I Am Enough. An Open Letter to Mental Health Workers

Dear Mental Health Worker,

I am the mother of  multiple children with mental health issues. Because of the last 5 years of parenting them and their mental health, I now battle depression and anxiety as well. I would like to share with you my experience over the last five weeks with those in your profession....It started with a meltdown that would result in a 7 day inpatient stay.

During the intake we told our story no less than 6 times. Each time I could feel myself sinking a little lower in my seat as I told our family story. I felt guilty for having a child with a terminal illness. I felt guilty for having a child move out to go to college. I felt guilty for providing help for a child who had been estranged from the family  for years.

Worker: "Have you had any major trauma in your family in the last year?"

My husband and I: "No, we have had a fairly calm year compared to the last 5 or 6."

What for most people might feel like trauma for us has become day to day life. We don't mean to minimize what we or our kids go through, but we also can't sit and dwell in it! None of us would survive if we did!

Worker: "Has anyone moved in or out of the home? Have you had any additions to the family or deaths?"

Me: "Our oldest daughter in the home moved out to go to college in the fall."

My husband: "Our oldest son had to leave the home to get some professional help for three months at the beginning of the year, so that was a loss for a time."

Me: "Well, we also had our oldest daughter move in with us for three weeks with her three kids after being estranged for nearly five years. I mean, that was a great blessing for our family to be back in contact.....but I guess that is trauma?!"

I respond sheepishly. Oh, and let's not forget that we received a terminal diagnosis of our middle daughter just 8 months ago that we along with all our children are still processing!

Heck! Just save a wing for us! I'm headed home to get the entire family and bring them back! We all need a stay here!

I didn't say that, but I wanted to in response to the look the young worker gave me as she put her pencil down and looked up at me and said, "Wow! That is a lot of trauma! It is amazing you are still standing!"

And so that almost exact dialogue would play out with each professional we would talk to over the next few hours - finally leaving the hospital exhausted and defeated in the wee hours of the morning the next day.

We would return for visitation and family therapy. Family therapy would consist of much the same thing. I am a professional who trains parents in trauma informed care. There is not much the 20 something young ladies sitting across from me are going to provide me in a professional setting that I do not already know. The one thing I asked for each time was - I need providers!!! I need a good therapist! I need a good psychiatrist!

In her defense, I am sure she was trying to make me feel better. But continually being told that "you have a lot on your plate" while your family is in crisis makes it hard to not start questioning if you really are enough?! Each session was the same. The look of pity mixed with judgement. A list of possible resources that in the end either did not take my insurance or had no openings, or would require over an hour drive one way each week. You are the one who just told me I have a lot on my plate, what makes you think I can add a four hour therapy trip per week to that plate?!

We discharge without clear answers but determined parents. I take off work because it is the first week of summer and that transition from school to summer is always a hard one for our kids.  I know this because I have lived with them for the last 6-17 years. I did not read that in a book about my children. So when talking to me about my child, please listen to know that I do have some insight that I am giving you that is unique to my family and will not be found in any book you read in college or since.

We set our schedule and have a better rhythm than we have ever started summer with. But before the week is up we are back in the hospital. This time there is not a bed, and I am literally in the hospital with my child for 24 hours before they are able to admit her. I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for 10 days. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. But I am smiling and playing UNO with my child because that is what my child needs from me! I am doing it because I am enough!

With this 7 day stay, we had two different family therapists. The first one told us not to do what the one from our last stay had told us to do. Yes, we were in the same facility! Yes, we are in crisis! Yes, I was frustrated! Please be sure all of you on the same treatment team are consistent. Make sure you have inner-team communication! It is vital for the mental health of parents and caregivers!

The second family therapist we had (and if you are counting closely, this is actually our third family therapist in three weeks in the same program) was very helpful and truly tried her best. She gave us some helpful resources and even some practical tools. However each visit, she talked about how we just had so many kids and the chaos of so many kids was just not good for this child. Again and again, I had to hear how my home was just not providing the right atmosphere.

I am a professional. I have to tell families the same things sometimes. So I get it. And I tried very hard to hear what she was saying without taking it personally. But hearing it time and again knowing I had taken off work, I had put structure in place more than ever before, yet I was told at each visit that I had missed the mark - I was told each time that by the very nature and structure of my family I would never be enough.

Fast forward 6 more days. My child is home. We are implementing the plan we put in place at discharge. Well, not exactly because we were told there was transportation that actually ended up not being a thing. So I am driving three hours a day to get my child to and from a program as an intensive outpatient program. I am doing this while still trying to meet the emotional needs of all my other children as well. At this point I am beyond exhausted!

I am beginning to hear the voice of the therapist in my head again! "With that many kids...." And what exactly do I do about "that many kids" now?! Would you like to take some home to see if you can do a better job? Would you like to hire a full time Nanny in order to help ease some of the load and provide another adult to give care?! There are still 7,000 kids just in Texas who have no family - this child could still be one of them! But instead this child has a family who is working to help and provide and love and nurture!

Can I do it? How do I sustain this long term? Can I provide all my kids need?

I open the door to grab my calendar to schedule one more appointment, and this cup falls out. Ironically, it is from our Mother's Day sermon at church just a few weeks ago. I can't see all the words, but I know what it says... "you are
enough" The cup blurs through the tears as I bend over to pick it up. Right there in the parking lot, I am reminded that I am enough.

All am I am asking is that in a field where you are trained to provide mental health awareness and care, make sure you are giving a stronger message than the cups falling out of cars! Take into consideration the mental health of the person you are talking to as well as the patient! Can you remember that none of us live in a perfect world! Can you hear our stories? I mean really listen and not simply put us into cookie cutter, check the box forms?

If you could, it would mean the world to me because to my child, I am her world. And I while I am not perfect, I am enough. If you could just do as a mental health professional what a cup rolling out of my car was able to do, this mother would be ever so grateful!

Sincerely,
One Weary Momma of a Precious Child with Mental Health Struggles

I Didn't Choose It

I have had several people lately mention in conversation that John and I chose this life. I don't know if it's arrogance wanting credit for all that we do in our home that few people understand or know, or if it's my frustration that more people are not "choosing" it, but the comment always rubs me the wrong way. So much so that the last time someone mentioned it, I actually stopped them and corrected them.

If by "choose" you mean we said yes when God asked us to jump, then I can agree we chose this life! But as a Christ follower who believes we have a different reality and set of rules than those who are not Christ followers, I've never really considered obedience to God a choice! I mean I have had my struggles where I didn't follow Him - I am a sinner in need of his grace DAILY if not HOURLY! But I have always been extremely convicted even when I didn't understand at all kingdom living on earth that doing what God asked me to do was the best choice for me. Galatians 5:13 puts it like this, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love." (NIV)

However, the way our "choice" usually comes up in conversation is when someone is talking about the stress we endure or the chaos we manage. That is the definition of choice that makes me want to scream from a rooftop - I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE!

John most recently said it best. When we took on the responsibility of being parents to 9 individual children-10 now if you count the 17 year old living with us this year - we did choose to take on the spiritual responsibility, the financial responsibility, the demands of raising these humans to adulthood and supporting them until death. However, when we said yes to a number of our children, we had NO IDEA what the future looked like!

Let me stop here and be very clear, this is not a post of regret about saying yes to ANY of my children!  I love each and every one of them! I know God placed them in my home, and I am honored and blessed to be their mom! There are no regrets to saying yes! This is not a post to get sympathy or 'at-a-boys' from anyone.  It's simply a post of awareness for those of us raising kids who have struggles we didn't know they would have. It's a post of education to what NOT to say to families who are struggling with behaviors rooted in what happened to children BEFORE they came into the family. It's a post to ask if this is a choice, then why are more not choosing it who say Jesus is their Lord?

Back to saying yes - I have a biological daughter who many would say I "chose" to birth - because many would have ended her life in utero due to her genetic malformation. Did I choose to give her life? You bet I did! Would I choose to do it again? One THOUSAND times INFINITY I would! Would I choose for my daughter to have a special needs child? NO!

Many of my kids came to me as babies - newborns. Just like with Ava, there was no way to know the future. I held perfect little babies! They met all their milestones, they grew and loved and attached and were just my babies. Did I choose to adopt a healthy baby who might have some learning disabilities because of choices their birth mothers made during pregnancy? Yes! Did I choose to have mental hospital stays? Did I choose to have daily trips to the school to calm a child wrecked by anxiety and unable to manage it well? Did I choose to bare scars from meltdowns that resulted in scratches? Did I choose to hear "you're not my mom" multiple times as children process their own loss and grief? NO!

Raising children with trauma, saying yes when God asked us, does not mean we chose the life you see us live today! It does mean that we are committed to parenting our children for a lifetime! It does mean that we trust God knew our today when we said yes yesterday - and we trust Him to hold our tomorrow! It does mean that we have to daily rely on Him to fill us up in order to just pour into our family - with the hope of one day being able to minister outside our family more.

So please, before you look at a family like ours - or anyone in a situation that may be more than they said "yes" to - and think we chose this, please reconsider! And while you are at it, would you consider a yes to a life that may be more than you bargained for? There are nearly 7,000 children in Texas who need someone to say yes to them for forever - and many more who need a temporary yes while their parents get their feet back on the ground! I can promise you it will be more than you thought you said yes to - but not all that "more" is a bad thing! We have more love, more grace, more laughing, and more compassion than I ever could have imagined raising in the family we would have had if we had not said yes!

God Sacrificed His Son, Why Shouldn't I?

I am often asked when talking about older child adoption, "How will adoptiong affect my kids?" or "I don't know if we are ready to do this because it may be too difficult for my children."

I get it! Really, I do! I can promise you, adopting WILL affect your kids! It will expose them to things they probably were never exposed to before - and probably won't be for a long time if you don't adopt.

As a parent of 9 children, I often remind myself that the challenges of raising a large family with children who have special needs pale in comparison to dying on the cross. I know. That sounds dramatic! But really, John and I have for years reminded each other that we have not yet anguished to the point of sweating blood (Luke 22:44). Since Jesus did that for us, we really can't complain about the path He has asked us to take. I mean really, can raising my adorable children really be compared to that...

But a perspective I had not really considered about the cross vs adopting is the fact that Jesus is God's Son. Hang with me a minute...I KNOW Jesus is God's son! But when I think about how adoption (or really any act of obedience that has cost your children something - going into the mission field, making a move in order to follow a call, etc) has affected the children already in my home, I have to ask myself, "If God was willing to sacrifice His Son on the cross for me, why should I not be willing to sacrifice my child for Him?" Now before you completely write me off - I am not suggesting that you put your child on an alter or hang them on a cross! But I am asking where we got the theology that God would never ask us to do something that would make our children uncomfortable! Where in scripture does it say that we should wait until our children are out of the house to follow God's commands because they just might not be able to handle it? Who made your children? Do you not think when God knit them together, He had this in mind for them?

I am not suggesting that we don't take seriously our job as parents to protect the ones God has already entrusted to us! But I am challenging the Americanized religious answer to hard things that would require our children to be uncomfortable - even in their own home - in order to be obedient to God's calling and to serve another human who doesn't have what your child does - a family! I am asking you if you are hiding from obedience behind your child?

I recently had a conversation with one of my children about another child. Child A was complaining about how inconvenient Child B is to have in the family. I quickly reminded Child A that Child B struggles with some things due to Child B's beginning before Child B came to live with us! I reminded Child A that Child A did NOTHING to deserve being born into a family with a loving mother and father, a healthy home with everything needed to provide safety, love, and connection. And Child B did nothing to deserve being born into a family who was unable to provide the necessary ingredients for a healthy start! It is only by God's grace those of us with a happy beginning have a happy beginning! We didn't earn it any more than those with a rough start deserve theirs!

If you have felt God tugging at you to adopt, go into missions, move across the country, or anything else that you think would "damage" your children, can I encourage you to revisit it? Ask God again what He desires for you to do - even if it looks like something that will require you to "sacrifice" your children. Can I ask you to trust God with your children and say YES to what He is calling you to?! After all, He said YES to you when He sacrificed His Son for you! If God asked that of His own son - don't you think He might just be asking that of yours too? Just some food for thought....

An Open Letter to the Parents of My Child's Classmates

This is a message sent out after school today in one of my children's classes. Before you read any further in this post, stop and think, "What would I think if this note came home from my child's class?" I know the me of five years ago probably would have wanted to know what in the world was happening in that class. How did a teacher get scratched? Why do you feel the need to assure me my child was safe? Are they really safe?

But today when I read it, I just cried....it was my child. My child put the scratch on the teacher. As I read what the school sent out, my heart broke. Let me stop here and say that we have worked hard to get where we are - but we now have an amazing team of educators working with us for our child. I understand why they had to send a message - well, my head understands it, but my heart really just wants to yell at somebody! If I could have followed that message sent out to the parents by the school with my own message, it would go something like this:

Dear Parents,

It was my child. My child put the scratch on our teacher's face. She is just as horrified as you are! I wish you could have seen how she cried when she realized she had hurt the teacher she dearly loves. I wish you could have seen how brave she was as she sat in a room with a mental health crisis worker, a behavioral specialist, her principal, her teacher, her teacher's aid, and the special programs director as she told her side of the story. I wish you could have felt her heart racing, seen the look in her eyes as she apologized to all she hurt in her meltdown. I wish you could have heard how detailed she spoke about what is happening in her mind and body when her body takes over and her mind shuts down because of fear, sadness, and anxiety! I wish you could hear her tell the mental health crisis worker how she wants to sing "What  Beautiful Name" when she starts getting anxious to calm herself down, but sometimes she doesn't remember to. She shared that she wants to sing on stage some day - I wish you could hear her BIG, BEAUTIFUL voice! Did any of you notice last week that she stood on the top row, the ENTIRE music program and sang, and did motions?! Did you know how hard she worked in the days leading up to that moment to convince herself she could in fact do that?! While you were snapping pictures with your child's friends to document all their cute Seuss hair, we were congratulating our daughter on staying on the stage! Celebrating big just how brave she is! Alone, no friends coming to take pictures with her, but BRAVE! Thank you to the mom who did ask at the end if she wanted to take a picture with her daughter. I don't know who you are, but you made this momma's night!

I wish you could get to know my child! I wish you could see the light that shines in her eyes when she feels safe! I wish you could see how she loves to give big hugs when she feels safe - even though your child has probably told you she hits, and screams, and bites when someone touches her. I wish you knew that only happens when her trauma kicks in and she has little to no control over her actions because her natural instinct to protect herself takes over. I wish you knew just how much she loves Jesus and wants to be like Him!

I have heard the whispers. I see the stares as we walk down the hall after an incident. I have had my friends tell me over coffee or lunch that their friend talked about the girl in their child's class who acts so badly - not knowing that their friend is my friend - the mom of that terrible child. I have heard my friends tell me how they have defended us as a family and assured their other friends that we are loving parents despite what so many assume about us based on our daughter's behaviors. I have even sat across tables from some of you as you made comments about my daughter  while looking me in the eye.

I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. I wish you could love a child with all your heart who struggles just to make it through daily life because of no fault of her own - or of yours! I wish you could sit as a mom beside your child as they realize the horrors they have caused and are heart broken because of it. I wish you could hold my child while she cries because she knows no one wants to come to her house for a sleep over because she scratched her teacher in a bodily response she couldn't control. I wish you understood.

My daughter is kind, brave, beautiful, compassionate, brilliant, artistic, musical, strong, loving - and a victim of early childhood trauma. Please look beyond the latter to see the real her. And please encourage your children to do the same.

Sincerely,
One Proud & Heart Broken Momma

Foster Care Redesign: A Call To Action

Yesterday I posted my testimony that was given to the Senate Health and Human Services Committee regarding Senate Bill 11. Senators Schwertner, Uresti and Nelson are the authors of the bill. I have spoke to staffers in all of these Senators' offices. But we need MORE voices! The only voices being heard right now with regard to Foster Care Redesign and further privatization are the ones who profit from it or who need to "save face" because they helped design it! There are amazing Senators on the HHSC who truly have a heart to do what is best for children. They need to hear us! We are the only ones who can speak up for the kids! 

This is a complex issue that I am going to attempt to make into bullet points that are easy for you to communicate to your Senator and Representative. If you do not know who your Senator or Representative is, go here to find out! In addition to your Senator or Representative, please contact those Senators who are on the HHSC! They are: 
Senator Charles Schwetner (Committee Chair) (512) 463-0105
Senator Carlos Uresti (Committee Vice Chair) (512) 463-0119 
Senator Dawn Buckingham (512) 463-0124
Senator Konni Burton (Senator for the current Redesign Area) (512) 463-0110 
Senator Lois Kolkhorst  (512) 463-0118 (If Senator Kolkhorst is your Senator, you should be very proud! She has a true heart for children and appears in the hearings to be seeking real solutions for positive outcomes for all children!)
Senator Borris Miles (512) 463-0113
Senator Charles Perry (512) 463-0128 (Senator Perry also shows a genuine concern for the outcomes for all children! You have a great child advocate in your Senator if Perry represents you!)
Senator Van Taylor (512) 463-0108
Senator Kirk Watson (512) 463-0114 (Senator Watson is new to this committee, but he was very involved in the hearing and seeking an understanding of the real issues and the best solutions for children! His office also expressed a desire to see a pilot of the current system fully funded! Please call his office if you support funding CPS fully so that workers can do their job and let him know he has your support!)

When you call say:

"This is ___state you name___ my zip code is ____7XXXX___. I am calling to voice my concern over the privatization of DFPS rolls in Senate Bill 11 as well as the continued roll out of Foster Care Redesign. My concerns are:

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not accurately represent actual outcomes for some populations of children. 
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placement
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and redesign contracts include a silencing clause.Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children in other areas of the state. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to examine outcomes if the legacy system is given the needed resources to function with recommended case loads, maintain workforce, etc. Could it be that our current system will provide the desired outcomes for all Texas children if it is funded the way redesign is being funded? 

I have the same information below with some bullet points that expand on the concerns. If your Senator or Representative would like more details or needs more explanation to fully understand the issues with redesign and Senate Bill 11, I am happy to visit with them and provide more details, copy of emails, contracts, etc to back my concerns. They can reach me by calling Addy's Hope 432.897.1503.

• The private sector has already proven it does not have the capacity to serve the needs of Texas children in care.  
• The first redesign area failed completely when Providence withdrew their contract and left the children under their management in limbo as they moved back to CPS management.
• The current redesign area has been funded with $6 million dollars of private money. Money that cannot be guaranteed for all areas of Texas.  
• Redesign limits the number of adoptive homes available to children who are legally free for adoption
• For Example:  Agency B in Houston has 350 licensed adoptive homes. Agency B does not desire to contract with the SSCC in Catchment Area 3B because it is not lucrative for them to do so. Now children in 3B no longer have access to the 350 homes licensed by Agency B. This drastically reduces the odds of waiting children finding a forever home and increases the odds that they will age out of foster care.
• Redesign outcomes being reported do not necessarily accurately represent actual outcomes. 
• It is reported that adoption numbers are up in 3B. However, adoption agencies, CPS employees and CASA all report a decrease in matched adoptions as well as an increase in time it takes for the process to be completed when compared to the legacy system. When asked specifically about the number of matched adoptions being completed, we have been told those numbers do not exist.
• The numbers being reported for adoptions reflect the numbers of all adoptions including kinship as well as foster homes adopting children who become legally free. They do not accurately reflect the outcome for our older, harder to place children who are not being matched for adoption.
• Families willing to adopt older children and large sibling groups are being denied placements
• placement of a sibling group of 4 was denied placement under Providence in 2014
• placement of a 16 year old was attempted to be blocked until adoptive parents advocated on her behalf for placement
• both scenarios were due to a contract issue and could have moved forward under the legacy system without issue
• families licensed for adoption with agencies under redesign are waiting 12+ months to be matched. With many of them becoming frustrated with the system and stopping the process. Comparatively, families licensed to adopt in the legacy system are waiting 3-6 months to be matched.
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet the roll out has missed deadline after deadline delaying the process of reform. A fact that does not address the immediate dire situation of our children in care as articulated by Judge Jack in the federal ruling. 
• Redesign is said to be the best model for children yet CPS workers in more than one region have been told speaking out against it will result in a loss of their jobs, and a contract from the current redesign SSCC for an adoption agency contained a silencing clause. Why can those who know what is happening to children in redesign not speak out about it if it is good for children?
• Redesign creates a competition within areas of the state that results in poor outcomes for children around the redesign area. Do we want a system that is best for some Texas children or all Texas children? 
• a town hall meeting in 3b revealed the testimony of a foster mom who has an empty bed, but the CPS office 20 miles from her has a child sleeping on the floor. Because she was in 3b, and the child was not, the child had to remain on the floor and her bed remained empty. 
• There needs to be an independent audit that ensures redesign is creating the actual outcomes that are best for all Texas children and families. 
•  Senate Bill 11 suggests several pilot programs for privatization of multiple CPS rolls. This would result in many DFPS employees losing their jobs.
• There should be a pilot program to fully fund a region from investigations through post placement to see if with the needed resources the legacy system will provide the desired outcomes for all children and maintain the CPS workforce we need to secure to ensure the safety and well-being of Texas Children. 

THANK YOU for speaking up and being a voice for children! Please share with anyone who you know who has a concern for the current issues facing our children in state care!

She has a home...

This morning I am preparing paperwork for my first teen placement.  And of course, the teen is a girl! I have had several people ask me if it has been hard to place a teenage girl in a home given our experience.  As always, let me be real...I thought it would be.  I worried about how I would walk a family through the process with my reality in the back of my mind.  Could I really ask a family to potentially walk the path that we did almost five years ago? But honestly, it has been exciting, and even therapeutic on some levels.  And on other levels, it has been tough!

First, let me say that placing a teenager in an adoptive home will never get old! This young lady is less than two years from entering the world without a family (what we call "aging out").  There is an estimated 20,000 (no, I didn't add too many 0's) youth who age out of foster care every year in our country.  If you look at statistics, you know that means 20,000 who are very likely to be homeless, in jail, have children who grow up in the system or all three! So knowing that God has given a family to one of those 20,000 and not allowed her to become a statistic! Praise Him! Truly, this is what I am called to do!

So if this is my calling, why didn't God let my experience look more like a Hallmark movie and less like it was? It would be so much easier to talk to families sharing how amazing it had been to adopt a teenager and provide an opportunity for a life she would not have otherwise had.  Somehow, I think more families would want to do it if I could share that story.  But my adoptive families got the real story.  They hear the hard truth of what bringing broken children into your home can do.  So why would I ask them to do that? Because God tells us to!

I have families ask me all the time if I would do it again.  My answer is yes..for many reasons! Mostly because just like this young lady who is being placed tomorrow, she has a home! My daughter will always have a family.  She is not an orphan.  And the most obvious reasons, my grand babies who are now my babies.  Had we not adopted our daughter we would not have been in a place legally to do what we did to provide safety for them at that time.

So as I get the paperwork ready to take to the placement of a 16 year old who will no longer be an orphan, I am more excited than I would ever have thought possible!  Of course the fact that by everyone's account who has worked with her she is an amazing young lady and this family is a super family helps ease any fears or apprehensions I might have! And I am excited for another teen story that I believe will have a happy ending.  And the moments of sadness that I have experienced during this placement as I watch another mother and daughter and hope for them what could have been (and hope will still be some day) for me and my daughter, I have replaced with gratefulness that I have the awesome privilege of walking this family through the days and weeks and months ahead! I am truly a blessed woman to have this job and call in my life!

If God brings them to mind, please pray for this young lady and family.  There will be transition as with any placement. And there will be hard days ahead as they all learn to live and love together as well as grieve what was lost in the past.  Its just part of this crazy journey we call adoption! But oh what an amazing journey it is!

Dear Church, Families Need You

After 14 years of knowing I had a call on my life for adoption, my calling and my church are finally meeting! Crazy, but true! I am super excited to be teaming with other adoptive families in my church to provide support for families in all stages of fostering and adoption!

But as we talk to families, I am aware more and more of the need for the Church (with a Big "C") to educate herself! The stories of families are just heart breaking.  John and I experienced first hand the inability of the Church to deal with the mess that often comes with loving the least of these that He calls us to bring into our home.  When our teenage daughter who had lived with us less than a year became pregnant, the immediate reaction of the church was to kick her out of the youth group.  Church had been my resting place in a time when my home was a battle ground.  And now, my church was a battle ground as well as I fought to have my daughter stay where she would be spiritually fed and not experience the feeling of being an outcast yet again in her life.  Another family shared a story of their small group not wanting them to bring their kids back because they told each other to "shut up", and they didn't want that around the other kids in the small group.  How many of you loving kids from hard places know that some days we are so thankful that "shut up" is all our kids are saying to each other! Can I get an "amen?!" Then there is the single mom who was told that her Autistic son was too much of a "liability" for them to allow in the children's ministry.  So you have a woman who has stepped out in faith to walk in obedience ALONE only to have the Church isolate her even more!

I truly believe that none of the leaders in these churches desired to hurt or wound or cripple families loving on children.  However, whether that was the desire or not, that was the outcome! Church, foster and adoptive families need you! They have stepped out in obedience, they have climbed out of the boat onto the water and are about to experience a storm with waves like they have never known before!  And many are doing this in response to sermons preached by pastors on Orphan Sunday! But they need more than a sermon telling them to do it; they need the Body of Christ wrapping around them not shoving them under the water!

What is the answer? I believe it is in education!  I believe church leaders need to understand the needs of these families and educate themselves and the staff or volunteers working with these children about the special needs of a child with a history of abuse and trauma.  There are amazing resources out now.  Get on YouTube and watch anything with Dr. Karyn Purvis.  Read Adopted for Life by Dr. Moore.  Read Wounded Children Healing Homes by Schooler, Smalley and Callahan.  These will give you a feel for what the families you are charged by God with shepherding are experiencing in their day to day life of loving these children and trying desperately to show them the love of Christ!

And to those churches who are already doing this, THANK YOU! I know there are many who are building adoption ministries from the ground up and are ensuring the education and training are in place with staff and volunteers before preaching the sermon encouraging families to answer the call to bring God's children home! Keep up the good work!

Lastly, to families who were wounded by the Church because she didn't know how to respond to your needs or your children as you walk this crazy path of fostering/adopting, on behalf of the Church let me say, I am truly sorry! I know the wounds can run deep and the hurt can be unbearable.  Please allow God to apply His healing balm to your heart and find a Body of believers to connect with who will walk with you!  God never intended for us to do this alone! It is a heavy and exhausting work that you have taken on, and you need others to hold up your arms from time to time.  Orphan care ministries are popping up all over our great country as more and more people answer the call to adopt and understand the needs that go with that.  Try to find one....and if you can't, start one! Just maybe you are the answer your Body of believers needs in this area.....

From Mimi to Mommy

It is here. The day that I will officially go from Mimi to Mommy.  I have been in the role of mommy for some months now, but today it will be a legal, final title.

As John and I sat and talked about it, we both agreed that there are no words for the emotions.  This is our 5th time to go before officials and declare our desire to make a child not born to us our legal child as if they were.  There has always been such an excitement and grand anticipation of this day before.  But this time is different.  This time, that declaration carries with it such a heavy burden.

My road from Mimi to Mommy is a long and twisty one.  The road started with a simple nod.

"So, are you pregnant?" And then the head nod that would turn my world upside down.

It took time, but we worked through it.  We accepted that the daughter we had just taken in as our daughter, was now going to be a mother.  And we were going to be grandparents...at 38 years young! The months ahead were spent trying to prepare a young girl how to be a woman and mother.  I am sure we made many mistakes! But I know we did the best we could with what we knew and what we had to offer.  And I know above all else, that we went to God with every decision we had to make and every questions we had about what was next over those weeks and months!  He has been so faithful!  I held my daughter's hand as she gave birth to her daughter on July 18, 2012. It was an emotional day for all of us! No matter what our past was, a new life had been born!  A life God created with a purpose and a plan, a hope and future that was good! And a Mimi was born!

I would only get to love on my sweet girl for 5 weeks before she would leave our home when her mother ran away with her.  It was one of the darkest and most confusing times of my life.  Again, I am sure we made many mistakes, but we did the best we could with what we had and what we knew at that time.  I would kiss her sweet face as she slept in a car seat that her mother carried as she walked out of the police station a few days later not knowing when or if I would ever see them again.  I had to turn her totally and completely over to God! I would have worried myself into complete dysfunction if I had not just rolled her safety and well being over to God and left it with Him. Some days seemed unbearable.  Others just left me in a heap of tears with aching arms to hold my daughter and my grandbaby. 

We would only see her three or four times for just minutes at a time over the next 10 months.  When we did see her, we were strangers.  The joy of getting to see her was always met with the reality and heartbreak that she had no clue who we were!  It was an agonizing pain like none I had ever known.  And I was powerless to do anything about it.  During those months we heard through the grapevine that we were going to be grandparents again.

On June 11, 2013 I once again stood in a delivery room as a baby boy would enter this world!  He didn't want to breathe at first.  I stood over him while he was in the warmer speaking life and praying complete health over him as nursery nurses were called up in case he became distressed.  After what seemed like an eternity, they allowed us to hold him and felt confident he was going to be just fine. 

We spent the next three weeks trying to build a relationship with our daughter and her new family.  God would use this time to bring truth to light in a way that can only be accredited to Him! And on July 3 we received a phone call that we never dreamed we would receive.  Our grandbabies had been left with John's parents.  CPS would be coming to get them after the holiday to determine where they would be placed.  The next hours were a blur as God literally lit each and every step for us to take! We learned things in minutes that I had never heard in years of a career with children! And on July 5, a judge granted us full custody of our two grandbabies.  We now had 8 children in our home ages 13, 12, 8, 7, 3, 23 months, 11 months, and 3 weeks. 

We intervened only to keep them safe.  Our plan was for our daughter to get settled and the children return to her.  From the time we found out she was pregnant, we had made it our goal to support and equip her to be a mother to her children.  God would orchestrate a move half way across Texas just weeks after we gained custody of the babies.  So we left all our support system and moved with 8 children, four of whom were 3 and under.  It was the hardest year of my life! John and I looked at each other on more than one occasion and said, "We can't do this!"  But when we would stop to pray about it, God would always take us back to how they came to be with us.  There was No. Way. that could have happened outside of God orchestrating all the events just as He did.  And what option did we have?  If there had been any other way to keep them safe, we would have done it.  But God made it clear, their place was with us. The enemy tried in so many ways to convince us we couldn't or shouldn't do it.  But God was faithful to always bring us back to how they came to us, and remind us that He has a plan and a purpose for them...and that is ultimately whey they are with us.  We are to raise them to be His children for His kingdom purposes!

We would learn that a third grandbaby was on his way into the world.  After much prayer and consideration, we agreed that the two babies needed to stay with us in order to secure a permanent, stable home.  And again, God made a way where we saw No. Way.  In March 2014, relinquishment papers were signed allowing us to be free and clear to legally adopt the children ensuring that they will stay with us.  And just like that my role changed from Mimi to Mommy. 

It sounds so cut and dry.  And I guess on legal papers, it is.  But in my heart, it is anything but easy or cut and dry.  I should be excited about tomorrow!  And on some level I am.  I am excited that legally, there will be nothing that can take these two precious ones out of my home.  I am excited that there will be legal paperwork to support what I already know in my heart...they are mine. But it also is a death of a dream.  A dream of getting to be Mimi to two precious children while I watched their mother, my daughter, raise them.  It means realizing that they will have to wrestle one day with how and why their Mimi had to become their Mommy.  There will be hard questions.  There will be brokenness that will have to be healed.  I always said when we started fostering that the emotions I had during the process were just unnatural.  I did not know what to do with the emotions as there are no files in my brain to put them in because they are just not natural feelings. In a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption!  There would be no orphans.  This process has been much like that.  There are just no files to sort out the emotions that come.  There will be deep mourning over my daughter losing her role as mother for her children.  And that breaks my heart in ways I never even knew it could break.

But as I think about last night when Ella (formerly Peighton) played on the stairs at the restaurant where we were eating, I get excited about tomorrow!  Why?  Because while playing on the stairs, she did a free fall about three steps up for Callie to catch her!  No bid deal, you think?  It is a HUGE. DEAL.  It showed trust!  The little girl who came to live with us was scared, confused, slept for three days straight, and cried just about non stop!  But before me stood a confident, trusting, giggling little girl who just gets to be a little girl! And that makes me happy.  And that makes all the sacrifices worth it!

And DJ, well you can ask anyone who knows him! He has a light in him that shines bright! And his smile can melt a heart in an instant! He is my boy!

Even as I sat down to really process things before we head to court, God showed up! I was going to look up the scriptures He had given me for Ella last year about this time.  I knew they were in Isaiah but would have to do some looking to find exactly where.  But as I opened my Bible to look, it opened to the exact page with the scriptures marked with her name! It was just one more encouragement from God that we are doing the right thing for them.

Today, the third time that we have scheduled court, we are FINALLY going to make this official! This Mimi is becoming their Mommy! And because EVERY adoption should be celebrated, I am going to do my best to lay aside why we are at this place and celebrate the fact that I have two more arrows in my quiver who are a blessing from God in order for me to train and equip them for their Kingdom purposes! The road has not been an easy one, but today, I lay it all down and embrace the title of Mommy with thanksgiving, excitement and joy!

What Frozen Taught Me About My Children From Hard Places

Like most of you, I am sure, we own Frozen.  And like most of you, we have watched it 1,439 times.  Madison can almost quote it word for word! We hadn't watched it in a while, and she asked to watch it the other day.  I have to admit, I really like do like the movie...and the songs!  I can relate to a lot of the sentiment in Let it Go! And to be honest, I usually join in the crooning with Madison and the other toddlers when the songs come on during the movie!  But this time as "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" played, I was struck by the scene where the father is putting the gloves on Elsa's hands.  With a smile on his face showing that he truly only has Elsa's best interest at heart, he slips the glove on her hand and says, "Conceal it" which Elsa finishes with "Don't feel it".  Then in unison, they say, "Don't let it show."

I was immediately struck by just how much of a picture that is in so many homes where we have children with a history of trauma!  How many times have we handed our kids "gloves" to put over their hurts and simply said, conceal it.  Don't feel it.  And they repeat, "Don't let it show!" Just like Elsa's father, we have the best intentions, right?  We want to protect our children from the hurts they have suffered in the past, and we want to protect our children from what other people will think of them, or if we are really honest, what other people will think of us if they "show" their true colors by acting out in their hurt or wounds. "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show!"

With that thinking in mind, I rewind the disc and listen to more of this scenario and am brought to tears as I think of how I have reacted at times to my children.  As soon as the parents throw open the door to the ballroom and see Elsa holding a limp Anna and ice all around, the father in a very stern voice says, "Elsa! What have you done?!" Immediately Elsa feels guilty, sad and starts trying to explain.  What had she done? She had been innocently playing with her sister and accidentally injured her by over zealously using her power in fun.  How many times have my children been snapped at simply because they were acting in fun and because of their past trauma didn't realize they were hurting someone?  Have I stopped and given them time to explain?  Have I stopped and explained to them that I am not mad or upset with them, but just explain why the behavior is not ok? Have I stopped and given them an opportunity to empathize with the person they hurt and then apologize for hurting them? The parents do what many of us do in a crisis with our children from trauma...we scoop them up and take them to the specialist, right?! This is a very loving and logical act.  But sometimes we get poor advice from "specialists" and sometimes maybe perhaps we over reacted to good advice.  The specialist tells the father that there is beauty in Elsa's gift, but there is also real danger and fear is her enemy.  The dad immediately starts spewing all he will do to protect her...and it ends in complete isolation.  Again, this is a father with the most loving intentions toward his daughter, but in his haste and perhaps his own fear of the opinion of others, makes decisions that actually reinforces the one thing that makes the matter worse...fear. "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

Then we see the "other" daughter outside the door begging Elsa to come out and play.  Her memory has been wiped clean of all that has happened.  I see Anna as many children in families who are accepting the call to love the orphaned and are having to experience the pain and frustration of sharing their home with children from hard places.  Anna has no idea why all of a sudden Elsa cannot come out and play.  Anna is deeply wounded when Elsa tells her to go away, because Anna just does not understand Elsa!  Elsa has no desire to wound Anna.  Again, her fears, her isolation requires her to shove Anna away when what she wants more than anything is to throw open the doors and build the snowman with Anna!  I see this so many times in families.  Children already in the home come into these situations with expectations of adding an older brother or sister that they have always longed for to their family.  Or they are finally getting that little sibling they have always wanted to care for.  Then when that child with all his trauma induced behavior arrives, the dreams shatter quickly.  Neither child is at "fault"! It is just a side effect of children who have been abused and neglected and children who have been loved and nurtured learning to live in harmony in the same family.  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the potential immaturity of an "older" sibling?  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the outbursts and stiff armed shoves of the younger child who doesn't know how to let anyone love or care for or nurture them?  Are we teaching our children empathy as these incidents occur?  Or are we taking the "side" of our children already in the home and becoming offended with them at the immature, illogical and at times irrational behaviors of the children from trauma? Are we making room for our wounded children to learn how to interact with others or are we simply putting them in a room, locking the door and asking them to do the same?  "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

From the first time I saw the movie, the wisdom in the troll when he says, "you are lucky it was not her heart.  The heart cannot be so easily changed, but the mind, it can be persuaded," has struck me as profound!  When these children come into our homes, we "know" they are safe! But the thing is, until they "know" they are safe, it really doesn't matter what we "know".  And even if they "know" in their head this is a safe place, the healing doesn't start until the heart knows it's a safe place! And the heart cannot be so easily changed.

But here is the good news, the heart CAN. BE. CHANGED! How?  We have to teach them to LET. IT. GO!  Listen to the words of that song with your children from trauma in mind! We know there is a storm raging inside of them!  In order for them to come to healing, we have to allow them to take off the gloves, feel what they really feel and deal with what all that means! That means we may have to let them "freeze" a few things in the process.  We may end up with some ice castles and disasters in the wake of them learning to handle their thoughts and emotions from their past.  But when we do, oh the beauty we will see!  They will begin to use their wounds to make ice sculptures instead of weapons! We will begin to see them blossom into the children God intended them to be! They are worth redeeming!  They are worth whatever it takes to redeem this generation!

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result...." Genesis 50:20


** Disclaimer: If you, like me see this and have remorse over how you have responded at times to your children from trauma because you were worn out, tired or just plain on edge, do not let this bring guilt!  Repent, and move on! Wipe your own slate clean and giver yourself a fresh start just like you do your children! Go give that child a great big hug!  If the offense against them occurred recently, go apologize for losing it with them or reacting negatively.  You might just be surprised how far an apology will go! And most of all, know You. Are. Not. Alone!

Adoption Ministry - A Mandate

November is National Adoption Month.  I have so many blog posts rattling around in my head that I would love to get out in words this month about adoption, but for today the one that just has to get out is what I heard in a church orphan care leadership meeting yesterday.....

My pastor invited me to go with him to The Keep.  It is a new ministry that supports churches who are starting orphan care ministries.  They are doing it right!  As a foster mother, adoptive mother and adoption professional, I sat amazed as they walked us through the process. They have covered all the bases that many times get left behind. They kept saying you can't just preach the emotional sermon, you have to provide the reality based support to the families who answer the call!  YES! YES!!! YES!!!!!!

But one thing that stuck with me more than any other is that they kept saying over and over that orphan care is a mandate! James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  

They kept asking the pastors in the room, "Do you have a music ministry? Do you have a children's ministry? Do you have a youth ministry?" Of course the answer to all those questions was "yes". But then when asked "do you have an orphan ministry?" the majority did not.  The facilitators then boldly asked "why not?!" None of the other ministries are mandated, but orphan care is.  They made the point that we must change Church culture!

As I sat working today and reading a profile of a brother and sister both under 8 years old that their case worker e-mailed saying they have staffed (that means selected a forever family for the children) four times, but every time the family backs out after they read the profile.  I looked at their faces, and the tears just came.  The dam broke! 

We have 140,000 children in the USA who are legally free for adoption, but they remain fatherless, orphans! We have over 300,000 churches in the USA...do the math!  

I get it!  I do!  I read the files almost every day.  They are terrifying!  What am I going to do with the child who gets violent when they get upset? How would that child affect my other children already in the home?  Can I tell you how? It will completely mess them up! Our family has been wrecked by adoption!  I don't just read the files, I live them daily with my precious children. 

With one of our kiddos, it was the attorney, and with another it was the pediatrician.  The "professional" who tried to make us see the reality of what we were doing by continuing to go through with the adoption. "Do you know what this might mean for your family?" "Do you know what this might mean for your future?" "Do you understand adoption means you are taking them on as if they were your own?" My answer is always the same....YES!  I know what it could mean! Do you know what it means if I say "NO"?! This is a child without a mother! If I am not going to be his/her mother, then who will be?

There are 140,000 children in the USA looking in a mirror tonight as they brush their teeth asking, "Who will be my mother?"

Their files are messy!  Their actions are not desirable.  But as one of my amazing adoptive mothers I am working with put it, my file is messy too!  What if Jesus had read my file knowing how my actions would hurt Him, hurt and tarnish other sons and daughters of his, and so decided I wasn't worth it?

But He didn't!  He said I was worth it!  We looked at the "files" of our kids, and we said "you are worth it!"  And our children in our home now have a culture of adoption!  They ask us to adopt more children every time they hear of a child who needs a home!  What is a foreign concept to much of my generation, is a natural part of life to the generation coming after me!

They get the mandate.....but the epidemic is spreading in exponential growth....we can't wait for this generation coming to solve the problem! You...me...the Church of today, we have to get the mandate!

God help us if we do not hear the cries of His children!  There is something that everyone can do!  If you need resources, let me know!  Even if adoption is not what you feel called to, do something....anything!  If you call yourself a son or daughter of God, then it is your mandate!

They didn't deserve it and neither do you...but love them anyway

So I am reading reports and evaluations on some kiddos today in hopes of one of my families being a great match as a forever family.  This is one of the hardest parts of my jobs.  I have to read all that these kids have suffered before, and often after, they came into the system we call child "protection".  One particular answer by one of the children has left me in a puddle of tears at my desk.  She is less than 10, and is asked why she came into care.  Her answer: "Because I lied about something."

Oh Jesus, how?  How do we do this to our children?  This precious child of God beleives in her heart that she is in a system that moves her every few months because of something she did!  I am sure worker after worker, and therapist after therapist have told her numerous times that she is in care because of nothing that she did!  But you see these kids are ripe for the enemy's taking!  Because of what the adults in their lives have done or chosen over them, they have a huge void that the enemy runs in and says "It's all your fault!"  They believe in the core of themselves that they are so horendous that no one could love them...not even their own mother or father.

But my tears don't stop for just her, although I could cry a river just on that alone.  My tears stream down my face for all of my friends who are loving these kids!  You see when these kids come into our homes, they are there not because of anything that is their own fault, but becuase of choices of others.  And because of those choices of others, these children behave in ways that can be very hurtful.  They don't know how to love.  They don't know how to trust.  They don't know how to receive love either.  They didn't deserve what these adults did to them...

And the ripple does not stop with these kids.  It now extends to foster and adoptive moms and dads and brothers and sisters who are trying with all that is within them to love this little girl!  Yet in return they get "I hate you!" or they get little jabs like "I love you but not as much as my real mom" or "you're not my family".  Oh friends, they don't mean it!  And even if on some level they do mean it, they don't understand what they are saying!  ...and you don't deserve what the decicions of these adults are not doing to you and your family as you once knew it!

Stay the course!  Do something to give yourself some oxygen!  But don't believe the lies the enemy has told these kids and now wants to scream at you too!  You may very well be the only Jesus they see!  You may be the only true, unconditional love they ever know.  So when they have ripped your heart out, torn it into a million pieces and thrown the pieces back in your face, will you gather those pieces up and take them to your Heavenly Father who sees and knows your pain.  Will you allow Him to mend your heart so that you can then help mend theirs?!  She believes she is in your home because she lied about something...and she believes as soon as she does something just bad enough to you, she will move again.  Hold on moms and dads!  Hold those wounded children and show them the love they may not even know they need.

And if you are not one of these moms or dads loving these children who are in or have been in our foster system, go find someone who is!  Take them a meal, but even better yet, do what you need to in order to give them a child free night just so they can breath again!  Yes, they need prayer, but they need so much more than just your prayers!  They need Jesus with skin on!

And if you are not one of these moms and dads, but God has been calling you into this crazy thing we call adoption, DO IT!  There is a girl who thinks she is in the system because she lied about something!  She needs you to teach her the Truth of God's unconditional and merciful love!  She needs that Truth not just to heal and survive the cruel world she has lived in for her short life, but she needs it to secure her eternity!  If not you, then who?

Lessons on God, Others and Pain from a Slinky!

God uses some of the craziest things to speak to me sometimes!  And this evening in the craziness of getting everyone ready and in bed was one of those times!

Ava had gotten a purple plastic slinky at the dentist today. Side note here.  I took the 7 youngest kids to the dentist by myself today.  Callie was home with a stomach virus so she didn't make her appointment.  Can I tell you that I didn't make it?  After the three year old's complete melt down over having to pick only "one" toy from the toy chest, I sent the SOS telling John to get home ASAP! Just keeping it real! Which really just makes this message all the more relevant on some levels!

Back to the subject.  Ava had chosen the purple plastic slinky as her toy at the dentist.  During the bed time routine, one of the younger ones brings it to me.  It is a mangled mess.  I ask the deliverer of the slinky what happened.  The deliverer of the slinky proceeds to tell me that said child and one of the other children broke it.  I immediately thought of how heart broken Ava will be when she discovers that her prize has been demolished.  I start working feverishly to untangle the mess.  I twist this way.  I turn that way.  But no matter what I do, I can't undo it.  I get a few kinks out, but it is still a tangled mess and looks nothing like the slinky Ava had chosen from the treasure chest....and for the most part is rather useless in this state.

As I was trying to untangle all the plastic curves, God whispered to the deepest part of my soul "This is how I feel when others hurt  you!"  You see, I knew the hurt it was going to cause Ava to discover that her siblings had ruined her toy.  But no amount of wishing or working could erase that two people had exercised free will to destroy something that was not theirs.  No amount of love or desire to protect could keep my two children from hurting my other child. I would have given anything for them to not have done that to her toy.  But even in all my power as the mother of all three children, I could not undo what two had chosen to do in their free will.

The majority of the pain and difficulties in my life over the past 10 years, but truly the last 3, have come as a result of decisions of other people.  I have my own consequences to own due to my own sin and disobedience, but there are many deep, deep wounds that are the results of others.  So many times in the moments when I am truly honest with myself and God, I cry out, "WHY?! Why would you let them do that?  Why would you allow me to hurt in that way?"  And in that moment of untangling a mingled purple plastic toy, God showed me that he never allowed it and that He hurt too!  He showed me that He would have done anything to stop and now to "undo" what His children had chosen in free will to do that caused me pain.  But He showed me that just as my love and desire to shield Ava from the hurt could not stop or undo what had been done by others in free will, so could He not undo what was done to me in free will.

So if you are struggling right now with pain that has been caused by the choices of others, can I tell you that God hurts with you! He is clear in His Word that free will is the way of this world.  He will not force Himself or His ways on anyone.  That person that hurt you was operating out of their own selfish desires.  God did not choose what happened, and He hurts with you now.  He wants to walk through healing with you. He wants to take the pain that was caused by others and use it for His good!

When Ava discovered that her slinky was a tangled mess, she was indeed heartbroken.  As her mother, I responded the only way I knew how to ease her pain, "I will buy you a new one when we find one to undo what had been done."  Can I tell you that God is standing by ready to make new whatever has happened to you?  Can He totally erase what you have been through?  No!  But He does promise in His Word that what the enemy meant for your destruction, He will turn around for your good!  Will you let Him do that today?  Let Him unravel your purple plastic twisted mess and make you knew again!  He hurts where those have hurt you!  Let Him apply His healing balm to those wounds and make you new again!

"Then shall your light break forth like the morning, and your healing (your restoration and the power of a new life) shall spring forth speedily; your righteousness (your rightness, your justice, and your right relationship with God) shall go before you [conducting you to peace and prosperity], and the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:8

They Had a Life Before Gotcha Day

There have been several posts on my news feed about school assignments that are common where they ask for a baby picture and ask questions for which we as adopted parents often do not have answers.  These moments are painful - for them and for us! I know for me they are a reminder that no matter how much I love my children, that love cannot take away the fact that they are adopted.  As hard as we try to make being adopted a very special thing in our family (to the point that Callie used to cry that she was not adopted and hated being biological! Oops! Guess we went overboard at first!), being adopted still means there are missing pieces to the puzzle of their lives. And these assignments pour salt in that wound.

So what do we do with them? As is the case with just about any adoption related discussion, I do not think there is a one-size-fits-all answer.  I think it depends on your child and how he feels about being adopted.  How comfortable is he with that discussion?  But no matter how you decide to handle it, can I encourage you to not send a message that I fear many of us do without even knowing it? Please be careful to not send the message that his life began on Gotcha Day!

I love the Gotcha Day celebrations.  I think celebrating the day our children became a part of our family is something special and definitely worth celebrating!  However, that is not when my children's lives began! They were born somewhere to someone.  Depending on when they came to us they may have had weeks, months or years of life before we even knew about them.  Can I tell you that Gotcha Day doesn't erase that! It sounds absurd, I know.  But how many times when our children ask us something, or an assignment asks us something, do we revert back to something we "know" or something we feel comfortable talking about, which doesn't usually include all the missing pieces that we don't have from their life before us.

I had not really thought of it this way until we adopted a teenager.  She would get angry when we would talk about anything that happened before she came.  We had to have a conversation about the fact that even though I hated that it took 15 years for us to find her, we did have a life before she was in our family. This was hard for her to understand until I asked her if she would be happy if I told her she could not talk about anything during the first 15 years of her life because it made me too sad that I missed it?  I was asking her the question, but really, I heard my voice asking me, "So do you not want to talk about anything that happened for the past 15 years if you are not comfortable talking about her birth mom?"  Ouch!

So what do we do with the school assignments with the questions for which we don't have answers, or the dinner conversations with other kids that are about first words or first foods?  I am not saying I have the answer, but I don't think the answer is to pretend like it didn't happen because it's too painful for us to not have answers! I don't think we need to always revert to Gotcha Day as their beginning just because it's when they began with us.  They did have first words even if we don't know what they are! They did take a first step even if we don't know when it happened! They were a baby even if we don't have a picture!  And while I would love to e-mail every teacher from now until they graduate and tell them that adopted kids have a very hard time with these assignments and it's very insensitive to assign them, that's not the real world.  I cannot follow my adopted children around their entire lives telling people they are adopted so please do not ask them anything about their life before Gotcha Day.

When we talk about those things in our family, we talk about what "could have been" the first word or the first food.  We look at pictures of babies and see if we can find some that look similar and laugh about if they would have that kind of hair or were that chubby. For Toben we have babies who are being carried on their backs and talk about how he probably rode like that on his mamma's back. Is it painful sometimes to not have answers? Yes! But does it change the reality to not talk about it? No! And maybe it's the realist in me, but I would rather them learn to handle the unknowns in their life while they are with me and we can do it together! And what I always want to communicate to them is that their life is perfectly planned and orchestrated by God, their days were numbered before even one came to be - even the days before I entered their lives, even the days before Gotcha Day!

Stricter Abortion Law: We can't ignore the ripples

Texas has passed the most restrictive abortion law of any state yet.  The new regulations will go into effect the end of this month.  Before I get into this, let me make clear that I am most definitely pro-life.  I am against abortion.  I believe God is the giver of all life and should be the one who decides when life should end.  Maybe I will blog another time about why I believe that.  Really, it goes beyond my faith! I decided at 11 years old I was pro-life before I really knew anything about my faith!

When the battle over the legislation was in full force I did my share of Facebook shares of the information.  I asked my state representatives and senator to support the bill.  And I can say with some certainty that the results of the now law that I will discuss here most likely saved a baby in my own family.  I believe in it.  I am thankful for it.

However, I fear most who marched on the steps of the Texas Capital or posted their support from their computer on Facebook celebrated once the bill passed into law, but now what? You see the bill being passed was the pebble...or quite possibly the boulder...that was thrown into the lake.  But the ripples are just now starting!  There are consequences of legislation.  There will no doubt be babies saved because this stricter legislation has shut down abortion clinics.  Praise God! Women's lives will also be saved as stricter regulations will provide for cleaner and more professional settings for those who do choose to abort a baby. You can read about some of the ripples already starting in DallasNews and the Star-Telegram.  The effects are real.

But there is more.  I sat talking to one of our adoptive families right after the legislation passed.  This is a family who is not looking for a baby. They are one of my heroes who are committed to providing a home for one or two of the older kids who wait in our foster system.  But in our conversation, the husband made a comment that left a knot in my stomach.  He said something like, "The agency is going to explode now with all the babies that aren't aborted!"  I can honestly say I had not thought of that.  But since that day, it has not left me.

Here's the facts.  The legislation will no doubt prevent some abortions.  Babies will be saved.  But what then?  What happens to that baby?  Most women who are considering abortion are in that place because they feel unprepared to parent a child for a multitude of reasons.  So what do we do now with a mom who doesn't want to be a mom?  Let me stop here and say that I know there will be many, probably most, women who by the end of their pregnancy will have come to a place where they are grateful they did not abort and will have made whatever changes or sacrifices needed to be made to go on to be amazing mothers for their new baby.  I don't believe nor intend to allude here that all babies not aborted will not be parented by the women who birth them.  But what about those who aren't?

If those of us on the pro-life side are sitting back thinking the work is done, well, we are clueless.  If we think for one minute that the pro-choice activists are not watching every statistic in our state - child abuse numbers, Women, Infant and Children's Nutrition numbers, Child Protective Services numbers, infant mortality numbers - then we are more than naive.  All of this will be monitored.  If we don't provide an intervention for those babies that this law saves, then we have failed.  I fear that most see the law as the victory, and they are done.  But really, the work has only begun!

This is how it looks in my world.  Eight of the nine children who I am raising should have been aborted by most pro-choice standards.  Only one of my children was a planned pregnancy, and the other eight were God-given blessings with un-planned pregnancies.  Six of those eight children met most if not all of the bullet points for why women should abort.  They were in poverty, some were into drugs and other detrimental habits.  One of my children was conceived after two pregnancies had been terminated by abortion.  Only by God's grace does this child breath life! I remember being in high school and being in the abortion debate in my government class.  My teacher was pro-choice.  There were several of us in the class who were pro-life, and we were all very outspoken about it.  I will never forget during one of the debates, Ms. Fowler said, "I wish all those who want to keep these babies alive would put their money where their mouth is and raise them instead of letting the government do it."  I was highly offended that day, but even deep down in the gut of a immature high school girl, I knew she had a point.  I have no idea where Ms. Fowler is today, but I would love to tell her that I have to agree with her now! Not much I can say that about, but on that fact, I agree! And I would love to look her in the eyes and say, I put my money, my time, my life where my mouth is! Thank you for the challenge!

I am sure many would say, "there are so many families waiting for a baby, that will not be a problem!"  Maybe so, but what about those babies who are born with the birth defects? What about the babies who are born addicted to drugs?  What about the babies who have been exposed to alcohol and you have no way of knowing just what that fact will mean for you or your child until they are older?  Very few of those waiting families are willing to take those babies.  And what about the babies that don't look like those families?  You know, the darker ones that are already difficult for agencies to place with families.  I don't mean to offend anyone here, but it does us no good to ignore reality!

Let me take it a step further.  What about the 13,000 children who are currently in the foster system in Texas whose parents did choose life?  Obviously those parents were not ready to be parents for some reason or their children would not be in the custody of the state.  Some of those parents will get another chance, and their children will be returned.  What about the ones that will not be returned?  What about the over 6,000 children who right now sit in the foster system with parents' rights terminated ready to be adopted.....but no families to adopt them?  Their parents chose life when legislation didn't dictate it.  What are we doing about it?

"We" is such a vague word, isn't it.  It's kind of like "they".  So who is "we"?  Well, in this case, I would say "we" starts with anyone who wrote a letter, posted on their Facebook page, marched on the lawn, or otherwise supported the legislation to provide stricter abortion laws in any way.  You are "we"!  Thank you for your part in getting the legislation passed! I sincerely mean that! I am thankful!  But you can't stop there!  You have to now provide an answer for those parents who choose life because abortions are no longer readily available!  We have to provide a solution to the ripples coming from the pebble that was tossed!

But honestly, the "we" is much bigger than that group of people.  And really, this is the "we" I want to reach out to here! The bigger "we" is the Church! Are we not called to provide answers to a lost world?  Is the Church not called to care for the least of these?  First John 3:17-18 says it best, "But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." My question is when is the Church going to quit talking about it and start doing it? There are over 6,000 children in Texas waiting on you!  You realize that it would take less than one family per church in the state to adopt in order to completely empty the state of Texas of waiting children?  That is insane!  What are we waiting for? If you are not convinced, read James 1:27, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."  

If this legislation becomes the basis to fight all other legislation in every other state because we, the Church, does not stand up with answers to these girls who are in crisis pregnancies, then we have failed.  Will you help?  Will you take this message to your church leaders?  Will you take the initiative to look up an adoption agency in your area?  Friends in Midland or Odessa and surrounding areas in West Texas, we would gladly send an Addy's Hope representative to speak to your pastor or even your congregation about adoption as an educational meeting.  We can give you resources to hand to women in crisis pregnancy.  Adoption should be the last option for these girls.  We can help give you resources to put in their hands to give them every opportunity to parent.  If they are still unable to parent, we would love to provide them with the option of adoption by a Christian family!  If you are in the Dallas or Fort Worth area, I can come speak to your pastor and/or congregation.  Help spread the word that the battle over abortion is not over in Texas, but I believe it has just started!  Let's give our fellow pro-life warriors in other states numbers to support pro-life legislation in their state!  And in the mean time, we will be saving a generation from the hands of the enemy.  And in my books, that is a win/win deal!

If you need resources for a woman in crisis pregnancy or would like more information on how to be the answer to the children already here and needing a family, I would be happy to help.  You can reach me by e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com or by phone at 432.897.1503.  Our website is under construction, but will be a great resource very soon! If you are a pastor reading this, please take a Sunday night, Wednesday night or at least the corner of your bulletin or a flash on your screen for announcements to educate your congregation on the answers to crisis pregnancies and the need for adoptive families for children in foster care! 

We, the Church, have The Answer! It's time we start sharing it in more ways than just inside our church walls! Let's be the answer! 

A little of our story....

As we start a new season, we meet people who don't know our story.  As I was thinking about what took us from Liberia to waiting children right here in the US, I remembered that I had written a piece for our Addy's Show Playbill.  It tells a bit about the path that God put us on to get us here...and my heart about these children.  So here it is:

Welcome to the first ever Addy's Show! Thank you for coming and supporting Addy's Hope and our efforts to find homes for the waiting children of Texas. 

Four years ago John and I were asked to take a two year old little boy as a foster placement.  We asked to visit him before giving an answer on the placement. Walking out of the "emergency shelter" that housed 25 children ages 5 years old and younger right here in Midland, Texas, I was forever changed.  I had been in many orphanages in Africa, but had no idea there was one in my own backyard.  It was that visit that brought John and I to the realization of the orphan crisis right here in Texas! I soon learned that over 6,000 children were waiting in our foster system for adoptive families.  I then learned there were no adoption fees to adopt these children and most qualify for adoption subsidies that will continue until their 18th birthday. They receive free college tuition to any state school in Texas and have medicaid coverage for medical expenses even after the adoption is finalized.  We knew we could not take this information and simply walk away from it.  Once made aware of an injustice, you can no longer plead ignorance as reason to ignore the crisis.  John and I answered the crisis by adopting a waiting child personally and also by making a commitment to work with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services to recruit and train families to bring God's orphans home!

James 1 says that we are to be "doers" and not merely "hearers" of the Word.  Please do not leave here as a man who looks in a mirror and walks away forgetting what he saw.  These children need you! Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone can do something!  Help us spread the word about the crisis of these children in our social welfare system.  Read the statistics in the halls between their pictures.  We have to stop this cycle now.  The future of our nation hinges on us getting these children into families and changing their destination.  We need financial supporters to help us keep our program running since families do not pay adoption fees, and the fees paid by the state do not cover the hours it takes to train and support a family through an entire adoption process and beyond.  You can also be a team member for a family who is adopting.  Team members provide meals, babysit, clean a house or just listen when parents need an empathetic ear.  There is some way that every one can be a part of finding families for these children!  We truly believe there are no unwanted children, only unfound families.  We need your help finding homes for these children!  

The children you have met tonight in the pages you are holding and in the halls as you walked into the theater need you.  Please consider how you can help.  If you would like more information on how to adopt one of these children, call me at 432.897.1503 or send me an e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com.  Together, we can empty the foster system of these waiting children and answer God's call to bring His children home!  

I would like to personally thank all of our sponsors! Without you, this would still be only a dream!  The playbill you hold as well as all the amazing publications for tonight were the work of the amazingly talented Rachel Austin and Eric Huecker! Rachel & Eric, your support of our work and your heart for these children blesses me and spurs me on in the work that I do! Thank you!  Holly Bartlett, thank you for stuffing and mailing countless support letters to help make tonight as successful as possible!  Skip Ziegler, your knowledge and love of technology has made Addy's Show high tech tonight.  Thank you for using your talents for God's children.  Katie Bailey, we did it!  Thank you for having this vision and putting in the work it took to make it a reality! I am forever grateful for all you have done for Addy's Hope.  And to our amazing cast, there are no words to express my gratitude for the countless hours you have spent in preparation! I pray God's blessing on you and your families for the sacrifices made to make tonight possible! You have played a part in every child that finds a home from the fires that are sparked tonight! To my children, Paizley, Callie, Noah, Toben, Ava, Madison & Journey, thank you for letting me tell your stories! Thank you for loving being the "weird" family as much as I do!  I love you to the moon and back! John, thank you for taking this journey with me! Thank you for supporting our family so I can chase my calling! Thank you for saying "yes" to God and getting the ball rolling for Addy's Hope nine years ago when I still thought it was impossible!  Thank you for wiping the tears I cry for the children I serve and always reminding me why we do this thing we do.  I love you!  And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting me with the call of Your children.  I pray tonight has been pleasing to You, and I ask that you leave the faces of these children imprinted on those You have brought here tonight until they all have homes!