He Will Not Leave You As Orphans

Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother!  I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah.  Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here.  John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him!  So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!

The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine.  I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's.  He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom!  That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!

Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption.  As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything!  I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus!  But I also thought of the hard days.  I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him.  I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life.  It's about new identities.  It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!

I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season.  But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!


"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18

Mother's Day Reflections: Mourning to Dancing

I haven't really had time to stop and think about Mother's Day.  Life is whizzing by at an alarming rate right now.  But last night during worship, I had a brief moment where I thought about Mother's Day, and I was overcome with grief.  I know, not your typical Mother's Day warm fuzzy feeling post.  Stick with me.....

We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God.  We sang these words

He wraps Himself in Light,

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was immediately transported in time about 9 years ago when we were in the process of fighting to bring Eden home after Addy had passed away.  I had no idea about spiritual warfare or the powers of darkness like I do now, but even in my ignorance, I knew we were fighting something very dark in the battle that raged for our daughter.

There is a line in this song that says,

 "How Great is our God, sing with me, 

How Great is our God, that all the world will see, 

How Great is our God."

Whenever we would sing that song during that time, I was always renewed in my battle for Eden. I wanted the watching world to see that God is good.  I wanted Him to see that He cares for His children! I wanted to keep fighting so that His glory could go on display when she came home and He worked all the miracles out to get her here.

Last night as I again sang, 

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was overcome with the mourning of all the losses I have suffered in the 14 years of being a mother.  The grief brought on the sobs...the ugly cry!  Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, Addy was taken from us by a very preventable illness just months after she became my daughter in my heart even if not legally, Eden was taken from me by an agency who worked in corrupt dealings and by a Consular more concerned with the letter of the law and her power than by the spirit of the law and a child - a daughter who in three short weeks bonded with me in a way an adopted child of 4 years old doesn't usually bond in 3 years, a daughter who the last memory I have of her was as she was being ripped off my neck screaming "momma!momma!" because the helicopter that I thought was carrying me to get the little stamp that would allow her in three days to get on the helicopter with me was about to leave - we never got that stamp.  The grief of letting go of a precious little guy that we only had 4 months, knew we wouldn't get to keep him when he came, but still ripped out my heart when he was moved to another foster home an eventually back to his mother with only my prayers and seeds I pray have taken root as I prayed the Word over him as I would rock him each night.  And now that heart ache of knowing a mother's day is upon me and one of my children is out there in a very scary place and I can't fix it.  My second grand baby is due in just a few weeks, and I don't even know if we will know when he is born.  

In the seconds it took for these snapshots to flash through my mind, I glanced back at the screen and read the words again...only this time, with the anger of a hurting  mom and the questions of a daughter asking her Heavenly Father why the darkness didn't tremble at His voice and get out of the way in these situations? Why are some of the circumstances of right now that really don't seem very fair or much like God is winning happening if darkness trembles and hides at His voice?!

And in a matter of a couple of more lines, I knew! GREAT is our God! That still small whisper that I have committed to listening to more intently in 2013 and following when it is still a whisper and not waiting for the BOOM that comes when I keep "praying" because I'm just not quite sure I "heard correctly" whispered to me - 

"Darkness has fled because you are still standing! Darkness trembles because you didn't quit! Eden didn't come home, your world was tilted off it's access, but you allowed me to tilt it back upright and just two years later trusted Me enough to start the journey again bringing Toben (which means believing God is good) home! You brought a little boy into your home that you knew would leave so that you could care for him in the short time you had him, planting My seeds of hope and the Word in his spirit to be watered and germinate when I am ready.  Darkness has hid because after walking through the devastation of watching a daughter walk away with your grandbaby and still estranged as you face a Mother's Day without contact, you still make finding families for children waiting in the foster system your life's mission! The enemy tried to convince you that you should never ask a family to go through what you went through, but you trusted Me when I told you that I would preserve your calling and ministry."

And my mourning turned to dancing.  I realized that even though circumstances, the snapshots, looked grim and dark, the over all picture was one of hope and light!  It encouraged me in my circumstances right now that seem quite dim and extremely overwhelming...impossible, really!  It reminded me that GREAT is our God, and because all need to see how great He is, I have to persevere! And when you and I persevere through the pain, through the trials, through the unknown, and we do it trusting God regardless of circumstances, we show a watching world that our God IS good - not just when we get the answer to prayer we asked for - the daughter on the helicopter with you, but even when the answer is no!  I hope that encourages you today if you are struggling in an area of pain or heartache - especially as we come upon Mother's Day that is truly such a heart wrenching day for so many women....many whom I call friend! I pray those of you who have babies in Jesus' arms but none in yours find comfort this weekend! I won't try to tell you what you need to feel, just know even a mom of 7 remembers her first mother's day....just four months after losing my baby...and the pain that came with it. Just know beauty will come of these ashes!  He promises it if you trust Him! And for my friends who are "paper pregnant".....get ready!!!  Next Mother's Day, you will be having one heck of a party! Press on, moms!  Press on! Joy will come in the morning!

More of You, No Matter the Cost!

I've really got to stop writing posts like the last one!  Seems that every time I do, I'm challenged on the truth I put into words.  Later the same day that I had written the post, I received a letter in the mail that opened a firestorm of events in my life.  Events that would bring a first for me.  You know when you say on a phone call, "get this fixed or you will be speaking to my attorney?"  Well, I had to make good on that for the first time in my life yesterday!  Someday I will share details - but right now, please pray for me.  I am up against a system in our society that I have learned this week is known for it's retaliation and blackballing of people who whistle blow.  And anyone who knows me knows that nothing gets my blood boiling like injustice....and this system works with underprivileged people all the time!  If they are doing this to me, I cannot even imagine what they are doing to those who do not have an understanding of the system or have the means to fight this giant!  It is on their behalf that I will fight this!  I wear a bracelet that says, "Be the Change!"  Putting feet to that in this situation.

Then we get news about a family member that sent us to our knees in fear as well as concern and overwhelming sadness.  The battle with the social system had me once again wanting to walk away from the work that I do.  I know the enemy is out to get my ministry.  It is evident.  As I was in between phone calls on Monday dealing with the current issue, my phone rings and it is a reporter from the New Yorker calling to fact find on the piece I gave information for over a year ago (that honestly I thought had already gone to print and I just missed seeing it) about the corruption in adoption in Liberia when we worked there.  I am going to have to find the post of when we brought Toben home and re-post...not even sure I ever really posted about it because it was such a traumatic event at the time.  Google my name.  You will find a news article that says I trafficked children.  That was what we found when we got on US soil with our precious Toben after a 10 day fight!  Working internationally and accused of child trafficking.  Working domestically, and now this.  It was as if God was sending me a message with the call from the New Yorker..."Remember what happened when the enemy did this?  You spent a couple of weeks worrying if the FBI was going to show up on your doorstep and arrest you.  Nothing came of that!  You almost laugh at it now.  You will do the same of this situation!"  It was in that moment that God solidified once again the call He has on my life.  I'm not special!  He has a call on all our lives...you have one on yours too!  And then He reminded me of the week I went to Austin and had some life transforming moments with Him.

I listened to Bill Johnson podcasts all the way to Austin that week.  He spoke right to my soul!  He taught on some things that God has used to literally transform my life, my thinking.  The podcast that challenged me the most was "Being the Sacrifice Fire Falls On".  Google it and listen to it, but beware!  It is life changing!  God reminded me yesterday that I had prayed the same prayer Bill Johnson prayed....more of you, God, no matter the cost!  When Bill Johnson prayed that, he woke up paralyzed three nights in a row.  It's an amazing testimony!

Within weeks of coming home from that trip where I prayed with all my being to experience more of God and to know Him at a different level than I ever have, a child left our family, my house was torn apart by a remodel, my marriage hit some bumps and my ministry is threatened!  Every area of my identity has been rocked!  The small voice came back, "Do you still mean it?  Do you really mean  whatever the cost?"  And in the face of all the conflict, especially the threatening of my ministry, and in a moment that I truly believe God was saying, "You can walk away!", I knew I really did mean it!  More of God, less of me, whatever the cost! Bill Johnson says it best:

"Doesn't matter what it costs.  I died to that a long time ago.  I'm not in this because of what I get, I'm in it because it's what I was born for.  I was summoned.  I was called by The Only One who has a right to rule my life. I was summoned, I was called by name.  I would be a fool to say no to that summons, that call, that invitation. [I have a desire] to be the offering, that which attracts God."

Don't hear me say that God puts us through trials for kicks or for His own pompous need for us to need Him.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  He allows trials in our lives for our own need of Him.  In our weakness is when He is strong. It is in our raw need that we see Him the most.  It is in our desperate times that we learn to lean on Him...when we literally have nothing or no one else. And that is where these events have left me!  Raw, vulnerable and totally open to the presence of God because He is the only One who can bring peace.  I have learned to find contentment in any and all circumstances.  I have learned to not be led by emotions.  I have learned to trust Him and fight the enemy not believing the lies the enemy tries to throw at me.  I have learned to live by faith - being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see - in a way I never have.  I have been challenged to believe that without faith it is impossible to please God and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him!  To believe any of that, I had to believe what I read in the Bible is truth and "reality" and not my circumstances!

And in the face of it all, I say, if I get a more intimate knowledge of God and relationship with God in the exchange, I say, YES!

From Liberia to Kingergarten

This is my baby boy. He went to kindergarten this week. Did I cry? I managed to choke it back! I was actually doing great until John says as we headed to his classroom, "You came all the way from Africa for this!" That did it! My heart broke and the tears welled in the eyes.

I am learning that there are many significant events in life that with adopted children are even more significant. Not that the first day of kindergarten wasn't a big deal for Callie, it was! She was my first one to go! I thought my heart was being ripped out! But, there was never a doubt from the time she was conceived that she would go to kindergarten. That is just what we do in America. And really not a doubt that she would go to college...unless God calls her to the mission field before that....because that is just what we do in our family.

But that is just not the case with my baby boy, Toben! From the moment he was conceived, there was a question mark. Liberia has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world. One in five babies die before they reach the age of five. That means one of my five children would not make it past five. That is sobering. It is also has one of the highest deaths among births for moms in the world. I can't imagine the fear mixed with joy his mother must have had when reality hit that she was expecting her second baby. Would she make it through the delivery to raise this baby and his older brother? If she did, would the baby survive? Would she have enough milk to nurse him? There are no other options for her, you see. No Wal-Mart to go buy formula if the milk doesn't come in. Toben defied the odds. He survived delivery, and so did she. He made it to two and a half years old before there was no more milk. Then he was brought to a home. A home full of children. A home that housed his older brother whose court decree had just been signed making him the son of an American family.

A mother who loved her son enough to let him go. A father who dreamed of a better future for his little boy. But more importantly, a Heavenly Father who had ordained Toben's days before even one came to be. He has a plan for Him!
All of that for Toben to make his way to kindergarten!

You see, this is the house that Toben live in before he moved to the orphanage.

These are children in his village as they were when I visited last year.

They don't attend school. They have no hope of attending school. As we waited for him mother to come in from the field, we sat in the kitchen (pictured here) and talked to the girls and their babies. I use girls purposely as most of them could not have been more than 13 or 14 years old and had one or more babies. Those who were able were working the fields to get enough money or food to sustain themselves for one more day. Survival. That is the name of the game.

But not for Toben. God picked him up out of that and placed him in my home. He entrusted this little boy to me and John. He entrusted us to provide for him the things that he would not have received if he had been left where he was.

Why? Why did Toben leave and these other children remain? Why was it important for him to escape that life?

I.

Don't.

Know.

I wrestled with that as an adoptive mom before Toben, and I wrestle with it even more as an adoption/humanitarian worker. It is one of those things that I just have to release and rest in knowing that God's ways are not mine!

I often forget all that Toben came from, but on this day, as I walked him to his class, it came flooding back and I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be this little boy's mommy! I was overwhelmed with the magnitude of what that means. I have a job to do with all my children, and I will be held accountable for my failures - which are many! But for my adopted children, God removed them from the mom they had for a reason. I don't know always why that reason is, but I owe it to those women and more importantly to God to bring honor to their decision to let them go and God's decision to place them with me.

As I took this picture, I knew in this situation, I was doing that! Toben was starting school. He was beginning a new chapter of his life that would not have been possible had he remained where he was. Even if I had supplied his mom with the money for school as so many think should be done (aka: UNICEF, Save the Children), there was NO SCHOOL for him to attend! It. Would. Not. Have. Happened! It wasn't just a matter of money! It was a matter of everything....and now, he has gone from Liberia to kindergarten, and only by the grace of God!

And he is not the only one! In an amazing thing that God has done just to add icing on the cake, Toben started with an orphanage mate! The little boy in this picture with Toben was in the orphanage with him. His family now lives two blocks from us and are some of our best friends!

God, thank you for my little boy. Thank you for entrusting him to me! I am overcome right now with how unworthy I am of this little guy! And you quietly remind me that I am so unworthy of the cross, and the oh so many other good gifts you have given me! My life is not enough, Lord for what you have done for me, but it is all I have....and I give it to You! Thank you for allowing me to be apart of this miracle of adoption! What a picture of Your love for us! Help me to always bring honor to your decision to place this little boy in my home and to be called my son. Thank you! I love you! Amen!

The Journey: For Jo

I want to respond to a comment I got on my last post about Little Guy...Jo, I did publish your comment, even though you could not be further from the truth...and I will explain why!
Hollyann,

I usually enjoy your posts and this is my transparent response - (we can be transparent too right?LOL).

No seriously, taking the last two posts together, it seems to me you rejected this little boy because: (a) your mom wouldn't like his braids; and (c) because his skin color wasn't your preference. In fact, after these two factors became apparent, your "heart was shut immediately." That's about as shallow as one can be. Wow.

I know you will either not post this or chalk it up to just another person attacking you. Or someone who doesn't really know you (even though the words are for the world to read). I'm sorry if that is usually the case. But this time, your last two posts are offensive. But, hey, its "transparent", so that makes everything just fine and unchallengable!

ugh.

Jo

First let me address why you concluded that I 'rejected' this little boy. If you will scan down my posts, you will see pictures of all five of my children. I'm not sure where you can say that I would turn a child away because of skin color. I have children of all shades. And have desired that since I was a child. But since you don't really know me, you wouldn't know that. And for the braids, yes, that would have been a challenge with my parents. And in fact, that concern is one of the least shallow things I could think. You see, once again because you don't know me, what you don't know is that my parents have been against all of our adoptions. They don't totally understand why we do what we do. They have come to respect it over the years, but even with the decision to take on another child, they had real concerns and were pretty well against it. Why I say it is not shallow to think of that is because when we have family pictures later this year, that little boy will be in them. That means that whatever child I bring into my home will be in the family portrait that my parents hang on their wall. When we adopted Noah, I didn't consider that. I very arrogantly told my parents about our decision to adopt Noah and pretty well just told them to accept it because we were adults and they couldn't stop us from doing it. That was shallow. But in the adoption journeys since then, I have come to realize that what we do does affect them. Will I ever choose pleasing my parents over walking in obedience to God, I pray I won't! But ultimately, considering that is not shallow and the feelings of fear about having to deal with their feelings about the braids, well those are real. I can deny them and pretend to be perfect, but that doesn't help me or the number of people reading my blog who have thanked me for my transparency in my decisions and dealing with inter-racial adoption. Those people read the heart in all my posts and understand that I don't make any decisions based on hair style or skin color, but on hours of prayer and being on my face before the Lord begging for His answers and submitting my will to His. Do I always succeed in making the right decisions, definitely not. But I can guarantee you that every decision from adoption to where to send my kids to school to how to spend our money is made at the foot of the cross with a heart that only desires to please God and glorify Him.

As far as my posts being offensive, I'm sorry that you chose to take them that way. My heart was shut immediately. But as I stayed and played with the Little Guy and as I prayed for wisdom over the situation, my heart opened...why else would I have been trying to find a way to accept the referral of him and his sister? Did you miss that part? His skin color and braids were not stopping me from pursuing it all the way to the point that God said, stop.

And for the skin color part. As I explained, that has to do with sensitivity to a child I have already committed to...my son. This is based on a conviction that I have had for over a year now...and have stood on even when my own husband didn't necessarily agree with me. Now that Toben has voiced these concerns, John totally agrees with me. Our decision to not take Little Guy was based on MANY things. I didn't go into all of them in my post about peace. But let me explain a little more here since you have brought up the skin color.

We are at 5 kids. In Texas, you can only have 6 kids total in your care before you have to be moved to a group home. When you become a group home, you are supposed to only take in kids who are 5 or older. That is not what John and I feel comfortable with at this time in our lives. I would LOVE to adopt older children, and in fact, we pursued a sibling group of 6 who were 7-16. You can read about that in older posts. But God shut that door and was gracious to show us the reason for that placement consideration. Ever since then, we have agreed that we needed to take in younger children. This has a lot to do with our calling in life...what I know I was put on the earth to do. I have a very strong call on my life to help children find families. I am blessed to know many large families...and by large I mean 9-20 children. I don't see us as a "large" family - a fact that just blows John's mind! John and I have talked many times about our admiration of these families. One thing that you notice is that their family is their calling. They do little else. They can't. When you have that many children, you need to limit outside activity to make sure you are serving your children and spouse. I stand firm on my belief that my family is my first and most important calling. I have gotten that out of balance at times with my work in Addy's Hope. So I am very protective of that now. As we look at adding children to our family, we also have to look at our role in Addy's Hope. John and I stood in our kitchen before calling Buckner and talked about what adding two toddlers to our family would mean. It would greatly hinder my ability to go to churches and talk about the need we saw at the group home. It would greatly hinder my ability to have couples over to the house to talk about what they feel God is asking them to do by adopting or fostering but are scared to death. I know my limits, and I know my calling. I greatly admire the women who have more children than me and handle it like pros..even home schooling! I don't judge them, I many times envy them. But I am confident in the calling God has on my life and that means I can't look at them and try to make my life look like theirs any more than they need to make their life look like mine. It means we all seek God for ourselves and walk in what He calls us each to...that is what makes The Body the I love so dearly function as a Body! We are nearing the limit of children we can handle at this stage of life with the calling God has on me for adoption as a whole. That means adding a child who is not full African American could possibly mean Toben grows up without a child who looks like him. I don't believe that is what is best for him, our family or what God has called us to. If you read back over my posts from The Journey, you will see where I post over and over that I am very confident that God puts desires in our hearts for a reason. They guide us to the child He has for us. Does he ask us to be open to things that are not our desires at times? Yes, and I believe He did that with Little Guy and I answered with a resounding, Yes, Lord! I am your bond servant! May it be to me as you desire! But in the end, He didn't say bring him home. He used Little Guy in my life, but I think more importantly in John's life, to solidify our calling to motivate and act as a catalyst to empower churches to empower their people to respond to the epidemic of children in need of families in our nation and around the world!

Jo, I don't know if you are a foster parent or adoptive parent or who you are because your profile is not public. I always find it ironic that the people who leave the most negative comments are the ones who do not have public profiles. I'm glad you have "enjoyed" most of my posts. I would love for you to continue reading my blog. But I would encourage you to not leave negative comments on my blog or anyone elses if you are not going to be bold enough to at least have your blog public and open yourself up to the same kind of criticism from strangers that you are giving to me and anyone else that you leave such comments on their blog.

I could have posted the nice, thought about, wrapped up thoughts on my blog. I could have left out the messy ones. The ones that aren't generated from God...the ones that I can look back later and know the enemy was using to derail me...but I chose not to even with the criticism of people like you. I do that because I believe it is VERY important for those of us who have gone before to be frank about our feelings and fears in adoptions...especially inter-racial adoptions. That way those who are being called to do this and are just beginning are not discouraged and dissuaded by their own fears and thoughts that they are too scared to speak because of people like you who will judge them and put them down.

Since you don't have a public profile and I don't know if you are a foster or adoptive family, I don't know if you have ever had to wrestle with any of these kinds of thoughts. If you are an adoptive or foster family and you have never had any of those "what if" or "is this the match for me" thoughts and took every child that came your way without question, then you are either a saint or not totally honest with anyone...including yourself. I have walked many adoptive parents through the process of deciding whether a placement is right for them. The ones I respect the most are the ones that wrestle with that decision. It shows that they are very serious about the role they have in taking in a child. It shows that they believe that adoption is permanent! They are not a family who will give it a try and then if it doesn't work out, place the child back up for adoption like some do. I truly admire families who wrestled this out....even if in the end it meant they turned down a placement.

You said you are only being transparent. I would encourage you to be more transparent...open your profile so I and anyone else who wants to can read your blog! That is true transparency!

Lastly let me say, thank you for your comment. It did make me go back and evaluate what I said and how we made our decision. I don't know you, but God used you to fulfill Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another." And for that I am grateful!

Baby pictures

I FINALLY got to go see Blind Side last week with John. One of my favorite parts was when at Michael's graduation, his mom has a baby picture of him. Her husband leaned over and asked where she got it, and she said out of an advertisement! I loved it..but at the same time my mommy heart was sad! When Toben graduates or we have as slide show at his wedding, I won't have baby pictures of him either. I am a picture freak! So it makes me very sad to know I don't have any of him before he was 2 and a half.

I hadn't really thought of it that much until a couple of weeks ago when there was a precious baby boy at church who is African American and sporting an afro. Tears came to my eyes as I wondered, "Is that what Toben looked like?" I will never know!

It hit again when we were looking on the American Girl Doll site for the bitty twins that Callie wants. She wants the dark skinned ones, so a little boy popped up with curly dark hair! Like mother, like daughter: those are the ones she wants! :)

Did he look like the doll with really tight curls? Just one of the many things I will never know about the first three years of his life that I missed out on! But I can spend the rest of his life making up for it! And I plan to do just that!

Battles and Perspectives

Today is a rough day! This is Toben and Ava's last day at their current Mother's Day out program. They have many friends there and Toben has amazing teachers! Ms. Becca even cried when we told her we were leaving..touched my heart more than she can ever know! As an inter-racial family we get many responses and to have another person love my African son in that manner just makes my heart sing...and then break since I am moving him.

I have agonized and agonized over this decision. About the time I would think I am over reacting and I need to just let it drop, God puts a lesson in my inbox or in another lesson I am listening to about fighting. The post from the Proverbs 31 devotion is one example. Another is a Beth Moore Podcast that I listened to on a recent trip. She stressed over and over that at this time in Western Christianity, we need fighters! Her words were, "We are in desperate need of warriors, not whiners!" Then she repeated over and over, "We have to STEP UP! STEP UP!" A wrong was done at their Mother's Day out program. Two specific children with special needs were discriminated against, one was my daughter. The only choice given to me was to move my child (which I was informed would result in a speedy replacement for their program) or leave my job every time Ava needed her diaper changed. Could I do that? Yes, I could, but should I? I don't think so. Should I remove just Ava and let Toben stay? Why would I leave him in a program that seems to have no concern for children with needs or really in the development of a child. I was very sarcastically asked when the issue was being discussed with the director if I had found any program in Midland that would take a three year old who was not potty trained. In fact, I did! Four out of the five I spoke to did not require her to be potty trained (even without a medical condition) and one of them that did said they would make an allowance for her since she has a medical condition keeping her from being on target currently. And the more research I did, the more I found that no child development professional says that children who are not potty trained by 3 are behind! Most state that children will usually be trained between the ages of 2 and 4.

So am I doing the right thing? I wish I could say without a doubt that I am. I can't. But I do know that God needs more people to step up for what is right! So many of the things that I have had to step in and fight for would not have even occurred if the people before me had fought or even just informed others instead of laying down and taking the easy, less conflict path. Just a few of these are the halt on adoptions in Liberia and the agency we used to adopt Eden and Addy that resulted in a denied visa. Because of these experiences, God has placed with in me a willingness to fight a battle even when I may not see the positive outcome of the results, but those who come after me will. That is why I am doing what I am doing at the school.

The other thing I consider on this tough day is perspective. I was reminded that even my adoptive parents don't understand why I want to fight the Liberian government for the rights of the Liberian children and the oppressed people of Liberia. It's not that they don't know the problems. It is that they see a different perspective than I can see. Because of confidentiality among other things, they cannot know all that I know about the officials that I have been called by God to expose. They see their adoptions. The same is true with me and God.

In this little situation with my children and their school, I just see how it effects my kids. The easier road would be to leave them there. But what I don't see is the bigger picture that God sees. There may be a real reason He needs me to remove my children as a statement that intolerance of children with minor needs should not be tolerated, or a director not communicating expectations to parents is not a good way to run a program. I don't know. But I know that God has impressed on me that laying down and letting this incident go without notice is not ok.

So with a heavy heart that the actions of adults have caused my children heartache, I will pick them up today and take them to their new school on Tuesday.

Oh, AND this afternoon we meet with one of Callie's teachers who continues to refuse to follow policies set by the school or provide Callie with all the materials she needs to complete requirements.

Add on top of that my conviction (only mine...I don't judge those without the conviction and wish those without it wouldn't judge me...) to not participate in Halloween in any way on a day when the little kids are having costume parades, and I am beat up before my day even begins today. Well, that is not accurate! I have just had to use my armor a lot already this morning and have a few arrows stuck in my shield of faith and belt of truth where I fended off the attacks from the enemy saying that I should compromise just this once..its not a big deal to put them in some dress-up clothes...well, that would be true except God says NO! Weary of fighting? Me too!

But if I don't fight for my children, who will? As I put on my face book status when all this was coming to a head...this reminds me of the 143 million children who don't have parents fighting for them! And my heart breaks again!

A Summer Day

Cabin fever = put it all down and go outside before you lose your mind!

The Anticipation!

On your mark, get set, go!

A New Motherly Feeling this Mother's Day

I have spent seven Mother's Days as an adoptive mom. I always thought of Noah's birthmom on those days, well those among others! She had her tubes tied right after Noah was born, so unless she has step children or the tubal didn't take, she does not have children to celebrate with on Mother's Day. I am always thankful for the gift she gave me in Noah. I am always thankful she chose life for him as she had already aborted three babies. I have nothing but the utmost respect for the woman who bore Noah. She had a hard life. She didn't know how to have what it took to raise a baby. I understand that. But since she is in America, I always knew that if she had decided to parent any of her children, she would have been given WIC and HUD housing. She had options.



This is not the same for Toben's mom. Probably the most common question in Toben's story is where are his parents. I have commented before that I find it ironic no one really asks that about Noah, but it is usually the first question when talking about Toben.



When I went back to Liberian in February and visited Toben's village, I was changed....forever! When Toben's mom threw down the container she was carrying on my head and ran into my arms, almost tackling me despite the fact that she is almost half my size, I was humbled in a way I had never known! She hadn't even seen pictures of Toben yet. She just responded that way to seeing me. She cried and danced, praising God! Then when she saw Toben's pictures, she started all over again! I was speachless! I just stood there smiling not even knowing what to say.

That encounter has totally changed me! It changes the way I look at Toben! I have never felt the need to "share" Noah...he is mine! But I feel differently with Toben. His mother didn't have ANY resources except to let him go. No government was going to help her raise her children. She saw an opportunity for her two boys (Toben has a bio brother adopted by a family in Dallas) to have a future she never had! When I came home, I hugged Toben for me AND for her! Now when I look at Toben, I see her face! He looks quite a bit like her! I feel a responsibility to her to make sure I love him all that I can and teach him the best I can and make sure he knows the Word. I never felt that, and honestly, still don't towards Noah's mom.

This Mother's Day, I went to a tea they had at Toben's school. They had all made gifts and they were wrapped by our placemats. As Toben unwrapped his, so excited for me to see it, I almost lost it! I had this overwhelming sorrow! This gift should be hers! She should be receiving this from Toben! It totally took me off guard! Like I said, I have never had these feelings toward Noah's mom - right or wrong, that is just how it is.

So this Mother's Day, I took time to pray for a young mother half way around the world who spends her days in a field trying to care for the two children who still live with her. Praying that she has peace and knows in her heart that her boys are loved and cared for! Praying that I will do good by her...that I will honor her decision by being the best mommy Toben could ever hope for!

There are days I fail miserably at that, I sure she would understand, but most days, I look in his face....her face....and know that I have a tremendous responsibility! And I can't wait to see her again and tell her all about all the things he has done! And I will forever be grateful that she allowed me the joy of being Toben's mom!

My Dark Brown Boy

I was looking through my pictures of all my Liberia trips. It was a good journey for the most part. I was getting pictures for a slide show that John is using to make a video to help us raise funds since we haven't paid salaries or rent this month in Liberia and the food money I left when I was there will run out at the end of this week. I would be fibbing if I said that I hadn't had a few sleepless nights over this, but in four years of being responsible for funding care for children in Liberia, God has ALWAYS provided! So I am trusting Him to once again work a miracle that will bring funds or multiply food, or however He sees fit to meet the needs of the kids and staff He has entrusted to our care.

As I looked through the pictures, I was overcome with so many feelings. Joy as I saw faces that were once there, but are now here! Sadness over faces that have been there through many of my trips and are still waiting to come home. Frustration that there are faces still needing families, but I can't ask anyone to commit to a child in the current situation. Humility as I see the conditions that our children used to live in. Joy as I see the conditions they now live in. Hope as I think of all the families waiting for some of these faces to come home, but at the same time almost despair as I think of these same families and the whole that I know is in their heart that hurts beyond belief when they look at these faces that they wait to kiss and love!

And then I think of my dark brown boy asleep in his bed just a few feet from me. I think of where he has come from. I got to see the hut he slept in. I got to see children that he would have been had for whatever reason God chose to pluck him from those circumstances and place him right here in my home.

We have had a series the past few weeks at church on parenting and marriage, basically, family topics. Today, our pastor was talking about our children and how for whatever reason, God has placed our children in our home at just this time because He needs them to be trained by us however we do it for whatever He has in store for them in His kingdom. I know Daniel probably has no idea just how powerful that is to hear as an adoptive parent, but man, it immediately made me think of my little Toben! I have struggled since seeing his village with why - I hate that I do that! But I have wondered, why Toben? Why me? Why is Toben not still stuck over there like some of the other children who have been waiting to come to home? Why did Toben get to enter the adoption program while so many others still live in the village where he did...with out a water well, without clothes, without food except what they can collect right around their home?

Tonight, Toben went to bed with a full stomach after a day of eating plenty to not just fill him, but nourish him as well. Children in his village went to be tonight with bloated stomachs...not because they were full, but because there was not enough to eat, not enough protein. Children in his village could very well wake up with a water born illness that will take their life as Cholera did Addy's because there is no safe water for them to drink. Toben can at any time walk to the refrigerator and fill his glass with safe, cold water!

I don't often think of where my kids came from...Toben or Noah. They are here now, and it is my job to train them as men of God. But every once in a while, my mind does the "what if?" game. It did that today as I looked at the pictures. What if he wasn't here? What if he was still with his birth mom? I really can't go there. My heart would break!

Why did God choose him? Why did God choose me? I don't know! All I know is I am so thankful He did!


God, help me be the mommy this dark brown boy needs! Forgive me for the times I fall short, and make up for my short falls. Help me to train Toben to be all he needs to be in order to serve You in Your kingdom in whatever capacity You have ordained. Most of all, God, thank you! Thank you for my little dark brown boy that looks at a picture of two women, one white and one dark brown, and when asked if that is your momma (meaning the dark brown one) replies, "No silly! That's my momma!" and points to me! Thank you for a woman who broke her heart by giving up a son in order that he could be mine.

My son's home

Today was an exhausting day! I rode the four hour one way trip to Nimba with roads that are far less then pefect! Pot holes everywhere! But it was so worth it!

I made a promise to the parents who came with Toben's biological parents that I would some day go to Nimba to see where they lived. Today I made good on that promise. Nimba is in the interior. It is away from Monrovia, so the poverty increases. This is where a lot of the kids that we have brought home came from.

The first stop was the home of 7 of the children. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends all came out to see the pictures. When I showed them to an older lady, she didn't hardly see them before she started dancing and praising the Lord! It was amazing! She was so excited to see her grandchildren and how they were doing! She started saying, "I sell my children? I will never see them again? Look here!" She had been chastised for placing her children for adoption. As the common mindset here in Liberia is that 'adoption' means the children will be sold in slavery or taken for their organs or sent to Iraq for war. A big part of what God has allowed me to do this trip is to use the media to educate people on what adoption is! She was so excited to have proof to her naysayers that her grandchildren were happy and alive, and thriving!

We went to a couple of other homes. One of the mother's had cooked lunch for us. So I ate field rice with meat & cabbage stew. I really ate the stew! However, it was so hot that I had to eat mainly rice with a little stew! I'm not fully Liberian yet, evidently!

Next we went to Toben's village. It was off the road just a litte, surrounded by greenery. And in this little expanse in the greenery is a grass hut kitchen and eight to ten mud huts with grass roofs. There is no water well, no bathroom, no shower, no school, no access to medical care. But there are children everywhere, most only with shirts on as pants are a luxury here. The girls nursing babies look to be not much more than 13 or 14. Each one had a baby on her hip or at her breast. I just sat in the "kitchen" watching it all as they went to get Toben's birth mom from the farm where she was working. I was trying to take it all in, but the more I looked around, the harder it was. It was as if I had no where to file in my American brain what I was looking at! Eventhough this is my fifth trip to Liberia, the poverty and way of life of so many Liberians just doesn't compute. I can't imagine that a place like this really exists in 2009! But it does!

I hear Toben's mom saying, "Welcome, welcome!" as she comes down the path. As soon as she emerges from the brush, I get up and go around the group of people. When she locks eyes with me, she throws the bucket she was carrying on her head to the ground and breaks into a dead run! She nearly nocked me down as we embraced. Then her laughter turned to sobs as she said over and over, "Thank you, Father! Thank you, Father!" The faith of these people still amazes me! It shines a light on my lack of faith as I live a life of luxury and want to stop each time it gets hard! But hard is a daily reality for this lady just to survive! She saw the album I brought her of Toben, and she just wept! It was such a sweet moment! I saw Toben's 12X12 mud hut that he called home before he came to Addy's Hope. I met the children that were born around the time he was. I could not grasp that if Toben was not in my home right now, this is where he would be! Walking around, probably with no clothes, dirty, hungry, smiling (as all the children are so happy!), but sentenced to a life of poverty and hardship simpling because of where he was born!

So there we were! Two moms, a world apart, sharing the love of a little boy! It was a magical moment really! Something that trying to explain would just ruin.

The whole day was kind of that way! I don't stop and think enough about the lives that we have touched. Pastor Paul, our staff Pastor, has reminded me so many times this week that we have changed the lives of 37 so far! There are another 59 waiting in our home. Then at each place we stopped, they asked us to please take children with us today! They longed for more children to be removed from the circumstances that so many are in, with no help from the government or any other organization. UNICEF is not helping them, yet they are against adoption. Save the Children are not helping them, yet they are against adoption. I am not against what they do. I still believe it will take all of us! But until they can feed and educate and clothe and provide shelter for ALL children, then adoption should be one of the options available!

I was reminded today that only but by the grace of God was I born in America and have the freedoms, joys and abundance that I am blessed to enjoy. Toben's mom didn't choose to be born into a country that was in the middle of civil war with bullet riddled houses and light posts, no infrastructure and no education system. It could have just as easily been me! But since I am the one with the abundance, then I have an obligation to do something to help those without. And because of that, I have to keep going! I have to keep fighting the battles and caring for the children! God used today to cement in me the calling He has on my life! It may get tough, but quitting is not an option!

God's sense of humor

Ok, I really don't have time to post, but since I work alone, sometimes I just need to post so someone hears me! :) And the irony of my day today just had to be shared!

So I am leaving for Liberia soon...haven't posted about it as I have many enemies that try to block my work in Liberia, so I need to keep them guessing right now!

But I really needed to work today. Lost on my "to-do" list to prepare for a trip, and this is a day when the little ones are in Children's Day Out. But God, in his sense of humor that I really don't understand most times, sees fit to allow Toben to come down with a stomach virus today. So about 20 minutes after I arrived at the office, I get a call that he has thrown up. So I pick him up and now at home working and loving on my sick boy!

The irony is that I am literally calling government officials inbetween pukes! It just hit me as hilarious..I actually laughed out loud! Only a mommy can find herself calling Liberia and Congress while cleaning up puke! You mommies out there can relate, I am sure! :)

What can I say?

I know you might think you have the cutest toddlers in the world, but I have to tell you...you are wrong! hee!hee! Because I have the cutest toddlers in the world! Take a look for yourself!



Recognize the bear??? That is "Lonely Bear", only we have had to change his name to Mr. Bear because he is no longer lonely! How could he be with a hug like that wrapped around him? Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever seen????!!! I am a blessed momma!

What a difference a year makes....

One year ago today John and I boarded a plane for Liberia. We were going to pick up our son. That is what John and HollyAnn, the parents were doing. HollyAnn, the director of an agency, was also meeting three other families to bring their children home. Little did we know what we were entering!

One year later, I wish I could walk away from it all. I wish I could have rejoiced in getting Toben home and gone on to live our lives. I wish I could send a check on gotcha day to some organization that is working in Liberia, reflect on the miracles we saw to bring Toben home, stay in touch with a few adoptive parents, and live our lives...

But I am reminded daily that the above wishes are not possible. One year later, I am still fighting a government to be able to help its own people. I am being told by their own government officials to fight with all I have and "hit them where it hurts" because that is the only way they will listen. Oh God, what have you called me to....

Then I pick up books like Shela Walsh's Life is Tough But God is Faithful. And these are the lessons God is teaching me:

"There is something built into every human being that says, "I have rights!" When we read in Romans 12:1 that all Christians are "living sacrifices," it sounds so noble. We hold on to that wonderful thought without ever wondering what the implications might be. When Paul used the words living sacrifices, he meant something much different from the old system.

In the Old Testament, a lamb was not consulted as to how it felt about being offered as a sacrifice. It was simply slaughtered and laid on the altar to be consumed by the fire. But in the New Testament - the New Covenant - we are living sacrifices. the trouble is, a living sacrifice can crawl off the altar when it gets too hot. God could have preprogrammed us as robots who serve Him without choice, but instead He has given us the ability to choose.

The more I walk with the Lord, the more I understand that every day of my life, for the rest of my walk on this earth, I can choose t stay on the altar or to crawl away. When the heat is turned up, I can crawl off and say, "Well, this is not what I signed up for. I thought that this would make me feel good. I thought that all my prayers would be answered, but it seems as if God has turned a deaf ear to my cry."

"Turning Point: When the heat of problems and pain burns into our very souls, we can crawl away and hide when it gets too hot, or we can choose to be living sacrifices who stay on the altar for His sake."

I can choose to believe what it seems, or believe the truth that God never leaves us or forsakes us...I can choose to walk away from the call, climb off the alter, or I can remain even though the heat is hot. The world says I can come off the alter, live a "good" life, and I will still go to heaven. That is true. I have accepted Christ as my Savior..I am sealed with the Holy Spirit..nothing can take that away....I will go to heaven. But is heaven the goal? Or is glorifying God the goal? You know, in all honesty, there have been many days this past two weeks that I can say heaven would be just fine with me! I know I am sealed! Now lets have fun!!!! But I also know that the second I walk in disobedience, there will be a God given sorrow that will put a wedge in my relationship with Him. The first time I went through a major crisis of belief after I came home from Sierra Leone without Eden, I knew that this closeness with God, this intimate relationship with Him, is what I want most out of life. So I look at that spiritual marker, that "stone of remembrance" and know I have to press on! Walking away, crawling off the altar is not a choice. I just ask that God will give me the sanity to make it through this crisis of belief and the wisdom to know what steps to take.

And I pray that next year, at least in this battle, it will be behind us, and we will be rejoicing in what God is doing in Liberia!

Happy Birthday Toben!

Today is my precious baby boy's birthday! He is four today. Wow, four! That is really bitter sweet. I mourn the three years I missed of his life! I wonder what he looked like as a baby? Did he sleep good? I will never regain those years....but in some way, I think God uses that to help me get just a small glimpse of what Toben mourns in leaving everything he knew to come to America and be a part of our family. It is the closest thing I will ever have to trying to relate.

This past year has been a whirlwind! So many trials and struggles...and yet Toben hasn't been any of those! He has adjusted amazingly well! He is just amazing! He is perfectly bonded, and I am getting there! His sweet smile and contagious laugh have been such a bright spot in our home...and I look forward to many more years of those!

My Precious Toben,

God is good! That is what your name means! Oh how true that is and oh how God has used you to drive home that fact! You have born way too much weight for a little boy! You carried four years of broken adoption dreams for me. Yet, you have bore them like a champ! God has used you to heal many wounds left when Eden didn't come home. You fulfilled a life-long dream of a multi-racial family! I never thought that it would be possible to forget that you are "different"...yet I find myself looking down and being shocked that a dark brown boy stands next to me! You are just my son now!

I know the years ahead may have challenges as you grow into the man God desires you to be...questions about why you are different, why you were born half a world away, why you were brought here? I don't have the answers to those, but I do know that I will be eternally grateful that God saw fit to put you here! What an awesome blessing to be your mommy!

God has big plans for you my Obie! You wear your name proudly! I pray that I will be all the mommy you need as you go through the bumps and trials of growing up in this lost world. I look forward to many more birthdays with you....celebrating the life God gave you and preserved and brought to us! May God bless you my little man! I love you!

Love,

Mommy

We will be celebrating at Chuck E. Cheese tonight with a power ranger birthday as requested! :)

My African Boy!

Today at Callie and Noah's basketball games, I ran into a friend of mine who has an amazing ministry! One day I need to share her story here! She is the mother of 7 African-American children. She is anglo. Her children were born here in the US...they are "domestic" in adoption terms.

When she came over to talk to me, her 3 year old little girl came with her. We introduced Toben and her little girl. Her little girl said, "hello", and Toben said to this precious dark brown girl sitting on her white momma's lap with the biggest grin on his face, "I am from Africa, too!"

First Sleep Over

Well, my little T-man is having his first sleepover! I guess all went well because we didn't get a phone call in the middle of the night! He announced yesterday morning that he was going to go to Nana and Granddad's house to spend the night. Shortly after that, Nana called and the arrangements were made! Noah and Ava went too!

Kind of surreal that he is not with me or John! Just under one year from his home coming and he is able to go spend the night at another house and be just fine! He has done remarkable! He is just a real trooper. We are pretty relaxed about transition stuff, and it seems to work. We could not have asked for a better bonding, attaching, transitioning time. He has not missed a beat! He fits in like he was always here! He has the appropriate reactions to fear, loss, sorrow, guilt; he is just a super kid! Man would we have missed out to not have taken this journey!

If you are reading this and thinking about adoption...let me just say that God puts that on your heart for a reason! Don't pray/think too long! Take action! It will be the hardest, but most rewarding trip you will take! Jump on the adoption roller coaster! And post a comment and let me know when you do! :)

He's official!

We got the papers in the mail yesteray! Toben is officially ours in Texas! Liberia gives a full and final adoption decree, so he was already legally ours. But in Texas, you have to do a recognition of the Liberian court decree so you can file for birth certificates, social security, etc.

It is anti-climactic, really. We didn't even have to go to court...just sign some papers, but it feels good to have the legal stuff done so he can just be Toben Petree now! Plus we got his birthdate changed to what the x-rays (and our instincts) say he is....which means he will turn four next month! He can't wait! Has no clue what being four means, but knows that birthday means presents and cake! He hasn't caught on to Christmas yet, but he can't wait for his birthday! Oh how that will change, huh?! I kind of like his innocence! We sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus" a lot around here!! He announces every time he hears the word "birthday" that he will have a Power Ranger birthday!

He has been a joy! Really, we are so blessed! As I look back over the last year and all that has happened, Toben has been a real champ! I have traveled to Liberia twice in his first year home, that would be a HUGE no-no in adoption world terms. But I serve a God that is bigger than adoption psycho babble, and he has done perfect....because you see, God knew that Toben would come to a home with a mommy that would travel internationally when He made him! So he made him with the ability to handle that! I just love that God is a God of details!

As we told him, you are now official, no sending you back! :) He just laughed! He has a great laugh!

Thank you God for my second son! Thank you that he is home this Christmas. God, you know my heart. And everytime I see my son, I see the faces of the children not home. So while I rejoice at my son being home, I ask that you bring the other sons and daughters home too! Thank you for families who haven't give up. Thank you for workers that love our children until they get to us! Thank you for sending your son....we can't wait to get our kids out of Africa and into America, yet you knowingly sent your son from heaven to earth just because of your love for us! A love I can only fathom! Thank you! What a privilege to call you Daddy!

We have to do more!

Ok, I know I have said that a thousand times, but really, WE HAVE TO DO MORE!!! I don't care how much you think you are doing right now (yes, I am telling myself the same thing) you and I have to do more! Did you know that the home country of my Addy and Eden is NUMBER ONE in the WORLD for infant and under 5 mortality? And Liberia, the home country of my son is number 3 in the WORLD!!! In Sierra Leone, 160.3 babies of every 1,000 live births die, and 278.1 children out of every 1,000 die before they reach their 5th birthday! My Addy is part of that statistic people! These are not just numbers! I have a picture of my sweet girl looking at me right now on my shelf and I have shed tears on the fresh dirt that covered her tiny body.

In Liberia, 132.5 babies out of every 1,000 live births die and 205.2 children out of every 1,000 die before they read their 5th birthday! My son came home at 3...what if he hadn't? He might have been one of these statistics!

We have a baby who was! Sweet Marion died at nine months. We don't know why? The doctors couldn't tell us. She was in the hospital, receiving fluids, antibiotics and blood, but she still died.

Watch this!


We HAVE TO DO MORE!!!

If you agree, go to our website: http://www.addyshope.com/, click on the "more than adoption" button and donate towards David's Peanut Butter Shack that we will be building next to our orphanage to give life saving vitamin enriched peanut butter paste to the malnourished children of Liberia! We are going to drop those numbers! We can make a difference! Liberia will be off the top 50 by the time we get done! I am not a name it and claim it type of person, but I know God has put this passion in me for a reason, and I refuse to stop until we have no more childrne dieing because of malnutrion or God takes me home, whichever comes first! Will you join me?