An Amen to Remember

I have entered the world of the ink'd ones!

I have been contemplating getting a tattoo for awhile - but wasn't quite ready. But then I learned about starting with amen.

In two short months, John and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage! Because of what we both do professionally, and what our family looks like and stands for, we often are told how people admire us as a couple. I cringe inside just a tad when they do. I want to sit down with them over a cup of coffee and tell them our story.

Anyone who knows me, know transparency is something I strive for. But I also try to balance that with throwing my pearls before swine and constantly being a drama queen as our life has so much drama. And I also understand that my story intersects others' stories. I try to share of mine what I can without invading theirs.

For that reason, I have not shared much about John and my marriage. I hope some day soon we can share our entire testimony! It is a God story for sure! But for now, I am going to have to be a little vague. I know when being vague the mind wonders to the worst case scenario. So I want to say as I share without details that there has never been any type of affair in our marriage. We have struggled with some hard subjects and baggage, but never have either of us gone outside our marriage. I want that stated up front so those reading have that understanding going into it.

We have walked through so much the last eight years. Really our entire 20 years of marriage, but a lot of really hard stuff the last eight. I actually started listing some of it, and the list made this paragraph a novel - so I replaced it with hard. We will leave it at that.

Either one of us could have left, but we didn't. The stress that we walked through in our lives was enough to drive a wedge between any couple. At times it did. At times it made us cling to each other. But through it all there were some underlying issues that we have battled for 20 years. And I was tired.

I think probably it was my midlife crisis. For some reason 44 hit me hard. I did a lot of reflecting. I don't know if it was having a high school graduate. I don't know if it was finding myself getting settled into a home that I absolutely love on land that is my piece of heaven on earth. Or maybe it was just the first time in a few years where there was enough space to breath, and I realized I had a lot of regrets.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things in life that just left me wishing I had done something different. Self reflection is a good thing, I believe, as it helps you not repeat the mistakes of your past in your future. However, I also know the enemy can use self reflection to bring shame, anger, and bitterness back up to bite us in the ….well, you get the picture!

The only person I found myself truly angry with was me. Maybe that is because I learned a long time ago that the only person I can control is me. So as I reflected, I was mad at myself for not doing some things differently that would mean I was at a different place in some areas of my life - and my marriage was one of them.

I was also struggling with just the constant demands of my life - 8 children at home, two with some significant behavior issues, one with significant health issues (we had no idea at this point that Ava's was degenerative or terminal), and operating a ministry that found me constantly having to battle systems to get what was best for kids. My stress level was through the roof. I did not see any end in site. So I ran away.

I have written about that time before. I took a week and went on a work trip and then to help my parents pack. I did not tell anyone, but I was not sure when I returned if I was going to come back refreshed or resolute. I wasn't sure if I was coming home to work on my marriage or coming home to pack my bags.  I wasn't sure if I was really willing to work on my marriage anymore. I left seeking God's face and His voice. It was all I knew to cling to at that time. - not a bad place to place your grip by the way!

Over that week as I cried out to God He revealed much to me - about Him and about me! He promises that when we seek Him we will find Him. And find Him I did.

After all my whining, deliberating, justifying, surrendering, crying, and listening, God told me - make a choice and do it! You see I had said with my mouth I was committed and wanted to stay and fight, but in reality I had a crack in the door so that if things did not change, I could open it and walk out. God was asking me to shut the door - or to open it and walk out.

What I am about to say could be controversial. I am going to do my best to communicate it very clearly and theologically sound. So let me start by saying God hates divorce - let me pause to say there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! So if you are reading this and are divorced, do not let the enemy use this to place shame on your for divorce! I think you will understand as you continue to read - Truth is Truth. Malachi 2:16 says, "I hate divorce, says the Lord." Not much gray area there. He is not a fan of divorce.

However, as I wrestled with God that week, He assured me I had his permission to leave my marriage. Hang with me to the end - remember, I know God hates divorce!

My marriage had not been operating as God intended for many years - if ever really. Our marriage looked nothing like the one described in Ephesians 5. For my part, I would swing my pendulum from submissive (read door mat - not submissive in the Biblical definition) wife to demanding my needs be met. Neither of those are Biblical or work well in a marriage.

As I reflected on 20 years of marriage that has been full of heart ache and frustrations (on both of our parts), God told me I could leave. He would not stop me. I would walk out. HOWEVER - he was NOT blessing my leaving! You see there is a difference! There are many things of this world that breaks God's heart. And there are some things in my marriage that breaks God's heart. He shared my hurt with me in those things - so He understood my wanting to leave. Me leaving would be a sin. I had no Biblical reason for divorce. But many aspects of how our marriage was operating was also a sin. Any sin outside of denying Christ is forgivable. Me walking out was forgivable, however, like all sin, it would take me outside the blessing of God. That was enough to give me pause and make me want to consider my options a little more. But God was clear - I was to go home with my decision made  - trust Him and commit to my marriage no matter what or leave and face whatever that meant. But get off the fence! Make a decision and do it.

I had been to a conference earlier in the summer and heard a woman by the name of Beth Guckenberger speak.  She is a foster and adoptive mother, she and her husband had been missionaries in Mexico, and they worked in orphan care ministry. She told her story to point to God. I related to her in many ways. So I bought her book. I had taken it with me to read the week I was gone. The book is titled Start with Amen.

As I struggled through whether to commit to my marriage or commit to leaving, I read these words by Beth:


Amen is the verbal equivalent of hands raised. It can be translated as "So be it" or paraphrased as "It is as you say." It's more than our modern understanding of "uncle" or "I give up." It is surrender in a spirit of "It's up to you[God]; you [God] do it," and ""I made the promise, but only you [God] can fulfill it." So I whisper, You sell the house. You move her heart. You heal that body. You open the door. You  provide. You go before them. Amen. So be it. In your time. I trust. I surrender. Amen. 

And this one word reorients me, calibrating me with a God whose covenant he will never break. … 

That's what I'm looking for: a spiritual confidence that supersedes circumstances, a peace that passes understanding. 

As soon as I read those words, my soul cried out AMEN! So be it! I knew my decision was made. And I knew I would have to find a way to press in harder than ever before to God - to the heavenly perspective of life. I would have to lay down my desires. I would have to lay down my rights. I might even have to lay down a dream or two. But I shut the door. I made the decision that I would go back and pursue my marriage with all I had in me and all God is in me.

I looked into getting the tattoo even before coming home - but in the middle of summer with a new pool, I knew my kids would not be happy if I could not swim with them for three weeks - so I decided to come home with the commitment in my heart and the plan in my mind.

I told John about my week and all God had revealed. I told him I wanted to get the tattoo as a reminder that I am all in! It's kind of like my second wedding ring - it's a commitment to choose God over anything I "feel" in my marriage. It's a commitment to trust God with the outcome.

So tonight, I got my first ink! A permanent reminder to trust God and start my thoughts, prayers, and decisions about my marriage - and a lot of other things in life also!- with "so be it" then let God write the rest....

The Next Faith Journey: Around the mountain again and SOLD!

Just when we wondered if it would ever happen, it did! We had one offer on the table, but the buyer had to sell their house. They had not even put it on the market yet, and had backed out twice on putting it on the market...so we were not totally sure they would go through with it. So we scheduled an open house. We have been told by numerous real estate agents that open houses don't work. But we had asked God if there was anything we needed to do in our wait, and we both felt having an open house was His answer. Within two hours of the end of the open house we had an above asking price offer that was not contingent and gave us a week lease back at no cost! Truly, a gift from God! God has spoken to me at the beginning of the process that we would know His love by the sell of our house. In my desires, I had assumed that meant a fast sell! But as we sat down to sign the contracts, I was overwhelmed with God's love as I looked at how He has truly blessed us with a stress free contract! And the couple has been AMAZING to work with! We had the inspection and easily agreed up on what needed to be fixed and how it would be fixed, It has truly been the most stress free contract we have ever had on a house! That's God's love...extravagant and peaceful! And abundant...literally while we were signing the contract that night to send back to their agent, John received a text from one of the other people who had put an offer on it a few weeks back. They were wanting to put an offer on it again...abundance! Such a great picture of God's love for a gal who is very legalistically wired and has a hard time believing God just gives good gifts because He loves us and is a good Father who just wants to lavish great things on his children!

But I have to tell you, the journey is almost comical as we look back at it. I mean like you could write a pretty hysterical cartoon about our trip to that point. Once God spoke to us that we were not to battle for the sell of our house, but instead were to rest so that He could give it to us as a demonstration of his love, it took us a couple of trips around the mountain. I had a very wise mentor that would say God takes us around the mountain until we learn the lesson sometimes. I would definitely say that is the case here.

We had so much interest over the course of the 44 days it took to sell our house. It seemed like it was constantly a game of "this offer is on the table" then "they backed out and we are back to square one". It was an emotional roller coaster of excitement that our house was possibly sold and disappointment when it fell apart. But after God spoke that it was not a war to fight, but a time to rest in His love, I tried to stay focused on that. John and I both had our moments where we could just rest in that and circumstances did not make us waiver, but we also both had moments where the circumstances over came us and despair, fatigue and frustration set in! But here is the cool thing! About two days before the open house, I felt God say, "Trust me!" I had this sense of wanting to just free fall into God's love. I literally pictured myself falling off a ledge and bouncing up into the air again as I hit his "love" as if I hit a trampoline (in case you don't know by now, I am very visual! ;) ) I was honest and told God that I was scared to let myself fall because I wasn't sure how I would survive if he let me hit the ground instead of catching me! Typing that, I understand how ridiculous it sounds that God would drop me, but in my heart, that was my fear. I only heard one word in return -JUMP! So I did!

The next day we got discouraging news about the family who was putting their house on the market to buy ours (this was before our open house). As soon as John told me, I had a very brief moment of panic, and then the familiar voice - "I've got you! Keep falling!" And I did! I did not waiver one bit in my resolve to trust God and keep falling into His love! And so did John! For the first time in all the roller coaster ride, John and I both at the same time did not let circumstances dictate our emotions. We did not let circumstances dictate our mood. We stood on what God had said and resolved to wait until His time to make circumstances line up with what He had already spoken! We had finally walked around the mountain enough times - we had the lesson not just in our head as knowledge, but in our heart and had changed how we operated! And the next day, we received the amazing contract! I can't say that I have ever "felt" God's love more than I did in that moment. The free fall didn't end in me shattered at the bottom, but instead wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father smiling down at me!

And even the timing has been perfect despite my begging God to give us a contract sooner....we will be able to stay in our house one week which puts us needing to live somewhere just as my in-laws are headed on vacation leaving their house empty! We will move in the new house the week after school starts,  (the first week we will be close enough for the kids to start school, just not in our house) so no sitting at a new house with no friends making the kids more anxious about life in a new city....so many things that show God's extravagant love and provision for us! Truly thankful for the lessons we have learned on this journey! In nearly 19 years of marriage and all the "adventures" John and I have taken, I would say that this one by far has exceeded any in teaching us spiritual truths as individuals but most of all as a couple! Some day we will share our entire testimony....but for now I am resting in the fact that we have walked together closer spiritually through this than ever before! And can I tell you, the enemy hates that! Which will have to be a post for another time! :)

Thank you for those who have taken this journey with us! It has been amazing to hear all the stories of those who have shared. Many of you are still journeying (as are we....this journey isn't just about a house but about our family entering a spiritual promised land that we are still fighting to retake!)...please know that I am believing with you for God's extravagant, loving and best for you ending to your journey as well! Don't give up! He has amazing things for you!

The Next Faith Journey: Losing Focus

Warning: This is not a pretty, neat, all the ends wrapped up with a nice lesson at the end post! It's messy!

But I have committed to documenting this journey in all transparency...so welcome to my mess!

The last two weeks have been rough! I started this journey committed to the journey. Meaning, keeping my focus on God and the day to day walk instead of focusing on an outcome. You see, when we focus on an outcome, then we have lost focus of the One Who called us to that outcome. When we focus on an outcome and our journey takes us in a different direction than that outcome, we question God's goodness, faithfulness and even at times, His existence! But when we focus on Him and the step by step of the journey, then no matter where we end up at the end of the journey we are satisfied because we have drawn close to God and learned more about His character and His love for us. I started this journey determined to do the latter!

But a few days ago, I realized my focus had shifted. You see when we started with the Country Club house, it was pretty easy to focus on the journey because the outcome was almost as scary as the journey itself....that house needed a LOT of work, and a LOT of resources to make it what we had hoped it would be. But now that we had the Austin Stone house as the outcome, the outcome became more than I had ever hoped or imagined for a home I would ever live in. That made the outcome very desirable and the journey felt excruciating!

God has spoken clearly to John and I both that this move is the process of us coming out of the wilderness and moving into our Promised Land. As God does in his very personal relationship with us, His children, and as a God who is into the details, He had given me Deuteronomy 7:1-2 as our family verse for 2016. These verses talk of the "nations" that are inhabiting the land God is calling the Israelites to inhabit. Verse 2 says, "and when the Lord your God gives them over to you, and you defeat them, then you must devote them to complete destruction." There is a whole series of posts I could do from all just that one verse has taught me this year already, but for now lets just say that the "devoting them to compete destruction" has meant for the last couple of weeks the issues in me, my kids, my marriage and my family that God knows has kept us from being all we could be as individuals and as a family (our promised land) have bubbled to the surface so we can deal with them. And can I just say when your trash bubbles to the top, well, it ain't pretty!

So with the view of the journey being a trash heap, the view of the outcome became my focus - in an unhealthy way! I knew I was in trouble when twice I heard myself telling John, "If we don't move, I don't think I will make it!" I am not quite as shallow as that comment sounds. In both cases, I was referring to the "move" in the context that it will be our promised land and these issues we are dealing with will have been put to death and defeated once and for all - put to "complete destruction!" But still, I had just put to words where my heart was - if I didn't get the outcome I wanted, then I was done. So what that really says is that the outcome is more important, more powerful, and more meaningful to me than God who called me to this journey and will be the same at the end (no matter the outcome) as He was at the beginning! So I tried desperately to regain my focus and press into God making Him the main thing again!

As we have dealt with our "nations" inhabiting our promised land (read strongholds and issues we need to submit to God), we have had to deal with some pretty heavy stuff! God has brought some things to the surface of my heart and in our family to deal with that I thought were long gone. Even this morning as I woke up, the heaviness of many of the things we are working to put to complete destruction felt like a weight sitting on my chest making it almost impossible to breath. So in keeping with my transparency of this journey with the good, the bad and the ugly (today being the latter), I just wanted to share...in case there is anyone else out there walking a path that doesn't have a nice packaged look with the bow on top just yet. I just wanted you to know you are not alone! And I also want to encourage you to keep pressing in! I am! Yesterday when the heaviness threatened to overtake me, I put on praise music, raised my hands, danced, and praised until the heaviness lifted just enough for me to feel God's love and presence! There was another day that as I drove to pick up kids at 5:00, I repeated out loud in my car, "God is good! God is faithful! God is for me, He is not against me!" I just spoke Truths whether I felt them or not until the heaviness lifted just enough that I knew I could make it through the rest of the day. This is a war we are in! Satan is not letting go of us easily as we walk toward our promised land! But keep walking! Use the weapons of warfare we have to fight back! If you need someone to share your struggles with, please message me! I am happy to stand with you...pull you along on days you need a little help, and you can do the same for me! What I know more than anything is that the enemy wants to isolate us in these times because we are much easier to take down alone! Don't let him use that strategy on you....we are the Body of Christ, and we need to help each other out in tough times! Our promised land is waiting.....

Faith is Radical

As we work to continue to mold our world with that of our sweet Isabella, I realize just how radical our faith is. Even for Callie, I realize how much the world has already influenced her thoughts and ideas of standards for living. Mainly we are dealing with clothing and appropriate attire right now. Don't have an issue with Callie's dress yet, but as we talk about the why's and the boundaries that will be in place, the arguments that come out of both of their mouths break my heart!

But I am finding that God is just using that to reveal to me how radical faith of any kind is these days. And also to show me how much I am influenced by the thoughts and patterns of the world. John and I have a major decision to make in the weeks coming up. It is a radical decision. The answer should seem obvious, and I know for many who we would ask, it would be. In fact, at one time, we were giving the same answer. But as clear as day, I know God picked me up from walking in that answer and turned me completely around. He made it clear we had not consulted Him on our decision. The new answer is radical! It is not logical! It is crazy! It will take faith! Nothing in sight says it makes sense! Yet, if we were not to change from the path we were going to the new, radical path, why would He have stopped us? Wouldn't He have left well enough alone?

Because of the funk I have talked about so much lately, over the past few months, when God has spoken directly to me or I felt a nudge of the Holy Spirit, I wrote it down. Word for word as best I could what God was trying to show me or reveal to me. I have been reviewing all these notes over the past couple of days. Things that seem so clear in that moment of revelation become so clouded when I walk out into the world called my life as mom of 6 with one on the way. But here is the deal, the only thing keeping us from moving head long in one direction is HUMAN limitation! That's it. We look at a situation that God has put before us and John and I both say, there is NO way! John is still unsure, but I am almost certain God is saying, "this is My way, walk in it!" I am totally ready to lay that down if my husband tells me that God has told him no or that is not the direction he, John, feels we need to go. It will be hard, not because letting go of the situation will be tough (although that has its own heart strings too), but because it will leave me once again in a crisis of faith with God. If I am walking down a path and am at peace and content with that decision, why in the world would You, God, turn it all upside down just to turn me back around and continue to walk in the original direction? There will be some serious crying out to God if it turns out we end up not walking down this path. But let me add here how grateful am I am to be a woman at times like this! I know my place. Regardless of what I think God is telling me, the buck doesn't stop with me! I am protected under the covering and the leadership of my husband. Does that mean I will agree with him? Maybe not in the beginning. Does that mean I will not have to struggle through some things with God and maybe even John over the outcome? No. But it does mean that I can present what God has said to me to John then sit back and let him make the decision. My job at that point is to pray for John and ask God to impart His wisdom to John so that John can make the right decision. But the burden of that decision does not fall on my shoulders, and that is a blessing. Makes me thankful and makes me realize the importance of bringing my man before God on a daily if not hourly basis since these burdens do rest on his shoulders for our family!

In light of this situation, Mary is my hero right now! I read about her visit with Elizabeth. I'm sure this especially speaks to me right now since I am carrying a little blessing myself - one God brought to us because we certainly were not planning him/her! I've not been called baron or beyond child bearing years as Elizabeth was (although I have felt like that at times with my 'advance maternal age' and all!), and this was not an immaculate conception. But sparing you all the intimate details, lets just leave it at this baby is God ordained! I've never had direct Words from God spoken over me in my life. I've never had anyone come up to me and say, "God told me _____ for you or a situation."....that is until this pregnancy! So in some ways, I very much relate to these two women! They both were carrying children who had been spoken over as vital in the kingdom of God. They both knew that the radical beginnings of the lives in side of them were just that - the radical beginnings of radical lives for their two sons! Elizabeth's words to Mary are so encouraging to me right now in Luke 1! When Mary spoke to Elizabeth, John lept in her womb! How cool is that? Even in the womb, John the Baptist knew the Messiah had entered the room! I love it! Elizabeth encourages Mary by telling her that she is blessed because she has believed that what God has told her will happen and is true! Oh how I want to be like Mary! The words spoken over our baby are not that unbelievable compared to Mary. Let's see....Mary's baby was conceived through immaculate conception! You could just stop there and call Mary a hero for believing she is pregnant! Goodness knows I've had a hard time grasping the fact that I'm pregnant and I've done the deed to get that way, am now feeling movement and had many more symptoms to make it register! But Mary believed the moment she was told. I would like to think if an angel had come to tell me and not a stick with a line, I would have grasped it sooner also, but I'm not so sure I would have! God had spoken this baby's existence over me several months before I got pregnant, but I still didn't believe when I got pregnant.

But Mary, in her absolutely crazy circumstances, doesn't stop with belief! Luke 1:46-55 is Mary's blog post of Bible times about the goodness and wonder of God! She isn't wallowing in self-pity that God would place this burden on her or call her to such a high thing! Let's think about it: she is a pregnant virgin with the Savior of the world! How believable is that? Think of going to your mother, your father, your fiance and explaining that one! Really?! It has cost her friends and family. It brought undeserved shame and embarrassment. Yet she says, "My soul exalts in the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior!" Oh to be like Mary!

God make me not only believe what You are asking of us right now, but let me rejoice in being the one You have asked! Get my eyes off myself and the world and onto You and Your kingdom! Give me a bigger perspective that allows me to rejoice in the things you have called me to in this world! Yes, I have reward in heaven, but help me to see the rewards right here!

Processing....

Well, I am trying to process my new perspective. Yesterday we had a really important meeting that I will blog about later. But the outcome of the topic of this meeting has the potential to be life changing for me and literally millions of other. When faced with situations like this, I am always taken back to my stones of remembrance. Now stones of remembrance are supposed to be those things that remind you of the provision and faithfulness of God.

"Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." ~Joshua 4:5-8

Well, I have always struggled a little with that. I definitely have stone's of remembrance that show God's power and provision...the agency right now is a HUGE one! He has provided what we need financially to keep running during this hard time. I have no idea how! The money is just there. Its not always there right when I think we need it (like right now when salaries and rent need to be payed and we have enough to do neither!), but somehow by the end of the month we are able to feed the kids, pay our salaries and rent. Thank you, God! Then there is my marriage that has been through more battles than the civil war! But we are still together! God has saved my marriage to John. Thank you again, God! Noah's adoption is a huge stone of remembrance! It was really the first real faith step I had ever taken, at least knowingly taken! I knew all the risks, it wasn't what I would have chosen to do, but we did it because God made it cleat it was His will, and every little detail worked out.

But there are several BIG things that haven't worked out so well. One of the biggies is Eden and Addy's adoption. Did beauty come from the ashes? Definitely! And I can see that. But I still struggle with the fact that when I sat on the side of my bed in month 8 or 9 of the process with a death certificate that had Eden's mom dying before she was born, I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel. Not because I didn't want Eden, but because I knew that something smelled fishy (there were many more things than just the death certificate!). But right there, on the edge of my bed, God took me to a Psalms (I don't remember which one now) and I clearly heard Him say that Eden is coming home and you can't stop! It wasn't just "don't stop", it was, "she is coming home and don't stop!" Well, she didn't come home. So why didn't He let me stop?

I know that I will never know all the answers because God is the only one that knows all the answers. And the way I dealt and went on with that huge disappointment was, "Well, God is God. He is in control, I am not. And I just have to accept that." While that is true, the attitude that began to build with that was not true. That was the beginning of where I am today that when faith journeys don't turn out well, I see God as a tyrant up on His throne just messing with my life and causing me pain because He is more concerned with the bigger picture than with my personal pain. I took a self-sacrifice view. I have to be willing to sacrifice myself for the common good because God is way more concerned with the common good than with me. It also made me pass up any promise in God's word. I know I can believe the Bible, but it just doesn't seem that all His promises are true. For example, He says that we don't have to worry about what we eat or drink because He takes care of even the birds of the air. Matthew 6:26 (looking this up to make sure I have theology right here!) Well, tell that to the starving people of developing nations. Where is God's promise for them? I don't have that answer!

BUT, what God showed me yesterday, that is going to be life changing when I can fully soak it in is that He wasn't sitting on His throan just saying, "Sorry that is what has to happen for my grander plan! I know you hurt, but it is worth it, trust me." He is right beside me, crying with me, hurting with me, disappointed with me. He reminded me that men have free will. He reminded me that I live in a fallen, broken world! You see the agency that I was working with had choices when they processed Eden's case. They chose to do things the "easy" way instead of the right way, so she didn't get to come home. That broke God's heart! Wow! I NEVER thought of it that way! I know, I'm dense! But truly, that never occurred to me. Could God have changed it? Yes! He can do whatever He wants. Why didn't He? I don't know. The balance between God's plans and free will remains a mystery to me, and probably will until I die! But being the analytical person I am, I needed to realize the truth that when God's design doesn't work out, He is heart broken! When the church hurt John and I, God didn't intend for that to happen...He used it to move us to where we are now, but He could do that another way...when that happened, He hurt too! He was disappointed that His children had hurt each other!

I think of the people in Liberia that God has given me a passion for. Not just the children, but the oppressed people who remain in poverty while leaders send their families and money to America to enjoy all the benefits we have here while there villages don't even have water or restrooms! It makes me angry. I believe it is a righteous anger. I asked God yesterday, "Why do you allow this?" The answer: Free Will! Those leaders are making a choice to rule that way...and it breaks God's heart! That is why He is sending people like Addy's Hope and thousands of others to be the voice for these people! He hasn't forgotten them! He is just having to try and clean up the mess left by human free will! Could He just snap His fingers and fix it? YES! Why doesn't He? You will have to ask Him that! But the new realization about this for me is that He hurts with them! For whatever reason He allows it, He is not void of emotion as He looks at the state of His children. He is deeply grieved and hurting with those of us who call ourselves His children!

Still processing it all, but this is just a huge revelation for me! It takes away some of my anger and frustration with God! It shows me that I can hurt with Him, coming into deeper communion with Him as Kay Warren said instead of seeing Him as a Daddy who would sacrifice me for the rest of the children giving me a feeling that I am really not important to Him.

I am important to Him, and so are you! Whatever you are going through right now, God is hurting with you!

Can't wait to see what else God shows me about this! I truly think this will be life changing for me as I seek to know Him more and walk fully in His promises!

Submission

That is a dirty word in today's culture! But I have always sought to be a submissive wife. After 10, almost 11, years, I still struggle with what exactly that means. But this morning, God was reminding me of one part of it. As I long for my baby, I tend to take matters into my own hands. Do I trust God to bring her/him to me? Yes! Do I like His timing? NO!

So today as I prayed specifically for baby P, I heard God say, "Let John lead." What?! You have to be kidding! If I let John lead, we will never have a baby! He wants to be done having kids! He doesn't have the heart for adding kids to the family that I do (I mean no disrespect to my husband..over the years, I totally recognize his not being as willing as me as a safety valve to keep ALL the world's orphans from coming into our home by my hand!)! So God's response to my argument: "That is between John and Me, if you step outside him then you are not in My will." That was not what I wanted to hear!

So since my sweet husband had already left for work, I sent him an e-mail asking permission to send our profile and home study to a couple of referral places. I was planning to do that today, but I will walk in submission to God and my husband! Trusting BOTH of them to handle this in the best way! As I told John, sometimes being a strong woman isn't all it is cracked up to be.....which he will find hilarious since just before he left he made the comment "Oh hell, she's awake"---see quotes on side bar for explanation!

I can't send it without his permission, but I can sure pray that he says YES!!! So that is what I will do.....while still preparing myself to be respectful(not just act it, but truly trust, rest and respect)if the answer is No!