Freedom from Food: 40 Days

There are so many blog posts rattling around in my head...but no time to sit and get them out here! This is a rare moment when babies are asleep, Paizley is at work and the rest of the kids are at a movie with John's parents. And thanks to the help of my amazing friend Elizabeth, my house is clean, so I'm going to get this post out of my head and down here in print!

Several weeks ago, God told me to fast from meat and sweets. I started several times only to talk myself out of it when it got hard. I really don't understand fasting except to know that it is a spiritual discipline that we are expected to partake in when told to do so. And that with each fast I do, I learn a little more about what it does for me and my relationship with God....especially in the battle with food addiction. I wasn't talking myself out of the fast because I didn't want to obey, but I couldn't really get my mind around why I would be fasting from just meat and sweets or what purpose this fast was serving. I'm one of those children who needs to know "why"! I am mature enough to realize God doesn't have to answer the "why", and I'm still accountable to walk in obedience, but this time, He was gracious enough to know my unspoken request to know why and gave it to me!

40 days ago, I was reading the two devotions that I get every day: Proverbs 31 and David Wilkerson. The two were on nothing similar, but God took both of them and lead me right where I needed to be! The Proverbs 31 was on discipline and the David Wilkerson was on unbelief. David talked about how unbelief is the underlying sin of most sin and disobedience. He hit the nail on the head with me! I had just spent some time wrestling with God over some issues of unbelief. But then the Proverbs 31 was on discipline and took me to Hebrews 12: 11-13.

For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]. So then, brace up and reinvigorate and set right your slackened and weakened and drooping hands and strengthen your feeble and palsied and tottering knees, and cut through and make firm and plain and smooth, straight paths for your feet [yes, make them safe and upright and happy paths that go in the right direction], so that the lame and halting [limbs] may not be put out of joint, but rather may be cured. (Amplified version)

God immediately spoke that the fast from sweets and meat was discipline. It was God correcting in me the idolatry of food in my life. He was putting me straight! I thought a fast should be warm and fuzzy and bring me these feelings of closeness to God. But God was showing me that this fast would not be warm and fuzzy because it was discipline. In fact, it will be grievous and painful at times. One version even said sorrowful to mind and body. BUT....in the end, when I had been trained by it, I would yield fruit of righteousness....a harvest of fruit which will bring me into conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and action resulting in right living and right standing with God! Praise Jesus!!!! That is exactly where I want to be! And my love of food has blocked that so many times in my life! I immediately had not only a purpose for the fast, but a hope like I haven't had in a long time of breaking the bondage of addiction to food!

This is what David Wilkerson then had to say about unbelief:
"Unbelief today is as destructive as it ever was. We may not turn into a pillar of salt, but we do become stiff-necked and bitter! The ground does not open up to swallow us, but we are swallowed by troubles, stress and family problems. Fire does not come down and consume us, but our spiritual life is destroyed."
How could this man whom I have never met have just described perfectly the condition of my life?
But God didn't even stop there! He went on! I love Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and use it often. God reminded me of her section on Unbelief and prompted me to once again read her narrative before the scripture prayers. I've read this tens of times over the years, but it was like reading it for the first time as God used this to speak directly to me about the 40 day fast! Here is the deal. I had sat down the night God showed me all this to ask Him where He was in two major times in my life that I felt He had let me down. I was wrestling with moving forward in belief and faith in any are of my life with these two doubts looming over my head! As I asked God for answers to those times, he took me to unbelief. These two events had left me with so much doubt about God. They left me with so many fears that walking in faith would always end badly. I wanted to believe, but every time I would try to move forward, the enemy would bring up these two particular events. As I read what Beth Moore had to say, it all became clear! God was asking me to fast these 40 days from meat and sweets because He was not only disciplining me, but He was breaking loose all the bondage food had on me, but even greater than that, He wanted to free me from unbelief! Beth Moore says, "Believing God is never more critical than when we have strongholds that need to be demolished. Believing God is also rarely more challenging...But you can't just believe in Him to be free from your stronghold. You must believe Him. Believe He can do what He says He can do. Believe you can do what He says you can do. Believe He is who He says He is. And believe you are who He says you are." Wow! That's what I needed right there! I didn't believe any of those statements, and God wanted to seal this deal for ever!

I began journaling based on the words from Hebrews 12 and then Beth's commentary on unbelief. This is what I journaled that night 40 days ago:

"During the 40 days I will be taking a new grip with my tired hands, strengthening my knees (what I use to walk where God shows) and will have a clear path - boundaries for my feet so on my bad days (when I am weak) I will not fall (fail - turn to food again, because there are no boundaries since food, unlike alcohol or drugs is necessary for life). Then the limb which is lame - my unbelief - will be healed."

I was so excited! I was nearly dancing around the sunroom in praise! Then I heard God's voice and I wrote:

"At the end of 40 days, you will be healed, delivered, free! The 100 lbs will come off - you will hit your goal of (He gave me a number which even in my transparency am not comfortable sharing with the world! LOL!)." Then I heard as clearly as I have ever heard God....almost audible
NEVER DOUBT ME AGAIN

And so the 40 day journey began.

The spiritual battles and the weariness of the last 40 days have been insane, but I have not wavered in my belief. The fast is complete at midnight tonight...and I am expecting big things! I know my chains of addiction to food are going to fall off, and my unbelief will be behind me! There are really no words to describe the journey of the past 40 days or the excitement or thankfulness I have for what God has shown me during this fast. God has taken me through scripture after scripture in the Bible where He did something so someone would believe or would have faith. I know that what I will witness in the days and weeks to come will be a stone of remembrance in my life as a time when my belief and faith were increased beyond what they have ever been before!

Prayers for Liberia ~ Part 2

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." ~Psalm 27:13-14

"His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5 Praise God!!!!

"Let the lying lips be mute which speak arrogantly against the righteous with pride and contempt." ~Psalm 31:18

"Wait for the Lord and keep His way, and He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it." ~Psalm 37:34

"Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God." ~Psalm 40:17 This was actually the verse that I prayed over and over as we waited for Toben's visa to be released along with the 7 other children so we coudl bring him home! He did it then, and I believe He is about to do it now for the hundreds of children waiting to come home NOW!

"How blessed is He who considers the helpless; the Lord will deliver him in a day of trouble." Psalm 41:1

Prayers for Liberia

Today I am starting my fasting and praying for Liberia that will last through Saturday. I would love for you to join me! The timing of this is not random. Tomorrow and Saturday will be the dates of an Adoption Symposium in Liberia. Here are some of the people in Liberia who are involved:

Sponsored by: The Foundation for Human Rights (FOHRD)
The Catholic Justice and Peace Commission (JPC) and
The Child Protection Alliance of Liberia (CPAL)

Co-Sponsored by: The Liberia Council of Churches, National Muslim Council of Liberia, Liberia Democratic Institute – (LDI), Female Lawyers Association of Liberia – (AFLL)

In Association with: Adoption Services Providers; Child Advocacy International; National Union of Liberian Orphanages and Children Welfare Institute; Children Assistance Program; Mano River Women Network for Peace; Liberian Girls Guide Association; Boy Scouts of Liberia; Liberia National Student Union; Varsity Christian Fellowship; Christian Health Association of Liberia; Young Men’s Christian Association; Young Women’s Christian Association.

The symposium is a two day interactive round table discussion intended to discuss and dialogue on the Liberian Children’s Bill. Principally, the symposium will aim at ensuring that the evolving Children’s Law serves the best interest of the Liberian child. The event will bring together, legislators, policymakers, child rights advocates, Supreme Court Justices, religious leaders, parents and children services providers mainly for the purpose of: a) critically reviewing the draft children bill; b) providing advice to legislators on the rethinking and rewording of specific aspects of the bill that may not be in the best interest of the Liberian child; and c) adopting concrete action programs that will facilitate the scrupulous implementation of the bill when it is passed into law.

Speakers at the symposium will share insights and experiences as well as address the most pressing challenges facing the Liberian Child. Following the deliberations, participants will convene in group sessions and work out recommendations and suggestions to strengthen the children’s Bill and educate and advice legislators on the thinking of a broad spectrum of the Liberian society regarding the draft bill.

A huge thanks and God Bless goes out to WACSN for coordinating this event! The most exciting thing about this whole deal is that it is the Liberians doing it!!!! That has been my prayer forever! We needed the Liberians carrying the torch on that side with us carrying it on this side, united and working together! That has happened! I am so excited about that!

I have always been transparent on here, so no time to stop now! If you are like me, fasting is still a new spiritual practice! You may not totally understand it. I'm still learning also! It doesn't mean you have to refrain from all food for four days! You can really fast from anything...tv, spending, food, caffeine, sugar, etc. It is just a way to focus on God, a way to deny other cravings and replace them with a desire for God and a relationship with Him.

One of the reasons I haven't posted a lot about Liberia is that God clearly told me to step back. He told me to put my focus on licensing here in Texas and getting everything in order for when adoptions do open in Liberia as well as working toward domestic licensing to work on getting the 600+ kids in Texas legally eligible for adoption into permanent adoptive homes. So I have done that. I fully believe it is one more way God has humbled me. I worked and worked...nothing really happened. I believe there were foundations laid by all of us working in this battle. I believe we can all feel blessed by the par that we played, but God waited until I took a back seat before He really opened up the flood gates of movement! Just a reminder that while I must obey and fight when He says to, the battle belongs to HIM! I am so thankful for Angel Rutledge and her willingness to work with me along with Linda from WACSN and many others in Liberia! Those who decided to put aside differences and the "competition" that so often plagues this type of ministry to work toward a common goal!

Over the past week as the preparations for this symposium have gone on. God has taken me back to scriptures that I have marked in my Bible concerning Liberian and specifically Addy's Hope. Some are dated as far back as 2006. Scriptures that I believe he gave me as promises for the work we do over there and promises for the people of Liberia. Those who know me, know that I have come to love Liberia as much as I do my own country. My heart for the Liberians is ever growing as I learn more and more about their plight and their fears of the future!

So it is with that attitude and humble heart that I will be entering into this time of fasting and praying. I will share with you here the scriptures I will be praying for the people of Liberia and specifically the adoption symposium. If you have other prayers you feel God has laid on your heart, or specific scriptures, please feel free to post them in comments so others can see them and pray them as well! I fully believe this battle will be fought and won in prayer followed by earthly action! The battle for adoption goes way beyond the legalities of Liberia! Satan wants to see it shut down everywhere...it is one of the few things in this world that so clearly shows the love of God in a tangible way to the hurting world!

"For you will spread about to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities.' ~Is 54:3

"All your sons will be taught of the Lord; and the well-being of your sons will be great. In righteousness you will be established; you will be far from oppression, fr you will npt fear; and from terror, for it will not come near you. If anyone fiercely assails you, it ill not be from Me. Whoever assails you will fall because of you...no weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgement you will condemn. And their vindication is from Me, "declares the Lord." ~Is 54:13-15

Amen and Amen

1/4 of the way there!

I posted this on June 20, 2008
When I lose my weight, I am going to pierce my nose! Why you ask? See post below! When I lose 100 pounds, it will mean that God has taken his rightful place on the throne of my heart....food will be forever overthrown! It will be an outward symbol of an inward commitment, a change from the inside out! Just like I wear my wedding ring to show I am committed to John, the nose stud will be to show that God owns my heart, I am fully committed to Him and have conquered my addiction to food! It will be extreme! :) I have been called a prude many times! So for me to show up with a nose piercing will be a shock to many (My parents being among the biggest, I am sure), but I can't wait to get it done! When it is done, I will know I have won the battle! God will be the ruler of my heart and food will be in submission! What a day that will be! :)

Over a year later, I am 1/4 of the way there! There has been a LOT of yo-yoing in that year, but I feel God breaking the grip food has on me, and I am excited! Actually, I am excited about a lot of things in life right now! I am finally learning to listen to that still small voice instead of all the other voices shouting at me in this world! And it is amazing the Wisdom in that still small voice! :)

A Call to Die - Day 14

Today's title was "Too Full to Eat?" Wasn't sure what type of lesson that would be! Had me a little perplexed, but within the first paragraph, I knew that this lesson was just for me right now!

What Nasser is getting at is that we have two tables to which we can pull up our chair and feast: God's and the world. If we fill up on the world before coming to God's table, then we are too full to eat the good "food" that God provides. And likewise, if we fill up at God's table, then we are too full to eat the junk offered by the world.

Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I openly share my food addiction. My early years were filled with excuses as to why I am overweight. I would blame a medical condition or that I "just can't lose weight". But the truth of the matter is, I eat more than I consume or I wouldn't be overweight. But even with that realization and facing that truth head on for the past five or so years, I still battle my food addiction.

That is why during this 40 days of A Call to Die, I am doing the modified Daniel Fast. I need to break the hold food has on me. I need to learn to eat at the banquet table of God first!

I LOVE how God teaches so many spiritual truths to me in my physical world so I can really understand what He wants from me. As I read today's lesson, I knew that so many times I fill up on the "world" and that leaves me empty, but not hungry. Leaves me dissatisfied, but full so that I don't look to God for the water that will make me never thirst again or the food that will fill me so I will never be hungry.

I related it to the fast...since I am fasting from sugar, my taste buds have changed. Where grapes of an apple usually just seem like a healthy snack, now they meet the need of a sweet tooth! They taste so much sweeter now than when my mouth is used to eating all that sugar. Sugar waters down the natural sweetness of the fruit. Yesterday I made a cake to take to our small group. I had a really bad sweet tooth yesterday. But instead of taking in all the sugar in a cake or brownie, I picked up an oat bar that had only fruit and cane juice to sweeten it. Was it as sweet as the cake would have been? No where close! In fact, the kids don't like it at all because it tastes bland to them! But to me who is 20 days into no sugar, (yes I'm on day 14, but day 20 of the fast as I didn't do some lessons on the days I was sick...so numbers will be off!) that oat bar satisfied.

The same is true of God's Word! When I eat the junk of the world, it waters down the sweetness of God. Yes, food really does provide for me an immediate comfort, an immediate satisfaction. That is true. However, as soon as that last bite leaves my mouth, I want more and feel emptier than when I first ate! But God's Truth leaves me satisfied for the long haul! It may not provide an immediate satisfaction as I have to ponder it, memorize it, meditate on it, and often even sit and listen time and time again before God reveals to me all He wants to about a morsel from His Word. But in the long run, in the bigger pictures, it is so much more satisfying that anything this world has to offer me!

Yet, I still find myself "elbowing" as Nasser says my way into the world to make sure I get my "share" of what it has to offer instead of walking right past that table to sit with my Heavenly Father at His feast and drinking in all He is and wants for me. I plan to change that practice! I want God's food! I don't want the junk this world has to offer. The few times in my life that I have chosen to bypass the world to sit with God at His table, I have found that I am viewed as a "radical", a "Jesus Freak". That would make me pull back and reevaluate myself. Not that I mind being a "Jesus Freak" or a "radical", but these comments when made by other Christians have made me think I was going too far in my views. But what God is teaching me is that in this world, a world that has feasted way to long on the food the enemy pours into us, even most Christians don't know the sweetness of His RADICAL Truth! Therefore, the only voice I must listen to is HIS! If He is well-pleased, then no one else matters! And when I surround myself with mature, wise Christians whom I have given permission to speak truth in love to keep me on track, then the other voices can fall by the wayside. I don't need to entertain every criticism that comes my way!

Oh what freedom comes in eating at God's table! Will you pull up a chair and eat with me? What junk have you been eating that makes God's banquet of pure and holy food look undesirable? Don't let it lead to guilt...that is from the enemy...he wants to keep you at his table! Instead, confess it, let God take it away and pull up a chair at His table! He will fill you!

A Call to Die - Re-entry processing Part 1

*Warning - you are about to enter my thought process on re-entering American culture after a trip to Liberia...read at your own risk! :) And please don't judge my grammar or punctuation as this really is my thought stream! *

I am back from Liberia. Callie and I got in on Thursday night. She was amazing! There are no "aha" moments of life change for her, but you can't help but be changed after being there and seeing what she saw. She was right at home! No running water much of the time, no air conditioning, raining almost 24/7, stuck inside with 51 kids, and she never complained! I had to stop and remind myself that this was not her first time there as she was just so at home there and with the kids! I have an amazing daughter!!! She taught the kids to sing, "That's the way, aha, aha, I like it, aha, aha!" She did some funky dance/walk thing with it, so by the end of the week, I had 51 kids and several staff walking around doing a funky dance/walk singing the same song! It was priceless!

There are many funny stories,but the overwhelming need just keeps me from sharing those right now. The need to process the trip. It wasn't a stressful trip, in fact, compared to my other trips where we have worked the whole time to get clearance only minutes before take off, it was a very restful trip. However, the overwhelming need is still there! Adoptions still aren't open. That means money isn't flowing. That means staff haven't been paid, but are working because they believe in what we are doing for the children. It means the food we bought while we were there was bought with personal money because all the agency money was gone. I just sit and shake my head at all that needs to be done in Liberia knowing that I serve a God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills! I just need a couple of cows to feed my "sheep", yet I have none.

Those things along with some personal issues we have been dealing with has brought me once again to a crisis of faith in my life. Who is God? Is He real? Does He mean what He says? I believe when you come to a place like this, you have to just get real and get with God! You see, I "know" the right answers! If you sit and tell me that God is good all the time, He never leaves us or forsakes us, He only has my best interest at heart, I know all that...but when the rubber doesn't seem to meet the road, you have a crisis of faith.

So what do I do in a crisis of faith? I get before God like never before. As I traveled home, I begged God to answer many questions. Silence. I begged Him to show me how to go on, how to move forward, how to deal with the personal crisis and help the people of Liberia. Silence. Then I asked Him what He wanted from me, "Seek me!".

I read a book 4 or 5 years ago. It is called A Call to Die by David Nasser. When I read it before, I was literally unable to fast from food because I just couldn't do it. I would try, and by noon, I was done with my fast! So when I read it last time, I fasted from day time tv of any kind. It was a good time with God.

Several months ago, I did the Daniel Fast for 21 days. It was a great experience and gave me great confidence in my ability to carry out the spiritual discipline of fasting. But I haven't done any fasting since. I didn't grow up knowing about fasting, so it is kind of a new concept. When I did the Daniel fast last time, any spiritual implications kind of alluded me. But over the past month, I have just felt a heaviness....a need to seek God like never before...to dive deep for answers to questions that no one can answer for me, but God...to see Him real and in ways I never have...to know in my heart, not just my head, that He is good all the time and will never leave me or forsake me.

You see, what I see right now, just doesn't say that, and what I see in my past many times does not either. When in Liberia, I was crying out for God to provide for our ministry. I was reading 2 Corinthians under the direction of the Holy Spirit. Chapter 9 verse 6-10 just struck me as if someone had orally said them to me. They speak of when you sow sparingly you will reap sparingly, and when you sow bountifully you will reap bountifully. I thought about John and I personally. We haven't sowed as bountifully in the past as we should have with the blessings we have received, but we are both changing that! I can say that currently, we are doing much better at sharing our blessings with others. Then I thought about Addy's Hope. We have always been a VERY generous organization! When we have books, we share, when we had money before adoptions shut down, we started providing scholarships. Addy's Hope has always cared for as many as possible...not just the adoption workers and children.

Then verse 8 should be true: "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." Hmmmmm, isn't caring for children in an impoverished country a good deed? Isn't sharing the love of Jesus with people in a village a good deed? Isn't teaching women how to help other women give birth safely in a country that is number 2 or 3 (depending n which study you look at) in birth death rate a good deed? Then why is God not supplying an abundance and why do we not have sufficiency in everything? Is it because of sin? I'm sure it could be, I am an imperfect sinner in need of my Savior's grace everyday! But I know and God knows that my number one desire in all that I do is to walk in obedience and bring Him glory. I miss the mark many times as is pointed out often by the people I serve, but that is my number one desire.

Then verse 10 really hit home: "Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness." I got really excited! I started thinking of all that we can do when the seed for sowing comes in! But it hasn't come yet....we don't have an abundance, in fact, we barely have enough.

So that makes me start questioning the whole "Does God really exist or is this just some bad joke?" question. That may be offensive to some of you, but I don't apologize. It is just a woman who wants to follow God with all her heart sharing where she is right now in the midst of some really hard life stuff! If this verse isn't true right now, is it ever true? And if this isn't true, is anything in scripture true? And this is when you have to stop, take your thoughts captive and seek God like never before for the answers that no person can supply for you!

I picked up "A Call to Die" from my shelf and resolved to do the Daniel fast for 40 days. I want God more than food, and I want to be so focused on God that nothing gets in the way of me hearing what He needs to tell me! As I read Nassar's description of what "deny yourself" means: "to deny it [our selfish interests] means: don't feed it. Identify the source of food for your selfishness, and stray away from those things!", I decided I am also fasting from buying anything that is not necessary....necessary means something the kids need for school, food, or household items to keep it running. But clothes, decorations crafting materials, etc are not necessities and thus are part of the fast. I tend to come home from these trips when things are tough and I don't see a way to meet the needs that face me in Liberia and want to turn my back, forget it all and jump head long into American culture! I didn't used to be that way, but the more I try to help and the more obstacles I face, the more I want to just run!

But I know that isn't the answer. So fast it will be! I know following Christ is a call to die..I was even reminded of that in the sermon yesterday! I have a works background that I know is effecting something core in me that is keeping me bound up, so I will seek what that is, and I will kill it! For the only thing I want alive in my is the heart that longs to obey God...no matter how hard and no matter the cost!

Here is how Nassar put it: "But before we get to the cross, let's understand some things. Jesus begins this statement with a tiny but important word: if. He doesn't take it for granted that you and I will be willing to follow him along his path of radical obedience to the Father."

This is radical! But I am tired of fighting the same fleshy issues over and over as God calls me to a higher walk! "It is a call to die, a call to let your selfishness starve to death because you don't feed it. If it won't starve, we have to grab our selfishness by the throat and strangle it....because Satan is not gentle in dealing with us, we cannot be gentle in dealing with sin." I think I have been playing patty cake too long with some issues in my life. It's time to get it by the throat and strangle these issues once and for all!