Never Have I Been More Thankful for Trials

As we have walked the past few weeks processing the news that Ava is losing brain mass and are waiting on an official diagnosis of a terminal illness, I have found many things to be thankful for.

First, I am thankful for my large family! We told our oldest three the day we learned of the news. The way they responded blessed me beyond words! I knew that if no one else in the entire world walked with us, we would be ok because we had each other. With the roads we have walked the past 4 years, being able to rest in that was truly miraculous and a precious gift from God!

I am also thankful for the amazing community of Decatur. I immediately knew that we would not walk this alone. We have close friends all the way to acquaintances who we know would do anything we asked in a time of need. Ava has a class of friends who genuinely love her! With her struggles, it would be so easy to cast her aside as a social misfit and real pain in the you know what! But instead they respond with grace, understanding, and love! Even to the boys she messages and even texts sometimes relentlessly telling them she has a crush on them - they respond with appropriate, loving answers! I don't take that for granted!

I am thankful God placed it on my parents' hear to move close to us! We live closer now than we have in 18 years! They will be an invaluable support emotionally as well as in day to day life in the coming months and years! I am so thankful for them!

I have been asking for a full brain MRI for years only to be told there is no need. The one done in 2009 didn't show anything, so a new one would not be useful. At first when we found out it would have in fact shown something, I was angry they had not done one when I asked. But immediately, God answered my anger with "would you really have wanted to know all this time?!" And the answer to that is a resounding NO! I am so thankful for the years of wonderful bliss we have lived in not knowing what the future held and just enjoying our sweet girl for the amazing creation of God that she is!

But truly what I am most thankful for are the trials that have brought me to this point in my life! I remember as a young adult and fairly immature Christian reading in James 1 where I was supposed to consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. What?! I should be happy things are hard?! The scripture explains itself: "because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I can remember a season where I begged God for relief from lessons. I actually told him I did not want to mature anymore for awhile! I am so thankful he did not give me what I asked for!

When we taught youth in Cotton Center, I would tell them that God will never take you over a mountain before he takes you over the ant hill. I learned early in my walk with Him that He strengthened us bit by bit. If I would let him teach me in the trip over the ant hill, then I would take the trip over the mountain much more gracefully and peacefully.

As I have walked through one of the deepest valleys of my life - being told a child is dying - I have time and again thanked God for the Truths that are now part of the fabric of my belief system - they are who I am not just what I think.

When we miscarried our first baby in 1999, a woman of God who I very much admired shared that God was teaching me to let go of children. At the time my 25 year old self  was offended. But as I have lost so many children, that Word has come back to me time and time again. I now know it was actually a Word of peace. We lost our Hope to a miscarriage, we lost Addy to death before we ever met her yet we loved her as if we had raised her those three years of her life, we lost Eden to a failed adoption after I spent three weeks with her and bonded in a miraculous way only to have not seen her again in 13 years! We have even lost a child to the schemes of the enemy - for what we pray is temporary. I have said numerous times that I have lost children just about any way you can except through death while they lived with me. When we lost Hope in our miscarriage, the lesson I walked away from that I have been forever grateful for is that my children are not mine! The ones I birthed are not mine, the ones I have adopted are not mine, and the ones who call my house home are not mine - they are HIS! He entrusts them to me to raise and equip and train for Kingdom purposes, and it is my true honor to walk with each one of them in this life for that purpose!

But it is not just the loss of children that has prepared me for this moment. It is so many trials I have walked. Sitting alone with my thoughts and emotions the last few weeks, never once have I asked God "why?". For one, that has never really gone well for me! God has never really felt the need to explain himself to me in most cases when I ask that question - He is God, and I am not - that's why. But I have not even asked. Mainly because I trust Him. I fully trust Him.

Through the trials I have walked in my 44 years on this earth, his sovereignty is settled. I know this is not a surprise to Him. In fact, this is a result of Ava's genetic make up  - it is literally how He knit her together! He knows yesterday, today, and tomorrow - none of it is a surprise! Many might ask why that doesn't make me angry. Well, because God's love for me and His goodness have also been settled long ago in my spirit and soul. I have walked many trials that I could not explain and could not in the midst of it see any good. But those same trials now are spring boards into my calling and my ability to walk with others today. I know God loves me. God is good! He is not just good when the answer is what we want to hear, He is good no matter what! I know that. He has shown that to me over my lifetime. I don't question it. I believe it.

Because of these lessons and these Truths that are a part of my being now, my faith is truly a refuge! He is my Strong Tower that I can run to and be safe! I have spent many evenings just sitting, crying, asking God to "hold me". And He does. From the moment we received the news up until the typing of these words, I have had nothing but undeniable PEACE! I should be frantic, worried, anxious, fearful - and there are moments of that as the enemy tries to steal our joy and peace - but those moments are fleeting and are quickly replaced with supernatural, unexplained, oh so wonderful PEACE. It is the most precious gift my Heavenly Father has ever given me!

If you wonder if God is real, I can tell you without a doubt HE IS!!! How do I know? Because He has shown Himself faithful to me! He has answered me when I have cried out! He has comforted me when there was no comfort to be had from the things this world had to offer. He has filled me with joy and peace that surpasses all human understanding. But to get here, I had to yield to Him. I had to walk in obedience to Him. I had to let Him take the lead and trust Him for the outcome. Never have I ever been more thankful for the lessons I have learned as I walked with Him than I am today!

God Sacrificed His Son, Why Shouldn't I?

I am often asked when talking about older child adoption, "How will adoptiong affect my kids?" or "I don't know if we are ready to do this because it may be too difficult for my children."

I get it! Really, I do! I can promise you, adopting WILL affect your kids! It will expose them to things they probably were never exposed to before - and probably won't be for a long time if you don't adopt.

As a parent of 9 children, I often remind myself that the challenges of raising a large family with children who have special needs pale in comparison to dying on the cross. I know. That sounds dramatic! But really, John and I have for years reminded each other that we have not yet anguished to the point of sweating blood (Luke 22:44). Since Jesus did that for us, we really can't complain about the path He has asked us to take. I mean really, can raising my adorable children really be compared to that...

But a perspective I had not really considered about the cross vs adopting is the fact that Jesus is God's Son. Hang with me a minute...I KNOW Jesus is God's son! But when I think about how adoption (or really any act of obedience that has cost your children something - going into the mission field, making a move in order to follow a call, etc) has affected the children already in my home, I have to ask myself, "If God was willing to sacrifice His Son on the cross for me, why should I not be willing to sacrifice my child for Him?" Now before you completely write me off - I am not suggesting that you put your child on an alter or hang them on a cross! But I am asking where we got the theology that God would never ask us to do something that would make our children uncomfortable! Where in scripture does it say that we should wait until our children are out of the house to follow God's commands because they just might not be able to handle it? Who made your children? Do you not think when God knit them together, He had this in mind for them?

I am not suggesting that we don't take seriously our job as parents to protect the ones God has already entrusted to us! But I am challenging the Americanized religious answer to hard things that would require our children to be uncomfortable - even in their own home - in order to be obedient to God's calling and to serve another human who doesn't have what your child does - a family! I am asking you if you are hiding from obedience behind your child?

I recently had a conversation with one of my children about another child. Child A was complaining about how inconvenient Child B is to have in the family. I quickly reminded Child A that Child B struggles with some things due to Child B's beginning before Child B came to live with us! I reminded Child A that Child A did NOTHING to deserve being born into a family with a loving mother and father, a healthy home with everything needed to provide safety, love, and connection. And Child B did nothing to deserve being born into a family who was unable to provide the necessary ingredients for a healthy start! It is only by God's grace those of us with a happy beginning have a happy beginning! We didn't earn it any more than those with a rough start deserve theirs!

If you have felt God tugging at you to adopt, go into missions, move across the country, or anything else that you think would "damage" your children, can I encourage you to revisit it? Ask God again what He desires for you to do - even if it looks like something that will require you to "sacrifice" your children. Can I ask you to trust God with your children and say YES to what He is calling you to?! After all, He said YES to you when He sacrificed His Son for you! If God asked that of His own son - don't you think He might just be asking that of yours too? Just some food for thought....

For anyone who thinks I have it all together....

This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.

I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!

I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.

I  am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.

One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!

The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!

I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....

I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...

For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.

I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!

I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!

You are not alone.....

The Next Faith Journey: We could use your prayers....

So this is a picture of the room we are sleeping in now!

That's 5 beds you see with two more out of view....with two more that will move in tomorrow when the demo starts upstairs. We are two weeks into this "adventure" and to say that everyone's patience is running thin would be an understatement. We had some pretty significant tension this evening. Our kids really have been troopers...but everyone has their limits and we all feel like we are reaching ours.

So if we come to mind, we could use your prayers! John and I need wisdom on how to handle the next two or three weeks as the remodel completes. After tomorrow there is a good chance that we will not have a working bathroom in the house. We have a couple of options of places to stay that have been graciously offered to us. We just need to know the best way to make this work with us all intact in the end! 

I have done a lot of talking with different members of my family today about how hard this has been and how none of us wanted it like this. John and I have explained to our older kids again that our plan was to never live in the house in this condition, but circumstances were beyond our control. I am sure this is building character in them...and us...but some days you just don't want any more character, you simply want comfort, peace and a clean floor! That's kind of where we are all at today.

Yet even this evening as it was clear the enemy was ramping up his game on my family, I was reminded of a verse in Joshua that I have been studying. It's right before they are about to cross the Jordan in to the Promised Land. Joshua tells the tribes to prepare themselves because "tomorrow God will do wonders among you!" I don't know why we had to walk this path this way! Did John and I panic and make some decisions we didn't really pray through? Possibly! Did we do exactly what we needed to and God is just building character? Possibly! No matter the why, I know the enemy wants to use it to keep me out of my promised land, to keep my husband out of his promised land, and my kids out of their promised land! I know the enemy is stepping up his game as fatigue and weariness settle in. But I am not giving up! I am preparing myself and covering my family in prayer because I truly do believe that through this, God is going to do wonders! Wonders in, around and through us! Right now, the weariness is heavy...and three of the babies and me have some kind of upper respiratory thing going on, so we do covet your prayers for stamina and health as well as clear and precise plans for the coming week...and prayers for our contractors to have easy processes with no surprises and speedy work!  

Even as I type this I am reminded that tomorrow God will do wonders because it is closing day!! One closes at 8:15, and the other at 3:30! Thank you all for joining us on this journey! I have loved your comments and the messages you have shared with me through this process. So many in the Body are on journeys of faith! It's an exciting time to be alive! 

.....but for now, sleep! Good night! 

The Next Faith Journey: We are in....

It’s been awhile since I have written! Sorry for those who are following the blog…..God did move the mountains and our buyers found another lender to process their loan. However, the excitement over that fact soon waned as the reality of the next weeks started to seep in. The original plan was to live in our old house for a week (we got a one week lease back) so that we could get a significant way into remodeling the new house before we had to move in. We had hoped to have one floor of the house completed so that we could move into that while the rest was being done. With us not being able to close on our house, however, we could not start any type of construction.

So, we moved into the house that needs remodeling on mattresses with suitcases. Due to spending hours on the phone at the end of the move time trying to get a loan worked out so the sell of our house did not fall through, our packing was delayed significantly. So the end move became one great big mess! All the best plans for organization and packing to live were gone! Add to that the fact that when we move it is the equivalent of moving 2 and a half families! That’s a lot of stuff! We literally filled trailers and moved boxes and belongings from sun up to way past sundown for EIGHT days! To say we were exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is an understatement! Add to that the dynamics of moving 8 kids, two of whom do not do change well, into mass chaos….well, you get the picture! And if that was not enough, we also threw in an emergency appendectomy after Noah came home from school last Monday in great pain and throwing up! We are definitely feeling the refining in this journey!

We had packed for 10 days of displacement. We are now going on week three! So life looks a little like this:

Just keeping it real here! 

The first few days living in the house, the excitement of actually being on the property carried me! That and fishing in the evenings with my favorite little people! It was surreal that we could walk out our backdoor and catch fish! All the kids were outside interacting with each other…that in itself is a miracle and made my mommy heart swell! But the reality of the chaos soon took over. That and the fact that we really had no end date. They were saying three weeks to close which meant three weeks of mass chaos before even bigger chaos to move out for the last of the remodel! My head could not even comprehend what that looked like. Add to that the daily tasks of trying to do laundry with nowhere to put the clothes, cooking meals with no pots, pans or utensils….you get the picture! I truly thought I was going to lose my mind! There were a couple of days where if could I find a way out, I would have taken it. I truly thought I had reached my mental capacity and something had to give! All the while, I am watching friends around me lose parents to cancer, lose babies to birthmoms changing their minds, friends dealing with loss of jobs and facing financial ruin…all while I am moaning and complaining about a blessing God is providing me. But here is what I have learned in my life, it is all about perspective! While I can look at those other circumstances and clearly see they are more severe than mine, the enemy tells lies and creates scenarios where my circumstances seem just as dire! My biggest mistake in this entire process was not spending every morning with Jesus! I was physically exhausted, so I tried to sleep longer than I should have. After about 5 days of that, I had no perspective except a worldly, circumstantial, satan ridden view of my life. And it looked like the current condition of chaos and yuck was going to last forever and be impossible to survive! It wasn’t until I got alone with Jesus…out under the trees in one of my favorite spots that I felt the weight and weariness lift off!

I have often read Exodous and wondered how the Israelites could grumble and complain and ask to go back to captivity given all they saw God do. However, I was just like the Israelites in this move! God had moved mountains! He had given me a faith stronger than any I had ever had to face the challenges of the loan without wavering one bit. I was so proud of how I had handled myself in the trials of the process…until the actual move! So what changed? What took me to a place of grumbling and complaining and seemingly hopelessness? It was one thing…taking my eyes of Jesus! It sounds so simple. And it really is. Just. That. Simple! I started looking at the waves around me, and I sank! But here is the deal, it only took one moment of worship and being reminded that my reality comes from heaven to earth to refocus myself! It was a quick reminder that when my emotions and feelings start heading for the pit, I better find some headphones or a quiet spot and get the Word or worship or both running through my mind to refuel, restore and renew me!

Right now we are set to close on both houses on Wednesday! That is 48 hours. Even in the chaos, John and I walk around our property in awe that we would ever own such a piece of heaven on earth! For a gal who grew up in the West Texas desert (which by the way I also think is beautiful!), to now sit under trees in plush grass with a tree lined pond in front of her truly feels like a dream. One of my new favorite de-stressers is to come out in the evenings and watch the fireflies as they start to light up the wooded area behind our house. I am ashamed that I grumbled and complained about such a blessing regardless of how hard the journey has been….BUT God loves me all the same! He doesn’t sit in disgust that I didn’t walk all of this journey well! The stress is not over! We are about to move all 10 of us into one living room! :) Prayers appreciated! Ha! But I am determined to end well! I am determined to keep my eyes on Jesus… on the blessings and not the circumstances! Can I encourage you to do the same in whatever journey you are facing that is stretching you? I know many who are facing much worse things than moving into a living area with 9 of their favorite people! But I know a God who is big enough and gracious enough and FAITHFUL enough to handle it no matter what it is!

I would love to pray with you for your circumstances to line up with heaven if you need to know someone is walking with you! Just leave me a comment if you are not on my Facebook! Or you can always email me at hollyann@addyshope.com if you need to know someone is praying and believing with you! Keep believing and looking in His face!  

I surrender....

So today was not a Hallmark movie day at the Petree house! In fact, more than once, I found myself at the end of my rope.  I quit at least twice today!  We are in a really rough phase with two of our kiddos from hard places.  I heard at a conference last year the term "specialized parenting" to describe how you have to parent children with a history of abuse or trauma.  I thought of that several times today and wondered if God realized He gave these precious ones in need of specialized parenting a pretty ordinary mother who was thinking she really can't supply all they need.  So many times peole tell me, "I could never do what you do"....well, I have news for you, today, I couldn't do it either!

You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age.  But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!

Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind.  "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could.....  Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root!  But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.

The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no.  We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much.  We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more.  We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three.  We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again.  We could have told God, I can't do that.  And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did.  However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life".  And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!

You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that".  Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy.  I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!"  But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth.  His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him!  That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!

What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!"  Is it staying in a loveless marriage?  Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system?  Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago?  Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!"  Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?"  You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him!  That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here.  That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there!  Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children.  But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me!  So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?

Coffee with Mary

Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder.  As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary.  Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb.  That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the  humility, obedience and respect that I  pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy.  Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him.  Men bowed before him.  But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!

Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary.  But in a new way now.  I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant.  I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church.  I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy.  I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple.  And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.

This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked.  Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands.  Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it.  There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go.  And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do.  Life is hard because I said yes!

John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I sang it at many Christmas events and as a  Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light! 

" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process!  Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!

"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness?  As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands.  Did Mary feel this way?  Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?

"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"  That has been my heart's cry for weeks now!  God, truly you have over estimated me!  Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man!  Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands!  Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too?  At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited?  Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her.  I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt.  When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!

But I think I already know.  Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!"  When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place!  She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!

The "Daily" of Discipleship

I have a blog post started about stepping into your calling and saying “yes” when God calls you up to bat…or something like that.  I am sure it’s a really good post, a really good concept.  But I haven’t had time to finish it because my “yes” has pretty well kept me working day and night for the past few weeks.

Which brings me to this….I won’t be finishing that post today either.  I am going to be really honest right here.  I wish I could turn back.  I wish I could go back to my American dream life and not know what I know about the injustices to children and the need for more to speak up.  I wish I could turn a deaf ear and a blind eye as so many do and go about my life in order to make it more comfortable for me and my children.  I wish if I was going to have to work at something that took my time away from my children, it paid better than a minimum wage job…or even minimum wage would be an improvement.

On a day that I had more people fighting with me than I have since my days of fighting for children in Liberia, I should be encouraged and on fire.  In a week when I have now heard two amazing teachings on attitude of thankfulness and a perspective of half-full, I should be seeing my life through the blessings it holds.  But can none of that is happening tonight as I crawl in my bed.

 

Why? Well, there are many reasons, I am sure…none of which really matter right now.  So what now? Do I really quit?  Do I really give up?  Do I stop just before the victory? Can I really do this another day?

The answer is Yes, I can.  And the answer is, Yes, I will.  God promises His mercies are new every morning.  In a season when my “yes” has taken me to a whole new level of faith, trust and obedience, I am using all the mercies available to me every day just to make it from the time I wake up to the time I am able to finally close my eyes at night.  Luke 9:23 has come to mind many times in this new journey I find myself on: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Being a disciple of Jesus doesn’t mean being comfortable.  It means denying myself! It means taking up my cross... DAILY!

I did that today.  Did I do it with joy?  No, I can’t say that I did.  But that DAILY means that I had a choice this morning, and I chose to take up my cross….make the phone calls, inform others about the need to speak up….and when I wake up in the morning I will have the same choice.

So tonight as I go to bed, I can’t say that I am thrilled with the cross I am carrying.  But if even Jesus could ask for the cup to be taken from Him, I think God understands my lack of enthusiasm at times for the cross He has asked me to carry right now.  But just like Jesus, and most importantly BECAUSE of Jesus, I have to say “but none the less, not my will but Yours be done!” 

**And as is par for the mood of the post, this is being uploaded the morning after because our internet is down...again...and the hot spot wouldn't turn on last night! :) 

The Struggle and the Lie

God always challenges me to share my journeys openly...all of my journey! He reminds me that I don't need to just share the great moments of seeing how it all fits together, but also the wrestling and the struggles that get me to the moments of revelation.  So in true transparency, I will share my journey over the past few days with you. 

There is a phrase I often hear when people talk about the challenges they face when saying "yes" to God in any area.  You will often hear people talk of "new level, new devil".  I too have said this in my ignorance of spiritual warfare and the reality of our enemy.  I heard it again just a few days ago, and the hair on the back of my neck came up!  That phrase indicates that the devil has the ability to grow or to gain new insight into us.  That is simply a lie from the pit of hell!  The devil has no new schemes other than those used from the beginning of time. And the truth is when we grow and mature in our relationship with Christ, the enemy loses power!  Now am I saying that when we say yes to a step of obedience in answer to a call of God that the enemy doesn't try to overtake us or discourage us to the point of giving up, absolutely not!  He in fact does just that.  And that's where my journey the past few days has been.

For about a week, I could feel the cloud moving in.  It started with the phrase "you have too many kids" playing over and over in my head.  This is what had been used in court when we were seeking custody of our grandkids.  The enemy has used that phrase to attempt to reek havoc on my confidence and abilities to do what I know without a doubt God called and ordained!  As is his character, the enemy was very sneaky with the attacks at first.  We have started packing for the move.  I used to be an avid scrapbooker!  Callie has four books for her first two years, and Noah has three.  That's where it stops...no one else even has a baby book!  As I was packing my scrapbook supplies, the voices started in: "You will never record all the memories of your kids, you have too many kids!"  "You will never get to do anything you enjoy ever again." "A good mother would have baby books for all of their kids, you obviously have too many."  For whatever reason, I didn't immediately recognize the thoughts for what they were - attacks from the enemy - and I entertained a couple of those thoughts a little too long.  They had taken root.  Over the next few days, I became increasingly discouraged, overwhelmed and increasingly hopeless. I looked at circumstances and felt like I couldn't possibly handle all that was on my plate.  Then I started eating everything in sight!  I might not even be hungry or want anything, but I would find myself eating anyway!  That is truly what woke me up to what was happening!  I remembered a teaching on spiritual warfare that said something to the effect of when you find yourself doing things that  you feel like you can't control, it's a good indicator that you are under attack! That is how the enemy works, he makes us feel like we don't have a say in what we are doing! I started having three and four nightmares a night.  I can't even tell you the last time I had a nightmare before this week!  I knew the enemy had moved in, so I grabbed some tools, one of which was  Spirit Wars by Kris Vallatton. I didn't read more than a page before I had what I needed to combat the enemy!  Kris writes:

"The devil and his demons no longer have the right to torment believers.  But they are lawless criminals of the spiritual realm.  They will break God's laws whenever and wherever they see a lack of authority.  Like the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, where thousands of looters ravaged people's homes in the absence of officers policing the streets, demonic spirits will illegally ravage the lives of people in the vacuum of true spiritual authority.  Ignorant Christians create powerless cultures, resulting in the world experiencing an unrestrained devil."

Wow! It was exactly what I had done...I had let the demonic ravage my thoughts!  In the state of physical exhaustion and mental fatigue, I had not been in the Word every day like normal.  The enemy had seen his opening and rushed in!  In essence, I had an unrestrained devil in my mind! However, I am no longer an ignorant Christian!  I immediately put the book down and asked God to reveal what had given the enemy access to my mind and my actions in such a powerful way.  There is usually an area of sin that the enemy enters in through...not always, but I knew there had to be more than just random thoughts for me to find myself as deep in oppression as I felt.  God revealed where the door had been opened. I immediately repented, and served the devil his eviction notice!  He no longer had any power or authority over me and he had to leave...immediately!

In the few days since I evicted him, the thoughts have come back...but I am aware, recognize them for what they are, and dismiss them! I don't entertain them.  I remind myself of truths like I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength or the power that raised Christ from the grave is the same power I possess with in me. I reminded myself when I resist the devil, he will flee!  The lies of the enemy can't hold up to the Truth of the Word, and the lies flee! That's why the "New level, new devil" statement is such a lie!  The enemy wants us to believe it!  If we know we are walking into a battle, we are much less likely to walk! The enemy had me in a place where I was even discouraged about our move.  I was dreading everything about it! If I could've backed out of it, I would have!  If I had continued to entertain his thoughts, I could see myself saying no to many things like the babies or Addy's Hope simply because I don't want a battle.  But all it took to end the battle was replacing lies with the Truth!  It wasn't a one time thing...it's a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minute by minute deal!  But all it takes is replacing lies with the truth!  There's no new devil!  Just the same old, non-inventive lying, stealing, cheating devil!  The "new" is my awareness of him and my ability to shut him up!  I am no longer ignorant of his schemes!  I recognize them and shut them down before he has the ability to change my course!

There is a new level...a new level of maturity and awareness that allows me to defeat the enemy and crush him under my feet where he belongs! The enemy never gains power in a believer's life who is growing in relationship with God!  The closer we grow to God the more the enemy is exposed for the lying and cheating thief that he is! So if you are starting a new adventure or taking a step of obedience and begin to feel the attacks, do not accept them as "normal" or what just happens when you live for God! Take the enemy down at the knees, and put him under your foot where he belongs! We Christians need to live in the authority that is ours to shut him up and quit accepting battles because we "expect" them!  Yes, the battles will come.  But you have all power and authority over this earth to stop the battles....USE IT! And I will do the same!

I am one of "THEM"!

I haven't been much of a blogger lately.  It has not been for lack of material to blog, just lack of time to blog it.  But I am hoping to change that.

The last two years have been quite the season.  I don't think I would go so far as to call it a dark night of the soul, but to say it has been a season of pruning and stretching doesn't quite pay homage to the depth of work God has done in my life.  I hope you will see in the posts to come that God has radically change my life through the course of these past 18-24 months.

This quote by Bill Johnson in When Heaven Invades Earth probably best sums up my journey: "It's important to understand God's promise and purpose for the Church so that we might become dissatisfied - so that we will become desperate. Intercession from insatiable hunger moves the heart of God as nothing else can." Over the past 15 years, God has taken me to places that I was quite sure I was at the end of myself.  However, if those places were the end of myself, then this past season left myself in the dust and took me to the end of a place I didn't even know existed!  But in that place I became desperate for God in a way I have never been.  And God was true to His word: when we seek Him we will find Him!

So often in this past season I found myself desperately clinging to the promises of the Bible while trying to line up my circumstances and reality with what the scriptures said.  To put it bluntly, they didn't mesh!  So my search began for why they didn't!  What I found has changed me forever.  What I found showed me that while I survived this season, I lived most days in defeat with bloody wounds where I had allowed the enemy access he should have never had.  I did the best I could with that I knew then.  I have some regrets, but I have no condemnation or "I shoulda's" because I truly lived this season on my face begging for wisdom, direction, mercy and grace.  There are a few things I can look back on and wish I had handled a different way, but I also remember the despair and weariness of those times....words that demonstrate even more the defeat I lived in many days.

I am walking out of this season with revelations about God - not head knowledge about who God is said to be, but heart experience about who He is to me!  There is a difference!  We have a new kitchen which is a blog post for another time...part of that remodel is an amazing pantry, and on that pantry floor is Psalm:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." I don't know that I purposely set out to "taste" in this season, but walking out of it, I can testify that I have tasted, and indeed the Lord is good!   Yes, my family was turned upside down and inside out.  Yes, my ministry and calling on my life has been tested and attacked.  Yes, I have a daughter who is not a part of my life right now.  Yes, I have a grand baby who has no idea who MiMi is.  Yes, I have another grand baby coming into this world in June who I may or may not get to hold in my arms.  Yes, my identity has been turned upside down as defined by stay-at-home mom.  But there is not a path that I have walked the past months that I would not walk again.  Could I head down some of the paths if I knew what they would hold, no.  That is why it's called faith! If it was sight, I would surely have turned around or fainted from fear at what was coming up.  Do I wish some of the paths had taken different turns, absolutely!  But the paths on this journey have brought me to a place of desperation for intimacy with God like no other time in my life.  And for that, I am eternally thankful!

It will take awhile for me to get it all out here, but I will write as God leads.  It's part of my instruction for 2013 - share what God has taught me and walk in obedience!  But what you  need to know about me is now I am one of "them"!  I have been radically touched by a living God.  I have experienced His presence like never before in my life...and once you have experienced Him, there is no turning back!  Holy Roller, Charismatic, Jesus Freak, Radical, Weird, Over the top, what ever the title used to describe one who is totally and completely sold out to Jesus with no box to keep Him in and only the expectation of new revelation and a desire to bring honor and glory to God like never before, well that's me.  We have a saying at our house right now, "The weirder, the better!" - not for "weird" sake, but for the purpose of experiencing God in life changing ways that allow us to then touch others in life changing ways.  

Before you right me off and quit reading because I have left theology for "feelings", let me leave you with a couple of thoughts that when put together should challenge any American Christian - "Unless I do the works of the Father, do not believe me." John 10:37 NKJV And in the words of Bill Johnson, "Jesus gave people the right to disbelieve it all if there was no demonstration of power upon His ministry.  I hunger for the day when the Church will make the same statement to the world. If we're not doing the miracles that Jesus did, you don't have to believe us." And before you discount him, let me leave you with this final word - "Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12

Challenge: based on this standard, who would believe you?  And if you are not using this standard, why not?  

Check back!  Let me share where I was....it was a long trip to this place!  Don't discount it yet.  Hear me out.  All of us who have accepted Christ as our Savior have the authority and power to walk each day in victory here on earth....we don't have to wait until we die and go to heave...Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven! And that's my prayer for each of you!

Released

There is no manual for how to act when you have a wayward child.  There is also no manual for how to act when a friend has a wayward child.  I'm thinking me and a couple of friends could write one of those!  We have some crazy stories!  But God brought some direction...some instructions yesterday through the blessing of a dear friend!  Oddly enough, that same friend joked with me that she needed more blog posts to keep up with me...so Tracey, this is for you!  You have no idea how you blessed me yesterday!  THANK YOU!!!!

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my dear friend Tracey yesterday.  Tracey and I met in high school, but became kindred spirits when we were in the same Sunday School class after graduating college.  We have been through marriages, a miscarriage, births, all our adoptions - those that failed and those that brought a new life to our home...over 20 years of life together!  Through numerous moves on behalf of both of us, we have remained friends and stayed in touch.  And she is not even on Facebook!  So it's like a real, old timey relationship! Tracey has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders!  Every time we get together, whether it has been weeks, months, or years, we pick up right where we left off.  I have learned over the years that is the mark of true friendship!  Every time we meet, Tracey never fails to tell me how much she admires me.  That always blows my mind because Tracey is one of about three people on this earth who know ALL of my scoop!  I don't think there is anything in my closet that Tracey doesn't know!  And the fact that she is even still my friend knowing all she knows is pretty amazing..much less has such lofty things to say.

Yesterday Tracey invited me to come to an event at her parents' church (the church where we rekindled our friendship all those years ago) where she was the featured guest bringing the program.  The theme verse for the event was 2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."  It was on the wall behind where Tracey stood to sing and speak.  I love holidays!  This is absolutely my favorite time of year!  So being at the event where everything is festive would normally be a thrill for me.  But as I walked around the room looking at the themed tables and greeting long time friends that I hadn't seen in years, something was off.  There was a fog, a heaviness.

Tracey got up to sing.  She sang lots of oldy moldies as she said from our youth!  I'm not particularly fond of thinking of songs from my era as oldy moldies, but I guess I am getting to "that" age.  Tracey challenged all of us to put aside the stressed of the day, the week and just concentrate on the blessings in our life.  As I did that, there was this voice that popped up and said, "when you are thinking about the blessings, don't forget the pain of the one not with you!"  The fog was back.  Immediately, I heard that still small voice that has become my comfort and my strength over the past few years say, "That's not me!  That has never been me."  I realized in that moment that since Paizley left our home while we were out of town that day, I have felt a need to be sad.  I have felt like being happy or being fully joyful was wrong.  I have never lost a child who live in my home to death.  We lost Addy, and that was very painful, but it was different than losing a child you have held, poured into day in and day out.  John and I have talked often that having a child who walks away from your family is much like a death in the family.  There is obviously still the hope of reconciliation someday that you don't have with a death.  And I don't mean to lessen the pain of my dear friends who have lost children to death.  But as I sat there yesterday, I thought of stories I have heard of moms who have lost children to death and how they weren't sure how to be happy again.  I felt that tug of war in my soul yesterday.  The pain of the past few months, not just missing my daughter and granddaughter, but the false accusations, the total rejection of who we are, has been more painful than I could have ever imagined.  But God's word says that joy comes in the morning!  The problem was, the enemy had me convinced that the morning couldn't come until my daughter was fully reconciled to me.  The problem with that is...that reconciliation is not my choice.  So my "joy" was dependent an event that I couldn't control.  One of the adoptive parents I am doing a home study for has hit some of the bumps we all face in the adoption process.  We have talked quite a bit about the spiritual side of adoption.  She had sent me a message earlier that day.  God as setting the stage for me!  I love it when He does this!  Reminds me again of just how much He loves me (and YOU by the way!), and how personal He is! The message was from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.   It was on obedience.  John 14:15 - If you love me, you will obey my commandments.  It talked about how obedience is a choice. God will not force us to do what He asks, He is a gentleman.  Two years ago, we obeyed.  That obedience is what God uses to show Himself to us and to others.  The outcome of the obedience isn't what I had hoped and definitely not what I had dreamed, but the obedience - doing what God asked me to do - and the continued obedience in this situation, is what God is asking of me.   In that moment yesterday when Tracey asked us to count our blessings, 6 faces popped into my head as the breath of one of those blessings brushed my neck as I held her in my lap.  I pulled her a little closer to me and the tears began to fall.  The release had come!  God had spoken.  "Stop making yourself pay for what you had no control over.  You obeyed when others would have ran.  You obeyed when others told you to run. Stop forcing a cloud over every family event.  Enter this glorious season of thankfulness and of celebrating My Gift to you with a full heart."   Wow!  I didn't know!  I didn't realize until that moment I felt I had to have an element of sadness to every family event we did - family pictures, carving pumpkins, watching a movie as a family.  I felt like I had to almost verbally acknowledge the missing piece before we could go on with our event.  But God released me from that!  I can enjoy the holiday traditions we have as a family without having a moment of silence that someone is missing.  My other children deserve a mom who is all in...not holding back because there needs to be a cloud over all we do.  

There will be times of sadness, I know.  There will be genuine mourning in the coming holiday season.  But I am released, free to celebrate our family traditions, free to dance with my children, free to relish making Christmas cookies, and free to be Thankful for the blessed life I have as we gather around a table in a few weeks!  Free to fully feel joy and peace despite a missing piece!

And that my friends, is the peace that passes all understanding that only a God who knows the pain of losing His own Son for MY sins can bring!  I owe Him my life!

When you have done all else....STAND

We are one week and 6 days into life without our oldest daughter.  Honestly, I'm not sure even still what life should look like.  John and I talked about it last night.  We have to face the heart wrenching possibility that she will never reconcile to our family.  We only had her a year and a half.  She may decide to find her "family" somewhere else.  Circumstances right now would say that is the case.  Where she has chosen to place herself is a toxic environment - physically, emotionally and most of all spiritually.  Family and friends ask us, "What now?"

God has given me Ephesians 6:13 twice in the last few days "and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]."  That's what now!  We have just begun attending a new church - a post for a later time - and our new pastor's wife, Tonya, handed me a piece of paper with a couple of scriptures on it Sunday.  This was one of them.  And with it, she had written the Greek for withstand - "anthistemi - to cause to stand; suggests vigorously opposing, bravely resisting, standing face-to-face against an adversary, standing our ground...with the authority and spiritual weapons granted us we can withstand evil forces."  That is what now!  I will stand against the devil himself for my daughter!  I will fight for her until my last breath!  It's what a mother does!

Now before you put me on some sort of spiritual pedestal, understand that the last few days have not been all that great.  In fact, last night, I lost it and sobbed shaking the bed enough to wake the dead - aka John when he sleeps!  I haven't been able to spend as much time in the Word with school starting, so the lies of the enemy began creeping in.  My thoughts wondered to places that had me focusing on circumstances and not Truth.  I have had my moments of despair where I wondered if my heart could ever forgive someone who walked out on me and made the accusations she has made that caused us - and our other children - to walk through circumstances I would never in a million years have dreamed I would find myself.  But as God tends to do in my mothering of all my children, He keeps bringing the correlation between my daughter and myself to my God and me.

I meet with an amazing woman of God each week.  The Truth and wisdom she has been imparting to me over the last year is honestly the only reason I can stand under the weight of what is going on in my family right now at all.  She has taught me the Truth of the Secret Place in Psalm 91 and of how we soar on wings like eagles without growing weary or fainting.  She has taught me how to be hidden with Christ!  I am so thankful.  We started  a new book this week.  And it came with a disclaimer from Becky.  She warned us that we are entering enemy territory because we are about to upset his apple-cart with what we will learn in this book.  My answer....BRING IT ON!!!!  I couldn't even get past the intro without having to stop and process.  It is good stuff!  And it has made me reflect on the past year and a half with Paizley.

The book is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard.  Here is one of the nuggets that got me to thinking: "The problem is this: even scripturally correct truth cannot always penetrate a soul that is filled with stronghold thinking....He does not change, bypass, or override our memories and beliefs; He just keeps offering His love and truth until we finally become willing to exchange our old beliefs and old ideas for them." Wow!  I don't think I could sum up the past year and a half with any better words.  In my weakness I take the rejection personally, but when I am standing in faith and trust in God, I see that this whole thing has little to do with me and a LOT to do with a battle over a soul!

God gave me some scriptures for Paizley over a year ago.  If I reacted the way my old self would have - like my old self of about 10 months ago - I would be shaking my finger at God and asking why?! But I am walking in a new lever of trust, faith and understanding of the character of my God!  I know that the path my daughter has chosen is not the path God would have chosen for her.  Just like I walk on paths at times that God would not choose for me.  The fact is, when we do that, we are outside God's perfect will.  His Word is clear that He will not force Himself nor His will on anyone!  We are free to choose!  Liberty Savard says it this way, "This partial verse [1 John 3:8 The reason the Son of God was made manifest (visible) was to undo (destroy, loosen, and dissolve) the works the devil has done] tells us that the reason the Son of God appeared on Earth was to destroy the devil's works - to loosen and dissolve them - and He will provide what we need to do the same thing. This is God's will, but your will has to make a choice to call your life on Earth into alignment and agreement with God's will in Heaven.  God will not force you to do so, but He will help you." (emphasis mine)

So many times Christians become disheartened, and I have done the same thing, because something God gave us to pray for didn't happen.  For me, this has always in the past put me on a downward spiral to doubt and unbelief.  But now I understand many times when the outcome is not favorable, it is because a free will was exerted.  It is important of me, and I think all of us, to understand this so that I don't become disappointed or disheartened with God over the outcomes of circumstances and situations that involve humans!

Now, God doesn't teach me lessons like this to sit in judgement!  He teaches me lessons like this to put the magnifying glass on myself!  You don't watch a child walk away from your family without lots of self-reflection!  At least, I don't see how you could.  As I watch my daughter walk away, I am challenged to ask what I have walked away from?  What has God wanted to teach me that I have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to?  What plan has God had for me that I let circumstances or feelings dictate the path I took instead of standing on Truth!

There are a couple of circumstances in my life right now that are threatened by feelings and sight to cause me to give up.  No one in their right mind would advise me to push forward if I laid out the pro/con list or spelled out the details.  But here's the deal, when we live according to Biblical prinicples, we are not in our "right mind" - we are in the "Mind of Christ"!  And that operates according to rules and order that we don't understand here on earth!  Doubt me?  Jesus was born to a virgin.  Jesus raised Lazerath from the dead and then raised himself from the dead.  Jesus fed 5,000+ with a few loaves and fish.  When society gave up on a woman, he went to the well to meet her one-on-one and spoke life.  Peter walked on water - at least until he took his eyes off Jesus.  Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and spit back up.  And I lived through a child walking out my door with my granddaughter!

So if you are facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable or God has called you to what appears to be the impossible, let me encourage you!  Another scripture that has come up multiple times in different ways this week is Matthew 17   "Then the disciples came to Jesus and asked privately, Why could we not drive it out? ²⁰ He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of ^[h]firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [^[i]that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you."  NOTHING! That word does not leave room for argument - with faith, no thing is impossible for you!  And when you've done all else, stand!  Then watch the enemy run!  James 4:7  I pray you see your mountain start to shake today as you stand in faith and say to it MOVE!  I'm watching mine do the same!  

The Journey: My Heart is Broken

I am not even sure how to start what I have to say, so I'll just lay it out there...Paizley and Peighton are gone.  Paizley left with her Friday night while John and I were out of town.  We have called authorities and are trying to make sure Peighton is safe.  We have very serious concerns for Peighton on many levels.  I have to trust that God will protect her or I will lose my mind with worry and fear.  But God keeps steadfast him whose mind is set on Him (Isaiah 26:3).

There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel.  Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened.  We cleaned out her room yesterday.  She has made her decision.  We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions.  It has been the number one frustration.  Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.

I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in.  When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.

I have so many questions.  I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me!  But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.

The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream?  I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.

I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption.  In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted.  This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country.  They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son!  It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son!  But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage.  The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself.  Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim.  This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out!  And he chose to remain behind.  The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing!  He was told.  But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!

When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing.  But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ.  This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him.  So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life.  Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.

But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ.  He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth!  In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley.  She had a choice: obedience or disobedience.  God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!).  We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background.  When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home.  I did that.  The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience.  Read Deuteronomy 28.  It doesn't get any plainer than that.  And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!

The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy.  Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance!  My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way.  That is not what any parent wants for their children!  My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure.  But this I know.  My God is still on His throne!  As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom!  My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.

So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening.  Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church.  The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked!  But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ!  He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases!  He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did.  Did He allow it?  Yes!  Was it His desire?  No - and because of that, I choose trust!

This story is not over!  Even as I stood and worshiped  and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love.  There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied.  You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side!  Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right?  But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry!  And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now!  During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her!  I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter!  Did she come back, no.  But I will not stop waging war for her until she does!  Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!

Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me?  My answer, "No.  I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath.  It's what a mother does."

Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!

My Gethsemane

I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross.  John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation.  We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this."  I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task.  It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same.  We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!

Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days.  The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days.  I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart.  I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat.  I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.

I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family.  But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months!  I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life.  I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months.  God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter.  However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me.  Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial.  But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over.  The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing.  Some days it was paralyzing.  Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.

As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it.  I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months.  When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea.  There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption.  I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child.  But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible.  I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me.  And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did.  "God, PLEASE take me back!  Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain."  I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life.  I don't even know if regret is the right word.  I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.

In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead.  It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor.  I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation.  Take away all of it.  Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking.  For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done!  I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it.  I guess you could say I prayed it in faith.  But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out.  God is so faithful!  I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray.  I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different!  I began to feel the hurt lift.  I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point.  There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there.  It was like nothing I have ever experienced.  I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!

We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans.  I knew God was parting my Red Sea.  I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart.  I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making  way for just that.

It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday.  I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea.  But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through.  And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey.  As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought.  When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day!  It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross!  No more and no less than what I need for THAT day!  And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip.  And that is why I say YES!