A Crisis of Faith: Part Two

I wish I had blogged all about this crisis of faith I have had BEFORE we got our license so you could all see my heart in this! Just know that all I share, occurred and transformed me BEFORE the happy ending! There has just not been any time to really sit and process all this in a way that was fit for public viewing....but I am taking some time today because I believe that sharing our journey is one of the most important ways people in the Body of Christ can encourage each other!

There is a phrase that is used in the Body a LOT that many times hits a sour note with me. That phrase is, "God is good!" Now before you crucify me, let me explain. That phrase is most often used after someone receives good news, an answer to prayer. Rarely is it posted when someone receives a diagnosis of cancer or when an adoption falls through. That is why it hits a sour note with me. You see, that statement is true whether the news is bad or good! God is good all the time!

Over the past few years, I have come to find a common thread in American religion/Christianity. Whether you talk to far right conservatives, middle of the road evangelicals or far left charismatics, they all to some degree have the same message. When God works in our lives, at some point, there will be a nice little package with a bow that we can place his work in. Maybe it isn't that way at first, but eventually, there will be a wrapping up of God's work that will make sense and be for our good- in a worldly sense of money, fame,power, or happiness. I am finding more and more that I have not in any way been prepared for the battles I face in this Christian walk! There is no blame in that! I believe everyone who has ever spoken into my life gave me the best they had and prepared me a little more than I was before I knew them! However I haven't met many American Christians who have a clear picture of how God works in our lives based on a Biblical principal. I feel so blessed to be a part of the Body that I am right now because I believe they "get this" in a way that I have not ever seen.

In fact, our pastor is currently doing a series called Jesus VS Jesus. So far he has taught on Jesus VS Mister Rogers, Jesus VS Stoic Jesus and Jesus VS Genie Jesus. Next week is Jesus VS Republican Jesus. You can get the pod casts at MidCities.org and I would love for you to come with me next Sunday to hear Jesus VS Republican Jesus!

This idea of Genie Jesus that Daniel preached on yesterday fit right in with what God has been showing me. Three aspects of Genie Jesus are: 1) 911 Jesus - who we call on in an emergency 2) Fire Insurance Jesus - better to be safe than sorry 3) and Prosperity Jesus. All three of these are traits that God/Jesus has, but they are not ALL he offers or desires for/from us!

That struggle with the decision I had to make about which path to take in Part One was founded in a lot of these Genie Jesus ideas. I have a microwave faith. Even though I know that the Bible doesn't speak of a faith that is fulfilled in minutes, days, hours, years or sometimes even lifetimes (Heb 11)! Yet, I still get so discouraged when God doesn't answer prayer quickly. I have struggled with one prayer request that I know is God's desire because it lines up with His word exactly, yet it has not been fulfilled over the past 11 and a half years I have prayed for it! So where is God? It left me wondering if God was real. It left me doubting all of God's word. If I can't count on the scriptures that say God will answer my prayers, then how do I stand on any of His promises?

Those were the questions that I began wrestling through with God. He has been so faithful to answer me! I am so thankful!

I began looking at the people I know who exhibit the qualities in their walk that I desire....for this season, I am looking at how to build steadfastness in my walk! How do I keep from doubting when it all seems to fall apart? How do I keep my mind/faith from going down south with circumstances? One thing I have learned over the past few months is that no matter how mature I may think I am, there is still a TON of room for growth! God is not done with me yet! And so He began answering my questions.

One thing I notice in people I admire like Beth Moore, Judy Rouse, Sarah Palin and many more is that they have confidence! They are not swayed (at least not that I see) by the thoughts and attitudes of others. They have courage! So I began a word study of courage. Now I know that many who know me would wonder why I would need to study courage! I have been told more than once that I am a strong person and that I even have too much courage because my heart is hard to see. Comments like that would hit my core and make me shrink back and believe that courage is a bad thing. That I should never be strong when it will hurt or offend others. Isn't that what tolerance is? Isn't that what loving and not judging means? Well, maybe in culture, but no in God's economy!

Courage is from the Hebrew word chazaq and means "to show oneself strong"! I love that! But there was more!

Numbers 13:20 and 2 Samuel 10:12 use the word courage. When I read these two scriptures, God clearly spoke! When dealing with spiritual warfare, I must have courage! I must show myself strong! What I wrote in my journal that day was, "When dealing with spiritual warfare, I have to have courage- the enemy, the warring factions, that set themselves up against me have to see that I am strong or they will find my weak spot and eat me alive!" 2 Samuel 10:12 says, "Be strong and let us show ourselves courageous for the sake of our people and for the cities of our God; and may the Lord do what is good in His sight." We have to be strong as leaders to keep the flock (whoever that is for you!) from being afraid - and to do what we can - then the rest is in the hands of the Lord and we need not worry or look back to what we should have done! This was freedom for me! I had been ridiculed by those in the Christian community so many times for my courage when facing what I sensed as clear danger from the enemy. But this scripture reaffirmed that I am to walk in courage! I am to face these battles head on, do what I am called to do and then let God handle the outcome! As long as I do that, I have done my job regardless of what those who look at me would say about it!

But there was still more! I looked up courage in Websters and it said this: "the quality of mind that enables one to face danger with confidence, resolution and firm control of oneself." Wow! I immediately began to pray for more courage! But I wanted to see if there were even more to the definition of courage, so I used my handy dandy iPhone and looked it up on the dictionary app I have on there. And there was more!!! Here is what dictionary.com said, "to act in accordance with one's belief especially in spite of criticism" [emphasis mine]! I needed that! I could hear the Holy Spirit yelling within me, "This is for you!!! Memorize it! Take it to heart! In this world you will have criticism! Don't listen to it! Do what I say with courage and confidence and don't look back!"

In the work I do, and because of my very black and white personality, criticism is nearly a constant in my life. If I don't get it directly from the critics, then someone is usually willing to share what the critics said about me! In adoption work, as with many types of ministry, there will always be someone unhappy with how you handle a situation. Despite my desire to provide communication and honesty with families, I have been called a liar on many occasions. Those words hurt. They cut me to the core! And then they make me shrink back from what God is telling me to do because my human side says I can't be doing things right if that many people think I am a liar, a cheat and an "unchristian" person. So these truths were so liberating!

And that is just in my work as an adoption professional!

These truths can also be applied to my personal life! As I stated in Part One, walking the narrow path will mean that there will be criticism even from Christians. It goes back to the pretty little package idea! My life has rarely if ever seen God's desires for me wrapped in that pretty little package! It has been messy! My first experience as a mother was a miscarriage! I was told to pray with faith! I did! For three weeks I prayed like never before, but I lost her anyway! The comments of some well-meaning people in my life left me feeling like I lost her because I didn't have enough faith! Nothing could have been farther from the truth! In fact, that was one of the biggest faith builders that God could have ever done in my life as a mother! He taught me with Hope (what John and I named her) that my children whether they were born of my body or placed in my home by adoption are not mine! They are His! He will take them when He wants and use them how He wants. It has made me such a more relaxed mother and allowed me to love my adopted children fully! I don't know if I would have survived losing Eden and Addy with my faith in tact if I hadn't walked through losing Hope. As promised, God used my hurt for my good and His glory!

Once again, no pretty package with Addy and Eden! We lost nearly $40K in that adoption and have nothing to show for it by worldly standards but a broken heart. But in God's economy, that was His money anyway and the investment is still bringing in a return! I have had many people ask me if we missed God's will in that adoption. I have asked the same thing...because it didn't end up with that pretty bow on a nice package that God's will has to show up in for American religion to recognize it! Why didn't Addy die four months before? Then I would never have hurt for her loss. But Addy's death birthed Addy's Hope! The birth of Addy's Hope has brought home 35 children who are now in Christian homes, provided an orphanage and school for children in need in Liberia, provided numerous scholarships for many children, two water wells for villages in Liberia without clean water, two medical clinics for communities without it, and there is more! I would say that is a pretty good investment for $40K! Most of those things were not works of John and I, but of the Body of Christ working together using Addy's Hope as their path. So why did Addy not die four months before? Because God needed us to love a little girl that would bring the need of a people group we thought we understood to our front door! Because God has a purpose that didn't come with a bow, but heart ache and pain that even now leaves me typing through tears. But would I do it again? In a heart beat! For it is what God used to set me on the path to my destiny! Could I see that on July 12, 2004 when we got the phone call about Addy? No! But 5 and a half years, 35 children, two medical clinics, numerous scholarships, etc, etc, later, I can see it! And I am blown away!

But even knowing that, it was hard to apply the same principles to my current battles and struggles! I reverted back to the familiar....God couldn't be in something that is soooo hard! God couldn't be calling me to a path that would bring more suffering, demand more time, possibly put my children at risk, etc, etc.

But as I read the Bible and reflected on courage and listened to teachers that I admire, clarity came! Read the Bible! I challenge anyone to show me Bible stories with happy endings tied up with pretty bows! Abraham had a promise from God that he would have descendants that outnumbered the stars.....God just left out the part that it would be tens of years before He fulfilled it! In their hast to fulfill God's promise for Him, Abraham and Sara took matters into their own hands in a move that has implications even today, thousands of hears later! And then, when God did provide that heir, He told Abraham to sacrifice him...to kill him. I don't see any pretty bow on that! What advice would you give Abraham if he told you that God told him to place his son on an alter? Would you tell him God couldn't be telling him that! Well, did He? Do you believe the Bible or not? Tough stuff!

Courage....I want more! Faith....I want more! Maturity.....I want more!

So I keep walking this path! Asking God to grant me more! And He is answering...

to be continued.....

[if you made it through this whole post, then you have endurance! Processing all this is more wordy than I thought it would be!!!]

A Crisis of Faith: Part One

The Christian cliche for where I am right now is a "crisis of faith". I am a visual person. I have tried in my very limited artistic ability to sketch out what my mind's eye sees right now. It started out as a "Y" in the road, but as I prayed and studied, the Y became a straight line because the two paths I can take are 180 degrees apart!

I have been trying to memorize scripture (always been a challenge for my no memory self!) that relates to the work I do..in adoptions, but also as a Christian. I want specific words from the Bible ready in my mind for the Holy Spirit to bring forth during times just like this! I want the Sword ready for battle in my mind and heart! So one of the versus I have been memorizing and reflecting on a great deal is Romans 8:5-8. "For those who are according the flesh set their minds on things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

I have been in a struggle for several months now. It has been a roller coaster. Some I have spoken of on here, some I have not. One reason I haven't blogged a lot lately is that I don't have clear thoughts. Everything is muddled and cloudy. I can't seem to wrap my mind around what is happening in most areas of my life right now. I can't reconcile all that has occurred with the outcomes I see.

But even through the cloudiness of my mind, the picture of the two roads is clear. One road is flesh, the other is Spirit.

I have several major choices in front of me right now that I have been contemplating. I won't go into the details of them because they are too private for such a public forum. But the choices are clear. I can walk according to God's will (Spirit) or I can walk away from God's will (flesh). I am sealed for the day of redemption by the Holy Spirit (Eph 4:30), so I am not talking about walking away from my salvation here. No matter what road I choose to walk, God will walk with me. No matter which I choose, I will be in heaven at the end (I just don't believe in the gospel that says this is our goal!). However, that same verse (Eph 4:30) that says I am sealed also instructs me not to grieve the Holy Spirit. Taking the flesh path would not only grieve the Holy Spirit, but it would also take me outside of God's covering, His promises. All through Scripture, God gives us promises. However, you can find with most of those promises if you take them in context (and not pull them out as so many love to do) that a condition of those promises is that you are walking "upright" or walking in accordance with His commands. When we chose to deviate from His commands, we leave the protection of those promises. We are saved for eternity from our sin, but we are not saved from the consequences of our sin. When we choose the path of flesh, there are consequences that will be ours.

This brings me back to the place I stand. There will be consequences. But the truth is there will be consequences to taking the path that is Spirit, also! Just as Jesus disciples when He asked them to pray, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

And this brings me to my biggest struggle of all!

I think of the scripture that speaks of the great cloud of witnesses. I don't mean to sound cynical, but in the American church, I just don't find a great cloud of witnesses. I can count on both hands the number of people I know personally and intimatly who I see within them a commitment to God and the path that is Spirit that I want to emulate. And those who I do want to emulate are very busy people with the work of God! They have little to no time to mentor people like me who want to emulate them. I don't say this as a put down to these people, I say it as a reality of the fast pace life we live here in America!

So I find myself at this crossroads alone. No counsel available from those whose counsel I would consider righteous and wise, yet TONS of counsel from those who view status quot as God's best and think the path that I believe is Spirit is outrageous and even ludicrous! As I have matured in my walk with Christ...especially over the past 12 years, I have come to learn that the outrageous is probably the God way! We have all heard that saying if it is possible by me alone, than there is no room for God to work a miracle. I believe that to be very true! But the other thing I hear all the time is how hard the Spirit path would be. How I need to look out for my children, etc. So how would these people counsel Abraham who put Isaac on an alter and raised a knife to kill him before God provided the ram? No worries, I am not tying any of my children down right now to sacrifice them! But I just wonder how modern American Christians read the stories of the Bible and yet give the counsel that they do, or criticize John and my desire to live a life sold out to Christ in the area that we know is God's purpose for us. Those who have known me very long know that I am a HUGE Beth Moore fan! She talks continuously about our destiny. God has a destiny for us, but it is our choice whether or not we choose to fulfill it! It is the difference between just finishing the race, squeaking by with my fire insurance in tact and standing before my Creator, my Savior on judgement day and hearing, "Well done my Faithful daughter!"

When I put it that way, the choice seems so easy! Who wouldn't want to stand before God and hear those words???? The problem is between where I stand now and d-day are many days on this earth with the words of well meaning Christians mixed with the voice of the enemy in my mind. The enemy wants so badly for me to take that path of flesh! He is so good at providing really good "evidence" for why I should choose that path. I deserve to be happy. Even if I walk away from God's will, at least it will just be my choices I suffer the consequence of and not the consequence of other's choices that I have to suffer in walking the path God has led me down for some time now. (That was clear as mud, huh?!...maybe later I can try to explain what that sentence meant!) God couldn't possibly want my life to be any harder than it already is...after all, so many people already tell me I do too much and my kids suffer. I can even find some scripture to support those lies...if I take them out of their context in scripture.

Add to that all the "theologies" that I have been taught over the years. I have had the privilege in the many moves we have made as well as the vast people I am blessed to know to be exposed to just about every Christian theology known to man in the 21st Century! It has stretched me and grown me over the past few years! It really amazes me how many versions of "the truth" there is all based on one Book! Many of the differences in these theologies I don't believe are worth debating as they don't have eternal significance....like should we raise our hands in worship or not. On the other hand, there are some very significant differences that I believe can make a HUGE impact in how you run the race here on this earth....like can you fall from grace? And does God intend for us to be happy or holy? And if something is hard does that mean it can't be from God?

As I have pondered which way to turn at my crossroads, many of the snippets from these different theologies have crossed my mind. I believe many of these things have been used by the enemy to confuse my thoughts! I believe he has used many of the things that I have been told are truth from so many of these theologies to allow me to justify the path that is flesh!

Now let me explain "justify". John can tell you as I have wrestled with this, I have said all along that I know turning and walking down the path that is flesh is not God's will! I know that it would be flesh and not spirit! I know that in many ways it would lead to death...Romans 8 is clear about that. However, the truths from these theologies really had my normally black and white brain in quite a gray dilemma.

The past four days have been some of the hardest of my life. Never before in my adult life have I been so unclear on what I needed to do or what direction I should take! It was a new feeling for me...one I didn't like and hope to never experience again!

Even in my foggy state, I always know that The Truth is in the Word. I seek that every morning in a time with God. Hadn't been getting a whole lot of clarity, so I picked up the ipod and took it on my walk with me yesterday morning. Already playing somehow when I put the headphones in was a podcast I had downloaded (and I think already listened to but didn't speak to me then like it did this time!) of Beth Moore called "No Longer Tossed". She spoke on just about all the areas I have just mentioned. She gave scriptures to support her arguments!

One of the things that I had spewed in my wrestling was that so many Christians get away with just status quot..or even the wrong path! Why should I take the hard road when I could live like them? Joy has been hard to come by the past couple of years for me. Yes, I know that is part of my immaturity. I know that is part of what God is doing in me right now...teaching me joy and contentment no matter my circumstances just as He did Paul! But I see people who truly seem to be happy, content and successful by American Christian standards as well as worldly standards that really walk a road of status quot. I have always pushed the envelope for walking a life sold out to Christ...status quo has never been ok for me. But as I have wrestled the past few days/weeks with some important decisions on directions for my life, status quo sounded really good!

Beth said in her pod cast that she doesn't know how so many Christians get away with the way they live....God doesn't leave her alone when she tries status quo! AMEN, SISTER!!!! She also spoke of how American churches are FILLED with Spiritual infants! She goes on to talk about how many leaders intentionally keep them that way...that will be addressed through my experience in a post to come...stay tuned....but as she spoke these things, she talked about how the scripture says in the last days deceptive spirits will teach leaders and Christians. The fog lifted! Praise the Lord!!!! Tears poured down my cheeks as I walked (good thing no one was outside at the time or they would have probably called the cops to come get the crazy lady walking down their street!)! I was undone! I immediately began praying with all my being that God would not allow me to be led astray by deceptive spirits! The choice was clear! The ONLY path to take was the Spirit path! I had allowed the enemy to sneak in and he was about to steal, kill and destroy me and my family along with me! Beth went on to talk about how straight spiritual warfare is cut and dry, but deception is a curve ball! It mixes enough truth with lies that you are not sure if it is truth 0r a lie! Words could not have described better where I was! A doctrine that had been spoken to me just a few weeks ago said that I could just quit and God would take me from this earth. I would love nothing more than to go to heaven NOW! I'm ready! That doctrine encouraged me to give up on all God has called me to do and just tell Him I am finished...take me! I would walk the path of flesh, away from Spirit because I just can't handle the battle anymore. So Jesus would just kill me...take me from this earth! But that is a deceptive Spirit. All was clear again!

Well, maybe not "all"! I still struggle with some of God's promises that I feel have failed as I have walked the Spirit path over the last 12 years. There are many things (like Addy's death, Eden's failed adoption, losing our first baby to a miscarriage, a one year halt on Liberian adoptions, etc) that don't appear in my human eyes to have upheld God's promises. But I also know that God's ways are not my ways! I know that many things He has told me, like it will get worse before it gets better, are coming to pass....and it could just be for me to give up on those promises now and take the flesh path would mean that I quit right before I saw the promise fulfilled! Going back to Abraham...he and Sarah took matters into their own hands to fulfill God's promise of a child because they got tired of waiting and we still see the effects of that in the world today! The Israelites had to wait FORTY YEARS to see their promise fulfilled! My microwave view of faith could have just cost me the opportunity to see the miracles I have been praying for over the past 12 years! But in my clarity now, I know that God will be faithful to those promises! I hope and pray I am not like the faithful in Hebrews 11 who "died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a diestance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth." I pray I get to actually see some of these promises fulfilled and be encouraged by them. But if not, I still owe the One who sent His Son to this earth for me my life! I still owe Him who suffered ridicule even though He lived a perfect life my life! As a sermom recently preached by Stever Murrell at our church said, looking at it from that perspective, walking the Spirit path with no promise of ANY reward is not a radical but simply a reasonable response!

I also know that as I stand at this crisis of faith, the enemy would like nothing more than for me to take a turn to the left, take the flesh path, away from God's will, away from God's promises so that I would possibly forever doubt God's goodness and faithfulness. I would be walking away from my destiny...possibly forever in this life! It would ruin all the plans that God has for my family and for what He has called me to in orphan care. I was willing to accept that. That my friends is a scary thought! Especially now that with a clear mind I think of ALL the Christians my stupid decision would effect! What if someone is watching me to see if I take the flesh or Spirit road and uses my decision to determine what road they should take as I have used the decision of others before me to determine which road I would take? I would be held accountable for my part in their decision! We don't think nearly enough about how our decisions effect all those around us who consider us their great cloud of witnesses! Whoever you are, no matter how young in your faith or how mature, you have someone watching you to see how you handle life! They are watching you to see what faith meets reality really looks like!

What picture are you giving them?

To be continued.....

It aint easy!

Yesterday when I shared with a friend what I was doing, she responded with something like, "Man those arrows keep coming at you, don't they?" Yes, they do! But I am hoping my attitude about those arrows is a little better than it has been in the recent past. Let me explain.

Today's lesson in A Call to Die is "The Risk of Grace". Nasser says: "Far too many of us are content with being comfortable in our faith. As long as Jesus doesn't ask too much of us, as long as we get enough good feelings, as long as it's fun to be a Christian, as long as nobody turns up their nose at us when they find out we believe, we hang in there. But that perspective is phony Christianity. It's not the real thing." Man can I relate! As I am sure you can too!

Nasser goes on to talk about Moses. God has used this man to encourage and spur me on in the battle in Liberia for almost two years. From the beginning, the people that Moses was trying to free turned on him. They were choosing slavery over freedom because it was hard. Pharaoh laughed at him that such a common man would even try to tell the most powerful king what to do. I don't need anybody laughing at me, I feel that way on my own about my government work.

I have said for some time now that the hardest part of my job is not the governments, but the people that I serve who are adopting. Not all of them! God has sent me some amazing families who are dear friends because of the journey we have taken on this crazy roller coaster. When you deal with something as personal as people's children, emotions run high! My black and white world has been rocked with the view of many Christians that believe in an adoption at all costs mentality! My stance for ethical and legal adoptions has turned some families away.

Yesterday we had a meeting with our licensing agent for Texas Child Placing Agencies. We have been in communication with licensing since we started in October 2005. At that time they would not even discuss licensing with us because we were a international only agency. But we have stayed in contact with them. Over the past two years as Hague has been implemented and new regulations gone into place, we have been in constant communication to insure that we were doing what we needed to in order to be in compliance. We need the money to pay the salary of a CPA Administrator in order to be licensed. That is the only thing we need. Well, that and a person who fits the qualifications that is willing to take a risk with us! And just finding someone who meets the qualifications has been an insurmountable task! But we have never quit looking or working toward licensing, and our amazing licensing rep, Becky, knows that.


The meeting yesterday was because "someone" (its confidential) filed a report on us. As I told John, I don't want to know who it is because as long as it's just "a report" I don't hold as much resentment. If I knew "the person" it would be much more personal to me and would be harder to work through - like Moses and the Israelites! But from the beginning when Becky called and said she needed to come meet with us, I had peace! Now, if you know me, you know that is a God thing! I am a rule follower to the max! So the prospect of possibly getting in trouble with the state would send me over the edge, but it didn't! And THAT folks is the reason why I am such a stickler about how we operate in adoptions! If you do everything to the best of your ability and don't allow illegal or unethical activities, then you don't have to be afraid of state visits!

John and I were determined from the beginning to turn what someone meant for evil into something good for God. And He has! We were able to talk with Becky about CPA Administrators (anyone know someone with a masters in TX who has experience with any type of child placing agency or emergency shelter, etc???? that needs some extra money for a contractual position??!!!). We also talked about the need here in Texas and what we could do to help the overloaded system. Our region still is short on foster families and have to send kids to other parts of TX because we don't have enough foster families. On top of that, I would venture to say that a high percentage of the foster families we do have are in it for the wrong reasons. Texas children need help and Becky shared with us how we can do that once we have our CPA Admin! She also said we do NOT have to have a fence around our pool as long as we have locked gates on our backyard and a lock and alarm on our backdoor! That means we could be licensed for foster/adoption! But I still wonder if I (or the kids) could handle a baby leaving us. Is this the right time? But definitely nice to know that one more obstacle has been removed!

As I read again about Moses and the people he was called to free, I was reminded that they didn't thank him or tell him "good job". They grumbled and told him they wanted to go back to captivity. That was the thanks Moses received. I feel like Moses many days! And like Moses, I have to run back to Who called me to this to ask for help and get my satisfaction and worth. I don't consider myself a people pleaser, but at the same time, I am very aware of how people see me because I believe as a Christian, we need to be. We are to be a light to the world and a light in the darkness. But being a light doesn't mean letting people walk all over you "in the name of Jesus" or allow those who disagree with you to derail you from your path.

I am learning many lessons through this season of my life. I pray I keep them as I don't want to revisit any of them! :)

A Call to Die - Day 14

Today's title was "Too Full to Eat?" Wasn't sure what type of lesson that would be! Had me a little perplexed, but within the first paragraph, I knew that this lesson was just for me right now!

What Nasser is getting at is that we have two tables to which we can pull up our chair and feast: God's and the world. If we fill up on the world before coming to God's table, then we are too full to eat the good "food" that God provides. And likewise, if we fill up at God's table, then we are too full to eat the junk offered by the world.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I openly share my food addiction. My early years were filled with excuses as to why I am overweight. I would blame a medical condition or that I "just can't lose weight". But the truth of the matter is, I eat more than I consume or I wouldn't be overweight. But even with that realization and facing that truth head on for the past five or so years, I still battle my food addiction.

That is why during this 40 days of A Call to Die, I am doing the modified Daniel Fast. I need to break the hold food has on me. I need to learn to eat at the banquet table of God first!

I LOVE how God teaches so many spiritual truths to me in my physical world so I can really understand what He wants from me. As I read today's lesson, I knew that so many times I fill up on the "world" and that leaves me empty, but not hungry. Leaves me dissatisfied, but full so that I don't look to God for the water that will make me never thirst again or the food that will fill me so I will never be hungry.

I related it to the fast...since I am fasting from sugar, my taste buds have changed. Where grapes of an apple usually just seem like a healthy snack, now they meet the need of a sweet tooth! They taste so much sweeter now than when my mouth is used to eating all that sugar. Sugar waters down the natural sweetness of the fruit. Yesterday I made a cake to take to our small group. I had a really bad sweet tooth yesterday. But instead of taking in all the sugar in a cake or brownie, I picked up an oat bar that had only fruit and cane juice to sweeten it. Was it as sweet as the cake would have been? No where close! In fact, the kids don't like it at all because it tastes bland to them! But to me who is 20 days into no sugar, (yes I'm on day 14, but day 20 of the fast as I didn't do some lessons on the days I was sick...so numbers will be off!) that oat bar satisfied.

The same is true of God's Word! When I eat the junk of the world, it waters down the sweetness of God. Yes, food really does provide for me an immediate comfort, an immediate satisfaction. That is true. However, as soon as that last bite leaves my mouth, I want more and feel emptier than when I first ate! But God's Truth leaves me satisfied for the long haul! It may not provide an immediate satisfaction as I have to ponder it, memorize it, meditate on it, and often even sit and listen time and time again before God reveals to me all He wants to about a morsel from His Word. But in the long run, in the bigger pictures, it is so much more satisfying that anything this world has to offer me!

Yet, I still find myself "elbowing" as Nasser says my way into the world to make sure I get my "share" of what it has to offer instead of walking right past that table to sit with my Heavenly Father at His feast and drinking in all He is and wants for me. I plan to change that practice! I want God's food! I don't want the junk this world has to offer. The few times in my life that I have chosen to bypass the world to sit with God at His table, I have found that I am viewed as a "radical", a "Jesus Freak". That would make me pull back and reevaluate myself. Not that I mind being a "Jesus Freak" or a "radical", but these comments when made by other Christians have made me think I was going too far in my views. But what God is teaching me is that in this world, a world that has feasted way to long on the food the enemy pours into us, even most Christians don't know the sweetness of His RADICAL Truth! Therefore, the only voice I must listen to is HIS! If He is well-pleased, then no one else matters! And when I surround myself with mature, wise Christians whom I have given permission to speak truth in love to keep me on track, then the other voices can fall by the wayside. I don't need to entertain every criticism that comes my way!

Oh what freedom comes in eating at God's table! Will you pull up a chair and eat with me? What junk have you been eating that makes God's banquet of pure and holy food look undesirable? Don't let it lead to guilt...that is from the enemy...he wants to keep you at his table! Instead, confess it, let God take it away and pull up a chair at His table! He will fill you!

Coming out from under the rock...

Since returning from Liberia, I have been hiding under a rock. I have still been working, taking care of family, etc, but I really didn't want to talk to anybody or share any thoughts. I have hated the question, "How was your trip?". (Anyone reading this who asked me that, please don't take offense or feel badly for asking...it is a very natural question!). But I don't know how to answer. You probably really don't want to hear how my trip was because that would take, oh, a day and a half to explain. Most of it is not real warm and fuzzy like you expect a mission trip to be. Add to that the personally challenges and battles that hit me square in the face upon coming home and you have me, hiding under a rock because it is the only place I know to go!

But under that rock I have been doing a ton of reading! I know God doesn't want me under a rock..I am supposed to be a light shining on a hill for Him, not a toad under a rock! But when I would think on that, it would just bring more guilt, so I just chose to quit thinking.

I won't go into all details here as they are too personal to share on such a public forum. But for the second time in my life I tried to walk away from God. I tried to take my fire insurance and leave. Last time I tried that was when I came home without Eden from Sierra Leone. That lasted about a week and a half. This time it lasted about...oh...two days! I just don't know how people run from God! As hard as I tried, He was always right there in front of me saying, "Really? This is really the way you want to go? You really want to believe those lies floating through your head? You know My way is the best way...even when it hurts and is tough!" And when I wanted to ignore that voice in my head, my dadgum (never wrote that before...have no clue if it is even a word, but that's how I'd spell it if it were!) spiritual husband telling me the truths I knew but really didn't want to hear!

So over the course of the next few days, I am going to post some of the quotes from the books as well as the many lessons God is teaching me right now. As John said as I was sharing some with him, "God is really kicking your tail right now, isn't He?!" Yes, He is!!! And I am grateful for the tail kicking! I am in need of it!

I have lost count of the days of my fast. I will stick to the fast until I finish A Call to Die. It is 40 days, but since there have been a couple of days that I haven't done the lessons, this may end up being a 60 day fast! Great motivation to do the lessons every day!

The fast has truly been amazing! This is the first time I have fasted and really felt it had any spiritual impact. It has taken my focus off the two things that compete with God the most in my life: food and things. And the most incredible thing is that the draw of these two idols is weakening! I can feel it! I don't really know how to describe it, but I can feel it! I have always thought women who said they "forgot" to eat a meal were nuts! I mean, come on, how do you "forget" to eat? Well, I don't know that I forget to eat, but many times I walk into the kitchen when I know I would have comforted myself with some tasty morsel in the past, and now, I just walk out. I don't even want to eat! Sometimes its because I don't want to eat the food I can eat: mainly fruit, nuts or cheese. But sometimes it really is because food has no hold on me...my body isn't needing food, so I walk out! Freedom! I can taste it! And BOY does it taste good! :)

A lesson I learned just this week, well I didn't really "learn" it, but God reinforced it this week. I have had a horrible sinus infection for the past almost three weeks. You know mommy can't be sick! Well, this one has been horrible enough that is has knocked me on my tail where mommy had to be sick! (Side note: if you have e-mailed me or called and I haven't returned it, this is why! Sorry! Praying I will be back to health this week!) So those days that I just felt like a truck had run over me, I went off the fast. I mean, surely God doesn't expect me to be sick *and* not eat any comforting foods, or even just have to try to come up with something to eat on a menu that takes some creativity when I don't even fell like lifting my head. This week, I learned, yes in fact, He does expect that! He gently reminded me that obedience is required NO MATTER WHAT! Sick, healthy, rich, poor, frustrated, happy, joyful, sad...it doesn't matter my "mood"! Obedience is always required and expected. Kind of like me with my children! :) Yes, I give them a break if they are a little cranky because they don't feel well, but they still have to follow rules and obey me when I give them a direction.

So no more going off the fast until I am finished with A Call to Die! I will walk in obedience..for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health forsaking all others as long as I shall live!

So I will leave you this morning with some sweet quotes from David Nasser in "A Call to Die". You really should read/do this if you never have! It would be a great activity for married couples or small groups! My friend Karen and I are doing it together! It definitely helps to know you have someone walking it with you....accountability is an amazing motivator!

• "It' much easier to be a nice Christian than a radical one." page 8
• "He [Jesus] doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father. Jesus is no bully. He doesn't try to get us to pack our bags for a guilt trip. No, he simply offers that path with all its hardships and joys, and says, "If you want the greatest adventure life has to offer, here's what the ticket will cost you." Quite frankly, the vast majority of Christians look at the brochure and say, "No thanks. The price is too high. I"ll settle for something else." page 13
• "You and I will face excruciating moments, too when it seems God is asking too much and nobody is there for us....It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it. Once again, remember we're talking spiritual, not physical issues. Because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." page 17
• "When you and I feel insecure, we are more open to God speaking to our hearts." page 32
• "The call to die requires a will of steel to persevere and make those hard, thankless choices to honor God instead of serving selfish desires." page 41

A Call to Die - Re-entry processing Part 1

*Warning - you are about to enter my thought process on re-entering American culture after a trip to Liberia...read at your own risk! :) And please don't judge my grammar or punctuation as this really is my thought stream! *

I am back from Liberia. Callie and I got in on Thursday night. She was amazing! There are no "aha" moments of life change for her, but you can't help but be changed after being there and seeing what she saw. She was right at home! No running water much of the time, no air conditioning, raining almost 24/7, stuck inside with 51 kids, and she never complained! I had to stop and remind myself that this was not her first time there as she was just so at home there and with the kids! I have an amazing daughter!!! She taught the kids to sing, "That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha!" She did some funky dance/walk thing with it, so by the end of the week, I had 51 kids and several staff walking around doing a funky dance/walk singing the same song! It was priceless!

There are many funny stories,but the overwhelming need just keeps me from sharing those right now. The need to process the trip. It wasn't a stressful trip, in fact, compared to my other trips where we have worked the whole time to get clearance only minutes before take off, it was a very restful trip. However, the overwhelming need is still there! Adoptions still aren't open. That means money isn't flowing. That means staff haven't been paid, but are working because they believe in what we are doing for the children. It means the food we bought while we were there was bought with personal money because all the agency money was gone. I just sit and shake my head at all that needs to be done in Liberia knowing that I serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I just need a couple of cows to feed my "sheep", yet I have none.

Those things along with some personal issues we have been dealing with has brought me once again to a crisis of faith in my life. Who is God? Is He real? Does He mean what He says? I believe when you come to a place like this, you have to just get real and get with God! You see, I "know" the right answers! If you sit and tell me that God is good all the time, He never leaves us or forsakes us, He only has my best interest at heart, I know all that...but when the rubber doesn't seem to meet the road, you have a crisis of faith.

So what do I do in a crisis of faith? I get before God like never before. As I traveled home, I begged God to answer many questions. Silence. I begged Him to show me how to go on, how to move forward, how to deal with the personal crisis and help the people of Liberia. Silence. Then I asked Him what He wanted from me, "Seek me!".

I read a book 4 or 5 years ago. It is called A Call to Die by David Nasser. When I read it before, I was literally unable to fast from food because I just couldn't do it. I would try, and by noon, I was done with my fast! So when I read it last time, I fasted from day time tv of any kind. It was a good time with God.

Several months ago, I did the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It was a great experience and gave me great confidence in my ability to carry out the spiritual discipline of fasting. But I haven't done any fasting since. I didn't grow up knowing about fasting, so it is kind of a new concept. When I did the Daniel fast last time, any spiritual implications kind of alluded me. But over the past month, I have just felt a heaviness....a need to seek God like never before...to dive deep for answers to questions that no one can answer for me, but God...to see Him real and in ways I never have...to know in my heart, not just my head, that He is good all the time and will never leave me or forsake me.

You see, what I see right now, just doesn't say that, and what I see in my past many times does not either. When in Liberia, I was crying out for God to provide for our ministry. I was reading 2 Corinthians under the direction of the Holy Spirit. Chapter 9 verse 6-10 just struck me as if someone had orally said them to me. They speak of when you sow sparingly you will reap sparingly, and when you sow bountifully you will reap bountifully. I thought about John and I personally. We haven't sowed as bountifully in the past as we should have with the blessings we have received, but we are both changing that! I can say that currently, we are doing much better at sharing our blessings with others. Then I thought about Addy's Hope. We have always been a VERY generous organization! When we have books, we share, when we had money before adoptions shut down, we started providing scholarships. Addy's Hope has always cared for as many as possible...not just the adoption workers and children.

Then verse 8 should be true: "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." Hmmmmm, isn't caring for children in an impoverished country a good deed? Isn't sharing the love of Jesus with people in a village a good deed? Isn't teaching women how to help other women give birth safely in a country that is number 2 or 3 (depending n which study you look at) in birth death rate a good deed? Then why is God not supplying an abundance and why do we not have sufficiency in everything? Is it because of sin? I'm sure it could be, I am an imperfect sinner in need of my Savior's grace everyday! But I know and God knows that my number one desire in all that I do is to walk in obedience and bring Him glory. I miss the mark many times as is pointed out often by the people I serve, but that is my number one desire.

Then verse 10 really hit home: "Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness." I got really excited! I started thinking of all that we can do when the seed for sowing comes in! But it hasn't come yet....we don't have an abundance, in fact, we barely have enough.

So that makes me start questioning the whole "Does God really exist or is this just some bad joke?" question. That may be offensive to some of you, but I don't apologize. It is just a woman who wants to follow God with all her heart sharing where she is right now in the midst of some really hard life stuff! If this verse isn't true right now, is it ever true? And if this isn't true, is anything in scripture true? And this is when you have to stop, take your thoughts captive and seek God like never before for the answers that no person can supply for you!

I picked up "A Call to Die" from my shelf and resolved to do the Daniel fast for 40 days. I want God more than food, and I want to be so focused on God that nothing gets in the way of me hearing what He needs to tell me! As I read Nassar's description of what "deny yourself" means: "to deny it [our selfish interests] means: don't feed it. Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and stray away from those things!", I decided I am also fasting from buying anything that is not necessary....necessary means something the kids need for school, food, or household items to keep it running. But clothes, decorations crafting materials, etc are not necessities and thus are part of the fast. I tend to come home from these trips when things are tough and I don't see a way to meet the needs that face me in Liberia and want to turn my back, forget it all and jump head long into American culture! I didn't used to be that way, but the more I try to help and the more obstacles I face, the more I want to just run!

But I know that isn't the answer. So fast it will be! I know following Christ is a call to die..I was even reminded of that in the sermon yesterday! I have a works background that I know is effecting something core in me that is keeping me bound up, so I will seek what that is, and I will kill it! For the only thing I want alive in my is the heart that longs to obey God...no matter how hard and no matter the cost!

Here is how Nassar put it: "But before we get to the cross, let's understand some things. Jesus begins this statement with a tiny but important word: if. He doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father."

This is radical! But I am tired of fighting the same fleshy issues over and over as God calls me to a higher walk! "It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it....because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." I think I have been playing patty cake too long with some issues in my life. It's time to get it by the throat and strangle these issues once and for all!