Identity Theft

"Identity theft started in the garden." Matt Oxley, Pastor at The Creek Church Fort Worth

That one statement started a realization and a glimmer of light in the very dark place I have found myself spiraling for some weeks now.  I wish I had written this on Sunday because I was basking in the light that was shining and pushing away the darkness with this new realization.  However, today is Thursday and as so often happens, as the week has progressed, the darkness has crept back in and I write this from a place of needing to hear it myself again! Normally, I would probably just not write about it since I find myself right back in this place.  But as I have visited with other moms this week, I realize that what I am in the middle of is a common place for many who are parenting any children, but especially children who have come to them from a place of trauma.  There are also women who have been called to do something as a mom - adoption, home schooling, staying home when they thought career was their goal, being called to go back to work when they thought staying home would be their life until kids left, unplanned pregnancy later in life - that was not in their plan.  All these things have one thing in common - surrender! They all require us as women to surrender our plans and our belief of what being a mom looked like in our lives to the One who is calling us out of that!  And with that surrender comes a trust that He will hold us close and provide what we need as we walk out the calling.

I keep saying this has been a hard season, but it has.  It has stretched me in every way possible beyond what I ever dreamed being capable of stretching.  It has left me "sore" emotionally, at times physically as my body has responded to the stress it carries, and most of all spiritually.  It has left small cracks in my armor that the enemy has used to insert a half truth or two.  In my fog of the past few weeks of feeling myself slipping down into a place of feeling overwhelmed, at times hopeless, and even wondering if depression was creeping back in to stay, I have focused more on circumstances than Truth.  I knew that somewhere in my heart, but it was if even knowing that, I could not put my finger on what was wrong or how to stop it.  I was still doing my quiet time (key word "quiet"!) when I could manage to get a few minutes without children awake and making demands.  I was still having personal worship time where I cried out to God and poured my heart back to Him. I would have moments of total thankfulness for what He has given to me that I would pour out to Him.  If there was a checklist of things to do to get you back on track, I had done them...but still the dark cloud remained.

When Matt said in his sermon Sunday, "Identity theft started in the garden, " I knew that was the explanation of my current state!  Because of the circumstances around some of my children and the current issues it was causing in our home, the enemy had stolen my identity as a mother!  He had started with the half truths that were so believable because they had truth in them!  But then he kept on with his lies until he had me at a place where all joy and desire to be a mother had been replaced with bitterness and exhaustion and hopelessness! He stole my identity.  But Matt reminded me that the enemy is defeated!  For weeks I had listened to the little whispers, most of which were lies but were sprinkled with just enough truth to make them believable, and found myself in a place of being totally defeated as a mother.  Being a wife and mother was all I had ever wanted from the time I was a little girl!  And the enemy had taken and stolen that from me with his lies!

But here is the Truth! Revelation 12:10 "Then I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night.  And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony and they did not love their life even when faced with death."  (emphasis mine)  Did you catch that? He accuses us day and night, but he has been Thrown. Down.  We have Overcome him! Romans 8:37 says it like this, "But in all things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." I can take my identity back! 

How do I do that?  First, I get my eyes of circumstances that have allowed me to believe the lies, and I place them on Jesus that rose from the grave with the keys in His hand that unlock any chain of bondage that the enemy tries to wrap me up in!  Then I replace the lies the enemy has whispered over me with Truth!  I dig into the Word and find scriptures to literally speak over myself when I hear the lies!  I also have to daily lay down my life and take up my cross.  You see the decision to parent 9 children wasn't a one time choice.  It is a daily decision to lay down what "could have been" if we had not said yes to what God asked us to do and accept that what He has for us is better than anything that we could have gained in saying no.  It is taking those keys that Jesus gives us to unlock our prisons and as Matt said to shake them in the face of the enemy and remind him that I am free, and I am unwilling to put myself back in a prison by believing his lies! I am taking back my identity!  I encourage you to do the same in whatever area you may have found the enemy trying to steal who you are in Christ!

John 8:36 "So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed!" 

He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Ava: Today is the day

We finally have insurance approval, and today is the day we go for the blood draw for the Fragile X and chromosomal tests.  Ava is worried about the blood draw, but I reminded her how brave she was last time we had to draw blood! She didn't even cry!  So she asked if they could get the blood from the same arm in the same place! :) And then it was all better.  That is what I love about her!

Today really isn't such a bid deal.  I mean, all we are doing is drawing blood.  But for me, as a mother, today is kind of tough.  I think in the processing of what we are learning, today means that we truly know there is something that we don't know.  Today means there is something that doesn't function as it should in my daughter's body.  And for a mamma, that really is kind of a big deal.

I have sat and listened to "It is Well" by Bethel over and over.  Can I be honest? I am not there right now.  I am not ok with this! However, I can sincerely sing the song as a prayer that God will continue to work and mature me to a place where no matter what the tests say or what my little girl has to face because of what the tests show, it will be well.  And I know the key to that is how the song ends..."through it all, my eyes are on You".

Placing my eyes on Him and headed to school to pick up my little warrior and get this done! Then....we might just go have lunch and do some shopping! Shhhh! Don't tell the school!  :) But I think this mamma needs some time with my baby today!