*Warning - you are about to enter my thought process on re-entering American culture after a trip to Liberia...read at your own risk! :) And please don't judge my grammar or punctuation as this really is my thought stream! *
I am back from Liberia. Callie and I got in on Thursday night. She was amazing! There are no "aha" moments of life change for her, but you can't help but be changed after being there and seeing what she saw. She was right at home! No running water much of the time, no air conditioning, raining almost 24/7, stuck inside with 51 kids, and she never complained! I had to stop and remind myself that this was not her first time there as she was just so at home there and with the kids! I have an amazing daughter!!! She taught the kids to sing, "That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha!" She did some funky dance/walk thing with it, so by the end of the week, I had 51 kids and several staff walking around doing a funky dance/walk singing the same song! It was priceless!
There are many funny stories,but the overwhelming need just keeps me from sharing those right now. The need to process the trip. It wasn't a stressful trip, in fact, compared to my other trips where we have worked the whole time to get clearance only minutes before take off, it was a very restful trip. However, the overwhelming need is still there! Adoptions still aren't open. That means money isn't flowing. That means staff haven't been paid, but are working because they believe in what we are doing for the children. It means the food we bought while we were there was bought with personal money because all the agency money was gone. I just sit and shake my head at all that needs to be done in Liberia knowing that I serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I just need a couple of cows to feed my "sheep", yet I have none.
Those things along with some personal issues we have been dealing with has brought me once again to a crisis of faith in my life. Who is God? Is He real? Does He mean what He says? I believe when you come to a place like this, you have to just get real and get with God! You see, I "know" the right answers! If you sit and tell me that God is good all the time, He never leaves us or forsakes us, He only has my best interest at heart, I know all that...but when the rubber doesn't seem to meet the road, you have a crisis of faith.
So what do I do in a crisis of faith? I get before God like never before. As I traveled home, I begged God to answer many questions. Silence. I begged Him to show me how to go on, how to move forward, how to deal with the personal crisis and help the people of Liberia. Silence. Then I asked Him what He wanted from me, "Seek me!".
I read a book 4 or 5 years ago. It is called A Call to Die by David Nasser. When I read it before, I was literally unable to fast from food because I just couldn't do it. I would try, and by noon, I was done with my fast! So when I read it last time, I fasted from day time tv of any kind. It was a good time with God.
Several months ago, I did the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It was a great experience and gave me great confidence in my ability to carry out the spiritual discipline of fasting. But I haven't done any fasting since. I didn't grow up knowing about fasting, so it is kind of a new concept. When I did the Daniel fast last time, any spiritual implications kind of alluded me. But over the past month, I have just felt a heaviness....a need to seek God like never before...to dive deep for answers to questions that no one can answer for me, but God...to see Him real and in ways I never have...to know in my heart, not just my head, that He is good all the time and will never leave me or forsake me.
You see, what I see right now, just doesn't say that, and what I see in my past many times does not either. When in Liberia, I was crying out for God to provide for our ministry. I was reading 2 Corinthians under the direction of the Holy Spirit. Chapter 9 verse 6-10 just struck me as if someone had orally said them to me. They speak of when you sow sparingly you will reap sparingly, and when you sow bountifully you will reap bountifully. I thought about John and I personally. We haven't sowed as bountifully in the past as we should have with the blessings we have received, but we are both changing that! I can say that currently, we are doing much better at sharing our blessings with others. Then I thought about Addy's Hope. We have always been a VERY generous organization! When we have books, we share, when we had money before adoptions shut down, we started providing scholarships. Addy's Hope has always cared for as many as possible...not just the adoption workers and children.
Then verse 8 should be true: "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." Hmmmmm, isn't caring for children in an impoverished country a good deed? Isn't sharing the love of Jesus with people in a village a good deed? Isn't teaching women how to help other women give birth safely in a country that is number 2 or 3 (depending n which study you look at) in birth death rate a good deed? Then why is God not supplying an abundance and why do we not have sufficiency in everything? Is it because of sin? I'm sure it could be, I am an imperfect sinner in need of my Savior's grace everyday! But I know and God knows that my number one desire in all that I do is to walk in obedience and bring Him glory. I miss the mark many times as is pointed out often by the people I serve, but that is my number one desire.
Then verse 10 really hit home: "Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness." I got really excited! I started thinking of all that we can do when the seed for sowing comes in! But it hasn't come yet....we don't have an abundance, in fact, we barely have enough.
So that makes me start questioning the whole "Does God really exist or is this just some bad joke?" question. That may be offensive to some of you, but I don't apologize. It is just a woman who wants to follow God with all her heart sharing where she is right now in the midst of some really hard life stuff! If this verse isn't true right now, is it ever true? And if this isn't true, is anything in scripture true? And this is when you have to stop, take your thoughts captive and seek God like never before for the answers that no person can supply for you!
I picked up "A Call to Die" from my shelf and resolved to do the Daniel fast for 40 days. I want God more than food, and I want to be so focused on God that nothing gets in the way of me hearing what He needs to tell me! As I read Nassar's description of what "deny yourself" means: "to deny it [our selfish interests] means: don't feed it. Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and stray away from those things!", I decided I am also fasting from buying anything that is not necessary....necessary means something the kids need for school, food, or household items to keep it running. But clothes, decorations crafting materials, etc are not necessities and thus are part of the fast. I tend to come home from these trips when things are tough and I don't see a way to meet the needs that face me in Liberia and want to turn my back, forget it all and jump head long into American culture! I didn't used to be that way, but the more I try to help and the more obstacles I face, the more I want to just run!
But I know that isn't the answer. So fast it will be! I know following Christ is a call to die..I was even reminded of that in the sermon yesterday! I have a works background that I know is effecting something core in me that is keeping me bound up, so I will seek what that is, and I will kill it! For the only thing I want alive in my is the heart that longs to obey God...no matter how hard and no matter the cost!
Here is how Nassar put it: "But before we get to the cross, let's understand some things. Jesus begins this statement with a tiny but important word: if. He doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father."
This is radical! But I am tired of fighting the same fleshy issues over and over as God calls me to a higher walk! "It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it....because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." I think I have been playing patty cake too long with some issues in my life. It's time to get it by the throat and strangle these issues once and for all!
