just don't know, HollyAnn. That is a lot and I just don' t know if we can. Let me check our calendar and talk to dad.
Me: We will hire someone to take care of Ava during the day and pick the kids up from school. So you would just be on duty from 5:15 or so in the evening until whenever you tell me you need to be free in the mornings. John's parents will take them on weekends.
Mom:It is just a lot, but we will talk about it.
Me: (trying to stay calm) If you don't think you can handle it, just let me know and I will find someone to help us. I don't want you to be here with the kids if it is going to be too much for you. It will be stressful enough for them having both parents out of the country.
Mom: Let me see what we can do. I hate for you to hire someone during the day for Ava when we are there (ok, let me think about this...it's too much to be with them in the evenings/night, but now you are telling me that you will keep Ava during the day?! huh???)
Me: well, just let me know and I will be looking for someone else in the mean time.

You know, one of my adoptive parents had a significant statement in one of her e-mails a few weeks ago. She said that satan doesn't have to worry about us Christians because we are killing each other off...this after she had been discouraged by another Christians comments about her adopting. I couldn't agree more with that statement in many ways, and in my world, I need to look no further than my own family to be ripped to shreds! ugh! I love them, but just wish they understood me more! Understood my motiviation is the Reknown of God, not my own gain or to drive them nuts!

After my late night last night, I am headed to bed a little early!

PS~If you are wondering what happened to my time line and my links....so am I! I tried to change my blog lay out at 1:30 this morning (that is just a bad idea!) and when I did, I lost all of that and the layout didn't work! So I will have to look up my dates and rebuild it!

Wide awake!

Well it is 12:25 and I am wide awake! The kids are at John's parents, and I should be enjoying a night of uninterupted sleep, but I can't go to sleep! Layed in bed for over an hour before giving up and getting up. Have done some laundry, worked on the budget, and then decided I might as well post my to-do list (at least as it stands now) for the next three weeks as I prepare for the trip. I figure that is probably what is keeping me up, so I might as well focus on it for a minute, then maybe I an get some sleep!
*check on what shots I need to renew
*call dr's office and order shots
*go get shots
*get Rx for Toben in case he gets sick
*make an adoption DVD that is needed when counseling birth parents
*copy and pack all needed documents to file the I600 and I864
*make sure families have all their papers also
*copy documents needed for in county like court decree
*get cash (all bills must be marked 2000 or after)
*buy clothes for Toben
*buy shoes for Toben
*develop check list for cases in Liberia for better communication
*develop spread sheet for Liberia
*make sure the kids are covered for care during the time we are gone
*make sure John and I have enough summer clothes for the trip
*buy shoes
*learn how to operate the new camera
*shop for the week we are gone for Callie, Noah and Ava
*leave presents for them to open while we are gone to make them feel special
*send out invitations to Callie's early b-day party since we are going to be gone
*plan/shop for party
*have the birthday party
*set up bunk beds
*buy flannel sheets for beds
*clean out Noah's room/closets to make room for Toben's things
*clean out girls' closets to make room to store the things now stored in Toben's closet (anyone out there a good organizer?!)
*hang the boys curtains and wall decos so he comes home to a finished room (yes we have lived here almost 6 months, but I just finished painting Noah's room last week)
*pack - that is a whole other list!

Just writing that list made me tired...now mabye I can sleep!
Good night!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Recipes wanted.....

I hate meal planning! I am trying very hard to turn my family's eating habits around. If any of you blog friends have good recipes that are healthy and kid friendly, I would love for you to share! I find that most of my meal ideas are not all the healthy! I really struggle with getting enough veggies and fruits in the menu that my kids will eat. I have unintentionally raised very picky eaters, and I want to change that as soon as possible!

So any suggestions would be great!

Still waiting.....part two!

Still waiting for the case history. He was supposed to talk to the ministry today, but I didn't hear how it went. Almost scared to ask! We are proceeding as if he will be coming home! John is going with me! YEAH!!! Not sure what we are going to do with the kids for sure yet, but asking God to provide for them in a way that will make it easy on them. I am having all kinds of fears about leaving them now, but I know John going is best for many reasons!

So we are still waiting and praying that the case history will be at the Embassy by January 22!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The walls are up!

I haven't posted in a couple of days because I really didn't know what to post. It has been a tough week. All these thoughts ramble around in my head, but none seem to be coherent enough to share! I know you find that hard to believe since I did get word from the Embassy that we have an appointment which means she will declare him an orphan.....but we still have to have all the paperwork there before that can happen! I talked to Pastor Wesley on Thursday morning (actually we were having serious conversation about my definition of updates and his) when I find out that Toben's case history that is needed for the file at the Embassy was not picked up on Tuesday like I had assumed since he told me that is what he would be doing. I didn't follow up and found out in that conversation that they wouldn't give it to him. Officials in Liberia can change the rules in the middle for no reason, and we have little recourse.....so Pastor Wesley didn't see it as a big deal. He says, come anyway and we will have it....glad he is so certain! I don't always share that certainty. I would probably tell another family I wanted them to wait until we have it in hand to make plane reservations, but since it is our case, I am going ahead with travel plans trusting God to provide the paper before we get there! So please pray the Ministry of Health will release the case history to Pastor Wesley this coming week so we will know that is taken care of!

That news brought all the walls up that I had started to let down! I have realized how much I have protected myself through this process! I really have not thought about Toben as my son at all. In fact, I feel so detached from the whole thing that I worry I will not have a reaction when I meet him. It will be just like meeting all the children in our children's home there. That is always emotional, but not on a personal level....just on a human with feelings level. I don't want to miss out on the special time because I have too many guards up to protect against hurt. So I am praying that God will help me put down the walls and envision this little boy in my arms so that I am somewhat attached to him before I get there!

John just told me tonight that if we can find someone to watch the children, he will go with me! Woohoo! So big prayer request....that we can find someone! It would be great to have him there, to not be alone in this process..especially with all the work I have to do while I am there. I would love for him to go with me to meet with officials, etc. I will keep you posted on that issue!


Here is a picture of my little guy....I wonder how old he really is? I don't think four, but it is just hard to tell!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

HE'S COMING HOME!!

We FINALLY got an e-mail from the Embassy today. Toben is coming home! Praise God!!! We have our visa appointment set for January 22. This means I will leave January 19. I will be gone for Callie's birthday, but promised a big bash before I leave, and I think she is ok with that.

Now the panic hits! I have nothing ready to travel. Pray for me to get everything done over the next four weeks! The biggest prayer request right now is that our fingerprints that we had done today are processed miraculously fast so that we have our I171H in time to travel.

Off to bake teachers' gifts and dream of a home with FOUR children running around driving me crazy!
Love,
A very happy mommy of FOUR!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Still waiting.....

You would think I would be good at it by now...waiting that is! But I still stink at it! Called the Embassy. Didn't talk to the Consular, but did speak to someone...think it was the officer who schedules the appointments. She said to e-mail in order to schedule them. I told her I had already sent an e-mail, but didn't usually have very good luck with e-mails. I asked her when I should expect a response and she said maybe to the end of the day. I know you are going to find this hard to believe, but I didn't hear back from them! So I will call in the morning again! So keep praying, please!!!

John and I are driving to Lubbock for our fingerprints tomorrow. This is the last step of the INS process here and means we should have our I171H in 2-4 weeks...another prayer request! :) We have to have that before we can travel. I am trusting God to work together all these little details into the perfect timing for Toben Obadiah to come home......I love it when God puts me in these positions....ok maybe love is a strong word, but He puts me where I have no choice to show me what He, the author and perfector of my faith, can do!

so far so good....

I talked to Pastor Wesley this morning and so far, it sounds like it
all went well! He said the interview was short and she didn't say
anything she doesn't normally say. You have to LOVE Africans non-
interest in details! He didn't ask if it was all ok, but assumed since
she said it wasn't that it is. So I always hold my breath until I talk
to the Consular myself. Tried already, but they don't put calls
through to the Consular section until 2 there, which is 8 here....so I
am about to try to call! So keep praying, but sa far, so good!

awake and waiting.......

It's 5 am here, which means it is 10 am there. That should mean one of our biological parents is sitting before the Consular right now. I woke up at 4:50 and sat up straight in bed! I have been praying like crazy ever since! Oh how I wish I was there to know what was going on....but since I am not, I must trust......not so good at that these days.....back to my knees!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Scared to death!

In six and a half hours Toben's birth parents will be heading to the Embassy to have their interview with the Consular and I am scared to death! I know all the right answers, "God is in control", "whatever happens is in His will and for the best", "God is good all the time", "He has my best interest (and Toben's) at heart". But you know, the bottom line is tomorrow could have the same out come as Eden. There could be some refining God needs to do in me and will use a bad out come to do it. And frankly, I feel like I have been in the fire long enough that there are only ashes left as it is. I have done a good job of staying disconnected from Toben until last Wednesday. I started thinking about him coming home...started mentally preparing for that. Now if he doesn't get to come home, I will be heart broken...again!

But more than that, I have taken a journey to believe that God is good in this process...hence the name Toben. And my biggest fear is that this time tomorrow, if the news is not good, I will feel a wedge between me and my best friend, Jesus! That if the news is not what I want it to be, I will be flung head long again down that path of doubt and unbelief that I have spent the last 2 and a half years crawling out of step of grace by step of grace! Not that my lack of faith, trust or belief changes the truth that God is good and He is faithful, but when you are a human in the middle of heart break, that is just hard to swallow! I wish I could say I am mature enough to take a lickin' and keep on tickin', but I am not there yet!

I was listening to the radio while I was finishing painting Ava's room tonight. I heard the song, "Send the Rain" on the radio. It says to send the rain, send whatever it takes to bring Him glory. I wish I could sing that and mean it, but I can't. If bringing him glory means losing another child, I would rather have my child. On some level, I want Him to be glorified over anything else, or I would be on the paths in life that I am on right now, but to honestly say I would give up my child for Him yet again, I'm just not that mature yet.

So I pray He doesn't ask me to do that again! I pray that tomorrow I am woken by the ringing telephone to tell me all the Embassy interviews are over and all went well. That is one 4:30 am phone call I will not mind! ;)

But if the results are not good and Toben is not declared an orphan, my bigger prayer is that God will hold me up so that I can say, He is a good God and mean it from the heart! My biggest prayer is that sometime between now and when the news hits, I will have an undivided heart that longs for God's glory over any specific outcome! Oh God, bring Toben home........ yet not my will, but thine be done!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Shouting from the rooftop!

If this day gets any better, I will explode! Yesterday was one of the worst days I can remember, then today one of the best! I like today better!

Started off by having to call the Consular at the US Embassy which is one of the most frustrating tasks I have to do in life! After a week of trying to make contact, I finally am able to talk to her after losing it with the third person I talked to in the office. I really think she was convinced I was going postal and could get to her through the phone line! The Consular was very nice and appreciative of the way we handle our cases and we were able to set an appointment for Tuesday (Dec 18) for Toben's bio parents to come in and be interviewed. This is the last step for his process!

Then I call the local INS office whom I have not heard from them and the time frame they say to wait has lapsed! I explained that the Liberian government had everything ready to go and Toben would be ready to come home next Tuesday if all goes will with the Embassy. The officer was wonderful! Sent me the papers to get our fingerprints. Then when I checked e-mail this evening, saw that he had e-mailed again and wants me to e-mail him when we have done the finger prints so that he can be looking for them because he has reviewed our file and all is well!

Then to top it off, I got even MORE pictures of Eden! I tell you, it just doesn't get any better! Well, maybe a little better, John ended my day by bringing me flowers when he came home from work and taking me to dinner! Just a perfect day! Thank you, God!

So please pray with me that Toben's bio parents show up on Tuesday and answer all the questions of the Consular accurately. They have been through this process already when Toben's older brother was adopted in October. So I am fairly confident, but still a whole lot scared!

I realized today that I have not pictured Toben home....I have not played the home movies in my mind of walking off the plane with him in my arms...I did that for the first time this afternoon and the tears came in a flood! It may really happen this time! I just might have that little dark face in my family portrait that I have dreamed of! Oh God, let it be!

These are some pictures of pictures that my new and dear friend Kami took of pictures her friend took when she was in Liberia a couple of months ago. Kemi's friend went and saw Toben and loved on him for me. She said he had just woken up from a nap so hence the confused, sad look on his face! Thanks Kami for the pics!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Here she is!



I could hardly breath when I opened the e-mail and saw there were two from Sheku with attachments! I have new pictures of Eden.....after over two years, I get to see this precious face again! She is the one with the pencil looking right at the camera. She looks exactly the same! I would know that face anywhere! The last time I saw her was when they ripped her off my kneck to get on the helicopter. I thought I would be back in a couple of days to bring her home...that was two and a half years ago! The mommy in me wants to get on a plane tomorrow and start the process to try again! But I am calm. I am praying and listening for the answer. Just because we might CAN adopt her, doesn't mean we SHOULD! God has plans for her! Plans for a hope and a future, I just have to hear if that means being in our home or not. But at the very least, I know she is alive, in school and looks great!

Her dad only has one leg. The other was amuptated after an infection set in. He is in the hospital with an infection in the other leg, pneumonia and typhoid. Sheku says he has been there 8 months. He is going to see him to see what his thoughts are on the adoption. Sheku says the grandmother and uncle who is helping care for her right now are for the adoption. But you just never know. We still don't know the real story on the mother...is she dead, did she just abandon them? So I asked for clarification for that. We will see what we find out!

I really covet your prayers! We just want to walk in God's will on this! But I am so thankful He gave me another glance into her beautiful eyes! It is just unreal!

Monday, December 10, 2007

O Christmas Tree.....








John says I have a Christmas tree fetish...maybe he is right! I am not sure how it got started, but ever since Callie was a baby all the kids have had a small theme tree in their room to match the theme of their room. This is the first year that there are not trees even in the bathrooms! I make no excuses for my obsession! I LOVE Christmas and the warm feeling I get when it is cold outside and I am inside with all the Christmas lights on and my children beside me watching Elf!
The main tree........

















Ignore the half painted walls behind this tree! It will be done before Chrsitmas because my brother and sister in law are coming and I don't want them to see the room this way!
Noah's Cowboy tree....



Ava's Pink and Brown tree.....






Callie's Hawaiian tree (hard to see in these pics, but it has hibiscus flowers and shell ornaments)....






















Will I really see her?

We decided to send the money to have Sheku go to Eden (Freshnatu is her name there). I got this e-mail from him this morning:

I will take the journey today Monday as soon as i collect the money. hope to be back today but later when i come baack.hope to get you inform with details.I will ask the questions so as to get early clearance from the family of freshnatu.

English is a little sketchy, but you get the drift! I could possibly see her picture tomorrow morning when I wake up! I don't get my hopes up too much and am surprinsingly calm. But we covet your prayers so that we will know God's will in this! If His plan for her is to stay in SL, then that is where she needs to be. But if this is an open door to fufill a promise I thought I heard God tell me over two years ago, then I want to run through that door and swoop her up! This is when I wish I had a hand writing the exact instructions appearing on my wall!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....




I love Christmas! I have wonderful memories of magical times and I want to give my kids that. I know the real reason of Christmas is not Santa Clause or Christmas trees, but I love to turn my house into a Christmas wonderland as much as I can. So here is a glimpse of our home at Christmas......




My Liberian nativity that I love!



The dining room that we just finished! The wall with the mirror on it is the one that John built!





My Reindeer collection


Our village that we started collecting the first year we were married...well technically we didn't get married until the 27th! That was TEN years ago this month! Miracles do happen! hee!hee!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Gets cuter with every picture....


Got a new picture of Toben today! I swear he gets cuter with every picture I see! He is just too precious! I had to blow up the picture to see what his shirt said...it says, "sweet dreams" which means he is wearing pajamas! Anything goes in a third world country! Callie and I got a good laugh out of it! :)




Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Home is where my heart is......

This world is not my home.....that has really been driven home (no pun intended, I assure you!) the past two weeks. Even among those that I would consider my close friends, I am misunderstood when I stand up for what I believe is truth. I am a very black and white person and take a stand when I believe God is asking me to. I am finding that is a rare trait among most American Christians and will quickly get you ousted from the inner circle. That is easy to take form non-Christians as I know they don't understand the truth and God's word is clear that they will not understand what is spoken in the spirit. But it hurts so much worse when it comes from people who you would consider to be on the same team.

I e-mailed one of my spiritual mentors today and said I am just so lonely, but added that I guess the cross was pretty lonely too. The calling we have as Christians is not one of glory for us or comfort or even being happy. I am finding the road very rarely leading to my happiness, but yet there is a joy....a joy of knowing I am walking with Christ. I am finding that on days like today I cling to Him in a way that I never have before. Even my dearest friends at times will hurt me because they are human. This means that I too will hurt my dear friends because I am human, but there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me! He will always work for my good! Do you know Him? If not, let me tell you, He is worth the time to get to know! It is the one relationship that will always give back more than it takes! If you don't know my Jesus, I would love to introduce you!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Could it really be????





I e-mailed Sheku, the one guy that I really 'connected' with when I was in Sierra Leone. He told me his personal story of being an orphan, and I could tell it was real. He was the only one I really trusted by the time it was all over. I e-mailed to see if he knew anything about Eden. I sent the e-mail sometime last week so had pretty much given up on getting a response. But today there was one! Eden's dad had to move because he couldn't find a job where he was. He only has one leg because of an infection that caused him to have to amputate his other leg. I met him while I was there, so I know this to be true! Her Grandmother is still caring for her as far as I can tell, but she is not in school anymore because they cannot afford it.

Sheku said he would check on her if I would send him the money to make the trip and rent a camera and he would send me pictures....could I really see her again after more than two years? What does she look like? Will I recognize her....more importantly, will it be obvious that she is the right child? You always have to wonder a little about that!

Over the past two weeks, Sierra Leone has come up from different areas of my life like crazy. I don't know if God was preparing me for this or for the possibility of us starting a program there. A fellow mom with an adoption ministry sent me an e-mail from a Pastor in Sierra Leone who contacted her about placing children from his home with families. She is doing some more checking, but so far he looks legit. If so, then Eden could stay at this orphanage during the process. There are many pieces that have been put in front of me that would make her adoption possible, IF this is what God tells us to do. So that is the hard part! Is this really an open door and God saying its time for her to come home? Or is this just me trying to force something that is never supposed to be? We are home study approved for two. So we would not have to do anything except change one of our INS approvals to SL. We would be set to go!

I am surprisingly calm! I think it is because I know this is in God's hands! I am ok with that this time! He is worthy of anything He would ask me to go through with this! So I will sit, wait, be still and know that He IS GOD!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Thanksgiving...a little late

Here are the pictures I said I would post of Thanksgiving, but never did! I really didn't take enough pictures of thanksgiving. But here are a couple for you! :)

...just realized I haven't uploaded those pictures yet...stay tuned a little longer!

Like Mother Like Daughter

Ava received some gift cards from my brother and his wife for her birthday. After we found them again :) I went to Toys R Us to see what we could find. I picked out a couple of cute outfits then went down the toy isles. I remembered that she has been stealing Callie's baby dolls, so decided to go buy her one of her own like Callie's. When we got to them, she went nuts pointing and doing her ah, ah, thing she does (since we still have no vocabulary!). I put three of them in front of her. A white one with blue eyes like her, a white one with green eyes and a black one with brown eyes. She immediately grabbed the black one and pushed the others away! I have always said that God put the love of dark children in my heart from an early age! Both of my girls love their black dolls more than any others! I think that is just the coolest! So here are some pics of Ava loving her baby! I can't wait to post pics of mommy loving her dark little boy to go along with my girls loving their dark babies! ;)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Fulfilled Promise......

I struggle so much with God's promises. I know the Bible says that you can ask anything in His name and you will receive it, and I understand that means it has to be something you have asked because He has initiated it in you for that to hold true. But I know there are things I have asked for when I was walking closer than ever to God and it didn't happen...at least not the way I thought God told me it would. I am really not a name it and claim it type person, but I want to be able to stand firm on God's promises and not waiver. Once again, the word 'balance' comes into play! There is a theme in my life this year!

I got a new Bible because thanks to Ava there was no "in the beginning"....Genesis was gone and the spine was hanging off. I hate getting a new Bible. It is like saying good bye to a best friend. I am a huge note taker, so my Bible is filled with notes of where God has spoken to me and scriptures that have encouraged, convicted or comforted. So I was transferring some of those notes to my new Bible. And I came across so many answered prayers and fulfilled promises. I realized I need to do more laying of stones of remembrance and then revisiting them! I don't do that enough!

So I want to share this with all of you readers. On November 21, 2006, I marked Psalm 37:34 that says, "Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land." I had just underlined it, put Liberia in the margin and dated it. That was right at one year ago. We had two families (our first two for Liberia) in process. We were waiting on paper work. Nearing the end of one and just starting the other which was scary for me because I really wanted to have one totally finished before we involved another family to make sure we knew what we were doing (hows that for comforting for those of you adoptive families reading this! :) ). But I had felt very convicted that God said to walk by faith and find a family for twin baby girls that had been brought to our home (fast forward to April 2007 and both of those families came home with their children! Praise God!). Ok, I digress....back to the scripture. I knew when I read it that with our work in Liberia, I just needed to wait on the Lord and keep His ways (do what He said!) and he would do the rest! We would "inherit" the land of Liberia in that the orphans of that country would be placed in families through our work. Now, exactly one year later, as I read that, we have 22 families adopting 37 children in progress and 12 children already home with their Chrtstian families! I had to just stop and Praise God when I realized that! I don't dwell on our "success" often because frankly it scares the pants off me to think about being responsible for that many lives! And it is not my responsibility anyway! I just have to walk in obedience every day, and God does the rest....so it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him! It is His success story...not mine to boast of anyway! But just reading that gave me so much encouragement as I feel He is about to ask us to step out in some new directions to help orphans in different places as well as possibly here in the US through the foster system. I wonder where I will find the time, how will I make it all work....and then I remember these words, "wait for the Lord and keep His way"! I don't have to have it figured out! I just do what he asks today and wait for Him! Wow that is freedom in Christ!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Sick Camera

My sweet husband surprised me earlier this year with a fancy digital Rebel camera from Canon. However, it has never worked right. So I have had to send in my baby to get fixed. Therefore, I have no way to post pictures which makes me sad because my Christmas decorations are up and this is my favorite time of year. Hopefully we will have it back before Chrsitmas or I will be really sad! So I guess I will take this time to post some older pictures that I never got up here. So stay tuned for some favorite memories from the archives! :)

Monday, November 26, 2007

What's her name?

This weekend Callie, Noah and I were watching a new Christmas movie I had bought at the Christian store called The Christmas Child. It turned out to be about a man who had been adopted and goes back to look for his birth family to know his story. I got kind of nervous when I realized that and Noah was sitting next to me, so I said a quick prayer that he wouldn't hear anything to disturb him and if he didn't need to see it that I would know that and turn the tv off. I felt that making a bigger deal about it by turning off the tv would be worse, so we watched. Noah didn't pick up on too much for the most part, but when they told the man his records were sealed, Noah asked what that meant. So I told him and assured him that was not how they do things now and that we have information for him. We watched a few more minutes, and then he said, "What was her name?" By this time, my mind had moved on and I didn' t know what he was talking about! So I said, "Whose name?" To which he replied, "My nother mother" So I told him. He said, "That is pretty" and that is all that was said.

Those conversations leave me with so many questions! What is he thinking?! Did I give him enough information? Did I give him too much information? Noah has been told that he was adopted from the beginning. Obviously adoption is a huge part of our lives, so before Ava came along, sometimes I think Callie felt neglected because she isn't adopted! But Noah is starting to ask more questions about his birth mother. He never asks about his birth father, which is interesting to me. I always try to just answer the questions and not give too much additional information and see what he does with it. But for him to be asking those questions, I know he is thinking about it. His teacher (another adoptive mother) said he told the class the other day that he was adopted when they were talking about a story they read. She got emotional telling me that he was so proud and so secure in the fact that he shared it just like everyone is adopted! That made me feel good and I think of that when I start worrying that his questions mean he is having issues. Sometimes I hate all the information out there that tells you your child WILL have issues with being adopted! That is just not true! He could have issues, but so will Callie and Ava. So I need to quit worrying, answer the questions and be thankful his birth mother gave him life and gave me the chance to live life with him! I can't imagine my life with out my little No-no! I love you, son!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

White as snow....

I have always loved the phrase "white as snow", but here in West Texas, we don't get much of that! I am sitting here typing watching the huge flakes fall to the already snow covered ground! I love it! As we drove to church this morning, I was in awe of the white covering all the surfaces. It was gorgeous! Such an awesome reminder that God, because of his huge sacrifice, washed me white as snow...my ugly inside that craves the world more than him most of the time, is beautiful white because Jesus left the comfort of heaven and walked this earth only to die for me....he did this knowing that I would mess up so many times, yet he did it anyway! My mind truly can't grasp a love so deep and full.

Our dear friend Mike Goeke spoke at church this morning. His sermon should be up on the website after Tuesday at www.stonegate.com. Check it out! He reminded us that God has given us a voice. As I contemplate being washed white as snow, I know I don't fully grasp that love because I don't use my voice enough! I don't share the hope of Christ with EVERY person I meet. I don't even share it with intimate people in my life that I know are hurting. I don't share because I am afraid....afraid they will reject my message, afraid they will think I am a freak, afraid I may not truly believe what I am saying so I shouldn't speak....yet Jesus, so afraid he sweat blood, yet he did it anyway. So should I! Mike reminded us that we don't need a government or a society to validate my Christianity. Laws may ban the 10 commandments, but they haven't stopped me from loving the cashier who checks out my groceries and sharing the love and hope of Christ with her. So why don't I? The stores that say "happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" probably need Jesus the most, so why would I ban them when I the opportunity to enter them and spread the love of Jesus to anyone else I meet in that store?

So this week, I am looking for opportunities to share God's love to the people in my life....those I know intimately and those that He places in my path! I want everyone to know the hope of being washed white as snow no matter what lies underneath the layer of white!

Friday, November 23, 2007

I'm dreaming of a white Thanksgiving???



Well, we rarely get snow down here! But it turned cold (after being 85 degrees just a couple of days ago) and dumped huge white snowflakes all day Thursday! It was wonderful! We had John's parents, brother, sister and her boyfriend along with my mom and dad all over. It was so warm and cozy inside with all the cold outside! I LOVED it! We have huge picture windows in front of our house, and we just watched it fall. I had to go outside and get a picture to document this because it will probably be 80 on Christmas!


But we enjoyed it while it was here! You know, I didn't get very many pictures this Thanksgiving! I am usually a real shutter bug, but this year I guess I just enjoyed the moments instead of stressing about capturing them on film! See, John, I am learning! :)


So here is our white Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

List of Thanks.....

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays! This year I was more sentimental than most with one of my children half way around the world! Yet, even with that, today was a day that I know I am blessed beyond measure and I truly felt it! So many times I look around at people who have more, more things, nicer clothes, better family life, but today I truly felt that I was the richest and happiest person around! I like this feeling! :)

So as many bloggers have done over this past week, here is my list of things that make my Thanksgiving list for 2007!

  • I have a Lord and Saviour who never gives up and me and is full of grace and mercy!

  • I have three healthy children and one more who will be here soon!

  • I will be celebrating 10 years of marriage in a month! John and I have had our rough times when I didn't think we would make it and honestly, didn't want to make it! But God always put me in a position where I could not leave, and I am so thankful! To think I would have missed out on life with John and my family in tact makes me ill! John and I still have our issues as all marriages do, but I am so excited about what the future holds and am so thankful we took our marriage vows seriously and we have both toughed out the storms! I love you, John!

  • We have seen 12 children come from Liberia to America to be in loving Christian homes.

  • I have a beautiful home that has an empty bedroom! :)

  • I have wonderful inlaws who are my biggest cheerleaders!

  • I was able to host BOTH sides of the family for Thanksgiving! I know we are blessed to be able to do that for many reasons. Our families have not always been able to be in the same room at one time, but they have put their differences aside for the sake of John, me and our children and I am so thankful! What a blessing to sit around a table with all the most important people in my life and share a meal and memories!

  • Wonderful friends who understand my calling to adoption and walk this crazy journey with me!


There are so many more things, but I guess I will stop there so that I can get to bed.....have to be at my first store at 4:00 am! :) I have my list made and my strategy in place! Now I need to get some rest so I will be conscious when I am shopping....stat tuned to later posts for pictures of our rare white Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My little pilgrim!



Noah had a Thanksgiving feast at school today. I took squash casserole. I had never made a squash casserole, but I can't say that now! :) He was so excited to see me at his school and doing something for his class. He threw his arms around me and said, "Mommy!" My heart of course melted and I thought to myself that I am going to savor these times when he wants me there and is excited that I am involved because way too soon, he will want me to be dropping him off a block from school and pretending I don't know him if our paths happen to cross in the building!


Monday, November 19, 2007

Ty Pennington has nothing on MY carpenter!

We moved to our new home in July. One of the deals of us moving just 18 months after we bought our last house was that we were getting out of debt. So the projects on this new house are being paid for in cash! That means they are taking FOREVER!

There were two things I believed that God gave me to look for in a new house. One was a swimming pool and the other was 5 bedrooms. I didn't know why I needed either of those (we love to swim, but with young children a pool is kind of scary), but I felt strongly those two things would be in the house we moved to. When we found this house, it had a pool, but only 4 bedrooms....huge rooms, but still only 4. Yet I knew this was the house God had for us. So when I was laying in bed one night during the FOREVER time it took to sale our other house, it hit me where the 5th bedroom was. This house had 3 living rooms and a small formal dining. The way it was set up, we could easily turn that formal dining in to the fifth bedroom and take the front living area as a formal dining. But that would require building a wall and knocking a whole in another wall. Since we can't afford to hire it out, that meant doing it ourselves. Now you have to understand that when we got married, John couldn't even paint a door because he refused to let the paint dry inbetween coats and didn't understand why his paint kept peeling off! But that was almost 10 years, 8 houses (1 being a 100 year old farm house that we redid) and many projects ago!



So this is the work in progress. This is the hole he cut. He made me take the first whack during demo which I thought was so sweet until I realized that he did that so that when I griped about us starting this big project right before we have BOTH families at our house for Thanksgiving, he could say, "But you are the one who put the whole in the wall!"


He has now trimmed out the cut out and WE (yes, I layed laminate floor!) layed the floor today. Tomorrow we have to finish painting and load in the room. Then we will be done! Well except for the crown molding, but that will come in a week or two. So after we get it done, I will post the "after" picture. But here are the pictures of the hole in the wall! It was a little scary! No turning back at this point!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Cool layout!

Evidently there are people talented enough to make really cool blog layouts! I am not one of them! This is courtesy of *Matie Kay*. Isn't it cool?! Makes blogging much more fun! Thanks Lila for introducing me to her site! If anyone else wants to check it out here it is: http://matiekay.blogspot.com/ I am sure there is a way to make her name the link, but I don't even know how to do that!

Why I do it......

I lifted this quote off a new friends website. Jody and her husband are leaving tomorrow for Sierra Leone to go to court for the adoption of beautiful twins. Here is the link: ttp://landersadoption.blogspot.com/ We have e-mailed back and forth several times. Has opened some old wounds, but that is good. It is time to deal with what I have stuffed and truly move on! But this quote says so much about why I do what I do!

“As far as I am concerned, the greatest suffering is to feel alone, unwanted, unloved. The greatest suffering is also having no one, forgetting what an intimate, truly human relationship is, not knowing what it means to be loved, not having a family or friends.” (Mother Teresa)

This is why I spend hours on the computer asnwering e-mails to families, this is why I answer the phone at 4:00 am to hear about the latest update in Liberia, this is why when a news story says they are having a hard time finding foster families, I immediatly want to sign up, this is why I am bringing home a precious little boy when many think my plate is already too full! What I am most loooking forward to in heaven is that there will be no forgotten children! All children will be loved, running and playing with full bellies and full hearts! I can't wait!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Faith....

This Bible study I am doing by Jennifer Kennedy Dean called Living a Praying Life is pretty well undoing me! I think in a good way, but some days I wonder! Those of you who know me know that I have really struggled with God since the failed adoption of Eden. About the time I think I have it together, God peals back another layer...this morning was one of those times.

This week in the study has been on faith. She talks about how we have physical senses that tell us what is around us in this world and "prove" our beliefs here. We have all heard the analogy of the chair and faith. When you sit in a chair you have faith that it will hold you. She took it a step further. She said your belief that the chair can hold you can be challenged by an adversary until you sit in the chair and know for yourself it will hold you! So true! If I am just "believing" something then someone can change my mind....if I have experienced it for myself, they are not going to convince me otherwise. So back to faith. She says that we have spiritual senses that we must exercise to put belief and action to our faith. I see her point and got excited at first...then it hit me that the time I most exercised my faith and walked the closest with God....going against all worldly wisdom and looking far past earthly circumstances.......the unseen thing I was certain on because of faith and belief, didn't happen. In fact, it caused great heartache, financial difficulty and marriage issues. Knowing that, I am supposed to want to go back to that place? I know the godly and spiritual answer is yes! But I have a lot of flesh in me that is screaming, NO! Why isolate yourself in that way again and feel the criticizm of those around you (even some of my closest Christian friends) to walk by faith in that way? I know the answer is because God is asking me to and that should be enough! Oh how I wish I were mature enough to accept that and just go on! God increase my faith! Help my unbelief! Open my spiritual eyes so I can see and my spiritual ears so I can hear and will believe so that no one can change my mind!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Love the Lord with everything.....

So three times now in the past 48 hours I have had Deuteronomy 6 come up. The first time was at a luncheon I went to with my mom and Callie. The speaker challenged us to make Deut 6:5 our family scripture for the seasons. Here is Deut 6:5-9

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

I know when scripture repeats itself like that in my life, I need to take notice. So I have been pondering these verses. What does it really mean to "love my Lord God with all my heart, soul and strength"? Its easy in the quiet of the morning when I am alone with my coffee and God. I can pour out my heart, my soul, my strength and love Him! But then the world, the world I am to live in but not be of, starts to awake. The demands of my family, my home, the adoption ministry begin. What does it look like in flesh and blood form to love God with all my heart, soul and strength through out the day? I don't have the answer to that yet!

The rest of the scripture goes on to say, "these commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts, impress them on your children." I fail so many times at doing that! As my children left this morning, did I ask, "Did you talk to God this morning?" Nope! I said, "Did you make your bed?" Not that making their bed and doing their chores are not important, but what am I really impressing on them? Is it more important to the kingdom that they had their beds made this morning or that I stopped and had a Bible study time with them? That thier hearts were "made" with the will of God for their day?

Tonight before they go to bed, we are going to have a family meeting and talk about this scripture! I will have to confess to my children that I get distracted by this world, but that I want them to know that I long to love the Lord with all that I am and I want them to do the same! I am so thankful that the grace of God covers my shortcomings! Bless my children for being raised with a scattered mother! :)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Moments that make me love motherhood!

So I am pouring Noah some cereal and the conversation goes like this:

Noah: "Can I pour the milk first?"
Me: "No, we need to pour the cereal first."
Noah: "Zack and Cody says it doesn't matter as long as you don't forget the bowl!"
Me: (Dying laughing) "Well, then I guess it doesn't matter!"
Noah: "Then next time I will pour the milk first!"

Lesson here: Noah watches way too much Disney Channel and no need to sweat the small stuff because it doesn't matter as long as you don't forget the bowl!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Do we have a name???



Ok, I think I posted my name a few weeks back. But I had the wrong name. Sometimes I really do wonder about me! :) I had found a name that meant "believing God is good". I found it the night after I had made the commitment to believe that God is good no matter how I "feel". I thought that was so cool. I remembered liking the name, then I went to sleep. I didn't mark the name and when I got up the next morning, I found Tobias, and thought, "You really liked that name???!!!" Well, later John reminded me that it was Toben that I had liked and it has the same meaning.

So we have been discussing this name. Then last Thursday, I felt like God really spoke to me and told me to begin preparing for him to come just like I would for a baby being born, so I got really serious about the name thing. I love the fact that Toben has such great significance...just like when people were named in the Old Testament, he would carry the name of God's journey in my life during our wait for him! So John asked Noah today and Noah thinks we should name him Toben, but call him Ben. So it looks like we MIGHT have a name of Toben "Ben" Obadiah Petree. I'll call him anything if I can just get him home and kiss those cheeks!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Mommy insecurities

I was picking Callie up from school today when one of the other mom's in her class said that she had made her little girl a sweater to look like Gabriella from High School Musical and I would have to tell her if she did a good job making it look like Gabriella's sweater. So my mind starts thinking back....I don't remember Gabriella's sweater, but she must mean something like she put the letter on the sweater to look like the high school letter sweater or something...no one makes a sweater! WRONG! Her daughter comes out in a precious orange sweater....she had crocheted (I can't even spell it!) her daughter a sweater for her Halloween costume! I immediately started beating up on myself for the fact that my poor kids don't ever even get home made cookies much less a crocheted sweater! But I am the mom God gave them, and He made them so I am assuming He will make up for the holes I leave in my children's lives! Because no matter how much balance I have and how hard I try to be Susy homemaker, I don't think...no I KNOW I will never crotchet my girls a sweater!

On top of that, I got some pictures back that I had printed and this was in them! I just laughed and thought, yep, this is the kind of mother my kids have! Look at that hair! We may not have sweaters, but we have a lot of laughs! :)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Random Thoughts from Petree life this week

I am home from church with Ava today as she was puking all day yesterday and we don't want to pass this along to the other children at Stonegate! ;) So I am having cabin fever and since everyone I know is at church, I decided to blog to keep from going nuts!

Ava is feeling much better today as was evident by the completely emptied box of snack baggies that I just picked up off the kitchen floor! Yesterday she didn't leave her daddy's or my lap all day. She was pretty pitiful! Now I pray no one else gets it!

Birds and the bees at 8.........
One of Callie's best friends at school is a boy. This has brought up many interesting conversations at our house. I really kind of like it because boys are not near as dramatic or back-stabbing as girls so we never have issues with this little boy like we do with the girls she is friends with. He is very sweet to Callie and they just have fun! She has been asking if he could come over to play, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I almost felt like eventhough they are friends, he needed to invite her over first. Then I realized that is pretty strange logic for friends! But as much as I hate to admit it, this relationship has me at a loss for what is acceptable and what I should allow! So this week, he asked her to come to his house to play. His mother is a teacher at Callie's school, so I was perfectly comfortable with their family (did I mention his dad assisted on my c-section with Ava before we knew our childrne were in the same class??!!! That is a bit weird! One week he is seeing ALL of me, and a few weeks later, he is sitting in my living room!) Anyway, she went to his house and had a blast. When his mother dropped them off, she said they were talking about spending the night. She told them boys and girls don't usually do that to which her son replied, "It's ok, mom, Callie will shower at her house and I will shower here before she comes over!" We laughed and told them that showers wasn't the only issue! So I guess the boundaries have now been set by both sets of parents...play at each other's house, but no spending the night! I can live with that!

the house.......
We are slowly making progress on the house. Last weekend I finished painting the base coat on Callie's room. I hope to paint palm trees later today. We can FINALLY walk through the front two rooms! That was a huge break through for me! I had a totaly mental block to those two rooms! Now I can work in there and not get totally depressed when I just walk past them. Yesterday , John and I painted the fire place. It really warmed up the living room. There are still so many projects to do that I feel like we will never get done, but I try to remind myself that every completed project is one step closer!

from three to four......
I am so excited that we have progress in Obie's case! But that made me think a lot about life when he comes home. Life is so crazy right now, I can't imagine adding another life to our mix! I want to make sure he has the attention he needs to bond and feel comfortable here in his new home. I can't wait to watch him experience all the new things he will be seeing.....running water, toilets, a closet full of clothes and toys, our church service with loud music and HUGE screnes for him to watch, but I know some of these things will be scary for him also. Will I have the energy to parent four children? Will we be able to afford it? How will I get it all done? But then I remember that the joy of raising children is worth every obstacle and hardship that they bring! Hearing them say, "I love you mommy!" makes it all worth it!

I am sure there are more ramblings I could post from this week, but I better get little bit down for a nap before she destroys the whole house! Along with the snack baggies, she has now emptied a book shelf and her sisters markers and crayons! Yes, she is definitly on the mend! :)

Friday, October 26, 2007

He is a PETREE!!!

I just got the phone call from Pastor Wesley that Obadiah is ours! We have a court decree and he will be sending it to us later today when they have electricity! Wow! I can't wait to lay my eyes on it! Then maybe this will all be more real. Thank you, God for getting us this far so quickly!

Now we really have to settle this name issue! :) John still says no to Obadiah...thank you for the FIFTEEN votes of confidence! But as I predicted 15 to 1 is still not good enough for John! ha! (I love you, Dear!) So we are on the hunt. I found the name Tobias last night. It means "God is good". That is a huge struggle for me right now (believing God is good), but yesterday in a sweet time with God, I made the resolve to believe He is good even though I don't "feel"
like He is good. Then I saw that name. I would love for him to carry that name. But it is definitely not Bob or Jim or Jack! It is a little less common! So we will see what John says. He didn't shoot it down.....not yet anyway! :)

Going to do a happy dance that my little boy is one major step closer to coming home! Praise God!!!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

God's Love is Color-blind

Every since I can remember, I have told people that I wanted to have a child of every color! I LOVED the song "Jesus Loves the Little Children" when I was young. I know God put this passion in my heart at a young age. Well, I was at a friend's birthday party tonight and we were talking with her sister who said they used to tell my friend she was adopted because she has olive skin and they all had fair skin. I light heartedly said my kids don't joke about that because we are a half and half split! Two adopted, two not. Then my friend said to her sister, "they have children of every color." I hadn't stopped to think about it until she said that! I finally have my rainbow family! As soon as Obadiah gets here, we will have light, medium and dark! :)

When we started the adoption process for Eden and Addy, Callie and I talked a lot about all the different "issues". Those of you who know Callie know that she is VERY insightful for a young child! So one day she asked me how come God made her sisters black? I thought that was an interesting way to ask that question and just told her that God doesn't look at our family and see a white sister, a brown brother and two black sisters. He looks down and sees a family, period! She thought a minute and then said, "I guess God's love is color-blind then, huh, Mommy?" At that moment God birthed in me a dream to write a children's book titled God's Love is Color-Blind about a multi-racial family. My one draw back was who would illustrate it? Well, a wonderful artist with a heart for orphans has offered to illustrate it! So I am so excited! Now I just have to write it! :)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Hearing voices....

I called Pastor Wesley today to talk about a couple of things. He had some of the kids in his car with him. I asked him who he had with him (selfishly wondering if it is Obadiah, but it wasn't) and he told them to call out their names. I heard their little voices and nearly cried! Sometimes I disconnect so much from my ministry in that I get caught up in the e-mails and phone calls and "tasks" that I lose touch with the fact that all these tasks are bringing those voices home to be with their mommies who can tuck them in at night and sing over them when they are sick. So tonight I am thinking God for little voices!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Surrender and Release

I am doing a Bible study on prayer with some wonderful much more spiritually mature than me ladies at church! I am loving hearing the wisdom of these ladies who have walked more of life than I have. But honestly, this study has been a real challenge for me. I didn't realize how difficult it has become for me to ask God for anything. I can pray prayers that deepen my relationship with Him, but to ask for anything tangible just seems pointless. There are two major areas of my life where I have suffered great pain because of God not answering my prayers (at least not the way I had it planned out!). I believe His Word, and I know those answers have not been what I wanted because it was for my best and for His glory. But that doesn't mean the pain of the process is any less real or painful!

In my study this morning she talked about prayer lists. This whole study is a shift in paradigm for me in my thoughts of prayer. I was taught that prayer is giving your requests to God and then just seeing if he makes it happen. Kind of a lottery system. But as I study prayer, I see that it is a tool, a conduit as the author says, to bring about God's will on earth as it is in heaven- to make occur in the earthly realm what has already been ordained and spoken in the spiritual realm. Now I know most of you probably got this years ago, but this is a new concept for me, I think! It is really challenging my way of thinking about prayer! Today she said, "Prayer cannot be summed up in a simple two-part equation: my request + God's answer = prayer. Prayer is a process." Then about lists she says, "The date [the day you right down the request] is the day you surrender it to God for His purposes, His ways and His timing." See my dates have always been the day I commanded God and "claimed" his Word over MY timing and my purposes! What a different way to think!

So that brings me to surrender! Sounds so simple! Yet, I am finding it VERY difficult to surrender my prayers to God and release MY will for the situations I am praying. I know that God's ways are best and He can do more than I can imagine (Eden didn't come home, but 12 children have and 29 are in process!), but the pain that comes from being transformed and giving up my desires and my plans for God's will and the outcome that will do the most for his kingdom and His glory just flat out scares me! I don't want to suffer pain. I don't want to feel disappointed or have to walk through the valley to get to the mountain! But that is what I have to do! Surrender even if it means pain.....being content to be in God's will and being in relationship with Him! Trusting God! Oh how I wish that was easy for me! It used to be, but now when I try to surrender, I hear the voice of the enemy reminding me of the pain that could bring and how God 'disappointed' me before.

God, teach me who you are more every day so that trusting you is easy! Rid me of the flesh that desires my will over yours, that wants comfort over your glory! Transform me and draw me close! Thank you that you never change and that you never leave me nor forsake me! Show me how to release my will and surrender to Yours!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

vent.........

Sometimes working in Africa is just a royal pain! Yes, I know this is my calling and callings are not always easy (seldom easy, actually). But this morning has been filled with frustrations! First off, just I started my day praying over my schedule because this was one of those days that had more things to do than time would allow! So I wanted to make sure God was the one ordering my steps and not me. One of the things I knew I had to do was call the Consular's office in Liberia to ask about a case with a new little boy in our orphanage. After finally getting through to the Embassy, TWICE I was disconnected when whoever in they transfered me to in the Consular's office picked up the phone. If I was calling the US, no big deal, but I'm calling Africa and it takes 2-3 minutes just to connect! So when I FINALLY get to talk to someone, they don't wait for the delay in the phone and start saying, "Ello! Ello! Ello! I just keep talking figuring it will get to them here in a minute and they will stop saying that! He doesn't want to give me to the Consular as usually. He says hold the line and I say ok. I hold for FIVE minutes (I am on my skype phone and it has a counter, so I know exactly how long I am talking) then the phone starts ringing again. The guy I was talking to answers the phone. I say I am holding for the Consular. He asks me who I am again, and I go through my whole spill. He says hold the line and I say ok. Then a lady gets on the phone and I go through the same thing again. She says, hold the line and I say ok. THEN a man gets on the phone and says, "I am the US Consular, may I help you?" And me in my West Texas way of being blunt, say, "You are? I thought Ms. Gurski was the consular!" To which he replies, there are more than one. I ask his name, he tells me (he is Liberian- pretty well making it clear he is not the US consular!) then in a very irritated voice asks me for my name, I tell him who I am and relay the message that Ms. Gurski has told me to call when I have a question. THEN he says, she is on the other line would I like to hold for her? By this time I have been on the phone almost 12 minutes, and my money is about gone on my account, so I said I would call back later. Did I mention I called yesterday too and was told she was busy?! Sometimes I think it would be easier to fly over there and meet face to face than try to make a phone call!

On a brighter note, my wonderful mother in law surprised me by calling and saying she was going to be in town and wants to come babysit Ava for a few hours this afternoon so I can work! So I am going to take her up on it! I am blessed with fabulous in-laws! Thank you God!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Personality Plus!




Here is my favorite picture of Obadiah so far! Does he not just look like he has lots of mischief in those eyes?! He and Noah are going to get along great! :) Guess I better go buy some pixie sticks. Looks like he might just like them!
Just wanted to share pics of my little guy! Thanks to Rachel for getting them for me!

Thank you to everyone who has voted! I can't believe there are nine people who read my blog! Every time there is a new vote I make sure John knows! These are his names so far: Adam (it just doesn't fit him to me!), Reagan (I think that is a girls' name) or Raleigh (not crazy about it, either!). I like Obadiah or Eli. But of course he doesn't like those! So that name game continues! :)



Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Stressed....Who ME?

Ok, so I have had this weird feeling on my right side starting last Monday that just kept getting worse. By Thursday I was sure something was definitly wrong. Won't go into the gorry details of incompetent doctors and PA's, but I finally saw a good doctor yesterday. Turns out they think I have shingles! I thought that was an old person disease! Dr. Salcido says, "These are classic signs of shingles. Have you been under stress?" My mother was in the room with me, so I didn' t even bother to answer as I knew the answer was about to be yelled over my shoulder from her! She proceeded to tell him just how stressful my life is. And he agreed that this is probably what it is.

So, I have shingles. I had an abdominal sonogram today to make sure there is nothing else wrong, but it looks like shingles it is!

It has me concerned, not because of the shingles, they are painful, but I can handle that! The part I am having a hard time handling is that my body is reacting this way to my life! I thought I was doing really good at handling all the stress (the move, all the children in my care in Liberia, all the families in my care in America, a house that is in the middle of remodel, boxes everywhere, three children, a husband, a tight budget, Pastor Wesley, an adoption, PTA, three families traveling to Liberia and getting stuck in the MOnrovia airport with people wanting bribes) but my body says I'm too stressed. So what is a girl to do? Which one of those things in that list do I give up? I don't see that any of them can go! So how do I handle it better so that my body is ok, I am ok, and my family is ok? Sometimes life on this earth just seems too hard! I want to glorify my Father in Heaven, but sometimes I just think I can't. He has asked too much, yet His word says He doesn't give me more than I can handle THROUGH HIM~ So on that note, I am going to go spend some time with my Heavenly Daddy!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Wanting God more!

I have found myself trying so hard to stay neutral in this adoption. Trying not to even think about a time line of when he will come home. But how do you know you are gaining a son and not think about when he will be here? I have thought so much about Christmas coming. It is now less than 3 months away. I had secretly kind of hoped he would be here by then, but trying to tell myself I would be ok if he wasn't. I thought I was doing a good job of being "ok" until I got some old clothes out and came across a pair of Christmas PJ's that I think would fit Obie if he is here. The thought of him not being here to wear them brought on the tears and that pit in my stomach. I have now spent two Christmases of my life with a child half way around the world, and I never want to do that again! I want him HERE for that magical time! It just won't be the same with out him here.


So that sends up red flags to me that I am losing sight of what I promised myself I would not do in this adoption journey. With Eden, when it was all said and done, I realized that somewhere along the journey I had taken my eyes of the Author and Perfector of my faith and set my eyes on a goal.....getting Eden to my house! When that didn't happen, I was devestated and ready to walk away from God all together. Then a wise woman (Debbie Dietrich for those of you who know her) reminded me that if I started this journey to glorify God, than He had accomplished and completed the task...He was still there and still would use it for His glory. I had to really look at my intentions and decide if I was truly willing to lay down all my desires and let go of Eden for God's glory? As I start this journey with Obadiah, I don't ever want to get to the point that I want him home more than I want God to be glorified or just more than I want a relationship with God. You see what happened over the course of two years of all kinds of few ups and many downs with Eden's adoption was that God changed my insides! He made me look more like him! He transformed me! So knowing that, I would go through it all again in a heart beat! I got to know my Heavenly Daddy on a more intimate level! So I want to always keep my eyes fixed on God and want Him over an outcome...like Obadiah coming home for Christmas...or at all! But my flesh is strong, and I often listen to the lies that the enemy whispers about the circumstances.


Balance seems to be THE word in my life right now! I must find the balance between getting my heart so set on Obadiah coming home that I lose sight of God's work AND allowing myself to love this little boy with all my heart knowing full well he could never be in my home....but for now, God says I am to call him son! So until I can hold him in my arms, I will hold him in my heart and keep him before the Father who is The Provider and the best parent any of us can ever have!


God, keep my baby safe until You bring him to me!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Announcement!




Ok, well, it has been over three months since my last post, so maybe no one is looking anymore! Can't say that I would blame them! Things have been crazy! We sold our house and moved in that time (the move from 'you know where'), we had 25+ children come into the orphanage and placed them all with families, we had 3 families travel and 7 kids come home, Noah started kindergarden, Ava started walking.......tired yet? :) So that is some of the reason I have not posted.

I have been trying to find time to post for a couple of weeks now as we have some big news! God is calling us to step on the roller coaster of adoption again! I will share more later in future blogs as I promise to be better about posting. I want to use this to journal the experience for later! I have learned that I can type faster than I can write, and I cherish what I wrote from Eden's adoption journey as it transformed me! So you will have to bear with me as I bare all! (I probably used the wrong forms of the words there....sorry all you English type people. my math brain doesn't do words very well some times!)

Ok, I enough rambling. Let me introduce to you the newest Petree.........Obadiah! Isn't he precious! They say his birthday is Jan. 2004 which makes him 3.5, but we are thinking he may be younger. We will just have to see when we get him home and get him to a doctor! I love his name, but as is Petree tradition, John and I don't agree! He doesn't like it. I want to call him Obi (or Obie however we would need to spell it to get a long E sound at the end!) So if you like that, e-mail John and tell him! :) Here he is!