I Didn't Choose It

I have had several people lately mention in conversation that John and I chose this life. I don't know if it's arrogance wanting credit for all that we do in our home that few people understand or know, or if it's my frustration that more people are not "choosing" it, but the comment always rubs me the wrong way. So much so that the last time someone mentioned it, I actually stopped them and corrected them.

If by "choose" you mean we said yes when God asked us to jump, then I can agree we chose this life! But as a Christ follower who believes we have a different reality and set of rules than those who are not Christ followers, I've never really considered obedience to God a choice! I mean I have had my struggles where I didn't follow Him - I am a sinner in need of his grace DAILY if not HOURLY! But I have always been extremely convicted even when I didn't understand at all kingdom living on earth that doing what God asked me to do was the best choice for me. Galatians 5:13 puts it like this, "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love." (NIV)

However, the way our "choice" usually comes up in conversation is when someone is talking about the stress we endure or the chaos we manage. That is the definition of choice that makes me want to scream from a rooftop - I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS LIFE!

John most recently said it best. When we took on the responsibility of being parents to 9 individual children-10 now if you count the 17 year old living with us this year - we did choose to take on the spiritual responsibility, the financial responsibility, the demands of raising these humans to adulthood and supporting them until death. However, when we said yes to a number of our children, we had NO IDEA what the future looked like!

Let me stop here and be very clear, this is not a post of regret about saying yes to ANY of my children!  I love each and every one of them! I know God placed them in my home, and I am honored and blessed to be their mom! There are no regrets to saying yes! This is not a post to get sympathy or 'at-a-boys' from anyone.  It's simply a post of awareness for those of us raising kids who have struggles we didn't know they would have. It's a post of education to what NOT to say to families who are struggling with behaviors rooted in what happened to children BEFORE they came into the family. It's a post to ask if this is a choice, then why are more not choosing it who say Jesus is their Lord?

Back to saying yes - I have a biological daughter who many would say I "chose" to birth - because many would have ended her life in utero due to her genetic malformation. Did I choose to give her life? You bet I did! Would I choose to do it again? One THOUSAND times INFINITY I would! Would I choose for my daughter to have a special needs child? NO!

Many of my kids came to me as babies - newborns. Just like with Ava, there was no way to know the future. I held perfect little babies! They met all their milestones, they grew and loved and attached and were just my babies. Did I choose to adopt a healthy baby who might have some learning disabilities because of choices their birth mothers made during pregnancy? Yes! Did I choose to have mental hospital stays? Did I choose to have daily trips to the school to calm a child wrecked by anxiety and unable to manage it well? Did I choose to bare scars from meltdowns that resulted in scratches? Did I choose to hear "you're not my mom" multiple times as children process their own loss and grief? NO!

Raising children with trauma, saying yes when God asked us, does not mean we chose the life you see us live today! It does mean that we are committed to parenting our children for a lifetime! It does mean that we trust God knew our today when we said yes yesterday - and we trust Him to hold our tomorrow! It does mean that we have to daily rely on Him to fill us up in order to just pour into our family - with the hope of one day being able to minister outside our family more.

So please, before you look at a family like ours - or anyone in a situation that may be more than they said "yes" to - and think we chose this, please reconsider! And while you are at it, would you consider a yes to a life that may be more than you bargained for? There are nearly 7,000 children in Texas who need someone to say yes to them for forever - and many more who need a temporary yes while their parents get their feet back on the ground! I can promise you it will be more than you thought you said yes to - but not all that "more" is a bad thing! We have more love, more grace, more laughing, and more compassion than I ever could have imagined raising in the family we would have had if we had not said yes!

Confessions of a Weary Mom

So my original title to this blog was "Confessions of a Bad Mom", but a wise friend recently reminded me of the power of words! So I changed it to confessions of a weary mom. While "bad mom" is not who I am, weariness has caused me to act as a bad mom! 

I ran away this week. I mean, I went to help my parents pack and kick off a new program in San Angelo, but really, I ran away. I needed a break. I never understood women who left their husband and children - until the last few years.  

This is a very raw and transparent post. I share because I believe there are SO MANY of us bad  weary moms out there! Especially the tribe of moms with children from hard places or children with special needs - and especially those of us with all the above! I share because I want you to know you are not alone! I share because I think we need to talk more about what happens behind our closed doors. I desperately want to protect my children's stories - but the fact is, their stories intersect mine! I will attempt to walk that thin line here, please give me some grace if I overstep. I also want you to know this is NOT a post written after I have it all together and am sharing from a new perspective. I am sharing from the pit - but I am clawing at the sides determined to get out - and I want to take any other moms in the pit with me! 

In the last three months, I have had a child pack their bags to move out because being respectful was too much to ask, I have had a child tell me our family "sucks" and they want a new one, I have scars on my arm from a child's meltdown that left me bleeding (other family members and a few educators wear similar marks from the same types of meltdowns), I have been told I put other orphans before my own children, I have listened as a new diagnosis is explored for one child – a diagnosis that could possibly have occurred because of medicine I was prescribed during pregnancy, I have been told my sacrifice to be a stay home mom in early years as well as pouring my life into another human means nothing, I have heard words in my home that I never dreamed would be said. I have cried, I have screamed, I have walked away, I have planned my own death, I have run away. I don't share this for pitty or to get a "you're not a bad mom" response. I share because too often we put on a smile and walk around like all is well - while the mom we meet in the grocery store does the same thing. But actually we are both weary and dying in side. I share because I want that mom to know she is not alone - and if you are ready to do the work to climb out of the pit, I want to help you while you help me! I am not interested in sitting in the pit and complaining about it, or sitting in the pit and feeling sorry for myself. I have tried both - and they don't work! 

So let's start climbing!

I ran away this week because I needed a break! I didn't "want" a break, I "needed" a break! My physical body and frayed emotions could no longer respond in a loving and nurturing way to my family. There are many dynamics happening in our family. Many that I will never share in a forum such as this. Any one of the dynamics would probably have been manageable, but when you add all that is happening together, it became my perfect storm. 

Let me pause here to say, if you are meeting me for the first time through this post, I LOVE my children!! I have 9 beautiful creations of God that He has entrusted to me to nurture, disciple, and raise into warriors for Him! While some of their choices of actions and words did give me small pushes into the pit, the real issue here is me. I am the adult. So if my home is not running in a way that I can live there in a healthy manner, I have to look at myself first. And the Truth is that God would not give me these children if He was not equipping me to parent them and give them all they need! None are here by mistake or accident. They are all mine by His design!

Therefore, this week has been lots of pressing into God, stilling myself to listen, lots of self-reflecting. I know that I do not like the mom I was when I left last week. It is not the mom that I want to be! That left me wondering – how did I get here? It didn’t happen overnight. It was a slow process of demands and stress that slowly but surely swallowed the moments of joy being a mom has always brought me. The needs of my children, the struggles they have because of no fault of their own, the pull of walking other families through the same struggles – all of it had left me anxious, irritable, depressed, on edge….and empty. Oh so empty.

About 4 years ago I realized I was headed down this path. I had always heard “self-care” and thought “selfish”.  But after being stuck in the house with 8 children, 4 of whom were 3 and under, I realized “self-care” is actually read “survival”! I had to find ways to rejuvenate myself. I had to find ways to pour back into myself. My husband was running on empty too! He couldn’t be my pourer – and no one can pour out of an empty cup! I had to find a way to fill mine!

I began allowing myself to take 15 minutes to take a bubble bath, or an hour to get a pedicure, or even just allowing myself to go to the grocery store without any kids to have a mental break from the “MOM!!!!!” that I heard multiple times every 60 seconds. But it just was not enough. The output was still more than the input. I was maxed out, and my emotional and physical bank accounts were becoming more and more overdrawn – taking more and more to even bring them up to zero.

Being an introvert (one who refuels by being alone) in a house of 10 people with 8 of them being children (well 7 – my 18 year old adult child would be very miffed I did not note her adult status!) means there is very little opportunity to refuel. That has to change. That means getting up early enough to have a quiet house to start my day. It also means more structure – a scheduled day for the summer; and with more structure has to come more nurture because the balance must stay the same. For a mom who does not do structure well naturally, that at first sounds like more demands – but I have watched enough moms that I admire to know that structure is a good – no GREAT thing for larger families!

So that’s my one thing I am implanting as I return to my home! I will make myself rise before the sun to insure I have quiet time to refuel and be ready to love my children – and my husband! ;) I will find a schedule that works for us – all of us!

If you could hear yourself in this post – the weariness, the despair of what is happening in your home, can I ask you to think of just ONE thing you can do this week? What one thing could you implement to give you some rest, to pour into your tank?

·       Hire a housekeeper

·       Implement an hour of rest time each day – include yourself in that time!

·       Go for a walk while your husband and kids clean up dinner dishes

·       Set aside 30 minutes a day to read that book that’s been sitting on your nightstand

·       Find some fun stickers to use when scheduling your week! (another confession – I have a horrible addiction to office supplies, and the calendar stickers make me very happy!)

·       meal plan and try out the online grocery shopping if you have not already

Find one thing to help YOU this week! Remember self-care is not selfish, it is survival! And Mommas, we are not just going to survive, we are going to LIVE! Who is with me?! Let’s get out of this pit!

I would love to hear from you and how are climbing out of the pit! You can get in touch with me on Twitter @HPetree or Instagram blessedtimes9.

An Open Letter to the Parents of My Child's Classmates

This is a message sent out after school today in one of my children's classes. Before you read any further in this post, stop and think, "What would I think if this note came home from my child's class?" I know the me of five years ago probably would have wanted to know what in the world was happening in that class. How did a teacher get scratched? Why do you feel the need to assure me my child was safe? Are they really safe?

But today when I read it, I just cried....it was my child. My child put the scratch on the teacher. As I read what the school sent out, my heart broke. Let me stop here and say that we have worked hard to get where we are - but we now have an amazing team of educators working with us for our child. I understand why they had to send a message - well, my head understands it, but my heart really just wants to yell at somebody! If I could have followed that message sent out to the parents by the school with my own message, it would go something like this:

Dear Parents,

It was my child. My child put the scratch on our teacher's face. She is just as horrified as you are! I wish you could have seen how she cried when she realized she had hurt the teacher she dearly loves. I wish you could have seen how brave she was as she sat in a room with a mental health crisis worker, a behavioral specialist, her principal, her teacher, her teacher's aid, and the special programs director as she told her side of the story. I wish you could have felt her heart racing, seen the look in her eyes as she apologized to all she hurt in her meltdown. I wish you could have heard how detailed she spoke about what is happening in her mind and body when her body takes over and her mind shuts down because of fear, sadness, and anxiety! I wish you could hear her tell the mental health crisis worker how she wants to sing "What  Beautiful Name" when she starts getting anxious to calm herself down, but sometimes she doesn't remember to. She shared that she wants to sing on stage some day - I wish you could hear her BIG, BEAUTIFUL voice! Did any of you notice last week that she stood on the top row, the ENTIRE music program and sang, and did motions?! Did you know how hard she worked in the days leading up to that moment to convince herself she could in fact do that?! While you were snapping pictures with your child's friends to document all their cute Seuss hair, we were congratulating our daughter on staying on the stage! Celebrating big just how brave she is! Alone, no friends coming to take pictures with her, but BRAVE! Thank you to the mom who did ask at the end if she wanted to take a picture with her daughter. I don't know who you are, but you made this momma's night!

I wish you could get to know my child! I wish you could see the light that shines in her eyes when she feels safe! I wish you could see how she loves to give big hugs when she feels safe - even though your child has probably told you she hits, and screams, and bites when someone touches her. I wish you knew that only happens when her trauma kicks in and she has little to no control over her actions because her natural instinct to protect herself takes over. I wish you knew just how much she loves Jesus and wants to be like Him!

I have heard the whispers. I see the stares as we walk down the hall after an incident. I have had my friends tell me over coffee or lunch that their friend talked about the girl in their child's class who acts so badly - not knowing that their friend is my friend - the mom of that terrible child. I have heard my friends tell me how they have defended us as a family and assured their other friends that we are loving parents despite what so many assume about us based on our daughter's behaviors. I have even sat across tables from some of you as you made comments about my daughter  while looking me in the eye.

I wish you could walk in my shoes for just one day. I wish you could love a child with all your heart who struggles just to make it through daily life because of no fault of her own - or of yours! I wish you could sit as a mom beside your child as they realize the horrors they have caused and are heart broken because of it. I wish you could hold my child while she cries because she knows no one wants to come to her house for a sleep over because she scratched her teacher in a bodily response she couldn't control. I wish you understood.

My daughter is kind, brave, beautiful, compassionate, brilliant, artistic, musical, strong, loving - and a victim of early childhood trauma. Please look beyond the latter to see the real her. And please encourage your children to do the same.

Sincerely,
One Proud & Heart Broken Momma

What Frozen Taught Me About My Children From Hard Places

Like most of you, I am sure, we own Frozen.  And like most of you, we have watched it 1,439 times.  Madison can almost quote it word for word! We hadn't watched it in a while, and she asked to watch it the other day.  I have to admit, I really like do like the movie...and the songs!  I can relate to a lot of the sentiment in Let it Go! And to be honest, I usually join in the crooning with Madison and the other toddlers when the songs come on during the movie!  But this time as "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" played, I was struck by the scene where the father is putting the gloves on Elsa's hands.  With a smile on his face showing that he truly only has Elsa's best interest at heart, he slips the glove on her hand and says, "Conceal it" which Elsa finishes with "Don't feel it".  Then in unison, they say, "Don't let it show."

I was immediately struck by just how much of a picture that is in so many homes where we have children with a history of trauma!  How many times have we handed our kids "gloves" to put over their hurts and simply said, conceal it.  Don't feel it.  And they repeat, "Don't let it show!" Just like Elsa's father, we have the best intentions, right?  We want to protect our children from the hurts they have suffered in the past, and we want to protect our children from what other people will think of them, or if we are really honest, what other people will think of us if they "show" their true colors by acting out in their hurt or wounds. "Conceal it, don't feel it. Don't let it show!"

With that thinking in mind, I rewind the disc and listen to more of this scenario and am brought to tears as I think of how I have reacted at times to my children.  As soon as the parents throw open the door to the ballroom and see Elsa holding a limp Anna and ice all around, the father in a very stern voice says, "Elsa! What have you done?!" Immediately Elsa feels guilty, sad and starts trying to explain.  What had she done? She had been innocently playing with her sister and accidentally injured her by over zealously using her power in fun.  How many times have my children been snapped at simply because they were acting in fun and because of their past trauma didn't realize they were hurting someone?  Have I stopped and given them time to explain?  Have I stopped and explained to them that I am not mad or upset with them, but just explain why the behavior is not ok? Have I stopped and given them an opportunity to empathize with the person they hurt and then apologize for hurting them? The parents do what many of us do in a crisis with our children from trauma...we scoop them up and take them to the specialist, right?! This is a very loving and logical act.  But sometimes we get poor advice from "specialists" and sometimes maybe perhaps we over reacted to good advice.  The specialist tells the father that there is beauty in Elsa's gift, but there is also real danger and fear is her enemy.  The dad immediately starts spewing all he will do to protect her...and it ends in complete isolation.  Again, this is a father with the most loving intentions toward his daughter, but in his haste and perhaps his own fear of the opinion of others, makes decisions that actually reinforces the one thing that makes the matter worse...fear. "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

Then we see the "other" daughter outside the door begging Elsa to come out and play.  Her memory has been wiped clean of all that has happened.  I see Anna as many children in families who are accepting the call to love the orphaned and are having to experience the pain and frustration of sharing their home with children from hard places.  Anna has no idea why all of a sudden Elsa cannot come out and play.  Anna is deeply wounded when Elsa tells her to go away, because Anna just does not understand Elsa!  Elsa has no desire to wound Anna.  Again, her fears, her isolation requires her to shove Anna away when what she wants more than anything is to throw open the doors and build the snowman with Anna!  I see this so many times in families.  Children already in the home come into these situations with expectations of adding an older brother or sister that they have always longed for to their family.  Or they are finally getting that little sibling they have always wanted to care for.  Then when that child with all his trauma induced behavior arrives, the dreams shatter quickly.  Neither child is at "fault"! It is just a side effect of children who have been abused and neglected and children who have been loved and nurtured learning to live in harmony in the same family.  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the potential immaturity of an "older" sibling?  Are we preparing our children who are already in the home for the outbursts and stiff armed shoves of the younger child who doesn't know how to let anyone love or care for or nurture them?  Are we teaching our children empathy as these incidents occur?  Or are we taking the "side" of our children already in the home and becoming offended with them at the immature, illogical and at times irrational behaviors of the children from trauma? Are we making room for our wounded children to learn how to interact with others or are we simply putting them in a room, locking the door and asking them to do the same?  "Conceal it, don't feel it.  Don't let it show!"

From the first time I saw the movie, the wisdom in the troll when he says, "you are lucky it was not her heart.  The heart cannot be so easily changed, but the mind, it can be persuaded," has struck me as profound!  When these children come into our homes, we "know" they are safe! But the thing is, until they "know" they are safe, it really doesn't matter what we "know".  And even if they "know" in their head this is a safe place, the healing doesn't start until the heart knows it's a safe place! And the heart cannot be so easily changed.

But here is the good news, the heart CAN. BE. CHANGED! How?  We have to teach them to LET. IT. GO!  Listen to the words of that song with your children from trauma in mind! We know there is a storm raging inside of them!  In order for them to come to healing, we have to allow them to take off the gloves, feel what they really feel and deal with what all that means! That means we may have to let them "freeze" a few things in the process.  We may end up with some ice castles and disasters in the wake of them learning to handle their thoughts and emotions from their past.  But when we do, oh the beauty we will see!  They will begin to use their wounds to make ice sculptures instead of weapons! We will begin to see them blossom into the children God intended them to be! They are worth redeeming!  They are worth whatever it takes to redeem this generation!

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result...." Genesis 50:20


** Disclaimer: If you, like me see this and have remorse over how you have responded at times to your children from trauma because you were worn out, tired or just plain on edge, do not let this bring guilt!  Repent, and move on! Wipe your own slate clean and giver yourself a fresh start just like you do your children! Go give that child a great big hug!  If the offense against them occurred recently, go apologize for losing it with them or reacting negatively.  You might just be surprised how far an apology will go! And most of all, know You. Are. Not. Alone!

Coffee with Mary

Christmas has always made me reflect on Mary with admiration and wonder.  As an unmarried young woman in her 20's I always wondered what it would be like to have been Mary.  Unmarried, virgin, visited by an angel and told that you would give birth to the Savior or the World while remaining a virgin! The Holy Spirit himself would create a child within your womb.  That initial news must have been so amazing! God chose her out of all the women in the world! An angel came and visited her! She was going to be the mother of a baby who would save the world! There had to be some joy and amazing awe that God himself would choose you to be the mother of His Son! And her response is with all the  humility, obedience and respect that I  pray I would answer God with at any request He asked of me, "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be as you have said."

I have spent three Christmases now in one stage or another of pregnancy.  Again, I would reflect on Mary and how amazing that first Christmas must have been as God was made man and came to earth! Stars showed the way to him.  Men bowed before him.  But I would imagine, to Mary, he was still just her baby boy!

Who wouldn't say yes to a precious baby? I mean, in that moment when the angel came, I would imagine that Mary was overwhelmed with thankfulness for the opportunity to be "the one"! As Christmas approaches this year, I again find myself reflecting on Mary.  But in a new way now.  I don't think about the Mary who stood in awe and appreciation before the angel and accepted the honor of being the mother of Jesus or the Mary who gazed lovingly into the eyes of her newborn baby boy. Instead, I think of the Mary who stood before Joseph trying to convince him that she truly had been visited by an angel and was still a virgin even though she is pregnant.  I think of the Mary who was quite possibly excommunicated from her family and her church.  I think about the Mary who rode on a donkey in the last stages of pregnancy.  I think of the Mary who had to deliver her baby in a stable while next door to an Inn that had rooms filled with people who God had provided "adequate" shelter for that night. I think about the Mary who frantically looked for her 12 year old son only to find him back at the temple.  And I think of the Mary who watched as her son was beaten and then hung on the cross.

This season of life has been by far the hardest I have ever walked.  Hard because of the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual demands.  Hard because life doesn't look in just about any way how I had imagined it.  There is really nothing in this season that is easy or going how I would hope it would go.  And then hard because all that is making life really hard are the things God called me to do.  Life is hard because I said yes!

John took me to an amazing Christmas concert with Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  It was the first time I had been able to really sit and enjoy Christmas like I long to do! This truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Even before I was married, Breath of Heaven had become one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I sang it at many Christmas events and as a  Sunday special years ago! As Amy Grant began to sing, I really listened to the words in a new light! 

" I have traveled many moonless night, cold and weary....and I wonder what I've done!" As soon as I heard those words, I had a burning desire to have coffee with Mary! I would love to sit down with her and talk about all she thought and felt through the entire process!  Surely, the confident affirmative response to the angel at some point gave way to doubt and fear as the reality of what her "yes" had meant!

"I am waiting in a silent prayer, I am frightened by the load I bear...must I walk this path alone?" When the magnitude of what she had committed to became reality, did Mary buckle under fear and loneliness?  As I head those words, I thought back to just a few nights before as I sat crying out to God as I was overwhelmed with all that life requires right now as mother to 9, wife to 1 and advocate for thousands.  Did Mary feel this way?  Did she even regret her "yes" on some days?

"Do you wonder as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"  That has been my heart's cry for weeks now!  God, truly you have over estimated me!  Oh God, surely there was someone more qualified to parent these children, to be wife to this man!  Surely someone with fewer kids should be the one advocating for the thousands!  Surely, God, someone wiser, and more energetic, and more organized, and more......should be doing this! Did Mary really feel that way too?  At any point did she look to heaven and ask, "would a loving God ask me to bear this much hurt?" If she had known the path that her "yes" took her down, would she have said yes that day the angel visited?  Maybe it's just to make me feel less alone in my weakness, but I think maybe she had days, or moments at least, where she wondered why she said yes! In the moments of loneliness, rejection and sorrow, I like to think that as a human, Mary did waiver in her resolve to carry out this plan God had for her.  I like to think that because it makes me feel less alone in my days of doubt.  When I have had days of battles with children who have no impulse control and days of trying to console babies who don't want to be consoled because they have already learned how to "do it alone" and days of wondering if there will ever be time to pour into a marriage that has felt the effects of adding 5 kids in three years. Oh how I wish I could sit down with Mary and ask her how she did it!

But I think I already know.  Just as the song continues, "But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan, Help me be strong, help me be, help me......Breath of heaven, hold me together, be forever near me...Breath of heaven lighten my darkness, pour over me Your holiness, for You are holy!"  When the "yes" took more than Mary thought she could provide, I am sure she turned back to the Provider who asked her for the "yes" in the first place!  She knew the answers to continuing the path she had started on was in the relationship with the One who asked her to take the first step! And deep down, I know the same is true for me! And what better time to press into my Savior than during the time when we celebrate His birth! So as I clean marker off the wall AGAIN, as I fight my own fatigue and weary emotions to console another toddler tantrum during this time, I find a little encouragement in thinking that Mary probably had some of the same feelings, doubts and frustrations....and know that if I could, I would call her up and ask her to go to coffee!

They didn't deserve it and neither do you...but love them anyway

So I am reading reports and evaluations on some kiddos today in hopes of one of my families being a great match as a forever family.  This is one of the hardest parts of my jobs.  I have to read all that these kids have suffered before, and often after, they came into the system we call child "protection".  One particular answer by one of the children has left me in a puddle of tears at my desk.  She is less than 10, and is asked why she came into care.  Her answer: "Because I lied about something."

Oh Jesus, how?  How do we do this to our children?  This precious child of God beleives in her heart that she is in a system that moves her every few months because of something she did!  I am sure worker after worker, and therapist after therapist have told her numerous times that she is in care because of nothing that she did!  But you see these kids are ripe for the enemy's taking!  Because of what the adults in their lives have done or chosen over them, they have a huge void that the enemy runs in and says "It's all your fault!"  They believe in the core of themselves that they are so horendous that no one could love them...not even their own mother or father.

But my tears don't stop for just her, although I could cry a river just on that alone.  My tears stream down my face for all of my friends who are loving these kids!  You see when these kids come into our homes, they are there not because of anything that is their own fault, but becuase of choices of others.  And because of those choices of others, these children behave in ways that can be very hurtful.  They don't know how to love.  They don't know how to trust.  They don't know how to receive love either.  They didn't deserve what these adults did to them...

And the ripple does not stop with these kids.  It now extends to foster and adoptive moms and dads and brothers and sisters who are trying with all that is within them to love this little girl!  Yet in return they get "I hate you!" or they get little jabs like "I love you but not as much as my real mom" or "you're not my family".  Oh friends, they don't mean it!  And even if on some level they do mean it, they don't understand what they are saying!  ...and you don't deserve what the decicions of these adults are not doing to you and your family as you once knew it!

Stay the course!  Do something to give yourself some oxygen!  But don't believe the lies the enemy has told these kids and now wants to scream at you too!  You may very well be the only Jesus they see!  You may be the only true, unconditional love they ever know.  So when they have ripped your heart out, torn it into a million pieces and thrown the pieces back in your face, will you gather those pieces up and take them to your Heavenly Father who sees and knows your pain.  Will you allow Him to mend your heart so that you can then help mend theirs?!  She believes she is in your home because she lied about something...and she believes as soon as she does something just bad enough to you, she will move again.  Hold on moms and dads!  Hold those wounded children and show them the love they may not even know they need.

And if you are not one of these moms or dads loving these children who are in or have been in our foster system, go find someone who is!  Take them a meal, but even better yet, do what you need to in order to give them a child free night just so they can breath again!  Yes, they need prayer, but they need so much more than just your prayers!  They need Jesus with skin on!

And if you are not one of these moms and dads, but God has been calling you into this crazy thing we call adoption, DO IT!  There is a girl who thinks she is in the system because she lied about something!  She needs you to teach her the Truth of God's unconditional and merciful love!  She needs that Truth not just to heal and survive the cruel world she has lived in for her short life, but she needs it to secure her eternity!  If not you, then who?

They Had a Life Before Gotcha Day

There have been several posts on my news feed about school assignments that are common where they ask for a baby picture and ask questions for which we as adopted parents often do not have answers.  These moments are painful - for them and for us! I know for me they are a reminder that no matter how much I love my children, that love cannot take away the fact that they are adopted.  As hard as we try to make being adopted a very special thing in our family (to the point that Callie used to cry that she was not adopted and hated being biological! Oops! Guess we went overboard at first!), being adopted still means there are missing pieces to the puzzle of their lives. And these assignments pour salt in that wound.

So what do we do with them? As is the case with just about any adoption related discussion, I do not think there is a one-size-fits-all answer.  I think it depends on your child and how he feels about being adopted.  How comfortable is he with that discussion?  But no matter how you decide to handle it, can I encourage you to not send a message that I fear many of us do without even knowing it? Please be careful to not send the message that his life began on Gotcha Day!

I love the Gotcha Day celebrations.  I think celebrating the day our children became a part of our family is something special and definitely worth celebrating!  However, that is not when my children's lives began! They were born somewhere to someone.  Depending on when they came to us they may have had weeks, months or years of life before we even knew about them.  Can I tell you that Gotcha Day doesn't erase that! It sounds absurd, I know.  But how many times when our children ask us something, or an assignment asks us something, do we revert back to something we "know" or something we feel comfortable talking about, which doesn't usually include all the missing pieces that we don't have from their life before us.

I had not really thought of it this way until we adopted a teenager.  She would get angry when we would talk about anything that happened before she came.  We had to have a conversation about the fact that even though I hated that it took 15 years for us to find her, we did have a life before she was in our family. This was hard for her to understand until I asked her if she would be happy if I told her she could not talk about anything during the first 15 years of her life because it made me too sad that I missed it?  I was asking her the question, but really, I heard my voice asking me, "So do you not want to talk about anything that happened for the past 15 years if you are not comfortable talking about her birth mom?"  Ouch!

So what do we do with the school assignments with the questions for which we don't have answers, or the dinner conversations with other kids that are about first words or first foods?  I am not saying I have the answer, but I don't think the answer is to pretend like it didn't happen because it's too painful for us to not have answers! I don't think we need to always revert to Gotcha Day as their beginning just because it's when they began with us.  They did have first words even if we don't know what they are! They did take a first step even if we don't know when it happened! They were a baby even if we don't have a picture!  And while I would love to e-mail every teacher from now until they graduate and tell them that adopted kids have a very hard time with these assignments and it's very insensitive to assign them, that's not the real world.  I cannot follow my adopted children around their entire lives telling people they are adopted so please do not ask them anything about their life before Gotcha Day.

When we talk about those things in our family, we talk about what "could have been" the first word or the first food.  We look at pictures of babies and see if we can find some that look similar and laugh about if they would have that kind of hair or were that chubby. For Toben we have babies who are being carried on their backs and talk about how he probably rode like that on his mamma's back. Is it painful sometimes to not have answers? Yes! But does it change the reality to not talk about it? No! And maybe it's the realist in me, but I would rather them learn to handle the unknowns in their life while they are with me and we can do it together! And what I always want to communicate to them is that their life is perfectly planned and orchestrated by God, their days were numbered before even one came to be - even the days before I entered their lives, even the days before Gotcha Day!

The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago

One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives.  Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....

We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born.  We were trying to preserve relationship.  We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything.  We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically.  We knew he was a lost soul.  We knew he was doing what he had known to do.  We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives.  After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her.  We had come to some agreements.  One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.

It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings.  It is the boyfriend.  They are in a fight.  He is telling me to come get her and the children.  She wouldn't leave.  I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning.  If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves.  After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed.  Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God.  We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.

It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child.  We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways.  However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part.  There was also much emotional healing that had to occur.  We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.

As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man.  John left the room to make phone calls.  We called two local missions.  One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers.  It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed.  The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be.  This is a mission that usually has a waiting list!  But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open!  However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days.  Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place.  And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.

But then the call came.  Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call.  Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call.  John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back.  She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand.  I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next.  John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3.  She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody.  We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.

Rewind to the night before.  It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold.  Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids.  We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding.  This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again.  Surely that can't be what we are to do?!  We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring.  And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection.  I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did.  There are two ways for that to happen.  You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her.  Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!"  I said I would never raise my grand children.  I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either.  I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have  break.  But that decision was out of my hands.

John hangs up the phone and tells me the news.  What do we want to do?  We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do.  We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody.  We agreed this was what God was asking us to do.  We had no answers.  We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from.  All we knew was God said, go get your babies.  And we did.

My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend.  He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him.  He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies.  She nods and he starts up again.

An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned.  My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers.  We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there.  Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies.  And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect.  We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old.  He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight.  Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother.  Now she didn't have her.  She didn't want to be consoled.  She didn't know how to be consoled.  She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth.  She would scream, but wouldn't let us console.  She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.

I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived.  I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path.  I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these.  We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us.  There are days I think we will never make it.  But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged.  It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from!  And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.

So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat.  As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :)  ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him.  I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem!  I know that we are redeeming a generation!  I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.

And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels!  I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!

Raising World Changers: The Reality

There was a quote going around a few years ago that I can't find now, but it was about raising world changers.  There have been a couple of events the past week that have reminded me that raising world changers isn't just some catchy phrase, it is a reality.  And often that reality isn't what I had pictured as being a "good mom"!

I put my 13 year old daughter on a plane this week to head half way across the country to my brother and sister-in-law for a couple of weeks.  She was traveling alone.  This trip would require her to change not only planes, but terminals in a large airport.  Our little local airport only has 4 gates...and that's what she is accustomed to.  Not to mention the fact that we rarely ever fly anywhere!  She was equipped with her boarding passes, her map of the airport she would be landing at and her cell phone.  The plan was for me to get a pass to go through security with her here and wait for her plane with her.  When we get to the ticket counter, I realize I left my driver's license in the car in the envelope with the money I had just gotten from the bank.  My heart sank! A voice started in, "What kind of mom are you? You can't even make sure you have what you need to help your daughter!" This is a voice I hear often! I silenced it long enough to finish checking Callie in and get her ready to go.  I told Callie I would text her dad who was driving around waiting for me to be done since we knew they wouldn't let both of us back and ask him to come by with my license so I could go back with her. She said, "no, I can do it." Then the voice starts in again.  We get to the security line and I go over everything with Callie again - this is where your gate is, this is the time you need to be at your gate, this is your seat number, take off your shoes, put them in the tub with your liquids and purse, etc, etc.  Then I watch as my amazing daughter bravely walks through security....alone.  On the other side, she has struck up a conversation with an older lady and they are both smiling from ear to ear.  She goes blurry as my eyes well up with tears and my heart swells with pride! Even in her own nervousness she has found the ability to connect to someone from a totally different generation and bring joy.  I holler one last "Good-bye!" and "I love you!" As she walks out of view, I hear another voice say, "When raising world changers, you can't always hold their hands.  Sometimes you just have to talk them through and pray as they try out their wings! And good moms know when to hold hands and when to watch them fly!"

And my Heavenly Father knew I needed to hear that in that moment!  So many times through this journey of fostering and adoption, the enemy has tormented me with thoughts of failing my children.  I have shared before that there is no way to parent 7 children the way I parented 2.  I can't be the "everywhere, doing everything mom" that I wanted to be when I pictured myself as a mom.  I struggle with that more at some times than others.  Probably the hardest time was when we adopted from the foster system.  I was in a Bible study at the time where the talk often turned to protecting our children.  I believe in protecting my children.  What the other moms said made sense.  Many put their children in private schools or home schooled them to protect them from what they would be exposed to in school.  We talked about shows that we would or would not allow our children to watch.  It all sounded great.  There was only one problem...while these moms were protecting their children from the influences of the world, I had just invited the "world" into my home through a child who had never been protected.  She in-turn, at no fault of her own, would expose my children to the very things my friends were diligently working to protect their children from.  I would go home and cry after many of these discussions...tormented by what I had done, but knowing full well God had called us to do this.  I just couldn't reconcile the "good mom" role with what God was asking me to do.

The problem was that my "good mom" role was based on an Americanized view of parenting that says children should never hurt and should never be exposed to anything that might hurt them or even cause discomfort. Don't confuse what I am saying with putting your child in harms way physically or staying in an abusive relationship because it is building character.  That is not what I am saying at all!  But what God showed me as I watched my daughter walk by herself toward the gate to board a plane is that all she has gone through and all she is doing now is to prepare and equip her for the path God has for her! She is a world changer!  And world changers put themselves at risk! World changers know how to be hurt and forgive! World changers have to know how to handle disappointment! World changers have to know how to look a big task in the face and do it anyway! World changers have to face fears head on and walk through them!

Back in the car, headed home, I get a text..."I am at my gate!"  I respond, "Sorry again that I didn't have my license to go back with you."  And the confirmation of what God had already spoken, "It's ok.  Doing it by myself gave me the confidence I needed."  And with that I knew my World Changer had SOARED on this test flight! And I also knew God wasn't just equipping her...he was equipping me....you see I have five more World Changers coming up right behind her!

A little preparation goes a long way!

Seems like I don't have many "good" parenting moments lately. More of just survival! However, I am trying to take life back instead of letting life take me down! For those who know my nature, you know this is difficult for me. I'm prone to not plan, procrastinate and even when I do plan, not follow it because something or in most cases someone comes up to interrupt the plan!But last night was different! And it worked!

Going out to eat with my crew takes half a months wages..ok, not quite half, but more than we can afford very often. So we rarely go to "nice" restaurants. However, we want our children to know how to behave somewhere besides Taco Villa, and we want them to have experiences in the restaurants others talk about. So once in awhile we splurge. The fact that these trips are rare and that we are spending a small fortune to have the experience means I get very upset when one of the kids ruins it with a fit or attitude. We have one child in particular who routinely ruins our restaurant experiences. He/she usually throws the first tantrum when it comes time to order drinks. He/she stalls on purpose, for what reason we haven't quite figured out, which usually ends in us telling the waiter that he/she will take water since he/she can't make up his/her mind. Then the pouting and taking anger out on whatever unlucky sibling is in the vicinity begins.

Last night we had a big surprise for our kids planned. It started with dinner at a nice, sit down restaurant. I was determined that said child would not ruin our entire evening...once the pouting starts, it's all down hill and behaviors worsen exponentially until we get home. So with what I know had to be a Holy Spirit idea, I had a pro-active discussion with this child.

Last time we went out to eat, we had one of these meltdowns and I had told this lovely of mine that the next time he/she threw one of these fits, he/she would not go with us to eat the next time and would be left at home with a baby sitter at his/her expense. So right before we left, I took this child aside and reminded him/her of my promise from the last time the fit was thrown. But I also made a plan for if something happened. This is a child who has a very difficult time expressing any emotion in a constructive and appropriate way. Something we actually deal with a ton in our family because of the background of most of our kiddos. I told this child that I wanted him/her to know that I was willing to listen to any argument he/she had about anything he/she felt was unfair during the course of the evening, but I would not have that discussion until we got home. So I asked him/her to come up with a code word so that if he/she felt something had been unfair or he/she was getting angry, he/she could use the code word and know we would talk about it later instead of holding it inside and getting angry or lashing out at the nearest sibling. He/she got to choose the code word which was "meep - meep" - like the road runner says! Wouldn't have been my choice, especially since I had to use it if I saw behavior I needed to stop, but it was his/her choice, so "meep-meep" it was! He/she thought that was really cool and we set out for our evening with a plan!

The coolest part? Well, we didn't have to use that code word, not one time! I truly think taking that time before we left made that child feel significant enough and also gave him/her a feeling that no matter what happened there was a way to be heard that there was no acting out!

God used this to remind me that parenting must be intentional! And that when I stop to prepare for behaviors instead of constantly just reacting to them, our world turns much smoother! And since this is so contrary to my nature, I often wonder why God gave me a) so many children and b) children from hard places to parent! Maybe its because regardless of how many times I fail as a mom, I love these babies! I may not discipline the right way, I may not provide all the experiences I wish I could or that they may want, but I couldn't love them anymore than I do!

But from now on, we will have that little conversation before every trip to eat out! It was such a nice evening!

The Journey: "Mark it on the calendar!"

I shared in my last post about the struggle our latest adoption has been. Well, this weekend provided no relief, in fact it was pretty bad. To the point she said she wanted to call off the adoption. It was all drama, when we sat and talked she didn't really want to call it off, but hearing those words after all we are doing to try and reach her and love on her broke my heart and made me want to give up. But just like we told her, giving up isn't an option!

But even in the midst of the emotions of the weekend, God gave me a moment to cling to in hope! We were looking at the calendar as we turned a new month to see what all was on tap for this week and those coming. Paizley was in the kitchen where the family calendar is and she says, "Mom! Mark mother's day on the calendar! I haven't gotten to celebrate that in years because I have been in shelters the past few mother's days." That will bring tears even to a wounded momma's heart!

Makes me stop and remember what I am dealing with! I am not just dealing with a 15 year old, I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been deaply wounded. I am dealing with a 15 year old who has been tossed about time after time, discarded, rejected, the list goes on and on. I am also dealing with spiritual issues that I can't even begin to understand or explain!

As we start a new week, I am determined to focus on that one moment and put the other 100 behind me from this weekend! There is a little girl in there who wants a mother to love her and celebrate life with her! I just have to be diligent and patient to lovingly dig through the layers to connect with her!

God reminded me hour by hour how you love me and how you love her! Teach me to love her like you do! Show me how to love beyond my own hurts and forgive her as you forgive me. Show me how to model all these for her so that she too can be whole!

Rejection

Rejection. Something I really never have thought a lot about...until the past couple of months. I have had rejection in my life. Mainly at the hand of friends in my pre-teen and teen years. It was hurtful at the time, and in that moment may have felt like the end of the world. But it was not the deep rejection that I have found myself wrestling with over the past little bit. In dealing with adopted children over the past 9 years, I have come to learn a very important lesson: they do not come into your home appreciating all you have rescued them from! That may sound like a "duh" statement, but really, I have seen so many parents who bring children home - especially older children - expecting them to be grateful on some level for what they are doing for them. I knew not to expect gratitude. But in the day to day life of living out parenting a new-teen that has a history of major rejection and pain, I find myself falling into this thought pattern! Why do you not appreciate what you have knowing what you came from? Why do you not love us for what we are giving you? Why do you not just lap up my love instead of fighting against it? As God always does, He is using the parenting of my newest daughter to teach me more about Him and refine me! As I parent her and love her in my flesh, God is revealing a LOT of FLESH that is in me! I don't like it! Parenting my newest daughter has brought out rejection in my own life. It has brought to light a signifcant relationship that I have hit a road block in because of the rejection it has brought. In some ways I am thankful because it is giving me a glimpse of what my daughter is having to go through. It is showing me some of the pain and fear that she is having to overcome to love me. The same fear I have of letting this person into my heart and trusting this person to not break my heart is the same fear and pain she feels as she struggles to allow herself to love me and accept my love. This really came to light this morning as I sought out guidance in the area of rejection. One of my favorite tools for fighting spiritual battles in my life is Beth Moore's Praying God's Word. I've used it alot lately! Concerning rejection, she says, "Rejection in and of itself is not a stronghold. Our reaction to rejection determines whether we become bound by it...How do you overcome rejection? By applying large doses of God's love to your wounded heart daily and by allowing Him to renew your mind until the rejected thinks like the accepted." So that's what I am doing! As I prayed through the scripture prayers Beth has in this section, a certain scripture pierced my heart. Isaiah 49: 15 says, "Can a woman foget her nursing cihld and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may foget, but I will not forget you." It hit me two ways. First, I have children who I birthed and nursed. That is a bond that is like none other! No wonder God uses it to speak to His people! Yet there are women in this world because we live in a fallen world who because of their own hurts or circumstances do not have that bond! I am parenting some of those children. It creates a spiritual and emotional void, a pain like no other. While I have four children who might fall into this category, my oldest experienced it on a level the others did not for a time frame they did not. The wound is deep. The rejection real. The pain almost unbearable. Her mother forgot her. She forgot her long before she was removed from her. "Forgot" in the sense of not caring for, not loving, not nurturing, not making feel like the precious gift of God she is! Rejected. Fast forward 15 years. Now this new woman wears the title "mother". Guess what?! It's not a warm fuzzy title for this wounded child! It is a name associated with pain, hurt, despair, failure: REJECTION. Over the past few weeks, it has become evident that the feelings of my daughter for her birth mother are being projected onto me in a huge way! It hurts! I wish I could say I have responded with love and grace and mercy. Sometimes I have, but most of the time, I have recoiled. I have not lashed out, but I have withdrawn. Why? Well, because I am dealing with my own feelings of rejection in another relationship in my life. Her rejection hurts. I don't want to hurt. So my defense mechanism goes into play...withdraw. Oh what a mess! The enemy says I wasn't stable enough to adopt this precious one. The enemy says I should have gotten my act together first. The enemy says I made a mistake. The enemy says give her back. But God says, I want to use her rejection to bring yours to light and your rejection to heal hers! How do I figure that? Because Psalm 118 tells me that the stone the builders rejected became the chief corner stone! What the enemy means for evil, God will not only use for good, but will build a whole new life, a whole new work of God on it! Just like He did Jesus! In fact, this verse from Psalm 118 is repeated 7 (the perfect number!) in the New Testament as reference to Jesus and in Ephesians 2:20, it spells it out for us in case we have missed the inference: "Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone." Does this diminish my pain of the rejection in my significant relationship? No. Does it diminish the pain of the rejection of my precious daughter by her first mother? No. But what it does is give hope! It tells the enemy to SHUT UP! It tells me and my precious daughter that there is healing. BUT (and here is where so many adoptive parents get stuck) it does mean I have to keep my focus on Christ! I have to walk through this! I have to deal with MY issue of rejection in order to help walk her through hers. If I don't choose to do that, then the rejection I feel from my daughter will continue to make me recoil. It will continue to make me withdraw never allowing me to be the picture of Christ and His reconciliation for my daughter that He offers her and me! I am called to be light in darkness....and for now that means right here in my own home! I am called to tell the next generation of His goodness...and that starts with my children! God did not place this child of His in my home to put a roof over her head and food in her tummy...she had that where she was! He brought her here to teach her of His love and His goodness. He brought her here to teach her of His ways so that she will be ready for the good works He has prepared in advance for her to do. He brought her here because He needs us to train her up in the way she should go....unfortunatly for her and us, we are in serious boot camp since we got a late start! But God will redeem that! He promises He will! So what now? Great revelation, but what does it mean for day to day life and getting to the other side of rejection? For me, it means acknowleding my feelings of rejection instead of stuffing them down and pretending they don't exist. Then taking those feelings and applying Romans 8 - I am an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ! Romans goes on to say that I suffer with Him (He suffered the ultimate rejection on every level!) so that I may also be glorified with Him. And even more exciting, Paul goes on to say that the sufferings of my today are not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed to us! If I will get a kingdom perspective instead of getting bogged down in feelings, emotions, circumstances, then I will push through this, learn even more about the character of God and in the mean time walk my daughter through her rejection and hopefully teach her something more about the character of God as well! Even as I write it, the battle in my mind rages. Choosing the kingdom perspective means letting go of my "right" to my pain that has been caused me by another. I don't want to do that. Period. But if I am going to call myself a Chrsitian and walk this path God has laid out for me, I must. Just like Christ laid down all His rights to go to the cross for me, I must now lay down my rights and walk the kingdom road for Him! The practicality of that is going to mean a daily if not hourly battle of putting on my armor. I have started writing scriptures that speak to me about God's love for me, my position in Him, my abilities in Him on index cards. I will have to keep those with me. I will have to be disciplined to pull them out when the rejection creeps back in. I will have to read them and let the balm of God's word heal my wounds as I walk this path. I am just in a season where I literally rely on God and His word for every breath that I take! The pain of this relationship threatans to overtake me just about every hour of every day. The enemy would love nothing more! But I can't let that happen! My prayer is that God returns to me the joy of my salvation and renews a steadfast spirit with in me! I have been a boat on a wave tossed back and forth for the past few weeks, maybe even months. I am looking to the one who spoke and the waves stopped to calm my sea and set my boat on His course - making me steadfast! And I am having to trust that not only is He able, but that He will! I was there once! I know the feeling of "walking on water" in the sense of seeing the circumstances around me but believing God and walking by faith instead of what I see around me. I lost that somewhere. I'm ready to get it back! My children require that I get it back! My life requires that I get it back! Here we go! One breath at a time...breathing in and breathing out...

Parenting children from hard places

We've entered a new realm. Parenting children from hard places, even when you have had them since birth, is becoming more and more challenging as these children grow older. But I'm finding the challenge isn't them as much as it is me!

We had an interesting experience today. It was a first. It took me off guard. I didn't handle it like I wish I would have. I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I was way too passive! I would have said way more if I had not been in shock at the time.

But there is fall out from the incident. Fall out that we as a family have to address. It's not fun! It puts me in a place where I have to deny my child the excuse of his/her past. I find myself saying over and over these days (with more than one child) that I know where you came from, but I am more concerned with where you are going. I know what they hear is that I don't love them because they don't care how hard it has been or still is. When what I am saying is, I love you so much I want better for you! When I want to sit and cry with them and just hold them and tell them I'm sorry and I don't want things to be hard for them anymore! Instead, I have to push them to try harder. I have to push them to overcome. Which in its own way is once again making life hard for them. It seems like a vicious circle. It's not that I don't care! It's that I care so much!

I remember watching an interview one time with the mother of a then adult woman who was missing her arms. She had lost them in an electrical accident as a young child. I remember the mother talking about how right after the accident her husband and she knew that they couldn't give into the disability. They had to be strong to make her strong. She talked about watching their daughter trying to do ordinary things and failing time and time again. But the mother didn't jump in and do them for her. Instead, she would leave the room and lock herself in her room and cry and scream because her daughter was struggling! Her daughter never knew this until she was an adult. But because the mother and father had chosen to allow the daughter to learn to deal with her disability without making excuses or even accommodations for it in most instances, the woman with no arms was a fully functioning member of society.

I don't have children with missing body parts, but I have children with missing heart parts! I feel like that mother right now. I can't allow them to use their missing heart parts as a disability...life won't care that they had a rough start! They have to learn how to successfully navigate life regardless of their start! But I find myself more and more wanting to go in my closet and scream and kick and cry out to God, "WHY?!!!! WHY did you not let them grow in my womb?! Why must they have suffered the way they did in the beginning?! Why do I have to clean up the mess that other adults have left in their lives?"

I know I will never know why! We live in a fallen world. Yes, God is sovereign. He could have stopped all the bad things that happened to each of them with the wiggle of His nose. But He didn't. I will never understand that in my human inability to understand God's ways. But I also know it breaks His heart just as much as it does mine! He grieves their losses more than even I as their momma does. My job...well, my job is to teach them that about Him! My biggest fear in parenting these children is that when they really deal with all that has happened, they will turn their back on God because He could have stopped it.

How do I teach them, Lord? How do I teach them the agape love that you have for them despite what has happened to them? How do I teach them to value character over comfort? How do I teach them in this selfish society to value Your worthiness to receive honor over their "rights"?

I wish they understood how much I feel their pain, but because I love them more than life itself, I can't stay in the pain - and I can't let them stay there either! God has placed them in our home because He desires far more beyond all they could think or ask of Him (Eph 3:20-21). My daily prayer is that I will find the appropriate balance between love and expectation to put them on the path out of their past and into the future full of hope and prosperity that God promises them in Jeremiah 29:11. Today I don't think I did that. Today I think I failed. I will apologize. I will ask forgiveness. I will get up in the morning and start a new day with new mercies and try to do better.

But one thing is for sure. No matter how hard. No matter how many times I may think I am in over my head, I wouldn't miss out on this journey with any of these children for the world! They are so worth it! I'm just not sure why God entrusted such amazing little people to a wreck like me! But this wreck will fight every day of her life to be all that God intends for me to be in the lives of these, His children!