Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.
I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!
Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!
Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!
Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!
There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!
Showing posts with label belief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label belief. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....
You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...
That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.
Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?! Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.
So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome, I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!
As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!
So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!
Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push" her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!
For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!
That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.
Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?! Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.
So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome, I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!
As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!
So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!
Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push" her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!
For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!
Monday, October 13, 2014
Holding Onto Hope
This is going to be one of those in the middle of the battle transparent posts! So you have been warned if you want to continue reading!
The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances. Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.
There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all! This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled. So why the dark days?
I don't have a definite answer. I can't explain it totally. All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me. For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy. But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath. There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day. There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed. I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season. This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.
So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ? I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me! The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand! The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us. And he will not let go of that easily! I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!
This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances. For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay. It took us four months, but we finally had a plan. It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan. Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids. I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!" How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?! And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again. Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart. And we were back to square one! We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill. I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!
I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards! It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands. I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!
The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest. I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!
But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!" "What do you really believe?!" And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good! I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need! I do have core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me! But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!
I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE! Others of us are facing these dark days also. The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering. It's a lie from the pit of hell! You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality! That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too. But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true. What He says about me and my life is my reality! I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven! I am not there yet! But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on! And I want to encourage you to hold on too! Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!
You might ask why do we have to go through this? Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known! I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth! We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us! And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment. He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!
So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on! I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years! Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!
The last three weeks have presented some of the darkest days of my life! Even saying that seems a bit silly since the last ten years have brought some heartbreaking circumstances. Yet, those circumstances did not bring the dark night of the soul or a dread of hopelessness like I have felt over the last few weeks.
There is no event or trigger that I can say brought on these dark days. In fact, this is a time when I believe that strongholds that have been in my life and in the lives of those closest to me are about to be broken once and for all! This is a time when I believe promises that God gave to me years ago will be fulfilled. So why the dark days?
I don't have a definite answer. I can't explain it totally. All I know is that I have felt on many days like the enemy has literally been trying to kill me. For anyone who has not "been there", I realize that sounds absurd and a bit crazy. But for those who have "been there", you will understand that feeling exactly! There were days that I could not even take a deep breath. There were days that I had to pray and quote scripture through each day just to put one foot in front of the other and fulfill the tasks for that day. There were days I literally did not think I would make it until time that I could lay my head down on my bed. I have battled spiritual depression at times in my life, and I have battled chemical depression that required medication for a season. This has not been like any of those! It has been a darkness of a different level.
So why am I writing about this? It's definitely not feeling like a warm and fuzzy, encouragement to the Body, is it ? I am writing because I believe there are other Christ followers out there who the enemy is pursuing with the same fervor he is pursuing me! The time for Christians to impact the world is at hand! The enemy knows that when we fully understand who we are in Christ, he will have no authority over us. And he will not let go of that easily! I have had moments of doubt of everything I know or ever believed about God during these dark days!
This has been a time when even answered prayers didn't seem to change circumstances. For example, we needed childcare for the four youngest that wouldn't require every penny of my salary to pay. It took us four months, but we finally had a plan. It was more money than we had been spending, but it was a plan. Two weeks into that plan (remember it took us four months!), one of the pieces fell apart and we were back to square one for two of the kids. I shook my fist at God and asked "WHY?!" How did He expect me to do this job He has called me to when I don't have childcare?! And how did He expect me to pay for childcare for four children on the salary He has given me?! Within a few days, He provided an answer and we had childcare set again. Literally two weeks later, the other original piece of childcare fell apart. And we were back to square one! We have found a place for them all to go yet again, but our budget is $300 short of fulfilling the new childcare bill. I'll have to let you know how He provides for that because as of right now, I am still believing by faith the provision will be there!
I share that to show that during this dark time it has seemed that even answers to prayer to fix circumstances have ended up just being two steps backwards! It has felt like there is literally no way out of the pit of my circumstances! There is not enough time to get everyone where they need to be. There are not enough hours in the day to do all my job demands. I would think I was doing great one day, then dinner time would come; and I would realize I hadn't planned ahead and there was nothing for dinner other than hop pockets....and of course no money to eat out!
The troubles of this season have felt as if they have had their hands around my neck squeezing the very breath out of my heavy chest. I have cried out to God for His help, I have begged for His presence as it was only in those times that I felt His tangible presence that I could breathe! I have begged for the mountains that stood in the way of what I know He has asked me to do to be thrown into the sea. Yet even in the moments when a mountain would move, there seemed to be one right behind it still blocking the path! I have questioned my calling, my giftings, my identity, my value, my faith, my belief and my abilities!
But through it all, there has been this small voice constantly whispering, "What do you know about me?!" "What do you really believe?!" And in those moments, I choose to take my eyes of circumstances even if for a second and confirm that somewhere beneath the chaos, the doubt, the overwhelming circumstances, I do have a core belief that God is good! I do have a core belief that He loves me and will provide my every need! I do have core belief that my present trouble is worth whatever is needed to bring about the coming glory for Him! And that is how I have kept holding onto hope! Most days I have only held on by my fingernails as they left ridges on the cliff where I slowly slid down toward the pit of despair that threatened to engulf me! But before I ever hit that pit, a glimmer of light from somewhere or someone would pull me back up just before my feet hit the miry clay!
I know there are others out there today whose circumstances are threatening to destroy all faith and hope you have! I want to encourage you that first, you are NOT ALONE! Others of us are facing these dark days also. The enemy wants you to think that God has forgotten you and that you are the only one suffering. It's a lie from the pit of hell! You are not alone! God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us! Second, know that your circumstances are not your reality! That's hard for me to hear and believe right now too. But God has taught me enough in the past two years that I know it's true. What He says about me and my life is my reality! I just have to hold on, keep praying, keep speaking those things that are not as though they are until His will comes to earth and invades my circumstances just like it is in heaven! I am not there yet! But I have just enough hope and belief that it WILL happen and that God will NOT leave me in this dark place, that I hold on! And I want to encourage you to hold on too! Find someone who has the faith to stand with you! Ask them to pray with you!
You might ask why do we have to go through this? Well, I believe it is because we are on the verge of break through and victory like we have never known! I believe the enemy is trying to take us down before we get to experience the goodness and faithfulness of God in a way we have never before known and will forever change who we are on this earth! We will know a new and deeper level of intimacy with our Creator that will make us a force for impact on the hurting world around us! And I also believe that is why God allows this darkness for a moment. He is about to show himself strong, mighty and faithful in a way we have never seen!
So if you find yourself holding onto hope by only your fingertips, please hold on! I firmly believe there are areas where our faith is about to be made sight in areas that you have been believing for years! Don't stop right before the victory! Hang on with me!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
It will be enough.....
Can anyone out there relate to weariness? I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before. I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level! John and I were talking the other day. I know the joy of the Lord is my strength. I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary. Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Move: Living from Heaven to Earth
We are moving! John has accepted a position with the education service center in Fort Worth, and hopefully we will be in our new home by the end of this month. For that to happen we need a seller to accept our offer on a house in Fort Worth, and we need our house to sell quickly. We are calling those things down out of heaven just like we have every step of this process! And that is what is so amazing about this move...the process! It has opened a totally new level of spiritual maturity for John and I, and we will never do life the same way again! This is what I mean....
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Was it God?
I have heard many comments lately that have raised the proverbial hair on the back of my neck. It it's one thing I have wrestled with through our failed adoptions and some personal struggles it is free will versus God's will and handling disappointments. There was a time that spans many years where I could not tell you a personal story of victory and happy ending after a leap of faith. We had taken some pretty big ones, and they all had endings far from what I had hoped. Disappointment. There are posts on this blog during those times. Even if I don't come right out and say it...you can read the disappointment between the lines.
My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it! I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was. I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned. I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that. My experience was not lining up with truth.
When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"! Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong. And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell! It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.
When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:
My immediate reaction to those disappointments was much the same as what I see in other people as they struggle through disappointments in their lives...God, where are you?! Those of us who have been in church most of our lives can easily quote Deuteronomy 31:6 " Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" But the truth is during those times of disappointment early in my walk in relationship with God, I didn't believe it! I would cry out to God with that same verse asking where He was. I wanted so badly to believe He was beside me, but honestly, I felt alone and abandoned. I had head knowledge....I wanted to believe what God's Word said, but my circumstances just didn't speak to that. My experience was not lining up with truth.
When that happens, our immediate human nature response is to throw out "truth"! Our experiences must be what is accurate in our human, world-based mind, so we come to the conclusion that the "truth" has to be wrong. And that is the biggest lie from the pit of hell! It is exactly what the enemy wants us to believe. Because when we begin to believe that our experience trumps truth, we start to doubt God. If satan can start us on the path of doubting God, he can unravel just about any part of our faith and our testimony.
When we face disappointments, and view them through our flesh, through our experience, through our circumstance we are left with three conclusions:
- I didn't hear God right in the first place
- God is not trust worthy
- God doesn't really exist
Can I be honest? I have entertained all three of those conclusions at times of disappointment in my life. After I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, number 3 was my conclusion. I was ready to walk away from God. I was so close to the line of denouncing God and going about my days living life for what felt good and right to the senses, to doing what made me "happy"! But that is why God says we are to live by faith and not by sight! I praise God that in that exact time, I was reading Captivating. I had amazing people in my life to speak truth during that time right after I returned without my daughter. But I wouldn't talk to them. I knew what they would say, and frankly, I didn't want to hear it! But for some reason, I kept reading this book which is evidence that God will use whatever He can to reach us in our time of despair and need! In Captivating, the author speaks of a woman who is so at ease with herself because she finds her strength and identity in the Lord that women are at ease with themselves in her presence. I don't remember the exact wording, but it spoke of being able to "breath" in this woman's presence because there was room to breath based on her ability to rest in God. I didn't know about all the God parts of that woman, but I knew deep down, throwing out all morals, all laws, all boundaries, the thing I wanted more than anything else in life was to be that woman! As soon as that thought came over me, a still small voice said, "And how do you think you will be that woman without me?" And that began my journey back to God.
The next steps of faith were harder to take as I didn't want to experience disappointment. I struggled for almost a decade with how to handle when walking by faith didn't produce anything I thought I would see! But God was so faithful to continue to write and perfect my faith through calling me to acts that would test my ability to trust Him. To be able to handle disappointment and not turn all the emotions of that disappointment into disappointment in God.
I was watching the Bethel sermon from last Sunday, March 17, 2013. If you are struggling through any disappointments, I would highly encourage you to watch it! And Bill Johnson said, "God's ability to redeem hellish situations is so profound, the Church has jumped to conclusions assuming God designed the hellish situation....We must distinguish between what God approved, what he ordained, and what the enemy meant for evil." That is profound people! Until we can do that, we will never fully trust God. Until we can do this, the enemy will always taunt us with questions of whether God is truly good or whether we can truly trust God. Until you have walked through horrible situations and can say without a doubt God is good and can be trusted, the enemy will call those truths into question in your mind. Bill goes on to say that death, loss and destruction are the enemy's fingerprints. God can absolutely, and he does in amazing ways, use those circumstances to draw people to Him or to transform His people, but they are not from him!
One of the statements that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck this past week was about adoptions situations and when they don't go as we plan. The statement pretty well said just accept it. It was God's will. I just wanted to scream, "NO! IT'S NOT!" God is a God of restoration, healing, life! Anything that is death, destruction and loss is from the enemy! Does God allow those things, yes! Will I ever understand why He allows them? Not fully...His ways are not mine...or yours! But when we fall into the thinking that those events, those circumstances that bring death, loss and destruction were His ordained will, we have created god who is not to be trusted. We create a god who is not love. We create a god who is not faithful. And that is not the God I serve!
It has taken me nearly 10 years to be able to write this post with confidence and absolute belief! Meaning, I know in my core, I have experienced in my inner being that even when things don't go as planned, God is good! God is trustworthy! God is faithful! I could quote the scripture before, but it was just empty words....now those words are supported with belief and "knowing"! It took "losing" another daughter to get to that point.
To be continued.....
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
More of You, No Matter the Cost!
I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one! Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words. Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life. Events that would bring a first for me. You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?" Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday! Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me. I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow. And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time! If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant! It is on their behalf that I will fight this! I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!" Putting feet to that in this situation.
Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness. The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do. I know the enemy is out to get my ministry. It is evident. As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there. I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time. Google my name. You will find a news article that says I trafficked children. That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight! Working internationally and accused of child trafficking. Working domestically, and now this. It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this? You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you. Nothing came of that! You almost laugh at it now. You will do the same of this situation!" It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life. I'm not special! He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too! And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.
I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week. He spoke right to my soul! He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking. The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On". Google it and listen to it, but beware! It is life changing! God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost! When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row. It's an amazing testimony!
Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened! Every area of my identity has been rocked! The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it? Do you really mean whatever the cost?" And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it! More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:
"Doesn't matter what it costs. I died to that a long time ago. I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for. I was summoned. I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name. I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."
Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him. Nothing could be further from the truth! He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him. In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most. It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me! Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace. I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances. I have learned to not be led by emotions. I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me. I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have. I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him! To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!
And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!
Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness. The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do. I know the enemy is out to get my ministry. It is evident. As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there. I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time. Google my name. You will find a news article that says I trafficked children. That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight! Working internationally and accused of child trafficking. Working domestically, and now this. It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this? You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you. Nothing came of that! You almost laugh at it now. You will do the same of this situation!" It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life. I'm not special! He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too! And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.
I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week. He spoke right to my soul! He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking. The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On". Google it and listen to it, but beware! It is life changing! God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost! When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row. It's an amazing testimony!
Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened! Every area of my identity has been rocked! The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it? Do you really mean whatever the cost?" And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it! More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:
"Doesn't matter what it costs. I died to that a long time ago. I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for. I was summoned. I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name. I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."
Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him. Nothing could be further from the truth! He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him. In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most. It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me! Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace. I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances. I have learned to not be led by emotions. I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me. I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have. I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him! To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!
And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
When you have done all else....STAND
We are one week and 6 days into life without our oldest daughter. Honestly, I'm not sure even still what life should look like. John and I talked about it last night. We have to face the heart wrenching possibility that she will never reconcile to our family. We only had her a year and a half. She may decide to find her "family" somewhere else. Circumstances right now would say that is the case. Where she has chosen to place herself is a toxic environment - physically, emotionally and most of all spiritually. Family and friends ask us, "What now?"
God has given me Ephesians 6:13 twice in the last few days "and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]." That's what now! We have just begun attending a new church - a post for a later time - and our new pastor's wife, Tonya, handed me a piece of paper with a couple of scriptures on it Sunday. This was one of them. And with it, she had written the Greek for withstand - "anthistemi - to cause to stand; suggests vigorously opposing, bravely resisting, standing face-to-face against an adversary, standing our ground...with the authority and spiritual weapons granted us we can withstand evil forces." That is what now! I will stand against the devil himself for my daughter! I will fight for her until my last breath! It's what a mother does!
Now before you put me on some sort of spiritual pedestal, understand that the last few days have not been all that great. In fact, last night, I lost it and sobbed shaking the bed enough to wake the dead - aka John when he sleeps! I haven't been able to spend as much time in the Word with school starting, so the lies of the enemy began creeping in. My thoughts wondered to places that had me focusing on circumstances and not Truth. I have had my moments of despair where I wondered if my heart could ever forgive someone who walked out on me and made the accusations she has made that caused us - and our other children - to walk through circumstances I would never in a million years have dreamed I would find myself. But as God tends to do in my mothering of all my children, He keeps bringing the correlation between my daughter and myself to my God and me.
I meet with an amazing woman of God each week. The Truth and wisdom she has been imparting to me over the last year is honestly the only reason I can stand under the weight of what is going on in my family right now at all. She has taught me the Truth of the Secret Place in Psalm 91 and of how we soar on wings like eagles without growing weary or fainting. She has taught me how to be hidden with Christ! I am so thankful. We started a new book this week. And it came with a disclaimer from Becky. She warned us that we are entering enemy territory because we are about to upset his apple-cart with what we will learn in this book. My answer....BRING IT ON!!!! I couldn't even get past the intro without having to stop and process. It is good stuff! And it has made me reflect on the past year and a half with Paizley.
The book is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard. Here is one of the nuggets that got me to thinking: "The problem is this: even scripturally correct truth cannot always penetrate a soul that is filled with stronghold thinking....He does not change, bypass, or override our memories and beliefs; He just keeps offering His love and truth until we finally become willing to exchange our old beliefs and old ideas for them." Wow! I don't think I could sum up the past year and a half with any better words. In my weakness I take the rejection personally, but when I am standing in faith and trust in God, I see that this whole thing has little to do with me and a LOT to do with a battle over a soul!
God gave me some scriptures for Paizley over a year ago. If I reacted the way my old self would have - like my old self of about 10 months ago - I would be shaking my finger at God and asking why?! But I am walking in a new lever of trust, faith and understanding of the character of my God! I know that the path my daughter has chosen is not the path God would have chosen for her. Just like I walk on paths at times that God would not choose for me. The fact is, when we do that, we are outside God's perfect will. His Word is clear that He will not force Himself nor His will on anyone! We are free to choose! Liberty Savard says it this way, "This partial verse [1 John 3:8 The reason the Son of God was made manifest (visible) was to undo (destroy, loosen, and dissolve) the works the devil has done] tells us that the reason the Son of God appeared on Earth was to destroy the devil's works - to loosen and dissolve them - and He will provide what we need to do the same thing. This is God's will, but your will has to make a choice to call your life on Earth into alignment and agreement with God's will in Heaven. God will not force you to do so, but He will help you." (emphasis mine)
So many times Christians become disheartened, and I have done the same thing, because something God gave us to pray for didn't happen. For me, this has always in the past put me on a downward spiral to doubt and unbelief. But now I understand many times when the outcome is not favorable, it is because a free will was exerted. It is important of me, and I think all of us, to understand this so that I don't become disappointed or disheartened with God over the outcomes of circumstances and situations that involve humans!
Now, God doesn't teach me lessons like this to sit in judgement! He teaches me lessons like this to put the magnifying glass on myself! You don't watch a child walk away from your family without lots of self-reflection! At least, I don't see how you could. As I watch my daughter walk away, I am challenged to ask what I have walked away from? What has God wanted to teach me that I have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to? What plan has God had for me that I let circumstances or feelings dictate the path I took instead of standing on Truth!
There are a couple of circumstances in my life right now that are threatened by feelings and sight to cause me to give up. No one in their right mind would advise me to push forward if I laid out the pro/con list or spelled out the details. But here's the deal, when we live according to Biblical prinicples, we are not in our "right mind" - we are in the "Mind of Christ"! And that operates according to rules and order that we don't understand here on earth! Doubt me? Jesus was born to a virgin. Jesus raised Lazerath from the dead and then raised himself from the dead. Jesus fed 5,000+ with a few loaves and fish. When society gave up on a woman, he went to the well to meet her one-on-one and spoke life. Peter walked on water - at least until he took his eyes off Jesus. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and spit back up. And I lived through a child walking out my door with my granddaughter!
So if you are facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable or God has called you to what appears to be the impossible, let me encourage you! Another scripture that has come up multiple times in different ways this week is Matthew 17 "Then the disciples came to Jesus and asked privately, Why could we not drive it out? 20 He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of [h]firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [[i]that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." NOTHING! That word does not leave room for argument - with faith, no thing is impossible for you! And when you've done all else, stand! Then watch the enemy run! James 4:7 I pray you see your mountain start to shake today as you stand in faith and say to it MOVE! I'm watching mine do the same!
God has given me Ephesians 6:13 twice in the last few days "and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]." That's what now! We have just begun attending a new church - a post for a later time - and our new pastor's wife, Tonya, handed me a piece of paper with a couple of scriptures on it Sunday. This was one of them. And with it, she had written the Greek for withstand - "anthistemi - to cause to stand; suggests vigorously opposing, bravely resisting, standing face-to-face against an adversary, standing our ground...with the authority and spiritual weapons granted us we can withstand evil forces." That is what now! I will stand against the devil himself for my daughter! I will fight for her until my last breath! It's what a mother does!
Now before you put me on some sort of spiritual pedestal, understand that the last few days have not been all that great. In fact, last night, I lost it and sobbed shaking the bed enough to wake the dead - aka John when he sleeps! I haven't been able to spend as much time in the Word with school starting, so the lies of the enemy began creeping in. My thoughts wondered to places that had me focusing on circumstances and not Truth. I have had my moments of despair where I wondered if my heart could ever forgive someone who walked out on me and made the accusations she has made that caused us - and our other children - to walk through circumstances I would never in a million years have dreamed I would find myself. But as God tends to do in my mothering of all my children, He keeps bringing the correlation between my daughter and myself to my God and me.
I meet with an amazing woman of God each week. The Truth and wisdom she has been imparting to me over the last year is honestly the only reason I can stand under the weight of what is going on in my family right now at all. She has taught me the Truth of the Secret Place in Psalm 91 and of how we soar on wings like eagles without growing weary or fainting. She has taught me how to be hidden with Christ! I am so thankful. We started a new book this week. And it came with a disclaimer from Becky. She warned us that we are entering enemy territory because we are about to upset his apple-cart with what we will learn in this book. My answer....BRING IT ON!!!! I couldn't even get past the intro without having to stop and process. It is good stuff! And it has made me reflect on the past year and a half with Paizley.
The book is Shattering Your Strongholds by Liberty Savard. Here is one of the nuggets that got me to thinking: "The problem is this: even scripturally correct truth cannot always penetrate a soul that is filled with stronghold thinking....He does not change, bypass, or override our memories and beliefs; He just keeps offering His love and truth until we finally become willing to exchange our old beliefs and old ideas for them." Wow! I don't think I could sum up the past year and a half with any better words. In my weakness I take the rejection personally, but when I am standing in faith and trust in God, I see that this whole thing has little to do with me and a LOT to do with a battle over a soul!
God gave me some scriptures for Paizley over a year ago. If I reacted the way my old self would have - like my old self of about 10 months ago - I would be shaking my finger at God and asking why?! But I am walking in a new lever of trust, faith and understanding of the character of my God! I know that the path my daughter has chosen is not the path God would have chosen for her. Just like I walk on paths at times that God would not choose for me. The fact is, when we do that, we are outside God's perfect will. His Word is clear that He will not force Himself nor His will on anyone! We are free to choose! Liberty Savard says it this way, "This partial verse [1 John 3:8 The reason the Son of God was made manifest (visible) was to undo (destroy, loosen, and dissolve) the works the devil has done] tells us that the reason the Son of God appeared on Earth was to destroy the devil's works - to loosen and dissolve them - and He will provide what we need to do the same thing. This is God's will, but your will has to make a choice to call your life on Earth into alignment and agreement with God's will in Heaven. God will not force you to do so, but He will help you." (emphasis mine)
So many times Christians become disheartened, and I have done the same thing, because something God gave us to pray for didn't happen. For me, this has always in the past put me on a downward spiral to doubt and unbelief. But now I understand many times when the outcome is not favorable, it is because a free will was exerted. It is important of me, and I think all of us, to understand this so that I don't become disappointed or disheartened with God over the outcomes of circumstances and situations that involve humans!
Now, God doesn't teach me lessons like this to sit in judgement! He teaches me lessons like this to put the magnifying glass on myself! You don't watch a child walk away from your family without lots of self-reflection! At least, I don't see how you could. As I watch my daughter walk away, I am challenged to ask what I have walked away from? What has God wanted to teach me that I have turned a deaf ear and blind eye to? What plan has God had for me that I let circumstances or feelings dictate the path I took instead of standing on Truth!
There are a couple of circumstances in my life right now that are threatened by feelings and sight to cause me to give up. No one in their right mind would advise me to push forward if I laid out the pro/con list or spelled out the details. But here's the deal, when we live according to Biblical prinicples, we are not in our "right mind" - we are in the "Mind of Christ"! And that operates according to rules and order that we don't understand here on earth! Doubt me? Jesus was born to a virgin. Jesus raised Lazerath from the dead and then raised himself from the dead. Jesus fed 5,000+ with a few loaves and fish. When society gave up on a woman, he went to the well to meet her one-on-one and spoke life. Peter walked on water - at least until he took his eyes off Jesus. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and spit back up. And I lived through a child walking out my door with my granddaughter!
So if you are facing a circumstance that seems insurmountable or God has called you to what appears to be the impossible, let me encourage you! Another scripture that has come up multiple times in different ways this week is Matthew 17 "Then the disciples came to Jesus and asked privately, Why could we not drive it out? 20 He said to them, Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of [h]firmly relying trust]. For truly I say to you, if you have faith [[i]that is living] like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to yonder place, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." NOTHING! That word does not leave room for argument - with faith, no thing is impossible for you! And when you've done all else, stand! Then watch the enemy run! James 4:7 I pray you see your mountain start to shake today as you stand in faith and say to it MOVE! I'm watching mine do the same!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
The Visionary:UPDATE
I had several responses on my Facebook page to my post on the maternity home. I did go back to the home and took my friend to show her. When I did, I called the Realtor who has it listed. The price is $250,000. But everyone I have talked to thinks we can get it for less! So we have a tangible goal now. The first step is to raise enough to buy the property. So if you are praying with us, that is the prayer request right now.
Second, I had a friend text me that afternoon who said she had read the post and she and her husband were IN! More "doers" that God has sent my way! He even works in construction and has all the knowledge we need to actually build something! Oh how I LOVE the BODY of Christ!
AND.....I saw October Baby this evening! If you have not seen this movie, GO! It just reconfirmed for me why this project is VITAL! I won't spoil the movie in case you haven't gone, but the need for abortions to stop is evident in the facts of what can happen presented in the movie. Horrifying!
Please keep praying! I am believing God for the funds to purchase the land in the next 6 months. There will be a vital meeting Tuesday night, so you can pray for that.....and hopefully fund raising planning will begin soon after that!
Here we go!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow!
Ok, Michelle, here is the post for another time I mentioned in Abundantly More that you asked for! :)
I am not really sure when the beliefs started or if they have always been there. I know my legalistic background and black and white nature definitely fed the beliefs. I can look back on two major faith walks...the first two really big things I heard God say "do this", and I obeyed. Neither one of them had "happily ever after" endings! Not sure if that is when it started or they just solidified beliefs that were already there. I know the day Eden's tiny arms and body that was burning up with fever were ripped from my neck...the day I looked into her eyes and said, "I will be back in three days to get you"...believing it with everything I had in me...that day and the days that followed that have turned into years that I was not able to keep that promise was the beginning of a belief that kept me from believing God is good to me.
It wasn't that I didn't believe God is good. I did. You can't stand on the Bible as true and not believe on some level that He is good. You can't continue to follow Him and not believe on some leve He is good. And that is where it stopped for me. I would read the scriptures that talked about the righteous being rewarded or those who believed in Him not being disappointed, and I would literally write in my margins biting comments like "really?" or "doesn't seem like that to me". Showing you my really mature side here! Let me add that I could believe those versus for you! I could believe them for anyone but me.
I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of being "overlooked" by God on that first trip to Liberia when two precious families were able to bring home their newly adopted children. I know that all the work I had done on Eden's adoption, the hours of research, talking on the phone to the Embassy, etc, etc had prepared me for the work I had done that had united these two families with their children. But throughout that entire trip, there was an ache in my heart! There was a bitterness toward God. Why couldn't I have learned all this AND Eden come home in the end? Why did I not get to bring my brown baby girl home while these families got to benefit from my pain? To make matters worse, I had left my 11 month old baby at home (which was soooooo hard!) to make the trip to make sure all was well for these families! In those few days I truly came to believe that it was my lot in life to suffer so others could be blessed. There was another walk of obedience I was on that is too personal to share here, but it also reinforced this lie the enemy was using to demolish my trust and faith in God. It was a slow decay, but I know these events were setting the stage for the enemy to try to steal, kill and destroy my faith and trust in God.
I knew for the past 7 years this was happening on some level, but it was like I didn't know how to stop the decay! I continued to walk with God and follow His voice...and there were many more "disappointments" with few victories in those walks. Hebrews 11 became my life anthem as I asked God over and over WHY?! Why did these men and women "not receive what was promised?" (Hebrews 11:39) Why did some receive back their dead while others were stoned, sawn in two, put to death, destitute, etc, etc? I just resolved myself to be in that last category and decided I probably needed to just learn how to live in that place. But then I would read things like Mark 11 where if I believe I can cast a mountain into a sea, and if I ask believing I have received it and it will be given to me. Why was that not true of my prayers? Where was that truth in my life?
I am really not sure when it all turned around. I know I still struggle...which is the real reason for this post today! I know when we found our current church, a whole new level of belief opened because I understood more about the Holy Spirit and who He is in our lives. I understood more about power and how previously I wasn't operating with all the power available to me. I don't fully understand how all that plays into my past 7 years...or my past 27 as a Christian for that matter. But this I know, God wants us to always be learning more about Him and believing Him for Who He is and what He says!
Last year was one of the toughest of my life. I blogged about some but not all the struggles. I have questioned my obedience to God more in the last year than in my entire life! Not out of a "are you real God?" questioning, but out of a "I know you had to overestimate what I can handle" type of questioning. I have said before that when I think I have found the end of myself, God takes me one level lower....that has been true on just about a daily basis the last year.
As I began to pray toward the end of 2011 about the coming new year, God gave me Deuteronomy 6 as a scripture for 2012. It talks about remembering God as you walk into the promised land. God had given me scriptures on the promised land before, so I immediately began questioning what He meant! I didn't feel like the other promised land scriptures came to pass, so I was a little reluctant to go there. I knew I couldn't handle anymore "disappointment". I even talked myself out of what God was telling me the scriptures meant. I have two journal entries that totally contradict each other. When I wrestled with that, God showed me that it was just the enemy trying to once again steal kill and destroy my faith and belief that God is good.
God, through the scriptures, told me that 2012 would be the year I would see victory in many areas that I had prayed for breakthrough! There are about four areas that I believe we will see victory in before 2012 ends. One of them is our finances! This is already a lengthy post, so I will save some of those thoughts! But the bottom line is I didn't believe God was good in our finances. I would see other families who only had 2 or 3 children and what they could do with their resources, and I would get angry about the life God had called me to. Shallow? YES! Immature? YES! But that was still where I was many days. It rarely started so shallow...it was usually after a particularly rough day with one or more of the kids or just a day of being overwhelmed with the demands of mothering 7 children and running a ministry that these thoughts would creep in! But God kept bringing me back to the promises for this year.
I have shared some of the gifts from God this year...like the penthouse..then John went on a business trip this past week and had to "suffer" through driving his dream car as his rent car: a Dodge Challenger. Just sweet little gifts like that. But this past week, I was becoming increasingly discouraged with our finances. We really need a 12 passenger van. NEED! Not want, NEED! If we are going to take a vacation this summer, we have to have a bigger car. Nine people in a nine passenger suburban was just not going to be possible for a road trip! We have been looking for one, but hadn't really found the one we thought we should buy, or it was gone by the time we got to it. Then this week, there were medical bills that came in...two kids are about to have medical procedures in the next two weeks, plus the bills for Callie's last hip surgery are coming in. The money I had cushioned for a van payment was dwindling, bit by bit. I still felt like we could handle it and then John told me the tuition for Callie's school that we will be sending her to next hear. The number I had in my head to prepare for was about half what the tuition really is! All the air left my balloon. I was deflated. I was doubting God again. I was wondering where the promised land was there. We have prayed and prayed over Callie's school and knew without a doubt that is where she is to go. We have prayed about a van....have put it off for over a year from when we really wanted to buy one...and felt we had the "go" light from God. Now it seemed impossible for both to be true!
And I began throwing my ever so immature fit with God! Where are You? You have given me promise after promise in Your Word (for this season , God has me literally praying about 10 scriptures every morning as my Bible study....so every morning I am believing for these things as I pray His Words back to Him out loud) yet the reality still remains! At some point faith has to become sight.
This was kind of how that conversation went that morning:
God: "Buy the van."
Me: "We can't buy a van! We have tuition each month which takes all the money I had found in the budget for a van payment! There is no way we can do both."
God: "Buy the van."
Me:"Maybe you didn't hear me, we can't do both!"
God:"You are not paying tuition right now. Buy the van."
Me:"No, but we will be paying tuition in about three months and there is no significant income change in the near future"
God:"Buy the van. Three months is tomorrow...it has enough trouble of its own."
Me:"But I don't see anyway it will work!"
God:"Hebrews 11:1 'Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you DO NOT SEE!' if you could see a way for it to work, it would not be faith. Buy the van."
I shared this with one friend that day. I had't even had time to share it with John. That conversation happened Thursday morning. Yesterday John sat down to do our taxes. Yes, we are one of "them"! We usually are turning them in April 15 at midnight, so
we are actually early this year! I was having a meeting and John came in and said he needed me to look at something asap. He has checked a box on our tax software and we were now showing a significant tax refund...like winning the lottery (at least in my mind!) type of tax refund. We both agreed something had to be wrong, so John started making phone calls and looking into it. But sure enough, it was right! We were unaware that the adoption tax benefit that was in effect for special needs adoptions in 2010 had been extended to 2011. Since the adoptions of our girls were finalized in 2011, we qualified for them! I just cried! I asked for forgiveness for doubting! I praised my Father who wants and gives abundantly more than I could hope or imagine! It was so much more than a number on a screen! It was a promised fulfilled! It was a stone of remembrance to trust and have faith in my Heavenly Father who wants me to believe and trust Him enough to walk into my Promised land no matter what "giants" may seem to stand in my way!
The amount was enough that we can pay off our final credit card (something we had been trying to do for two and a half years!) AND pay cash for a van!!!!! AND probably go to Disney next year with money we can save between now and then since we will not have to make a van or credit card payment!!!!!
This takes me back to my post title: God is good yesterday, today and tomorrow! God is good, my friends! But He is not just good today because He has provided for me financially! He was good "yesterday" when I doubted Him. He was good "yesterday" when Eden didn't come home. I never want to put God is "good" as a response to something good happening to me because that leaves the assumption he is "bad" when something bad happens or I am disappointed. The truth God is teaching me is that He is good all the time! And my willingness to trust and believe that regardless of my circumstances is when the blessings come!
Am I excited about the money, absolutely! But I am way more excited about a God who loves me enough to meet my needs and to "prove" Himself to me when I seek Him.... even though He proved Himself enough that I should NEVER doubt by going to the Cross for me! I am celebrating that I have a God who loves me and cares for my needs and meets me right where I am! He will do the same for you!
There is so much more to tell about this journey I am on...but if you have made it this far in this post, you have read a novel! And my kids are asking for breakfast...so my post for another time will have to be completed another time...... :)
Monday, March 26, 2012
Identity
The problem with putting my identity in anything or anywhere but Christ is the internal struggle when that identity is changed by the direction God has you go!
I enrolled Madison and Journey, my two babies, in a 3 day a week Mother's Day Out program for next year. I struggle with that because it puts them in Mother's Day Out more days a week than they are home (weekdays that is!). I'm sure to most you are asking, "What's the big deal?!" But I have been a stay at home mom advocate my entire life! My mom was a stay at home mom, and she was AMAZING! I just always assumed I would do the same. John swears I told him on the first date that I was going to be a stay at home mom, if that wasn't ok, we could end things now!
But then God called us to open Addy's Hope 6 years ago. I remember when John first said he felt like God was calling us to step out and do this thing...my initial response was, "Great! In 18 years when all my babies have been raised, I think that is a fabulous idea!!" But John was confident God meant now so we started.
Addy's Hope has had its seasons where it was more than a full time job, but since it was international adoptions at that time, I was still able to manage it all from home or taking my babies to the office when we had one. But that is changing. God is opening more and more doors and the time needed to do this job well demands a change in my identity and shift in my thinking - going from a stay at home mom to a working mom.
I am blessed that even in having to look at a way to have more dedicated, baby free time to work, I still have flexibility and am not having to put Journey or Madison in 5 day a week daycare. I recognize that, and I am so thankful.
But as the reality of signing them up for the three day a week program for next year hit home, I realized even after all God has done in me the past few months to years, my identity still gets wrapped up in the wrong places. My identity should be in Christ and Christ alone. He is the only constant in this world! If my identity were in Him, it wouldn't matter what He called me to, I would be ready with a YES! Ready to walk in obedience! Just one more way God is calling me to trust and believe Him these days! Trust that He will take care of my babies while they are away from me, trust that He does have a plan that is better than what I can see or imagine - especially when it doesn't look like what I thought plans would look like right now, trust that He will provide the money necessary for the childcare, and believe that He has only my children my best interest in mind ALWAYS!
This is big for me - especially when it comes to letting go of my babies! But one thing I have learned over the last year in particular is that I want to walk in obedience! I want to walk hidden in the secret place of God - and you can't do that when you are walking in disobedience!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Freedom from Food: 40 Days
There are so many blog posts rattling around in my head...but no time to sit and get them out here! This is a rare moment when babies are asleep, Paizley is at work and the rest of the kids are at a movie with John's parents. And thanks to the help of my amazing friend Elizabeth, my house is clean, so I'm going to get this post out of my head and down here in print!
Several weeks ago, God told me to fast from meat and sweets. I started several times only to talk myself out of it when it got hard. I really don't understand fasting except to know that it is a spiritual discipline that we are expected to partake in when told to do so. And that with each fast I do, I learn a little more about what it does for me and my relationship with God....especially in the battle with food addiction. I wasn't talking myself out of the fast because I didn't want to obey, but I couldn't really get my mind around why I would be fasting from just meat and sweets or what purpose this fast was serving. I'm one of those children who needs to know "why"! I am mature enough to realize God doesn't have to answer the "why", and I'm still accountable to walk in obedience, but this time, He was gracious enough to know my unspoken request to know why and gave it to me!
40 days ago, I was reading the two devotions that I get every day: Proverbs 31 and David Wilkerson. The two were on nothing similar, but God took both of them and lead me right where I needed to be! The Proverbs 31 was on discipline and the David Wilkerson was on unbelief. David talked about how unbelief is the underlying sin of most sin and disobedience. He hit the nail on the head with me! I had just spent some time wrestling with God over some issues of unbelief. But then the Proverbs 31 was on discipline and took me to Hebrews 12: 11-13.
For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]. So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees, and cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured. (Amplified version)
God immediately spoke that the fast from sweets and meat was discipline. It was God correcting in me the idolatry of food in my life. He was putting me straight! I thought a fast should be warm and fuzzy and bring me these feelings of closeness to God. But God was showing me that this fast would not be warm and fuzzy because it was discipline. In fact, it will be grievous and painful at times. One version even said sorrowful to mind and body. BUT....in the end, when I had been trained by it, I would yield fruit of righteousness....a harvest of fruit which will bring me into conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action resulting in right living and right standing with God! Praise Jesus!!!! That is exactly where I want to be! And my love of food has blocked that so many times in my life! I immediately had not only a purpose for the fast, but a hope like I haven't had in a long time of breaking the bondage of addiction to food!
This is what David Wilkerson then had to say about unbelief:
"Unbelief today is as destructive as it ever was. We may not turn into a pillar of salt, but we do become stiff-necked and bitter! The ground does not open up to swallow us, but we are swallowed by troubles, stress and family problems. Fire does not come down and consume us, but our spiritual life is destroyed."
How could this man whom I have never met have just described perfectly the condition of my life?
But God didn't even stop there! He went on! I love Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and use it often. God reminded me of her section on Unbelief and prompted me to once again read her narrative before the scripture prayers. I've read this tens of times over the years, but it was like reading it for the first time as God used this to speak directly to me about the 40 day fast! Here is the deal. I had sat down the night God showed me all this to ask Him where He was in two major times in my life that I felt He had let me down. I was wrestling with moving forward in belief and faith in any are of my life with these two doubts looming over my head! As I asked God for answers to those times, he took me to unbelief. These two events had left me with so much doubt about God. They left me with so many fears that walking in faith would always end badly. I wanted to believe, but every time I would try to move forward, the enemy would bring up these two particular events. As I read what Beth Moore had to say, it all became clear! God was asking me to fast these 40 days from meat and sweets because He was not only disciplining me, but He was breaking loose all the bondage food had on me, but even greater than that, He wanted to free me from unbelief! Beth Moore says, "Believing God is never more critical than when we have strongholds that need to be demolished. Believing God is also rarely more challenging...But you can't just believe in Him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him. Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believe you can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are." Wow! That's what I needed right there! I didn't believe any of those statements, and God wanted to seal this deal for ever!
I began journaling based on the words from Hebrews 12 and then Beth's commentary on unbelief. This is what I journaled that night 40 days ago:
"During the 40 days I will be taking a new grip with my tired hands, strengthening my knees (what I use to walk where God shows) and will have a clear path - boundaries for my feet so on my bad days (when I am weak) I will not fall (fail - turn to food again, because there are no boundaries since food, unlike alcohol or drugs is necessary for life). Then the limb which is lame - my unbelief - will be healed."
I was so excited! I was nearly dancing around the sunroom in praise! Then I heard God's voice and I wrote:
"At the end of 40 days, you will be healed, delivered, free! The 100 lbs will come off - you will hit your goal of (He gave me a number which even in my transparency am not comfortable sharing with the world! LOL!)." Then I heard as clearly as I have ever heard God....almost audible
NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN
And so the 40 day journey began.
The spiritual battles and the weariness of the last 40 days have been insane, but I have not wavered in my belief. The fast is complete at midnight tonight...and I am expecting big things! I know my chains of addiction to food are going to fall off, and my unbelief will be behind me! There are really no words to describe the journey of the past 40 days or the excitement or thankfulness I have for what God has shown me during this fast. God has taken me through scripture after scripture in the Bible where He did something so someone would believe or would have faith. I know that what I will witness in the days and weeks to come will be a stone of remembrance in my life as a time when my belief and faith were increased beyond what they have ever been before!
Several weeks ago, God told me to fast from meat and sweets. I started several times only to talk myself out of it when it got hard. I really don't understand fasting except to know that it is a spiritual discipline that we are expected to partake in when told to do so. And that with each fast I do, I learn a little more about what it does for me and my relationship with God....especially in the battle with food addiction. I wasn't talking myself out of the fast because I didn't want to obey, but I couldn't really get my mind around why I would be fasting from just meat and sweets or what purpose this fast was serving. I'm one of those children who needs to know "why"! I am mature enough to realize God doesn't have to answer the "why", and I'm still accountable to walk in obedience, but this time, He was gracious enough to know my unspoken request to know why and gave it to me!
40 days ago, I was reading the two devotions that I get every day: Proverbs 31 and David Wilkerson. The two were on nothing similar, but God took both of them and lead me right where I needed to be! The Proverbs 31 was on discipline and the David Wilkerson was on unbelief. David talked about how unbelief is the underlying sin of most sin and disobedience. He hit the nail on the head with me! I had just spent some time wrestling with God over some issues of unbelief. But then the Proverbs 31 was on discipline and took me to Hebrews 12: 11-13.
For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]. So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees, and cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured. (Amplified version)
God immediately spoke that the fast from sweets and meat was discipline. It was God correcting in me the idolatry of food in my life. He was putting me straight! I thought a fast should be warm and fuzzy and bring me these feelings of closeness to God. But God was showing me that this fast would not be warm and fuzzy because it was discipline. In fact, it will be grievous and painful at times. One version even said sorrowful to mind and body. BUT....in the end, when I had been trained by it, I would yield fruit of righteousness....a harvest of fruit which will bring me into conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action resulting in right living and right standing with God! Praise Jesus!!!! That is exactly where I want to be! And my love of food has blocked that so many times in my life! I immediately had not only a purpose for the fast, but a hope like I haven't had in a long time of breaking the bondage of addiction to food!
This is what David Wilkerson then had to say about unbelief:
"Unbelief today is as destructive as it ever was. We may not turn into a pillar of salt, but we do become stiff-necked and bitter! The ground does not open up to swallow us, but we are swallowed by troubles, stress and family problems. Fire does not come down and consume us, but our spiritual life is destroyed."
How could this man whom I have never met have just described perfectly the condition of my life?
But God didn't even stop there! He went on! I love Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and use it often. God reminded me of her section on Unbelief and prompted me to once again read her narrative before the scripture prayers. I've read this tens of times over the years, but it was like reading it for the first time as God used this to speak directly to me about the 40 day fast! Here is the deal. I had sat down the night God showed me all this to ask Him where He was in two major times in my life that I felt He had let me down. I was wrestling with moving forward in belief and faith in any are of my life with these two doubts looming over my head! As I asked God for answers to those times, he took me to unbelief. These two events had left me with so much doubt about God. They left me with so many fears that walking in faith would always end badly. I wanted to believe, but every time I would try to move forward, the enemy would bring up these two particular events. As I read what Beth Moore had to say, it all became clear! God was asking me to fast these 40 days from meat and sweets because He was not only disciplining me, but He was breaking loose all the bondage food had on me, but even greater than that, He wanted to free me from unbelief! Beth Moore says, "Believing God is never more critical than when we have strongholds that need to be demolished. Believing God is also rarely more challenging...But you can't just believe in Him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him. Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believe you can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are." Wow! That's what I needed right there! I didn't believe any of those statements, and God wanted to seal this deal for ever!
I began journaling based on the words from Hebrews 12 and then Beth's commentary on unbelief. This is what I journaled that night 40 days ago:
"During the 40 days I will be taking a new grip with my tired hands, strengthening my knees (what I use to walk where God shows) and will have a clear path - boundaries for my feet so on my bad days (when I am weak) I will not fall (fail - turn to food again, because there are no boundaries since food, unlike alcohol or drugs is necessary for life). Then the limb which is lame - my unbelief - will be healed."
I was so excited! I was nearly dancing around the sunroom in praise! Then I heard God's voice and I wrote:
"At the end of 40 days, you will be healed, delivered, free! The 100 lbs will come off - you will hit your goal of (He gave me a number which even in my transparency am not comfortable sharing with the world! LOL!)." Then I heard as clearly as I have ever heard God....almost audible
NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN
And so the 40 day journey began.
The spiritual battles and the weariness of the last 40 days have been insane, but I have not wavered in my belief. The fast is complete at midnight tonight...and I am expecting big things! I know my chains of addiction to food are going to fall off, and my unbelief will be behind me! There are really no words to describe the journey of the past 40 days or the excitement or thankfulness I have for what God has shown me during this fast. God has taken me through scripture after scripture in the Bible where He did something so someone would believe or would have faith. I know that what I will witness in the days and weeks to come will be a stone of remembrance in my life as a time when my belief and faith were increased beyond what they have ever been before!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Well Behaved Women....Callie's not one of them!
Just to update you on the hair bow battle, Callie met with her principal yesterday. At the beginning of the meeting, the principal asked Callie if she was nervous talking to her, and Callie smiled and said, "Nope!" That's my girl!!!!! Seems to be a bit of attempt to intimidate going on....glad it didn't work on her anymore than it did no me!
The petition she started has been approved. The principal put all kinds of stipulations on how and when it can be signed and made Callie initial signature pages, etc. Kind of silly, but we will play by her rules. I am just so proud of Callie for standing up and continuing even when it got hard and could have been intimidating! The petition will be in two locations at three different times during the school day. I am praying and asking my friends to pray that this experience is a good one for Callie and accomplishes all God intends for it to do in her life. And as a momma bear whose watched her cub be attacked, I'm praying for hundreds of signatures for Callie to have when she sits with the principal next week to discuss the petition!
I'll keep you posted! Could not be more proud of my daughter! Makes me wonder what plans God has for her and makes me excited to see just what those will be!
The petition she started has been approved. The principal put all kinds of stipulations on how and when it can be signed and made Callie initial signature pages, etc. Kind of silly, but we will play by her rules. I am just so proud of Callie for standing up and continuing even when it got hard and could have been intimidating! The petition will be in two locations at three different times during the school day. I am praying and asking my friends to pray that this experience is a good one for Callie and accomplishes all God intends for it to do in her life. And as a momma bear whose watched her cub be attacked, I'm praying for hundreds of signatures for Callie to have when she sits with the principal next week to discuss the petition!
I'll keep you posted! Could not be more proud of my daughter! Makes me wonder what plans God has for her and makes me excited to see just what those will be!
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