From Mimi to Mommy

It is here. The day that I will officially go from Mimi to Mommy.  I have been in the role of mommy for some months now, but today it will be a legal, final title.

As John and I sat and talked about it, we both agreed that there are no words for the emotions.  This is our 5th time to go before officials and declare our desire to make a child not born to us our legal child as if they were.  There has always been such an excitement and grand anticipation of this day before.  But this time is different.  This time, that declaration carries with it such a heavy burden.

My road from Mimi to Mommy is a long and twisty one.  The road started with a simple nod.

"So, are you pregnant?" And then the head nod that would turn my world upside down.

It took time, but we worked through it.  We accepted that the daughter we had just taken in as our daughter, was now going to be a mother.  And we were going to be grandparents...at 38 years young! The months ahead were spent trying to prepare a young girl how to be a woman and mother.  I am sure we made many mistakes! But I know we did the best we could with what we knew and what we had to offer.  And I know above all else, that we went to God with every decision we had to make and every questions we had about what was next over those weeks and months!  He has been so faithful!  I held my daughter's hand as she gave birth to her daughter on July 18, 2012. It was an emotional day for all of us! No matter what our past was, a new life had been born!  A life God created with a purpose and a plan, a hope and future that was good! And a Mimi was born!

I would only get to love on my sweet girl for 5 weeks before she would leave our home when her mother ran away with her.  It was one of the darkest and most confusing times of my life.  Again, I am sure we made many mistakes, but we did the best we could with what we had and what we knew at that time.  I would kiss her sweet face as she slept in a car seat that her mother carried as she walked out of the police station a few days later not knowing when or if I would ever see them again.  I had to turn her totally and completely over to God! I would have worried myself into complete dysfunction if I had not just rolled her safety and well being over to God and left it with Him. Some days seemed unbearable.  Others just left me in a heap of tears with aching arms to hold my daughter and my grandbaby. 

We would only see her three or four times for just minutes at a time over the next 10 months.  When we did see her, we were strangers.  The joy of getting to see her was always met with the reality and heartbreak that she had no clue who we were!  It was an agonizing pain like none I had ever known.  And I was powerless to do anything about it.  During those months we heard through the grapevine that we were going to be grandparents again.

On June 11, 2013 I once again stood in a delivery room as a baby boy would enter this world!  He didn't want to breathe at first.  I stood over him while he was in the warmer speaking life and praying complete health over him as nursery nurses were called up in case he became distressed.  After what seemed like an eternity, they allowed us to hold him and felt confident he was going to be just fine. 

We spent the next three weeks trying to build a relationship with our daughter and her new family.  God would use this time to bring truth to light in a way that can only be accredited to Him! And on July 3 we received a phone call that we never dreamed we would receive.  Our grandbabies had been left with John's parents.  CPS would be coming to get them after the holiday to determine where they would be placed.  The next hours were a blur as God literally lit each and every step for us to take! We learned things in minutes that I had never heard in years of a career with children! And on July 5, a judge granted us full custody of our two grandbabies.  We now had 8 children in our home ages 13, 12, 8, 7, 3, 23 months, 11 months, and 3 weeks. 

We intervened only to keep them safe.  Our plan was for our daughter to get settled and the children return to her.  From the time we found out she was pregnant, we had made it our goal to support and equip her to be a mother to her children.  God would orchestrate a move half way across Texas just weeks after we gained custody of the babies.  So we left all our support system and moved with 8 children, four of whom were 3 and under.  It was the hardest year of my life! John and I looked at each other on more than one occasion and said, "We can't do this!"  But when we would stop to pray about it, God would always take us back to how they came to be with us.  There was No. Way. that could have happened outside of God orchestrating all the events just as He did.  And what option did we have?  If there had been any other way to keep them safe, we would have done it.  But God made it clear, their place was with us. The enemy tried in so many ways to convince us we couldn't or shouldn't do it.  But God was faithful to always bring us back to how they came to us, and remind us that He has a plan and a purpose for them...and that is ultimately whey they are with us.  We are to raise them to be His children for His kingdom purposes!

We would learn that a third grandbaby was on his way into the world.  After much prayer and consideration, we agreed that the two babies needed to stay with us in order to secure a permanent, stable home.  And again, God made a way where we saw No. Way.  In March 2014, relinquishment papers were signed allowing us to be free and clear to legally adopt the children ensuring that they will stay with us.  And just like that my role changed from Mimi to Mommy. 

It sounds so cut and dry.  And I guess on legal papers, it is.  But in my heart, it is anything but easy or cut and dry.  I should be excited about tomorrow!  And on some level I am.  I am excited that legally, there will be nothing that can take these two precious ones out of my home.  I am excited that there will be legal paperwork to support what I already know in my heart...they are mine. But it also is a death of a dream.  A dream of getting to be Mimi to two precious children while I watched their mother, my daughter, raise them.  It means realizing that they will have to wrestle one day with how and why their Mimi had to become their Mommy.  There will be hard questions.  There will be brokenness that will have to be healed.  I always said when we started fostering that the emotions I had during the process were just unnatural.  I did not know what to do with the emotions as there are no files in my brain to put them in because they are just not natural feelings. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption!  There would be no orphans.  This process has been much like that.  There are just no files to sort out the emotions that come.  There will be deep mourning over my daughter losing her role as mother for her children.  And that breaks my heart in ways I never even knew it could break.

But as I think about last night when Ella (formerly Peighton) played on the stairs at the restaurant where we were eating, I get excited about tomorrow!  Why?  Because while playing on the stairs, she did a free fall about three steps up for Callie to catch her!  No bid deal, you think?  It is a HUGE. DEAL.  It showed trust!  The little girl who came to live with us was scared, confused, slept for three days straight, and cried just about non stop!  But before me stood a confident, trusting, giggling little girl who just gets to be a little girl! And that makes me happy.  And that makes all the sacrifices worth it!

And DJ, well you can ask anyone who knows him! He has a light in him that shines bright! And his smile can melt a heart in an instant! He is my boy!

Even as I sat down to really process things before we head to court, God showed up! I was going to look up the scriptures He had given me for Ella last year about this time.  I knew they were in Isaiah but would have to do some looking to find exactly where.  But as I opened my Bible to look, it opened to the exact page with the scriptures marked with her name! It was just one more encouragement from God that we are doing the right thing for them.

Today, the third time that we have scheduled court, we are FINALLY going to make this official! This Mimi is becoming their Mommy! And because EVERY adoption should be celebrated, I am going to do my best to lay aside why we are at this place and celebrate the fact that I have two more arrows in my quiver who are a blessing from God in order for me to train and equip them for their Kingdom purposes! The road has not been an easy one, but today, I lay it all down and embrace the title of Mommy with thanksgiving, excitement and joy!

The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago

One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives.  Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....

We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born.  We were trying to preserve relationship.  We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything.  We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically.  We knew he was a lost soul.  We knew he was doing what he had known to do.  We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives.  After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her.  We had come to some agreements.  One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.

It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings.  It is the boyfriend.  They are in a fight.  He is telling me to come get her and the children.  She wouldn't leave.  I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning.  If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves.  After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed.  Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God.  We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.

It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child.  We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways.  However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part.  There was also much emotional healing that had to occur.  We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.

As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man.  John left the room to make phone calls.  We called two local missions.  One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers.  It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed.  The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be.  This is a mission that usually has a waiting list!  But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open!  However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days.  Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place.  And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.

But then the call came.  Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call.  Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call.  John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back.  She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand.  I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next.  John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3.  She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody.  We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.

Rewind to the night before.  It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold.  Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids.  We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding.  This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again.  Surely that can't be what we are to do?!  We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring.  And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection.  I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did.  There are two ways for that to happen.  You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her.  Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!"  I said I would never raise my grand children.  I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either.  I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have  break.  But that decision was out of my hands.

John hangs up the phone and tells me the news.  What do we want to do?  We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do.  We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody.  We agreed this was what God was asking us to do.  We had no answers.  We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from.  All we knew was God said, go get your babies.  And we did.

My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend.  He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him.  He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies.  She nods and he starts up again.

An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned.  My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers.  We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there.  Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies.  And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect.  We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old.  He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight.  Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother.  Now she didn't have her.  She didn't want to be consoled.  She didn't know how to be consoled.  She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth.  She would scream, but wouldn't let us console.  She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.

I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived.  I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path.  I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these.  We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us.  There are days I think we will never make it.  But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged.  It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from!  And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.

So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat.  As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :)  ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him.  I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem!  I know that we are redeeming a generation!  I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.

And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels!  I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!

Trust ME

I lay awake last night about 2 am.  I woke up wondering when the baby would be ready to be fed.  We currently have custody of our two grand-babies, ages 5 weeks and almost one year.  Maybe I will some day be able to tell the story of how they came to be with us, but for now, I can only share it has been a heartbreaking journey that I don't understand.  But they are safe, and that is what is important.  I lay awake last night going through all the scenarios that the future could hold.  From the beginning of this journey that ended in us being granted custody, the only answer God would give as I cried out for wisdom and direction was, "Trust Me.."  That's it.  A simple whisper each time:

Trust Me

There was never a direction of "do _______" throughout this entire process.  Just "Trust Me...."  We did, and He provided at each step of the way exactly what we needed: wisdom, connections, timing, diapers, formula, clothes, baby swing, bouncy seat, a friend to stay with the 8 kids four of whom are three and under so I could go work a few hours and have a quiet lunch.  So as I lay awake last night contemplating all the ways this could turn out in the end, I was not surprised to once again hear, "Trust Me...."  I kind of flippantly replied, with my "sure...." But immediately the rebuke of the Holy Spirit followed: "I didn't say trust Me that they will stay with you, I didn't say trust Me because your heart will be safe and not shattered.  I said trust Me. That means you trust in Me...not in an outcome."  

Immediately, I felt the panic rise!  Ever since I knew we would be taking the babies into our home, I have wrestled with the "what ifs" of them being taken out of my life again.  I am so tired of heartbreak.  I am so weary of battles.  I have felt a divine peace with them in our home.  There have been times when the anxiety would start to creep in, but the small whisper would say, "Trust Me...." and the peace would return.  Last night I realized I had started to take that as a confirmation that the children would stay with us, and God quickly reminded me He had not promised that.  Now I am not saying that He was saying the children will not stay with us, my Father who knows my heart, who knows my previous struggles, knew where my trust was being placed. Trust is defined by Miriam-Webster's on-line dictionary as "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; or as one in which confidence is placed."  God knew I was beginning to place my confidence in them staying...and my peace was coming from the "confidence" (mis-placed confidence!) that the children would stay with me and my heart would not be shattered once more.  In the quiet of the morning hours, God asked me again to trust HIM!  He asked, "If they go back, will you trust Me? Will you trust that I am still sovereign?  Will you trust that I am still good?  Will you still rely on my character, ability and strength and continue to walk in relationship with me?" I wish I could say I immediately repented and answered with a resounding and confident, YES, Lord!  But that was not exactly how it went!  The tears came.  My heart ached at the thought.  But in the end, I laid those babies on the proverbial alter and agreed that I would walk this path in full trust and obedience of my Lord!  I would trust and stand in belief that no matter what happens, God is good, God is faithful, God is kind, God is loving.  I chose in that moment to put my trust - my assured reliance on the character and my confidence in - God....not an outcome, but in God!  

Today that trust was challenged.  We had a meeting that brought the reality of the future into greater clarity.  I don't know what will happen in the end, but I know I will choose to trust Him with it all!  I will choose to believe He is for me and not against me!  

I have prayed Psalm 91 almost daily for the past two years.  Verse 2 says, "I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress. My God in Whom I trust!"  And to that I say - Amen and Amen!

The Reality

Warning: this is one of my "real" posts.  I would appreciate readers just reading and not feeling the need for a sermon or reminding me of all the "right" things to think or do right now.  I know them...I'll get there.  But this is just the reality of where we are.

I am a Mimi again!  Demetri Julian was born Tuesday morning at 1:39.  I was blessed to be there.  He is precious! But the reality is, I don't know if I will get to be a part of his life.

My first grandbaby is almost 11 months old.  We were the only place she could be left because of some things going on, so we kept her while mom was in the hospital.  I was so excited about that...and then reality hit.

This is a baby girl who has no idea who we are.  She is very dependent on her mom.  She has no schedule to try to at least keep that the same for her.

In my mind, it was going to be two days of getting to be Mimi the way I would want to with any of my grandbabies.  But did you know you can't be Mimi when all they do is scream when they are awake?  Did you know consoling a child that you can't console because they have no idea who you are is not what being Mimi is all about?  But it is my reality. And the other kids who have wanted so badly to see her, especially Toben and Ava, wanted to hold her.  But all they got were screams in return.  Yesterday when I left to take her to the hospital to meet her new brother, Ava and Toben ran into the room screaming, "Wait! I want to say good bye!" and "We might not see her again!" That is their reality.

Today we say good bye.  We don't know if it will be for a few days, a few weeks, or again for a few months.  Once again, I find myself in a place of not really having a file to put the emotions this life experience brings.  Definitely sadness and frustration.  But even as I woke this morning, the Lord knew what I needed.  My first thoughts were, "do not grow weary in doing good" and "suffering brings perseverance; perseverance character, and character hope."

The reality stinks! But somewhere under the layers of pain, hope still flickers!

My Baby Girl

A new friend at our new church blessed Paizley with a free newborn shoot for Peighton.  I am so thankful for these shots since they may be all I ever have of my granddaughter.  It's a bit painful to look at them right now.  My heart feels like it might just break in two completely a I wonder about where this precious baby is right now and what her future may hold.  But I know God put her in our life so that we would cover her in prayer during this time!  I may not can physically rescue her, we have done all that we can at this point.  But I can pray angels around her! The past two days have been so hard as I think about Peighton.  In the book I am reading by Liberty Savard, Shattering Your Stongholds, She talks about denial as being one of our coping mechanisms.  Like shock to the physical body that keeps you from dieing in physical trauma, denial does the same for the heart and mind in emotional trauma.  Over the past few years, I have gone from someone who faces emotions straight on and deals with them to a person who lives in denial.....a lot!  Especially when it comes to hurts from those around me.  But God is revealing more and more that denial is not going to allow me to live in the freedom He has for me.  He is teaching me to recognize the hurt and pain, and then let it go to Him!  Regardless of the situation, God is teaching me to let Him handle it.  Trust Him with it!  There's that word again...trust.  If you have been reading my blog for long, you know God has had me in a place of learning to trust again since Eden did not come home...and something tells me I will be on this journey until I see God face to face!

So this morning, you are part of my therapy!  :)  I am getting the pictures off the disc.  I am stopping the denial that I have a granddaughter that I don't know when I will hold again. I am stopping the denial that it hurts.  I am embracing the truth that God loves her more than I could ever love her and I am choosing to trust Him with her future.  I am rolling my grief onto Him and asking Him to heal my heart.

I have to.  So WHEN my girls return home, my heart will be ready to receive them!

The Journey: My Heart is Broken

I am not even sure how to start what I have to say, so I'll just lay it out there...Paizley and Peighton are gone.  Paizley left with her Friday night while John and I were out of town.  We have called authorities and are trying to make sure Peighton is safe.  We have very serious concerns for Peighton on many levels.  I have to trust that God will protect her or I will lose my mind with worry and fear.  But God keeps steadfast him whose mind is set on Him (Isaiah 26:3).

There are really no words at this point to even describe how we feel.  Truly, I can't even get my mind around what has happened.  We cleaned out her room yesterday.  She has made her decision.  We have found over the last year that our culture, and most definitely the police department where we live, make it almost impossible for parents who wish to raise teenagers who understand the consequences of life long decisions.  It has been the number one frustration.  Laws are not enforced and parents rights and desires really don't matter.

I can't say that I have thought a lot about what has happened. I can't spend much time thinking about it or despair and anger and fear and doubt and unbelief threaten to creep in.  When those things start to invade my thoughts, I stop, cry out to God for mercy and strength and go on taking care of the 6 babies who remain under my roof.

I have so many questions.  I have some doubts and regrets...any mother who has a child walk out and doesn't have any regrets would concern me!  But I also have some really strong assurances that we did the right thing in many of our crossroads over the past year and a half.

The most asked question is why would she not choose to stay where she had so many opportunities.....she had been given a job at a daycare that was letting her bring Peighton for free, we had agreed to support her and Peighton through the last year of high school and on into cosmetology school which was her dream?  I have my speculations about why, but the bottom line is....it was a choice.

I have thought a lot about my friends who this summer pursued the adoption of a teenage boy in an international adoption.  In this country, the child gets to say if he or she wants to be adopted.  This family had literally seen miracle after miracle to get them to the country before this child was unadoptable by laws in both the US and his home country.  They traveled all the way around the world, fully in love with their son!  It didn't matter that he wasn't legally theirs yet, he was their son!  But after two meetings, and even initially signing the statement that he wanted to be adopted, he chose to stay in an orphanage.  The more devastating part of this story is that this young man has a birth defect that in his home country will make him a total outcast and most likely leave him with no way to make a living for himself.  Once he is forced to leave the orphanage in two years, his life is grim.  This couple and the life - the home and family - they offered him was his only way out!  And he chose to remain behind.  The fact, he didn't have a clue what he was choosing!  He was told.  But ultimately no one in their right mind would choose the life he will live over the life he was offered!

When they returned home, my friend wrote a blog post through her broken mommy heart that was amazing.  But the part that touched me most was when she paralleled what had occurred with the choice we all have in Christ.  This young man was offered a free gift...a home with parents and siblings who loved and cherished him before they ever met him, a life of opportunity and success, but instead he chose to remain an orphan and live in bondage to a system that will ultimately turn its back on him.  So it is with Christ and his sacrifice on the cross to give us eternal life.  Anyone who walks away from that gift is walking into bondage and eternal separation from God - hell.

But God takes it a step farther - we don't have to wait for a physical death to reap the rewards of life in Christ.  He has a life of abundance for us right here on earth!  In the last week, God tried desperately to communicate that to Paizley.  She had a choice: obedience or disobedience.  God even singled her out in church Wednesday and our Pastor spoke directly to her about her circumstances and what God wanted to do in her life without knowing anything about what was going on (that's called the Holy Spirit!!!).  We are attending a new church - so our Pastor knows very little about any of us or our background.  When I would pray about the situations we were in with our daughter, God kept instructing me to make it about eternal kingdom things - not our family or our home.  I did that.  The bottom line is God cannot bless disobedience.  Read Deuteronomy 28.  It doesn't get any plainer than that.  And there are many more scriptures about the blessing of obedience and the pitfall of disobedience...and I'm not talking about obedience and disobedience of parents...I'm talking about doing what God says or walking away!

The enemy comes to still, kill and destroy.  Jesus came to give us life, not just any life, a life of abundance!  My heart is broken that my daughter did not heed the warnings given to her and will now have to learn the life lessons the hard way.  That is not what any parent wants for their children!  My heart is broken for what my granddaughter may have to endure.  But this I know.  My God is still on His throne!  As much as I love my two girls, He loves Paizley and Peighton more than my heart can even fathom!  My God will never leave me and never forsake me - or Paizley.

So I have a choice too. I can become angry and bitter, or I can release it to God and trust Him with every aspect of what is happening.  Yesterday was my first Sunday to be part of the worship team at our new church.  The old me, the me of probably even two years ago, would have never stood on a stage declaring my love for, admiration of, belief in or trust of a God who had just taken us through the year and a half we have walked!  But that is the beauty of a life hidden in Christ!  He has walked me each step...put amazing spiritual giants in my life to teach me about walking a life hidden under His wings so when times like this come, my faith and trust in God isn't shaken...it increases!  He didn't choose to walk out my door, Paizley did.  Did He allow it?  Yes!  Was it His desire?  No - and because of that, I choose trust!

This story is not over!  Even as I stood and worshiped  and truly offered a sacrifice of praise to my Heavenly Father, He wrapped me in His love.  There is a phrase in one of the songs we sing that says I called and He replied.  You send your kingdom and stand by my side....at that moment I could literally feel the presence of God - if I could have seen the spiritual realm, I am most certain there were more angels than I can fathom standing right there with me - by my side!  Later in worship, we sang another song that has a part where all we say is woah-woah-woah...real spiritual, right?  But the first time I heard this song, I got goose bumps because that part sounds like a war cry!  And if I know anything after the last 10 years, it is that we we are in a serious battle for the Kingdom right now!  During this part of the song yesterday, I belted those out in a way I don't think I have ever sung before, I and I knew that at my war cry for my daughter, God released a legion of angels that flew to her side and surrounded her!  I know there was a battle right then that was being waged in the spiritual realm for the life of my daughter!  Did she come back, no.  But I will not stop waging war for her until she does!  Not just to my family, but to her God! Because ultimately, that is the real thing that matters!

Paizley asked me one time, have you given up hope on me?  My answer, "No.  I will never give up hope on you as long as I have breath.  It's what a mother does."

Paizley, wherever you are, your mommy loves you and she has not given up hope on you!

Introducing Peighton Hope

I would like you to meet my granddaughter.  You have heard much about her, but here she is!  She is perfect.  She will be going home with us.  We are praying and trusting that all will be as needs to be for her to stay.  Paizley did an amazing job during labor and delivery.  It was fast, but she was a real trooper!  We laughed about the fact that this is one time she can be thankful she is adopted....she doesn't have my baby birthing genes! It was a great day, and I felt the prayers of many.  We were in a good place to have a wonderful day to remember when Peighton Hope entered the world!

My Gethsemane

I want to start with a disclaimer to this post....I am well aware that what I am suffering right now does not even compare to the cross.  John and I have a saying when things get tough and one of us wants to throw in the towel in a particular situation.  We always encourage each other by saying, "We have not suffered to the point of sweating blood yet, so we can press on and do this."  I have not suffered to the point of sweating blood on this journey I am sharing with you now, but I think God put the struggle of Jesus in scripture for us so we can know that even Jesus did not go to the cross without at least a slight pause and a request to opt out of the task.  It gives us freedom to without guilt or shame do the same.  We just must be careful that when we walk out of our Gethsemane we are at the same place Jesus was - totally and completely yielded to the will of God whatever that means!

Paizley is set to deliver in a couple of days.  The reality that the last few months will end with a innocent life being born into this world has pressed in heavy on me the past few days.  I knew I had to deal with all that was going on in my heart.  I knew I had to get with God and allow Him to sift my heart like wheat.  I had to get in a place where I was ok with God and could walk wholly and fully into the days ahead whatever they might bring.

I haven't shared details to protect the privacy of our family.  But I know you know from what I have shared, this has been a rough 8 months!  I honestly have never suffered more intense heartache and personal injury in my life.  I have had heartache, but not as often and as concentrated as has occurred in the past few months.  God has miraculously brought me to a place of healing each time...a place of forgiveness and restoration where I could put the hurt behind me and move forward in the relationship with my daughter.  However, the past 4 weeks were the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for me.  Nothing happened that was big, and in comparison to some other events they seem trivial.  But for whatever reason, they were the hump I couldn't get over.  The hurt that welled up in me when I would think about Paizley giving birth and bringing the baby here to raise and all that meant for me emotionally and day to day was almost paralyzing.  Some days it was paralyzing.  Once I wrestled with the emotions, I was too drained to do much but make it to the end of the day so I could crawl in bed and pray sleep would come.

As the time has drawn closer for delivery, I knew I had to bring the hurt to the surface and deal with it.  I had to get on my face with God and find a way to face the coming days and months.  When I would think about the baby being born, I would feel like one of the Israelites at the Red Sea.  There were two options: bring the baby home or place with another family for adoption.  I shared from the beginning that it has been our desire and our goal for Paizley to parent this child.  But as the time drew closer and closer we were not sure that was going to be possible.  I felt like her bringing the baby home and parenting in our house was the Red Sea in front of me that would wash me away if I stepped in, and placing her with another family was the Egyptians in hot pursuit behind me.  And I heard myself grumbling much as the Israelites did.  "God, PLEASE take me back!  Take me back to days when life was easier, when I didn't have to think about being a grandmother or helping a wounded teen learn to parent. Take me back to a familiar place without the pain."  I am not saying I regretted Paizley or the life that she carries, don't hear that...I regretted the circumstances of our life.  I don't even know if regret is the right word.  I mourned the circumstance of our life. I mourned what I left behind in my Egypt and cried out in fear for the sea that lay in front of me.

In the last two weeks, I have found myself locked in my bathroom and falling to the floor completely overwhelmed with the tasks that lay ahead.  It was in these moments that I would remember Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and would pray Jesus' prayer many times on my bathroom floor.  I would cry out to God and ask Him if there was any other way to please remove me from this situation.  Take away all of it.  Rewind somehow or miraculously do something..I didn't even really know what I was asking.  For the first few times, I had to pray that several times before I could get to the next part...BUT no matter what, not my will, but GOD's be done!  I didn't really mean it the first couple of times I prayed it.  I guess you could say I prayed it in faith.  But I followed those prayers with surrendering my heart to God and asking Him to heal the wounds and bring me to a place where I could walk this out.  God is so faithful!  I even had an amazing friend who text me and said she was going to start her first ever fast - a fast from Dr. Pepper - to pray for us! I put it on Facebook which I don't normally do that we were not in a good place for Paizley to give birth and asked for everyone to pray.  I now it is cliche to say you "feel prayers" but in the places I have walked the past several years, I can say I have truly felt prayers...and this time was no different!  I began to feel the hurt lift.  I began to think of the baby coming...something I hadn't been able to do up to that point.  There was a mental and emotional block that wouldn't let my heart and mind go there.  It was like nothing I have ever experienced.  I began to experience the healing that only comes from the Holy Spirit cleaning house in your heart!

We sang a song yesterday in church about the power of God parting oceans.  I knew God was parting my Red Sea.  I wasn't totally sure what the "dry land" was going to look like that I would cross over, but I knew God was parting the waters of my heart.  I knew the prayers I had cried out on my knees for God's will to be done were unfolding as He was making  way for just that.

It all culminated in a very needed, healing and God ordained time between me and my daughter yesterday.  I kind of feel like the Israelites again in that there will be obstacles, famine, drought, wars, etc even after we walk across the Red Sea.  But I will have this time to look back and remember that God brought us through.  And He has taught me to rely on Him in a way I never had before and taught me even more about Himself and His character through this journey.  As I prayed with Paizley yesterday I was able to honestly and earnestly thank God for the lessons this time has brought.  When the drought or famine does come, and it will because we still have a LONG way to go, I will not run in fear but look to the heavens and wait for the manna and quail to fall that will sustain me for THAT day!  It's the biggest lesson I have learned from my Gethsemane - when God's will is not for the cup to pass, but for me to walk out the dying of myself, I will remember the cost of the cross and say YES - and God will then provide whatever I need daily to continue to walk out the road to my cross!  No more and no less than what I need for THAT day!  And on the other side, I will look a little more like Christ than I did when I started the trip.  And that is why I say YES!

One month from today!

Paizley is due one month from today!  I can't believe how fast time is going.  We finished our last birthing class last night.  I have to admit as much as I dreaded the classes, they are when I get the most excited about  the baby coming.  I am still extremely reserved as things are still not great in that situation, but after a couple of good days, I at least allow myself to think about the "what ifs" of her living with us.

And then the panic sets in!  That has been the hardest part of this entire ordeal  As John and I talk about the potential outcomes, we always come back to the fact that there is just not a "good" outcome that we can look at and say, yes!  We want that!  Obviously the best and the one we pray is that Paizley is able to find the healing and strength it will take to be the mother to this precious life!  That is always the goal we are working toward.  But even that has so many struggles and demands for me (and her) that I find myself shying away from that outcome also.  As I have said many times, this journey is just hard! Paizley and I have both talked about how we wish things had been different, but there is no turning back time.  Oh how I wish young people (some older people too) but particularly young people would understand the implications - life long consequences - of decisions that seem harmless...like who you hang out with in class or believing the adults in your life who send up warnings about people you are dating or friends you are keeping.  Add to that the complexities of Paizley and us all trying to still get to know each other and learn how to live as a family....like I said, its just hard!

I thought by now I would be ready to embrace the role of grandmother.  I am not.  I have prayed through this.  I don't know the total block I have with accepting that role, but it is there!  I know part of it is fear!  Fear of not being a good Mimi.  I feel like I am just now figuring out how to be a mother, I don't want to take on the role of grandmother yet.  I am not ready.  But God's Word assures me that perfect love casts out all fear.  I am submitting my emotions to that truth and asking God to prepare my heart and mind to be the best Mimi I can possibly be to that little girl.  It is also hard because John and I still have such a responsibility for that child.  We are not her parents, but because of the situation as it is right now, we have the role of parent to her in many ways - yet we are not her parents and really can't view her as our daughter or all kinds of relationships in our home will be messed up!  I truly can't even get my mind around what that role looks like in our situation!  But that would be worrying about tomorrow, and today definitely has enough trouble of its own...so I will just make it through today!

And part of  today is that the we received a call at Addy's Hope from what is our first potential birth mother!  The responsibility of walking another woman through this most difficult time and heart wrenching decision is heavy on my heart this morning!  Then add the legal responsibilities to make sure I have all the forms, give her all the information, etc.  I would become totally overwhelmed and throw my hands up except that I remember agencies do this all the time!  And if they can do it, with God's help, I can do it!  And then I thank God that He keeps me reliant on Him by putting me in absolutely impossible for me situations!  I have come to learn to love the place in life where I can't possibly make it without constant communication and second by second dependence on the One with all the answers. It's a good place to be, really!

I survived!

There are a couple of defining moments in this journey of becoming a pre-mature mimi that I have dreaded since I got what has become known as "the nod that changed my world" (that would be the nod to the 'are you pregnant' question asked).  One of those moments was birthing class.  I don't know why I dreaded them.  I mean regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception of a life, the birthing of a new baby is one of the most precious and miraculous events on this earth, and being there at the birth of my grand baby will truly be an honor no matter what lays on the other side of the birth.  But the dreading of the birthing class is just one of the myriad of emotions this journey has taken me through that I really can't explain or even understand...something very difficult for a woman who typically is in control of her emotions and knows why she feels how she feels and how she will "fix" the feeling if it needs fixin' (that's the southern way of saying that for those not from around here!).  That has't been the case the last 7 months.  It's different than the hormonal ups and downs of a pregnancy, it's deeper.  The emotions cut to the core and effect my every fiber.  That is one of the things that has made this journey so difficult.

But I digress....the closer the time drew to leave for the class, the more I wondered if I would truly survive!  No, it doesn't make sense!  Its just a class, I get it!  But for whatever reason, I nearly lost my breath thinking of having to sit through the class as her coach.

Got off to a rocky start because she had the wrong location.  So to make matters worse, not only was I the grandma in tow, we had to walk in after the class was started!  Honestly, I just prayed it would be obvious who was there for the class, and they wouldn't mistake me as a participant also! Seriously!

I glanced around the room and quickly realized this would be four Monday nights of me....and the dads!  Yep! There are teen classes, but Paizley waited too long to sign up and they were all full...need even more evidence of the need for a teen maternity home here?!  The teen birthing classes fill up faster than the traditional class!

But about half way through the class, I realized my nerves were gone...I thought back to the ride to class and realized Paizley and I had some very candid, authentic conversations....the most intimate conversations we have had in a while.  And I immediately knew why!   I have a group of friends who have committed to pray for me each day of a week, and then some friends who I know are prayer warriors in general.  I had sent these women a message letting them know my apprehension and asking them to pray! I know how cliche it is to say you "felt" prayers, but let me tell you, I felt the prayers!  I was able to lay aside the emotions that have been between my daughter and myself for the past weeks based on events out of my control.  I was able to be there for her in a way a mother always wants to be there for their children!  It was a good experience!  I didn't just have to endure it, but God made a way for it to be a bonding moment for me and my daughter in a very struggling relationship.

So now I am left to practice my back and neck massage techniques and my hee-hee-who breathing!  Very different being on this side of things from the birthing classes I took 12 1/2 years ago!  For all you bonding and attachment gurus out there from the adoption world, you will be glad to know this nurse said the first thing you do when you get your baby is rip off the blankets and the gown (yours and the baby's) and get skin to skin for at least the first hour and a half!  Love that lady! :)

But I did leave the class with one very unexpected emotion!  I think it would be amazing to be pregnant again........

ok...I couldn't just leave it there!  I tried!  I really started to post it with that cliff hanger....but if I came up pregnant, I would not want my mother thinking I planned it or she would disown me! :)  I sent a text to my group of friends during the class saying, "ok now you need to pray for John because I think I want another baby" to which my amazing mentor replies "if God answers you with a smoking tablet written on by His finger..... :/" But even then, I don't think John would go for it!  So relax Mom!  There are no plans for number 8! :)  But then again, there were no "plans" for number 3 or number 7 either......

T-minus 7 weeks and hurting....

So I haven't posted a lot on the journey to being a grand mother.  There are many reasons for that, but the main one being I have respected Paizley's privacy as she has walked out this season.  I will continue to do that so there will be few details in this post.  I hesitated writing this as without the details (or even with the details for some) this post has the potential to bring harsh judgement and accusation.  But God brought to mind my fellow pre-mature grandparents to be and reminded me that this is one of those hard topics that just isn't talked about often enough.  So I am putting it out there in the hopes of others once again finding encouragement just to know they are not alone!

This journey is hard!  Yesterday Paizley had her second sonogram.  Baby is still a girl.  They did the 3D or whatever that is called where you can almost "see" her...like for real!  It is creepy and amazing all in one!  As the face came into view, the tears started to fall.  I couldn't help it.  They weren't tears of joy, but tears of heart ache!  I was looking into a precious face that I just might have to hold and kiss what appears to be a very chubby cheek then let go.  Because we haven't shared details with hardly anyone but those in our intimate circle, few know the events of the past seven months.  But the events have been such that even at this late date, we do not know for sure what will happen with our baby girl.

All options are still out there.  It is our most sincere prayer and heart's desire for this baby girl to be raised in the arms of her mother with the loving doting of two grandparents who weren't quite ready to embrace the title, but are more than ready to love a life and speak into that life all she needs to be all God has planned for her! But the truth is, John and I can't make the decisions that will ensure that scenario.  We can support, pray, plead and plan for that, but ultimately the journey this path takes is not in our hands.

Early in the pregnancy, my heart for this baby girl was tender.  But over the months with each incident, a brick was placed in a wall of protection.  I find it hard these days to even picture her or what life with her in our home will look like.  Some of that is fear of what that reality is because I can't imagine adding a baby to what our day to day looks like right now, but a big part of it is that I don't really know that day to day life with her will exist.  I don't know what decisions Paizley will make in the next 7 weeks.  I don't know for sure what decisions John and I will make in response to those decisions made by Paizley.  The thought of loving her and then having to let her go literally, physically, takes my breath away!

I have learned a new level of trust in God over the past few weeks.  I pray almost daily for answers in this situation, for specific directions.  And there is silence.  The only answer I get is, "Day by day, Daughter, day by day."  Those who know me know I am a planner!  Not just for the physical aspects of events, but for the emotional as well!  I want to know which basket to put my emotions in.  But God wants me to put my emotions, plans, hopes, dreams, hurts, etc, etc, in HIM!  I am learning to do that!  I am learning to go about the day to day without knowing what tomorrow will bring.

But there are the moments like yesterday sitting in the sonogram room after having a very candid discussion with Paizley in the waiting room that the reality of our situation hits like a ton of bricks and the pain comes!  This has been a journey of more heart ache yet with the potential for the most hope of anything I have ever walked.  Yet as I look at all the possible outcomes, there is not a single one that is "easy".  They all come with a cost that is almost more than I think I can pay...until I remember the cross.  I might can look at the people in the situation and think I can't do this, but the people are not who called me to this, it was Jesus!  God was the one who asked us to bring a 15 year old girl without a family into our home and make her our daughter.  We said yes.  So to turn back now would be to spit in the face of the One who was mocked, beaten, whipped and nailed to a cross for me.  Regardless of whatever pain and discomfort this journey brings, it is nothing compared to what My Savior already did for me.  And for those who have adopted, you know, she is no longer some teen that needs a family, she is my daughter.  PERIOD.  So walking away from her is never an option!

And that is why we press on!  That is why I do trust Him with the next few months.  He is worthy of my trust and He is worthy of my pain!  This journey is for Him!  And it's why I can look friends who are thinking about adopting teens from the system in the face and say, "It has been the hardest year of my life, but I would do it again!"

If we come to mind, pray for us.  Pray for Paizley.  God has a hope and a plan for her and this baby that far exceeds everything she ever hoped or dreamed.  Pray she embraces that!  Pray for John and I as we walk out these next few weeks. Pray for equal parts love and truth.  Pray for wisdom beyond our years to guide, direct and decide what is best for everyone involved.  And pray for our other 6 children.  The last months have taken its toll on them too....and the only thing harder than being refined by God is watching your children being refined by God!

And for all my fellow adoptive moms turned grandma sooner than we would have liked, you are not alone!  If you ever need an ear that truly gets it, call or e-mail!  I would love to visit.  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

It's Prom Night

This has been one of those tough days for me. It's prom night.

A year ago, that would have excited me....even 7 months ago, that would have brought giddy anticipation.

When we were contemplating adopting a teenager, it was the football games, the tack meets, the dance teams, the youth group functions, etc that we dreamed about. We got excited about getting to be a part of those events with our new daughter!

And one of the nights I dreamed about most was prom. Who would ask her? Of course someone will because my daughter is beautiful and has an amazingly fun personality! I knew once she got into the high school building, someone would want her to be their prom date. Where would we go to shop for a dress? What kind of dress would she want? There would most definitely be disagreements about dresses due to my standard for modesty, but we would find one that made her look like the princess she is, and our eyes would meet in the mirror and we would both know that was "the" dress!

Those were the dreams I had. Those were the dreams I have had to let die. Those are the dreams I have had to keep from dwelling on as the pictures go up on Facebook of my friends' children in their prom attire with their prom dates. She and I talked earlier today about Prom....she might get to go some day, I know that. But today, she isn't. And next year, even if she gets asked, she'll have to get a babysitter to go.

I keep thinking this journey of mothering a pregnant teen daughter will get easier. It hasn't. Nothing about it has gotten easier. It stinks. If I am not consoling her about the life that she has had to leave behind, I am trying to pull myself up out of the pain of what the past held and the fear of what the future holds. I truck along ok most days, but then nights like this hit where the reality of what has been lost for my daughter, and the dreams I had for her are driven like a stake through my mommy heart.

We love the baby...she and I both do. This isn't about that baby...it's about my baby! The baby I had dreams for....my baby whose having a baby.

Pink or Blue update!

Looks like there's going to be more bows and frills around our house! 90% sure Paizley's baby is a girl...so we are having a grand-daughter! Everyone knows how much I love bows, so this will be fun!

Seeing the sonogram and knowing the sex has made it all the more real. It was a hard day for me that day. I love the baby, but I still morn the life I had pictured for my daughter. Having to take on all the roles and responsibilities of being a mom at 16 is NOT what I had planned in my mommy heart for her.

I have said since the beginning of fostering and now through adopting a wounded teenage and walking with her through this pregnancy that I have had feelings that don't go into a neat little file box. Maybe I even said that in my last post. Sonogram day was a day when it felt like the emotional filing box had been thrown in the air and landed in a pile of mess on the floor.

But God once again picked me up and set my feet under me and we are walking again! Some days we walk with quite a limp, but we are walking and we will one day be out of this valley and be high on the mountain top looking back at this time knowing God walked with us when we could walk and carried us when we couldn't! And I'm convinced its the journey He is the most concerned with anyway!

Pink or Blue?

Today is the day! We will find out if we are having a granddaughter or grandson! Well, if the little peanut cooperates, that is!

I haven't blogged much. Not because I don't have a million blog posts in my head, but because I can't seem to find the time to sit down and get them out. I am amazed by these moms of large families that blog regularly! They are obviously way better at time management and organization than I!

Today is a big day...and I have many emotions. When we started fostering, I would share with others, especially other foster moms, that I have all these new emotions and there are no files in my emotion filing cabinet to put them all nice and neatly. That is exactly how I feel this morning.

First, let me assure you since we first started this journey of grandparent-to-be, my heart has transformed for my daughter and this baby. The journey started with a lot of anger and bitterness, but one cannot stay in that place long and continue the work God has for you! I love my daughter with all my heart! We are daily trying to prepare for the baby and all that means logistically and emotionally! And I love that baby with all my heart. When I think about the baby, I get the same swell of love, protection and awe I did with my own children in the womb or waiting for me to come pick them up!

But the emotions don't stop there. Right after that is a swell of.....well, I'm not even sure of a word to describe it. There is fear which I have to continually take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. There is sadness, a heavy mourning over what could have been that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. Thinking about day to day life once the baby is here and all the new demands and potential for explosions that will come with this baby brigs a dread that I have to take to the feet of Jesus and leave there. And every once in a while in some specific situations, the anger creeps back up, and I have to take that to the feet of Jesus, repent, and leave it there!

As the day expired yesterday, I could feel the weight of today pressing down more and more. I realized while I love this baby, I still dream of what could have been and seeing a sonogram and knowing the sex is another dose of reality of how our lives are changed forever by this life. When that precious one is here and we are loving on him or her and looking into the precious eyes God made, I know all the negative stuff will pass away. But in the reality of just having to plan and prepare, I find myself not wanting to fully grasp the reality. After today, my grand baby will not be "it", as we lovingly refer to the baby around here, but will have even more of an identity. I will have to let my heart go just a little more....and there is a lot of fear in that for this situation which I do not necessarily expect anyone who has not walked this path to understand.

Wrestling through the past 4 months, I have daily had to curl up in the lap of my Savior, my Protector, my Counselor, my Friend. When I have to make all those trips to the feet of Jesus with those emotions, I don't have to go far! Simply turn to my right where he is holding my right hand (Psalm 73:23) and lay it all down! Then He tucks me under His arm and hides me in His shadow where for the moment.....I find rest!

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Psalm 91

Pray for our family today if God brings us to mind! There will be a lot of emotions for us all today. There has already been some explosions even about the appointment itself. I think those are resolved, and we have a plan for today. And today is all we are going to think about.....except, I do need a name! So if you have any suggestions for what my little peanut should call me....nothing with GRAND! I'm WAY to young for that! Let me hear them!

The "other side" of adoption

I just finished reading a dear friend's adoption story...not the kind of adoption story most of my friends have. Most of my friends are adoptive parents. This friend is a birth mother!

God started teaching me the "other side" of adoption from the very beginning of our adoption journeys with Noah. We only learned of Noah three weeks before he was born. The situation was scary at best since I knew little or nothing about the truth of adoption and just the scary side of all the circumstances that surrounded this situation. We met Noah's birth mother for dinner on July 12. I walked into that Olive Garden a very arrogant woman. I left repentant and humbled. I had some very pre-conceived notions about the woman who would now hold a place in my family forever. But during the course of a three hour meal, God taught me that I can never judge or think about the life of another person without first considering their experiences and place in life. I could not force my way of seeing this situation on this mother who was raised on the streets by a drug addicted mother while I enjoyed the American dream with two wonderful and loving Christian parents. I understood that this woman who sat before me loved the life inside of her even if her actions didn't "show" it according to the way those in my circle viewed loving a child!

God continued to show me the birth family side even as I traveled to Sierra Leone to complete Eden's adoption and stand at the grave of Addy. There were three families traveling to Sierra Leone. The other two families had birth families who were distant or in one case a bit crazy. But Eden and Addy's dad was amazing. Eden brushed her teeth and washed her face while her father, standing on his only remaining leg, washed his face by her side. You could tell she had been loved and taught to do what she could with what they had. I will never forget the first night I had her. She was sitting on my lap in the living room of the place we stayed, and we were watching TV. I looked up to see her dad standing in the doorway looking at us with a tear sliding down his cheek. I have worked in adoptions in Africa now as an agency. There are many reasons some families give children for adoption to Americans. But this daddy had buried one daughter and didn't ever want to bury another! He loved this little girl and was trying to give her a life he couldn't and the safety he longed for her to have. He had already been in and out of hospitals struggling for his own life because of the infections in his legs and he didn't want to leave his daughter an orphan! The way he handled our entire trip and the bond that little girl and I shared was what made her failed adoption the hardest thing in my life to overcome.

Then with my work in Liberia, I came to respect many birth families, and despise others. I saw families who were left with no choice but to watch their children die of starvation or beg and plead for a better life for them. I watched others who thought adoption was a free ticket to America some day (and those are the ones I refused to deal with if I could be sure of their motives!). We worked very hard to ensure only children who desperately needed new homes were placed for adoption.

God stretched me even further with Madison's adoption. It is no secret that I am not a fan of fully open adoption where both families have constant communication and contact. I have many reasons for this belief and totally understand it is the politically incorrect view of adoption. But I also believe the openness of an adoption is a personal choice that must be made between the adoptive family and the birth family and the only absolute I stand by is that the best interest of the child and not either family should be the number one driving factor in any decision about openness!

With that said, you can understand even more why Madison's situation is so amazing. Madison was placed in our home because my parents knew her birth mother. Madison was placed with us as "fictive kin" before we were licensed foster parents. When we became involved with Madison, it was because I was working with her mother to try to get to a place where the state would let her have Madison back. I actually took her mom to her first visit with Madison after she had been taken into CPS custody. We did not have a clue at that time what God's plan was for us in this family's life and we were totally open to whatever it was...we didn't know if we were there to serve the birth mother, the baby or both! I continued my efforts with Madison's mother even after Madison came to live with us. I would offer to go pick her up and drive her to get job applications or to turn them in. I would call her with places I knew were hiring as getting a job was one of the biggest goals to regaining custody of Madison. Obviously, ultimately Madison ended up with us permanently. However, we didn't just gain Madison, we gained an entire extended family. We have what I never thought I could handle...we have an open relationship with part of Madison's biological family. Madison's maternal grandmother is raising her other half siblings and we consider them our extended family. We text regularly, exchange pictures often and even visit from time to time. It has stretched me for sure, but I am able to do it because Madison's grandmother is very respectful of us as a family and is safe to have in Madison's life.

But now, as we walk out Paizley's unplanned pregnancy, I find myself truly on the "other side". Whether Paizley parents or places the baby is truly her decision. But just because it is her decision doesn't mean that it impacts the rest of us who love her...and the baby... any less.

I have talked to Paizley, I have talked to John, and I have talked to friends. As I read my friend's story about placing her baby for adoption, all those conversations and the questions that lurk in my heart came back.

What if? What if Paizley decides she isn't able to parent this baby right now and wants to place him or her for adoption? Wants to place my grandbaby for adoption? Many have asked if we would take him or her to raise? We have told Paizley we will not do this...that is what I've always said in hypothetical discussions. This isn't hypothetical. This is real. This is a child, my grandchild, my baby's baby. Please understand this is my transparent, raw emotion here. I know the decision is hers, and I know there are many emotions for her in this. I'm not overlooking those, but as I was talking with some other parents recently, we discussed how sometimes we act like parents check all emotions and feelings at the door when we become parents. Obviously we can't act on our emotions and feelings all the time, but that doesn't mean they are not here.

My life's calling is to take in children...to provide families for children who need a family. How would I ever let one go? One thing we know is that we will not raise the child as grandparents. Either Paizley will be mom, committed to raising the child, and we will be grandparents; she will place the baby with another couple to be parents or we will be the parents. I am not sure how you raise a grandchild as a child and not have some confusion in the family...for that child as well as other young children in the family. But I also don't know how 18 or more years from now I answer a young man or woman who might ask, "You took in all these children, but there was no room for me?"

So what if reality is Paizley decides adoption is the best option for her and her baby? Will I really be able to let the baby go? Despite my anger when I first found out and despite the still very real struggles of the day to day reality of what this pregnancy means for Paizley and our family, I already find myself loving the baby...it has a face now...it has fingers and toes...is has a heart...and it has my heart! John says we can't raise it. I don't know if I could let it go. It's her baby. It's my grand baby. It's her decision. It's my heart.

God has a plan....and I pray daily for Paizley, me and John to have the faith, strength and courage to walk whatever path He has!

We are growing again....

I've drug my feet writing this post. Mainly because I don't really like dealing with the reality of what I'm about to share. But also because I really don't want to know what others think right now. Having enough trouble dealing with my own thoughts on the matter and walking my entire family through this without the comments of those who don't really know us or our hearts.


I want you to know that my last post about Paizley and her one year anniversary of being with us was written with the full knowledge of what I am sharing....and I meant every word! So this is what I knew....Paizley is pregnant. Our family will be growing again in a way I never hoped. While as a parent I have always said I'm not prideful or naive enough to think we wouldn't have to deal with a pregnant teen, I never thought I would be doing it this soon. But here we are.

As I have shared with our close friends and family the most difficult part of this is learning how to deal with the entire issue and balance the fact that a sin created this life, but the life is not a sin. We are so sorrowful and at times angry about the choices that were made that got us to this point, but we can't be angry at an innocent life now growing inside my daughter. We have to celebrate this life as we would any because God has ordained it just as He does all lives He creates! (Psalm 139).

I'm sure many will judge us on many levels as we walk this journey. Each step we did what we believed was best for Paizley and our entire family. The irony of this is that she was being home schooled (what I think many times is seen as the ultimate protection from "the world") when this happened. One thing I've learned is that short of locking them in a room with no windows and only a little air to breath, your children will make their own choices and whether you agree with them or not, you all have to deal with the consequences.

Many have asked if we are encouraging her to place the baby for adoption. And most are shocked to learn that at this time we are not encouraging that. Obviously we are very pro-adoption! We fully believe adoption is a great option for unplanned pregnancies. However, we have always believed and still believe that this should be the last resort (other than abortion of course which is not even an option in our minds) for the biological family. Let me try to explain.

God gave this baby to Paizley. One thing I will never understand is why so many loving families struggle with infertility while so many babies are having babies and so many women who truly don't want their children are becoming pregnant multiple times. I don't understand it. I didn't understand it when we miscarried and the pain was very personal, and I don't understand it now when my daughter is one of those teens that is making it difficult for others who struggle with infertility. All I know is God's ways and thoughts are not mine! And I, the clay, do not say to the potter do this or that! And that is where I have to leave those thoughts and feelings.

But I know this. God does not give us more than we can handle IN HIM! That is a vital part of that scripture that we often leave out. I also know God does not give babies to women for them to give to someone else. Let me add here that there are extenuating circumstances of course. There are young women who have no support system who truly can't take on the financial or emotional strain of a baby and the most selfless thing they can do is place the baby. Those women are my heroes! I've always wondered how they have the strength to do it and sitting where I am now, I wonder even more! I can't even imagine what it takes to look at your baby, kiss it good bye and hand it to another person all because you love him or her so much that you want what you can't give! Truly, if you are reading this and have walked that path, I am in awe! You are amazing!!! But in general, I hold to the belief that if God has placed a life in you, He will equip you and walk with you in order to parent that baby. However, that means you have to be willing to make the choices and put forth the effort to grow and mature into the parent God intends you to be.

And that is what we are telling our daughter. First and foremost, the decision is hers. This is her baby! But at this point, we are encouraging her to put forth the effort to become the mother this baby needs. We have a lot of hard work ahead of us these next few months in all areas. But I believe Paizley can be an amazing mother to this child, and I would never encourage any woman to place her baby for adoption if she is willing to put in the work to mother him or her!

My mommy heart aches for Paizley. I keep willing time to stand still so this baby won't come until she gets to have the childhood that had already been robbed of her. The childhood we were trying so desperately to give back to her. But no matter how much I long for the time to stop....it keeps going and the baby inside of her is growing every day...and now, she has to be a woman....a mom. I struggle with what role this puts her and me and all the other children in. I feel like my home has been turned upside down and inside out.

Fear for what the future holds could overcome all of us at any moment. But as I've said over and over these last few weeks, this we know: this is no surprise to God, He still sits on His throne, and we will get through this...One. Day. At. A. Time....because He promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! And the other thing I know without a doubt is that I am more thankful than ever that God gave me Paizley. The hurt and pain and anger and frustration and the 1,000 + 1 other emotions I have had are all worth it because a life has been redeemed...there is hope that Paizley can still have an amazing life and so can this child. Paizley has a support system now that she didn't have just 14 months ago...and that support system is called a family! It's been the hardest year of my life, and this next one might knock this year off that title....but even still, she is my daughter, and I would not change that. I find myself falling to my knees often these days, but I'm just thankful there is a place to fall!

We covet your prayers. The prayers of our friends and family who know have kept our noses just above drowning level these past few weeks. We covet your prayers for our other children. They have to deal with this also. And we covet your prayers for Paizley.