10 years ago....

Ten years ago today, heaven gained a precious angel!  Our Addy went home to be with Jesus.  I remember the phone call like it was yesterday.  We had just gotten home from watching the Watoto Children's Choir perform in Midland.  Callie and Noah were so excited because it was the first time they really had a reference for who their new sisters were going to be! We were full of joy and hope as we talked about their new sisters, our daughters who would be coming home in a few months.

When we got home, there was a message from our adoption agency.  That in and of itself was a red flag.  They rarely returned phone calls or e-mails, so a call out of the clear blue telling us to call her was a sure thing something was wrong.  You know how your mind immediately starts playing through the scenarios of what it could be....she couldn't find our documents we mailed her?...there was a mistake in some of the paperwork?...there were going to be more fees?...I was still very naive about adoption, especially international adoption. I knew by the tone of her voice it was probably more serious than paperwork, but nothing prepared me for the news that was about to be delivered.  John made the phone call.  John always paces when he talks on the phone...but this time I followed him trying to make sense of the one side of the conversation I was hearing.  I wasn't getting much from "aha" and "yes" and "ok".  Then he goes out the backdoor and puts his foot on it so that I couldn't come out.  Then I knew something serious was happening.  I am sure it wasn't more than 5 or maybe 10 minutes...but it seemed like an eternity.  I watched him through the glass door.  Finally he took the phone from his ear and turned toward me.  When our eyes met, I knew whatever it was, it was serious.

He walked in the door and said, "Addy died."  I am not sure how long I stood there.  I heard the words, but I couldn't make sense of them in my mind.  I asked him to say it again.  The details were still sketchy, but from what we could piece together, she had contracted cholera from contaminated drinking water.  She had died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.  I was numb.  I needed answers.  I went to my computer and looked up Cholera.  The words I read just brought anger! I had no idea what Cholera was...all she needed was an iv and an antibiotic.  That's it.  The lack of availability of those two simple medical provisions that I always took for granite was all that stood between life and death of my little girl.

I know it may seem impossible to be that emotionally invested or tied to a child you have only seen in a picture.  And maybe it should be.  But for anyone who has adopted, you know that the picture comes to life when God says, "She's yours, go get her!"  I have not lost a child to death who has lived in my home, but I can tell you my mamma heart broke that day.  First in grief and then in anger.  I was mad at God.  Why would you introduce us to them only months earlier, call me to be her mamma and then take her from me?  Why are children dying of the denial of things that are common place in my country?  How are children dying from contaminated water in this day and age? My heart broke for Eden who had just lost her twin...her only sibling from a mother who had died (or so we were told)!

It was her death and the sorting through it over the coming weeks that God would use to call John and I to found Addy's Hope Adoption Agency!  We had no idea what we were doing, and truly, that is a huge understatement!  We honestly just said, "Yes!"  God has done the rest.  We are truly an example of God using a "yes" because that was really all we had to offer in this area.  I didn't know the slightest thing about running any business, much less a ministry.  I sure didn't know the legal ins and outs of processing an adoption.  But we said, "Yes!"

We could have never known what that yes would mean, and how God would use the life and death of one precious little girl to impact lives in a ripple that still has not stopped.  There are 39 children, including our own son, who are no longer orphans in Liberian and Guatemala, but are in loving, Christian homes learning about the Savior who offers them eternal life!  There are two children who are no longer orphans in the foster system, and three more about to be placed in their forever home with two other families waiting for the 5 children combined that they hope to adopt...and 5 more families who are in different parts of the training process in order to bring even more of God's children home!

I still feel most days like I am ill equipped and unable to do all that this ministry demands.  And the fact is, outside of the anointing and direction of the Holy Spirit, I am! But today as I reflect on a life that seemed to be snuffed out way to quickly, there are some things that I know.  While the remembrance still brings tears, I have learned that God is faithful even when He seems to be absent.  I have learned that trusting that I hear Him and trusting that He is leading me will take me to places I could have never gone on my own.  I have learned that there are times when following God will bring heart ache beyond what I could ever imagine, but even in the heart ache, He is there.  He is faithful.  He is worthy.

So today as I remember a little girl I never held in my arms, but will forever hold in my heart and who lives on in the lives of every child touched through Addy's Hope Adoption Agency, I choose to not just morn her death, but celebrate her life! Addy Girl, you inspired me to follow God on a journey that has been far beyond all I could have hoped or imagined!  You stand as a reminder that we, the Body of Christ, have an obligation to those who are less fortunate.  You remind me that only by the grace of God was I born in a country where clean drinking water and medical care is available to all.  You remind me that the battle for children is worth it!  Baby girl, I can't wait to hold you in heaven...until then keep dancing with Jesus!

Mother's Day Reflections: Mourning to Dancing

I haven't really had time to stop and think about Mother's Day.  Life is whizzing by at an alarming rate right now.  But last night during worship, I had a brief moment where I thought about Mother's Day, and I was overcome with grief.  I know, not your typical Mother's Day warm fuzzy feeling post.  Stick with me.....

We were singing an older song by Chris Tomlin - How Great Is Our God.  We sang these words

He wraps Himself in Light,

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was immediately transported in time about 9 years ago when we were in the process of fighting to bring Eden home after Addy had passed away.  I had no idea about spiritual warfare or the powers of darkness like I do now, but even in my ignorance, I knew we were fighting something very dark in the battle that raged for our daughter.

There is a line in this song that says,

 "How Great is our God, sing with me, 

How Great is our God, that all the world will see, 

How Great is our God."

Whenever we would sing that song during that time, I was always renewed in my battle for Eden. I wanted the watching world to see that God is good.  I wanted Him to see that He cares for His children! I wanted to keep fighting so that His glory could go on display when she came home and He worked all the miracles out to get her here.

Last night as I again sang, 

and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice."

I was overcome with the mourning of all the losses I have suffered in the 14 years of being a mother.  The grief brought on the sobs...the ugly cry!  Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, Addy was taken from us by a very preventable illness just months after she became my daughter in my heart even if not legally, Eden was taken from me by an agency who worked in corrupt dealings and by a Consular more concerned with the letter of the law and her power than by the spirit of the law and a child - a daughter who in three short weeks bonded with me in a way an adopted child of 4 years old doesn't usually bond in 3 years, a daughter who the last memory I have of her was as she was being ripped off my neck screaming "momma!momma!" because the helicopter that I thought was carrying me to get the little stamp that would allow her in three days to get on the helicopter with me was about to leave - we never got that stamp.  The grief of letting go of a precious little guy that we only had 4 months, knew we wouldn't get to keep him when he came, but still ripped out my heart when he was moved to another foster home an eventually back to his mother with only my prayers and seeds I pray have taken root as I prayed the Word over him as I would rock him each night.  And now that heart ache of knowing a mother's day is upon me and one of my children is out there in a very scary place and I can't fix it.  My second grand baby is due in just a few weeks, and I don't even know if we will know when he is born.  

In the seconds it took for these snapshots to flash through my mind, I glanced back at the screen and read the words again...only this time, with the anger of a hurting  mom and the questions of a daughter asking her Heavenly Father why the darkness didn't tremble at His voice and get out of the way in these situations? Why are some of the circumstances of right now that really don't seem very fair or much like God is winning happening if darkness trembles and hides at His voice?!

And in a matter of a couple of more lines, I knew! GREAT is our God! That still small whisper that I have committed to listening to more intently in 2013 and following when it is still a whisper and not waiting for the BOOM that comes when I keep "praying" because I'm just not quite sure I "heard correctly" whispered to me - 

"Darkness has fled because you are still standing! Darkness trembles because you didn't quit! Eden didn't come home, your world was tilted off it's access, but you allowed me to tilt it back upright and just two years later trusted Me enough to start the journey again bringing Toben (which means believing God is good) home! You brought a little boy into your home that you knew would leave so that you could care for him in the short time you had him, planting My seeds of hope and the Word in his spirit to be watered and germinate when I am ready.  Darkness has hid because after walking through the devastation of watching a daughter walk away with your grandbaby and still estranged as you face a Mother's Day without contact, you still make finding families for children waiting in the foster system your life's mission! The enemy tried to convince you that you should never ask a family to go through what you went through, but you trusted Me when I told you that I would preserve your calling and ministry."

And my mourning turned to dancing.  I realized that even though circumstances, the snapshots, looked grim and dark, the over all picture was one of hope and light!  It encouraged me in my circumstances right now that seem quite dim and extremely overwhelming...impossible, really!  It reminded me that GREAT is our God, and because all need to see how great He is, I have to persevere! And when you and I persevere through the pain, through the trials, through the unknown, and we do it trusting God regardless of circumstances, we show a watching world that our God IS good - not just when we get the answer to prayer we asked for - the daughter on the helicopter with you, but even when the answer is no!  I hope that encourages you today if you are struggling in an area of pain or heartache - especially as we come upon Mother's Day that is truly such a heart wrenching day for so many women....many whom I call friend! I pray those of you who have babies in Jesus' arms but none in yours find comfort this weekend! I won't try to tell you what you need to feel, just know even a mom of 7 remembers her first mother's day....just four months after losing my baby...and the pain that came with it. Just know beauty will come of these ashes!  He promises it if you trust Him! And for my friends who are "paper pregnant".....get ready!!!  Next Mother's Day, you will be having one heck of a party! Press on, moms!  Press on! Joy will come in the morning!

Was it really her?

I got a FB message yesterday.

It wasn't from an FB friend.

It was from someone who had found me.

It was from West Africa.

It was not from Liberia.

It was from Sierra Leone.

It said Eden was asking about me.

Really?

Is she really or are you just lying to me like so many from your land have done?

Did she really ask about me or are you scheming me?

If she really did, can I risk thinking she didn't?

If she really didn't, can I risk thinking she did?

Was in the car with John when I read it.

Asked what he thought.

He doubts it's her.

Wish I could leave it at that.

He asked what I thought.

What do I think?

I remember a little girl who bonded with her new mommy while the other two children who were with new mommies and daddies didn't bond at all.

I remember a little girl who broke loose from the man from her own country, the man who she knew well - she broke loose when she saw me from a distance and ran and jumped in my arms because I hadn't seen her since the night before.

I remember the little girl who was sick. Nearly a year to the day since we had buried her twin sister, Sweet Addy.

I remember that little girl not letting me put her down the last day I was with her.

She would go to no one else.

I remember the time came for me to board the helicopter.

I remember her not letting go.

I remember her starting to whimper.

I remember the whimper turning to a wail as they pried her fingers from the back of my neck.

I remember two hands with ten fingers spread wide reaching for me as I kissed her cheek and promised what I thought was a promise I would keep...I will be back in just a few days and we will go home together!

I remember running to the helicopter.

I remember looking through the tears to see hands still outstretched

I remember a mouth open in a scream, drowned by the whirl of the propellers.

I remember, does she really?

I responded.

I asked questions -

Questions to which I probably really don't want answers -

Questions whose answers I will really never know are true or more lies.

Was it really her? Is it God? He said she was coming home...that is why I fought. Of all that occurred over the course of that 2 year period, that is the remaining thing that haunts me.

I can see how Addy's death, all the heartache and bumps along the journey equipped and educated me to do what I did in Liberia -

But all that could have happened and produced the good God intended,

And she still could have come home.

But she didn't.

He said she would.

She didn't.

Will she?

Was it really her?

Together For Adoption....Eden

I have now had two days of intense information and emotional overload! I'm pooped! But I am determined to get our domestic program off the ground so we can empty the foster system in Texas, and then the whole country of children waiting for permanent adoptive homes! So I am downstairs at my hotel, drinking coffee and writing policies. But in the interest of getting home tomorrow safely, without falling asleep at the wheel, I am wrapping it up and will head to bed.

Today was emotional on several levels. One really good thing was it is the first time I haven't come to one of these and felt like I need to do more! I am in a good place there. I feel like I am totally pouring myself out for orphan care. I am an adoptive mom, a foster mom, an agency director and I am working with my church to launch an orphan care and/or adoption ministry. I have some really good ideas to take back and start working with CPS and the judge to build relationships and make a difference in my community.

But there were two really big holes in my heart today.

First, as I walked around the exhibitors, my heart broke. There were sweet African faces everywhere! But as I looked at the information, I realized there was not a single organization supporting Liberia! In a group of amazing Christians working on the global orphan crisis, Liberia wasn't represented. Why? Because they won't let people help! At least not in large quantities. They will only let the people help who will play by their corrupt rules and their unhealthy games. Saddened me greatly as Liberia used to be the hot spot for Christian activity and aid in Africa. As I walked around there were many, many ministries and organizations helping the same African countries: Uganda, Ethiopia and Rwanda. You have to ask why? Well, because those countries are open to help and willing to work with organizations to receive that help! Liberia's loss....God bring down the leaders who have turned away the help! The people of Liberia want the help! Bring it back to them when these leaders have been humbled.

The other hole came out of nowhere! It was a shock to me. They showed an adoption video of the worship pastor. He adopted from Haiti and got his precious son the day of the earthquake when families had to sit and wait all night in the Haitian airport for ICE to clear them and give them their children to bring home. As he talked about that wait, my last moments with Eden flashed in my mind. While I think of her often (her pictures are all over our house), I don't think of that part often. Pain from a deep down place surfaced yet again. I don't guess I will ever completely heal from that. Much like a parent who has lost a child to death who has lived with them. And right after Eden, comes Addy! My two girls, my twinkling twins who I will never see together this side of heaven! My sweet girl who had to be ripped off my neck, the last image I have of her as she screamed and reached back for me as I ran to the helicopter. But even as the tears flowed, I rejoiced! Why? Because for the first time since I came home without my precious Eden, I could feel the pain but not be angry with God! Praise Him! I'm too tired to think of what all the really means right now, but I continued to worship and rejoice in the fact that I am at peace with God taking me through something so painful and am thankful for the growth it brought me in my calling but even more thankful for the growth it brought me in my spiritual life. I am thankful that I can rest in and rejoice in a sovereign God who took me on a journey that has led me to where I am now...and on top of it all, the mother of 6 kids!

As I stood with my hands raised singing my praises to my Abba, I realized for the first time, maybe ever, I trust! I trust my God with my life and even more importantly, with my heart! Hallelujah!

The Journey: Baby Girl

So the journey continues! All would be proud of me as I have been to Target AND Wal-Mart and have not bought anything pink! :) I tried, but with doing Dave Ramsey and not totally sure we are getting Baby Girl, everything I put in my basket ended right back on the rack! Well, I do have one confession...I am currently winning a new baby sling on ebay! Never had one with my other kids, but also was not working! Baby Girl will hopefully love the sling and will stay nice and quiet in there while I work...I can dream for now, can't I?!

Honestly, I haven't really thought a lot about Baby Girl. Really just yesterday did I even start thinking about what would actually happen if she did come to live with us. Really not sure what to do with all the emotions and thoughts right now. So I try not to think about it too much.

Didn't have any contact with "Sally" yesterday. Talked to her some today as I am going to try to take her around town tomorrow to help with some of the steps to get Baby Girl back. We will see how that goes. Looks like I may also get to meet baby girl when I take "Sally" to her visitation. But I will also have all four of my kids with me, so will play that by ear!

Today in church was the first time that the overwhelming emotions really came! During praise and worship, we were singing a song that talks about being surrounded by God's loving arms. I lost it! Out of nowhere this wave of emotion over came me. Last night as I laid in bed trying to go to sleep, I kept asking God if I needed to put the baby bed up. I don't know what CPS would do if they came to drop her off and we didn't have a baby bed set up. It is in the attic...we can have it down and set it up in less than an hour. So more than likely between when we go to court and Baby Girl actually arrived (IF the judge decides to place her with us), we would have time to get it all set up. I knew John wouldn't be too excited about setting it up before we know for sure she is coming, but I wanted to ask God for His input.

I felt a resounding answer: set up the bed! For practical purposes, the baby bed can stay in the attic until we know for sure. However, God showed me that I wasn't putting the baby bed up because I didn't want to face an empty baby bed if His will for right now is to leave Baby Girl in the home she is currently in...if God's will for right now is for me to minister to Sally and work with her and not Baby Girl. I am really ok with that and excited to have the opportunity to work with Sally. But I also would love to know Baby Girl is in a safe Christian home...particularly, my safe, Christian home! God was telling me that I have to learn to quit stuffing all these emotions that come with the roller coaster of fostering/adoption and feel them and trust Him with them! From the time Eden didn't come home, I have really struggled with reconciling my emotions with my faith and reality and trusting God all at the same time! So I have developed this coping mechanism of just denying all feelings so I don't have to deal. Well, that only works for so long!

And God showed me last night that stuffing and pretending the emotions don't exist doesn't allow me to trust Him and rest in His love while I feel all the emotions. So when I was singing about being surrounded by God's love, the fears let lose! But it was a good release! It was so awesome to "feel" all the fears and still feel safe! In that moment, I knew that through the past 4 years since Eden didn't come home, I have learned to trust God with my heart again!

So we will put the baby bed up. Not because we have to, but because it is a physical symbol that no matter what happens, I am trusting God with my heart. Even if that baby bed is empty this time next week, I will be ok! I will be disappointed (and I'll let you in on a little secret....John said he will be too! :) )and maybe even a little sad. But I will be ok! AND it is ok to be disappointed and sad!

Tomorrow will be a long day! Finger prints in the morning, delivering documents to the fostering agency, driving Sally around wherever she needs to do for a couple of hours, then taking her to visitation. That said, I better get to bed!

Could it really happen?

So after I posted my "Dear Addy" post, I had this wild idea...one of those times that something so strange pops in your head that you think it has to be God, but also so much a desire of your heart that you are scared it is flesh??

I am headed to Liberia with Callie at the end of this month (well, if God brings the funds I will be!). Liberia is right next to Sierra Leone. What if Eden's dad brought her and they came to Liberia to see us? Then Callie could finally meet Eden whom she still calls her sister?! And I could see my precious girl again! Is that weird? Would it do more harm? Am I just being selfish? How would Callie really handle actually meeting her? Would it work?

I don't know, but man it has me excited thinking about!

Processing....

Well, I am trying to process my new perspective. Yesterday we had a really important meeting that I will blog about later. But the outcome of the topic of this meeting has the potential to be life changing for me and literally millions of other. When faced with situations like this, I am always taken back to my stones of remembrance. Now stones of remembrance are supposed to be those things that remind you of the provision and faithfulness of God.

"Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." ~Joshua 4:5-8

Well, I have always struggled a little with that. I definitely have stone's of remembrance that show God's power and provision...the agency right now is a HUGE one! He has provided what we need financially to keep running during this hard time. I have no idea how! The money is just there. Its not always there right when I think we need it (like right now when salaries and rent need to be payed and we have enough to do neither!), but somehow by the end of the month we are able to feed the kids, pay our salaries and rent. Thank you, God! Then there is my marriage that has been through more battles than the civil war! But we are still together! God has saved my marriage to John. Thank you again, God! Noah's adoption is a huge stone of remembrance! It was really the first real faith step I had ever taken, at least knowingly taken! I knew all the risks, it wasn't what I would have chosen to do, but we did it because God made it cleat it was His will, and every little detail worked out.

But there are several BIG things that haven't worked out so well. One of the biggies is Eden and Addy's adoption. Did beauty come from the ashes? Definitely! And I can see that. But I still struggle with the fact that when I sat on the side of my bed in month 8 or 9 of the process with a death certificate that had Eden's mom dying before she was born, I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel. Not because I didn't want Eden, but because I knew that something smelled fishy (there were many more things than just the death certificate!). But right there, on the edge of my bed, God took me to a Psalms (I don't remember which one now) and I clearly heard Him say that Eden is coming home and you can't stop! It wasn't just "don't stop", it was, "she is coming home and don't stop!" Well, she didn't come home. So why didn't He let me stop?

I know that I will never know all the answers because God is the only one that knows all the answers. And the way I dealt and went on with that huge disappointment was, "Well, God is God. He is in control, I am not. And I just have to accept that." While that is true, the attitude that began to build with that was not true. That was the beginning of where I am today that when faith journeys don't turn out well, I see God as a tyrant up on His throne just messing with my life and causing me pain because He is more concerned with the bigger picture than with my personal pain. I took a self-sacrifice view. I have to be willing to sacrifice myself for the common good because God is way more concerned with the common good than with me. It also made me pass up any promise in God's word. I know I can believe the Bible, but it just doesn't seem that all His promises are true. For example, He says that we don't have to worry about what we eat or drink because He takes care of even the birds of the air. Matthew 6:26 (looking this up to make sure I have theology right here!) Well, tell that to the starving people of developing nations. Where is God's promise for them? I don't have that answer!

BUT, what God showed me yesterday, that is going to be life changing when I can fully soak it in is that He wasn't sitting on His throan just saying, "Sorry that is what has to happen for my grander plan! I know you hurt, but it is worth it, trust me." He is right beside me, crying with me, hurting with me, disappointed with me. He reminded me that men have free will. He reminded me that I live in a fallen, broken world! You see the agency that I was working with had choices when they processed Eden's case. They chose to do things the "easy" way instead of the right way, so she didn't get to come home. That broke God's heart! Wow! I NEVER thought of it that way! I know, I'm dense! But truly, that never occurred to me. Could God have changed it? Yes! He can do whatever He wants. Why didn't He? I don't know. The balance between God's plans and free will remains a mystery to me, and probably will until I die! But being the analytical person I am, I needed to realize the truth that when God's design doesn't work out, He is heart broken! When the church hurt John and I, God didn't intend for that to happen...He used it to move us to where we are now, but He could do that another way...when that happened, He hurt too! He was disappointed that His children had hurt each other!

I think of the people in Liberia that God has given me a passion for. Not just the children, but the oppressed people who remain in poverty while leaders send their families and money to America to enjoy all the benefits we have here while there villages don't even have water or restrooms! It makes me angry. I believe it is a righteous anger. I asked God yesterday, "Why do you allow this?" The answer: Free Will! Those leaders are making a choice to rule that way...and it breaks God's heart! That is why He is sending people like Addy's Hope and thousands of others to be the voice for these people! He hasn't forgotten them! He is just having to try and clean up the mess left by human free will! Could He just snap His fingers and fix it? YES! Why doesn't He? You will have to ask Him that! But the new realization about this for me is that He hurts with them! For whatever reason He allows it, He is not void of emotion as He looks at the state of His children. He is deeply grieved and hurting with those of us who call ourselves His children!

Still processing it all, but this is just a huge revelation for me! It takes away some of my anger and frustration with God! It shows me that I can hurt with Him, coming into deeper communion with Him as Kay Warren said instead of seeing Him as a Daddy who would sacrifice me for the rest of the children giving me a feeling that I am really not important to Him.

I am important to Him, and so are you! Whatever you are going through right now, God is hurting with you!

Can't wait to see what else God shows me about this! I truly think this will be life changing for me as I seek to know Him more and walk fully in His promises!

We have to do more!

Ok, I know I have said that a thousand times, but really, WE HAVE TO DO MORE!!! I don't care how much you think you are doing right now (yes, I am telling myself the same thing) you and I have to do more! Did you know that the home country of my Addy and Eden is NUMBER ONE in the WORLD for infant and under 5 mortality? And Liberia, the home country of my son is number 3 in the WORLD!!! In Sierra Leone, 160.3 babies of every 1,000 live births die, and 278.1 children out of every 1,000 die before they reach their 5th birthday! My Addy is part of that statistic people! These are not just numbers! I have a picture of my sweet girl looking at me right now on my shelf and I have shed tears on the fresh dirt that covered her tiny body.

In Liberia, 132.5 babies out of every 1,000 live births die and 205.2 children out of every 1,000 die before they read their 5th birthday! My son came home at 3...what if he hadn't? He might have been one of these statistics!

We have a baby who was! Sweet Marion died at nine months. We don't know why? The doctors couldn't tell us. She was in the hospital, receiving fluids, antibiotics and blood, but she still died.

Watch this!


We HAVE TO DO MORE!!!

If you agree, go to our website: http://www.addyshope.com/, click on the "more than adoption" button and donate towards David's Peanut Butter Shack that we will be building next to our orphanage to give life saving vitamin enriched peanut butter paste to the malnourished children of Liberia! We are going to drop those numbers! We can make a difference! Liberia will be off the top 50 by the time we get done! I am not a name it and claim it type of person, but I know God has put this passion in me for a reason, and I refuse to stop until we have no more childrne dieing because of malnutrion or God takes me home, whichever comes first! Will you join me?

What do you want from me, God?

I know scripture says that I have the mind of Christ, but many times I think my brain is short circuting if that is the case! This morning is one of those times that I want to get on my roof and shout at the heavans, "What do you want from me, God?!"

I got an e-mail last week from Sheku, the contact that informs us about Eden and has sent pictures from time to time. I just kind of read it and pretended like I hadn't. I tend to deal with stuff right now by ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist! But with my friend waiting on her investigation outcome in SL and all our adoptive families waiting to hear about court decrees, my mind goes frequently to my little girl in SL. My heart almost can't handle thinking of her. I wonder if God is preparing a way for her to come home to us after all these years....but then I wonder if I can really handle child number 5 being a 6 year old from another culture who doesn't speak my language! Can my current children handle that disruption also? I know if God says "do it", those other questions don't matter, He will supply all our needs! But is he saying "do it" or is this one of those doors that just because it is open doesn't mean we need to go through it?

It has always been very important to us that she attend school as we know that is the key to a better life for her and her future family! So we asked him to send us her tuition bill so that we can send money for he tuition to make sure she remains in school. Past that, I don't know what our role is in her life except to cover her and prayer and be open at any time for God to say, "I promised you she would come home, and NOW is the time!" But if I am honest, I have to say that I didn't sign up for a SIX year old little girl! I would have to say I don't "want" that for my life right now, but I have to be open! And I know if that is what God wants, he will change my heart, and it will be my desire too. Until that time, we wait, pray and seek wisdom to know what to do, and look at pictures of my holding a little girl that still holds a special place in my heart whether she ever has a bed under my roof or not!

Pure joy.....getting there Part Two

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" ~Romans 8:28

"The will of God does not entertain defeat. God doesn't waste any experience in our lives....Every defeat contains a treasure." ~Mary Southerland

When I read Romans 8:28 now, I realize that my definition of "good" has changed! Used to, "good" meant it worked out MY way.

After returning from Sierra Leone while struggling through my desire to just walk away from God and all He wanted from me, there was one person whom I had been corresponding with and had told me to call her to talk about what I was facing right then. I of course put off the phone call because I really didn't want to hear what she had to say. But then, after knowing I couldn't be that "beautiful woman" with out God, I decided to call her and just see what she said. This of course was also a part of my legalism. If I *did* all the right things, then I would have griping rights for being miserable. When I called her, she told me two stories. One of them I can't remember, but I do remember thinking in my head, "ya, ya, I know that! Doesn't really help me because I really don't care!" But the other one made me stop and think! She told a story of how a friend of hers felt called to go to Russia to be missionaries. This friend and her husband believed with all that was with in them that God was calling them to Russia. They were in their retirement years, so money was not readily available. They spent over a year trying to drum up support so that they could follow God's call. After a year of support letters, speaking engagements and much prayer, they still didn't have enough to go. This friend went into a depression over not being able to go to Russia. She just knew God had called them to Russia and didn't understand why He hadn't followed through with *His* plan. My friend said she asked her friend what her goal was in going to Russia. Her friend answered that she wanted to follow God, to bring Him glory, to make much of Him. Debbie asked her, then why are you so down about this situation? Did you follow God? Did you do all you could do to walk the path you heard him call you down? To which the friend answered "yes". Then Debbie asked her, then where was your hope? Where was your trust? Basically, what is your problem? Then she said something that transformed me: If you wanted to glorify God, then you did that. He is still here. He has not gone anywhere or changed just because you didn't go to Russia. He was glorified in your obedience. He is much more concerned about what is happening on the inside of you than in working out all circumstances to your liking.

That was profound for me. It made me stop in my tracks of legalistic thinking! If my goal was to glorify God in Eden's adoption, then why was I so disappointed? At some point in the journey, my goal had gone from glorifying God to just wanting Eden home. God's "good" in this journey was to transform me from the inside out. While Eden or Addy neither one came home, I was a new person! I had learned about perseverance, I had learned about the sustaining grace of God, and I had learned the US immigration law as it applied to adoption that allowed me to work in Liberia and bring home 19 children so far. Working "it" out for good according to God's purpose was to make me a new person, a person more open to hearing his voice, a person who desired His will over my own, a person who understood that He cares so much about who I am on the inside that He would take me and all those around me on a nearly two year journey that would end in what the world would call disappointment. But as my definition of good was tranformed, I knew that God truly had worked it all for good according to His purpose because He made me new!

Pure joy.....getting there

Ok, I posted a few days ago (if I was really good, I would link it here, but I haven't totally figured all that out yet!) about the pure joy scripture. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" -James 1:1-2 That post described my inability to see my current struggle, which you now know is depression, as a joy.

But over the past week, God has met me in the pit! This morning, I can say that this struggle is pure joy! Not because I love being depressed but because at the end of myself, in the bottom of the pit, there is no where to go but to the arms of my Savior, my Best Friend, my Redeemer, my Strong Tower. I am totally out of the way, and He can speak more clearly. He can whisper, and I hear Him. I am forced to be still, cease striving, sit quietly, stop spinning around, and know Him...know He is God!

One of the most profound understandings I have learned from my current pastor is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. I have known for some time that knowledge "puffs you up" (1 Cor 8:1), but wisdom is the beginning of the fear of the Lord; yet I was never really sure what was the difference. Patrick always describes it as head knowledge (knowledge) and heart knowledge (wisdom). In order for a truth to become real, to pass from your head knowledge to heart knowledge where it takes root in the inner being of your soul, where it transforms us, we must experience that truth in life. As I have walked through the past four to five months (or really the last 3 years), much of my head knowledge has become heart knowledge!

So many things that I wrestled with about walking this earth as a Christ Follower and the character of God has been revealed to me in this time in "the pit". I will try to share some of these with you over the next few days.

The first one is the understanding of "salvation".

After Eden's adoption, trust of God was my biggest issue. I had stepped out in faith. I had heard his still small voice, sacrificed "my" desires for His, and "all it got me was heartache". My husband blamed me for the financial state we were in since our $15,000 adoption of two children (which with the tax credit would eventually be free) had turned into a $30,000+ non-adoption with no tax credit. My family who hadn't been too keen on the idea to begin with now really thought I was nuts. I had to watch my 5 year old wrestle with losing two sisters she already loved more than I ever dreamed she would (she still says we have SIX children!). I was ready to walk away from God. I actually told God I was finished. I know my salvation is sealed. I didn't do anything to earn it and I can't do anything to have it removed. So I came to the conclusion that I would live like so many Christians that I saw around me. I would walk in the security of eternal salvation, but my life here on this earth would be about me. I told myself there were no more rules. For the first time in my life (at least to my knowledge), I was open to willful sin (I know I sin daily, but I was always too scared of the wrath of my parents and then of God to "willfully" do any "big" sin!). I told myself I could leave John; I could have lipo suction and get a boob job; I could buy anything I wanted; I could find a man that made me feel good and just have an affair; I could go back to work so that we had money to do all the above. You name it, I thought it! Nothing was off limits! If I thought it would make me happy and ease the pain in my heart, I could do it! If it would "feel good", I could go for it! I was not talking to people in my life that I knew would speak truth. I didn't want to hear it! I didn't want them to tell me what I already knew (in my head only)! I was mad at God! I felt abandoned by Him. I knew the Bible said He would never leave me nor forsake me (head knowledge), but my heart was telling me that was a lie.

However, right before I left for Sierra Leone, a friend had invited me to do an on-line book club with her. The book was Captivating. They had started it while I was in Africa, but I had decided to try and catch up when I got back. John had accepted a contract to teach a week long course at his Alma matter in Dallas, so a few days after returning from Sierra Leone, I was in a hotel room in Dallas with a five year old and four year old. We spent a lot of time at the park, and they would nap in the afternoons. So this left lots of time for thinking. Something I really didn't want to do right then. But reading Captivating made me think. A lot of that book was very hard for me to read (for reasons not related to the adoption), but there was an underlying theme that kept me intrigued. There is a "beautiful woman" that is described several times in the book. As I wrestled with what would make me "happy", what I wanted out of this life (remember, no rules at this point), this "beautiful woman" is what kept coming to mind. This "beautiful woman" was described as being so confident of herself in Christ that when you talked to her, your soul could "breath". That she had such a peace about her that women were drawn to her because she was a place of rest for them. As I wrestled with my "happiness" I realized that what I wanted most in this world was to be that woman! Even with no rules, my heart's desire was to be that "beautiful woman". As soon as I realized that, a still, small voice said, "and just how are you going to be that woman with out Me?". And that started my journey back to God.