It's Saturday. Yesterday was Good Friday, and tomorrow is Easter. I don't think I have ever seen any significance in Saturday. Until today.
As I was reading through the crucifixion story this morning, a couple of versus stood out that I have never really noticed. Matthew 27:62 says "now on the next day". That would have been Saturday. Jesus' death and resurrection had been prophesied since there was a need for a Savior. The signs of the Old Testament were being fulfilled. On Friday they witnessed Jesus hung on the cross, humiliated, broken, and beaten. They watched as the mid-day sky turned pitch black, and they felt the ground quake beneath their feet as the earth shook for her King! But on Saturday, it was quiet. They were only left with the memories of yesterday and a dead Savior. Where is the hope in that? Even as they talked among themselves about all Jesus had said at the Last Supper, they had no way of knowing for sure what tomorrow would bring! I am sure they began to even doubt of the darkness was really real! "Did the earth really shake or, was I just a little woosy from standing in the sun all day?" Thomas doubted. I am sure Peter lamented his denial wishing he had a do-over. Circumstances and hard evidence left nothing but despair and mourning. On Saturday there was nothing to do but wait.
Wait for the third day....when the promise was to be fulfilled. No amount of wishing, praying, or pouring over the facts would make Sunday come sooner! All there was to do on Saturday was to wait!
That really made me think about my wait. There are SO many things I feel like I am waiting on! So many promises and dreams that I believe are from God, but circumstances just seem to leave me hopeless so many times.
As I walked through my quiet, peaceful house this evening checking on all the kids one last time before heading to bed, I felt an enormous peace rush over me as I walked down the stairs and had the realization that morning is almost here! Sunday brings the good news that He. Is. Alive.
Sunday brings the fulfillment of the prophesies and the promises...but we can't get to Sunday without Saturday.
So today, I asked God to teach me how to wait well. I don't want to passively wait for the promises and Words God has spoken to me. I don't think God expects us to just coast through life waiting for him to show up like a fairy God-Mother (no-pun intended) and grant our wishes. But I also know that when the Saturday becomes long, I become anxious, doubtful, and even sometimes bitter. So today, I am asking God to show me how to wait expectantly and with full trust in Him!
What are you waiting for? Let's wait well because..... SUNDAY IS COMING!
Showing posts with label living for Christ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living for Christ. Show all posts
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Did Mary wonder?
In my quite time this morning with the Lord, I found myself in Luke 2. Kind of took me off guard...I mean we just read this chapter around Christmas, right?! But after verse 1, God was already downloading encouragement for some current situations I find myself in.
As I kept reading, I got to the part about no room in the inn. Mary, the mother of Jesus for goodness sake, had to sleep in a stable! In keeping it real, can I just say if I was Mary, as the last Inn Keeper in Bethlehem revealed that he too was full and had no rooms for them, I would have more than likely stomped my foot and pointed my finger skyward at God and asked, "Really?! I am having YOUR Son, I have given up everything to do as You asked, and You can't even give me a room to sleep in? Do You not realize I am in labor and will most likely give birth to the Son of God in a stable?! Are You seriously not even going to give me a bed or a room to carry out what You have asked?!" I wish we knew if Mary had moments like that or not....but since we know Mary was a human (a very pregnant human I might add), I am assuming there were moments where she wondered.
As I read that and thought about some of my questions to God regarding some of my current circumstances, it brought me comfort to know that if Mary could birth the Son of God in a building meant to house animals, then I can push through some of the circumstances surrounding the things God has called me to do. It brings a little more perspective to the areas of my life that just seem crazy. The areas where I am left wondering, "If God asked me to do this, why does it look like this?!" Mary's story gives me assurance that even when I find myself in a stable, I am in the center of God's will and call! Difficult circumstances are not an indicator of being on the wrong path, and neither are ideal circumstances an indicator of being on the right path. In fact, I can testify that some of the most challenging of circumstances came when I was right in the middle of what I knew for a fact to be God's will!
So if you have been wondering why life looks like it does if God asked you to do this thing, can I encourage you this morning that if God can allow the woman He chose to birth His Son to do so in a stable, then maybe, just maybe He can ask you to do what you have been called to do in less than perfect conditions as well!
As I kept reading, I got to the part about no room in the inn. Mary, the mother of Jesus for goodness sake, had to sleep in a stable! In keeping it real, can I just say if I was Mary, as the last Inn Keeper in Bethlehem revealed that he too was full and had no rooms for them, I would have more than likely stomped my foot and pointed my finger skyward at God and asked, "Really?! I am having YOUR Son, I have given up everything to do as You asked, and You can't even give me a room to sleep in? Do You not realize I am in labor and will most likely give birth to the Son of God in a stable?! Are You seriously not even going to give me a bed or a room to carry out what You have asked?!" I wish we knew if Mary had moments like that or not....but since we know Mary was a human (a very pregnant human I might add), I am assuming there were moments where she wondered.
As I read that and thought about some of my questions to God regarding some of my current circumstances, it brought me comfort to know that if Mary could birth the Son of God in a building meant to house animals, then I can push through some of the circumstances surrounding the things God has called me to do. It brings a little more perspective to the areas of my life that just seem crazy. The areas where I am left wondering, "If God asked me to do this, why does it look like this?!" Mary's story gives me assurance that even when I find myself in a stable, I am in the center of God's will and call! Difficult circumstances are not an indicator of being on the wrong path, and neither are ideal circumstances an indicator of being on the right path. In fact, I can testify that some of the most challenging of circumstances came when I was right in the middle of what I knew for a fact to be God's will!
So if you have been wondering why life looks like it does if God asked you to do this thing, can I encourage you this morning that if God can allow the woman He chose to birth His Son to do so in a stable, then maybe, just maybe He can ask you to do what you have been called to do in less than perfect conditions as well!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I surrender....
So today was not a Hallmark movie day at the Petree house! In fact, more than once, I found myself at the end of my rope. I quit at least twice today! We are in a really rough phase with two of our kiddos from hard places. I heard at a conference last year the term "specialized parenting" to describe how you have to parent children with a history of abuse or trauma. I thought of that several times today and wondered if God realized He gave these precious ones in need of specialized parenting a pretty ordinary mother who was thinking she really can't supply all they need. So many times peole tell me, "I could never do what you do"....well, I have news for you, today, I couldn't do it either!
You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age. But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!
Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind. "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could..... Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root! But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.
The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no. We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much. We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more. We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three. We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again. We could have told God, I can't do that. And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did. However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life". And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!
You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that". Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy. I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!" But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth. His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him! That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!
What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!" Is it staying in a loveless marriage? Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system? Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago? Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!" Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?" You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him! That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here. That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there! Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children. But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me! So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?
You see, the only way I do what I do is through total surrender! Maybe you aren't suppose to parent 9 children with four of them being 4 years apart in age. But if God asked you to do it, you could do it...through surrender! Because I can't do it either...without surrender!
Having just finished the Christmas season, there were many times the thought, "if....." came into my mind. "If we didn't have 8 children at home we could...." "If we didn't have four kids who are four and under we could..." If we didn't have so many children who require specialized parenting that wears. me. out we could..... Now I know these thoughts are from the enemy and on a good day, I take them captive and shut them down before they ever take root! But on a bad day, when things have been particularly rough, I venture down that rabbit trail just a bit in my mind.
The truth is, at any point that John and I said yes to any of the children in our home, both the adopted ones and "unplanned" biological ones, we could have said no. We could have said to God, taking in a fifth child will cost us too much. We are going to stay comfortable with our four and no more. We could have said losing two from failed adoption and death is enough, we will stay content with our three. We could have said our children have suffered enough over the past year, we are not adding a newborn and 11 month old to our family so that the healing scab is ripped off and the hemorrhaging starts again. We could have told God, I can't do that. And honestly, in a couple of instances, I did. However, He would continue to speak and ask me to surrender comfort, fears, expectations, my view of a "perfect life". And in a matter of time, I would come to a place of total surrender where my true desire was to do that which He was calling me to do!
You see, when we look at people and say, "I can't do that". Maybe what we are saying is, I couldn't surrender that much. Just minutes ago, friends of mine said goodbye to their baby boy. I look at their pictures and think, "I couldn't do that!" But that baby boy and his story reached 100,000 people in the month he was on this earth. His last post included the gospel with an invitation for those who don't know Jesus to meet Him! That my friends, is faith and trust! That is surrender!
What is God asking you to do that you look at and say, "I can't do that!" Is it staying in a loveless marriage? Is it adopting a teenager from the foster system? Is it leaving a lifelong career to follow a dream He gave you years ago? Is it walking away from a friendship that is toxic? If you're answer to a decision you are wrestling with is, "I can't do that!" Then perhaps you need to revisit it and ask, "What am I not willing to surrender to do that?" You see, God asks us to give it ALL to Him! That means my "right" to have a comfortable life because we worked hard to get here. That means my right to use the bathroon without fingers under the door or "MOM!" being yelled from three different places for the 45.6 seconds I am in there! Sure my life would be easier in so many ways with less children. But I also know that every one of these children were placed here by God! And I am thankful that I didn't stop to count the cost at the moment He asked me to accept them as mine....and I am even more thankful that He didn't stop to count the cost when He sent his very own Son to the cross for me! So what do you need to surrender to turn your "can't" into a "can"?
Thursday, August 21, 2014
For Such a Time as This
The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I have found myself once again in the middle of a battle with government and bureaucracy for the welfare of children. Only this time, it's local!
It took almost two years to secure our contract with DFPS to place waiting children in adoptive homes. When I first started the process, even the DFPS contract managers told me it would be a difficult and life-draining process. They were right. But we knew God had revealed to us the orphan crisis in our own backyard for us to make a difference....not to just walk away and pretend like we didn't know. So I pressed on. We placed our first waiting children in an adoptive home in December, and they finalized last month. If all that work was done for just those two kids...it would be worth it...because every child deserves a home! But there are 13,000+ still waiting.
That's why when I was made aware of a sibling group of four kids who have had parent rights terminated for over a year with NOTHING done according to policy of CPS to try to find an adoptive home, I jumped to action. Initially just because we had an adoptive home that was open to looking at the possibility of adopting them. There is so much more to their story and the travesty of it, but that will have to be a post for another time! My efforts to find them a home were met with a huge brick wall! Texas is undergoing a foster care redesign and evidently sometime between February when I was told adoption wasn't part of it and June when I am trying to find a home for children whom the system has failed for a year now, adoption became part of it. The details are appalling and make it obvious that the issue is money and not welfare of children, but that too is a post for another day also.
I spent the better part of the next two days on the phone with officials trying to explain the issue that would severely limit the availability of adoptive homes for the 13,000+ children who are waiting. On July 3, I found myself on a phone call with a foster care redesign attorney with DFPS and a couple of other people. It became obvious that this was not going to be an issue easily fixed. I was defeated. I was left wondering where God was in all of it! I knew He had called me to this work with waiting children of Texas. It's my passion, it's become the focus of my life's calling to care for the orphan. But I truly didn't think I could fight not one more battle in the war for these kids. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually spent with the demands of that battle, the cases I still had to work with Addy's Hope, and the job to be wife to John and mom to 9. I leaned over my kitchen counter and just sobbed!
"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul! I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events. What are you asking me to do now? What more do you want from me?
"What do you want from me, GOD?!" I screamed from the deepest part of my soul! I have fought this battle before in Liberia. I had to walk away from that one without success leaving children and families broken in the wake of those events. What are you asking me to do now? What more do you want from me?
I knew I had to have a break at the very least. So I determined to not work for the 4th of July weekend and take that time to enjoy my family. I spent most of that weekend trying to figure out how to shut Addy's Hope down. I truly didn't know how I could continue to work passionately for children to keep hitting government bureaucracy that stood between them and forever families. It was one thing to deal with that in a third world country half way around the world, but to once again be face to face with this monster in my own country, in my own state in a "civilized" society was more then I felt I could continue to battle. But come Monday morning, God was waiting for me when I got still and started my quiet time with Him.
I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37. I had turned there that morning. I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37. As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality. He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him! As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation! He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned. He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life. He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation. Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him. He gave me a choice.
We always have a choice. I know that. We can choose life, or we can choose death. We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin. But this time was not like that. This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision. He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take. He told me it would be hard, it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it. It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke. It was truly a choice. I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario. God was telling me this is truly a choice. However, there were some "buts" to that choice. It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this. It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place. So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment. It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for! But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it. Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?" He assured me the battle would be won. He had already declared it in the heavenlies. However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle. In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior. Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible. Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities! And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath." (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)
And with that, I had a decision to make.....
I had heard a couple of teachings on the dry bones coming to life in Ezekiel 37. I had turned there that morning. I started in verse 36 to try and get a little intro to what was happening in 37. As I read, I felt the despair and hopelessness of the situation melt away. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to Gideon telling him that what he saw with his eyes was not reality. He told him to tell the bones to get up...then piece by piece, the bones became an army that could fight for him! As I read, I knew God was reminding me that what I was being told by those I was talking with was the physical world, but God was telling me to speak life into the situation! He was reminding me that the true reality of what was happening was in what He had planned. He brought to mind several Words that had been shared with my be key people in my life. He showed me how they were for this time and this exact situation. Then He did something I don't know that I can ever remember Him doing in my walk with Him. He gave me a choice.
We always have a choice. I know that. We can choose life, or we can choose death. We can choose obedience, or we can choose sin. But this time was not like that. This time He spoke to me like I would one of my children who were contemplating a decision. He assured me that He knew the sacrifice this battle would take. He told me it would be hard, it will take all you have to fight it. Then He assured me that I could walk away from it. It wasn't a "you can walk away, but you will be walking in disobedience" rebuke. It was truly a choice. I felt like what I think Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. Obviously not nearly to the extent of sacrifice that Jesus had to make or the agony he felt, but a similar scenario. God was telling me this is truly a choice. However, there were some "buts" to that choice. It was a choice, "but" all the work I had done in Liberia with the government there was for such a time as this. It was a choice, "but" the working of the CPS contract and having an agency doing only adoptive placements of waiting children was for this time and place. So much of the heart ache and the walking through the valleys was for this moment. It truly felt like God was saying, "This is the moment I created you for! But I know it will cost you, and you can walk away from it. Just know that all you have suffered in walking out your faith, beliefs and passion has prepared you for this battle. Now what are you going to do?" He assured me the battle would be won. He had already declared it in the heavenlies. However, He also made clear that pulling that victory down from heaven to earth would require going to battle. In my work with Addy's Hope, I have always felt inferior. Inferior as a professional, inferior as a tiny agency, inferior in just about every way possible. Can I tell you something? God knows our insecurities! And that morning He spoke directly to mine when He said, "Do not be ashamed or timid because you are a small agency - you are David and I will give you the stones of Truth and wisdom to sleigh Goliath." (And to confirm that one of my amazing families made a reference to David and Goliath just a few days later!)
And with that, I had a decision to make.....
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
It will be enough.....
Can anyone out there relate to weariness? I know weary in this season like I have never known weary before. I thought I knew weary, but this is weary at a whole new level! John and I were talking the other day. I know the joy of the Lord is my strength. I know we are supposed to have abundant life, and I don't believe that life is one that finds us grumbling all the time and ....weary. Yet, that is exactly where I find myself most days.
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
I am doing all I know to do. I am in the Word daily, praying almost hourly, crying out to God - often even out loud - through out the day as I have feelings of being overwhelmed and feel like the water is most definitely going over my head. So then the voices start accusing me of not having joy on top of all the other accusations that they have hurled at me throughout the day!
I shared with John that right now life feels like I get up, fail at being a good mother, fail at being a good wife, leave work with a bigger to-do list than I started with despite working my tail off all day, fail at health, fail at our finances....you get the picture. Then I go to bed defeated, wake up - sometimes with a fresh outlook sometimes with just enough strength to get out of bed - and do it all over again. There are moments of joy when a baby laughs and it makes me smile, or Journey has a new word he uses in the wrong context, or I see one of the older ones nurturing a relationship with a younger sibling, or John schedules me a massage....there are moments of joy, but overall, life is just extremely weary.
So as I look at school starting and entering the fall season where our schedule becomes double and triple booked most evenings, I almost faint with fear. I have been trying to gear up. Yet, it seems God's presence has been just beyond reach the past week. So today, I just sat down and cried out for a fresh Word from Him. I just sat in my chair with my coffee...just got still before Him and asked Him to speak.
I opened my Bible, and there was a book mark that took me to Judges. And plain as day I heard in my head "Judges 6". So I turn there and start reading. God promises when we seek Him we will find Him! And today I can testify that is true!
As I began to read Judges 6, I realized it is a very familiar story. One I had actually read not that long ago after hearing a teaching on Gideon and wanting to do more study on the back story. There is a part of Gideon's story that I can so relate with! In Judges 6:13, Gideon asks the angel of the Lord, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." I have rants like that to God, John and sometimes poor intimate friends who catch me on a bad day! But God, where are the finances to provide for these children you asked me to care for? But God, if you are with us, why am I having to fight so hard to keep placing waiting children in homes? But God where is the money to pay for the adoption of these two babies? But God, where is the time to love and parent 8 children and run a ministry and fight for children? Where are all the promises you have given to me when we walked by faith?
Let me stop there and just say....every huge faith step that John and I have taken in the past almost 17 years have failed. Yes, failed. At least that is how it appears when looking at outcomes. If it didn't completely fail, then the outcome looked nothing like what we had thought it would when we stepped off that mountain into a free-fall of trust and faith into it! I can remember a few years ago when we were once again looking into the face of a huge faith journey. I just sat and cried asking God why all my "stones of remembrance" were ones of Him failing me? But as the years have passed, and as I have gotten to know my God more intimately, I no longer look back at those stones of remembrance the same way. It's true Eden and Addy didn't come home. It's true adoptions in Liberia did not open back up. It's true I am not currently in a relationship with the daughter God gave me a mother's heart for. It's true the contract that I worked three years to complete is in jeopardy after only placing 5 waiting children in forever homes. But with mature eyes, I can see that in each and every one of those circumstances, I grew closer to God. He taught me a little each time about faith and trust. He showed me a new dimension of Himself in each journey we took. And really, I think that was His goal when He asked us to take the step of faith...not the outcome we sought!
So today as I sat and reflected on my weariness and all of the promises God has given over the past couple of years that seem to be empty, I cried out for a new Word of encouragement from the One I have grown to trust and love...and truly believe is good no matter what the circumstances of my life might say.
And just like Him, in His very personal, loving and intimate nature, He answered. After Gideon's rant about "where are you", God answers him with a sentence I know I have read multiple times but never saw before this morning. The Holy Spirit highlighted it as I read this morning. It says, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" In the strength you have - soothing balm to my weary soul! God knows I am tired. God knows I end each day with just enough energy - physically, emotionally and often spiritually - to climb in bed and lay down my head. And this morning He let me know, that's enough! Whatever you have, do what I have asked with what you have....it will be enough!
What are you facing today that seems overwhelming? Are you weary or defeated? Can I encourage you to face today with what you have? Do it tired. Do it afraid. Do it broke. Do it depressed. Whatever God is asking you to do this morning, do it with what you have, and at the end of the day, it will be enough if You are trusting in Him!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
The Call that Changed our lives...one year ago
One year ago John answered a call from his dad that would set in motion a course of events that would forever change our lives. Rewind to a little less than 48 hours before the call....
We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born. We were trying to preserve relationship. We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything. We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically. We knew he was a lost soul. We knew he was doing what he had known to do. We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives. After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her. We had come to some agreements. One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.
It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings. It is the boyfriend. They are in a fight. He is telling me to come get her and the children. She wouldn't leave. I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning. If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves. After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed. Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God. We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.
It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child. We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways. However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part. There was also much emotional healing that had to occur. We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.
As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man. John left the room to make phone calls. We called two local missions. One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers. It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed. The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be. This is a mission that usually has a waiting list! But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open! However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days. Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place. And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.
But then the call came. Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call. Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call. John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back. She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand. I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next. John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3. She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody. We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.
Rewind to the night before. It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold. Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids. We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding. This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again. Surely that can't be what we are to do?! We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring. And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection. I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did. There are two ways for that to happen. You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her. Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!" I said I would never raise my grand children. I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either. I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have break. But that decision was out of my hands.
John hangs up the phone and tells me the news. What do we want to do? We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do. We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody. We agreed this was what God was asking us to do. We had no answers. We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from. All we knew was God said, go get your babies. And we did.
My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend. He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him. He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies. She nods and he starts up again.
An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned. My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers. We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there. Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies. And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect. We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old. He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight. Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother. Now she didn't have her. She didn't want to be consoled. She didn't know how to be consoled. She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth. She would scream, but wouldn't let us console. She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.
I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived. I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path. I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these. We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us. There are days I think we will never make it. But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged. It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from! And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.
So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat. As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :) ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him. I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem! I know that we are redeeming a generation! I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.
And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels! I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!
We had been walking in relationship with Paizley since a few weeks before DJ was born. We were trying to preserve relationship. We still didn't agree with most of what was happening in her life, but we were trying desperately to keep relationship over anything. We had even welcomed the boyfriend who had snuck our daughter out of her window numerous times to take her from our home, the boyfriend who had been arrested for going at John physically. We knew he was a lost soul. We knew he was doing what he had known to do. We made a decision to embrace them as a family for the sake of being in our daughter and our grandchildren's lives. After receiving a phone call that had confirmed my worst fears about the actual truth of the life my daughter and thus my grandchildren were living, I had gone to meet with her. We had come to some agreements. One of which was that if the man ever laid a hand on her again, she would call me and would make a plan for a life without him in order to protect herself and her children from any further abuse.
It wasn't even 48 hours later, 3:00 am, and my phone rings. It is the boyfriend. They are in a fight. He is telling me to come get her and the children. She wouldn't leave. I do my best to insure she and the kids were safe until I could make phone calls in the morning. If it's one thing I have learned over the past 3 and a half years it's that you can only help those who are willing and ready to help themselves. After a year of communicating my concerns of the safety of my granddaughter and then my grandson also to CPS, we finally had a meeting with all parties in one room where the lies were revealed. Truly the events of those few days could never have happened if not orchestrated by God. We watched as literally the curtain was pulled back and truth was revealed in a way that even CPS could not pretend to ignore it anymore.
It has been our goal since we found out Paizley was pregnant with Peighton to equip and empower her to parent her child. We firmly believe Peighton was given to Paizley as a gift from God to grow and nurture in His ways. However, we also knew in order for that to happen there were some decision and sacrifices that had to be made on her part. There was also much emotional healing that had to occur. We prayed daily and sometimes hourly for those things to happen.
As we sat in the meeting and CPS told Paizley she could keep her babies or she could keep the man, we knew she had no where to go without the man. John left the room to make phone calls. We called two local missions. One doesn't take teens, but was willing to talk to us because of the relationship we had with the founders and the volunteers. It was decided by all that really it was not equipped to handle what Paizley needed. The other mission was well equipped and would be an amazing opportunity for learning how to be a mom, how to earn and keep a job and for healing that would be necessary to be the mom she needed to be. This is a mission that usually has a waiting list! But as God would orchestrate, they had a bed open! However, with the holiday, they would not be able to approve an application for a few days. Which ended up being a mute point because after the rules became known, she decided that wasn't the place for her. So John's parents graciously agreed to allow Paizley and the two babies to move in with them until we could find a permanent place. And in all honesty, they were contemplating allowing her to remain there long term if needed.
But then the call came. Even with everything we had been through in the last two and a half years, I never expected this call. Still, to this day, I cannot wrap my head around the news we received in the call. John's dad called to tell us that Paizley had called CPS and told them to get the babies because she was going back. She was leaving her babies to return to the man who was abusing her. Truly, I couldn't understand. I cried, I screamed, I shook my fist at God, and I begged Him for wisdom and guidance on what next. John got on the phone to CPS, had to threaten to go to the media with what we knew of the case before we could talk to the person making the decisions, but when he finally spoke to her, she informed us CPS would be seeking custody of our grandchildren as soon as they and courts opened back up after the holidays because there was no one there to do anything at 4:30 pm on July 3. She informed us that we, as grandparents, could hire an attorney and petition the court for custody. We had already been told by the original CPS worker that she would not place the grand babies in our home because we had "too many kids" and instead would place them in the home they had been in for most of the past year where they would be in no less harm than they had been the entire time....with a caretaker whom we had been told couldn't watch Peighton for three hours a day for Paizley to go to school but would now be full time care giver for a not yet 11 month and a 3 week infants.
Rewind to the night before. It was the first time since the events had happened that John and I had been alone and could really digest what the future might hold. Neither one of us could really wrap our heads around what life would look like with a 3, 2,1 and newborn along with our other 4 kids. We talked about how our family had already been hemorrhaging over all the events of the past 2 years, and had just felt like we had just now stopped the bleeding. This would most likely start the hemorrhaging again. Surely that can't be what we are to do?! We couldn't fathom the financial responsibility of two more children along with the legal fees they would bring. And on the other hand, I couldn't come close to settling in my heart that my grand children would enter the system I knew was so broken and very ill equipped to ensure their care and protection. I kept going back to the times when Paizley was pregnant, and I stood in her room saying, "This baby will not grow up the way you did. There are two ways for that to happen. You raise her in a new life or someone else raises her. Let's work toward you raising her in a new life!" I said I would never raise my grand children. I wasn't ready to be a Mimi, but I didn't want to raise them as mine either. I wanted my daughter to raise them. I wanted to invite them over for sleep overs so my daughter could have break. But that decision was out of my hands.
John hangs up the phone and tells me the news. What do we want to do? We agree to call an attorney to find out what we can do. We find one who will agree to work the 4th to draft papers to petition the court on Friday the 5th for custody. We agreed this was what God was asking us to do. We had no answers. We didn't know how it would all work. We didn't know where the $6,000 we had just been told we would need to get this done would come from. All we knew was God said, go get your babies. And we did.
My father-in-law in great wisdom talks to my daughter for the hour drive back to the abusive boyfriend. He stops before getting to the spot where she wants to be left with him. He once again asks if this is what she wants even if it means she may lose her babies. She nods and he starts up again.
An army of people stepped in at this point to provide for two children now abandoned. My in-laws spent 48 hours charged with the safety and responsibility of these two babies until we could get court papers. We went and spent the day to help them, another angel friend came over and stayed to help when we weren't there. Our friends started collecting baby items as we had gotten rid of everything feeling pretty certain we were done with babies. And on July 5, we were awarded custody by a court due to evidence of abuse and neglect. We received a very wounded not yet 11 month old and a starving 3 week old. He ate every three hours around the clock and gained much needed weight to get him back up to and beyond his birth weight. Peighton had spent her entire life in the arms of her mother. Now she didn't have her. She didn't want to be consoled. She didn't know how to be consoled. She would sit and rock with her blanket back and forth. She would scream, but wouldn't let us console. She would pull away when we tried to pick her up.
I look back on the past year, and truly, I am amazed we survived. I look back and while I know my other children had to sacrifice, I know they are better people for having walked the path. I look at them now with Peighton and DJ and see the love and nurture they give them..and are starting to get back in return and I know they understand caring for the hurt and the least of these. We have a long way to go to healing - for all of us. There are days I think we will never make it. But when I look at where we were a year ago, I can't help but be encouraged. It is in these times I have to not look at where we have yet to go, but look at where we have come from! And when I see the progress we have made, when I see the God that has carried us, I know by faith that we can make it.
So today I choose to not let it be a day of defeat. As we come up on one year of caring for 8 children in our home with four being toddlers and under...as I look at my 2 one year olds (you should NEVER be able to day that by the way :) ), I choose to keep my eyes on Him. I choose to believe that what the enemy has tried to steal from my family God will redeem! I know that we are redeeming a generation! I will not let the enemy steal what God has given to me to restore.
And as we celebrate Independence Day this year with our now 8 children, I will celebrate freedom on many levels! I thank God that Truth sets us free and when that happens, we are free indeed!
Sunday, March 16, 2014
You are not reaching your full potential if you are not in church!
You are not reaching your full potential if you are not in church. Stick with me! I know that is a bold and controversial statement!
Let me make two points very clear before I continue. 1) I LOVE the Body of Christ! I love how He set it up to operate. I love how, when it operates as He intended, there is nothing more powerful, more loving, or more genuine, than the Body of Christ! 2) I have been hurt deeply by the "church". More than once, I have pleaded with God to show me a way other than having to find a new "church" to be part of His Body. Joining a new church felt a little like leading myself to the guillotine at times! And maybe a third point 3) I don't define "church" as a building. I believe any group of people who meet for the purpose of worship, teaching, encouraging and equipping followers of Christ are a "church" and a Body of Christ.
We had been attending and prayerfully seeking God's direction for us in a Body since moving. But recently, felt God asking us to move to a new body for several reasons. So we set out to find where God wanted us to be. We didn't miss a single week of church. My awesome husband even took our 8 plus two extra teens on a week that I was out of town for work. But can I tell you that in those four weeks that we were "homeless", I was reminded that I will never reach my full potential if I am not in fellowship regularly with other believers.
I understand. That pastor betrayed your trust, your respect. That church leader was completely insensitive and maybe even inappropriate in the way they handled your life crisis. There are probably very few church issues that bring pain that you could throw my way that John and I haven't walked through ourselves at some point. But we understand these leaders, pastors, teachers, other church members are human...just like us! I have hurt people's feelings....people in my church. I have had to go apologize and ask forgiveness for hurting feelings. The bottom line is, there is no perfect church because it is made up of humans like me.
But, there is a perfect church for my family....and for you and your family! God never intended for us to do life alone! Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 both talk of how we are just part of a body. "For the body does not consist of one member but of many" You alone, are NOT the Body of Christ! And if you are not in a Body of Christ, that Body is missing a part..a toe, an arm, a head even maybe! Do you realize without you, some Body of Christ that you are called to is quite possibly having to operate without a vital part?
And without that Body in your life, you are not all you can be! I don't care how mature you think you are. I don't care how much tv church you watch. Without a Body of believers that you know and who know you, you are not able to do all you can do. I know there are circumstances with health where you can't get out of the house, and for those I am so thankful for technology that can bring church to a home! But for those who just use that as the checklist for church or to ease your mind about going to church, it's not the same! Look at Jesus himself! He met regularly with his 12, then even more intimately with three. And he met often with a crowd! If Jesus needed a Body to reach His potential, what makes us think we are different? If He didn't have the maturity to do it alone, how can we even begin to think we can?
God couldn't have made it any clearer, "do not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25. During those four weeks, I was trying to do my individual study with God every morning. I was using online worship services during the week to keep myself encouraged. But even still, the depression started setting in. You see just like a big cat after its prey, when the enemy can isolate us from the herd, we are so much easier to take down! As we sat in a different church each week where we felt like strangers, because we were, I realized that I would never reach my full potential if we did not find a body where I could plug in. Be a part of what God was doing in a Body of believers. Being part of something bigger than ourselves keeps us encouraged and moving forward! It keeps the focus off of us! One of the biggest weapons the enemy has it to get me focused on me! When I am not part of a church, it is so much easier to become focused inward!
So let me encourage you to allow God to heal the wounds you may have from "church people". No pastor is infallible! But God is! Don't trust a church, trust God! Trust that He can bring healing from your past hurts and any future hurts. Then ask Him to show you where He wants you! He has a place He needs you to plug in because He has called and gifted you to be a part of a body! And that body needs you...and you need that body!
Let me make two points very clear before I continue. 1) I LOVE the Body of Christ! I love how He set it up to operate. I love how, when it operates as He intended, there is nothing more powerful, more loving, or more genuine, than the Body of Christ! 2) I have been hurt deeply by the "church". More than once, I have pleaded with God to show me a way other than having to find a new "church" to be part of His Body. Joining a new church felt a little like leading myself to the guillotine at times! And maybe a third point 3) I don't define "church" as a building. I believe any group of people who meet for the purpose of worship, teaching, encouraging and equipping followers of Christ are a "church" and a Body of Christ.
We had been attending and prayerfully seeking God's direction for us in a Body since moving. But recently, felt God asking us to move to a new body for several reasons. So we set out to find where God wanted us to be. We didn't miss a single week of church. My awesome husband even took our 8 plus two extra teens on a week that I was out of town for work. But can I tell you that in those four weeks that we were "homeless", I was reminded that I will never reach my full potential if I am not in fellowship regularly with other believers.
I understand. That pastor betrayed your trust, your respect. That church leader was completely insensitive and maybe even inappropriate in the way they handled your life crisis. There are probably very few church issues that bring pain that you could throw my way that John and I haven't walked through ourselves at some point. But we understand these leaders, pastors, teachers, other church members are human...just like us! I have hurt people's feelings....people in my church. I have had to go apologize and ask forgiveness for hurting feelings. The bottom line is, there is no perfect church because it is made up of humans like me.
But, there is a perfect church for my family....and for you and your family! God never intended for us to do life alone! Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 both talk of how we are just part of a body. "For the body does not consist of one member but of many" You alone, are NOT the Body of Christ! And if you are not in a Body of Christ, that Body is missing a part..a toe, an arm, a head even maybe! Do you realize without you, some Body of Christ that you are called to is quite possibly having to operate without a vital part?
And without that Body in your life, you are not all you can be! I don't care how mature you think you are. I don't care how much tv church you watch. Without a Body of believers that you know and who know you, you are not able to do all you can do. I know there are circumstances with health where you can't get out of the house, and for those I am so thankful for technology that can bring church to a home! But for those who just use that as the checklist for church or to ease your mind about going to church, it's not the same! Look at Jesus himself! He met regularly with his 12, then even more intimately with three. And he met often with a crowd! If Jesus needed a Body to reach His potential, what makes us think we are different? If He didn't have the maturity to do it alone, how can we even begin to think we can?
God couldn't have made it any clearer, "do not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25. During those four weeks, I was trying to do my individual study with God every morning. I was using online worship services during the week to keep myself encouraged. But even still, the depression started setting in. You see just like a big cat after its prey, when the enemy can isolate us from the herd, we are so much easier to take down! As we sat in a different church each week where we felt like strangers, because we were, I realized that I would never reach my full potential if we did not find a body where I could plug in. Be a part of what God was doing in a Body of believers. Being part of something bigger than ourselves keeps us encouraged and moving forward! It keeps the focus off of us! One of the biggest weapons the enemy has it to get me focused on me! When I am not part of a church, it is so much easier to become focused inward!
So let me encourage you to allow God to heal the wounds you may have from "church people". No pastor is infallible! But God is! Don't trust a church, trust God! Trust that He can bring healing from your past hurts and any future hurts. Then ask Him to show you where He wants you! He has a place He needs you to plug in because He has called and gifted you to be a part of a body! And that body needs you...and you need that body!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
New Beginnings and Clean Slates
I LOVE New Years...mornings, Mondays, start of school...anything that represents a new beginning and a clean slate! I am such a mess up! I have such great intentions most days, and fail at most of those intentions most days in this season of life. But I love that EVERY morning, I have a clean slate, a new start! I love Lamentations 3:22-23 that promises "because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant are your stability and faithfulness." (emphasis mine)
I see every morning as a new beginning full of possibility and God's compassion and mercy that covers all I didn't accomplish or managed to totally mess up yesterday! And New Year's kind of represents that on a yearly basis for me. It is a time to reflect on the past year, mark stones of remembrance of God's faithfulness and provision, times of spiritual stretching that hopefully brought growth, and looking at the times I didn't quite hit the mark. Then I ask God to speak to me about the upcoming year! For the past four years, sometime between mid December and January 1, God has dropped either a word or two or a scripture in my mind or drawn it out of one of my studies and said it was for the new year. It's become one of my favorite parts of December....listening to what God has to say about the upcoming year!
For 2013, God gave me the words Faith and Obedience! The other fun part about God speaking to me about years like that is looking back over the year in my review mirror and seeing just where the words or scriptures God gave encouraged, sustained, prepared and motivated me. Well, faith and obedience were definitely a theme in 2013! The obedience part was that I was to hear his voice, even a small whisper, and do it! No questioning, no reasoning, just pure faith, trust and obedience...from "pick up that marker on the floor" to "take in two more children", I tried to simply obey when I heard His voice. I didn't succeed in all areas. My weight battle ensued long after I wanted it to, but there was even victory there when I followed through with my obedience! But as I look back over the year, I know God prepared me for adding two babies to our home and moving our family 5 hours away from our support system of amazing friends and family.
I honestly hadn't thought much about it this year. We are still trying to unpack from the move. And with the move, I had done zero shopping for Christmas...and can I tell you that shopping for 8 kids plus extended family is an ordeal?! We also hosted both families this year for Christmas. Love doing that, but it has meant there has been little alone time with God really except for the few moments I have carved out here and there. But one of the things I love about my God is that He knows my heart! He knows that my heart longs to be with Him! And so even though I hadn't done the "check list" to hear Him, He spoke anyway! I was actually getting dressed one morning, and just had my worship music on. I heard joy and consistency. Took me a minute to figure out why I heard that. Then I knew. They are my words for 2014! I am still studying to see just exactly what they mean and what my part is to make sure they remain themes for the year. But I am excited to see what God does to bring joy and consistency into our family....really, two things that were definitely missing this year!
So I encourage you to get alone with God sometime today and ask Him what He has for you in the coming year! He is a God of love and mercy, if you have this feeling that you are on God's "naughty" list and are afraid to hear what He has to say, please know that is the enemy! Yes, God may have some things to say about what you have done, but He loves you enough to send his Son from heaven's seat to a manger in a stable! He is longing for you to sit with Him and let Him share the good, perfect and full of hope plans He has for you in the coming year! And if you don't get to that today, you can do it in the morning because every morning is full of new mercies!
Happy New Year blog world friends! I pray God's faithful provision, tangible presence and sustaining JOY over each and every one of you for 2014!
I see every morning as a new beginning full of possibility and God's compassion and mercy that covers all I didn't accomplish or managed to totally mess up yesterday! And New Year's kind of represents that on a yearly basis for me. It is a time to reflect on the past year, mark stones of remembrance of God's faithfulness and provision, times of spiritual stretching that hopefully brought growth, and looking at the times I didn't quite hit the mark. Then I ask God to speak to me about the upcoming year! For the past four years, sometime between mid December and January 1, God has dropped either a word or two or a scripture in my mind or drawn it out of one of my studies and said it was for the new year. It's become one of my favorite parts of December....listening to what God has to say about the upcoming year!
For 2013, God gave me the words Faith and Obedience! The other fun part about God speaking to me about years like that is looking back over the year in my review mirror and seeing just where the words or scriptures God gave encouraged, sustained, prepared and motivated me. Well, faith and obedience were definitely a theme in 2013! The obedience part was that I was to hear his voice, even a small whisper, and do it! No questioning, no reasoning, just pure faith, trust and obedience...from "pick up that marker on the floor" to "take in two more children", I tried to simply obey when I heard His voice. I didn't succeed in all areas. My weight battle ensued long after I wanted it to, but there was even victory there when I followed through with my obedience! But as I look back over the year, I know God prepared me for adding two babies to our home and moving our family 5 hours away from our support system of amazing friends and family.
I honestly hadn't thought much about it this year. We are still trying to unpack from the move. And with the move, I had done zero shopping for Christmas...and can I tell you that shopping for 8 kids plus extended family is an ordeal?! We also hosted both families this year for Christmas. Love doing that, but it has meant there has been little alone time with God really except for the few moments I have carved out here and there. But one of the things I love about my God is that He knows my heart! He knows that my heart longs to be with Him! And so even though I hadn't done the "check list" to hear Him, He spoke anyway! I was actually getting dressed one morning, and just had my worship music on. I heard joy and consistency. Took me a minute to figure out why I heard that. Then I knew. They are my words for 2014! I am still studying to see just exactly what they mean and what my part is to make sure they remain themes for the year. But I am excited to see what God does to bring joy and consistency into our family....really, two things that were definitely missing this year!
So I encourage you to get alone with God sometime today and ask Him what He has for you in the coming year! He is a God of love and mercy, if you have this feeling that you are on God's "naughty" list and are afraid to hear what He has to say, please know that is the enemy! Yes, God may have some things to say about what you have done, but He loves you enough to send his Son from heaven's seat to a manger in a stable! He is longing for you to sit with Him and let Him share the good, perfect and full of hope plans He has for you in the coming year! And if you don't get to that today, you can do it in the morning because every morning is full of new mercies!
Happy New Year blog world friends! I pray God's faithful provision, tangible presence and sustaining JOY over each and every one of you for 2014!
Friday, October 18, 2013
A little Encouragement: You don't have to be perfect!
I have been listening to Bill Johnson's current serious around the wisdom of Solomon. The first part of this story that is amazing to me and I had never picked up on is that the entire conversation with God and impartation of Solomon's wisdom occurred in a dream! I got to start praying for more intimate dreams! But the second thing that really stuck out to me this morning as I am coming off of one of the hardest days I have ever had in spiritual warfare is in 1 Kings 3:14. It says, "If you walk in My ways, keeping My statutes and commandments, as your father David walked, then I will prolong your days." (emphasis added) There's some encouragement for you day! The standard that God uses as he imparts this amazing gift on Solomon is a man who had an affair and then arranged for his mistress' husband to be killed in battle! But even with those actions that I think the legalistic side of any Christian would characterize as one of the "biggies", God still tells Solomon if he walks like David, God will see that as a worthy walk! That has given me freedom today! I don't always have the best intentions and most certainly not the best thoughts. The enemy would have me believe that I can't be used of God after I fail in thought or action, but the Truth is as long as I repent of that and continue to seek God and do what He is asking, there is redemption, restoration and He will still. use. me! That encouraged me today....I hope it does you as well! It's FRIDAY! That should encourage you too! Be blessed today!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
A little of our story....
As we start a new season, we meet people who don't know our story. As I was thinking about what took us from Liberia to waiting children right here in the US, I remembered that I had written a piece for our Addy's Show Playbill. It tells a bit about the path that God put us on to get us here...and my heart about these children. So here it is:
Welcome to the first ever Addy's Show! Thank you for coming and supporting Addy's Hope and our efforts to find homes for the waiting children of Texas.
Four years ago John and I were asked to take a two year old little boy as a foster placement. We asked to visit him before giving an answer on the placement. Walking out of the "emergency shelter" that housed 25 children ages 5 years old and younger right here in Midland, Texas, I was forever changed. I had been in many orphanages in Africa, but had no idea there was one in my own backyard. It was that visit that brought John and I to the realization of the orphan crisis right here in Texas! I soon learned that over 6,000 children were waiting in our foster system for adoptive families. I then learned there were no adoption fees to adopt these children and most qualify for adoption subsidies that will continue until their 18th birthday. They receive free college tuition to any state school in Texas and have medicaid coverage for medical expenses even after the adoption is finalized. We knew we could not take this information and simply walk away from it. Once made aware of an injustice, you can no longer plead ignorance as reason to ignore the crisis. John and I answered the crisis by adopting a waiting child personally and also by making a commitment to work with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services to recruit and train families to bring God's orphans home!
James 1 says that we are to be "doers" and not merely "hearers" of the Word. Please do not leave here as a man who looks in a mirror and walks away forgetting what he saw. These children need you! Not everyone is called to adopt, but everyone can do something! Help us spread the word about the crisis of these children in our social welfare system. Read the statistics in the halls between their pictures. We have to stop this cycle now. The future of our nation hinges on us getting these children into families and changing their destination. We need financial supporters to help us keep our program running since families do not pay adoption fees, and the fees paid by the state do not cover the hours it takes to train and support a family through an entire adoption process and beyond. You can also be a team member for a family who is adopting. Team members provide meals, babysit, clean a house or just listen when parents need an empathetic ear. There is some way that every one can be a part of finding families for these children! We truly believe there are no unwanted children, only unfound families. We need your help finding homes for these children!
The children you have met tonight in the pages you are holding and in the halls as you walked into the theater need you. Please consider how you can help. If you would like more information on how to adopt one of these children, call me at 432.897.1503 or send me an e-mail at hollyann@addyshope.com. Together, we can empty the foster system of these waiting children and answer God's call to bring His children home!
I would like to personally thank all of our sponsors! Without you, this would still be only a dream! The playbill you hold as well as all the amazing publications for tonight were the work of the amazingly talented Rachel Austin and Eric Huecker! Rachel & Eric, your support of our work and your heart for these children blesses me and spurs me on in the work that I do! Thank you! Holly Bartlett, thank you for stuffing and mailing countless support letters to help make tonight as successful as possible! Skip Ziegler, your knowledge and love of technology has made Addy's Show high tech tonight. Thank you for using your talents for God's children. Katie Bailey, we did it! Thank you for having this vision and putting in the work it took to make it a reality! I am forever grateful for all you have done for Addy's Hope. And to our amazing cast, there are no words to express my gratitude for the countless hours you have spent in preparation! I pray God's blessing on you and your families for the sacrifices made to make tonight possible! You have played a part in every child that finds a home from the fires that are sparked tonight! To my children, Paizley, Callie, Noah, Toben, Ava, Madison & Journey, thank you for letting me tell your stories! Thank you for loving being the "weird" family as much as I do! I love you to the moon and back! John, thank you for taking this journey with me! Thank you for supporting our family so I can chase my calling! Thank you for saying "yes" to God and getting the ball rolling for Addy's Hope nine years ago when I still thought it was impossible! Thank you for wiping the tears I cry for the children I serve and always reminding me why we do this thing we do. I love you! And to my Heavenly Father, thank you for entrusting me with the call of Your children. I pray tonight has been pleasing to You, and I ask that you leave the faces of these children imprinted on those You have brought here tonight until they all have homes!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Free Will, My Choice, Sacrifice and Warfare
So the move was to our promised land. However, it's felt more like the 40 years in the wilderness compacted into three weeks. It has greatly frustrated me that things have not gone smoothly. I mean we stepped out in faith, right?! God provided this job...that was the faith step and where it was supposed to end, the rest was just supposed to be rainbows and roses. When we walked through the door of this home we were supposed to walk into a mecca of peace, blessings and happily ever after. I mean, that's how it's supposed to work when you take a big leap of faith, right?
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
As I write it, I can see how ludicrous it sounds, but somehow in my mind, that was how it was supposed to be. I was excited about the move, looking forward to our new life in our new home with great anticipation. I hadn't taken into account the fact that I had yet to be fully in charge of all four babies by myself while having to manage a job, dinners, school pick ups and drop-offs, etc, etc. I hadn't really counted the cost of not selling our house yet and what that would truly mean for the first weeks in our new home. I hadn't anticipated learning that grand-baby number three will be due around May of next year. With each passing day of boxes and babies while alone in a house I can't leave - I mean where am I supposed to go, we don't have a stroller that holds more than two and grocery carts don't hold many more than that if you want room to put anything in them - I could feel myself slipping into depression. And did I mention where we live is about 15 minutes from ANY sizable store? At least until the new Wal- Mart opens in a few weeks...but that hasn't helped in the current circumstances of my transition. I felt myself becoming a person I left behind years ago. I have battled depression....took medicine and the whole shooting match! I know depression is real! I know there are times you need medication to deal with depression when there are chemicals in your body that are not working correctly. But I knew this was not a chemical issue. This was WAR.
But here's the thing, I was so weary and so far gone already in my thoughts that I wasn't sure how to fight. And of course, when you are in that kind of pit, the enemy taunts you relentlessly with any thoughts of trying to reach out for help. But I knew I was up against a real battle when John had gone out of town for a business trip and the heaviness set in. I did pretty good at going through the motions, and think for the most part had a happy face for the kids. But inside my mind, the battle was raging and each hour seemed to grow darker than the one before. I went up to do the night time routine with the little girls. I knelt down to pray with Ava (had to get on the floor because she is sleeping on a mattress on the floor since the movers demolished her bed when half our belongings fell off the back of the truck, but I digress...). As I said, "let's pray", Ava stopped me. She asked if she could pray. Confession: I was a little relieved! I wasn't really nuts about talking to God right then. I kind of felt like He had left me to die in the middle of the battlefield with blood flowing from all my open wounds, one of the many lies I was believing at this point. We take each other's hands, Ava on one side of me and Madison on the other. Ava begins to pray.....and as I hear the words, tears well up in my eyes..."and Jesus send your angels around my mommy so she doesn't die". What? What does she mean so I don't die? She doesn't know anything is going on, and while I am low, I am not suicidal! Have I mentioned how spiritually in-tune my 7 year old is? We finish our prayers, I give the kisses, tell them I love them, threaten Madison if she gets out of bed with as much wrath as I can muster looking at her frizzy hair framed face as she grins at me, and I leave the room. I didn't give the prayers much more thought until the next morning when I woke up and realized the heaviness was gone! I was trying to figure out what was different, and God brought her prayer back to mind...and I thought - no, I wasn't going to die physically, but I was on a spiral spiritually, and her prayers broke the bondage and the dark cloud lifted a bit. It was still there, but it lifted enough that I could see just enough light to know that I was truly in a battle for my mind. I began to cry out to God for help to break free of the grip all together! I asked for wisdom and knowledge to know what started me down the slippery slope in the first place.
I had come up with a lot of answers, and I am sure they had some part in the darkness. One thing I realized was that I was more in tune to the flesh and the voice giving wrong direction than to The Voice that I know is for me and not against me! I started trying to get relief from the darkness by eating something that was satisfying to the taste buds, or watching a favorite show, or some other silly thing that would then leave me feeling worse because I wasted time or felt fat....you know how the enemy is! He tells you what will make you feel better then mocks you because you feel worse having done it! One day at a time, I began to fight back! I would ask God to show me where the battle was and would begin to make choices that would bring me back to freedom....like when the kids went down for a nap, I started to grab a cookie to sit down for "just a minute" to have some "me" time. But I had done that in the recent past and it had just brought frustration that nap time hadn't been as productive as I'd hoped. So I stopped and literally asked God to show me what would make me feel better....unpacking a box would make me feel better..so I did it. And guess what? I felt better! I felt productive - the cloud lifted a little more. I reached out to some and shared my battle with depression and asked them to pray for relief and strength for the battle.
Each day was a little brighter, a little less dark. Then on the way home from my first trip out of the house with all four babies...took me three days of "trying" to get out of the house to finally make this trip...I was listening to the radio and the announcer made a statement that was something like God always gives you the choice because we have free will. That hit a nerve and I immediately heard God say, "You do have a choice!"
You see, I didn't want to raise my grand-babies. I wanted to be Mimi! I wanted them to come over for sleep overs for Friday nights. I wanted to take them out for ice cream and then take them home all hyped up on sugar. I didn't want to be the care giver, the disciplinarian, the "mom". But when circumstances played out the way they did, we did what we believed God was not only telling us to do, but literally highlighting each step and orchestrating every fact and event so that there was no question and no wondering what His will was. Since we gained custody of the babies, I have said, "What choice did we have?" I mean really, is there a choice between letting CPS take your grand-kids and stepping in to ensure their safety yourself? And that day in the car listening to the radio, God said, "Yes! There is a choice!" Now, I am not saying I have wrestled through that yet. I argued with God all the way home that really, there is no choice. But he gently reminded me that He does give free will and I could have walked away. Really?! Walk away?! I couldn't do that, so there is no choice! But that is really not scriptural! That's not sound theology! God will never force Himself on any of His children. And so I had to face the reality....I couldn't blame God anymore for the sacrifices we have had to make for the grand-babies to live with us. It was my choice. I chose to say yes.
See, the weeks of thinking I didn't have a choice had started a seed of bitterness in me against God, against my daughter, and was beginning to grow against my sweet and innocent babies. The enemy started his taunting of "just think what you could afford if you didn't have to pay childcare for the two extra kids" or "you would already be unpacked and have your house set up if not for the two extra kids" or "you wouldn't be dragging out of sheer fatigue if you weren't getting up twice a night with the baby". Here's the deal...those are all true statements! And so in the beginning, I didn't realize it was an attack! But every day that I entertained those thoughts, I began to take a mindset that I was sacrificing too much for them, for her, and what should be a joy and an act of service to my God and my grand-babies became a slippery slope into a pit of depression and anger toward just about everyone in my life.
And here's the deal...it all happened in my mind! It only took about two weeks for the enemy to have planted enough seeds that I was headlong going down a path I would never have dreamed just weeks earlier! You see, the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy! He knows that we are walking into our promised land, and he has thrown some HUGE punches in order to keep us in the wilderness a bit longer. But I have a choice just like the Israelites did. I can look at my promised land and see giants or I can look at my promised land and see a land already won and paid for by my Savior waiting for me to inhabit and trust Him to fight the giants and provide in whatever way I need to walk right on the land with the enemy under my foot!
As only a personal and loving God can, the morning of the day I would have this revelation, I was looking through some notes and went to a scripture that really had nothing to do with any of this. But I started reading around it and God spoke right to my circumstances! In Mark 10, Peter is basically whining to God that they have left "everything" for Him. Jesus replies, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms." I am sure I have read that scripture a million times, but I have never seen that part where God assures Peter that there is a reward in this "present age" for giving it all and following God! But God didn't take it from them, they gave it. A choice. And in return, God promises 100 times as much as we give back in this present age! Not for when we get to heaven...there are rewards there too, but we are not to live life on this earth struggling and barely making it into the gates of heaven battered and weary from the sacrifices of a Christian life! We are to live victoriously! And now is a good time to say, I have told God there is no need to reward me with 100 times as many grand-kids for this choice to serve! Ha! And the verse does go on to say that we will be persecuted also for giving up what we have for God. So it will not always be rainbows and roses, but there will be promises of provision and sustaining blessings when we choose!
That should be the end. But my brain is very logical and analytical. And when I think about the "choice" to take my grand-babies or not take them, it is still really hard for me to see a choice. I am still wrestling with God a bit with this, so I can't tell you I have the answer, but this I know. I gave my life to Christ. I agreed to be his bond-servant. Without the sacrifice He made for me, I would be a slave to my sin, and for the freedom He has given me from my sin nature (when I choose to walk in that freedom, I might add), I owe him my life! Not just a neat prayer that says I know He was born, died and rose again, but my life! My every day, wake up, go to sleep, and what I do in-between that life. That was the first choice...to make Him Lord. Then every day I have choices to keep Him Lord. Some are small, like am I going to eat the cookie even though I know I am looking to food for comfort rather than Jesus, and some are huge, like will I choose to be a vessel of redemption for a generation?
That day in the car, God said, "You don't have to do this. And I understand if you say no. It's a hard journey I have asked you to take. It requires sacrifice not just from you and John but from your kids as well. It will require financial, emotional and physical sacrifice that at times will stretch you to new limits of fatigue, exhaustion and weariness on every front. The choice is yours. But in return you will have My blessings. You will have My protection. In return you will be the instrument of redemption and freedom in a generation of two lineages of bondage. But the choice is yours."
Sigh. I don't know what it would look like if we said no to the babies. But I do know that because they are here, the enemy will be defeated with the plans he has for their lives! I do know that the plans God has for an abundant life, for a hope and a future that is good for them will come to be because they are in our home. And that's the choice I have. Do I choose God?
And with that realization that I have chosen God, and chosen life for these innocent lives, I see them in a totally different way! They go from being a burden and a sacrifice to being what they are....innocent lives in desperate need of God's grace and the love of a family with the safety physically, emotionally and spiritually that a family provides. And that makes the endless screaming because they don't know how to be comforted easier to bear. It makes the third feeding in a night when I can barely open my eyes a joy to do. And with that choice, the battle is done! God won! The enemy is placed under my feet where He belongs. I will take up my cross and follow my Savior, I will choose this day to serve God and make Him Lord of my home...and that home includes two precious babies 11 months apart who call us Mimi and Grumps!
I share this only because I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the subtle lies that the enemy has planted over time. You are sinking into a deep pit. And a choice to follow God and do something He asked you to do might have been what you think started you into the pit, but that is the first lie that like me, you believed! I want you to know that if you will just ask God, he will reveal the lies! He will show you how to get out of the pit! For me, praise and worship is huge! When I am in the pit of despair, I don't always get much from reading the Bible...just being transparent here...but if I put on some worship music (I usually use Youtube when I am in a bad place because not only do I hear worship, I see worship with the people singing) it breaks the darkness just enough for me to then begin hearing from God a bit. I am going to put links to some of my favorite worship songs for battle. There is also an amazing message by Bill Johnson on how we give territory to either the enemy or the Holy Spirit in our thought life as well as a blog by Tom Vermillion an amazing author who just happened to be one of our pastors and the man who I credit with dispelling my traditional thinking on spiritual warfare and showing me the truth to equip myself for the life God has called me to live! And if you are in the pit of despair, I would count it an honor and privilege to pray for you and stand with you against the enemy. Feel free to email me at hollyann@addyshope.com. You have a choice also! Choose life, choose God! Fight back! You are not alone!
http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1773/sunday-morning/2013/09/08
There are several posts on the demonic that are great to read if you are new to truths of spiritual warfare! He also has a book called Born to be Free which I would highly recommend!
http://www.tomvermillion.com/09/17/dealing-with-the-demonic-part-1/
Sunday, September 15, 2013
The Move: Some Random Thoughts
I have so many blog posts that I need to write! It's been a rough three weeks! But God has shown Himself. So maybe I will have time to really write out my thoughts soon, but for now, here are some rather random thoughts, interesting items from our time here so far:
- When you start a faith journey, it is very exciting. Walking out the faith journey in the great big middle of the circumstances is hard.
- When the circumstances of your faith walk start to overwhelm you, you want to turn back (I've given myself the nick name Izzy because I sound much like the Israelites lately wanting to go back to Egypt!), but thankful there is a point of no return where you have to either keep walking toward the goal or check out of life altogether.
- Moving with 8 children is INSANE!
- God provides in miraculous ways when you trust him....like the day we had $75 in the checking account, payday was still two weeks away and a bill for $150 was set to pay the next day with no resources to put any more in the checking account. John goes to the mailbox and there is over $600 total from two checks, one we had been expecting, and one over $400 that we had not been...a refund on over payment of a medical bill.
- Trusting God is HARD when you are paying a mortgage and a lease!
- When God calls you as parents to something/somewhere, He calls your kids too which means he prepares them! We have not had ONE SINGLE complaint from any of the kids despite arriving at 1:00 am on the first day of school in a totally new place, adjusting to new schools and new church! My kids and my God ROCK!
- Trying to unpack boxes with 4 children ages 3 and under is INSANE!
- The Body of Christ is amazing.....the first week we were here, three families from a church whose pastor I had been e-mailing came and fed us pizza, helped us unpack, worshiped with us, prayed over our home and breathed life into what was becoming a very depressing situation for me!
- God knows when you are truly crying out in desperation, and He sends help!
- Four kids ages 3 and under means you are pretty well stuck at home until reinforcements arrive.
- It takes exactly 8.3 minutes to load 4 napping toddlers/infant in the car including three trips upstairs!
- The enemy doesn't like it when you are determined to walk into your promised land.
- I have some more maturing to do....I am still not very good at persevering through tough circumstances.
- Part time daycare may be available but it is OUTRAGEOUS!
- If you leave the house right as school lets out, you will cut your wait in the pick up line by at least 15 minutes and as long as you leave with in 5 minutes after school lets out, you will not be the last car in the pick up line.
- I can get anywhere eventually as long as I can find a place for a U-turn - and that's not always easy in Big Momma!
- The "Around Me" app is sometimes as confused as I am (I've ended up in a field and a neighborhood when going to a business according to the app).
There's so much more....but that gives you a small look into our first three weeks here! Hopefully I can sit and really write soon!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
The Move: A Few More Pieces
It's fun to now be able to take you guys on this journey with me! Moving has so many details that need to align just right in order for it to work out! This week God has shown again that He will meet our every need and faithfully provide the next step when it's time to take it.
The offer on our house in Ft. Worth was accepted and all parties have signed. We had received a contingency offer on our house in Midland. Midland has a crazy housing market right now...like houses sell in days, not weeks, and often for more than they were asking. We have a severe housing shortage. So many times, contingency offers are not accepted. We have always had to make contingency offers, but in a market like this, people usually want offers that are ready to move on it. So when we got the contingency offer, we were not sure what to do. We didn't mind taking it at all...the price offered was great, but the timing of having a contingency would mean we wouldn't be there in time for school to start for the kids. We had already asked if we can rent the house for whatever time needed to be there from the time school starts until we close...still waiting to get our "Yes!" on that one. So there was already sort of a plan in place for a little later closing. Our Realtor was not crazy about a contingency because she knows the market and felt we could get a non-contingent offer. John and I both went to prayer. The thing about walking through this move is that we have not made any decision until God spoke! We had clear direction before we did anything on this journey. So when it came to accepting or declining the offer, we really couldn't settle for gut feelings, the advice of others, or what the market says, we wanted to hear God's voice! Two days we prayed, listened, asked....I even sat for an extended time one of those mornings just sitting....waiting....listening so God could answer. Nothing. But not only was there not an answer, there was no anxiety! Can I get a hallelujah a "I might have actually matured a little in the "trust Me" category" - hallelujah?! On the morning of the day our Realtor had told the family with the offer on our house we would give them an answer, God answered. Right on time. Never early, never late, right on His time! During my quiet time when I was simply praying..not necessarily about the house, just having my morning coffee with God, I heard, "move forward". One of the frustrations with having to show the house has been not being able to pack because there is nowhere to put boxes if we are going to keep things neat and tidy! Accepting the offer means our house will show very little if at all, and we can start packing boxes! It means the buyers will move forward as if their house will sell getting things done such as appraisals, inspections, etc that can hold up a closing. It would all be moving forward if we accepted the contingency. I didn't share any of this with John. We had zero showings that day. You know, you kind of have to show the house to sell the house! On his way home from work right before we were to meet our Realtor to discuss options, John was feeling a bit anxious about not having any showings. Then God stepped in and showed Him the answer too! "Why do you need showings? Your house is sold." Once again God was so faithful to tell us both separately what the next step is! But He wasn't just telling us...we sat down to meet with our Realtor. She had told us the day before that taking the contingency in this market really was not advisable. But one of the things we love about our Realtor - who is also a dear friend - is that she is a Godly woman! We sat down to talk and she shares that in her time that morning, she had thought, "Taking this offer makes no sense, but this is the Petrees and nothing they do makes sense!" Ha! I love it! And it's so true! She went on to say that she felt maybe this family was supposed to get our house...we have been praying that our house would be a blessing to whomever was to buy it. So she just confirmed what God had already spoken to both John and I, so we accepted the offer! Now we are waiting to hear of the sell of their house! That did bring a bit of anxiety to me when I thought of that right after God said to accept the offer. God responded to that anxiety with a statement something like this, "Have you really not learned that I can take care of things like that by now?!" To which I responded, "Yes, Sir!"
But the pieces don't stop there! I may just have to stand on my rooftop literally and shout how faithful and good my God is before this is all done! The Word God gave me back in April 2012 about the new job said that it would allow John to be the husband and father he needed to be instead of making him choose and competing for those roles. When they offered John the job, one of the things that we loved immediately were the hours. He will get home an hour earlier than he does now! Scheduling the drop off and pick up of kids from school while working around babies I don't want to wake and naps, etc has been one of my biggest struggles! The time right after school when everyone is home, needing help with homework and I am trying to get dinner on the table is extremely stressful! Well, no more! We got on-line to look at the kids' schools! Their schedules fit perfectly with John's! The elementary starts at 7:45 and releases at 2:45. So I can drop them off while leaving the babies asleep because the big kids will still be home...they don't start school until 9:20! By then babies will be awake, and it will be no big deal to get them in the car to take the big kids! I will pick up the elementary kids and have their home work done before the big kids come home! And John will get off just in time to get to the middle school to pick up the big kids, so I only have to get out once in the afternoon! Anyone who says God isn't into the details hasn't lived a life with 8 kids! He cares about it all!
There are still some things to be worked out, like renting the house to be there when school starts, all the inspections, etc that have to be done on both houses, the sell of our buyer's house, etc, etc. But God has it! I'm not anxious....just waiting with great anticipation to see how He answers each one of these! Because He will!
The offer on our house in Ft. Worth was accepted and all parties have signed. We had received a contingency offer on our house in Midland. Midland has a crazy housing market right now...like houses sell in days, not weeks, and often for more than they were asking. We have a severe housing shortage. So many times, contingency offers are not accepted. We have always had to make contingency offers, but in a market like this, people usually want offers that are ready to move on it. So when we got the contingency offer, we were not sure what to do. We didn't mind taking it at all...the price offered was great, but the timing of having a contingency would mean we wouldn't be there in time for school to start for the kids. We had already asked if we can rent the house for whatever time needed to be there from the time school starts until we close...still waiting to get our "Yes!" on that one. So there was already sort of a plan in place for a little later closing. Our Realtor was not crazy about a contingency because she knows the market and felt we could get a non-contingent offer. John and I both went to prayer. The thing about walking through this move is that we have not made any decision until God spoke! We had clear direction before we did anything on this journey. So when it came to accepting or declining the offer, we really couldn't settle for gut feelings, the advice of others, or what the market says, we wanted to hear God's voice! Two days we prayed, listened, asked....I even sat for an extended time one of those mornings just sitting....waiting....listening so God could answer. Nothing. But not only was there not an answer, there was no anxiety! Can I get a hallelujah a "I might have actually matured a little in the "trust Me" category" - hallelujah?! On the morning of the day our Realtor had told the family with the offer on our house we would give them an answer, God answered. Right on time. Never early, never late, right on His time! During my quiet time when I was simply praying..not necessarily about the house, just having my morning coffee with God, I heard, "move forward". One of the frustrations with having to show the house has been not being able to pack because there is nowhere to put boxes if we are going to keep things neat and tidy! Accepting the offer means our house will show very little if at all, and we can start packing boxes! It means the buyers will move forward as if their house will sell getting things done such as appraisals, inspections, etc that can hold up a closing. It would all be moving forward if we accepted the contingency. I didn't share any of this with John. We had zero showings that day. You know, you kind of have to show the house to sell the house! On his way home from work right before we were to meet our Realtor to discuss options, John was feeling a bit anxious about not having any showings. Then God stepped in and showed Him the answer too! "Why do you need showings? Your house is sold." Once again God was so faithful to tell us both separately what the next step is! But He wasn't just telling us...we sat down to meet with our Realtor. She had told us the day before that taking the contingency in this market really was not advisable. But one of the things we love about our Realtor - who is also a dear friend - is that she is a Godly woman! We sat down to talk and she shares that in her time that morning, she had thought, "Taking this offer makes no sense, but this is the Petrees and nothing they do makes sense!" Ha! I love it! And it's so true! She went on to say that she felt maybe this family was supposed to get our house...we have been praying that our house would be a blessing to whomever was to buy it. So she just confirmed what God had already spoken to both John and I, so we accepted the offer! Now we are waiting to hear of the sell of their house! That did bring a bit of anxiety to me when I thought of that right after God said to accept the offer. God responded to that anxiety with a statement something like this, "Have you really not learned that I can take care of things like that by now?!" To which I responded, "Yes, Sir!"
But the pieces don't stop there! I may just have to stand on my rooftop literally and shout how faithful and good my God is before this is all done! The Word God gave me back in April 2012 about the new job said that it would allow John to be the husband and father he needed to be instead of making him choose and competing for those roles. When they offered John the job, one of the things that we loved immediately were the hours. He will get home an hour earlier than he does now! Scheduling the drop off and pick up of kids from school while working around babies I don't want to wake and naps, etc has been one of my biggest struggles! The time right after school when everyone is home, needing help with homework and I am trying to get dinner on the table is extremely stressful! Well, no more! We got on-line to look at the kids' schools! Their schedules fit perfectly with John's! The elementary starts at 7:45 and releases at 2:45. So I can drop them off while leaving the babies asleep because the big kids will still be home...they don't start school until 9:20! By then babies will be awake, and it will be no big deal to get them in the car to take the big kids! I will pick up the elementary kids and have their home work done before the big kids come home! And John will get off just in time to get to the middle school to pick up the big kids, so I only have to get out once in the afternoon! Anyone who says God isn't into the details hasn't lived a life with 8 kids! He cares about it all!
There are still some things to be worked out, like renting the house to be there when school starts, all the inspections, etc that have to be done on both houses, the sell of our buyer's house, etc, etc. But God has it! I'm not anxious....just waiting with great anticipation to see how He answers each one of these! Because He will!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Move: Living from Heaven to Earth
We are moving! John has accepted a position with the education service center in Fort Worth, and hopefully we will be in our new home by the end of this month. For that to happen we need a seller to accept our offer on a house in Fort Worth, and we need our house to sell quickly. We are calling those things down out of heaven just like we have every step of this process! And that is what is so amazing about this move...the process! It has opened a totally new level of spiritual maturity for John and I, and we will never do life the same way again! This is what I mean....
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
In April of 2012, God spoke very clearly to me that he had a new job for John. John was not unhappy at his current job. I had some frustrations with the time demands and travel, but overall, John's job was just fine. The Word was very specific, and it gave some direction as to what benefits would be from the new job. I shared it with John, and that's where it sat. There have been some things that have happened since that time that I tease John about - telling him he could've avoided them if only he had listened to God when He spoke. Who knows if we were to move on it sooner or not, but God redeems even our missed timing as long as we continue to seek Him and walk with Him. Over the course of the months since the Word came, John became increasingly restless in his job and career. About April of this year, we really started talking seriously about John changing jobs. He even looked into avenues outside of education. As soon as we knew we were serious about changing jobs, we both agreed we did not want to do this as we had in the past. We have both been learning more about living from our seated place in Heavenly places. As our pastor says, we want to live as "spirit-beings" not human beings. John and I agreed that we would listen for God's voice, listen for His direction. In the past on a decision like a job change, we would pray about it. If there was peace, and we felt God was telling us it was time to make a change, then we would look for jobs or look at what place is best for our family and then let the job offer dictate where we moved. We always had God as part of the process, and we always waited for Him to confirm what we were doing. But this time we wanted God to speak and circumstances to confirm what He said.
When John first started looking for a job, we assumed we would stay in Midland. We talked a little bit about moving, but we couldn't imagine leaving our home that we just remodeled with my dream kitchen! We also couldn't imagine leaving our families who are both with in an hours drive from us. I couldn't imagine leaving my parents who help me tremendously with the kid's doctor appointments or picking kids up when I get stuck somewhere in a meeting. We couldn't imagine moving with Addy's Hope just now seeming to take off with EIGHT families in process with the waiting child program! But mid-May I was in Fort Worth (oddly enough now!) doing an infant placement. I was driving around looking for an address (having made COUNTLESS u-turns...I'm directionally challenged and even the GPS wasn't helping me in the city!), and this voice says, "Why have you put me in a box? Why wouldn't you move?" What?! Why would we move, God? You have given me my kitchen, you have grown the agency....why would you ask me to leave that? The answer was simply, "Do you trust me, and will you go where I say go?" At the next red light, I sent John a text that simply said, "Apply where ever you feel led...let's move if we need to." Of course my phone rang fairly quickly with John on the other end wanting to know what had happened to his wife and who had her phone?!
Over the next few weeks, John and I both prayed asking for God to speak. God is teaching me so much about how I have lived with an earthly perspective versus the heavenly perspective I believe He desires His children to live by. I wanted to bring the knowledge I had gained about these truths into wisdom as I actually put them to practice and walked them out in life. John and I prayed fervently asking God to tell us whether we were to move or to stay. We didn't want to apply for any jobs or make any moves in any direction until He spoke. We started this process with NO desire to move! My prayer during this time was that I would be totally open and content to do whatever God said - go or stay! It took some time in the Word to truly put everything on the alter - especially about moving. There were mornings I literally lay on my living room floor, on my face, laying it all out there and making sure I had no agenda but what God wanted for me, and for my family. I didn't have any desire one way or the other - staying was ok - going was ok. That is how I wanted to stay so that I could truly do what God wanted. And also, I didn't want to have a desire one way or the other because I didn't want to be disappointed with what God asked of us.
This went on for a couple of weeks. No clear answers, really. Just crying out to God. About the third week of asking for answers, I began to have a desire to move. It was kind of weird as I was the one that had always fought to stay where we are! So a desire to move was kind of shocking. I would try to suppress it because if we were to stay, I didn't want to be disappointed. I kept praying that I would just want what God wanted....and then would ask Him to take the desire to move away so I wouldn't be disappointed. Now, even typing that, I see how silly it was to miss....but I did in fact miss it in the moment. It wasn't until I was at church that Sunday that I "got" it. It was during worship, and I was crying out to God...ok whining to God about the fact that He hadn't answered us. I gave the argument of how we were trying so hard to make this move with a new maturity, but He really wasn't cooperating by being silent....then He spoke. It went something like this, "HollyAnn, I have spoken. That desire you have to move, I gave that to you. I give you the desires of your heart because when you surrender to me your desires, I place within you the desire for My ways and My path. But you refuse to trust. You refuse to trust that you hear Me, and you refuse to trust that I will give you what you desire. You still have difficulty believing I want good for you and not just sacrifice." And with that, I had my answer...and some humble pie! I knew we were moving. What I didn't know was God was talking to John at the exact same time! I love how He does that! We sat down after worship, and John leans over and whispers in my ear, "By the way, we are moving."
With that answer, John began looking for jobs outside our area, and I began packing boxes. Callie asked, "Mom why are you packing boxes?" I replied, "Because we are moving." She would ask, "Where?" To which I would reply, "I don't know, but God said we are moving, so I am packing!"
I literally packed my first box the Monday following that Sunday. What I have learned over the last few months about living from Heaven to Earth is that you have to walk out the unseen for it to become the seen. Bill Johnson puts it like this, "The unseen world has influence over the visible." Circumstances did not yet say we were moving, but I knew in the unseen realm, we were moving and if I walked that out, talked that out, it would become seen. That is a truth based on Romans 4:17 when it talks about Abraham's faith and how his faith is what was credited to him as righteousness..his faith that God calls that which is not as if it is. It's what we have come to refer to around our house as "faith walking"!
We began thanking God for the job that would fulfill His Word. John began applying for jobs. He has already spoken to someone about a job locally. Not long after God told us we would move, that opportunity closed. It was the first circumstance that confirmed what God has already said! And our faith was increased!
We didn't know where we would move. I always thought if we moved, it would be to Austin. John has many connections on the state level in education - and I would love to know there was voice of reason in education in Austin! I also know that someday all we have walked with CPS will put me in some way in a place to help all those already working to transform this broken system - Austin seems like a logical place to do that. But as we prayed, we were drawn to the metroplex. John applied with a school district outside of Dallas. He got the interview. We found a house on line. I already had my furniture placed. In the 16 years I have known John, he has interviewed for many jobs! For those who didn't know us in our early years of marriage, we moved 8 times in the first 9 years of marriage. Out of all those jobs he interviewed for that would have us move that many times, he has been offered a job at every interview except one...until this job. He didn't get it. The enemy came in like a storm. The doubts started. I had already told close friends and family that we were moving. When they, like Callie, would ask where, I would respond with my "I don't know, God just said we are moving." Most of my friends know me well enough to not think I'm nuts, but I had told some friends who don't know me that well. I was trusting, hoping, believing that God would do what He had said! And trusting I had heard Him. The last time I stood in faith on something big like this against all circumstances and "seen" things, was when I said Eden would come home. The enemy took me back to that day when all that faith and believing made me doubt God even existed and for sure made me not want to do it His way. What I learned with Eden is that I had started to trust in an outcome, not in God. I had done it again with this job. I took my eyes of God and placed them on this one circumstance to prove God.
That next morning after realizing what I had done, I grabbed Bill Johnson's book When Heaven Invades Earth. I could feel the enemy taking up camp in my doubt. Thoughts like, "You'll look like a fool for telling people God told you something when it doesn't happen." or "God doesn't really work like this." or "Does God really even exist?" I knew entertaining any one of those thoughts would start the spiral to unbelief, so I cried out to God to give me something as encouragement to keep believing...and as He promises, when I sought Him, I found Him. I hate the "the book just fell open" stories, but that is what happened. I started reading right where I opened the book. The first sentence I read was, "Faith is the mirror of the heart that reflects the realities of the unseen world - the actual substance of His Kingdom. Through the prayer of faith we are able to pull the reality of His world into this one. That is the function of faith." I was reminded that there is an unseen world that is real, and that I had to keep walking it out, having faith, believing I heard God correctly and keep believing even though I did not yet see! Then reading on, the real kicker that was a hug from God letting me know I am not crazy, He is teaching me to walk in the unseen until it becomes seen...."The invisible realm is superior to the natural. The reality of that invisible world dominates the natural world we live in...both positively and negatively. Because the invisible is superior to the natural, faith is anchored in the unseen...Unbelief is anchored in what is visible or reasonable apart from God. It honors the natural realm as superior to the invisible. The apostle Paul states that what you can see is temporal, and what you can't see is eternal. Unbelief is faith in the inferior." And there I had it! What I needed to keep on. I believe in the unseen. I don't want what is seen to dictate my life! I don't want to be limited by what I can see on earth! I want His kingdom and His will as it is in heaven for my life here on earth....and God is teaching me that it is possible!
Throughout the rest of the process, I refused to waiver in my belief! There were days that I wondered. There were days that I was tired of believing and things looked impossible. The timing of interviews and the thoughts of what to do about Addy's Hope would threaten to overtake my faith that I had heard God and we were moving. But when those moments would come, I would find a scripture that God has given me on the journey...like Hebrews 11:6 that says without faith it is impossible to please God and I must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek him earnestly. I would use my voice to thank God for the job He already had for John. I thanked Him for the home He already had lined up for us in our new destination. I thanked Him for what the move would mean for Addy's Hope. I told Him I trust Him with the agency and whatever the move means, I know it's for the good of His ministry! Then I would go pack a box or clean out a closet that needed to be cleaned for the house to go on the market. It is really impossible to be depressed or discouraged about circumstances when you are working based on what you have faith will happen instead of what you "see" with your eyes on circumstances. It is impossible to be discouraged and depressed when I am thanking God for the blessings He has told me are coming! During the weeks of waiting for the circumstances to line up with what God had said, I knew John and I had matured a little...ok, a lot...and we might not have to go around the proverbial mountain anymore in some areas of our faith! It has become a joke over the course of our nearly 16 year marriage that when we didn't get what we were hoping for, we would go buy something...like a room of furniture! When the first job fell through, we didn't buy a single thing...instead we cleaned out our closets so the house could go on the market!
So many times during this process, I wanted to take you guys on the journey with me and start blogging! However, with the circumstances of both of our jobs, we really couldn't go totally public until we knew the timing of the move. I wanted to blog through the process not after it was done, so forgive me if this is I jump around...there is so much God has taught me in this process that has encouraged me...and I pray it encourages you in whatever promise you are waiting for!
John continued to look for jobs, I continued packing boxes and getting projects done on the house that we knew would have to be done to put it on the market. In fact, we had already talked that as soon as it was ready to show, we would put it on the market with or without a job. It was funny because our kids started telling people, "we are moving...we don't know where..God just said we are moving!" God really showed me during this process how much our walking out our faith truly impacts our kids.
As John looked at jobs all over the state, God began to be more specific in His directions. We both were drawn to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, but there were some really good jobs coming up in other places. It finally got to a point that John would tell me about a job...one in particular was very good financially, and had a lot of what he was looking for in a job...but it wasn't in the metroplex. I knew it wasn't the job.
There was a job that John had told me about pretty early in the process, however, it was similar to the job he has now and includes the every other month trip to Austin for three days. When he first told me about the job, I said, "No way! You are not going to move me away from my support system and then continue to leave me every other month!" So John didn't pursue it any further. He had already found out that the time line was going to be a little longer than we had hoped, but he really just put it aside because of my statements. A couple of weeks went by, and there were not many more jobs coming up. I went to God and asked why He wasn't providing the job if we were to move. He then reminded me of the job I had immediately, in the flesh, told John he couldn't take! Ouch! I went back to John and explained that I had reacted in the flesh and had not prayed at all about that job. I had to repent before God and John! John explained that it was a job he would enjoy and would have great opportunities in the near future. So we agreed to apply....and that is the job he is going to! I look back on that and know I learned a valuable lesson...walking in the flesh and in circumstances will always have the potential to cause me to miss God's plan and His blessing!
We continue to watch as circumstances line up with what God has already said. It has taken me several days to get all of this typed up and in that time, we have put a contract on a house in Ft. Worth...not just any house..the one house that all our kids loved! It is John's dream house, and has the backyard that I have longed to have for our kids. It has a pool, a fort and still tons of room for running and a trampoline! It has a huge driveway that is perfect for basketball! It has 6 bedrooms and still has room for the kids to have their own area which was important for me as they get older and I want our house to be the hang out!
We are still waiting for our house to sell, but neither one of us have any anxiety about it! When you operate from heaven to earth, when you trust what God said will happen, you just continue to walk it out believing by faith that He will do what ever it takes to make it work! It is such a peaceful place to live!
We are so thankful for the lessons God has taught us in this process. We know this will forever be a milestone in our spiritual lives! We still don't have all the answers...like what will Addy's Hope really look like...but even that is coming into view with what will have to be another blog post...
I just want to encourage you to start looking at your life from a heavenly view! Don't look at what circumstances say here on earth! Seek God. Listen to His voice. And then act based on what He says ignoring anything that is earthly that contradicts His voice! It works! I can testify!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Trust ME
I lay awake last night about 2 am. I woke up wondering when the baby would be ready to be fed. We currently have custody of our two grand-babies, ages 5 weeks and almost one year. Maybe I will some day be able to tell the story of how they came to be with us, but for now, I can only share it has been a heartbreaking journey that I don't understand. But they are safe, and that is what is important. I lay awake last night going through all the scenarios that the future could hold. From the beginning of this journey that ended in us being granted custody, the only answer God would give as I cried out for wisdom and direction was, "Trust Me.." That's it. A simple whisper each time:
Trust Me
There was never a direction of "do _______" throughout this entire process. Just "Trust Me...." We did, and He provided at each step of the way exactly what we needed: wisdom, connections, timing, diapers, formula, clothes, baby swing, bouncy seat, a friend to stay with the 8 kids four of whom are three and under so I could go work a few hours and have a quiet lunch. So as I lay awake last night contemplating all the ways this could turn out in the end, I was not surprised to once again hear, "Trust Me...." I kind of flippantly replied, with my "sure...." But immediately the rebuke of the Holy Spirit followed: "I didn't say trust Me that they will stay with you, I didn't say trust Me because your heart will be safe and not shattered. I said trust Me. That means you trust in Me...not in an outcome."
Immediately, I felt the panic rise! Ever since I knew we would be taking the babies into our home, I have wrestled with the "what ifs" of them being taken out of my life again. I am so tired of heartbreak. I am so weary of battles. I have felt a divine peace with them in our home. There have been times when the anxiety would start to creep in, but the small whisper would say, "Trust Me...." and the peace would return. Last night I realized I had started to take that as a confirmation that the children would stay with us, and God quickly reminded me He had not promised that. Now I am not saying that He was saying the children will not stay with us, my Father who knows my heart, who knows my previous struggles, knew where my trust was being placed. Trust is defined by Miriam-Webster's on-line dictionary as "assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; or as one in which confidence is placed." God knew I was beginning to place my confidence in them staying...and my peace was coming from the "confidence" (mis-placed confidence!) that the children would stay with me and my heart would not be shattered once more. In the quiet of the morning hours, God asked me again to trust HIM! He asked, "If they go back, will you trust Me? Will you trust that I am still sovereign? Will you trust that I am still good? Will you still rely on my character, ability and strength and continue to walk in relationship with me?" I wish I could say I immediately repented and answered with a resounding and confident, YES, Lord! But that was not exactly how it went! The tears came. My heart ached at the thought. But in the end, I laid those babies on the proverbial alter and agreed that I would walk this path in full trust and obedience of my Lord! I would trust and stand in belief that no matter what happens, God is good, God is faithful, God is kind, God is loving. I chose in that moment to put my trust - my assured reliance on the character and my confidence in - God....not an outcome, but in God!
Today that trust was challenged. We had a meeting that brought the reality of the future into greater clarity. I don't know what will happen in the end, but I know I will choose to trust Him with it all! I will choose to believe He is for me and not against me!
I have prayed Psalm 91 almost daily for the past two years. Verse 2 says, "I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress. My God in Whom I trust!" And to that I say - Amen and Amen!
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