This is a post I have wanted to write for months....but for much of that time, I wouldn't have been able to collect the thoughts darting through my mind enough to communicate my point. Then fear kept me from writing it for awhile. However, I was reminded this week that the Word says we have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb AND the word of our testimony - I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I was either. Praise God! I was also encouraged to be transparent by two women of God - Lisa Terkeurst and my daughter CallieAnn - who shared their stories boldly, so I am sharing mine as well.
I don't share for sympathy or pity. I don't share to complain - although some of this will sound like toddler whininess I am sure! I share because twice in one week I had two different people say something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it! You are so put together!" Both times my immediate thought was, "If you only knew!" It wasn't that I was hiding things to put on a show. I wasn't sharing all that was going on because I was literally just trying to survive. I only share now because I truly desire to live a transparent life that glorifies my God. I share now because I have no doubt that I have friends who are walking the same path I was...and I want them to know they are NOT alone! I want them to know there is help. I want them to know they don't have to keep walking that path. For my fellow humans struggling with depression, you are not alone!
I woke up every morning with a heaviness and despair that would plague me util I went to bed that night. I would take about 30-45 minutes to talk myself out of bed - I still had to be mom and wife and adoption worker. I would go through the day trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be. Then I would lay down to the only peace I had throughout the day - sleep.
I am not sure when it started. I have battled this giant before in my life. I had pretty significant postpartum depression. I was actually in the process of weaning off the medicine when I found out I was pregnant with Journey. So for almost 4 years, I took medicine. When everything with Liberia happened, I battled depression again. It was different that time, though. I knew that was spiritual. I was able to battle back through spiritual warfare and get out of that pit that the enemy wanted to leave me in to kill my life's calling to be a voice and advocate for the orphaned. So I have personally know depression that is physical and depression that is spiritual.
One year ago, we heard God tell us to move. As we walked that out in obedience, we kept hearing that we were going to our Promised Land. How is depression part of my promised land? In short, it's not!
The actual move was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...the loan for the people buying our house fell through, we were already packed with movers coming in less than a week! We helped them get another loan through a friend, but that set all the timelines off. So the first day of school, we moved into John's parents house for a week while the entire contents of our home was moved in to the garage of our new house. We would then embark on a three month complete gut of our new home that would include moving into the home, moving out to John's parents, moving back into the home, moving all 10 of us into the living room, moving back into John's parents, then moving into just the upstairs before finally being able to move everyone to their bedrooms and our living room furniture in! While doing this we had two kids start a new daycare, one kid start homeschooling, five kids start new schools, one of whom had such severe anxiety that I was making one to two trips a day to the school to help calm this one, one kid had an emergency appendectomy and one kid with a week long hospital stay that included another three weeks of maintenance care to ensure all meds were working and all was well. And that was just in the first 5 weeks of the remodel!
I knew I was stressed. I knew there were moments when it felt like I almost had to leave my body (not literally - but that's the only way I can explain with words the feeling I had of how much I had to disconnect on a daily bases emotionally to simply make it through the day without losing "it" - not really sure what "it" was, but I certainly feared losing it!) - so I felt like I had to leave my body to work in the circumstances I found myself in while also trying to meet the needs of all those dependent on me to be the emotional anchor as we made the move. I knew things were worse than I cared to admit when I started noticing that when my phone would ring with John's ringtone, my heart would start racing, and I would start to sweat. I was having panic attacks, but had no idea that's what they were. I just knew I had to hold "it" together - and part of that "it" was my family! But even though I knew things were tough and I wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to, I felt like much of it was circumstantial. I would tell myself, "I know it's bad, but when we get done moving, it will be ok." But then another crisis or stressor would enter my world. Again, I would say, "I know it's bad, but when we get through football, it will be better." And on and on....
I finally made the call to get on medication when twice I stressed out enough over circumstances that I had to call John to intervene. I knew I had made the right decision when one week after going on medication, for the first time in nearly 20 years of marriage, I had to tell John he couldn't travel for a work trip because I could not take care of things at home alone. I had reached the point where getting out of bed and doing my job was the most I had in me. One of the wake-up calls came when out of the blue, one of my younger kids asked, "Mom, do you like being a mother?!" I knew then something had to change...
For those who know me, they know this we the bottom of defeat for me. I am a strong woman - remember, everyone looks at me and says, "How do you do all that?" But the tower had crumbed. I was worn out. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. And also spiritually. My blood pressure which as been low all my life shot up to near stroke levels. Something in my body was definitely not ok.
I know there is stigma about medicine for depression at times, but I am here to tell you, when your body chemistry is off because of constant stress or other factors, medicine may just be needed! I love what Kris Vallatton says all the time about spiritual warfare and depression. He talks of the time that he had a breakdown and how he had to take medicine for a time to get his mind to where it needed to be to even be able to fight what needed to be fought on the spiritual side. That was exactly where I was!
I have been on medicine for almost 2 months now. It has helped me drastically - but as we all know there is no pill to fix everything! God is teaching me a new and deeper dependence on Him as I walk out of this valley of death. I have learned attributes of God's character in this pit that I would not have learned on a mountain top! Do I think God made me depressed?! Absolutely not! My God is a faithful, loving, gracious Father who wants me whole - mind, body and soul! But He did allow it - and He will use it for His glory and to shape and mold me into more of His reflection. He has taught me to fight on a new level on the spiritual battlefield. I still have days when the anxiety overtakes me. But I am able to fight back. The enemy wants to steal my joy - to steal the plans God has for me. My job is to stay plugged into the Source of Joy, Life, and Love so that I can fight back on the days the medicine isn't enough to overcome the circumstances that push in and threaten to take me under. Those are the days I have to fight even harder to keep my eyes on Jesus so I don't sink! Those are the days I have to remind myself many times a day - sometimes many times an hour- that my God is bigger than ANY problem I face! And I have good news for you too! He is bigger than any problem YOU face also! Greater is He that is in me (and you if you have accepted Him as your Lord) than he that is in the world! I've read the end of the book - We Win! Someone needs to hear that! You are not alone! And you WILL overcome if you will connect with the One whose blood shed for our sins overcame the power of darkness in this world, and will share your testimony! Reach out to someone close to you! Don't let satan shame you with what he gave you! Find a friend to confide in - and allow them to walk with you - right. out. of. the. valley!
You are not alone.....
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Monday, August 7, 2017
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
It will be enough.....
Can anyone out there relate to weariness? I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before. I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level! John and I were talking the other day. I know the joy of the Lord is my strength. I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary. Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Confessions of a Large Family Mom
I hear all the time, "how do you do it?" Well, frankly, this week, I haven't! I haven't done "it" at all! I've managed to keep the house picked up and that's about it! I haven' t done all that needs to be done for my job...just bare minimums, I haven't discipled my children at all, and frankly, I haven't even really been all that nice. I'm tired and grumpy! Kind of already knew that, but was confirmed when Isabella told me early this week that she went to the counselor at school and asked her if it was normal for pregnant women to be grumpy and mean. Not exactly one of my prouder moments!
So I have tried to do some major self-reflection to see what is going on! I feel the depression creeping back and I am determined to not fall into that pit again!
Anyone who has been a Christian long knows that Bible study and prayer are key when you are trying to battle through anything! But I haven't been very good at that lately. Not because of time....yes, time is a valuable commodity around here, but you make time for what you think is important! I make the time when I'm not in my funk, so time can't be an excuse! The bottom line is, I don't want to. I'm throwing a tantrum for God...real mature, huh?!
Two reasons for not wanting to get in the Word. One, I'm afraid of what He will tell me. I'm not ready to be stretched anymore right now. And there is one particular direction I'm pretty sure God is telling me to go that I flat don't want to. The other is, I don't feel like I have the power or energy to change anything else right now. Of course no of those are true, but in the funk I'm in, they feel true. And being in the funk I'm in, the "feelings" control me instead of truth! Bad place to be!
Maybe there is a third reason....I'm tired of battle! Part of me thinks if I quit chasing after God so hard, maybe the enemy will leave me alone for awhile. Truth? He probably will....but then God will be after me, and rightly so! So all that brings me to where I am this morning...what am I going to do between This Rock and this hard place?
Well, I'm going to fight my way back to standing on The Rock and get out of the hard place! I have had two words spoken over me and God has shown scripture that shows exactly what He wants for me right now and it is victory! I have joined the Beth Moore Scripture Memory challenge for this year thanks to the challenge of a friend of mine. So I am memorizing two scriptures a month. This month, I am memorizing some from Joel 2 which was the Word spoken over me for this year. Verse 25 says, "Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you." John and I have been married for 13 years. I would say the majority of that 13 years has been stolen by locust of one kind or another in one of us. Time and again, God has shown us that 2011 is the year to reclaim those years and see the fruit! That makes the enemy nervous and angry, and he is in full force.
I KNOW the truth! That is what frustrates me so badly! I KNOW that the enemy has no power over me that I don't hand to him! I KNOW that I am an over comer by the words of my testimony and the blood of the Lamb! But knowing it and walking in it seem to be two totally different things! So today has been a reflection of how to get that knowledge to my feet in order to walk!
I have a lot I need to get in order, but I see that the enemy uses our family size many times to drain me! And that is what God has been revealing today and even the weeks before today when I have found myself exhausted and snapping by 5:00 every day.
John and I love Parenting with Love and Logic. There are some areas of it that we have to tweek, especially parenting children from hard places, but the concepts are fabulous! I have noticed over the past few weeks, that we have slipped back into very bad old habits! Our kids have to be told EVERYTHING to do...including brush their hair in the case of the boys! We have been threatening to shave their heads (or at least cut it very short) if they don't start taking care of it. But have we followed through? NO! Instead, every morning, I find myself saying, "Have you brushed your hair?" numerous times and then waiting in the car while one of them runs back into the bathroom to brush his hair! Even the older girls have to be told EVERYTHING they are supposed to do. We have chore charts. No one looks at them! They just wait for John or I to tell them what to do! Well, by the end of the day when I have told 6 people plus myself what to do for every little step of their day, I am worn out! That's nuts!
I have said on her before that I am not an organized person. It really does not come naturally to me. I have begged with God recently to make me more organized and asked him why in the world He didn't give me more organization genes since He knew He was going to give me all these children. But the fact of the matter is, even the systems we have in place, we are not using! We are letting our children run our home and then we are all snappy and grippy!
So today, after school and homework, when John gets home, we are having a family Come to Jesus Meeting! It will start with John and I confessing the areas we have not been good parents. I think it is important to model proper failure (if there is such a thing) for your children! It is important for them to understand that even when you are not being successful you can stop, repent, and turn it around! And then we are laying down some hard and fast ground rules for chores and responsibilities around here. Mom and dad are done being drill sergeants! Its time for the responsibility for themselves to go back on the children where it belongs! And if they refuse to take the responsibility, well, then their life will become a little more miserable as they suffer natural consequences of not being able to handle responsibility. I'm doing being miserable because they can't handle responsibility!
Wish me luck...or better yet, say a prayer for us! And I will let you know how it goes! I'm off to write down some of the issues and brain storm from natural consequences!
So I have tried to do some major self-reflection to see what is going on! I feel the depression creeping back and I am determined to not fall into that pit again!
Anyone who has been a Christian long knows that Bible study and prayer are key when you are trying to battle through anything! But I haven't been very good at that lately. Not because of time....yes, time is a valuable commodity around here, but you make time for what you think is important! I make the time when I'm not in my funk, so time can't be an excuse! The bottom line is, I don't want to. I'm throwing a tantrum for God...real mature, huh?!
Two reasons for not wanting to get in the Word. One, I'm afraid of what He will tell me. I'm not ready to be stretched anymore right now. And there is one particular direction I'm pretty sure God is telling me to go that I flat don't want to. The other is, I don't feel like I have the power or energy to change anything else right now. Of course no of those are true, but in the funk I'm in, they feel true. And being in the funk I'm in, the "feelings" control me instead of truth! Bad place to be!
Maybe there is a third reason....I'm tired of battle! Part of me thinks if I quit chasing after God so hard, maybe the enemy will leave me alone for awhile. Truth? He probably will....but then God will be after me, and rightly so! So all that brings me to where I am this morning...what am I going to do between This Rock and this hard place?
Well, I'm going to fight my way back to standing on The Rock and get out of the hard place! I have had two words spoken over me and God has shown scripture that shows exactly what He wants for me right now and it is victory! I have joined the Beth Moore Scripture Memory challenge for this year thanks to the challenge of a friend of mine. So I am memorizing two scriptures a month. This month, I am memorizing some from Joel 2 which was the Word spoken over me for this year. Verse 25 says, "Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you." John and I have been married for 13 years. I would say the majority of that 13 years has been stolen by locust of one kind or another in one of us. Time and again, God has shown us that 2011 is the year to reclaim those years and see the fruit! That makes the enemy nervous and angry, and he is in full force.
I KNOW the truth! That is what frustrates me so badly! I KNOW that the enemy has no power over me that I don't hand to him! I KNOW that I am an over comer by the words of my testimony and the blood of the Lamb! But knowing it and walking in it seem to be two totally different things! So today has been a reflection of how to get that knowledge to my feet in order to walk!
I have a lot I need to get in order, but I see that the enemy uses our family size many times to drain me! And that is what God has been revealing today and even the weeks before today when I have found myself exhausted and snapping by 5:00 every day.
John and I love Parenting with Love and Logic. There are some areas of it that we have to tweek, especially parenting children from hard places, but the concepts are fabulous! I have noticed over the past few weeks, that we have slipped back into very bad old habits! Our kids have to be told EVERYTHING to do...including brush their hair in the case of the boys! We have been threatening to shave their heads (or at least cut it very short) if they don't start taking care of it. But have we followed through? NO! Instead, every morning, I find myself saying, "Have you brushed your hair?" numerous times and then waiting in the car while one of them runs back into the bathroom to brush his hair! Even the older girls have to be told EVERYTHING they are supposed to do. We have chore charts. No one looks at them! They just wait for John or I to tell them what to do! Well, by the end of the day when I have told 6 people plus myself what to do for every little step of their day, I am worn out! That's nuts!
I have said on her before that I am not an organized person. It really does not come naturally to me. I have begged with God recently to make me more organized and asked him why in the world He didn't give me more organization genes since He knew He was going to give me all these children. But the fact of the matter is, even the systems we have in place, we are not using! We are letting our children run our home and then we are all snappy and grippy!
So today, after school and homework, when John gets home, we are having a family Come to Jesus Meeting! It will start with John and I confessing the areas we have not been good parents. I think it is important to model proper failure (if there is such a thing) for your children! It is important for them to understand that even when you are not being successful you can stop, repent, and turn it around! And then we are laying down some hard and fast ground rules for chores and responsibilities around here. Mom and dad are done being drill sergeants! Its time for the responsibility for themselves to go back on the children where it belongs! And if they refuse to take the responsibility, well, then their life will become a little more miserable as they suffer natural consequences of not being able to handle responsibility. I'm doing being miserable because they can't handle responsibility!
Wish me luck...or better yet, say a prayer for us! And I will let you know how it goes! I'm off to write down some of the issues and brain storm from natural consequences!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Darkness
I have shared before about my struggle with depression. I have had some times the last few months when I felt I was really headed out of the darkness...at one point, I even told John that I hadn't realized how much darkness had encompassed me until I began to come into the light. But most recently through multiple issues/events, I felt myself slipping back into the pit. Many authors describe depression well as a pit of darkness. As you begin to slip into depression it is as if you are clinging to the side of a slippery wall that you know as you fall will find you deep in the depths of darkness and despair that feels as if it will never end. Sometimes you feel like no matter what you do, your fingers can't grip the edge, your finger nails only make grooves as you slip further and further down. Depression is kind of like other things in life that if you haven't experienced it, you really can't understand it. I know for me, before depression hit my life, I didn't understand why people couldn't just pull themselves up by the boot straps and get happy. Now I understand why. But I also know that you can fight depression, you can fight to get back on top where the light is, or you can wallow in the pit and believe all the lies and stay in a state of despair.
I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!
I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."
OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)
I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.
I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.
I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!
Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!
I was reading I John this morning at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Once again, I read a scripture that I have read many times and in fact have it underlined for a different reason...but this morning, it had all new meaning as the Holy Spirit spoke to me about depression and darkness. It was a hard lesson. It was a convicting lesson, but I believe it is a valuable one!
I John 1: 5-6 says, "This is the message we have heard from him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth."
OUCH! So for me to walk in darkness is to not practice truth and is a lie if I say I am in Him! And now, sharing this on a public forum, I have accountability because I can no longer plead ignorance! :)
I have always read "darkness" in this verse as sin, but as I read this morning, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this applies to the darkness of depression also. Depression keeps me disabled. It keeps me paralyzed...which in a sense keeps me working for the enemy! As long as he can keep me paralyzed and walking in darkness, I am not effective for the kingdom.
I don't have this all figured out yet because I know in the past there have been days that I couldn't pull myself out of the darkness no matter how much I tried...even fighting the battles I believe that when you suffer from something like depression, it is vital to have prayer warriors who can pull you out when you can't climb out on your own. I have amazing friends that God will lay me on their heart when I need prayer. Twice in the last week, I have literally felt the prayers lift me out of darkness. One day, I came out of it, but yesterday, well, I made a choice, a bad choice, I stayed in the pit. I wish I understood all of this better to know why at those moments I choose to believe lies and stay in the pit! I know part of it is that I just get tired of fighting battles and when I give in to the pit, the battle stops. I'm sure it doesn't stop in the heavens, but for me, in my mind, it stops. I am sad, I am down, I am angry, but I am not battling. I fight so many battles in my ministry and my home that when the battles inside me start, sometimes I just lay down and let the enemy walk all over me.
I hate that about myself! I hate my weakness! When I read in Acts 21 where Paul's friends are telling him that if he continues on his journey, he will be bound and delivered to his enemies Paul responds, "What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be bound, but even t die at Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." Oh how I wish I had that maturity and dedication...that even when I KNOW I am going to suffer heartache and pain, I still walk strongly into what I am called to. And maybe I do actually...I think God gives me strength to do the hard things I need to do in the ministry he has given me both as a wife, mom and adoption/child relief advocate, but when the tough times come...the children act out, the husband doesn't meet my needs, the adoptive parents attack, the government puts a halt on adoptions, false accusations against me run rampant....that is when I slink back. I lose the strength. I let those things get to me instead of standing on TRUTH!
Oh I have so much to learn in this life! Today my prayer is that no matter what today brings, I will walk in The Light and bask in His goodness...because no matter what my day brings, He is good and He loves me more than I can ever imagine! And to believe anything else is to break the heart of the One who broke His body for me on the cross!
Friday, May 29, 2009
New Perspective
The title of today's chapter in Dangerous Surrender was "An Unexpected Bond." It has given me a new perspective.
Kay Warren talks about going into a depression because of the brokenness and hopelessness she saw day in and day out as she traveled the world learning all she could about HIV/AIDS in order to be an effective advocate.
Funny, but I have found that most Christians who enter into some kind of sold out ministry for Christ eventually deal with deep depression. That has always baffled me a bit...really baffled me before I suffered from it, but even now that I have experienced it myself, it is a source of frustration and mystery how someone laying down her cross daily (well almost!) and walking in faith and obedience does not even come close to experience the abundant life Jesus promises for such devotion. Today's chapter has given me LOTS of food for thought!
Listen to this! "You now get to taste just a portion of the anguish God feels about our broken world. If you let it, this will bring you into a deeper communion with him as you begin to share in the sufferings of Christ. He suffers for our world. Now you have been allowed the privilege of joining in his pain and sorrow. You and Jesus will weep together." That sounds simple, right?! But when you see devastation time and again, when you look into the eyes of hopeless people time and again with no answers for them, when the efforts you make to try and change the world for these people are seemingly blocked from every angle, you begin to lose hope, you enter into despair, and if you are me, you blame God and get very angry at Him for not showing up! But this new perspective is that Jesus is suffering with me! Why has that thought not really occurred to me before? Well, partly because I am a self-centered, flesh filled human! And Kay talks about taking on the "I will save the world" mentality. We don't do it on purpose, but when you are confronted with that kind of despair over and over, you feel like, "I have to do something!" I have e-mails almost weekly, well they have tapered off now, from grown men in Liberia who call me "mother". Why? Because they see me as a provider, a care taker. After four years of having to tell them, I can't do anymore than I already am, and feeling horrible for not being able to change their reality, I get discouraged. I don't want to write them encouraging e-mails anymore...I just want them to leave me alone. That's Christ-like, huh?!
But this new perspective is that God is allowing me to see this so that I can enter into a whole new level of communion with Him! I can be broken over the world like He is. Then I can work with Him to impact their brokenness with the Truth of Him. This is going to take some time to ponder and soak in! If I'm rambling its because you guys are witnessing my thought process here...scary, huh?!! :)
She talks about how looking at it from this perspective means to love God passionately and deeply would automatically lead to my heart being broken, which in my flesh leads to "Take on the world by yourself!" She shares that with that attitude, I am "inadvertently cheating myself our of the consolation and comfort available to me through sharing in the fellowship of the sufferings of Jesus." Then a sentence I need to write on my mirror and the wall of my office: "I had to surrender my desire to save the world."
Wow! That is going to take some time to soak in! I think that sentence is going to be profound for me! I never started out thinking I will save the world! In fact, as I stated in the past posts, I have tried to guard against that. But with the more devastation I have seen, the more I felt a need to "do" something! When how God wanted me to respond was to sink deeper into Him and weep with Him while working to help whomever He allows!
Now for a passion of mine that she touched on! As I work in this ministry, the inability of Christians to work together mystifies me! I have attempted so many times to reach out to others to join our efforts. Some have been receptive, but many more have not. It is frustrating and often a source of anger for me that I have to work through. I can just see how much more effective we could be in showing Jesus to the world if we worked together. But I think Kay hit a nail on the head when she said this:
"In community our misguided attempts to save the world by ourselves are challenged. In community, our motivations are held up to loving scrutiny. In community, the weight of the world is carried by other committed Christ-followers. In community, we go into his presence together to share the celebration of his sacrifice of our sins. In community, dangerous surrender on the part of a group member is a cause for rejoicing, not a decision to ridicule and mock."
Oh if the Body could get that! What a difference it would make!
Lots to ponder.......
Kay Warren talks about going into a depression because of the brokenness and hopelessness she saw day in and day out as she traveled the world learning all she could about HIV/AIDS in order to be an effective advocate.
Funny, but I have found that most Christians who enter into some kind of sold out ministry for Christ eventually deal with deep depression. That has always baffled me a bit...really baffled me before I suffered from it, but even now that I have experienced it myself, it is a source of frustration and mystery how someone laying down her cross daily (well almost!) and walking in faith and obedience does not even come close to experience the abundant life Jesus promises for such devotion. Today's chapter has given me LOTS of food for thought!
Listen to this! "You now get to taste just a portion of the anguish God feels about our broken world. If you let it, this will bring you into a deeper communion with him as you begin to share in the sufferings of Christ. He suffers for our world. Now you have been allowed the privilege of joining in his pain and sorrow. You and Jesus will weep together." That sounds simple, right?! But when you see devastation time and again, when you look into the eyes of hopeless people time and again with no answers for them, when the efforts you make to try and change the world for these people are seemingly blocked from every angle, you begin to lose hope, you enter into despair, and if you are me, you blame God and get very angry at Him for not showing up! But this new perspective is that Jesus is suffering with me! Why has that thought not really occurred to me before? Well, partly because I am a self-centered, flesh filled human! And Kay talks about taking on the "I will save the world" mentality. We don't do it on purpose, but when you are confronted with that kind of despair over and over, you feel like, "I have to do something!" I have e-mails almost weekly, well they have tapered off now, from grown men in Liberia who call me "mother". Why? Because they see me as a provider, a care taker. After four years of having to tell them, I can't do anymore than I already am, and feeling horrible for not being able to change their reality, I get discouraged. I don't want to write them encouraging e-mails anymore...I just want them to leave me alone. That's Christ-like, huh?!
But this new perspective is that God is allowing me to see this so that I can enter into a whole new level of communion with Him! I can be broken over the world like He is. Then I can work with Him to impact their brokenness with the Truth of Him. This is going to take some time to ponder and soak in! If I'm rambling its because you guys are witnessing my thought process here...scary, huh?!! :)
She talks about how looking at it from this perspective means to love God passionately and deeply would automatically lead to my heart being broken, which in my flesh leads to "Take on the world by yourself!" She shares that with that attitude, I am "inadvertently cheating myself our of the consolation and comfort available to me through sharing in the fellowship of the sufferings of Jesus." Then a sentence I need to write on my mirror and the wall of my office: "I had to surrender my desire to save the world."
Wow! That is going to take some time to soak in! I think that sentence is going to be profound for me! I never started out thinking I will save the world! In fact, as I stated in the past posts, I have tried to guard against that. But with the more devastation I have seen, the more I felt a need to "do" something! When how God wanted me to respond was to sink deeper into Him and weep with Him while working to help whomever He allows!
Now for a passion of mine that she touched on! As I work in this ministry, the inability of Christians to work together mystifies me! I have attempted so many times to reach out to others to join our efforts. Some have been receptive, but many more have not. It is frustrating and often a source of anger for me that I have to work through. I can just see how much more effective we could be in showing Jesus to the world if we worked together. But I think Kay hit a nail on the head when she said this:
"In community our misguided attempts to save the world by ourselves are challenged. In community, our motivations are held up to loving scrutiny. In community, the weight of the world is carried by other committed Christ-followers. In community, we go into his presence together to share the celebration of his sacrifice of our sins. In community, dangerous surrender on the part of a group member is a cause for rejoicing, not a decision to ridicule and mock."
Oh if the Body could get that! What a difference it would make!
Lots to ponder.......
Saturday, November 15, 2008
This post has been a long time coming! - Part Three
Boy you guys get ugly when I don't finish a story! 
So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.
So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?
There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!
But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.
In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.
Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!
But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.
On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.
I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*
So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!
I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!
So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!
I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "
And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!
I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!
I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!
So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!
So during this whole time of looking for a house in John's home town, praying through the job situation, praying for someone to take my place, etc, etc, I never stopped my daily morning meetings with God. One thing I have learned over the past 10 years is that no matter how I 'feel', I have to get alone with God every day! Just missing one meeting with Him will throw an entire day off. I guess I am a little less mature than the average bear because I truly can't be Jesus to the world with out that meeting! I can tell the days I don't...I am stressed, I am anxious, I react more in the flesh to people around me, etc, etc. So during these times with God, I wasn't really getting much out of it. I was reading and praying, but just wasn't hearing much. It was a winter time in my time with God.
So I went and got a book off my book shelf to see if I could spark some conversation with God. I picked up "The Gatekeeper". I have no idea where it came from, probably a garage sale or something, but I started reading it since it had to do with money and we were really struggling with how we were going to live with out my being at the agency. The book stirred something in me. This is evidence that God can use anything to speak to us when He wants to! I actually disagreed with about 90% of what the book said. I even laughed out loud at some parts. The basic principles of the book were good, but it was a definite prosperity gospel that I don't believe. But the book talked about each of us having a place in the body of Christ. That our specific talents and knowledge are given to us in order to accomplish the bigger work of God's kingdom. I thought a lot about that and leaving the agency. I knew that God took me through Eden's failed adoption so that I would know what I knew in order to bring the kids home from Liberia. Was he really calling me to quit?
There is no way for me to communicate my excitement over getting to quit the agency. It wasn't that I had lost my passion for children and families, but in all the attacks and stress, I had become hardened. I took each one personally and had in return built a wall around my heart and my ministry so no one could hurt me anymore. In a sense I had been serving man and not God because I was letting the reactions of the people around me dictate my worth and success. I had always (and still do) prayed that if I become prideful or get to a point where I can't serve my families in the way they should be as they walk through this incredible journey of adoption that God would shut my doors. So I just figured, this was Him answering that prayer!
But as I read this book and thought on the principles,something stirred. I mentioned to John a couple of times that I wasn't sure we were done in Liberia, but I didn't know what that meant. He felt the same.
In the mean time, we had met with a young lady who was going to come work for us anyway, but asked her if she would be interested in taking over the entire agency? After praying through that, she said yes. So we started the ball rolling to turn over the entire ministry to her.
Still not knowing for sure where we would live or how we would turn the agency over, I started making plans to be a full time wife and mother once again! I was so excited! See that has been my one true passion my entire life! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say "a wife and mother". I still feel that way! The agency had taken over! It was the core of our home. Things were out of balance. And I was so excited to get to be with my kids full time again!
But even in that, there was this nagging feeling that I was running. I didn't really understand that because I had been on my knees this whole time. I truly had the heart to follow God! I wasn't trying to pursue my own desires, I had told Him I would do whatever He wanted and believed this was it....but there was still this nagging feeling.
On June 19, all that nagging feeling would get the best of me! It was about 10:30 at night when the phone rang. It was the sister of a friend who was in Haiti. She has been in the adoption process every since I have known her....about 4 or 5 years! She has lost babies too many times to count. She was in Haiti visiting her children and had just found out that things were in order where she could file her I600, but her husband was not with her. *Side note...this friend just had her visa denied...pray for her! I think she can get the kids home, but she needs the cooperation of the agency director to do that! Pray that all is in order FAST to get these babies home! - Friend, if you want to comment and put your blog address so my friends can follow your story, please do that! I just didn't want to reveal you unless you wanted to be revealed!* Since her husband was not with her, she needed to have a power of attorney for him. Her sister was calling me because they didn't know where to get a power of attorney that said the things it needed to say. I told her that was no problem, took down her e-mail address, told her to check it in a few minutes, and sent her the power of attorney that we use telling her to change Liberia to Haiti and it would work! After I hit send, I got to thinking....what was a seemingly insurmountable mountain to this friend, was a 10 minute fix for me. Not because I am better or smarter, or any of those prideful things...but because God has equipped me for this work that He has for me. So with the house quiet because everyone else was in bed, I started questioning my decision to quit the agency. I had seen the Red Letters Campaign logo on many of my friends websites, and their motto "I believe living my faith can end poverty" had intrigued me, but I hadn't had time to check it out. So that night, I took the time.
I clicked on the logo that took me to their site, and I watched the video. By the time it finished, I was broken! I had tears streaming down my face (that happened a lot at that time in my life, but this time it was for a different reason)! This group of brothers and sisters in Christ had my heart! One of my biggest struggles in the agency was that I felt all alone. We had no support from our church, John had too many commitments with his new job to really work with me, and I didn't have any "friends" who had a clue what my life was about. But as I listened to this video, I heard people with a heart for people that I had! They shared our frustration with the local church not doing enough to help people find their strengths and use those to change the world! They shared my believe that God intends for us to work as a BODY, not as individuals or even as individual churches. We are all one! Somehow, staring at the video screen, I felt less alone. *God side note - less than two months after this night, I had the awesome privilege of meeting the founders of RLC when they came to a fund raising dinner for Addy's Hope orphanage project! How awesome is that? They had no clue that just two months before, they had been instrumental in God working in my life! Still not sure they know that fully*
So I got my Bible, and my journal and got on my face seeking God with all that is in me! I got up from my time with God knowing that I was not going to quit the agency, but in fact it was going to grow. I literally scripted my conversation with God! I would ask a question, then I would write His response. He knew I had to hear Him that clearly in order to obey! And I knew I had to write it down because just as I predicted, within 24 hours, I was already wanting to say I didn't really hear God that night, and I could go ahead and quit!
I won't share all of the conversation here as much of it is very personal (the agency wasn't all the issues I was dealing with...and out of respect for my family, I will not go public with all of them!). But here is some of what transpired that night when the rest of my house was sleeping:
Me: Make clear the path you have for me!
God: Day by day, daughter, day by day!
Me: But how do I hope for tomorrow?
God: Faith and trust in Me (Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see)
Me: So can I "hope" to stay in this house?
God: Why not?
Me: Because we can't afford it!
God: But I can!
Me: **with lots of lines under it in my journal.....was frustrated at this point!** I know You can, but WILL You? That is my question for you!
God: Obedience - be obedient!
Me: What does that mean?
God: Get up each day and do that days work - let tomorrow take care of itself.
(some more personal stuff....)
Me: Can you not just give me a 'yes' or 'no'?
God: No! - ha!ha! (I have always said God has a sick sense of humor!) If I showed you too far ahead, it wouldn't be faith and it would scare you. I give you just enough grace for today - not for tomorrow.
Me: Am I supposed to hand over the agency? How do we do that?
God: Slow down....step by step!
Me: I want the whole picture!
God: You can't have it - you couldn't handle it!
So that is how I came back to the agency. After that conversation, I felt lead to go to Isaiah 54. Versus 2-3 had been a verse I had written as a promise for Addy's Hope for a long time...and God renewed that vision in my again. It says, "Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your swellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities." Basically, God said, get your stuff together! I am fixing to blow the doors wide open and you are going to expand!
I have it now marked in my Bible as God's promise to me in June 2008 to keep walking through the fires, both in ministry and personally. Verses 11-17 became my life verse that I clung to in the coming days as I came out of the fog of depression and gained a boldness in my daily life, "O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and your foundations I will lay in sapphires. Moreover, I will make your battlements of rubies, and your gates of crystal...You will be far from oppression, for you will not fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you....whoever assails you will fall because of you...No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their vindication is from Me," declares the Lord. "
And God has stayed true to His promise. There are still areas of great struggle! Areas where I don't understand what God wants from me. But I know now more than ever that God has my back, my side and my front! He wants me to serve him, walk in faith and obedience, and He will take care of the rest!
I have seen more miracles in the past 5 months than in my whole life! I went to Liberia this summer with a resolve and confidence, knowing that I was going in the power of the Holy Spirit, and stormed every office I entered! I didn't go in "begging them to work with us", but I went in knowing that I was sent by God to speak on behalf of His children in need. It was an awesome trip where I saw God's visible hand too many times to count!
I came back to the agency knowing it is God I work for and not man. There are times that people will be unhappy with me, and that is ok! I do my best to serve, and that is all I can do!
So that is the rest of the story....well, up to today as God is still writing my story! Praise God!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
This post has been a long time coming! - Part Two
So I did explode...several times! My kids thought there mom had lost her mind, I am quite sure. I can remember one time having to leave the house and walk around it several times to calm down and wondering if I really was losing it! John would just look at me like I was nuts, well I probably was!
I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!
Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!
I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!
He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!
He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!
So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!
to be continued........
I didn't understand what was happening! I have always been a very put together, controlled person. Who was this woman and when was she leaving?! I still don't fully understand it all, but I know God had a purpose and is still showing me growth that came from this very dark time!
Sometime last Spring, we finally decided that enough was enough. I had a dear mentor that I had shared all this with, and she agreed that there was not choice but to quit the agency. I had to get my family and life back. I had to get away from the attacks that the agency brought (spiritual and literal) and focus on my husband, children and home which should always be my first ministry!
I talked to John and it was decided. I would quit the agency. That sounds simple, but in fact it would mean major life changes for us! I don't make much! In fact, one of our dear board members when he found out what I make said, "I wouldn't mow yards for that!" I thought that was great! It has never been about the money! It is about the children and the families. But the little I did make is what allowed us to buy the house I am in. When you are on a shoe string budget, even $20 makes a difference! So for me to quit the agency meant having to move. The housing market was such where we live that we could make really good money on our house, but didn't want to spend what we would have to in order to live here. There were other issues as well, so we decided to move. A job came open in John's home town and he felt called to apply for it. It would mean leaving a job he loved to go back to being a principal, a job he likes, but has a lot of stress and expectation that we have enjoyed being out from under!
He sent in his application on the last day the job was open. He had been asked by the superintendent to apply, so we felt pretty confident he would get the job. We started looking at house in a town where there were literally 2 houses for sale! Well, 3 counting the one that we were scared we were going to fall through the floor!
He went in to tell his boss that he had applied for the job. His boss shut the door and ask him to reconsider. The boss told John that he had been offered a job at a university and was seriously considering taking it. The plan had always been for John to take his position when he left. So that threw another monkey wrench in things!
So the waiting and praying began. John would end up getting both job offers. He decided to take it, but even with his wonderful raise, we would not be able to make house payments and care for four children. We kept looking for houses in John's home town which would be a 45 minute commute for him. But no houses that we could afford and live in were available. We even looked at building, John's dream! We started fixing up this house to sell. Doing in expensive remodels to make more money. And praying that God would provide a house in the town we were looking at!
to be continued........
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
This post has been a long time coming!
Over the past year, I have made several references to something I would post later. I had started the post in a word document, then my computer crashed. So I am going to just hack away at this until I have it all out there. Maybe I will get it all done tonight, or maybe it will be a multiple post story....
I touched on some of my story here. But that was not the whole of it.
I am really not sure when it all started. It was probably late in 2007. I started having problems thinking. It got the point that I couldn't even finish a sentence with out someone giving me the word. It was driving me nuts! I had suffered pretty severe postpartum depression with Ava, even took medicine for a few months. It felt like that was coming back, but everyone said it was too long after the birth for it to be postpartum. So I just went on, living with the issues and telling myself I had to press on! I am the queen of "press on"!
As you know, we took a trip in January of this year to pick up our sweet Toben. On that trip, many things happened. One of the biggest is that a man saw us having dinner (our 4 families and three families from another agency...there were a bunch of us white people with black children!). The guy was from UNICEF but was working with the government to do something...never really was sure what. Didn't really care either! By the next morning, he had "reported" us to the Ministry of Health. The Deputy Minister (who by the way has live in the US for 20 years and whose family STILL lives here!) had put our children's visas on hold and sent out letters stating that we were to be arrested if we tried to cross the borders with our children. So that started a 5 day battle to get our children out.
Turns out the deputy minister had NO RIGHT to do what he did as we already had our papers (including the report from HIS office that was required for the adoptions!). So we were able to get our children home. However, there was a ton of emotions that I experienced. I was there as an agency director, but also as an adoptive mother. John and I both had to wear many caps that trip. We got to see God move mountains, and it was awesome! But it took its toll on my already worn out faith, strength, mind and emotions. I really had to face the fact that I could once again leave a child in Africa, at an airport. It wasn't until we were on the way (very late!) to the airport about 45 minutes before out plain was to take off that we found out we had clearance from all branches of the government and would be allowed on the plane with our children. We refer to that trip as the time we saw the Red Sea part and we walked through it!
By the time we got home, the story had hit international media. There were articles on msnbc and yahoo that said I had been involved in child trafficking and "sneaked" the children out of the country. It was all false, crazy accusations, but still, they were out there for the whole world to see! I seriously didn't know if the FBI was going to knock on my door and arrest me. I know that sounds crazy and dramatic, but when you know the seriousness with which the state department takes child trafficking, and you have a high ranking government official (the same one mentioned earlier!) in a country being quoted as saying you "sneaked" children out of his country, it makes you wonder! We spent the next few days talking to the State Department and a dear friend of ours who has connections in DC to clear our name and make sure there would be no ramifications from this on our side.
So not only was I dealing with all that, but I was also trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 and having a new little man in the house who didn't know the rules and who really messed up pecking order in the P-tree home! Add on top of that 19 families who had heard bits and pieces of our week, but really didn't know for sure what was going on or what it meant for their children. I understood their need for info, but I was really just in need of a break! But no break would come! So I pressed on! (see, there it is again!)
I pressed on through that crisis, through Toben getting settled and Ava getting used to another "baby" in the house. Toben needed lots of hugs and cuddles as can be expected with what he had just experienced! Ava wasn't so sure about sharing her momma! And as many of you know (and I will try to post more on at some point), I don't bond quickly with my adopted children. So while all this was going on, I was trying not to project everything I felt about this country onto my child who just came from there! That was probably one of the hardest parts in those first few weeks!
I assured all my parents that I would continue to fight for their children as if they were my own, and I did. I fought the government, I fought parents who didn't think I was doing enough, I fought feelings of desperation because there was nothing more I could do, I fought personal attacks from parents on blogs (I have learned to be VERY careful which blogs I read!). Add on to that issues in my home. Marriage issues over expectations as the agency took more and more of my time which meant less and less was spent with family and on keeping the house running smoothly. I truly was a time bomb ticking, just waiting to explode.
to be continued..............................................
I touched on some of my story here. But that was not the whole of it.
I am really not sure when it all started. It was probably late in 2007. I started having problems thinking. It got the point that I couldn't even finish a sentence with out someone giving me the word. It was driving me nuts! I had suffered pretty severe postpartum depression with Ava, even took medicine for a few months. It felt like that was coming back, but everyone said it was too long after the birth for it to be postpartum. So I just went on, living with the issues and telling myself I had to press on! I am the queen of "press on"!
As you know, we took a trip in January of this year to pick up our sweet Toben. On that trip, many things happened. One of the biggest is that a man saw us having dinner (our 4 families and three families from another agency...there were a bunch of us white people with black children!). The guy was from UNICEF but was working with the government to do something...never really was sure what. Didn't really care either! By the next morning, he had "reported" us to the Ministry of Health. The Deputy Minister (who by the way has live in the US for 20 years and whose family STILL lives here!) had put our children's visas on hold and sent out letters stating that we were to be arrested if we tried to cross the borders with our children. So that started a 5 day battle to get our children out.
Turns out the deputy minister had NO RIGHT to do what he did as we already had our papers (including the report from HIS office that was required for the adoptions!). So we were able to get our children home. However, there was a ton of emotions that I experienced. I was there as an agency director, but also as an adoptive mother. John and I both had to wear many caps that trip. We got to see God move mountains, and it was awesome! But it took its toll on my already worn out faith, strength, mind and emotions. I really had to face the fact that I could once again leave a child in Africa, at an airport. It wasn't until we were on the way (very late!) to the airport about 45 minutes before out plain was to take off that we found out we had clearance from all branches of the government and would be allowed on the plane with our children. We refer to that trip as the time we saw the Red Sea part and we walked through it!
By the time we got home, the story had hit international media. There were articles on msnbc and yahoo that said I had been involved in child trafficking and "sneaked" the children out of the country. It was all false, crazy accusations, but still, they were out there for the whole world to see! I seriously didn't know if the FBI was going to knock on my door and arrest me. I know that sounds crazy and dramatic, but when you know the seriousness with which the state department takes child trafficking, and you have a high ranking government official (the same one mentioned earlier!) in a country being quoted as saying you "sneaked" children out of his country, it makes you wonder! We spent the next few days talking to the State Department and a dear friend of ours who has connections in DC to clear our name and make sure there would be no ramifications from this on our side.
So not only was I dealing with all that, but I was also trying to adjust to being the mother of 4 and having a new little man in the house who didn't know the rules and who really messed up pecking order in the P-tree home! Add on top of that 19 families who had heard bits and pieces of our week, but really didn't know for sure what was going on or what it meant for their children. I understood their need for info, but I was really just in need of a break! But no break would come! So I pressed on! (see, there it is again!)
I pressed on through that crisis, through Toben getting settled and Ava getting used to another "baby" in the house. Toben needed lots of hugs and cuddles as can be expected with what he had just experienced! Ava wasn't so sure about sharing her momma! And as many of you know (and I will try to post more on at some point), I don't bond quickly with my adopted children. So while all this was going on, I was trying not to project everything I felt about this country onto my child who just came from there! That was probably one of the hardest parts in those first few weeks!
I assured all my parents that I would continue to fight for their children as if they were my own, and I did. I fought the government, I fought parents who didn't think I was doing enough, I fought feelings of desperation because there was nothing more I could do, I fought personal attacks from parents on blogs (I have learned to be VERY careful which blogs I read!). Add on to that issues in my home. Marriage issues over expectations as the agency took more and more of my time which meant less and less was spent with family and on keeping the house running smoothly. I truly was a time bomb ticking, just waiting to explode.
to be continued..............................................
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