The Journey: Saying Good-Bye

Today has been an emotional day! I am packing up B-Man's items. He is moving to a new foster home tomorrow. We knew all along that B-man would probably not be our permanently, but knowing that and the reality of letting him go are two different things!

It's all about numbers. Frustrates me. Its not that I don't totally understand, but I also am frustrated that the "system" can't look at individual cases and see what is best for a child. He is being reunited with a brother, but B-man doesn't know that is his brother. He just knows that I am his mom and my kids are his siblings. There is now way to explain to a baby that they are "foster"! We have a baby who has gone from stiff as a board when you hold him, no molding whatsoever, to a baby who hid his face in my chest last night to play peek-a-boo! We have gone from a baby who never cried to one that cries all the time. In attachment lingo that means we have a baby who has found his voice because he knows someone will hear him and respond.

I spoke to his new foster home this morning. They are wonderful. He will be loved and cared for. But it won't be me rocking him to sleep at night are sitting on the couch with him at night when he wakes up and just wants to be held! I won't get to see that smile that lights up the world anymore. I won't hear that giggle that makes even the hardest of hearts giggle with him!

We knew this day was coming ever since we started the process to adopt Princess M! We knew bringing her home would put us over the number of children for a regular foster home. Because we are a group home, we can only have 3 children ages 5 and under. We have 4. They gave us a waiver, but it expires January 7. In some ways, I know God has been preparing my heart for this day, but I don't think there is anyway to totally prepare for letting go of a child you love as your own!

His biological mom called me this morning asking me to please take the brother so that they would leave B-man here with us. I explained that we can't legally do that.

There is a chance that mom will get them back in January. So it could be that both these boys are being moved to a new placement for just a few weeks. Why? That seems ridiculous and damaging! I was ready to fight...I was ready to ask when does the child's best interest come into play? But God silenced me. For those who know me well, you know how hard it is for me not to fight an injustice! Ripping a child who has just learned to bond from the attachments he has made is an injustice!

But God sees the big picture. He knows the things I will never know. So when he told me not to fight, I began the process of letting go. Still not sure what that looks like. Thought I was doing well until today when I started packing his things. Haven't even put make up on because there is no use. The tears would wash it off.

God keeps saying, "Trust and obey, just trust and obey!" Trust. The hardest thing for me to do since Eden didn't come home! Once again I find myself saying goodbye to a child. Seems like I do that a lot! I don't care how many times I have to do it, I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.

I fell in love. I loved him like he would be with me forever. I took the risk. Was it worth it? Not on the surface! But spiritual journeys don't stop on the surface. We obeyed. We may never know "why" he was with us for three months. But we took him when God said take him. And we are letting him go when God says let him go! And I am trusting God with him. That sounds crazy that I would even question trusting God, but that is what it came down to! Do I trust that God loves him more than I ever can? Do I trust that God will fill the whole in my heart that will be there when he leaves? After years of walking in doubt, I am so grateful to say, YES! I trust God with all that!

Then there is the whole hurt of my children! All the voices that asked why we would put our kids through this come back loud and clear. None of them are happy about having to let B-man go! Ava has asked all day why he can't stay with us and why am I packing up his clothes. No matter what I say to her, she says, "But I love him!" How do you explain what you don't understand yourself to a four year old? But they have to learn to trust and obey also! Have we done them a disservice by asking them to care for a child who needed a family even though we now have to let him go? Absolutely not! They have learned to love the least of these! And I believe they are changed for eternity because of it!

I say a prayer for him with each piece of clothing I lay in the suitcase. I pray that God's plan for his life will play out to it's fullest! I pray protection over him as his future is so uncertain. I pray that he will land in a safe, permanent home where he will have the help he needs to progress normally despite his current physical delays.

I thank God that I knew this little bundle of joy that will forever be a part of our family! I thank God that he has taught me once again that he will hold my hand through good times and bad! I am thankful that he has a good home to go to and I am able to talk to them and tell them the little things about him that will make his transition (and theirs) easier!

Some have asked what I thought about fostering. Here is the part I had never had to do yet...let go! So what do I think now? I think that fostering to adopt is an amazing thing! I am so grateful for the baby girl who is in my home because of foster to adopt that will be ours forever in just a few months! But I also think that fostering just for the sake of fostering is not my calling! I am so thankful there are people who are called strictly to fostering! We need them!!! But to bring children in and work with the system just so I can let kids go and bring in other ones, is not my heart. This is killing me. I invest in children for life. To have them removed and not be able to continue to pour into them, well, it hurts. I don't like it.

Would we do it again? I've learned enough through the years to not say no! But I also know that this season of our lives is coming to a close. We have too many kids in the home to take little ones and God is calling us to serve these children in another way...through Addy's Hope. God has given us four amazing children in the past year. He is taking one. We are still blessed! But for now, our quiver is full. We will let go of B-man tomorrow and let him go into whatever God has for him in the future. And I will love on the six that will remain with the one being knit in my womb and thank God for each and every moment I get to spend with each of them! For as He continues to teach me, no matter how my children come, they are not mine, they are His! He just entrusts them to me to teach them and train them to be soldiers for His Army! When my time in their life is up, He will take them. He is sovereign. I trust that He knows what is best for each of my children. I trust that He has a bigger picture that I can't see. I trust that in some small way, our loving and letting go of B-man will bring him glory! Because really, bringing Him glory is my ultimate goal!

So good-bye, B-man! Or maybe, till later! We will forever love you and hold you close to our hearts in prayer! And I don't care what the doctors say....one day, I'm going to hear your name on a pro-football team roster! :) You prove them all wrong Big Guy! This momma will always love you and believe in you! God bless your life! I am blessed to have been a part of it...even if only for a few months!

The Journey: AWOL & B-Man

Sorry I have been AWOL lately! You will notice a pattern that when we get a new child, I do that! That is because I am not a natural at this fostering, adding kids to the family, being organized thing! It takes me awhile! B-Man (referred to as Little Man in previous posts, but just can't leave that name after meeting the linebacker for the Cowboys in the 2030 season!!!) came three weeks ago today and for the first time, I am feeling like I m-i-g-h-t have a handle on my family. Well, that is probably stretching it! I have a few minutes to try to process what is going on in my life...and I have to process out loud, so you get to listen!

What I haven't been able to tell you is how amazing God is in his bringing B-Man to us! All my readers know that we were struggling with a car issue. Well, just three days before B-Man arrived, God blessed us with a car. One we can afford to pay-off anyway. We really wanted to pay cash for our next car, but we both felt strongly that this was a deal and blessing we could not pass up and that God was providing it for a larger purpose. So count them>

Yep, that is a Suburban that seats NINE! John's first quote, "We are not getting this to fill it up with kids!" We'll see, Mister, we'll see! Just three days after we took possession of the car, B-Man came to us. So we are all able to ride in the same car as a family wherever we go. Now we just have to tighten the belt a little more and get it payed off. We are trusting God for that provision!

I shared with you, I think...forget sometimes what I put on Facebook and what I blog, but I think I shared about my vision of an afro sitting with his back to me playing with Baby Girl. I was sitting at the table in a restaraunt eating lunch with a new friend from the foster/adoption world when I go the call. They had an emergency placement for a full African American baby boy who is just a few months old. I teared up and said, "I'm going to say I think yes, but I have to talk to John first." So I call John who asks me what the situation is. I confess that I didn't ask ANY questions! So not like me! But when God has prepared you for a placement, you just K-N-O-W! I've been down this road! I knew this was a baby for our home. I called back and got what few details they had. John agreed to go forward, so I called back and said yes. Called John to tell him they would be there in just a couple of hours and to get the playpen out. He asked me what the babies name was - hadn't asked that either! He has an interesting name come to find out, but we just call him B-Man or Big-Man around here!

Why did I take him so blindly? God had prepared my heart! And get this! He had prepared Ava and Toben's hearts too! The night before he came, we were sitting at the dinner table and out of the blue, Toben says, "The baby boy is going to sleep in my room." John and I exchange glances across the table, and I say, "What baby boy?" Toben mater-of-factly states, "The baby boy we are getting." We kind of brushed it off (although this is the forth time since Toben has come home that he has made a statement that within 24 hours has come to pass!). The next morning, Ava comes into her room where John and I were talking and says, "Baby boy is going to sleep in my room." Again we ask, "What baby boy?" and for the second time from one of our children, "The baby boy we are getting."

The other not so great reason I knew we were getting a call....well, it hadn't been a great morning at the P-tree house! In fact, it had been one of those mornings when you ask yourself, "What in the heck am I doing thinking about adding another child, in fact, maybe we need to think about getting rid of some!" Ok, just kidding about that getting rid of some part! It crosses your mind at those times, but only for a split second! But adding another one? Are we nuts?! Don't answer that, people! In fact, I actually said to myself, we will probably get a call today since I am questioning whether I can do the 5 I have much less one more!

Three hours later, number 6 is on his way!

They were supposed to arrive at 3:00, but didn't get to the house until almost 11:45 that night. That is why the post the day he came about having time for questions and doubts to creep in!

It has been a crazy three weeks! Does adding a baby stress a home? YES! Does it stress a marriage? YES! Does it point out every weekness you have and every area that satan wants to attack? YES! In fact, I have had specific dreams that I knew were God urging me to fight spiritual battles that were occuring...I can only think of one other time I have had that happen. Many would say we shouldn't have taken him. Our current kids suffer. We aren't strong enough, prepared enough. There is not a concern that you can bring to me that I hadn't thought of myself or questioned since he came. But the bottom line, he needs a mommy and daddy to love him for this time in his life. Will we keep him forever, probably not. Would I love to? Y-E-S!! Y-E-S!! How will I let him go? I have NOOOOOOOO idea! But God told me early on with Baby Girl that I am not promised tomorrow with any of my children and yet I don't love them any less or keep my heart from them. Since that day, I have vowed to love all children in my home with all my heart. And for that I have to spend daily time in The Word filling myself with Him so that I can do that because my flesh cries out to protect my heart and go to an easier life!

When they see me out and about, people say, "You're amazing!" I laugh! I really am not! I wish you could all see how normal and ill-equiped outside God's power I am for this! I wish you could see it because then you would know that YOU can do this too! Or whatever it is that God is calling you to! If there is anything I know during the past three weeks it is if I am EVER living a life that doesn't require me to be daily on my knees just to get through the day, then I am probably not walking in all God has for me! He desires us to live a life of Supernatural power!

Once again, God has perfect timing in the study that he has me in! Thank you, Dear Liz, for calling me weeks ago when B-Man wasn't even a thought and inviting me to join you! God has used you mightily in my life! God knew those weeks ago that right now, I would need this study just to live my daily life! And to live it with joy!

So to explain what I mean about living a life daily on my knees and being filled with Him, I am going to leave you with a few quotes from Priscilla Shirer who is passionate about women being filled with the power of God in order to carry out all that He has for them! Be blessed today!

‎"When you have patience in your mothering, holiness in your singleness, gentleness in your response, contentment in your circumstances, and empowerment in the face of your challenges, you are experiencing the greatest miralce of all: God's presence appearing in your life."

"Those waiting on a life of continuous miracles as a sign of God's anointing will lead a frustrated existence as they try to manipulate God. On the contratry, the anointed life engages daily and normal activities in a supernatural way."