Foster Care Redesign: A Call To Action

Yesterday I posted my testimony that was given to the Senate Health and Human Services Committee regarding Senate Bill 11. Senators Schwertner, Uresti and Nelson are the authors of the bill. I have spoke to staffers in all of these Senators' offices. But we need MORE voices! The only voices being heard right now with regard to Foster Care Redesign and further privatization are the ones who profit from it or who need to "save face" because they helped design it! There are amazing Senators on the HHSC who truly have a heart to do what is best for children. They need to hear us! We are the only ones who can speak up for the kids! 

This is a complex issue that I am going to attempt to make into bullet points that are easy for you to communicate to your Senator and Representative. If you do not know who your Senator or Representative is, go here to find out! In addition to your Senator or Representative, please contact those Senators who are on the HHSC! They are: 
Senator Charles Schwetner (Committee Chair) (512) 463-0105
Senator Carlos Uresti (Committee Vice Chair) (512) 463-0119 
Senator Dawn Buckingham (512) 463-0124
Senator Konni Burton (Senator for the current Redesign Area) (512) 463-0110 
Senator Lois Kolkhorst  (512) 463-0118 (If Senator Kolkhorst is your Senator, you should be very proud! She has a true heart for children and appears in the hearings to be seeking real solutions for positive outcomes for all children!)
Senator Borris Miles (512) 463-0113
Senator Charles Perry (512) 463-0128 (Senator Perry also shows a genuine concern for the outcomes for all children! You have a great child advocate in your Senator if Perry represents you!)
Senator Van Taylor (512) 463-0108
Senator Kirk Watson (512) 463-0114 (Senator Watson is new to this committee, but he was very involved in the hearing and seeking an understanding of the real issues and the best solutions for children! His office also expressed a desire to see a pilot of the current system fully funded! Please call his office if you support funding CPS fully so that workers can do their job and let him know he has your support!)

When you call say:

"This is ___state you name___ my zip code is ____7XXXX___. I am calling to voice my concern over the privatization of DFPS rolls in Senate Bill 11 as well as the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign. My concerns are:

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not accurately represent actual outcomes for some populations of children. 
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placement
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and redesign contracts include a silencing clause.Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children in other areas of the state. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to examine outcomes if the legacy system is given the needed resources to function with recommended case loads, maintain workforce, etc. Could it be that our current system will provide the desired outcomes for all Texas children if it is funded the way redesign is being funded? 

I have the same information below with some bullet points that expand on the concerns. If your Senator or Representative would like more details or needs more explanation to fully understand the issues with redesign and Senate Bill 11, I am happy to visit with them and provide more details, copy of emails, contracts, etc to back my concerns. They can reach me by calling Addy's Hope 432.897.1503.

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• The first redesign area failed completely when Providence withdrew their contract and left the children under their management in limbo as they moved back to CPS management.
• The current redesign area has been funded with $6 million dollars of private money. Money that cannot be guaranteed for all areas of Texas.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• For Example:  Agency B in Houston has 350 licensed adoptive homes. Agency B does not desire to contract with the SSCC in Catchment Area 3B because it is not lucrative for them to do so. Now children in 3B no longer have access to the 350 homes licensed by Agency B. This drastically reduces the odds of waiting children finding a forever home and increases the odds that they will age out of foster care.
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not necessarily accurately represent actual outcomes. 
• It is reported that adoption numbers are up in 3B. However, adoption agencies, CPS employees and CASA all report a decrease in matched adoptions as well as an increase in time it takes for the process to be completed when compared to the legacy system. When asked specifically about the number of matched adoptions being completed, we have been told those numbers do not exist.
• The numbers being reported for adoptions reflect the numbers of all adoptions including kinship as well as foster homes adopting children who become legally free. They do not accurately reflect the outcome for our older, harder to place children who are not being matched for adoption.
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placements
• placement of a sibling group of 4 was denied placement under Providence in 2014
• placement of a 16 year old was attempted to be blocked until adoptive parents advocated on her behalf for placement
• both scenarios were due to a contract issue and could have moved forward under the legacy system without issue
• families licensed for adoption with agencies under redesign are waiting 12+ months to be matched. With many of them becoming frustrated with the system and stopping the process. Comparatively, families licensed to adopt in the legacy system are waiting 3-6 months to be matched.
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and a contract from the current redesign SSCC for an adoption agency contained a silencing clause. Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children around the redesign area. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• a town hall meeting in 3b revealed the testimony of a foster mom who has an empty bed, but the CPS office 20 miles from her has a child sleeping on the floor. Because she was in 3b, and the child was not, the child had to remain on the floor and her bed remained empty. 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to see if with the needed resources the legacy system will provide the desired outcomes for all children and maintain the CPS workforce we need to secure to ensure the safety and well-being of Texas Children. 

THANK YOU for speaking up and being a voice for children! Please share with anyone who you know who has a concern for the current issues facing our children in state care!

Foster Care Redesign Is Not Working In Texas

I have had several people asking me about my testimony last week at the Senate Health and Human Services Committee. I ended up discarding my planned testimony to address the misinformation that had already been spoken in the hearing. I simply spoke to the Committee about my experience and the reality of the system for children. However, the Committee did receive this written testimony.

The hearing was actually over Senate Bill 11 which has Foster Care Redesign moving forward across the state, but even more alarming is that it wants to privatize even more rolls of CPS! If you know someone who works for CPS, you need to make sure they are aware of this Bill.  It would do away with their job with DFPS. This Bill is very alarming! I will be posting bullet points tomorrow that I would ask everyone to call their Senator and Representative to voice the concerns and challenge the misinformation being given.

This is what I presented to the Committee:

To:                   House Health and Human Services Committee Members

Background/Perspective:

I am a former foster parent, mother to 9 children (6 of whom are adopted), and executive director of an adopt only child placing agency. I have managed a contract with DFPS for adoption services for the past three and a half years. I attempted to secure a contract with Providence, and currently have a contract with OCOK. I have been a part of the adoption community for the past 15 years. I have a passion to empty the Texas foster system of children who are legally free for adoption, but remain in foster homes because of a lack of adoptive homes. I have a passion for recruiting, training, and supporting adoptive homes to ensure successful, life-long outcomes for our children who cannot return to their biological families.

Problems with Senate Bill 11

First, let me thank the committee for seeing the current state of our child welfare system and desiring a change. I commend you for that. However, upon reading the majority of Senate Bill 11, I am left with a sense of dread as it is clear that the issues with our system have been misdiagnosed. The issues that plague our current system and result in poor outcomes for children cannot be fixed with the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign or the privatization of more case management services.

My concerns over privatization of any aspect of case management for our children as well as the continued roll out of redesign across the state come not from theory or unsubstantiated fear. My concerns come from my actual experience with redesign and the current philosophy that the competition of the free market will ensure better outcomes for children.

My first experience with redesign was in 2014 when Providence, the SSCC in the catchment area for regions 2 and 9 refused to discuss a contract with me as an adoption only provider. During my first phone call to Providence I was told “We would never stand in the way of children finding a home.” That changed over the course of my 6 week battle for a sibling group of 4 to be placed in one of my licensed adoptive homes. I had a contract with DFPS. I met all of their requirements. My licensed home was located in the same catchment area, but because the SSCC would lose money by placing the children in my licensed home the placement was denied. That is a decision that was driven completely by profit margin. The outcome for those four children was a sentence to languish in foster care for three more years. One child remains in CPS custody still today. The siblings who would have remained a unit, are no longer able to live in the same home. Did redesign fix the system for those children?

Providence withdrew their contract in the midst of my conversations with the HHSC as well as Kaysie Reinhardt the DFPS Foster Care Redesign Director. As I continued to work in Region 9, my agencies home region, to place waiting children in licensed adoptive homes through my DFPS contract, I would have to wait 6 months for a case file for a little girl and her brother so that one of my families could move forward with adopting them. When I inquired time and again why we were having to wait, it was stated that the overwhelming task of transferring cases back to CPS from Providence had left the department paralyzed. What we would learn later is that every Sunday of that 6 months, that little girl went up to the alter at her church and prayed for an adoptive family. She had an amazing foster family who did a wonderful job of beginning her healing process and preparing her for a forever family. However, week after week, the little girl expressed her feelings of rejection that no one wanted her as their forever daughter. The heart ache of trauma of this little girl was extended by 6 months because of the failed privatized system of foster care redesign. I am happy to report that once redesign was out of the way, the little girl’s prayers were answered. She and her brother are thriving in their adoptive home and have far exceeded anyone’s expectations of progress in the time they have been in their adoptive home. Redesign did not fix the system for these children. And the case turn over when Providence withdrew leaves the question, what will we do with massive case turnovers when a SSCC does not renew their contract if we continue the move to privatization. There is not a good answer. It is an inevitable occurrence that will once again leave Texas children vulnerable and unaccounted for.  We are simply exchanging the cancer that currently plagues our system for another.

This was not an isolated occurrence with Providence. In the January of 2016 I was contacted by CPS and asked if I had an adoptive home for the twin sister of a 16 year old I had placed a few months prior. The sister was now ready to be adopted, and her amazing CPS worker was attempting to find a home geographically close to her twin sister to facilitate regular contact between the twins. Again foster care redesign threatened to stop the placement of a 16 year old girl simply because of financial reasons. I have black and white emails where the SSCC worker was willing to let her remain in an RTC instead of working to place her in an adoptive home that was ready to take placement – and could have moved forward without any hesitancy in the legacy system. Thankfully the potential adoptive parents along with the adoptive parents of the twin sister already placed advocated for their daughters. With the help of Representative Brooks Landgraff and Matt Krause, we were able to secure a contract with OCOK in order to place this young lady in a home where she is currently thriving – maintaining regular contact with her twin sister. For this young lady, redesign was a huge step backwards. She has a bright future despite redesign.

I hear many sing the praises of foster care redesign. There are many goals of redesign that I support 100%. However, as a person working on the ground, I do not see those goals being obtained for the children of Texas. I hear reports that are given by the people with a vested interest – either an interest in financial gain or an interest in saving face that redesign is worth the tax payer dollars it has used. This leads me to one of the biggest concerns of child advocates with privatization. How do we ensure quality outcomes when profit margin is the driving force? I am perplexed when I speak to those at DFPS as well as some who serve on the PPP for redesign. They all state there are amazing outcomes from redesign. It leaves me wondering where is the disconnect between the theory of what should be happening in this privatized system and the reality of what is actually happening for our children in care. For example, everyone I speak to about my concerns with adoptions under redesign refers to the increased number of adoptions occurring in catchment area 3b.  Yet, I have a conversation with the CASA office in Johnson County telling me that they have not had any of their children placed in adoptive homes in months and are wondering why that would be. I personally have experienced an increased delay in the process of selecting children for adoptive homes under redesign. If I am working with a CPS worker directly in the selection process, it takes a matter of weeks. Twice I have had to enlist the assistance of Governor Abbott’s office to simply get a phone call or email returned to by OCOK letting me know if children are still available for adoption or if my family was selected. Yet the numbers say adoptions are increasing. When I asked Ms. Reinhardt to see the numbers for actual adoptive placements of children who are legally free for adoption and placed into matched adoptive homes, I was told that data was unavailable. The adoption numbers being reported include those where children were adopted by their foster family as well as kinship placements. These are amazing and highly desired outcomes for those children. However, the reporting of those numbers as “adoptive homes” gives an inaccurate representation of the outcomes for our harder to place children who are remaining in foster homes when they should be in permanent, adoptive homes. 

I would encourage those on the HHSC committee to talk to the people on the ground. Ask foster families and CPS workers if they see an improvement in our system under redesign. I have yet to speak to any CPS case manager or foster family who feels redesign is a good model. At a town hall meeting in catchment area 3b, foster family after foster family expressed concerns over lack of support and poor outcomes for children. One foster family stated that they had a bed available in their home that was 20 miles from a CPS office where an infant was having to stay at the office due to no “available” bed. This foster mother was a 3b home and was therefore not allowed to take placement of this baby sleeping in a CPS office. So while redesign may show that fewer children are sleeping in offices, what do the numbers of the regions around redesign say? Is anyone looking at the entire picture to see what creating a competitive market for children’s cases does overall to Texas children? I have a string of emails I will be happy to share that show a region 3b family reaching out to a CPS worker in another region about adopting a Texas child because she has had no movement on her case in months. The CPS worker has a child she would like to consider placing in their home after visiting with the family. However, the placement is not allowed to occur because the family is told that her agency will not release her home study for a placement of any child outside of 3b. This young man’s only other family being considered was in New York. I believe this is an unintended outcome of implementation of redesign. But is anyone looking at these unintended outcomes? Or are we just looking at the numbers in the catchment area and ignoring the negative outcomes for all other Texas children?

Based on my experience, I would have to say the latter. CPS workers have been told they cannot speak out against redesign, or they will lose their jobs. My initial contract with OCOK had a silencing clause in it. Had I signed the contract as it was originally sent to me, I would not be able to sit before you today exercising my right to speak up for children without the threat of legal action against me. This begs the question, if redesign is all the numbers say it is, why do we have to silence the people who know the actual outcomes for children?

I understand the concept of free-market supply and demand. In a consumer driven market, consumer choice drives the demand for quality. I am told that is what will maintain the quality of care for children under privatized systems like redesign. Yet, I know providers who are being paid less under their contracts with OCOK than they were under contracts with DFPS. When asked why that is, service providers are told that OCOK must recoup some of it’s cost somewhere. How is paying a middle man, in this case an SSCC, making the best use of the funds available to in fact provide quality service to our children? That fact alone defies the entire philosophy of creating a privatized system that will ensure quality care of our Texas children.  We already have a vast shortage of agencies willing to license families for adoption only due to the drastic profit loss when an agency moves a child from a foster placement to an adoptive placement. That shows that outcomes for children will in fact be affected by a system based on monetary incentives. How will we ensure biological families are protected, and every child who could be returned home will be when an organization would profit from the child remaining in care? You cannot afford to give large enough incentives to reunify a child compared to what an organization would earn for keeping the child in care.

We need not look to Florida or any other state to see if privatization of DFPS case management works. The private sector in Texas, of which my organization is part, has proven is does not have the capacity to manage the vast needs of our children in care. This is why Providence failed and why we have seen no other redesign roll outs despite deadlines that have come and gone for the next SSCC to take over.

Suggested Solution:

I believe if someone brings a complaint to the table, they should have a proposed solution as well. The sections of Senate Bill 11 suggesting we continue the roll out of foster care redesign as it is as well as begin to create privatization of other case management currently under the supervision of DFPS are simply exchanging one crisis for another.

I work with amazing people with DFPS who have a heart for children. They have a desire to do their job well so children have positive outcomes. However, they simply cannot do their jobs because of caseloads and supervisor turnover. We need to funnel all of our available funds into strengthening salary scales, and hiring more workers to make caseloads manageable. We need to have accountability on the local level and empower our regional offices to engage the community and take ownership of their outcomes for children. Harris County is giving us an amazing example of how this can work. Let us learn from their success and stop redesign roll out. We cannot simply exchange one cancer for another. We need real, proven, successful outcomes for our children. We must look at the facts of redesign as they apply to all Texas children and understand it has not truly created the outcomes it was in theory able to create. We cannot allow competition for outcomes and profits in one area of Texas by an individual organization keep children from another area of Texas from receiving quality care of permanence. We must not be divided in our efforts to help children, but come together united for all Texas children.

The question I leave with you is: if you want to continue the roll out of privatization of any case management of children where demand drives quality, what is the price tag for ensuring our children have the safety and future they deserve? I am quite certain it is a price you cannot afford. 

***After hearing some amazing people who have a heart of the children of Texas speak against Senate Bill 11 and all it's challenges, it became clear that there should be a pilot program that would fully fund one region of CPS from investigations all the way through post adopt programs. Lets fund the current CPS program with the money they are using to fund redesign and see if by chance what we have now will actually work when it is fully funded! Our children do not have time for us to get this wrong....and Foster Care Redesign is too costly and has already failed in one of two attempts! Our children cannot survive under those odds! 

Dear Church, Families Need You

After 14 years of knowing I had a call on my life for adoption, my calling and my church are finally meeting! Crazy, but true! I am super excited to be teaming with other adoptive families in my church to provide support for families in all stages of fostering and adoption!

But as we talk to families, I am aware more and more of the need for the Church (with a Big "C") to educate herself! The stories of families are just heart breaking.  John and I experienced first hand the inability of the Church to deal with the mess that often comes with loving the least of these that He calls us to bring into our home.  When our teenage daughter who had lived with us less than a year became pregnant, the immediate reaction of the church was to kick her out of the youth group.  Church had been my resting place in a time when my home was a battle ground.  And now, my church was a battle ground as well as I fought to have my daughter stay where she would be spiritually fed and not experience the feeling of being an outcast yet again in her life.  Another family shared a story of their small group not wanting them to bring their kids back because they told each other to "shut up", and they didn't want that around the other kids in the small group.  How many of you loving kids from hard places know that some days we are so thankful that "shut up" is all our kids are saying to each other! Can I get an "amen?!" Then there is the single mom who was told that her Autistic son was too much of a "liability" for them to allow in the children's ministry.  So you have a woman who has stepped out in faith to walk in obedience ALONE only to have the Church isolate her even more!

I truly believe that none of the leaders in these churches desired to hurt or wound or cripple families loving on children.  However, whether that was the desire or not, that was the outcome! Church, foster and adoptive families need you! They have stepped out in obedience, they have climbed out of the boat onto the water and are about to experience a storm with waves like they have never known before!  And many are doing this in response to sermons preached by pastors on Orphan Sunday! But they need more than a sermon telling them to do it; they need the Body of Christ wrapping around them not shoving them under the water!

What is the answer? I believe it is in education!  I believe church leaders need to understand the needs of these families and educate themselves and the staff or volunteers working with these children about the special needs of a child with a history of abuse and trauma.  There are amazing resources out now.  Get on YouTube and watch anything with Dr. Karyn Purvis.  Read Adopted for Life by Dr. Moore.  Read Wounded Children Healing Homes by Schooler, Smalley and Callahan.  These will give you a feel for what the families you are charged by God with shepherding are experiencing in their day to day life of loving these children and trying desperately to show them the love of Christ!

And to those churches who are already doing this, THANK YOU! I know there are many who are building adoption ministries from the ground up and are ensuring the education and training are in place with staff and volunteers before preaching the sermon encouraging families to answer the call to bring God's children home! Keep up the good work!

Lastly, to families who were wounded by the Church because she didn't know how to respond to your needs or your children as you walk this crazy path of fostering/adopting, on behalf of the Church let me say, I am truly sorry! I know the wounds can run deep and the hurt can be unbearable.  Please allow God to apply His healing balm to your heart and find a Body of believers to connect with who will walk with you!  God never intended for us to do this alone! It is a heavy and exhausting work that you have taken on, and you need others to hold up your arms from time to time.  Orphan care ministries are popping up all over our great country as more and more people answer the call to adopt and understand the needs that go with that.  Try to find one....and if you can't, start one! Just maybe you are the answer your Body of believers needs in this area.....

If not me than who?

The thing I tell people about adopting period, but especially through the foster system is that you have to be prepared for anything. We learned in Noah's adoption that God is sovereign. What we "think" we can handle really doesn't matter to Him. He KNOWS what we can handle and He picks our children accordingly! I have learned to trust that. The way we operate is not what can we handle, what illness/handicap/label will we take or what behavior can we deal with. This is not a normal way to look at it...and even as an agency director, I can say would make me nervous for someone I didn't know well enough to know their faith walk to tell me is the way they decide if a child will fit in their family or not! We simply ask God if this is our child. It is how we have done it with every child that has come into our home any way but birth. We don't make a list of pros and cons. We don't ask if we can "deal with" the list of baggage the child comes with. Frankly, if we did, that answer would always be NO!

So in some ways we go into our adoptions with eyes wide open but with blinders on, if that makes sense. We don't deny what we are taking on, but at the same time, we trust God to provide what we need to parent any child He brings to us. Is it scary at times, absolutely! Does my trust waiver at times, more than I wish it did!

The most recent incident of putting this trust into play came with Baby Girl. We had become increasingly concerned because she was not talking. Not just she only had a few words, but NO words. At 12 months, she was using no verbal communication and no affection what so ever. She has no sense of stranger danger and would go to anyone, in fact, many times would go to someone else over me. So we started the battery of tests. Of course, attachment is one of the first things you start thinking when in the adoption realm as this is a "biggie" of buzz words. There were some signs of that. But would that make her non-verbal? Possibly. But are we dealing with more? The appointments began....

I won't go into full detail as this is a public place and never want to expose more of my children than they would want with specifics unless feel directed by God to do so. If you are struggling with some of the same issues and want to chat about your situation, I will be happy to visit with you privately! Just leave me a comment with your e-mail address or way to get in touch with you! Or you can always e-mail me.

I love our pediatrician! He is a very talented doctor who will leave no stone unturned. However, he is not a believer! There are tons of us praying for his salvation, so I believe he will be before God is done with him, but right now, he is not. He usually just shakes his head at me! He doesn't really get what we "do". He thinks its noble, but really doesn't understand why we do it. If I had a dollar for every time he has said, "You have your hands full.", I would be as wealthy as he is!

I wasn't able to go in for the consult with him about Baby Girl, so John handled it this time. I was at another doctor appointment! One of the not-so-fun things of being mom to 6 (almost 7), lost of doctor visits!!! Our pediatricians assessment of Baby Girl carried a diagnosis that I had wondered about since the first day I saw her, but had put to the back of my mind. It is the number one scariest thing for me personally if I were to give you my biggest fear for any of my adopted children. It has the most life-long implications - outside of the more severe handicaps and serious special needs of course. When we first heard the diagnosis (came from a counselor first a few weeks before the pedi), I lost it! I cried every time I tried to talk about it. I was angry! Angry at those in her life who had caused it, angry at God for not protecting her, angry at the system for not doing more for children sooner. Just angry! My Baby Girl was going to have to overcome a disability because of the sins of others. That made me mad! Than anger becomes hurt and fear finds its place as you play through the "what if" scenarios of the next lifetime with this child.

But this wasn't my first rodeo as we say in Texas! When we got all the backlash when we told everyone about adopting Noah and the background of his birth-mom, I had the same thoughts and fears. But the thing that I kept thinking was, "If not me, then who?" There is a child here. This is not a concept. This is not an idea. This is not a what-if. This is a flesh and blood, needing a home, needing a mother child! If I am not his or her mother, then who will be?

Our counselor is a personal friend, and she knows us well enough to not go into the "what this means" with us. She knows that Baby Girl is ours. PERIOD. It doesn't matter if she grew horns and a third arm. She is ours. That is settled. Our pediatrician on the other hand, well, he still just doesn't get it! So when John went to talk to him, he of course had to voice his concerns about life-long implications. The "you really need to consider this before you adopt her" speech.

I guess it took me back as we don't encounter that much anymore since those closest to us know our resolve when it comes to the children God has laid on our hearts as "ours". They may think the same thing as the doctor, and they may think we are crazy, but they don't usually voice it!

Even as John was telling me what he said, I looked into the dark brown eyes right below that curly black hair, and I knew it didn't matter! I am her mother. God blessed me with this precious life. This new news may mean more heart ache. It may mean more trying times. But I am her mother. I am not, then who will be? The thing is, its not just my Baby Girl struggling with this. There are thousands of children in our country right now who sit in foster systems because there is "then who?" for them! I will not add another one to the list because of fears of the enemy! You see, God can overcome ANY diagnosis! I love Dr. Karyn Purvis' view: the only label I will give a child is sinner! As I tell my doctor all the time, you can diagnose them as whatever you think, but if you tell them, I'll kill ya! We haven't done "labels" up to this point and we are not going to start now! Labels do not allow for the healing power of Jesus Christ! Labels do not allow for overcoming and meeting higher expectations.

Do we "consider" it before we complete the adoption. Yes. We consider it a privilege to be trust by God to raise up this Warrior Princess for His kingdom! We consider it a privilege to be entrusted with this fearfully and wonderfully made child who is created in the image of God! And we trust Him to handle all that will come with it!

The Journey: Good Bye Foster System!

I just can't seem to keep up on the blog! Sorry blog readers! But I eventually get around to posting! :)

We had an amazing Christmas! But the thing that was most amazing occurred on Christmas Eve. About 1:00 on Christmas Eve the doorbell rang with a surprise for Princess M, the 15 year old we are adopting. She was placed as foster because we wanted her here asap! That doorbell was the workers from CPS and Buckner coming to give her a great Christmas surprise! We signed papers that moved her from foster care to adoptive placement! It was just a few papers, but to her it was the world! It meant that she was no longer in the foster system! She has a home, a permanent home! We all cried!

We bought her a suitcase and left it with her when we met her so that she could have something to move her stuff here in. Little did we know it would have taken 15 suitcases to move all her stuff! But the suitcase was something God had told me to do when we first committed to her. After we signed papers, I told her to go get it. She looked at me funny and said she had things in it. I told her we would find new places for those things and to get it. While she went to get the suitcase, I went to get the utility knives. When she came back, we destroyed that suitcase! We wanted her to have a visual reminder that she is never moving again! At least not out of the family...maybe to college or her own place, but not because she has to! It was a pretty neat experience!

Princess M has said from the beginning that she wants to change her name. She doesn't just want a last name change, but a whole name change. We have let her take the lead in this as we were not opposed to her first or middle name, but kind of like the idea of changing them just as God changed many names in the Bible when they started a new life! We have had a few discussions about names since she came to us. God was gracious and provided a name that we could all agree on (it wasn't looking like that would happen for a while! A fifteen year old trying to name themselves for life can be challenging!) We had agreed on Isabella. We all like the sound of it, then when I looked up the meaning, I loved it even more! It means God's promise or God's oath! But we had yet to come up with a middle name. She had said I could pick a middle name, but I knew that was only partly true because if she didn't like it she would make that very clear! :) I had put some thought into it, but had not come up with anything. I was a little nervous the morning of the event knowing that she would want to start going by her new name, but I didn't have a middle name yet. But God, as always, provided, right no time! I was praying for her that morning and about the event that would take place. It is hugely significant for this young lady! It marks the beginning of the first day of the rest of her life. No, its not finalized, but it was huge for her that we were the first people to follow through with anything but fostering. It meant a ton to her that we would actually take that step, lose the financial benefits, etc to make her a part of our family and not just leave her as foster. It meant a ton to us because we understand the spiritual significance of adoption and what it means for her to truly be ours! As I prayed, God brought the name Ruth. I mean no offense to any Ruth's out there, but that has never been my favorite name. I like it, but its not one that I jump up and down for, you know. But I felt a definite urging that Ruth was to be her middle name. I have a name app on my phone since we are still picking baby names, so I looked it up. Immediately I knew Ruth was to be her name and I LOVED it! Wasn't sure how to convince her of it, but told God He would have to make her love it like I did! Through my tears, I read on my phone, "Ruth was the young moabite woman who said to her Hebrew mother-in-law Naomi "Where you go, there I shall go also; your people will be my people, your God, my God"." That was it! One of the biggest struggles we have had with adopting an older child is learning what she needs to pick up of us and what we need to let her keep of her old life. It has been a challenge at times for all of us! Even parts of her past she doesn't like, she wants to cling to because it is familiar and all she knows. Just like all of us! But we know without a doubt the main reason God has her in our home is because He has plans for her that require her to know our God! She needs to know the God who saves, the God who redeems, the God who loves her enough to rescue her not only from eternal damnation but from her worldly circumstances as well! My biggest fear and thus my biggest prayer since she has come is that we will not give her enough of this God in the three years we have until she can leave us to make her cling to "our God" the way she needs to in order to live her life for Him! So it was settled...her name would be Ruth, and my prayer would be that she will say as the Ruth of the Bible did - "My people are your people and my God your God!"

I just love that I serve a God who is not some big guy out there somewhere! He is so personal that He named my daughter! He is so personal that He speaks to us about any and everything, no matter how tiny we think it may be! Thank you, God!

Oh, and when I told her the story behing Ruth, she loved it just as much as I did and she has told all her friends where it came from! I love hearing her tell them! She lights up when she says it means she has a new beginning! She is so awesome!

We still can't show pictures, will be posting many in about 4 months when the adoption is consummated, but we can now use her name since it is changed! Our oldest daughter is Isabella Ruth Petree, Izzy to her friends! And she is even more beautiful and amazing than her name!

My Monday

Ok, I should be in bed, but, well, that is how my day has gone!

For my blog readers who aren't my friends on Facebook, let me just apologize for my lack of updates! Life has been quite insane at the P-tree house! Yes, we met Princess M! I described it like living in a Hallmark movie...all the way down to John asking her what she wanted for Christmas and her response being, "I already got it" and me in my not so stellar moment asking, "What?!" and her shy reply, "A family!" I did hold it together and not burst into tears right there at Olive Garden! But there were so many moments like that! I will cherish those first moments with her forever!

We did get the foster placement approved, so last Tuesday, Princess M came to live with us forever! Praise God! The last week has been a dream come true! I hopefully will have time to share more in detail later, but let me just say,

WE
ARE
BLESSED!!!!

She is an amazing young lady! After all she has been through, well, she just amazes me! Yes, I know, for those of you who have been there done this, we are in the "honeymoon" phase! But you know what, I am going to enjoy every second of it! And I will tuck each of these amazing moments in the back of my mind so IF the challenges come, I will remember this and keep walking with her! I am not going to ruin the good time looking for the bad! It never came with Toben! He never had the "other shoe fall" so to speak, so I am not going to look for it with her either. We are realistic. We know what we can be facing, and IF it comes, we will face it! We have already had a couple of hiccups, but they went amazingly well and God provided wisdom and comfort for all of us! I will trust Him to do the same with any future hiccups!

Now, back to my Monday!

Addy's Hope is doing a tour of homes to raise money for foster families. We have an amazing friend named Leigh-Anne who sets up our publicity for the event. We were in one paper Sunday and another this morning. Now, the stage is set!

So my Monday really began at 12:00 am...I was still up! I was rocking a baby who didn't want to go to sleep and talking to a teen who wanted to share her heart! After I got the baby down, the teen and I snuggled under a blanket on the couch enjoying some one on one time! It was an amazing time, but that meant I didn't get to bed until after 1 am...have I mentioned I am pregnant? The nausea this pregnancy has been almost debilitating! A mother of 7 really does not have time for nausea...and lack of sleep tends to aggravate it! But I wouldn't have missed my time with Princess M for anything, so I prayed that God would replace my sleep and set my alarm for a mere 4 and a half hours later. Didn't have to do that because before mentioned baby was awake again before the alarm was allowed to wake me!

That was the start.

So of course, I'm running late and working on less than full brain power! Have to be at a birth mom visit by 10 with a full day scheduled after that. The agency phone rings. I answer it. First mistake of many today!

The voice on the other end introduces himself as a pastor of a local church and proceeds to tell me he wants to visit with me about a quote in the paper. The article is not up on line yet, but here is the quote: “We have too many churches in Midland-Odessa to have kids living in orphanages,” HollyAnn Petree said. “I don’t think people know there’s a need and that it’s as drastic as it is.” He proceeds to tell me that he doesn't appreciate me saying that churches need to do more because they are already being asked to pay for hotel rooms and electric bills and all this takes money and parishioners are not giving more. I'm still not totally understanding where he is going, so I just proceed with my jolly attitude and tell him that he is in luck because that is the purpose of the tour of homes is to help offset the initial cost for foster families so that money is not an obstacle! He said he understood that but that he is tired of churches being asked by the government and everyone else to do more. I shared our testimony how we continued our work in Liberia after adoptions shut down for 18 months only because God supplied. I told him I would be more than happy to come talk to his congregation if he liked. I would issue them the challenge if he felt he had already asked them to give more than he should. He still wasn't happy. I then told him I would encourage him to go visit our local emergency shelter where 20-25 children under the age of five call "home" and look in their eyes and then we could continue this conversation. I don't remember all his comebacks. I just remember telling him that he must not read the same gospel I do because James 1:27 clearly states that we are to care for the orphans and widows in their distress and as long as 60% of our kids are having to be sent out of region and we have children in an emergency shelter, the local Body of Christ is not doing enough! He then talked about how they just couldn't do anymore and I should not be making such statements. I then told him I couldn't believe that a pastor of all people was attacking me for restating a challenge to the Body of Christ that was clear in scripture. He took great offense that I thought it was an attack (not sure what else you call it when he won't listen to anything I have to say!) He then went on to say that it was just not possible for the church to meet all these needs. I once again told him we must be studying different Bibles because mine says ALL things are possible for God....at that he said, I've had enough, good-bye and HUNG UP ON ME! My immediate reaction was anger, but very shortly it turned to heartbreak! Heartbreak that a man who calls himself a Christian and is LEADING a group of Christians would have such unBiblical character and thinking! I could go on and on about that...but I must get to the rest of my day!

I proceed to take Baby Girl to her visit with Princess M going with me as the plan was to register her for school this afternoon so she would be ready to start fresh tomorrow morning. The school she will go to wears uniforms, so we left today to finish getting what she needed for her uniform and school.

Then went to my parents for a short break before heading back to pick up Baby Girl. Was told when I picked her up that she had been put on one of the children's size picnic tables, left unattended and fell off head first. That would explain the bright red whelp on her forehead! I'll save my remarks about that for another day!

Went back to mom and dads to inhale a bite of lunch before heading off to my first "real" dr appointment of this pregnancy. They said it would take awhile, but I didn't know it would take ALL afternoon! I really didn't wait a long time for any part of it, they just put me through the ringer! I got there at 1:00 and left at 3:45. In that time frame, I had to decide what hospital to have the baby at, whether I would do a repeat c-section or try vaginal (although after two c-sections, they really don't give you much of an option - again a topic for another post!), what to do about some medication I am taking, and all without my husband! That alone nearly put me in tears...have I mentioned that it still has not sunk in that I am having a baby?! Really! I'm too busy to have a baby!

So if all that wasn't heavy enough, every other comment was about my "advanced maternal age"! By the time I left, I was thinking I needed to be rolled out in a wheelchair! It's nuts! I'm only four years older than that last time I gave birth, but you would think I am knocking on deaths door by the way they talk about you when you are 36 (but they go by 37 because that is how old I'll be when the baby arrives) and having a baby! I don't usually feel old, but today, well, call me Granny, I guess!

In the course of my appointment I find out that they are doing a glucose test (I am only 9 weeks, but due to my age and all :) they do one now AND later!). So I immediately know that I am not going to make it back to the house by 3 for the visit from our Buckner worker. I also worry if I will make it to the TV interview I am supposed to do at 4....did I mention I didn't know about the TV interview when I got ready this morning?????? Nough said!!! Just one more way God has reminded me that It. Is. Not. About. Me.

I would love to call these people to let them know, but Ava has played her counting game on my phone and it has died!

I realize that they are going to do a sono, so I go to the waiting room and get Princess M who I left in the waiting room happy as a lark with her new phone texting away! But thought she would want to see the baby...which she did. So she came back and I used her phone to call John to tell him to call all the other people.

Then we went into the sono room. As I told Princess M, if you didn't feel like family before, you should now! Nothing like bonding over a gyno exam! Geeze!!! Anyway, we finally got to the sono, and I was amazed! My last sono was only a little over two weeks ago. We saw two circles with a little flitter in one. When the image popped up this time, there was a baby waiving at me and kicking his two little legs as fast as he could! I gasped out loud! Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day! I couldn't believe it! There is a baby inside of me! I know that sounds crazy, but really, I don't sit and dwell on it like I did with the other two pregnancies! I don't have time! So to see that life, kicking and waving, well, there are no words!

I would love to share the picture of "Our Little It" as Princess M now lovingly refers to the baby, but as has been par for my day, the disc is presently no where to be found. Upon its recovery, I will share with you!

We finally leave the doctors appointment. I speed to my parents to pick up the babies and Ava who have caused all kinds of havoc for my parents whose house is on the tour this weekend. I'm apologizing and feel horrible that they had the kids for so long! We load up and head to McDonald's because Princess M is having a french fry craving...amazing how everyone but me is having cravings around here! SO we sit in the mall parking lot eating our french fries waiting for John to come switch cars and take these four children home to meet the other three who are pretty well angry that they had to walk home because I was thirty minutes away when they got out of school (we only live a few blocks from the school and Callie has a cell phone!). Oh, let me explain, we are sitting in the mall parking lot because the tv station that I am about to do the interview with is in the mall! Yes, I said "in the mall"! Only in West Texas does that happen!

So let's recap the day: get up late, don't wash my hair, do a "day 2 do", put on as little make up as possible to get out the door as fast as possible and haven't been home since. And now, right after a gyno appointment, I am interviewed for tv! Vanity has never been a huge issue for me, but today was even a little much for me! None the less, I did the interview and I pray that people will hear the message and buy tickets so that we can get more and more foster homes for these kids! And if the "Church" is doing too much Mr. Terry at Memorial Christian Church, then I guess the WORLD will have to take up the slack?! Give me a break!!!!

So that was my day! Oh, I did forget to mention that at the end of the doctor visit, they gave me the bill for our part of the baby! That caused a mild - ok, I'm fibbing, a major panic attack about the financial part of another baby!

So right now, at 1 am on this last day of November, I listen to one of my seven snoring like a freight train, another one cooing in her sleep, and know the others are resting peacefully. Across the house, my poor husband who I know is probably just as overwhelmed with it all as I am sleeps. I sit here. I know that each of these lives is a blessing. I know without a doubt that God has called us to each and everything that we are doing, but I feel totally and completely overwhelmed! Overwhelmed that He would trust me with this much. Overwhelmed with the battles that I know we will fight each and every day for the children under our roof and those God is calling us to be the voice for who don't have a roof! I feel totally and completely unqualified and honestly a complete failure at the majority of what He has called me to do.

But those are all feelings! I will go to sleep now. I will rest and pray that God replaces the sleep I have once again lost as I needed time to just process it all. I will wake up again in the morning and start my day by digging into the Word for the Truth! I will not walk based on feelings! I will walk by faith and not by sight! I will trust the One who already gave His Son for me! I will not look a Savior in the face who after being beaten and spit upon and called names that crushed him STILL went to the cross for me and say, "I've had enough. I quit." I will not do it! Mr. Pastor, I challenge you to the same! Whatever your church is doing, I challenge you to do more! I may have 7 children under my roof, but as long as there is a child who did not get tucked into bed tonight by her mommy or daddy, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! As long as there is a widow who is cold tonight because she has no heat, I. AM. NOT. DOING. ENOUGH! It was a command, not a suggestion! And God says that I can do greater things than even John the Baptist who was the greatest at that time! I may feel overwhelmed, but the truth: I have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb! Bring it on Tuesday! I'm ready for ya!!!!

Mother to six....

Exhausted, dishes in the sink, laundry piled high, work on the dining room table, still have a baby to put to bed...makes me start wondering why or if I should do this mom of six thing. Then B-man giggles and smiles that smile that makes his eyes disappear and lights up his entire face! Then I know I can because God has called me to it and I have to because each of these precious ones needed a mommy to tuck them in tonight. So I will keep rocking then start laundry and wash dishes....and will rejoice that I am blessed to lay my head down tonight as mother of half a dozen!

Valiant Warrior

I have been praying a series of scripture prayers over my home and family for a couple of weeks now. They are amazing! I can literally feel the mood in our home lift. I need to pray them again right before the kids come home now that school has started.

Today, as I was praying, for John, one of the prayers was Judges 6:12, "The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said to him, "The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior." God impressed on me that I needed to share this with John...God sees him as a valiant warrior! Isn't that awesome? I love it!

But as I read the context of the scripture so that I could know what it was that God was asking me to share with John, I realized God pointed me there for me as well as John. Maybe not the valiant warrior part, but the versus before and after that spoke to me greatly!

The first part of chapter 6 are the words God spoke to a prophet of that time. Verse 10 (the end of where my Bible divides the first section of that chapter) ends with, "But you have not obeyed me." So this is where things change! Up to this point in chapter 6, God has rescued Israel. He has taken them out of bondage and provided them with victory in every battle they have touched.

Enter Gideon. He is going about beating the wheat into wine "in order to save it from the Midianites. Then the angel of the Lord appeared to him and said to him, 'The Lord is with you, O valiant warrior'." Then HollyAnn said, well, that is not exactly what the Bible says, but it COULD! "Then Gideon said to him, "O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about"...oh my! Ever have your words appear to you in the Bible after you have said them? I have said "if God is for us, or if He is with us, then why has all this happened???? I have said that to John probably tens if not hundreds of times over the past 3 or 4 years. It seems that each time we step out in faith, the ending is less than favorable!

The Lord's answer? "Go in this your strength and deliver Israel from the hand of Midiean, Have I not sent you?" When GOD send us, we have victory! Wow! It gets even better! Gideon then answers again, "O Lord, how shall I deliver Israel? Behold, my family is the least in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father's house." How many times have you listed all the reasons you can't do what God told you to do? I don't have enough energy for one more child, Lord. I am just a housewife in West Texas, I can't turn the heart of Liberian leaders. I am just human, I can't hold this relationship together. I am already doing so much, I can't add one more thing to my plate. The list goes on and on!

You know what God says to that list? "Surely I will be with you." (emphasis mine). The Lord then tells him that Gideon WILL defeat the enemy as just one man! Gideon still isn't sure! I love that! I love that God shows us in His word His servants that have gone before us that were just as unsure as I am from time to time! Gideon has seen the angel of the Lord and he still wants more confirmation this is what he is supposed to do. Ever done that? I'm guilty! So the angel of the Lord takes the soup that Gideon prepared for him and pours is on a rock. Then he reaches out a staff to it and "fire sprang up from the rock and consumed" it! Well, if he had any doubts left, that did it!

But it gets better! Oh how I love God's Word! Even though Gideon knew without a doubt what God was asking him to do, he was scared to do it! Been there? You know that you know that God has given you a command. And with all your heart you long to obey, but fear is still there. Have we sinned? Not yet! The sin comes in if we let the fear stop us. If we, like Gideon, proceed in our fear to obedience, we have not sinned, but shown God in His full glory and strength! In my weakness (and fear) He is strong! Verse 27 of chapter 6 says, "Then Gideon...did as the Lord had spoken to him; and because he was too afraid of his father's household and the men of the city to do it by day, he did it by night."

I love it! He was still afraid, so afraid that he performed what he was told to do in the dark of night. But he did it! He followed God's voice and command to walk in obedience.

I can list a dozen or more things that God has called me to do and after arguing with Him about why I am highly unqualified to do it, I proceeded 'in the dark' for fear of the thoughts or reactions of those closest to me.

I think of this a lot as I talk to families about adoption...especially inter-racial adoption. Many of the older generations, and some even of current generations, don't understand and truly believe in their core that mixing colors is an abomination of God. I am sure Gideon's family thought that destroying the alter to Baal was an abomination to say the least, but who was right? What if Gideon had succumb to the attitudes of his family.

Now, I'm not saying this gives anyone the right to go rogue and be arrogant with family in the things God has called them to, but I am saying that God gives us a perfect example here of a man who had to go against the wishes of his family in order to obey God.

I can honestly say that neither of our families think we should add kids to our life. The fact that we are considering another foster placement just has them puzzled and scared for us. And it makes me doubt my ability to do what God has called me to, makes me think I must be mistaken in being open to another placement. Probably could say they felt the same about the addition of Baby Girl as well. They have accepted Baby Girl. My parents have been a life saver in all that we have had to do for her with her being a foster child. They have helped me out to the point that I know I couldn't have done it without them! So I don't in anyway want to paint either of our parents in a negative light here. But I do want to encourage those who are facing opposition from their families. It doesn't have to just be adoption...maybe God is calling you to sell your possessions and move to a mission field over seas, maybe God is telling you to leave a lucrative career in order to pursue a passion that God has put inside you, whatever it is God is telling you to do, DO IT! Don't let the opposition of family or friends who mean well in their criticism keep you from obeying God!

Go for it because, "the Lord is with you, O valiant warrior!"

The Journey: For Jo

I want to respond to a comment I got on my last post about Little Guy...Jo, I did publish your comment, even though you could not be further from the truth...and I will explain why!
Hollyann,

I usually enjoy your posts and this is my transparent response - (we can be transparent too right?LOL).

No seriously, taking the last two posts together, it seems to me you rejected this little boy because: (a) your mom wouldn't like his braids; and (c) because his skin color wasn't your preference. In fact, after these two factors became apparent, your "heart was shut immediately." That's about as shallow as one can be. Wow.

I know you will either not post this or chalk it up to just another person attacking you. Or someone who doesn't really know you (even though the words are for the world to read). I'm sorry if that is usually the case. But this time, your last two posts are offensive. But, hey, its "transparent", so that makes everything just fine and unchallengable!

ugh.

Jo

First let me address why you concluded that I 'rejected' this little boy. If you will scan down my posts, you will see pictures of all five of my children. I'm not sure where you can say that I would turn a child away because of skin color. I have children of all shades. And have desired that since I was a child. But since you don't really know me, you wouldn't know that. And for the braids, yes, that would have been a challenge with my parents. And in fact, that concern is one of the least shallow things I could think. You see, once again because you don't know me, what you don't know is that my parents have been against all of our adoptions. They don't totally understand why we do what we do. They have come to respect it over the years, but even with the decision to take on another child, they had real concerns and were pretty well against it. Why I say it is not shallow to think of that is because when we have family pictures later this year, that little boy will be in them. That means that whatever child I bring into my home will be in the family portrait that my parents hang on their wall. When we adopted Noah, I didn't consider that. I very arrogantly told my parents about our decision to adopt Noah and pretty well just told them to accept it because we were adults and they couldn't stop us from doing it. That was shallow. But in the adoption journeys since then, I have come to realize that what we do does affect them. Will I ever choose pleasing my parents over walking in obedience to God, I pray I won't! But ultimately, considering that is not shallow and the feelings of fear about having to deal with their feelings about the braids, well those are real. I can deny them and pretend to be perfect, but that doesn't help me or the number of people reading my blog who have thanked me for my transparency in my decisions and dealing with inter-racial adoption. Those people read the heart in all my posts and understand that I don't make any decisions based on hair style or skin color, but on hours of prayer and being on my face before the Lord begging for His answers and submitting my will to His. Do I always succeed in making the right decisions, definitely not. But I can guarantee you that every decision from adoption to where to send my kids to school to how to spend our money is made at the foot of the cross with a heart that only desires to please God and glorify Him.

As far as my posts being offensive, I'm sorry that you chose to take them that way. My heart was shut immediately. But as I stayed and played with the Little Guy and as I prayed for wisdom over the situation, my heart opened...why else would I have been trying to find a way to accept the referral of him and his sister? Did you miss that part? His skin color and braids were not stopping me from pursuing it all the way to the point that God said, stop.

And for the skin color part. As I explained, that has to do with sensitivity to a child I have already committed to...my son. This is based on a conviction that I have had for over a year now...and have stood on even when my own husband didn't necessarily agree with me. Now that Toben has voiced these concerns, John totally agrees with me. Our decision to not take Little Guy was based on MANY things. I didn't go into all of them in my post about peace. But let me explain a little more here since you have brought up the skin color.

We are at 5 kids. In Texas, you can only have 6 kids total in your care before you have to be moved to a group home. When you become a group home, you are supposed to only take in kids who are 5 or older. That is not what John and I feel comfortable with at this time in our lives. I would LOVE to adopt older children, and in fact, we pursued a sibling group of 6 who were 7-16. You can read about that in older posts. But God shut that door and was gracious to show us the reason for that placement consideration. Ever since then, we have agreed that we needed to take in younger children. This has a lot to do with our calling in life...what I know I was put on the earth to do. I have a very strong call on my life to help children find families. I am blessed to know many large families...and by large I mean 9-20 children. I don't see us as a "large" family - a fact that just blows John's mind! John and I have talked many times about our admiration of these families. One thing that you notice is that their family is their calling. They do little else. They can't. When you have that many children, you need to limit outside activity to make sure you are serving your children and spouse. I stand firm on my belief that my family is my first and most important calling. I have gotten that out of balance at times with my work in Addy's Hope. So I am very protective of that now. As we look at adding children to our family, we also have to look at our role in Addy's Hope. John and I stood in our kitchen before calling Buckner and talked about what adding two toddlers to our family would mean. It would greatly hinder my ability to go to churches and talk about the need we saw at the group home. It would greatly hinder my ability to have couples over to the house to talk about what they feel God is asking them to do by adopting or fostering but are scared to death. I know my limits, and I know my calling. I greatly admire the women who have more children than me and handle it like pros..even home schooling! I don't judge them, I many times envy them. But I am confident in the calling God has on my life and that means I can't look at them and try to make my life look like theirs any more than they need to make their life look like mine. It means we all seek God for ourselves and walk in what He calls us each to...that is what makes The Body the I love so dearly function as a Body! We are nearing the limit of children we can handle at this stage of life with the calling God has on me for adoption as a whole. That means adding a child who is not full African American could possibly mean Toben grows up without a child who looks like him. I don't believe that is what is best for him, our family or what God has called us to. If you read back over my posts from The Journey, you will see where I post over and over that I am very confident that God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. They guide us to the child He has for us. Does he ask us to be open to things that are not our desires at times? Yes, and I believe He did that with Little Guy and I answered with a resounding, Yes, Lord! I am your bond servant! May it be to me as you desire! But in the end, He didn't say bring him home. He used Little Guy in my life, but I think more importantly in John's life, to solidify our calling to motivate and act as a catalyst to empower churches to empower their people to respond to the epidemic of children in need of families in our nation and around the world!

Jo, I don't know if you are a foster parent or adoptive parent or who you are because your profile is not public. I always find it ironic that the people who leave the most negative comments are the ones who do not have public profiles. I'm glad you have "enjoyed" most of my posts. I would love for you to continue reading my blog. But I would encourage you to not leave negative comments on my blog or anyone elses if you are not going to be bold enough to at least have your blog public and open yourself up to the same kind of criticism from strangers that you are giving to me and anyone else that you leave such comments on their blog.

I could have posted the nice, thought about, wrapped up thoughts on my blog. I could have left out the messy ones. The ones that aren't generated from God...the ones that I can look back later and know the enemy was using to derail me...but I chose not to even with the criticism of people like you. I do that because I believe it is VERY important for those of us who have gone before to be frank about our feelings and fears in adoptions...especially inter-racial adoptions. That way those who are being called to do this and are just beginning are not discouraged and dissuaded by their own fears and thoughts that they are too scared to speak because of people like you who will judge them and put them down.

Since you don't have a public profile and I don't know if you are a foster or adoptive family, I don't know if you have ever had to wrestle with any of these kinds of thoughts. If you are an adoptive or foster family and you have never had any of those "what if" or "is this the match for me" thoughts and took every child that came your way without question, then you are either a saint or not totally honest with anyone...including yourself. I have walked many adoptive parents through the process of deciding whether a placement is right for them. The ones I respect the most are the ones that wrestle with that decision. It shows that they are very serious about the role they have in taking in a child. It shows that they believe that adoption is permanent! They are not a family who will give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, place the child back up for adoption like some do. I truly admire families who wrestled this out....even if in the end it meant they turned down a placement.

You said you are only being transparent. I would encourage you to be more transparent...open your profile so I and anyone else who wants to can read your blog! That is true transparency!

Lastly let me say, thank you for your comment. It did make me go back and evaluate what I said and how we made our decision. I don't know you, but God used you to fulfill Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And for that I am grateful!

The Journey: Peace After the Storm

Sorry to not have updated last night or earlier today. I just needed a break from the emotions and thoughts of the past couple of days. I was worn out! Totally exhausted! But as I write this, I am at total peace. God is so faithful!

We said no to the referral. I know many will be shocked by that, but after much prayer, much talking to many people and each other, we said no. I left the final decision to John, but I have total peace with what he decided and why he decided it. John even got an e-mail from a friend who knows us just about as well as anyone that very humbly said he thought he might have a Word for us. He even pulled over on the side of the road to type it out and send it to John.

Basically, John's feelings were confirmed by the e-mail. John felt that we needed to make the trip to the children's home so that he (and I, I'm sure) could be exposed to the horrific truth of an emergency shelter for children under 5. It made us realize even more the need and the direction God wants to take Addy's Hope. We will be working with some foster agencies and CPS to hopefully make a difference in fostering in our area. The Body of Christ just has to do more! We hope to be a part of the catalyst to do just that in the months to come.

We talked to Buckner several times yesterday and they talked to the case worker for Little Guy and sister. More than likely sister will go to a relative (that is not a relative for Little Guy). The "System" will almost always place with a family member over a foster home even when it means separating a sibling group. I don't believe that is best....unless the child already has a bond with that family member, but that's just one of many things I don't agree with the system! So ultimately, we were just looking at accepting a referral for Little Guy alone.

I really didn't feel like we should do that. One thing about processing a decision on a blog is that you have it all out there...makes it hard to rationalize away disobedience! I have looked back at some of the things God showed me and spoke concerning this situation to make sure I am not rationalizing anything away. In particular, the scripture in James that says if you know the good you ought to do but do not do it, you sin. I prayed much over that scripture after we decided to not take Little Guy. God brought peace for me over that! He assured me that we did the good we were supposed to do....we were open! We didn't let anything about the situation or circumstances scare us away. We walked in obedience every step...even to asking for a van to be donated. That was what He was asking of us. I don't pretend to understand the way God works, but this isn't the first time that God did heart surgery on me to make me open to a road I wouldn't have taken before the heart surgery only for God to stop me and place me back on the road I was on before the heart surgery! Clear as mud?! Basically, God worked in my heart to make me totally open to obedience....no stipulations, just ready and set to obey whatever the price, whatever the sacrifice, whatever the command! John and I also were strengthened through this, I believe. I had to trust his decision, and he had to trust I would be ok with his decision. I can truly say that I give thanks for the process God just brought us through even though we didn't end up with Little Guy and sister. But you can guarantee one thing, I will be praying for them both! I will pray that they are placed in loving homes that will teach them about Jesus!

What now? Well, we're not sure, but I still believe we will have another child, and we told Buckner that we are still open to another placement. I did ask that it be a full African American child. Toben has really expressed through this process his desire/need for a child that looks like him. Callie has Ava, Ava has Callie. Noah has Baby Girl, Baby Girl has Noah. And Toben, well, he is our only dark chocolate sweety! Some kids could be ok with that, I'm sure. But he has expressed several times that he wants a child that looks like him in the family. There is no guarantee that the next child will be in our home permanently, we are still fostering , but we always want to be ready to keep whomever comes into our home. We never want to have a child removed from our home because of our decisions! We want to make sure a placement in our home can stay until he/she has to leave for other reason.

I don't have a sense of a boy or girl, and we are good with either. So we only asked that it be full African American. We are only approved for up to age 3, but you all know if I have my preference, the next baby P-tree will be straight from the hospital! That will be my prayer, but as always, I will keep my heart open to whomever God has for us!

So we are still looking at what we can do for a car. Since we are doing Dave Ramsey, and since I am no longer on salary with Addy's Hope, there is no room for a car payment. But if we get even just one more child, we will not have room for the whole family. Since we feel pretty certain there will be at least one more child, we need to start thinking about that. But it is not the crisis it was Friday when we thought the placement of a couple of kids rested on us finding a 12 passenger van!

To all who have prayed and sent words of encouragement, THANK YOU! Thank you for walking this journey with us. I know your prayers are what made the decision so peaceful! So many were praying for wisdom and it seemed to come easier and quicker in this decision that just about any I can remember...well, other than the decision to marry John! :) But truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for praying, for e-mailing, for messaging, for commenting! It has meant the world to me through the past four days! Stay tuned....I will need your prayers again in this journey, I am sure!

And if you are in the West Texas area and you are thinking about being a foster family, can I encourage you to quit thinking and take the training?! Don't use praying about it as an excuse or delay! Take the training...that doesn't commit you to anything and will give you a better sense of what you will be getting into. Take the step of obedience, will you? I will walk with you if you have no one else to walk with you! It is my passion! It is my life call! Let's get these kids in homes!!

Walking this journey one step at a time!
HollyAnn

Totally Undone

We went. We saw. We left. I fell apart. I am still not back together.

No words will ever be able to describe what happened to me...and John on August 12, 2010. I thought after 9 years in the adoption ministry, being to two African countries, numerous orphanages that shock and whatever it was that happened yesterday wouldn't happen again. I was wrong!

*****WARNING: Totally transparent post to follow! You are reading the words of a broken heart, a mother bear, who is still processing what she saw and what she is supposed to do about it. These are not thoughts that have been processed or neatly wrapped in a pretty package. These are raw emotions/thoughts that I am sharing in true transparency so those walking this journey of adoption/fostering with me or thinking about it can know that if this happens to them, they are not alone! If you think you might be offended by reading raw thoughts on an American orphanage...please don't read or if you do, don't judge, please!******

I am NEVER early! Yesterday, I was 10 minutes early to the group home. The kids and I drove around a bit then we went to the main office to wait for John. He arrived and we walked to the home. There are several homes beside the group home forming a horseshoe. The first one was the one we were told to go to. The head caretaker met us at the door and welcomed us in. She was very nice. The home was clean and you can tell an attempt was made to make it homey...but a house is not a home as we all know. It still felt sterile. It was dark. There were itty children everywhere! The caretaker looked at me and said, "Which one is he?" My eyes scanned the moving sea of children. I started to point then turned to her and said, "I don't want to pick because if I pick the wrong one, I will be embarrassed!" She laughed and said, "You were pointing at him." This little guy toddling in front of me with a Spiderman shirt and braids was Little Guy! His eyes were stunning...leery, but stunning. I bent down to talk to him and he took off running for the nearest big person he knew as familiar! I backed off and just talked to him and started talking to the other children. My brain and heart were trying to take in all I was seeing. About that time, the oldest boy in the home...maybe 7 or 8 walks up to me and says, "Are these new kids here?" referring to my children. My mommy heart wanted to wrap my arms around all my kids and scream, NO! And just as quickly my heart broke for that little boy who didn't have a mommy to feel the same about him. That was the first crack of many in my heart that would come in a flood in the next hour.

I had told John when we were talking about visiting that I wondered if we were supposed to visit because Little Guy might not be who we were supposed to take, but some other person there might be. Frankly, (remember I warned you that this is a truly raw and transparent post!) my first impression of Little Guy was not one of love at first sight.

I am convinced that Toben needs someone who looks like him in our family. Little Guy is bi-racial and very light skin toned. So that immediately made me question. Then there were the braids. When you foster, you can't cut their hair unless birth parents give you permission. And I think a lot of times, birth parents won't allow it because it is one of the only things they can control in a situation like that. All I could think of was what my mom and dad would say when they saw him! They are already very concerned and not thrilled about the idea of us adding to our family, his image definitely would not help that at all. My heart was almost shut immediately. But then we stayed.

I went and sat down on the floor and the kids stated coming over to me. Eventually, he got close enough that I could talk to him. I looked down and had the not-so-bright idea to give him one of my bracelets...remember I said there were itties EVERYWHERE! And each one wanted one of my bracelets. God was gracious and the rest seemed to melt away and it was just me and him. I would put it on my arm then put it on his and his eyes would light up and he would laugh. I gave him another and he put on on each arm. We were almost friends after that. John on the other hand was still sitting on the other side of the room because if he got anywhere close, Little Guy became *very* anxious.

They lined the kids up to go outside. As they were lining up, this little girl who had immediately caught my (and Callie's) eye came and put her arm around my shoulders (I was still sitting on the floor). She was gorgeous! She was bi-racial, but darker than Little Guy. When we walked in to the room, she was getting her hair done by one of the workers. It was puffy and beautiful! Her eye lashes were long and her eyes were stunning...much like Little Guy's. In fact, as I looked at them there together, I had to ask! "Are they related?" I had been told that Little Guy had three older siblings, but they were being placed in other places. I had gotten the impression that they were much older, so it really hadn't occurred to me until that moment that this might be his sister. But she was in fact Little Guy's sister! My heart stopped! Then I remembered my conversation with Buckner. Little Guy's sister had a home she was going to, but it would not be ready until mid August. I breathed again...a little disappointed actually to recall that fact. So I said, "but she has a home that she is going to, right?" The answer, "She did, but it fell through." What? Took a moment for my brain to process what I was hearing.

Then all the little ones were going outside, so I got up and we went out with them. There was a small back yard with several ride-on toys and a little playhouse. Ava went right out there like she owned the place and started playing in the play house. I heard a scream from the corner and it was the sister...someone had taken the bike she wanted. She spent most of the time outside sitting right in that place with a frown on her face! The rest of the time she spent in Callie's arms.

We talked more to the workers and asked some questions about Little Guy and sister. How are they together? Are they having visits? How do they interact with the other kids? Are there any major concerns that they see? Nothing alarming came out. But as I looked at the sea of children and as child after child came up to me with smiles, my heart just kept breaking.

Honestly, I couldn't process what I was seeing. My head knew that these children *lived* here. This was not a daycare. No parents were coming to pick them up in a few hours to take them home for a nice hot meal and tuck them in tonight with prayers and kisses. In fact, I found out that no one lives at the house. They are all only caretakers. I thought this group home had house parents, but not even that. Don't get me wrong, the workers were very nice and seemed to genuinely care about the kids, but they are not a mom and dad.

The kids went back inside and were seated in the dining room at a large table for dinner. Workers started bringing out white paper plates with half a sandwich, chips and pretzels on each one. They said a prayer and the children started eating. We took that as our cue to leave. I said bye to all the kids and went over to Little Guy and kissed his cheek. Not knowing if I was kissing my soon to be son bye or kissing a little boy I would never see again. My head was reeling from all I had just witnessed.

We walked out the door. We were only a few steps from the door when Ava says, "Can we keep the baby boy?" I kind of laughed and said, "He's not a puppy." To which she replied, "So can we take him home?" I was already fighting back tears and tried to squeak out, "We will have to see." We started the walk to our cars and about half way there, I lost it. Sobs...not just tears, but sobs from the core of my being! I was trying to hold it together in front of my kids, but the reality of what I just left hit me like a brick wall.

I.
Will.
Never.
Be.
The.
Same.

I had just seen my first American orphanage. They call it a group home. I don't care what words you call it, It. Is. An. Orphanage!

It's not like I haven't stayed in an orphanage before, much less visited numerous ones. I am still puzzled by my (and John's) reaction to the place. And don't get me wrong, the organization running the home is doing a great job at what it is. The home was clean, it was decorated to some extent, the children were all clean and well-dressed. The workers were nice and seemed to truly care for the children. But, it was not a home! There were no parents to kiss away hurts or say bed-time prayers or love these children with the love of a mommy and/or daddy!

We call ourselves a civilized society. Places like Liberia, well, we expect to see orphanages for children in need. Not. In. America! And specifically, Not. In. My. Backyard!

In about 15 minutes I went from devastated, to overwhelmed, to angry, to heartbroken, and then numb. Talk about sticking your head in the sand....I wanted to do just that! I wanted to take my family to eat, then go home and erase all I had seen. I wanted to pretend like I never heard of Little Guy or his sister and just go on with life with my five children in my happy, comfortable home and car.

But before the numbness hit, I made a phone call to Buckner to ask about the sister and tell them we were going to need some time to process before we could give an answer! I asked about becoming a group home so that we could take more than 6 kids (sister would put us up to seven). I didn't really have a clue what I was saying, all I knew was that if she didn't have a home, we were not taking him and leaving her behind! I could take her and leave him behind easier than I could leave her, but that really isn't going to happen either, I don't think. (remember....raw, transparency here!)

It wasn't until we stopped to eat and John and I were talking that he reminded me that neither of our cars will hold 7 kids and me! I couldn't even take the kids to school...forget going anywhere as a family in one car! My heart sank. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

Pretty well all night last night, I couldn't really think about what we needed to do. I couldn't really wrap my head around it. I tried to keep pushing it to the back...and had just about succeeded in forgetting for a moment as we had taken the kids to family night at the museum...there were all kinds of lizards, snakes, iguanas, fish, etc. It was a ton of fun! Ava even pet a hissing cockroach....grossed me out! In all that excitement two little people with frizzy hair were just about out of my mind when I turned a corner and there he was...Little Guy and his friends from the home were right in front of me! I went over and took him from his worker...he protested until he saw John then he clung to me for life. Not sure how that is really going to work if he comes to live with us....but with time, it will be ok. And the fact of the matter is as John and I talked this morning, he will be that way with anyone that he goes to live with! So someone has to say YES to this little man!

Even as we came home and I knew I had to start thinking about what we were going to decide for a placement, I couldn't find any peace or even any clarity of thought to even process it all. I finally just had to tell God that He was going to have to give me some rest and then provide clear answers in the morning.

As I woke this morning with a little on in bed with me (Ava snuck in some time during the night!), James 4:17 was running through my head: "Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." Well, that is pretty plain, isn't it. The problem at this moment is that I don't know the good I ought to do. I am still waiting for some answers.

But we are ready! We are ready to take them both. We just need a car. We don't have money for a car. But as our pastor preached last Sunday, God can super naturally rescue these two little kids. He can provide a car for us that will hold our family. I have already posted on my facebook that I will be calling dealerships today to find out if any are interested in donating a 12 passenger van. Ironically, well, I take that back, God isn't into irony, only divine planning! James 4, earlier in the chapter, holds another verse that God brought to mind this morning. Verse 2 says, "You do not have because you do not ask God."

So I am asking. I am asking God to provide a car so we can call Buckner and say, "get us approved as a group home!" We are taking them both! I am asking God and then I am going to make some calls to dealerships in faith asking them if they would donate a car or a portion of the price for a 12 passenger van. I am going to ask believing that God is a God of miracles and He cares enough about these two precious children to provide a miracle, a super natural rescue, for two little children who have stolen my heart and marked my life forever.

And those bracelets I talked about earlier? They were still on Little Guy's arms when I left...he kept my bracelets and a piece of my heart that I know will never be the same as long as I walk this earth!