Why We Are Not Praying for Healing for Ava

Before I share my heart on how God has told us to pray for Ava, let me make one thing very clear - I do NOT believe in anyway that diseases - cancer, addiction, pneumonia, depression, etc... - is sent by God. It is against His character. I DO believe He can heal anything He wants to in an instant - or however He chooses! He is all-powerful, all-mighty, all-knowing, all-loving, and sovereign. These things were settled in my soul and spirit long before the news of Ava's latest diagnosis was presented. 

We prayed for healing of Ava in the beginning when we received the diagnosis of dystonia. We stood on all the scriptures and promises for healing. Yet, every two to three years we would find out she was not healed of that diagnosis and in fact had more going on. It wasn't until 2015 when we received the genetic "disorder" diagnosis that God started working in me to understand His plans for and through Ava.  

I have written before about how God used a friend's baby with Spina Bifida to challenge my worldly view of "healthy" baby. That is a word that is defined on earthly terms. Yet I wrestled with how this precious baby who by all earthly standards was very sick and not "perfect" was knit in the womb that way. It's times like this that I have to stop and wrestle with what my earthly mind has reconciled with the Truth of the Word. In my early years, I would wrestle to make scriptures line up with my earthly circumstances. It wouldn't be until the last 7 or so years that I have learned to stop and make the earthly circumstances line up with the Truth of the Word. So when God said that this friend's precious baby was fearfully and wonderfully made as He knit her in her mother's womb (Psalm 119), I had to realize that Truth is either false, or it is true for every baby - let me stop here and add that there are things that happen in the womb due to a fallen world that greatly affect babies like drugs, alcohol, etc and those things are NOT from God and grieve Him as much as they grieve us! I also want to add that I do not know enough medically about Spina Bifida to know if it's genetic or not - it was just one of the first incidents that God used to challenge my earthly thinking against a heavenly principle!

When doctors suggested that we start genetic testing on Ava four years ago, it opened a whole new dilemma for me in my thinking with Ava. I have known from the beginning that Ava is precious and was sent by heaven with a special purpose. I mean, really ALL kids are! But I don't know that I was really aware of that in my youth when Ava was born. But even in my lack of seasoned knowledge, I felt it in my spirit with her. She was not planned by us! In fact, we had tried to "prevent" her - if you catch what I am throwing! ;) But God's plans cannot be thwarted by man - and thank God they can't! 

My pregnancy with Ava was a gift from the beginning! It would come in the middle of our failed adoption of Eden, and it was assurance that I took care of myself in what at the time was a season of grief like none I had ever experienced in my life! Depression could have easily overtaken me -except there was a life growing and forming inside me that only I could protect. THAT is what kept me going many of those days!

Ava was a perfect baby! She smiled easily and had that light you see in her now from day one! There was no doubt that she was fearfully and wonderfully made!! She was kind of the poster baby for Psalm 119! Even when doctors said something wasn't quite right, I knew she was perfect! What I didn't know was the lesson God was already teaching me. 

Ava was one of those kids who never needed much redirection. She was very compliant and only needed a semi-strong tone and a look of disapproval to stop any misbehavior - and even those mild corrections would break her heart. In our early years of parenting, we spanked as our go to consequence. But I never spanked Ava. I never had to. Her sweet spirit was there and shining from day one!

So how could it be that a thread in the knitting together of her will cause devastation? In our earthly terms, we call this a genetic disorder. Disorder is defined by Webster as "an abnormal physical or mental condition". Abnormal. In earthly terms, then Ava is abnormal - simply because our earthly definition of normal is to compare to each other. The majority defines normal, right? 

But scripture is clear that God compares us to no one! He creates each of us as individuals - carefully designed, uniquely gifted, and wonderfully made! Each characteristic, each gifting, each talent, each one is given to us for our purpose in God's kingdom during our time here on earth! With that as our standard, "abnormal" DOES NOT exist! By that standard - God's standard - Ava does not have a genetic disorder at all! She has a special gifting that God is using for His kingdom purposes! His ways are not our ways! His Word is clear that we with our human minds cannot fathom all He plans and purposes in His sovereignty. 

My standard is what God says. My Truth is settled in heaven. Ava's Truth is settled in heaven. Therefore, we do not believe that she has a disorder to be healed. We see God's love and glory shining in her daily in ways most Christians never allow. Her love of people, her carefree attitude, her determination - those are all on that same DNA that we in the world want to say is flawed simply because she will not follow a pattern this world has determined to be "normal".

I have been in study and prayer since God made clear praying for healing this side of heaven is not what we are to do. It is not a popular sentiment among Spirit Filled Believers. I get that. And I will never stop someone from praying for healing for her - I just don't believe it is in line with what God wills. Psalm 37 says it perfectly:

Keep trusting in the Lord and do what is right in his eyes.
    Fix your heart on the promises of God and you will be secure,    feasting on his faithfulness. Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life,    and he will provide for you what you desire the most.⁵ Give God the right to direct your life,
    you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly! He will appear as your righteousness,
    He will manifest as your justice,
    as sure and strong as the noonday sun.
Quiet your heart in his presence and pray;
    keep hope alive as you long for God to come through for you.





    and as you trust him along the way


    as sure as the dawning of a new day.

I firmly believe when we make God our utmost delight, He gives us His will to pray - and in that way, He can and will provide what we desire the most.

For Ava, I desire that she not suffer. I believe God desires that too! I desire that she not be afraid. I believe God desires that too! We don't pray for healing this side of heaven, but we do ask God to keep her whole. Honestly, my prayer is simply keep her the way she is now, or take her home! To not see the light in her eyes shining from her soul would be more devastating than telling her goodbye. I can say that because when the time comes, we will not mourn as those without hope! When she sees her Savior face-to-face, she will be rejoicing - no fear, no anxiety, no worries, no heart racing, no drooling - just dancing and rejoicing - two of her favorite things!! Why would I want to keep her from that?

I had been praying for a scripture to back up what I felt God was saying - that's a pretty good practice always! :) God will never tell you something that contradicts his Word! It was during a church service on brokenness that a dear woman who had lived with heart issues since birth and is now the recipient of a donor heart shared a verse I had read many times. But as so often happens with God's Word, it was new for me in light of our current journey. It is Luke 9:1-5

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

That is why we are not praying for healing for Ava - because we believe he has spoken very specifically that Ava is how she is to point others to Him! Jesus does go on to heal the blind man - and praise God if he decides to do that of Ava, but even if not, we know Ava's diagnosis is not evil. We know how she is made is from God - and He will be glorified in it no matter the outcome!

We have an army of people praying for Ava, and we are so grateful! Truly, the outpouring of love for Ava and our family has been a sustaining arm in this journey. 

We continue to ask God to use this journey to show His glory to those around us. Ava has done that her entire life! And we believe that is the purpose of this journey we are on! Not to pray healing over her, but to point others to God as we walk with her in her journey to His arms! And if along the way, God chooses to restore her to wholeness, we will rejoice and give Him all the glory for it!

He Gives & Takes Away...even children

I started this blog several weeks ago. Like many posts I  begin in this season of live, it went unfinished. However, God has called me back to this one several times...I think because it is truly a stone of remembrance for me & a point of healing and encouragement for this journey...that I may need to reread down the road. But maybe you needed to hear this too! So here it is!


Sunday was a hard emotional day. John and I both have found that church is where the emotions of what we are walking with Ava tend to bubble to the surface and refuse to be squelched. Something about being in the presence of God surrounded by other believers that make it safe to feel. It's a good thing. It's a healthy thing.

But this Sunday was especially emotional! The worship team played two blast from the past songs that we had not heard in years! One of them was Blessed Be Your Name. This song holds a special place in my story - I was on stage with the worship choir at Stonegate the Sunday after Addy died. It had only been 4 days since we had received the call that would forever change my life - she had contracted cholera from dirty water and died. As that song played that Sunday, and I sang "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord Blessed Be Your Name! When the darkness closes in, still I'm gonna say blessed be your Name!" I remember standing that Sunday, hands raised to the air, tears running down my face in obedience - in faith. That Sunday I didn't really believe the words I sang. I wanted to believe them. I wanted my heart to be able to say with confidence, with sincerity even in my current circumstance of pain, confusion, and suffering - my heart will choose to say Lord Blessed be Your Name. But I could only do the motions hoping my heart, mind, and soul would follow. But in reality, I was angry, confused, wanted to know "why", and was so hurt.

That was 13 years ago! As the song played this past Sunday I did the same thing. I stood - a mom facing another good bye of a child, heart hurting. I stood again hands stretched to she sky, tears streaming down my face my voice singing "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name!" But this time, a smile was on my face - my heart meant the words my mouth sang. In that moment, I was taken back to that stage 13 years prior when my heart ached over my other daughter - my soul wrestled with how a good God could let this happen. My heart wondered how to trust a faithful God that allowed a baby girl to die right before she knew she has a mom. But this time, this Sunday, there was no wrestling. There was no questioning. I stood singing as loudly as I could through the tears and cracking voice that "blessed be your Name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!" And this time, I MEANT IT! 

Pslam 56: 8 & 9 says

Record my misery;
    list my tears on your scroll—
    are they not in your record?
 Then my enemies will turn back
    when I call for help.
    By this I will know that God is for me.

In that moment this past Sunday, I knew in my mind, my spirit, and my heart that God is for ME!All the tears I have cried over earthly circumstances the past 13 years, all the wrestling with how can God be faithful, good, true, loving, when my circumstances say he left, he failed, he doesn't care - all those tears have been recorded - and the song they have written has left me with a confidence in my God being good, true, loving, and faithful! As I sang this Sunday facing similar circumstances - 13 years later - many hard roads later - there was no wrestling. There was no questioning. There was only adoration, thankfulness, and peace - oh sweet peace as I gave my Savior the praise I have come to know He deserves! There is something wonderful about getting older - it's maturity. It's living life enough for scripture to move from head knowledge to heart knowledge! I don't just "believe" the scripture now.  Now the scripture actually defines me! And because of that circumstances no longer define my view of God!

The second blast from the past song was "You Said". We sang that song over and over when we were leading the youth group 18 years ago in Cotton Center! These kids are now adults with families of their own. But we stood in that little country church declaring week after week that whatever we needed, God would provide because He said! We declared that we were asking for the souls of that small town to be turned to God - it's amazing how many of the kids who stood singing those songs with us now walk with the Lord and are teaching their children about Him! Makes my heart smile.

As I was reminiscing on those things, Ava turns and wraps her arms around me to the point that I have to turn to face her so that we are in a full bear hug. She pulls her head back, looks up at me and says, "This is so comfy and safe." I tell her I am so glad through the lump forming in my throat. She lays her head back on my chest and we sway for a few more measures of the song before she pulls her head back again and says, "This is what heaven is like!"

The dam broke. I stood with tears rolling down my cheeks falling into her hair as we held each other swaying to the rest of the song. I wondered just what God was whispering to her - but it felt too sacred to ask. I stood praising Him for encouraging her with His presence and taking away all the fear she may have about her future, and at the same time I stood in awe that He once again was using Ava herself to bring me comfort and peace for the journey. She had nothing but pure joy, peace, excitement on her face as she thought about her home where she will be sooner than any of us had anticipated. There was no fear. No anxiety. No worry. That my friends is the work of an almighty, trustworthy, dependable, faithful, loving, amazing Heavenly Father!

I am quite certain Ava in that moment was living out what Paul describes to us in 2 Corinthians 5:

We are convinced that even if these bodies we live in are folded up at death like tents, we will still have a God-built home that no human hands have built, which will last forever in the heavenly realm.  We inwardly sigh^[a] as we live in these physical “tents,” longing to put on a new body for our life in heaven, … So, while living in this “tent,” we groan under its burden, not because we want to die but because we want these new bodies. We crave for all that is mortal to be swallowed up by eternal life. And this is no empty hope, for God himself is the one who has prepared us for this wonderful destiny. And to confirm this promise, he has given us the Holy Spirit, like an engagement ring, as a guarantee.

That’s why we’re always full of courage. Even while we’re at home in the body, we’re homesick to be with the Master— for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes.  We live with a joyful confidence, yet at the same time we take delight in the thought of leaving our bodies behind to be at home with the Lord.  So whether we live or die^] we make it our life’s passion to live our lives pleasing to him.

An Amen to Remember

I have entered the world of the ink'd ones!

I have been contemplating getting a tattoo for awhile - but wasn't quite ready. But then I learned about starting with amen.

In two short months, John and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage! Because of what we both do professionally, and what our family looks like and stands for, we often are told how people admire us as a couple. I cringe inside just a tad when they do. I want to sit down with them over a cup of coffee and tell them our story.

Anyone who knows me, know transparency is something I strive for. But I also try to balance that with throwing my pearls before swine and constantly being a drama queen as our life has so much drama. And I also understand that my story intersects others' stories. I try to share of mine what I can without invading theirs.

For that reason, I have not shared much about John and my marriage. I hope some day soon we can share our entire testimony! It is a God story for sure! But for now, I am going to have to be a little vague. I know when being vague the mind wonders to the worst case scenario. So I want to say as I share without details that there has never been any type of affair in our marriage. We have struggled with some hard subjects and baggage, but never have either of us gone outside our marriage. I want that stated up front so those reading have that understanding going into it.

We have walked through so much the last eight years. Really our entire 20 years of marriage, but a lot of really hard stuff the last eight. I actually started listing some of it, and the list made this paragraph a novel - so I replaced it with hard. We will leave it at that.

Either one of us could have left, but we didn't. The stress that we walked through in our lives was enough to drive a wedge between any couple. At times it did. At times it made us cling to each other. But through it all there were some underlying issues that we have battled for 20 years. And I was tired.

I think probably it was my midlife crisis. For some reason 44 hit me hard. I did a lot of reflecting. I don't know if it was having a high school graduate. I don't know if it was finding myself getting settled into a home that I absolutely love on land that is my piece of heaven on earth. Or maybe it was just the first time in a few years where there was enough space to breath, and I realized I had a lot of regrets.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the things in life that just left me wishing I had done something different. Self reflection is a good thing, I believe, as it helps you not repeat the mistakes of your past in your future. However, I also know the enemy can use self reflection to bring shame, anger, and bitterness back up to bite us in the ….well, you get the picture!

The only person I found myself truly angry with was me. Maybe that is because I learned a long time ago that the only person I can control is me. So as I reflected, I was mad at myself for not doing some things differently that would mean I was at a different place in some areas of my life - and my marriage was one of them.

I was also struggling with just the constant demands of my life - 8 children at home, two with some significant behavior issues, one with significant health issues (we had no idea at this point that Ava's was degenerative or terminal), and operating a ministry that found me constantly having to battle systems to get what was best for kids. My stress level was through the roof. I did not see any end in site. So I ran away.

I have written about that time before. I took a week and went on a work trip and then to help my parents pack. I did not tell anyone, but I was not sure when I returned if I was going to come back refreshed or resolute. I wasn't sure if I was coming home to work on my marriage or coming home to pack my bags.  I wasn't sure if I was really willing to work on my marriage anymore. I left seeking God's face and His voice. It was all I knew to cling to at that time. - not a bad place to place your grip by the way!

Over that week as I cried out to God He revealed much to me - about Him and about me! He promises that when we seek Him we will find Him. And find Him I did.

After all my whining, deliberating, justifying, surrendering, crying, and listening, God told me - make a choice and do it! You see I had said with my mouth I was committed and wanted to stay and fight, but in reality I had a crack in the door so that if things did not change, I could open it and walk out. God was asking me to shut the door - or to open it and walk out.

What I am about to say could be controversial. I am going to do my best to communicate it very clearly and theologically sound. So let me start by saying God hates divorce - let me pause to say there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! So if you are reading this and are divorced, do not let the enemy use this to place shame on your for divorce! I think you will understand as you continue to read - Truth is Truth. Malachi 2:16 says, "I hate divorce, says the Lord." Not much gray area there. He is not a fan of divorce.

However, as I wrestled with God that week, He assured me I had his permission to leave my marriage. Hang with me to the end - remember, I know God hates divorce!

My marriage had not been operating as God intended for many years - if ever really. Our marriage looked nothing like the one described in Ephesians 5. For my part, I would swing my pendulum from submissive (read door mat - not submissive in the Biblical definition) wife to demanding my needs be met. Neither of those are Biblical or work well in a marriage.

As I reflected on 20 years of marriage that has been full of heart ache and frustrations (on both of our parts), God told me I could leave. He would not stop me. I would walk out. HOWEVER - he was NOT blessing my leaving! You see there is a difference! There are many things of this world that breaks God's heart. And there are some things in my marriage that breaks God's heart. He shared my hurt with me in those things - so He understood my wanting to leave. Me leaving would be a sin. I had no Biblical reason for divorce. But many aspects of how our marriage was operating was also a sin. Any sin outside of denying Christ is forgivable. Me walking out was forgivable, however, like all sin, it would take me outside the blessing of God. That was enough to give me pause and make me want to consider my options a little more. But God was clear - I was to go home with my decision made  - trust Him and commit to my marriage no matter what or leave and face whatever that meant. But get off the fence! Make a decision and do it.

I had been to a conference earlier in the summer and heard a woman by the name of Beth Guckenberger speak.  She is a foster and adoptive mother, she and her husband had been missionaries in Mexico, and they worked in orphan care ministry. She told her story to point to God. I related to her in many ways. So I bought her book. I had taken it with me to read the week I was gone. The book is titled Start with Amen.

As I struggled through whether to commit to my marriage or commit to leaving, I read these words by Beth:


Amen is the verbal equivalent of hands raised. It can be translated as "So be it" or paraphrased as "It is as you say." It's more than our modern understanding of "uncle" or "I give up." It is surrender in a spirit of "It's up to you[God]; you [God] do it," and ""I made the promise, but only you [God] can fulfill it." So I whisper, You sell the house. You move her heart. You heal that body. You open the door. You  provide. You go before them. Amen. So be it. In your time. I trust. I surrender. Amen. 

And this one word reorients me, calibrating me with a God whose covenant he will never break. … 

That's what I'm looking for: a spiritual confidence that supersedes circumstances, a peace that passes understanding. 

As soon as I read those words, my soul cried out AMEN! So be it! I knew my decision was made. And I knew I would have to find a way to press in harder than ever before to God - to the heavenly perspective of life. I would have to lay down my desires. I would have to lay down my rights. I might even have to lay down a dream or two. But I shut the door. I made the decision that I would go back and pursue my marriage with all I had in me and all God is in me.

I looked into getting the tattoo even before coming home - but in the middle of summer with a new pool, I knew my kids would not be happy if I could not swim with them for three weeks - so I decided to come home with the commitment in my heart and the plan in my mind.

I told John about my week and all God had revealed. I told him I wanted to get the tattoo as a reminder that I am all in! It's kind of like my second wedding ring - it's a commitment to choose God over anything I "feel" in my marriage. It's a commitment to trust God with the outcome.

So tonight, I got my first ink! A permanent reminder to trust God and start my thoughts, prayers, and decisions about my marriage - and a lot of other things in life also!- with "so be it" then let God write the rest....

Never Have I Been More Thankful for Trials

As we have walked the past few weeks processing the news that Ava is losing brain mass and are waiting on an official diagnosis of a terminal illness, I have found many things to be thankful for.

First, I am thankful for my large family! We told our oldest three the day we learned of the news. The way they responded blessed me beyond words! I knew that if no one else in the entire world walked with us, we would be ok because we had each other. With the roads we have walked the past 4 years, being able to rest in that was truly miraculous and a precious gift from God!

I am also thankful for the amazing community of Decatur. I immediately knew that we would not walk this alone. We have close friends all the way to acquaintances who we know would do anything we asked in a time of need. Ava has a class of friends who genuinely love her! With her struggles, it would be so easy to cast her aside as a social misfit and real pain in the you know what! But instead they respond with grace, understanding, and love! Even to the boys she messages and even texts sometimes relentlessly telling them she has a crush on them - they respond with appropriate, loving answers! I don't take that for granted!

I am thankful God placed it on my parents' hear to move close to us! We live closer now than we have in 18 years! They will be an invaluable support emotionally as well as in day to day life in the coming months and years! I am so thankful for them!

I have been asking for a full brain MRI for years only to be told there is no need. The one done in 2009 didn't show anything, so a new one would not be useful. At first when we found out it would have in fact shown something, I was angry they had not done one when I asked. But immediately, God answered my anger with "would you really have wanted to know all this time?!" And the answer to that is a resounding NO! I am so thankful for the years of wonderful bliss we have lived in not knowing what the future held and just enjoying our sweet girl for the amazing creation of God that she is!

But truly what I am most thankful for are the trials that have brought me to this point in my life! I remember as a young adult and fairly immature Christian reading in James 1 where I was supposed to consider it pure joy to face trials of many kinds. What?! I should be happy things are hard?! The scripture explains itself: "because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  I can remember a season where I begged God for relief from lessons. I actually told him I did not want to mature anymore for awhile! I am so thankful he did not give me what I asked for!

When we taught youth in Cotton Center, I would tell them that God will never take you over a mountain before he takes you over the ant hill. I learned early in my walk with Him that He strengthened us bit by bit. If I would let him teach me in the trip over the ant hill, then I would take the trip over the mountain much more gracefully and peacefully.

As I have walked through one of the deepest valleys of my life - being told a child is dying - I have time and again thanked God for the Truths that are now part of the fabric of my belief system - they are who I am not just what I think.

When we miscarried our first baby in 1999, a woman of God who I very much admired shared that God was teaching me to let go of children. At the time my 25 year old self  was offended. But as I have lost so many children, that Word has come back to me time and time again. I now know it was actually a Word of peace. We lost our Hope to a miscarriage, we lost Addy to death before we ever met her yet we loved her as if we had raised her those three years of her life, we lost Eden to a failed adoption after I spent three weeks with her and bonded in a miraculous way only to have not seen her again in 13 years! We have even lost a child to the schemes of the enemy - for what we pray is temporary. I have said numerous times that I have lost children just about any way you can except through death while they lived with me. When we lost Hope in our miscarriage, the lesson I walked away from that I have been forever grateful for is that my children are not mine! The ones I birthed are not mine, the ones I have adopted are not mine, and the ones who call my house home are not mine - they are HIS! He entrusts them to me to raise and equip and train for Kingdom purposes, and it is my true honor to walk with each one of them in this life for that purpose!

But it is not just the loss of children that has prepared me for this moment. It is so many trials I have walked. Sitting alone with my thoughts and emotions the last few weeks, never once have I asked God "why?". For one, that has never really gone well for me! God has never really felt the need to explain himself to me in most cases when I ask that question - He is God, and I am not - that's why. But I have not even asked. Mainly because I trust Him. I fully trust Him.

Through the trials I have walked in my 44 years on this earth, his sovereignty is settled. I know this is not a surprise to Him. In fact, this is a result of Ava's genetic make up  - it is literally how He knit her together! He knows yesterday, today, and tomorrow - none of it is a surprise! Many might ask why that doesn't make me angry. Well, because God's love for me and His goodness have also been settled long ago in my spirit and soul. I have walked many trials that I could not explain and could not in the midst of it see any good. But those same trials now are spring boards into my calling and my ability to walk with others today. I know God loves me. God is good! He is not just good when the answer is what we want to hear, He is good no matter what! I know that. He has shown that to me over my lifetime. I don't question it. I believe it.

Because of these lessons and these Truths that are a part of my being now, my faith is truly a refuge! He is my Strong Tower that I can run to and be safe! I have spent many evenings just sitting, crying, asking God to "hold me". And He does. From the moment we received the news up until the typing of these words, I have had nothing but undeniable PEACE! I should be frantic, worried, anxious, fearful - and there are moments of that as the enemy tries to steal our joy and peace - but those moments are fleeting and are quickly replaced with supernatural, unexplained, oh so wonderful PEACE. It is the most precious gift my Heavenly Father has ever given me!

If you wonder if God is real, I can tell you without a doubt HE IS!!! How do I know? Because He has shown Himself faithful to me! He has answered me when I have cried out! He has comforted me when there was no comfort to be had from the things this world had to offer. He has filled me with joy and peace that surpasses all human understanding. But to get here, I had to yield to Him. I had to walk in obedience to Him. I had to let Him take the lead and trust Him for the outcome. Never have I ever been more thankful for the lessons I have learned as I walked with Him than I am today!

For anyone who thinks I have it all together....

This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.

I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!

I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.

I  am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.

One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!

The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!

I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....

I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...

For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.

I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!

I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!

You are not alone.....

God's Timing: A Lesson from a Tree

This is my favorite tree on our property. I was walking past it a couple weeks ago and saw that it had budded out. My immediate reaction was, "Oh no!!! It has budded too soon! We will have another freeze, and it will lose all these buds!" I would be extremely sad if this tree wasn't able to leaf out. As I stood contemplating the fate of my tree for this season, God whispered, "Timing is important! If you bloom too soon, the frost will get your buds." I think I laughed out loud! God knows how much I struggle with His timing, and like the good Father He is, He was taking advantage of this teachable moment.

We are on the verge of one of the largest growths in the agency we have had since we created it 12 years ago. How many times over the 12 years have I wondered if anything would really come of the agency? How many times did I wish it was "bigger" because I felt like what I was doing was insignificant or worthless? All of those moments came flashing back as times I thought I was ready to bust out my blooms, but God knew if I were to do that, a freeze was waiting to take it all away!

I smiled, thankful for the gentle reminder of the lesson of waiting on God's timing that I had learned from those experiences. I started to walk off. Silly me! I have walked with God long enough to know, if He started this conversation, there was problem more than just a fun reminiscing of lessons learned. There was a Truth for today.

Just a few days earlier, a friend had shared a prophecy warning of holding an umbrella over dry, cracked ground that was thirsty for the rain God was sending. The message was to allow the rain that God was sending to saturate the dry ground. I had been tossing that around praying through what it meant. As I started to walk off from the tree, God brought some clarity. He reminded me that blooming before I was ready was not the only timing issue I had to trust Him with. As I glanced over to Jim, our horse standing just a few feet behind the tree that had become my object lesson for the day, that small voice whispered again. "Not only do you not need to bloom too soon, but you also don't need to pull back on the reigns when I send the vision into full motion!" Ouch! I would have been just find to look back on those memories of wanting more but learning to trust Him to bring it in His timing. But no, God had to go and remind me that I was afraid of the things He had shown me needed to be happening because I just did not see how it would work.

We are in one of the craziest seasons of our lives! We are still trying to crawl out from under the crazy moving/remodel experience of this summer. We still don't have all the remodel completed (lack a few things in the kitchen and an entire bathroom), we still have boxes to unpack, systems to get into place, and some painting to do. The agency has become busier than it has ever been all while our children's needs are at a place where they need us advocating, and loving, and connecting and providing for them more than we ever have. John's job is also going through some transition that is pulling him in different directions and brings more stress and demands. Then my parents had a serious car accident last week, and I saw my daughter and oldest grandson for the first time in three years, and met my youngest grandson for the first time ever! It seriously could not be a busier, more demanding, emotionally exhausting season of life. So I find myself pulling back on the reigns of the things God is saying to let run, NOW! I find myself throwing up an umbrella afraid of the rain that is falling.

The buds have grown out more now. I can see them from my windows. We haven't had a hard freeze since they started coming out, but I suspect we will. I do not really know what it will do to the tree for this season. But every time I catch a glimpse of a bud, I smile because I hear that small voice saying, "Do you see how big that tree is?! What is happening in this season will be another ring. Another year of growth. Another layer of strong bark turned to an inner ring. Don't stop by just looking at the buds...look at what I have done over years and years. Trust me with your season! It's just one piece of the puzzle I am working in your life to build and mold and shape you into who I have called you to be! Listen. Trust. Obey. Then leave the rest up to me!"

The Next Faith Journey: Being Certain of what we do not see....

Oh, the journey! I can't say that I am loving the journey at the moment, but I can say I am loving the peace that I am experiencing in the turmoil! :)

So the plan was to close on the house we currently own yesterday, and close on the house we are buying today. The contractors were going to start working tomorrow. As I sit here tonight, we have not closed on either house! We have hit a couple of snags. Evidently there is ZERO customer service in lending for houses anymore! They wait until the day before closing to underwrite the loans and then have a gazillion hoops for you to jump through. Add onto that the three day required wait after you have signed disclosures, and you have a perfect storm!

But here is what I know. From the beginning as I have shared here, this has been a FAITH journey! Faith is defined in Hebrews 11 as being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see! Even as we received phone call after phone call today that meant delay after delay, I stood firm. I did not react physically or emotionally to the circumstances. At one point, John was relaying all that he had just discussed on a phone call. When he got done, I simply said, let's pray. We did. And then we kept packing. I told him that the enemy has tried to steal this promised land from us from the beginning! I don't know that I have ever been in such a battle where I was as aware as I am now of it actually being a spiritual battle! So today when the enemy tried to bring discouragement and despair, it did not work! I looked at John and said with surprise in my voice, "I am seriously not panicking! God's got this! He has made too many promises to drop us now! Let's keep packing!"

I am not tooting my own horn here..in fact just the exact opposite. Most of the times in situations like this, it matters not what I have thought God said in the past or what promises He has made for my victory, as soon as the bad news comes, I start wailing about how He never follows through or leaves me when I walk in obedience. I usually come around eventually to Truth, but I don' t usually respond in Truth. I usually throw a 42 year old version of a 2 year old tantrum!

But this journey has brought me to a place of trust, truly trusting God has my best interest at heart and loves me as a good, good, Father! He has drawn me close, hid me under His wings and been a strong tower for me to run to! I have learned facets of God's character that I have not known before. I think this is what James meant when he said, we should consider it "pure joy" when we fact trials because the testing of our faith brings about perseverance! And there is soooo much to be thankful for....buyers who are working just as hard as we are to get their loan closed and are communicating openly with us through the process, sellers who are more than generous and working with us despite delays, a beautiful property that in a few weeks I will be sitting looking out over as I type!

I can say that our faith has definitely been tested over the past 6 weeks in ways it hasn't been in a long time! The attacks have come from all sides! But tonight I go to bed at complete peace because I know that He who promised will be faithful to do what He said He would do! And around our house, we call that kickin' satan in the teeth!

Our Ava, We have a diagnosis....

You are going about your day as normal. Then the phone rings. You have no idea that your world is about to change forever with what the person on the other side of the call is going to share...

That could be the scenario for many things in life. For me this week, it was the call that said, "We have the results back from Ava's testing." Next she said, "Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?" There was part of me in that moment that wanted to scream, "NO! I don't have a few minutes for you to tell me what is wrong! I don't know if I will ever have a few minutes for this conversation!" But I knew delaying the inevitable was not going to help my daughter no matter what the news was.

Bottom line, we now have an official diagnosis. Ava has Duplication 16P13.3 Syndrome. Fancy name, huh?!  Simply, it means that she has duplication on her 16th chromosome. That duplication can cause many symptoms, and it is what causes the delays and difficulties we see in Ava. It is a life long condition.

So now what? I mean, what do you do with that? I went from relief at having an answer we have searched for the last 6 years to sadness that I really had an answer. It kind of takes all denial away that you might have been hanging onto that all is well....just a minor delay here and there. But it did not take much research before I was overcome with thankfulness! As I read all that can be caused by this particular syndrome,  I thanked God that Ava has very mild symptoms! There are kidney and heart issues associated with it that we have not had to deal with. And ultimately, I just had to thank God that He knit my precious baby girl in my womb! I can honestly say the one emotion I have not had since learning about the diagnosis is fear. My God is a great big God! He knows every hair on my sweet girl's head. He made her, fearfully and wonderfully made her! As I said that scripture over and over in my head this week, I have to admit there was some confusion in my soul. Chromosomes are the knitting! They are what gives the instructions for the creating....so if the chromosome is not "normal" then did God cause that? I don't believe He causes illness. And I am not going to pretend I have the theological understanding to really even think about questions like that! But what quickly settled into my spirit was "Does it matter?" Regardless of what the answer is, does it change that God is a good God? Nope! Not one bit! So there will be no why questions from me to God. He is good all the time....even when I hear that my daughter has an abnormality in how she is knit together! It's funny. I remember when a friend found out her unborn baby had Spina Bifida. I remember asking God how to reconcile Psalm 139 with babies who are knit together in a way that we don't think of as "wonderful". I had to chuckle as I thought back on how I wrestled with that for my friend knowing now that God had me wrestling with that then because He knew what I would face now. Oh how I love Him! The conclusion that I came to and feel God inspired in me for my friend's baby is that we hear fearfully and wonderfully made as perfectly and according to the world's standard of abilities. But what He knits together is what is fearfully and wonderfully made for His kingdom! I don't believe God causes illness, and I will believe and ask God to heal Ava so that she functions on a level that the world sees as "normal", but I rest in the fact that God loves her more than I do, and He knit her together with a purpose for His Kingdom, and she has all she needs to fulfill that purpose!

As I look at Ava, I can't help but see that God did in fact knit her together amazingly! She has a joy that I don't even begin to grasp. She has a faith and a connection to the Holy Spirit that I am envious of at times. Her childlike innocence and belief in the things of God's Word makes her an amazing warrior for the kingdom! And she does not meet a stranger! She is loved everywhere she goes. This syndrome was not even discovered until 2010 (ironically, that's when we started doing our tests to see what was happening with our sweet girl!), and in 2013 only 26 cases had been documented. They now think that 1 in 150,000 births have this duplication. So what that tells me is that we now have proof that she is the rare treasure we always knew she was!

So what now? Well, Cook Children's Hospital got a few mad momma calls that day because for 2 years we have been trying to get her into a neurologist that will listen to us. But their policy says we cannot switch doctors. We have an appointment with a new neurologist in September. ;) We have to have some hard conversations about educational goals and long term goals in order to make sure financially and legally she will be provided for and cared for. Now that we have a "life long" condition diagnosis, we can go more boldly into realms that we really couldn't before to try to get her all she needs to be successful and live the best life possible. All this is a new arena for us, so we are definitely on a learning curve! But again, we trust God to bring wisdom and provide fully!

Over the last few days as I have processed all the new information, I have just stood in awe at my sweet girl! I have learned to appreciate her laugh more. I have learned to soak in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes. Its as if the diagnosis has given me permission to let her be her. I don't have to "push"  her to be what every other 10 year old girl is. I have permission to just enjoy who she is and where she is and love her for right now! And that is the best gift I could have been given!

For all who have walked this path with us, loved our sweet girl, worked with her at school and at church, prayed with us for answers, we thank you! And we appreciate you! Please don't stop praying! Now that we have a diagnosis we will be searching for ways to make sure we are doing all we can to help Ava become all she can be! We are excited about her future that we know is full of hope because of our amazing and good God! Thanks for walking with us!

The Next Faith Journey: Around the mountain again and SOLD!

Just when we wondered if it would ever happen, it did! We had one offer on the table, but the buyer had to sell their house. They had not even put it on the market yet, and had backed out twice on putting it on the market...so we were not totally sure they would go through with it. So we scheduled an open house. We have been told by numerous real estate agents that open houses don't work. But we had asked God if there was anything we needed to do in our wait, and we both felt having an open house was His answer. Within two hours of the end of the open house we had an above asking price offer that was not contingent and gave us a week lease back at no cost! Truly, a gift from God! God has spoken to me at the beginning of the process that we would know His love by the sell of our house. In my desires, I had assumed that meant a fast sell! But as we sat down to sign the contracts, I was overwhelmed with God's love as I looked at how He has truly blessed us with a stress free contract! And the couple has been AMAZING to work with! We had the inspection and easily agreed up on what needed to be fixed and how it would be fixed, It has truly been the most stress free contract we have ever had on a house! That's God's love...extravagant and peaceful! And abundant...literally while we were signing the contract that night to send back to their agent, John received a text from one of the other people who had put an offer on it a few weeks back. They were wanting to put an offer on it again...abundance! Such a great picture of God's love for a gal who is very legalistically wired and has a hard time believing God just gives good gifts because He loves us and is a good Father who just wants to lavish great things on his children!

But I have to tell you, the journey is almost comical as we look back at it. I mean like you could write a pretty hysterical cartoon about our trip to that point. Once God spoke to us that we were not to battle for the sell of our house, but instead were to rest so that He could give it to us as a demonstration of his love, it took us a couple of trips around the mountain. I had a very wise mentor that would say God takes us around the mountain until we learn the lesson sometimes. I would definitely say that is the case here.

We had so much interest over the course of the 44 days it took to sell our house. It seemed like it was constantly a game of "this offer is on the table" then "they backed out and we are back to square one". It was an emotional roller coaster of excitement that our house was possibly sold and disappointment when it fell apart. But after God spoke that it was not a war to fight, but a time to rest in His love, I tried to stay focused on that. John and I both had our moments where we could just rest in that and circumstances did not make us waiver, but we also both had moments where the circumstances over came us and despair, fatigue and frustration set in! But here is the cool thing! About two days before the open house, I felt God say, "Trust me!" I had this sense of wanting to just free fall into God's love. I literally pictured myself falling off a ledge and bouncing up into the air again as I hit his "love" as if I hit a trampoline (in case you don't know by now, I am very visual! ;) ) I was honest and told God that I was scared to let myself fall because I wasn't sure how I would survive if he let me hit the ground instead of catching me! Typing that, I understand how ridiculous it sounds that God would drop me, but in my heart, that was my fear. I only heard one word in return -JUMP! So I did!

The next day we got discouraging news about the family who was putting their house on the market to buy ours (this was before our open house). As soon as John told me, I had a very brief moment of panic, and then the familiar voice - "I've got you! Keep falling!" And I did! I did not waiver one bit in my resolve to trust God and keep falling into His love! And so did John! For the first time in all the roller coaster ride, John and I both at the same time did not let circumstances dictate our emotions. We did not let circumstances dictate our mood. We stood on what God had said and resolved to wait until His time to make circumstances line up with what He had already spoken! We had finally walked around the mountain enough times - we had the lesson not just in our head as knowledge, but in our heart and had changed how we operated! And the next day, we received the amazing contract! I can't say that I have ever "felt" God's love more than I did in that moment. The free fall didn't end in me shattered at the bottom, but instead wrapped in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father smiling down at me!

And even the timing has been perfect despite my begging God to give us a contract sooner....we will be able to stay in our house one week which puts us needing to live somewhere just as my in-laws are headed on vacation leaving their house empty! We will move in the new house the week after school starts,  (the first week we will be close enough for the kids to start school, just not in our house) so no sitting at a new house with no friends making the kids more anxious about life in a new city....so many things that show God's extravagant love and provision for us! Truly thankful for the lessons we have learned on this journey! In nearly 19 years of marriage and all the "adventures" John and I have taken, I would say that this one by far has exceeded any in teaching us spiritual truths as individuals but most of all as a couple! Some day we will share our entire testimony....but for now I am resting in the fact that we have walked together closer spiritually through this than ever before! And can I tell you, the enemy hates that! Which will have to be a post for another time! :)

Thank you for those who have taken this journey with us! It has been amazing to hear all the stories of those who have shared. Many of you are still journeying (as are we....this journey isn't just about a house but about our family entering a spiritual promised land that we are still fighting to retake!)...please know that I am believing with you for God's extravagant, loving and best for you ending to your journey as well! Don't give up! He has amazing things for you!

The Next Faith Journey: Obedience, Submission, and a Ram

Walking with God is never boring! That is a fact! We have taken a few twists and turns on our newest faith journey! A couple weeks ago I spent the day on Country Club Road with a contractor going over all that needed to be done. The first contractor we had met with was pretty overwhelmed with the job, so we wanted to get a second opinion. I also met with an AC company to try to figure out the 6 condensers! What a mess!

We were moving forward. We received  seller's disclosure which was pretty discouraging because they were obviously not taking it seriously. That was obvious on the question that asked if they knew of any issues with the pool drainage to which they checked no. The pool drain was completely cemented in to make a fish pond! Where I come from, that is a problem for drainage! They also talked throughout the disclosure about how the property was "priced for repairs". Remember we knew we would probably need to get it for a third of the price they were asking! But God had not released us, so we moved forward in faith as there were no definite red lights....maybe a caution light or two, but still not red!

Then God did a really cool thing!

John and I desire to have a Godly marriage! For those who haven't figured it out, I am a pretty strong personality! ;) So sometimes the Biblical roles in our home take very deliberate and methodical steps to ensure execution! And sometimes they just get completely flipped upside down before we even realize it! We have been doing the very deliberate and methodical steps in this journey! At some point that week nearly in passing when we were talking about all that had to be done on the Country Club house, John says, "I think this may be an Abraham and Isaac situation where God is asking us to walk in faith and continue on a journey to learn to trust, but he will provide a different way that is not nearly as hard or stressful as remodeling that house." I can't say that I immediately thought that there was any merit to that. However as I reflected on it over the next few days, I could see where God could have used the Country Club house to spiritually wake me up and get me in a place where I was meeting with Him again. But I still felt very much like the Country Club house was what we needed to pursue! I shared all of that with John, and we kept moving forward.

Fast forward a few days and John gets a text from a friend who lives in the community we are wanting to move to. He knows of someone who is selling their family estate. No one really seems to know how many bedrooms or bathrooms for sure. But the land and square footage sounds like what we are looking for. John thinks we should go look at it. So I am left struggling with what I know God has told me, and what my husband is asking me to do...along with the conversations we have had about Country Club possibly being a test of faith by God who all along had something much better for us. I was pretty discouraged and again questioning our sanity for even thinking about moving. I have learned in this journey that having 8 kids makes it really hard to feel as if you are always doing what is best for all of the kids! That has been a struggle for me in this process! I was struggling with not wavering in faith of what I felt God had told me, being open to what my husband was thinking, and wondering if it was all just a crazy idea from the beginning! I finally told John if he could find time in our crazy schedule to go look at it when they could meet us, I would go.

Front of the House

As we drove up, I was taken back by the yards of the house! The lot was even more stunning than Country Club Road. But the verdict on the house was still out...it was covered in ivy..like growing over the windows in ivy! Toben was with us, and he said as we drove up, "I don't want to live in this house, I am pretty sure it's haunted!" (Disclaimer: we do not teach our kids about haunted houses! Nor do we believe in ghosts! :) ) But John and I get out and meet the sweet lady who had come to show us her family's

Back of House 

Back Yard

estate. We would learn that she was one of 5 children. Her brother had built the house in the '80's for their parents. They had all raised their grandchildren there. They had lost their mother in February and none of them needed this much space. They didn't have the funds to keep it in the family. She just kept saying, "This place is magical!" As we walked through the house, I would come to agree with her! You walk from the main front door into a grand entry, into a dining room with a really long table (long enough to seat our whole family!!!!!) and on the other side of the dining room was a double door that she had thrown open to what looked like heaven on earth! There was a HUGE back porch with a deck stepping down off of that, then a lawn stepping down off the deck. Then you walk down a few more steps to get to the HUGE green back yard! We were still unclear about how many bedrooms and bathrooms the house had. As we walked through we kept count. There were a few things about the house layout that I was not sure about, (like no more game room). But as we kept walking, I fell more and more in love with the place! Final bedroom count was 7 - just what we needed! And the rooms are huge, so really no game room was a non-issue because the rooms are plenty big for toys and play! The property has a stocked pond that Toben immediately fell in love with! And she told us if we put corn out at night, our yard would be full of deer the next morning.  There was something familiar about the place that I couldn't put my finger on....something that made me know I had dreamed of a place like this but never really imagined I would ever live in one!  It was when John said, "It reminds me of a Fredericksburg home" that I finally knew what it was! I had grown up going to Fredericksburg and loving the feel of those homes and the town! I had dreamed of one day living somewhere that looked like that with Austin stone and green grass and flowers galore. And he was right...it looked just like a Fredericksburg bed and breakfast!

Even with all of that, I was unsure. What about the directions God had given me about Country Club. What about the parts of this house that made me a little unsure like the master bedroom being upstairs and both living areas being downstairs with one being fairly small compared to what we have now. Just little things that drive you crazy when trying to make a big decision like this!

As God would have it, I was headed to a women's conference that next day after looking at the house. As I drove to get my friend from the airport that evening after we looked at the house, John sent me a text that said, "I think this is our house. I think it is our Ram." You see, God had planted in John the seed that He would provide a less stressful, less intense route than Country Club because He knew we had trusted and walked in total faith in the direction He had called. But just like he did with Abraham as he was about to sacrifice Isaac, God had provided a ram for the sacrifice and spared Isaac's life and Abraham's father's heart in having to sacrifice a son.....something God would not spare himself for us, by the way! And John believed this was our Ram provided by God! It still needed some renovation, but not nearly to the extent of the other house.

So that provided me with an opportunity and the need for some serious prayer! As I sought God's will and direction, I could not get a clear answer. What I did get was released from the Country Club house in a sense. It is a little hard to explain, but how I put it to John was that I did not have the clear cut, without a doubt, answer to buy the new house that I had with the Country Club house. However, at that point, I did feel like I could walk away from the Country Club house without being in disobedience or giving up on God or faith. But I also explained for me to do that I would need him (John) to tell me he had that extreme confident, without a doubt, direction from God that this house is our house.

And just like that God provided an amazing opportunity for John and my marriage! He had given us an opportunity for marriage to work the way He intended it! He had provided an opportunity for John to lead, for me to submit. For John to love me, and for me to respect him! It was a beautiful thing!

And He didn't stop there! A few days after we decided to pursue the Austin Stone house, John got a call form the contractor who was working up a bid on the Country Club house. He asked John if we had a budget (enter hysterical laughter at the thought of us NOT having a budget!). Of course John said that we did, to which the contractor replied that they were not yet finished with all the repairs needed and were at $350,000! And just like that God provided confirmation that we had made the right decision to lay that down and pursue the other house! That was over $100,000 more than what we knew was the max we could spend to remodel!

God has once again shown me through this faith journey that He is all about the journey! He is not nearly as concerned with the outcomes of these journeys as we are....but what He is concerned with is the way these journeys change and mature and grow us into His likeness! It has been refreshing in this journey to stop and smell the roses so to speak! I can say that this is the first time I have embraced that Truth and committed to focusing on the journey and not on the outcome! It has truly been a refreshing journey that has brought me back to a place of trust and faith. It has made me fall even more madly in love with my Savior and taught me so much about Him and how He loves me!

Don't get me wrong...I am excited to see where this journey ends as well, but until we arrive at the end, I am devoted to taking each step focused on Him and learning to walk in total reliance, faith and trust of my Heavenly Father who is a good daddy! I am determined to enjoy the journey!  I hope this encourages you in any faith or trust journey you are on right now! Commit today to simply hearing His voice and doing what He says for today! Tomorrow has enough troubles of it's own! ;)