CallieAnn, my 17 year old daughter, and I were driving to the Celebration of Life service for the mother of one of CallieAnn's friends. This isn't just "some" friend, but one of her closest friends. She is one of the ones that spent enough time at our house that I consider her an honorary daughter and not just a friend of CallieAnn's. CallieAnn was making fun of me as I bawled as I drove because she had just played the new Ed Sheeran song Supermarket Flowers. If you haven't hear it, go listen! But grab the kleenex first!
It got quiet as we both reflect on where we were headed. Than CallieAnn said, "You know, we sure have had a lot of tragedy in our family!" I kind of glanced at her and said, "No, we really haven't had much tragedy at all." I mean we haven't loss many people. John's and my grandparents are really the only deaths we have faced, and they died when most of our children were not yet born and those who had been were young. But as CallieAnn clarified what she meant, I realized it wasn't tragedy that she was talking about, but trauma. We haven't had a lot of tragedy, but we have had more than our fair share of trauma...chaos.
And her next question was, "Why?" And immediately I knew the answer was obedience.
We talked for a few minutes about how we have chosen a life of obedience that has meant life was not comfortable. It really made me think about how we truly have said yes to God in so many ways that meant some sort of trauma entered out home. It has changed my children. It has exposed them to things that I know many work to shelter their children from. I have struggled from time to time knowing that our choices have brought heartache and trauma to our children that they would have avoided had we just chosen the safe path versus the obedient path.
I see so many articles on social media by well-meaning Christians warning about the "dangers" of this and the "dangers" of that. But every time I read one of those I have to ask myself, are we as Christians, charged with protecting our families? Are we supposed to view our life experiences through a lense of protection? I really don't see that to be the example we were left with in how Christ walked out His life.
He walked with the ones no one else would walk with! His followers were imprisoned for the obedience they chose. CallieAnn's question just made me ponder if in America we have chosen to value comfort over obedience. When I meet Jesus face to face, I want to be hear that I said yes when He asked not that I chose the safe path...even if it means life is not comfortable.
Showing posts with label life in Christ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life in Christ. Show all posts
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
The Next Faith Journey: God's Provision
Our mortgage company has been a NIGHTMARE, and that is putting it nicely. We have been asking for numbers, you know the approximate amount needed at closing and estimated monthly payment that you usually get, since we started the loan process back in May! We didn't get any numbers until last week.
I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!
Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!
Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!
Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!
There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!
I had to stop by John's office to pick up something I needed to take with me while headed back to West Texas with a car full of teenagers! I was taking them to Rock the Desert, and I was headed back to have a training session for new adoptive parents. When I stopped at John's office, he shared with me what he had learned that morning. We were going to be several thousand dollars short at closing. We both wrestled with fear and anxiety - and if we are honest some serious rage at not having the numbers when we asked so we could be making a plan - over closing being 7 days away, and getting this news. This is when you know you have been around a mountain enough times that you really GET a Truth - when a circumstance comes, you actually react in the Truth rather than reacting to the circumstance and then having to remind yourself of the Truth! My heart didn't race, I didn't get sweaty palms, the pit started to form in my stomach, but immediately disappeared with the thought, "God has not brought us this far to leave us. He promises to never leave or forsake us. He has made clear this is the path we are to walk. Somehow, it will work." As I drove all morning and afternoon, the enemy taunted me with all kinds of thoughts, but immediately, I would remind myself and the enemy of God's faithfulness and all the promises He had given about this move. I still had NO IDEA how this was going to work, but I would simply roll it back on God and thank Him for His provision...however it came!
Well, before the day was over, I was handed a check for a few hundred dollars over what we needed for closing! When I looked at the check, I asked the generous giver if John had talked to them or something? I was very confused. They responded just as confused with a no - they had been blessed this year and wanted to bless us! I broke into the ugly cry! Not just because of the generosity of these individuals, but the fact that their gift was the provision God already knew was on the way!!!! They even shared how they were going to give it to us at a different time, but decided to give it to me that day!
Y'all, I have seen God's faithfulness over and over in my life! I mean we fed 65 children in an orphanage for over a year with no sustainable income from the program! I "get" miraculous provision....but I have never had the "here is the check" experience! I have heard the stories of God providing mysterious checks in the mail for the needed amount for other people, but I had never experienced that. It was so surreal! As I kept staring at the check, I was reminded also that when God provides, it is more than we could hope or imagine! That number that had looked so big and insurmountable a few hours ago, was now provided for plus more!
Here is what I hope encourages those reading who also need provision, God is no respecter of persons - what he does for one, he does for anyone. I have been the one reading stories like this and thinking, "yes, you did it for them, but not me." So if that was your thought while reading, let me tell you, He has a provision for you also! What I know is that on this journey, we have walked unwavering in our trust and faith like we have never done before! I have to believe that has something to do with the way God has provided. We have truly trusted - not being tossed about or double minded. I can tell you that is not usually how I walk these journeys! I usually go back and forth between trust and despair in these situations in 0-60 seconds!
There are things still trying to rob our joy and shake our confidence in this move - like closing maybe being postponed because our loan won't be ready....but God has been so faithful and provided amazing sellers for us to work with that answers come just almost immediately to the barriers! This has truly been a spiritual journey that will forever be a stone of remembrance in my spiritual life! I don't want to go back to that double minded person! And I want to encourage you if you are on the fence, God is trustworthy! Take the leap! Free fall into His plan....you will not regret it!
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
I said I would never home school.....
So I have learned to never say never! After my last endeavor at home schooling (CallieAnn home schooled the last half of 6th grade and Paizley home schooled her sophomore year), I said I did not ever want to do that again...unless...it was in the best interest of one of our kids.
CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.
CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.
So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.
It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!
So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.
We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!
"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4
CallieAnn started asking us last year if she could graduate early. She has enjoyed high school, but she believes she has heard God clearly about the direction her life needs to take. When she first approached us about it, my immediate answer was, not just "no", but .....well, you get the picture! But as I thought about it, a peace would come over me at the thought of her home schooling. I knew without a doubt that peace was NOT from me! Isaiah 55 talks about being led forward in peace. So when that feeling comes over me at times that it isn't natural, it gets my attention. John and I committed to pray with CallieAnn for clear direction and wisdom.
CalliAnn has had a vision for a safe place for suicidal teens for quite some time. We have had suicide touch our lives indirectly numerous times and directly recently. Each time the call she felt on her life became a little stronger and the vision a little clearer. She already has a mission statement and name for her ministry. After a couple of months of praying about what to do next year, I asked her why do you have to do it now? You have your whole life to be an adult. Why not wait until you graduate college at 23 or 24 to start it? Her answer made me proud and sad all at once. She said to me, there are people dying who need what God has called me to do. How can I wait? How do you argue with that? How do you tell your child whom you have taught to dream big, hear God's voice and follow it that they can't obey just yet.....you don't.
So we started looking at all the options. She could stay in school and take extra classes and graduate next year. But as we looked at her degree plan, she was taking a lot of stuff that just didn't make sense and truly would not help her in her goal. The best plan seemed to be for her to home school and take dual credit college courses. This way, she can focus on the courses that will help equip her for the calling she believes God has on her life.
It has been a decision we have wrestled with. I can list as many cons as I can pros about the path we decided to take. There is a part of me as a mom that fears she will regret giving up the "high school" experience. But as a person who struggled through that high school experience, I can appreciate that it is not all it's cracked up to be for all people. And at the end of the day, it came down to trusting that my daughter who has the same Holy Spirit as a Counselor as I do heard His voice and said YES to His call! If I am going to err, I want to err on the side of stoking the fire and fanning the flame within my children to hear God's voice and follow it, and not throwing water on what God has lit!
So today, her daddy took her and registered her for college courses! I am really not sure how my baby girl became old enough to even talk about college! But truly, I could not be more proud of her decision. The last couple of weeks I have seen her wrestle with that point where the rubber meets the road in an act of obedience. She is confident in her decision, and yet she wrestles with what she is also sacrificing to follow God's call.
We have been and will be very careful to not "pigeon hole" her into this for eternity! Obviously, as she matures, seeks wisdom and gains understanding, the direction may differ or take a different course all together. But for now, I could not be a prouder momma than to watch my daughter love the Lord and work to follow His call on her life! Fly Baby Girl, Fly! There is no limit as long as God is the one giving you the wind beneath your wings!
"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" ~3 John 4
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Hi, My name is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary....
Hi, my names is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary! So what that really means in my world is that I can dream great big huge dreams, but I have a really difficult time getting from here to there! If you need faith to believe something can happen, then I am your girl! If you need an action plan to get there, well, you're out of luck here.
I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.
We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.
While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly. But this year I am trying a new thing. If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!
Here are the links to her blog posts!
Smart Approach to Goal Setting
The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning
I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.
We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.
While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly. But this year I am trying a new thing. If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!
Here are the links to her blog posts!
Smart Approach to Goal Setting
The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
He Just Wants Your Yes
God keeps taking back to the first few chapters in Matthew during my time with Him in the mornings. I was reading in chapter 3 this week after a few weeks of really hard life that has left me feeling like a failure at pretty much everything God has asked me to do....at the top of that list would be parenting 9 children! I thought about all the comments I have received, and I know others who adopt have also, about people who say, "I've thought about it, but...." And this principle can be added to any calling God has on your life or tug He puts on your heart for any area of service or action He is calling you to. So many times we don't do _________ (you fill in the blank) because we are afraid we will fail! As I was reading in Matthew 3, I came to verses 16 & 17 that say, "At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.'"
Now I know that verse having grown up in church! But I could have sworn that verse happened at the cross when Jesus had just given up everything, been beaten and died for us! But do you know where that verse is in his life? It's at his YES! It is when John the Baptist baptizes Jesus that God says he is well pleased! It's when Jesus answered the call on his life and stepped into obedience! It was BEFORE any miracle he would perform. It was BEFORE any people he would speak to that shook social norms. Can I tell you how much that encourages me?! So many times over the last few months I have thought for sure God over estimated my abilities as I have juggled all that I know he has called me to. I have felt like a failure in most of those areas time and time again even becoming angry with God for asking me to carry this load that was obviously too much for me to carry. (Let me insert here that I know that last statement is theologically inaccurate and a lie from the pit of hell! But it was how I "felt". Feelings are so fickle!) But when I read this verse, I was so excited that God was pleased with me just because I said YES when he called! When he said to start an agency almost 11 years ago, I said yes even though I was scared and had no idea what I was doing. He was pleased with my yes every time I missed the mark in that calling because I was learning by the school of hard knocks! He was pleased with my YES when he asked us to birth and adopt each child that we now call ours even though there have been many days I did not represent Him well to those children. He is pleased with us when we simply yield ourselves to His will....it's not our big actions and miracles that get this response, it is our obedience and yielded spirit to Him and what He is calling us to!
So if you are like me and have felt like you missed the mark, know that God is so pleased with your yes! And if you are thinking about a call that God has placed on your life, but you are just not sure you have what it takes, go ahead and say YES! God isn't asking you to have all the answers! He is only asking you to have one answer....YES!
Now I know that verse having grown up in church! But I could have sworn that verse happened at the cross when Jesus had just given up everything, been beaten and died for us! But do you know where that verse is in his life? It's at his YES! It is when John the Baptist baptizes Jesus that God says he is well pleased! It's when Jesus answered the call on his life and stepped into obedience! It was BEFORE any miracle he would perform. It was BEFORE any people he would speak to that shook social norms. Can I tell you how much that encourages me?! So many times over the last few months I have thought for sure God over estimated my abilities as I have juggled all that I know he has called me to. I have felt like a failure in most of those areas time and time again even becoming angry with God for asking me to carry this load that was obviously too much for me to carry. (Let me insert here that I know that last statement is theologically inaccurate and a lie from the pit of hell! But it was how I "felt". Feelings are so fickle!) But when I read this verse, I was so excited that God was pleased with me just because I said YES when he called! When he said to start an agency almost 11 years ago, I said yes even though I was scared and had no idea what I was doing. He was pleased with my yes every time I missed the mark in that calling because I was learning by the school of hard knocks! He was pleased with my YES when he asked us to birth and adopt each child that we now call ours even though there have been many days I did not represent Him well to those children. He is pleased with us when we simply yield ourselves to His will....it's not our big actions and miracles that get this response, it is our obedience and yielded spirit to Him and what He is calling us to!
So if you are like me and have felt like you missed the mark, know that God is so pleased with your yes! And if you are thinking about a call that God has placed on your life, but you are just not sure you have what it takes, go ahead and say YES! God isn't asking you to have all the answers! He is only asking you to have one answer....YES!
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Walking Through the Crashing Waves
We just returned home from a week at the beach! It was a much needed vacation....although I have discovered with 10 children, four of whom are 5 and under, even a vacation is not really a vacation for the parents. But all the same, it was a wonderful break from the every day demands of work and home! It was good to focus on family, and to have time to just sit and listen to the waves....and to the still, small voice of my Savior!
School doesn't start for another three weeks, but our "fall" is gearing up already this week! Callie starts band camp for color guard, Toben and Ava have some prep classes for the coming year that finish this week, Toben starts football next weekend, Noah starts in two weeks, and school supply shopping has already begun! And the agency is busier than it has ever been with tons of work demands waiting for me first thing Monday morning.
It's all very exciting stuff! But honestly, it is all very overwhelming for a girl who just wanted to be a stay at home mom of not quite this many children! Don't get me wrong, I love every single one of my children and am so grateful for them, as I am my job! But all together, all of it is....well....a lot! Add to that the things God has placed on my heart for the agency, and the waves just seem to be crashing over my head! So how exactly am I going to do it all? I know God has called me to be a mom to all of these 9 children, and I know He has called me to this work in adoption. But I don't always know how I am going to walk through the waters that both of those callings place me in at times. When the demands hit, it feels like the waves are knocking me down and pushing me under....but God knew I would feel this way as I geared up for the coming days, weeks and months! And as He is so faithful to do, He spoke to me about it before I even knew I needed to hear it!
One of Ava's struggles with her disorder (no, we still do not know what it is! But should have more testing soon that will hopefully give more definitive answers!) is that she has very weak muscle tone. She also has very little core strength making balance a real challenge. So when she would want to go out in the waves with us to ride her boogie-board, it was a real struggle to get out far enough for the waves to be big enough to carry her. On one of the trips out with her, I told her to get behind me and hold onto my waist. My body would break the wave for her taking less of a toll on her body, and her hanging onto me would help her balance in the unsteady waters. As I crashed into the waves with her behind me, I heard God say, "this is how you will do it too! I know I am asking you to go into deep waters that feel like they are knocking you over as the waves crash around you, but if you will follow me - don't get ahead or too far behind, but follow me just as I instruct- I will break the waves for you and make a path for you to walk steadily just as you are for Ava."
Can I tell you how comforting that is?! As I face Monday morning, there are so many heavy burdens that threaten to overcome me from personal, to family, to ministry! But as I think back on that moment, I feel the same excitement Ava did about riding the boogie-board even though it meant getting through the crashing waves first! Those words have given me a renewed desire to press in even closer to my Abba Father and walk where His feet walk as I try to walk in obedience to what He has called me to!
So whatever God is calling you to do, can I encourage you? Just step out and do it! He will either calm the waters all together or break the waves for you as you walk with Him! I love my Jesus! Life with Him is always an adventure!
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. ~ Psalm 138:7
School doesn't start for another three weeks, but our "fall" is gearing up already this week! Callie starts band camp for color guard, Toben and Ava have some prep classes for the coming year that finish this week, Toben starts football next weekend, Noah starts in two weeks, and school supply shopping has already begun! And the agency is busier than it has ever been with tons of work demands waiting for me first thing Monday morning.
It's all very exciting stuff! But honestly, it is all very overwhelming for a girl who just wanted to be a stay at home mom of not quite this many children! Don't get me wrong, I love every single one of my children and am so grateful for them, as I am my job! But all together, all of it is....well....a lot! Add to that the things God has placed on my heart for the agency, and the waves just seem to be crashing over my head! So how exactly am I going to do it all? I know God has called me to be a mom to all of these 9 children, and I know He has called me to this work in adoption. But I don't always know how I am going to walk through the waters that both of those callings place me in at times. When the demands hit, it feels like the waves are knocking me down and pushing me under....but God knew I would feel this way as I geared up for the coming days, weeks and months! And as He is so faithful to do, He spoke to me about it before I even knew I needed to hear it!
One of Ava's struggles with her disorder (no, we still do not know what it is! But should have more testing soon that will hopefully give more definitive answers!) is that she has very weak muscle tone. She also has very little core strength making balance a real challenge. So when she would want to go out in the waves with us to ride her boogie-board, it was a real struggle to get out far enough for the waves to be big enough to carry her. On one of the trips out with her, I told her to get behind me and hold onto my waist. My body would break the wave for her taking less of a toll on her body, and her hanging onto me would help her balance in the unsteady waters. As I crashed into the waves with her behind me, I heard God say, "this is how you will do it too! I know I am asking you to go into deep waters that feel like they are knocking you over as the waves crash around you, but if you will follow me - don't get ahead or too far behind, but follow me just as I instruct- I will break the waves for you and make a path for you to walk steadily just as you are for Ava."
Can I tell you how comforting that is?! As I face Monday morning, there are so many heavy burdens that threaten to overcome me from personal, to family, to ministry! But as I think back on that moment, I feel the same excitement Ava did about riding the boogie-board even though it meant getting through the crashing waves first! Those words have given me a renewed desire to press in even closer to my Abba Father and walk where His feet walk as I try to walk in obedience to what He has called me to!
So whatever God is calling you to do, can I encourage you? Just step out and do it! He will either calm the waters all together or break the waves for you as you walk with Him! I love my Jesus! Life with Him is always an adventure!
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. ~ Psalm 138:7
Friday, July 3, 2015
Trust Without Borders: When You Start to Sink
There is an amazing song by Hillsong that has been popular now for a year or more. It goes like this:
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
We heard Him call us out upon the waters! Two years ago today, we received a phone call that would forever change the course of our family. Our daughter was leaving our grandchildren, then 3 weeks and 11 months old, with John's parents and returning to an abusive relationship. CPS would be taking the children into custody the following Monday (it was a Wednesday & everything was shutting down for the July 4th holiday). John and I had just talked the night before about "what ifs". We both agreed that bringing these two babies into our home would require drastic sacrifice for our other 6 children. Children who had already sacrificed much over the last two years as we had navigated life while adding three children and two grand-babies to our family! I already felt maxed out in every way - physically, emotionally and spiritually - & I knew they felt much the same. How in the world would I parent two more infants? How would we pay for two more children in diapers and still on formula?
But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak. He illuminated every single step we were to take! We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have. We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.
On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem. It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!
You know when you take a huge leap of faith, there is a period of exhilaration that fuels you! Kind of like the adrenaline rush. We had heard God and obeyed! It was fun trying to navigate our new life. The older kids were excited about having the babies and helped out tremendously! We would keep sippee cup and diaper counts for each day just for fun....it was a ridiculous number for both! Life seemed very surreal! Friends brought donations by the car load...literally! We were blessed beyond anything we could have hoped or imagined. We were walking on water.
When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term. We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter. We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.
But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in. We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were. The trauma in her life was extensive. She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake. Most of the time she was inconsolable. She would cry when you picked her up. She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning. So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months. John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under. Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!
It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life. As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years. God called me out up on the great unknown. He asked us to trust Him, and we did.
So, what happened?!
Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day. All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.
You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night. And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh. We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm. We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.
You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.
What do you do then? You refocus. You reclaim. You recommit. Some days, I still go under water. But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!
When you start to sink, you also remember. You remember that this is a season! As we went to our small community's 4th of July celebration yesterday, we laughed. We haven't done that as a family much the last few years. We recalled last year's celebration when there were screams through most of it. Which was pretty well our norm. But this year, there were less screams and more giggles. And next year, there will be even fewer screams and even more giggles...because this is a season! And because healing is occurring...for all of us!
As I start to find myself keeping my head above the water more and more, I think we will live again. I am taking back the joy that is mine in Christ...even with a life that requires more than I think I have to give most days. And on the days when I think it's "unfair" that He called me to this life, He gently reminds me that He gave his life for me, what then could be too much of him to ask? And He reminds me that my treasures are in heaven and not here on earth. And I start to look around and see all that I have to be thankful for even in the midst of the chaos! I celebrate the small victories...like all of the kids were dressed in actual 4th of July clothes! As silly as that sounds, it is a sign to me that I am beginning to be able to do the things that bring me joy in my life! Those little things have been beyond reach the last two years with all that just the daily tasks of life demanded.
Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
 |
| The big girl in this picture, well she is amazing! |
But as soon as the call came in, God began to speak. He illuminated every single step we were to take! We learned we had legal rights that we had no idea we had...in fact had previously been told we did not have. We heard God say, "Come to Me! Trust Me! Get out of the boat and walk this with me!" So we stepped out of the boat....onto the waters.
On July 5, a judge granted us temporary custody of our grand babies and we went from 6 children at home to 8! The ages were 13, almost 12, 8, 7, 3, just turned 2, 11 months, and 3 weeks! It really wasn't the "8" that was the problem. It was the 3, 2, 11 months and 3 weeks that was a struggle!
 |
| The big boy in this picture, well he is amazing! |
When we agreed to pursue custody, we never intended for it to be long term. We fully believed that we would have them 6 months probably, a year at the maximum and they would go back to our daughter. We believed it would be a wake-up call, and things would improve so that there was a safe environment for the children to return.
But days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months. God would call us to keep expanding our trust borders even more and move 5 hours away from all support systems just one month after the babies moved in. We had not been part of Ella's life for the first year, so she had no idea who we were. The trauma in her life was extensive. She pretty well screamed the majority of the time she was awake. Most of the time she was inconsolable. She would cry when you picked her up. She would cry when you put her down. The first sell of our house would fall through, but we moved anyway because John had a start date and the school year was beginning. So we moved with all the expenses that come with that (and in education, you don't get moving expenses), and we had to maintain two house payments for a couple of months. John went to work, the older kids went to school, and I was left in a new house full of unpacked boxes, not knowing a single living soul, with four kids ages three and under. Did you know you can't even go to the grocery store with that many small children as there is no where to put them all?!
It would begin what has become one of the darkest seasons of my life. As I heard Oceans by Hillsong, the other day, I was struck by the lyrics as I reflected on the last two years. God called me out up on the great unknown. He asked us to trust Him, and we did.
So, what happened?!
Just like Peter, in those moments where we sank, I had taken my eyes off my Savior! The enemy had successfully stolen my joy and my abundant life making me angry and bitter with God for asking us to do something that was so hard, that literally took all I had every. single. day. All I could think of was what my life would be like if we had not said yes to getting out of that boat.
You see, we had said yes to a life that required God's super on our natural to make it from morning to night. And then, along the way, we had believed enough lies of the enemy that we began walking in the flesh. We started looking around at the waves instead of focusing on the One who calms the storm. We started letting circumstances be our guide instead of the faith that is sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...the faith that it required to get out of the boat in the first place.
You can't say yes in faith and then remove your eyes from the Author and Perfector of your faith! You. Will. Sink.
What do you do then? You refocus. You reclaim. You recommit. Some days, I still go under water. But those are usually the days that I hit snooze instead of getting out of bed and getting in the Word!
 |
| Last y ear! |
 |
| This year~ (The Sun was bright! :) ) |
Despite nearly drowning many times over the past two years, I am so thankfully when that call came in, we stepped out of the boat! It has forever changed me....and the little people that I call mine!
 |
| Just because she is so beautiful! |
 |
| Just because he is so handsome! |
Monday, May 18, 2015
He Will Not Leave You As Orphans
Yesterday was one of the best days in the life of a mother! I watched as John baptized our son Toben Obadiah. Toben accepted Christ as his savior a couple months ago, but I was not here. John was the one who had the privileged of having that conversation with him! So it was a special day to watch the symbolic act of my son being buried with Christ and raise to walk as a new man in his identity in Christ!
The biggest lesson I learned from our loss of our first baby to a miscarriage is that my children are not mine. I had no idea all that being a mother would take me through on that day in January almost 17 years ago, but I knew that children were God's. He would give them to us for the time He needed for His purposes in His kingdom! That lesson has been reinforced time and time again...and I was reminded of it again yesterday as I watched my son, born in Liberia half a world away, come up out of that water as a follower of Jesus Christ!
Obviously, this is a huge deal for any of my children! But when one of our kiddos that God placed in our family through adoption makes their profession of faith, it is such a huge reminder of the call on the lives of God's people for adoption. As I watched yesterday, I thought of his first mother who I owe everything! I wished I could pick up the phone and call her or text her pictures of our boy so she could rejoice with us that our son had given his life to Jesus! But I also thought of the hard days. I thought of the ten days we waited in Liberia because the enemy tried to keep our son from the destiny God had for him. I rejoiced once again as the enemy was defeated as Toben raised up out of the water a new creation in Christ! See, I know without a doubt, adoption is about new life. It's about new identities. It is what our adoption in Christ means, and it is what the adoption of my children in the natural means!
I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season. But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!
"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18
I desperately needed that reminder yesterday! It's been a hard season. But as I watched my son demonstrate his commitment to make Jesus Lord of his life, I was encouraged and renewed in my commitment to hand over my life - daily - to my Lord and Savior!
"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." John 14:18
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