The past 8 weeks since I took the director's job at the daycare have been challenging to say the least. Many have asked "why did you do that?!" Most days I can only reply with, "I don't know! I really wonder if I missed it!" But the last week, God has really revealed Himself to me and the purpose of this current journey.
When God told me to take it, He said it would be a training ground. That never really excites me because training means stretching, growing, and often pain. This has been no different! But the journey has been pretty amazing even in the challenges!
When I agreed to take on the daycare, it was understood that it was running itself, and I would just be supervising and making sure it maintained and maybe took it up another level. I was excited about painting walls and doing fluffy stuff! Eight weeks in, I know that was not the case at all. It has been a very intense time of trying to put things in order. There were many times I doubted if I would succeed. But this week, I finally felt a little breakthrough and can see some progress! And I have managed to paint a few walls with the help of some amazing church family and my parents!
But the real progress has been internal for me. I have learned to put aside my identity as a stay-at-home mom. Breakthrough in the battle between daycare, agency and home came about week 6 when I was backing out of my driveway in tears again because I was so overwhelmed with the weight of all that my day held. Running two non-profit organizations licensed by the state and being mom to 7 was just more than I could handle in that moment. Then the still small voice came....do you trust Me? That seems to be a question I hear a lot lately! And in that moment, I realized that I was doubting once again that God knew what was best for me....and my kids! Going to work full time like this could not be in the best interest of my babies who are now in a daycare or mother's day out 5 days a week! In 13 years and 7 kids, this is the first time I have ever used a daycare. My entire definition, identity and foundation as a mom was rocked to the core! I knew God called me to the daycare, but I saw the daycare as detrimental to my family - in particular my little guys. So God asked, do I trust Him? I had to make a choice in that moment. Would I continue to stand on my "right" to be a stat at home mom and hold onto what I believed about what was best for my kids, or would I trust that God loves my kids and me and would never call me to something that would bring harm. His plans are always for my good and always for my children's good. Driving to work that day, I told God with my verbal words that I trust His plan and trust that He will carry us through.
That stopped the internal wrestling, but it didn't stop all the battles! I have been sick in one way or another pretty much since I started the job. It was actually a fear I had when I said yes to God! I even wrote it in a prayer journal. God told me then that the illness would be spiritual in nature. So for the past couple of weeks, I have been praying against the illness. One would stop, and another would come. Friday was the worst! All last week, I would wake up in them middle of the night with an unexplainable knowledge that wars were going on. I would pray, quote scriptures that came to mind, cry out to God....and eventually go back to sleep. I would wake up in the morning with a dread of what I would face that day. Friday, I felt horrible. The stomach bug I had been fighting for almost two weeks was still having its effects, the cold or allergies I've been fighting had my head feeling like it would explode, I had a pain across my shoulder blades from sleeping on elevated pillows so I wouldn't cough all night. I just wanted to pull the covers over my eyes, take some medicine to knock me out and go back to sleep. But I knew if I did that, when I woke up, it would all still be there! God reminded me of some scriptures I had read on Thursday morning the week before. They were scriptures our pastor had give us the previous Wednesday and they all had to do with perseverance and pressing on in order to receive the promise or to see hope fulfilled. (Hebrews 6:10, 1 Thesselonians 1:2, Isaiah 61:10) So with those versus going through my head, I got out of bed and pressed on. I didn't move very fast. I was late taking the little guys to mother's day out. I didn't get all done I intended before I had to get Callie to school and I was walking through Sam's - still not moving very quickly - getting snacks for the daycare. I was beating myself up as I so often do. Then the small voice reminded me, "but you are up and accomplishing things for this day." I stood a little taller - that's right! I didn't give into the despair and dread! I got up and kept moving!
In that moment God reminded me of my prayer to learn to live from heaven to earth - to live based on God's promises and His words to me rather than earthly circumstances. In that moment, God said, "You did it!" I realized then that the last few weeks have not been the physical training ground I thought they were...just teaching me how to work more full time and learn to manage home and job. But God has literally been training me in weapons of spiritual warfare while the battles raged around and in me. And I knew I had won at least that one battle that day! God reminded me that I had not let circumstances dictate my day. I had gone to Him, asked Him what He wanted of me that day, and I did it despite physical circumstances. As I thought back over the past three weeks in particular since I told God I would trust Him and committed to staying at the daycare while still working Addy's Hope (which is busier now that it has EVER been!), I questioned why even after my commitment to no longer question God the attacks kept coming...and even got a little more intense. Immediately, the words, "Have you considered my servant Job?" came to mind. (Job 1:8) Notice the words stopped there..no HollyAnn is blameless and upright. I am in no way trying to compare myself to Job or to say that my "suffering" comes anywhere even close to what Job suffered! But I do believe in that moment God reminded me that there are times when He allows His servants to be tested and our loyalty and belief in Him to be tested.
I don't know what my future holds, but I know Who does know! And I have no doubt that the last 8 weeks have been training me for something in my future that will require a deeper level of trust and commitment of and to God than I had before I took this position. I am thankful I serve a God who trains and teaches me. He doesn't just take us off a cliff without teaching us to fly first!
I don't know that I have done a very good job of truly explaining this lesson, but I felt an urgency to get it out on the blog....so I pray whoever needed to known you are not alone in your struggles or on your battles has been encouraged by my words! God is preparing His Church for the work He has for us! It is an exciting time to be alive! I believe we will begin to see God revealing Himself more and more in tangible, real ways! It will be like living at "church camp" every day! He is equipping us for the days to come! Let's be ready...and let's be willing!
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
More of You, No Matter the Cost!
I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one! Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words. Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life. Events that would bring a first for me. You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?" Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday! Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me. I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow. And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time! If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant! It is on their behalf that I will fight this! I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!" Putting feet to that in this situation.
Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness. The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do. I know the enemy is out to get my ministry. It is evident. As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there. I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time. Google my name. You will find a news article that says I trafficked children. That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight! Working internationally and accused of child trafficking. Working domestically, and now this. It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this? You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you. Nothing came of that! You almost laugh at it now. You will do the same of this situation!" It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life. I'm not special! He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too! And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.
I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week. He spoke right to my soul! He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking. The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On". Google it and listen to it, but beware! It is life changing! God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost! When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row. It's an amazing testimony!
Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened! Every area of my identity has been rocked! The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it? Do you really mean whatever the cost?" And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it! More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:
"Doesn't matter what it costs. I died to that a long time ago. I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for. I was summoned. I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name. I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."
Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him. Nothing could be further from the truth! He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him. In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most. It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me! Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace. I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances. I have learned to not be led by emotions. I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me. I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have. I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him! To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!
And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!
Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness. The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do. I know the enemy is out to get my ministry. It is evident. As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there. I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time. Google my name. You will find a news article that says I trafficked children. That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight! Working internationally and accused of child trafficking. Working domestically, and now this. It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this? You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you. Nothing came of that! You almost laugh at it now. You will do the same of this situation!" It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life. I'm not special! He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too! And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.
I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week. He spoke right to my soul! He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking. The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On". Google it and listen to it, but beware! It is life changing! God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost! When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row. It's an amazing testimony!
Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened! Every area of my identity has been rocked! The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it? Do you really mean whatever the cost?" And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it! More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:
"Doesn't matter what it costs. I died to that a long time ago. I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for. I was summoned. I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name. I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."
Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him. Nothing could be further from the truth! He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him. In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most. It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me! Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace. I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances. I have learned to not be led by emotions. I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me. I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have. I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him! To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!
And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Lover of Truth
So this is why you stay in the Word even during those times that it seems to bring nothing or your prayers seem to hit the ceiling...because if you keep at it, eventually, the ceiling will open up and His love and truth will pour down as it did this morning for me! I am basking in what He brought me that encouraged me beyond belief during this really difficult time.
Turning over the orphanage has left all kinds of doubts. And satan takes those and runs with them. I have tried to battle them, but really, as tired as I am of battles, I have allowed myself to just lay down and wallow in some of the doubts. But this morning, the Holy Spirit picked me up and brushed me off and said, "We need to get moving! There is a mountain ahead that you will miss if you stay in this valley. There is more valley ahead and the mountain to climb to get to the top, but if we don't get moving, we will never make it." So I am walking again!
I ordered a book several weeks ago called Embraced by the Father. It is evident in my struggles that I truly don't know the character of God. If I truly understood WHO He is, I wouldn't struggle with many of the doubts and unbelief that surface right now. So I felt led of the Spirit to do some studying of WHO God is. I have started and stopped this book throughout the past few weeks as I have struggled through this time. But this morning, God reminded me why I MUST know WHO He is and stay in the Word! And boy am I glad I did!
This morning was on El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One. Even as I wrote that title on my journal to begin the study, I kind of rolled my eyes. I know, not so respectful to the Almighty, Creator, but it was where I was. He hasn't felt so All Sufficient lately. But that's the great thing about God - He doesn't change with how I "feel"!
I am so encouraged to be reminded from 2 Cor 12 that when I am weak, that is when He is strong. This time in my life right now is a time for Him to shine like no other! I am beat down, discouraged and feel totally inadequate. So this is a time when He can swoop into my life and show me how I can be strong in Him in all these areas! The outside world might never see a difference, but I will know, and hopefully it will be reflected somehow to the outsie world, that every step I take is because God has given me the power to do so and He will receive the glory for it!
The last of the author's chapter sums it up for me:
"[speaking of Sarah and Abraham] Sarah chose to dance with El Shaddai. Although she laughed at first, she decided to believe he could do what He said He could do. Sarah put aside her deficiency to allow His sufficiency to lead her to the path of motherhood. She knew that God Almighty was enough, is enough and will always be enough. Me too. I know that despite my lack of proficiency in any task, if God Almighty - the All Sufficient One - wills it for me, He will lead me in the perfect divine cadence to accomplish it."
I am encouraged!!
Turning over the orphanage has left all kinds of doubts. And satan takes those and runs with them. I have tried to battle them, but really, as tired as I am of battles, I have allowed myself to just lay down and wallow in some of the doubts. But this morning, the Holy Spirit picked me up and brushed me off and said, "We need to get moving! There is a mountain ahead that you will miss if you stay in this valley. There is more valley ahead and the mountain to climb to get to the top, but if we don't get moving, we will never make it." So I am walking again!
I ordered a book several weeks ago called Embraced by the Father. It is evident in my struggles that I truly don't know the character of God. If I truly understood WHO He is, I wouldn't struggle with many of the doubts and unbelief that surface right now. So I felt led of the Spirit to do some studying of WHO God is. I have started and stopped this book throughout the past few weeks as I have struggled through this time. But this morning, God reminded me why I MUST know WHO He is and stay in the Word! And boy am I glad I did!
This morning was on El Shaddai - The All Sufficient One. Even as I wrote that title on my journal to begin the study, I kind of rolled my eyes. I know, not so respectful to the Almighty, Creator, but it was where I was. He hasn't felt so All Sufficient lately. But that's the great thing about God - He doesn't change with how I "feel"!
I am so encouraged to be reminded from 2 Cor 12 that when I am weak, that is when He is strong. This time in my life right now is a time for Him to shine like no other! I am beat down, discouraged and feel totally inadequate. So this is a time when He can swoop into my life and show me how I can be strong in Him in all these areas! The outside world might never see a difference, but I will know, and hopefully it will be reflected somehow to the outsie world, that every step I take is because God has given me the power to do so and He will receive the glory for it!
The last of the author's chapter sums it up for me:
"[speaking of Sarah and Abraham] Sarah chose to dance with El Shaddai. Although she laughed at first, she decided to believe he could do what He said He could do. Sarah put aside her deficiency to allow His sufficiency to lead her to the path of motherhood. She knew that God Almighty was enough, is enough and will always be enough. Me too. I know that despite my lack of proficiency in any task, if God Almighty - the All Sufficient One - wills it for me, He will lead me in the perfect divine cadence to accomplish it."
I am encouraged!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Vessel for the Smith
I think I found the scripture that sums up my really long post about being undone and redone:
Proverbs 25:14 ~ "Take away the dross from the sliver, and there comes out a vessel for the smith."
God, thank you for removing the built up dross from my heart and soul! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how many times you have to tell me or teach me! Thank you for promising to complete the work you stated in me until the day Jesus returns! Thank you that you will continue to remove even more dross from my gunked up heart and soul in the days and years to come...even during the times I plead with you to stop...because You know what is best for me and only You know what the future holds! I thank you for this process Lord because my one desire in this life is to be a vessel for you, the Smith! Form me and make me into what you need me to be for Your work! ~Amen
Proverbs 25:14 ~ "Take away the dross from the sliver, and there comes out a vessel for the smith."
God, thank you for removing the built up dross from my heart and soul! Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how many times you have to tell me or teach me! Thank you for promising to complete the work you stated in me until the day Jesus returns! Thank you that you will continue to remove even more dross from my gunked up heart and soul in the days and years to come...even during the times I plead with you to stop...because You know what is best for me and only You know what the future holds! I thank you for this process Lord because my one desire in this life is to be a vessel for you, the Smith! Form me and make me into what you need me to be for Your work! ~Amen
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Blessings
Callie and I are headed to Liberia! We don't have the full amount....about $4,000 short, but John and I both believe I need to be there, so we booked the flight and are waiting and trusting God for the rest!
We didn't book until Wednesday, so that kind of sent me in a scurry thinking of leaving...with Callie...in a week! So on Friday we went to Goodwill to look for some skirts and cool shirts...especially for Callie since she mainly has knit and denim capris that would be really hot!
Well, we ran into an old friend from Garden City at Goodwill. We had a basket full of stuff as we ran across tons of kids chapter books in series (like Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, etc). I sale those on Ebay and make good money back, so we bought them to sale to help make money for the trip. We start talking to our friend Renee and end up in line behind her. When the lady tells her the total for her purchase, Renee tells her to keep ringing us up! I was floored! She paid for all of our purchase as well as giving us some cash for "airport snacks". It was such a blessing and encouragement on a day that had been filled with battles starting at 5:00 am with a phone call from Liberia! God gave me a shot of encouragement just when I needed it and it was such a promise that He will provide! It was amazing!
So thank you, Renee, for blessing our socks off! And thank you God for perfect timing that encourages and restores!
We didn't book until Wednesday, so that kind of sent me in a scurry thinking of leaving...with Callie...in a week! So on Friday we went to Goodwill to look for some skirts and cool shirts...especially for Callie since she mainly has knit and denim capris that would be really hot!
Well, we ran into an old friend from Garden City at Goodwill. We had a basket full of stuff as we ran across tons of kids chapter books in series (like Babysitters Club, Goosebumps, etc). I sale those on Ebay and make good money back, so we bought them to sale to help make money for the trip. We start talking to our friend Renee and end up in line behind her. When the lady tells her the total for her purchase, Renee tells her to keep ringing us up! I was floored! She paid for all of our purchase as well as giving us some cash for "airport snacks". It was such a blessing and encouragement on a day that had been filled with battles starting at 5:00 am with a phone call from Liberia! God gave me a shot of encouragement just when I needed it and it was such a promise that He will provide! It was amazing!
So thank you, Renee, for blessing our socks off! And thank you God for perfect timing that encourages and restores!
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