Why We Are Not Praying for Healing for Ava

Before I share my heart on how God has told us to pray for Ava, let me make one thing very clear - I do NOT believe in anyway that diseases - cancer, addiction, pneumonia, depression, etc... - is sent by God. It is against His character. I DO believe He can heal anything He wants to in an instant - or however He chooses! He is all-powerful, all-mighty, all-knowing, all-loving, and sovereign. These things were settled in my soul and spirit long before the news of Ava's latest diagnosis was presented. 

We prayed for healing of Ava in the beginning when we received the diagnosis of dystonia. We stood on all the scriptures and promises for healing. Yet, every two to three years we would find out she was not healed of that diagnosis and in fact had more going on. It wasn't until 2015 when we received the genetic "disorder" diagnosis that God started working in me to understand His plans for and through Ava.  

I have written before about how God used a friend's baby with Spina Bifida to challenge my worldly view of "healthy" baby. That is a word that is defined on earthly terms. Yet I wrestled with how this precious baby who by all earthly standards was very sick and not "perfect" was knit in the womb that way. It's times like this that I have to stop and wrestle with what my earthly mind has reconciled with the Truth of the Word. In my early years, I would wrestle to make scriptures line up with my earthly circumstances. It wouldn't be until the last 7 or so years that I have learned to stop and make the earthly circumstances line up with the Truth of the Word. So when God said that this friend's precious baby was fearfully and wonderfully made as He knit her in her mother's womb (Psalm 119), I had to realize that Truth is either false, or it is true for every baby - let me stop here and add that there are things that happen in the womb due to a fallen world that greatly affect babies like drugs, alcohol, etc and those things are NOT from God and grieve Him as much as they grieve us! I also want to add that I do not know enough medically about Spina Bifida to know if it's genetic or not - it was just one of the first incidents that God used to challenge my earthly thinking against a heavenly principle!

When doctors suggested that we start genetic testing on Ava four years ago, it opened a whole new dilemma for me in my thinking with Ava. I have known from the beginning that Ava is precious and was sent by heaven with a special purpose. I mean, really ALL kids are! But I don't know that I was really aware of that in my youth when Ava was born. But even in my lack of seasoned knowledge, I felt it in my spirit with her. She was not planned by us! In fact, we had tried to "prevent" her - if you catch what I am throwing! ;) But God's plans cannot be thwarted by man - and thank God they can't! 

My pregnancy with Ava was a gift from the beginning! It would come in the middle of our failed adoption of Eden, and it was assurance that I took care of myself in what at the time was a season of grief like none I had ever experienced in my life! Depression could have easily overtaken me -except there was a life growing and forming inside me that only I could protect. THAT is what kept me going many of those days!

Ava was a perfect baby! She smiled easily and had that light you see in her now from day one! There was no doubt that she was fearfully and wonderfully made!! She was kind of the poster baby for Psalm 119! Even when doctors said something wasn't quite right, I knew she was perfect! What I didn't know was the lesson God was already teaching me. 

Ava was one of those kids who never needed much redirection. She was very compliant and only needed a semi-strong tone and a look of disapproval to stop any misbehavior - and even those mild corrections would break her heart. In our early years of parenting, we spanked as our go to consequence. But I never spanked Ava. I never had to. Her sweet spirit was there and shining from day one!

So how could it be that a thread in the knitting together of her will cause devastation? In our earthly terms, we call this a genetic disorder. Disorder is defined by Webster as "an abnormal physical or mental condition". Abnormal. In earthly terms, then Ava is abnormal - simply because our earthly definition of normal is to compare to each other. The majority defines normal, right? 

But scripture is clear that God compares us to no one! He creates each of us as individuals - carefully designed, uniquely gifted, and wonderfully made! Each characteristic, each gifting, each talent, each one is given to us for our purpose in God's kingdom during our time here on earth! With that as our standard, "abnormal" DOES NOT exist! By that standard - God's standard - Ava does not have a genetic disorder at all! She has a special gifting that God is using for His kingdom purposes! His ways are not our ways! His Word is clear that we with our human minds cannot fathom all He plans and purposes in His sovereignty. 

My standard is what God says. My Truth is settled in heaven. Ava's Truth is settled in heaven. Therefore, we do not believe that she has a disorder to be healed. We see God's love and glory shining in her daily in ways most Christians never allow. Her love of people, her carefree attitude, her determination - those are all on that same DNA that we in the world want to say is flawed simply because she will not follow a pattern this world has determined to be "normal".

I have been in study and prayer since God made clear praying for healing this side of heaven is not what we are to do. It is not a popular sentiment among Spirit Filled Believers. I get that. And I will never stop someone from praying for healing for her - I just don't believe it is in line with what God wills. Psalm 37 says it perfectly:

Keep trusting in the Lord and do what is right in his eyes.
    Fix your heart on the promises of God and you will be secure,    feasting on his faithfulness. Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life,    and he will provide for you what you desire the most.⁵ Give God the right to direct your life,
    you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly! He will appear as your righteousness,
    He will manifest as your justice,
    as sure and strong as the noonday sun.
Quiet your heart in his presence and pray;
    keep hope alive as you long for God to come through for you.





    and as you trust him along the way


    as sure as the dawning of a new day.

I firmly believe when we make God our utmost delight, He gives us His will to pray - and in that way, He can and will provide what we desire the most.

For Ava, I desire that she not suffer. I believe God desires that too! I desire that she not be afraid. I believe God desires that too! We don't pray for healing this side of heaven, but we do ask God to keep her whole. Honestly, my prayer is simply keep her the way she is now, or take her home! To not see the light in her eyes shining from her soul would be more devastating than telling her goodbye. I can say that because when the time comes, we will not mourn as those without hope! When she sees her Savior face-to-face, she will be rejoicing - no fear, no anxiety, no worries, no heart racing, no drooling - just dancing and rejoicing - two of her favorite things!! Why would I want to keep her from that?

I had been praying for a scripture to back up what I felt God was saying - that's a pretty good practice always! :) God will never tell you something that contradicts his Word! It was during a church service on brokenness that a dear woman who had lived with heart issues since birth and is now the recipient of a donor heart shared a verse I had read many times. But as so often happens with God's Word, it was new for me in light of our current journey. It is Luke 9:1-5

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

That is why we are not praying for healing for Ava - because we believe he has spoken very specifically that Ava is how she is to point others to Him! Jesus does go on to heal the blind man - and praise God if he decides to do that of Ava, but even if not, we know Ava's diagnosis is not evil. We know how she is made is from God - and He will be glorified in it no matter the outcome!

We have an army of people praying for Ava, and we are so grateful! Truly, the outpouring of love for Ava and our family has been a sustaining arm in this journey. 

We continue to ask God to use this journey to show His glory to those around us. Ava has done that her entire life! And we believe that is the purpose of this journey we are on! Not to pray healing over her, but to point others to God as we walk with her in her journey to His arms! And if along the way, God chooses to restore her to wholeness, we will rejoice and give Him all the glory for it!

An Amen to Remember

I have entered the world of the ink'd ones!

I have been contemplating getting a tattoo for awhile - but wasn't quite ready. But then I learned about starting with amen.

In two short months, John and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage! Because of what we both do professionally, and what our family looks like and stands for, we often are told how people admire us as a couple. I cringe inside just a tad when they do. I want to sit down with them over a cup of coffee and tell them our story.

Anyone who knows me, know transparency is something I strive for. But I also try to balance that with throwing my pearls before swine and constantly being a drama queen as our life has so much drama. And I also understand that my story intersects others' stories. I try to share of mine what I can without invading theirs.

For that reason, I have not shared much about John and my marriage. I hope some day soon we can share our entire testimony! It is a God story for sure! But for now, I am going to have to be a little vague. I know when being vague the mind wonders to the worst case scenario. So I want to say as I share without details that there has never been any type of affair in our marriage. We have struggled with some hard subjects and baggage, but never have either of us gone outside our marriage. I want that stated up front so those reading have that understanding going into it.

We have walked through so much the last eight years. Really our entire 20 years of marriage, but a lot of really hard stuff the last eight. I actually started listing some of it, and the list made this paragraph a novel - so I replaced it with hard. We will leave it at that.

Either one of us could have left, but we didn't. The stress that we walked through in our lives was enough to drive a wedge between any couple. At times it did. At times it made us cling to each other. But through it all there were some underlying issues that we have battled for 20 years. And I was tired.

I think probably it was my midlife crisis. For some reason 44 hit me hard. I did a lot of reflecting. I don't know if it was having a high school graduate. I don't know if it was finding myself getting settled into a home that I absolutely love on land that is my piece of heaven on earth. Or maybe it was just the first time in a few years where there was enough space to breath, and I realized I had a lot of regrets.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things in life that just left me wishing I had done something different. Self reflection is a good thing, I believe, as it helps you not repeat the mistakes of your past in your future. However, I also know the enemy can use self reflection to bring shame, anger, and bitterness back up to bite us in the ….well, you get the picture!

The only person I found myself truly angry with was me. Maybe that is because I learned a long time ago that the only person I can control is me. So as I reflected, I was mad at myself for not doing some things differently that would mean I was at a different place in some areas of my life - and my marriage was one of them.

I was also struggling with just the constant demands of my life - 8 children at home, two with some significant behavior issues, one with significant health issues (we had no idea at this point that Ava's was degenerative or terminal), and operating a ministry that found me constantly having to battle systems to get what was best for kids. My stress level was through the roof. I did not see any end in site. So I ran away.

I have written about that time before. I took a week and went on a work trip and then to help my parents pack. I did not tell anyone, but I was not sure when I returned if I was going to come back refreshed or resolute. I wasn't sure if I was coming home to work on my marriage or coming home to pack my bags.  I wasn't sure if I was really willing to work on my marriage anymore. I left seeking God's face and His voice. It was all I knew to cling to at that time. - not a bad place to place your grip by the way!

Over that week as I cried out to God He revealed much to me - about Him and about me! He promises that when we seek Him we will find Him. And find Him I did.

After all my whining, deliberating, justifying, surrendering, crying, and listening, God told me - make a choice and do it! You see I had said with my mouth I was committed and wanted to stay and fight, but in reality I had a crack in the door so that if things did not change, I could open it and walk out. God was asking me to shut the door - or to open it and walk out.

What I am about to say could be controversial. I am going to do my best to communicate it very clearly and theologically sound. So let me start by saying God hates divorce - let me pause to say there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! So if you are reading this and are divorced, do not let the enemy use this to place shame on your for divorce! I think you will understand as you continue to read - Truth is Truth. Malachi 2:16 says, "I hate divorce, says the Lord." Not much gray area there. He is not a fan of divorce.

However, as I wrestled with God that week, He assured me I had his permission to leave my marriage. Hang with me to the end - remember, I know God hates divorce!

My marriage had not been operating as God intended for many years - if ever really. Our marriage looked nothing like the one described in Ephesians 5. For my part, I would swing my pendulum from submissive (read door mat - not submissive in the Biblical definition) wife to demanding my needs be met. Neither of those are Biblical or work well in a marriage.

As I reflected on 20 years of marriage that has been full of heart ache and frustrations (on both of our parts), God told me I could leave. He would not stop me. I would walk out. HOWEVER - he was NOT blessing my leaving! You see there is a difference! There are many things of this world that breaks God's heart. And there are some things in my marriage that breaks God's heart. He shared my hurt with me in those things - so He understood my wanting to leave. Me leaving would be a sin. I had no Biblical reason for divorce. But many aspects of how our marriage was operating was also a sin. Any sin outside of denying Christ is forgivable. Me walking out was forgivable, however, like all sin, it would take me outside the blessing of God. That was enough to give me pause and make me want to consider my options a little more. But God was clear - I was to go home with my decision made  - trust Him and commit to my marriage no matter what or leave and face whatever that meant. But get off the fence! Make a decision and do it.

I had been to a conference earlier in the summer and heard a woman by the name of Beth Guckenberger speak.  She is a foster and adoptive mother, she and her husband had been missionaries in Mexico, and they worked in orphan care ministry. She told her story to point to God. I related to her in many ways. So I bought her book. I had taken it with me to read the week I was gone. The book is titled Start with Amen.

As I struggled through whether to commit to my marriage or commit to leaving, I read these words by Beth:


Amen is the verbal equivalent of hands raised. It can be translated as "So be it" or paraphrased as "It is as you say." It's more than our modern understanding of "uncle" or "I give up." It is surrender in a spirit of "It's up to you[God]; you [God] do it," and ""I made the promise, but only you [God] can fulfill it." So I whisper, You sell the house. You move her heart. You heal that body. You open the door. You  provide. You go before them. Amen. So be it. In your time. I trust. I surrender. Amen. 

And this one word reorients me, calibrating me with a God whose covenant he will never break. … 

That's what I'm looking for: a spiritual confidence that supersedes circumstances, a peace that passes understanding. 

As soon as I read those words, my soul cried out AMEN! So be it! I knew my decision was made. And I knew I would have to find a way to press in harder than ever before to God - to the heavenly perspective of life. I would have to lay down my desires. I would have to lay down my rights. I might even have to lay down a dream or two. But I shut the door. I made the decision that I would go back and pursue my marriage with all I had in me and all God is in me.

I looked into getting the tattoo even before coming home - but in the middle of summer with a new pool, I knew my kids would not be happy if I could not swim with them for three weeks - so I decided to come home with the commitment in my heart and the plan in my mind.

I told John about my week and all God had revealed. I told him I wanted to get the tattoo as a reminder that I am all in! It's kind of like my second wedding ring - it's a commitment to choose God over anything I "feel" in my marriage. It's a commitment to trust God with the outcome.

So tonight, I got my first ink! A permanent reminder to trust God and start my thoughts, prayers, and decisions about my marriage - and a lot of other things in life also!- with "so be it" then let God write the rest....

I Didn't Choose It

I have had several people lately mention in conversation that John and I chose this life. I don't know if it's arrogance wanting credit for all that we do in our home that few people understand or know, or if it's my frustration that more people are not "choosing" it, but the comment always rubs me the wrong way. So much so that the last time someone mentioned it, I actually stopped them and corrected them.

If by "choose" you mean we said yes when God asked us to jump, then I can agree we chose this life! But as a Christ follower who believes we have a different reality and set of rules than those who are not Christ followers, I've never really considered obedience to God a choice! I mean I have had my struggles where I didn't follow Him - I am a sinner in need of his grace DAILY if not HOURLY! But I have always been extremely convicted even when I didn't understand at all kingdom living on earth that doing what God asked me to do was the best choice for me. Galatians 5:13 puts it like this, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love." (NIV)

However, the way our "choice" usually comes up in conversation is when someone is talking about the stress we endure or the chaos we manage. That is the definition of choice that makes me want to scream from a rooftop - I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE!

John most recently said it best. When we took on the responsibility of being parents to 9 individual children-10 now if you count the 17 year old living with us this year - we did choose to take on the spiritual responsibility, the financial responsibility, the demands of raising these humans to adulthood and supporting them until death. However, when we said yes to a number of our children, we had NO IDEA what the future looked like!

Let me stop here and be very clear, this is not a post of regret about saying yes to ANY of my children!  I love each and every one of them! I know God placed them in my home, and I am honored and blessed to be their mom! There are no regrets to saying yes! This is not a post to get sympathy or 'at-a-boys' from anyone.  It's simply a post of awareness for those of us raising kids who have struggles we didn't know they would have. It's a post of education to what NOT to say to families who are struggling with behaviors rooted in what happened to children BEFORE they came into the family. It's a post to ask if this is a choice, then why are more not choosing it who say Jesus is their Lord?

Back to saying yes - I have a biological daughter who many would say I "chose" to birth - because many would have ended her life in utero due to her genetic malformation. Did I choose to give her life? You bet I did! Would I choose to do it again? One THOUSAND times INFINITY I would! Would I choose for my daughter to have a special needs child? NO!

Many of my kids came to me as babies - newborns. Just like with Ava, there was no way to know the future. I held perfect little babies! They met all their milestones, they grew and loved and attached and were just my babies. Did I choose to adopt a healthy baby who might have some learning disabilities because of choices their birth mothers made during pregnancy? Yes! Did I choose to have mental hospital stays? Did I choose to have daily trips to the school to calm a child wrecked by anxiety and unable to manage it well? Did I choose to bare scars from meltdowns that resulted in scratches? Did I choose to hear "you're not my mom" multiple times as children process their own loss and grief? NO!

Raising children with trauma, saying yes when God asked us, does not mean we chose the life you see us live today! It does mean that we are committed to parenting our children for a lifetime! It does mean that we trust God knew our today when we said yes yesterday - and we trust Him to hold our tomorrow! It does mean that we have to daily rely on Him to fill us up in order to just pour into our family - with the hope of one day being able to minister outside our family more.

So please, before you look at a family like ours - or anyone in a situation that may be more than they said "yes" to - and think we chose this, please reconsider! And while you are at it, would you consider a yes to a life that may be more than you bargained for? There are nearly 7,000 children in Texas who need someone to say yes to them for forever - and many more who need a temporary yes while their parents get their feet back on the ground! I can promise you it will be more than you thought you said yes to - but not all that "more" is a bad thing! We have more love, more grace, more laughing, and more compassion than I ever could have imagined raising in the family we would have had if we had not said yes!

the next FAITH Journey.....

So I knew God was asking us to take a step of faith when he asked us to move to a new house...and that's why I titled it "the next faith journey". What I didn't know was the measure of FAITH it was going to take to stay on the journey to the promised land and not just break free and run back to Egypt!

Yesterday at 5:00 we were told that the buyers of our house could not get their loan. I won't go into details to protect their privacy, but I will say that it was the poor actions of a lender that got us all at this point! These are amazing people with great credit...and a lender who didn't do his job!

But none the less, that left us without a buyer at 5:00 last night. When John told me, I was completely calm...a little startled, but no stress or anxiety or anger or sadness...just peace. Can I just tell you that is not me! When things fall apart like that, I jump to worse case scenarios and the "Really, God?! This is what your love looks like??" accusations! But this time I simply said, well that doesn't change what God has already said about the outcome. That house is ours! I spoke back all the things he had done along the way to confirm that we are supposed to move! There are MANY! Even yesterday....as I have already shared, our loan was slowed down because of our lender. But yesterday afternoon we got our clearance to close! God knew we would need a little hope, a little reminder that He is in the details no matter what else is going on!

I was introduced to Truth of living from Heaven to earth by an amazing woman of God who mentored me for almost 3 years. It is the Truths that I learned in my time with her as well as sermons and teachings out of Bethel Church in Redding that I know God is working in and through me right now. It is these truths that allow me to stand firm in what God has said...no matter the circumstances!

As I type this, our buyers do not have a loan. However, we are still planning to move on Thursday to our new house so our kids can start school. We can't start the remodel, so we will be camped out on mattresses! :) It's gonna be an adventure for sure! But we are not letting the enemy have any territory in this battle! God has said this is our promised land....and we are taking it! I told John yesterday as we processed the news, I can't imagine that the Israelites felt warm fuzzies as they saw the Egyptians closing in on them from one side and the Red Sea in front of them! I imagine there was some doubt and fear and anger in them as they looked at their circumstances. But with one command from God, the Red Sea parted and they were provided a way to their promised land and the defeat of their enemies all at once! I think that's where we stood yesterday...and still this morning. But I am facing the Red Sea just waiting for the dry ground to appear so we can run onto our land! Satan can eat my dust! ;)

God has already shown great favor and our buyers have their information with a lender that John knew. We should have an answer by this afternoon if this lender will approve them for the loan or not. This lender says there will be no problem closing in 2 to 3 weeks....another provision of the Lord. And even before we asked, the wonderful family we are buying the house from offered to let us move in and lease it for as long as we needed to so our kids could start school in their new school. Faithful. That is what my God is!

Why have we hit these bumps? I don't know. But I do know that through the bumps, I have found a new confidence in God's love for me! I have found a new confidence in my ability to ride the waves of the storm and not get seasick! I am truly thankful for the lessons.

None of this changes what God has said! It changes how we get there...and the logistics of it are still a little sketchy, but it doesn't change the outcome! Now, we continue to war through prayer and faith...and we wait for the earthly circumstances to line up with what we already know has been spoken in the heavenlies! I'll let you know just as soon as that sea parts!

The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....

Oh, the journey! I can't say that I am loving the journey at the moment, but I can say I am loving the peace that I am experiencing in the turmoil! :)

So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!

But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"

I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!

But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!

I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!

The Next Faith Journey: God's Provision

Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.

I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!

Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!

Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!

Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!

There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!

Hi, My name is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary....

Hi, my names is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary! So what that really means in my world is that I can dream great big huge dreams, but I have a really difficult time getting from here to there! If you need faith to believe something can happen, then I am your girl! If you need an action plan to get there, well, you're out of luck here.

I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.

We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.

While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly.  But this year I am trying a new thing.  If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!

Here are the links to her blog posts!

Smart Approach to Goal Setting

The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning

Did Mary wonder?

In my quite time this morning with the Lord, I found myself in Luke 2.  Kind of took me off guard...I mean we just read this chapter around Christmas, right?! But after verse 1, God was already downloading encouragement for some current situations I find myself in.

As I kept reading, I got to the part about no room in the inn.  Mary, the mother of Jesus for goodness sake, had to sleep in a stable! In keeping it real, can I just say if I was Mary, as the last Inn Keeper in Bethlehem revealed that he too was full and had no rooms for them, I would have more than likely stomped my foot and pointed my finger skyward at God and asked, "Really?! I am having YOUR Son, I have given up everything to do as You asked, and You can't even give me a room to sleep in? Do You not realize I am in labor and will most likely give birth to the Son of God in a stable?! Are You seriously not even going to give me a bed or a room to carry out what You have asked?!" I wish we knew if Mary had moments like that or not....but since we know Mary was a human (a very pregnant human I might add), I am assuming there were moments where she wondered.

As I read that and thought about some of my questions to God regarding some of my current circumstances, it brought me comfort to know that if Mary could birth the Son of God in a building meant to house animals, then I can push through some of the circumstances surrounding the things God has called me to do.  It brings a little more perspective to the areas of my life that just seem crazy. The areas where I am left wondering, "If God asked me to do this, why does it look like this?!" Mary's story gives me assurance that even when I find myself in a stable, I am in the center of God's will and call! Difficult circumstances are not an indicator of being on the wrong path, and neither are ideal circumstances an indicator of being on the right path.  In fact, I can testify that some of the most challenging of circumstances came when I was right in the middle of what I knew for a fact to be God's will!

So if you have been wondering why life looks like it does if God asked you to do this thing, can I encourage you this morning that if God can allow the woman He chose to birth His Son to do so in a stable, then maybe, just maybe He can ask you to do what you have been called to do in less than perfect conditions as well!

I Am Signficant

Any of you struggle with insignificance? Can I just tell you that is the number one weapon the enemy has used against me in just about every area of my life for my entire life! I had amazing parents, I was (and still am, by the way!) Daddy's little girl! By all accounts, I should not struggle with insignificance!  Can I tell you something else? The enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy us! He doesn't care what our past is, he only cares what will keep us out of the destiny God is calling us into!

Insignificance has plagued me as a teen who never thought she was good enough for the "in" crowd, to a young adult who was sure no man would ever want what she had to offer because she wasn't what men wanted in a wife.  And now as even a women sure and confident of her calling in life with the blessing of a job in that calling, I have been crippled by insignificance! God has given me dreams and visions for what Addy's Hope can be.  But immediately the enemy comes in with the thoughts, "you are the small agency! You can't do that!"  "You don't have the right degree, the right experience, the right __________ to do that! Just go back to your little corner and take your place among the insignificant people!" And so I would go, head down, tail between my legs, back to my corner all the time telling God why it is I am not enough or don't have enough to do what He has clearly said I should do.

Well, a couple of weeks ago something in me clicked.  I am really not sure what it was.  I don't really even know the exact moment it happened, but at some point the woman inside of me that knows who God made her to be stepped up to the microphone and told those other voices to Shut. Up.

In the last couple of weeks, I have taken steps toward the dreams and visions God has given me for the agency.  I have taken them scared in many cases!  But I have taken them! When I have heard God say, "go here" I have started walking.  He hasn't shown me the destination in most of these circumstances, but I have taken some steps, and I trust that He will show me the next step once this step has come to the end.

Can I tell you something else? I. Like.This. Woman!  I think I want her to stick around awhile!  She tells those voices that say she can't to bow to The Voice that says He made me to do it! Not only CAN I do it, but I WILL do it! When fear starts to creep in she says, "You are welcome to come along for the ride, but you Will. Not. stop me!" When I have taken a step and almost immediately been hit by a circumstance that threatens to knock me off that step into the abyss of doubt and confusion, God has been so faithful to whisper, "But what do I say? You operate in My kingdom!" And I find myself still walking...looking back at that corner I used to return to and realizing the walls have moved and that corner is getting further, and further, and further behind me!

I think there are so many women out there listening to the voices that are sending them back to the corner!  I believe God is doing a work in His daughters! He is calling us out of the corners and into the destiny He has called us to!  We live in a world full of hopeless circumstance, and inside of us, His precious daughters, are the answers to these problems and crisis! It's time we start believing the Truth He speaks about us over the lies we so easily believe! We are clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25)! We laugh without fear of the future! What do you say? Will you look for that woman in you that God made you to be? I think if you will stop the lies long enough to get to know her, you will really like her.....and she will stick around leading you into a strength, joy and peace you have never known!  If I can steal a line from a movie that dates me and may not show the best moral compass...It's time we get out of our corners, cause no one puts (insert your name) in a corner! Let's dance this final number with our God who wants to show up and show out with his daughters!! Whose with me?!

Holding Onto Hope

This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts!  So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!

The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances.  Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.

There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all!  This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled.  So why the dark days?

I don't have a definite answer.  I can't explain it totally.  All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me.  For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy.  But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath.  There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day.  There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed.  I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season.  This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.

So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ?  I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me!  The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand!  The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us.  And he will not let go of that easily!  I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!

This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances.  For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay.  It took us four months, but we finally had a plan.  It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan.  Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids.  I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!"  How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?!  And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again.  Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart.  And we were back to square one!  We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill.  I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!

I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards!  It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands.  I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!

The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest.  I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!

But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!"  "What do you really believe?!"  And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good!  I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need!  I do have  core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me!  But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!

I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE!  Others of us are facing these dark days also.  The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering.  It's a lie from the pit of hell!  You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us!  Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality!  That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too.  But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true.  What He says about me and my life is my reality!  I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven!  I am not there yet!  But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on!  And I want to encourage you to hold on too!  Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!

You might ask why do we have to go through this?  Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known!  I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth!  We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us!  And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment.  He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!

So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on!  I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years!  Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!

What a Year!

This week we celebrated our one year anniversary in our new home, our new life....in our promised land.  If I had to describe it in one word - SURVIVAL.

And like never before I can relate to the Israelites who after being freed from slavery in Egypt, questioned whether they should have just remained in bondage versus facing the hardships and trials that their new adventure to the Promised Land brought them.

One year ago, I loaded up the van with the four oldest kids living with us and headed six hours away from my husband, my four babies, the majority of my belongings, my home I loved, my new kitchen God had given me, and every person we knew and both sets of our parents which meant all of our support system! But I was excited!  I remember coming up on Sweetwater where there are hundreds of windmills, the new kind that are enormous and white.  However it was dark, so you couldn't see the windmills, you could only see the red lights at the tops of them all blinking.  It was a sea of red blinking lights.  I had an excitement and anticipation swell up in my spirit as I felt God impress on me that the possibilities for all that I longed for were waiting in our new season in our new home and that they were as endless as the red blinking lights on the horizon.

But it took less than 12 hours for those possibilities to begin to seem few and far out of reach! We arrived at 1 am the morning of the first day of school.  I woke up very sleepy and exhausted kids just a few hours later to head to their first day of school in all new schools. We took first day of school pictures in front of the hotel fountain! Not everyone can say that, right?!

 Small town chick had come to big city and didn't have a clue where she was or what she was getting into with traffic that morning.  The elementary kids were 30 minutes late for their first day of school....and it pretty well went like that for the next few months!

We had just taken possession of the house...our stuff and the rest of the family wasn't here yet, but we took a picture on the staircase! I was so excited....then the moving van arrived with all the boxes!

In this year we not only moved away from all friends, family and support, but we encountered some of the biggest trials of our lives.  This year brought the news that our oldest daughter who we left behind in less than great circumstances had been badly beaten up by her boyfriend, and grand-baby number three had been conceived.  We went through two months of making two house payments that consumed over half our paycheck, we fought a custody battle for our two oldest grand babies, watched as our daughter signed termination of rights, started the process to adopt, saw the largest growth in Addy's Hope in five years meaning I would have to travel back to West Texas at least once a month, walked one child through severe morning and anger over our move, and then all the things any move means - new doctors, new child care, new church, endless boxes, redecorating, new paint, and it goes on and on! And beautiful baby number 3 made his debut in this world!

John's first day at work here was just three days after we moved into the house.  It was about noon that day that I realized I had not been left alone with all four of the babies since we had taken custody of the grands.  John had resigned his position to accept his new one just a few days after we had gotten custody of them.  With the transition happening and needing to take time off to not lose it, he was home during most of the time we were packing to move.  I stood in a house FULL of boxes with four children ages three and under wondering how I would ever get unpacked and have any sort of structure to life ever again!

It would be the fist of many times that circumstances would overwhelm me to the point that I would just sit down and cry.  It was all I could do.  In those moments, I became like a grumbling Israelite! It didn't matter what God has for me in the Promised Land, I couldn't see any of it because the circumstances were like the giants that already inhabited my land, and I saw no way around them.  I would have gone back to Midland in a heart beat if it had at all been possible.  None of the promises God had given about the move, none of the potential or possibilities mattered.  I was so overcome by what I saw that faith had no place.  I remember reading about the Israelites and wondering how they could see God do all He had done for them and still grumble.  I don't wonder anymore.  God's hand was all over our move, His hand was all over so many things over the past year, but it didn't matter.  I was still completely and totally overcome with the circumstances of my life.

This year has truly been one of SURVIVAL.  It has been a year of prayers like "God, give me enough strength to get out of bed. God, give me enough energy to make it to when John gets home and there will be another set of hands to change diapers and make sippee cups."  But as I look back over this year, another word comes to mind INTIMACY.  In my need to survive, I pressed into the throne of God like never before.  In my need to just make it one more step on many days, I learned to cry out however many times a day I needed to in order to just make it.  I learned to seek God above all else - because in my moments with Him were when the peace would come.  My moments with Him were when the voices of doubt, fear and insecurity would be silenced....even if for just a few minutes.

And now, 12 months later, there are still many overwhelming circumstances.  But that too has been a lesson of this move....once again learning to live from Heaven to Earth, not looking at circumstances but standing on the promises of God and holding fast to them until circumstance bow a knee and line up with the promises! I have learned to hold to the promises of God found in scripture like never before! I have truly learned what it is for his Word to by my very breath as it is all that kept me breathing!  I no longer ask John to take me back.  I still miss friends and family so badly it physically hurts at times, but as I go back to West Texas, each month, it feels less and less like "home".  Each trip God shows me something else to be thankful for in our move.

But probably the most valuable lesson of the last year is God is faithful!  Even when I don't deserve it, even when I doubt, even when I am whining and complaining, He is still faithful!  I have come to a place  in my spiritual journey where even through the pain of "feeling" deserted, I could still say God is good.  I could still say He is faithful even if I don't see it yet.  Trials that would have left me doubting God's existence - and at times did leave me questioning Him for a moment - were now faced with a belief and stance that no matter what life looks like, I will not waiver in my belief that God is good and He is faithful! He met me right where I was so many times this year with a scripture, praise song or text from an old friend.  He was my everything when it felt like I had nothing.

I know that this season has brought endurance...a trait that I truly struggle with! And just as he has the past 12 months, as I woke me up at 4 and was unable to sleep thinking of all that needed to be done, the first scripture I see is James 1:3 NLT "For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."  And this morning, as I reflect on the past year, I am thankful!  I am thankful that my endurance has had a chance to grow!  And I am thankful to be able to once again testify that God is faithful, meets you right where you are and stays true to His promises!

And I look forward to the next 12 months.....I am moving into the Promised Land, giants and all!  I am determined to gain all that is mine and not allow the enemy to steal any of it!

For Such a Time as This

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I have found myself once again in the middle of a battle with government and bureaucracy for the welfare of children.  Only this time, it's local!

It took almost two years to secure our contract with DFPS to place waiting children in adoptive homes.  When I first started the process, even the DFPS contract managers told me it would be a difficult and life-draining process.  They were right.  But we knew God had revealed to us the orphan crisis in our own backyard for us to make a difference....not to just walk away and pretend like we didn't know.  So I pressed on.  We placed our first waiting children in an adoptive home in December, and they finalized last month.  If all that work was done for just those two kids...it would be worth it...because every child deserves a home! But there are 13,000+ still waiting.

That's why when I was made aware of a sibling group of four kids who have had parent rights terminated for over a year with NOTHING done according to policy of CPS to try to find an adoptive home, I jumped to action.  Initially just because we had an adoptive home that was open to looking at the possibility of adopting them.  There is so much more to their story and the travesty of it, but that will have to be a post for another time! My efforts to find them a home were met with a huge brick wall!  Texas is undergoing a foster care redesign and evidently sometime between February when I was told adoption wasn't part of it and June when I am trying to find a home for children whom the system has failed for a year now, adoption became part of it.  The details are appalling and make it obvious that the issue is money and not welfare of children, but that too is a post for another day also.

I spent the better part of the next two days on the phone with officials trying to explain the issue that would severely limit the availability of adoptive homes for the 13,000+ children who are waiting.  On July 3, I found myself on a phone call with a foster care redesign attorney with DFPS and a couple of other people.  It became obvious that this was not going to be an issue easily fixed.  I was defeated.  I was left wondering where God was in all of it! I knew He had called me to this work with waiting children of Texas.  It's my passion, it's become the focus of my life's calling to care for the orphan.  But I truly didn't think I could fight not one more battle in the war for these kids.  I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent with the demands of that battle, the cases I still had to work with Addy's Hope, and the job to be wife to John and mom to 9.  I leaned over my kitchen counter and just sobbed!

"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul!  I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events.  What are you asking me to do now?  What more do you want from me?

I knew I had to have a break at the very least.  So I determined to not work for the 4th of July weekend and take that time to enjoy my family.  I spent most of that weekend trying to figure out how to shut Addy's Hope down.  I truly didn't know how I could continue to work passionately for children to keep hitting government bureaucracy that stood between them and forever families.  It was one thing to deal with that in a third world country half way around the world, but to once again be face to face with this monster in my own country, in my own state in a "civilized" society was more then I felt I could continue to battle. But come Monday morning, God was waiting for me when I got still and started my quiet time with Him.

I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37.  I had turned there that morning.  I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37.  As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away.  The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality.  He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him!  As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation!  He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned.  He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life.  He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation.  Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him.  He gave me a choice.

We always have a choice.  I know that.  We can choose life, or we can choose death.  We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin.  But this time was not like that.  This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision.  He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take.  He told me it would be hard,  it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it.  It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke.  It was truly a choice.  I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario.  God was telling me this is truly a choice.  However, there were some "buts" to that choice.  It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this.  It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place.  So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment.  It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for!  But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it.  Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?"  He assured me the battle would be won.  He had already declared it in the heavenlies.  However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle.  In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior.  Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible.  Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities!  And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath."  (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)

And with that, I had a decision to make.....

It will be enough.....

Can anyone out there relate to weariness?  I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before.  I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level!  John and I were talking the other day.  I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary.  Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.

I am doing all I know to do.  I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head.  So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!

I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture.  Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again.  There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.

So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear.  I have been trying to gear up.  Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week.  So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him.  I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.

I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges.  And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6".  So I turn there and start reading.  God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!

As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story.  One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story.  There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian."  I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day!  But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for?  But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes?  But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?

Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed.  Yes, failed.  At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes.  If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it!  I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey.  I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me?  But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way.  It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home.  It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up.  It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes.  But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God.  He taught me a little each time about faith and trust.  He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took.  And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!

So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.

And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered.  After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning.  The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning.  It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand.  Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired.  God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head.  And this morning He let me know, that's enough!  Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!

What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated?  Can I encourage you to face today with what you have?  Do it tired.  Do it afraid.  Do it broke.  Do it depressed.  Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!

The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago

One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives.  Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....

We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born.  We were trying to preserve relationship.  We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything.  We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically.  We knew he was a lost soul.  We knew he was doing what he had known to do.  We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives.  After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her.  We had come to some agreements.  One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.

It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings.  It is the boyfriend.  They are in a fight.  He is telling me to come get her and the children.  She wouldn't leave.  I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning.  If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves.  After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed.  Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God.  We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.

It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child.  We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways.  However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part.  There was also much emotional healing that had to occur.  We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.

As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man.  John left the room to make phone calls.  We called two local missions.  One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers.  It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed.  The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be.  This is a mission that usually has a waiting list!  But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open!  However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days.  Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place.  And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.

But then the call came.  Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call.  Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call.  John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back.  She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand.  I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next.  John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3.  She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody.  We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.

Rewind to the night before.  It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold.  Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids.  We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding.  This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again.  Surely that can't be what we are to do?!  We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring.  And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection.  I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did.  There are two ways for that to happen.  You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her.  Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!"  I said I would never raise my grand children.  I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either.  I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have  break.  But that decision was out of my hands.

John hangs up the phone and tells me the news.  What do we want to do?  We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do.  We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody.  We agreed this was what God was asking us to do.  We had no answers.  We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from.  All we knew was God said, go get your babies.  And we did.

My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend.  He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him.  He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies.  She nods and he starts up again.

An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned.  My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers.  We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there.  Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies.  And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect.  We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old.  He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight.  Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother.  Now she didn't have her.  She didn't want to be consoled.  She didn't know how to be consoled.  She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth.  She would scream, but wouldn't let us console.  She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.

I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived.  I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path.  I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these.  We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us.  There are days I think we will never make it.  But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged.  It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from!  And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.

So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat.  As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :)  ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him.  I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem!  I know that we are redeeming a generation!  I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.

And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels!  I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!