God speaks, are we listening?

This past week has been a difficult and challenging one! Despite the much needed vacation the first part of the week! John and I were able to go on a retreat for his work without children for three days. It was a much needed mini-vacation!



We are still walking out this journey that I have been talking about. I get resolved that we are to continue, I even get excited about parts of it. Then something happens. My eyes look down - I lose focus of the Author and Perfecter of my faith - and I get scared! All the fears and doubts rush in and I become a basket case. All peace leaves. I stomp my foot on the ground and scream, "I'm not going to do it! I am not going to take on this task that has the potential to destroy me, my marriage, my family, etc, etc." (By the way, I don't really recommend stomping your foot at God and telling Him no! However, I do know that my God is big enough to handle it and likes it when I am real with Him...then He can deal with me!)



My struggle is internal. We had an AMAZING discussion last night at our small group about trust. We are doing a wonderful study at our church on trust. I will post the link for the pod casts. I highly recommend them if you want to go further with God. If you don't, then don't listen to them! There really should be a warning on them that says, "Warning: Will most likely rock your world if you listen and obey!"



Even though my struggle is internal, over the past week, I have externalized it. Let me explain. When something happened in my physical world that fed my doubts and fears, I would lash out at that thing/person. I will be apologizing to my family this evening for many times this past week that I was not kind! I am struggling with physical fatigue right now in a new and very frustrating way! How in the world will I do this thing God says to do when I am so tired now that I don't get the tasks completed that I need to today? He wants me to do more?!



Yes! He does! I realized in our small group discussion that this is once again a trust issue with me and God. I have been looking at it as I don't have the faith. We talked last night about the difference between faith and trust. We talked about that faith is the belief (Heb 11:1), but trust is the walking out of that belief! I prayed early on in this journey for God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to do some writing because I didn't have the faith to walk this road. He answered that prayer. He gave me the faith. So I said yes, and we continued. However, with each step in faith, I must trust more! There in lies the problem with externalizing my struggle! If I struggle with the people in my life feeling like they don't support me, then I am "trusting" in them to make this thing happen or work. If I struggle with the fatigue and how I will accomplish all that it will require, then I am trusting in my own physical strength. These are all misplaced trusts! God is calling me to trust Him and Him alone!



I thought I was past my trust issues. And I am...in some areas! Now God is stretching me further. He is asking me to trust Him even more! He is asking me to not look at circumstances, to not look at people, to not even look at myself except that I have willing heart, but to look at Him! To keep my eyes on the prize! Why is that so hard?!



Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. God took me there this morning and then to chapter 12. I have thrown a fleece for this thing he has asked us to do. I have never thrown out a fleece in my life, but I felt I needed that much of a tangible to move on in this...when Gideon threw a fleece in Judges 6, it was because he lacked faith to believe what God was telling him. That was exactly where I was with God. God answered with affirmation that we were to move forward. So my faith was increased. I thought I was home free!



But as the day of fulfillment of this calling comes close and closer, I find it harder and harder to keep walking. That frustrates me with myself! But God is so gracious! I have prayed many times for him to confirm for me that his is what He wants us to do. Even after He answered the fleece throw! (Not exactly sure that is the right lingo for that!). But again this morning, my Heavenly Father, Abba, who loves me enough to take me to His word and confirm again this call He has given us, has greatly encouraged me. It is a crucial reminder that throughout this journey, I must keep my eyes on Him! I am so thankful that I serve a God who never gets tired of me asking for His confirmation as I take each step of this journey!



So for those reading this who wonder what in the world I mean when I say, "God speaks?" Let me explain with practical application to my conversation with God this morning.



I started by asking Him to encourage me in the walk before me today. I asked Him to confirm for me that the direction we are walking is His path. Then I started my Bible study that we are doing. This week it is on discipline, so there were a lot of references to Hebrews 12. After I finished the study, I felt I needed more of God's Word this morning...just Him...not a study that talked about the Word, but The Word itself speaking into me. So I went to Hebrews. I started in 11 because as I stated earlier, that has long been one of if not the favorite chapter!



As I read verse 6 - and without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder for hose who seek Him - God said, Stop. Listen. There was a stirring in my spirit as I read those words. I started thinking about the last part and realized that my old doubts about God's goodness that stem from Eden not coming home and a few other situations that made me doubt God's goodness have resurfaced and the enemy is using those to make me doubt this path God has me on. The enemy is sneaky! He gets in your head and places little bits of truth. Like - "yeah, God will walk with you, but will He make it easy?" And - "if it is too much, you can just tell God no - His grace will cover that". There are bits of truth in each of those statements, but there is also a big twist on that truth. As I read Hebrews 11:6, The Holy Spirit wrote it on my heart. He gave me peace as I read that God does reward those who seek Him. If I say yes, there will be a reward! That reward may not be here on earth, but there IS a reward! Get behind me satan!!!! One for the Heavenly Team!



Encouraged, I continue reading. As I read verses 15 & 16, again, I feel the Holy Spirit fill me with peace and a little bit of rebuke, so I stop. "And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them." A question pops into my head - "are you looking back at the "city" you came from where you were enslaved to fear and doubts and mistrust of God? Don't you want to go to the city God has prepared for you - a better country?!" I had to answer, YES! But God didn't stop there! This is what makes me know that I know God is real! Words that were written 2000 years ago can speak to exactly where I am today! Out of all the pages and words in the Bible, God brought me right here, TODAY! As I asked for encouragement and confirmation! Only a Supernatural God could answer that request - maybe chance could make it happen once or twice in a lifetime, but this happens day after day after day as I spend time with God and dig into His word! I get to Hebrews 12:25 - See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. - Doesn't get any plainer than that folks! I often say that I just wish God would send me a text or e-mail! Well, I think He did today! The text came via the service provider called The Holy Spirit and my "phone" was my Bible! It was as plain as if it were those letters were rolling across my phone screen! But He didn't' stop there! God knows I'm dense! He was going to make sure I didn't miss the point this morning! I finished out Hebrews and read chapter 13.



I have mentioned before in my posts about this path we are on right now that I have never felt more ill-equipped for anything He has called us to. I never felt equipped for the agency, but this is even bigger. The consequences of faliure far greater and much more personal. But once again, that is a trust issue...trusting in myself and not God. But does God get mad that I am not trusting? Not my loving Abba! Instead, he sent me another "text"! (Pun intended!) Hebrews 13:20-21 ~ "Now the God of Peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ..." Oh how I love God's word and the fact that the Holy Spirit resides in me to teach me truth! God will equip me! I don't have to be equipped right now! The God of peace will equip me...I can rest in peace in that! The same God whose power raised Jesus from the dead will equip me! If he can raise the dead, is there anything could happen on this earth that He could not handle and help me get through? NO!!!! I will daily fight the battle in my mind that tells me I can't do this - You have said I can through You! I will daily battle the thoughts that satan places that make me doubt God's goodness in this situation. I will hourly defeat the fear that rises up in me as I think of the practical day to day life this new path will put us on! How will I do that? By hiding these Words He has given me in my heart! By telling myself over and over that He will equip me! He told me so (Heb 13:20)! By telling satan I will not go back to the city from which I came that was filled with doubt and fear and mistrust! I will press forward to the new county that God has for me - the one flowing with milk and honey - and I will trust Him to take me there no matter who or what circumstances threaten to block my path (Heb 11:15-16)! I will not walk in a way that makes God ashamed, but instead, I will walk the path that makes God look at Jesus, jab him in the side with His Holy elbow and say, "That's my daughter!" as he grins from ear to ear!

Praise You, Father! How I love you! Let's get to walking!

This Far

There seems to be a theme in my life, well I guess it should always be a them, so maybe a better thing to say is that God seems to be trying to teach me a truth about life in Him! I have said before that I know if I can do life on my own, I will. I hate that about my flesh, but I have seen me do it too many times to not recognize it.

People have asked so many times (and I have blogged about it previously) how I do what I do. It is ONLY through the power of Christ and the DAILY leaning on Him that I can parent six children, be wife to John and attempt to run a ministry. Anytime I get to a place that I feel like, "I can do this!", God says, "I know YOU can, so let's take another step of faith. I need you to TRUST ME, not do anything in your own strength!" John and I are at one of those places right now. I am not ready to make public the decision we are wrestling with, but let me just say that to me, it looks impossible! I have no idea how we would ever accomplish it without scarificing too much! I am usually the one initiating the crazy ideas and telling everyone, "WE CAN DO THIS!" This time, I am the one digging my heels in and saying, "No way!" I even uttered the words to John, "Even if God says we are to do ______, I think I will have to tell Him no." Dangerous place to be! Not one of my prouder moments! But I am scared! But God does not give us a Spirit of fear! So fear is not from Him. So when fear rears its head, I have to take it captive and make it obedient to God's word!

So what's the theme? It's what I am studying in my current Bible Study, Anointed, Transformed, and Redeemed. It is that God wants me to go so far that I have to say, I am only here because of God! I could never have gotten "here" without Him. And more importantly, other people will see the situation and say the same thing!

I go to church yesterday pretty well resolved that I am telling God, No! on this one. In case you have never tried to tell God No!, let me just tell you, He doesn't take NO! for an answer! During worship we sung one of my favorite songs, I don't know the title, but it starts out Jesus, the Most Beautiful Names of All Names...and then it goes to "Be Exalted". I am raising my hands and singing with my whole heart, "Be Exalted!" and the Holy Spirit says, "Do you mean it?!" Of course I do! I have no greater desire than to see God be exalted in my life and the life of my family! That is truly my motivation for why I do what I do! And immediately, the Spirit rebuked me and reminded me of my answer the night before. So I sat down and got out a piece of paper and wrote down, "God cannot be exalted unless we say yes to the things He asks us to do that takes us beyond ourselves. Anything I can do in my own strength is not exalting God but possibly myself." Then I wrote out how that applied directly to the situation that John and I have been praying about.

Well, little did I know that this was just the beginning! I knew the title of the sermon, but it went in a direction that I had not seen from the title! It was on redemption....but it was on how we, the Body of Christ are in the redemption business because God is in the redemption business. Pastor Daniel brought one of the best, and possibly THE best message I have heard as it applies to the Body of Christ and our responsibilities as such. One of the points was that redemption is costly. It cost God His Son! So why am I not willing to pay whatever price I need to redeem the situations or people around me? That is, after all, how the world will see Jesus in the Body!

John was out of town, so I was there with all the kids. I didn't have any responsibilities second service, so I found a place to sit and wrote out some thoughts on what we have been praying about. I said, YES! I am still battling fear. I have NO IDEA how this will work, but I know it will take God! There are still some things that need to happen in order for this thing to be a reality, but I know I will not stop the ball from rolling myself. If God doesn't want this thing to come to fruition, He will have to be the one to stop if. I am moving forward.

Even knowing that and having the revelation yesterday, I find myself this morning asking God for direction. I am sure He is slapping his head and saying, "Did I not give it to you yesterday?" Like I say to my kids so many times, "Were you not listening?!"

How many times does God give us answers, but because they are hard or maybe not what we want, we just keep asking for an answer? "That couldn't be you!" What do you REALLY want me to do here? Are we really willing to do what He says? That is the bottom line! Are we willing to pay the cost to see Him exalted and redeem those around us for the Kingdom? I want to be one who say, YES! to all of those!

The thing I don't want to do...

It's 11:34
I can't sleep
My house is quiet
My mind will not be

There is something I need to do
Something I don't want to do
Something I have needed to do for some time
Something I don't know how to do
Something that has grown harder with each step
Even as I got out of bed knowing I wouldn't sleep until it was done...
I found things to do to procrastinate doing it
Like totally messing up my blog while trying to redesigning it

I can put it off no longer
Slow obedience is no obedience
God has said to do it
I must do it
I don't know how
I sit with my Bible beside me
I will read until I know how
Until I have the words and more than that, the strength

It is a good thing
It is a God thing
More good than not
so many questions
So few answers

It is time
"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." ~Isaiah 7:9
Lord, help my unbelief!

Happy Birthday, Ava Claire!

Four years ago today joy was born into my heart again!
Many of our friends now did not know us four years ago. They didn't know us when we walked the journey preceding Ava. So I figured on her birthday, I would reflect a little on just what God did through Miss Ava!
I went to Sierra Leone, West African in June/July 2005. I went to complete the adoption of our surviving twin, Eden. I was there three weeks. I fell madly in love with a little girl that I had to leave behind...having her ripped off my neck the last time I saw her thinking I would return in three days to get her. That was almost five years ago, and is still the last image I have of her.
What that trip did to me was life changing. Not for the better at the beginning. But after wrestling with God that has left me with a limp, it changed me for the better. Mainly, it taught me to trust in God, not an outcome! My faith is not in outcomes, but in the God that provides the outcomes!
In the months following my return without Eden, hope was hard to find and joy was even more elusive! I read the scriptures that said God offered the abundant life, but I had just walked the most faith filled journey of my life only to have it end in what I viewed as total disaster. I truly was at the biggest crisis of faith I have had thus far. For the first time in my life I wasn't sure God even existed much less cared about little 'ol me!
Just two months after returning from Sierra Leone, John and I were arguing about who would go back to get Eden. I was determined that I would since she had already bonded with me. I don't even remember the reasons why he thought he should go. All I know is that we were still making plans for one of us to fly back and pick her up as soon as the Embassy had finished their field investigation and gave us the green light! Then I started feeling extremely exhausted! We were using preventative measures, so I couldn't really wrap my head around being pregnant...besides; we still had a four year old who was coming home any day now! I couldn't handle that many preschoolers and be pregnant!

I kept putting the signs off as stress. But one night, I decided to find out for sure. Hadn't even told John that I suspected anything. When that little line showed up, I was stunned! So I went into John about 2 or 3 in the morning and flipped on the light (I always seem to tell him about my pregnancies in the middle of the night!) and said, "Well, it looks like you win, you will be going to get Eden!", then showed him the test. He sat straight up in bed and said, "What?!" So I said it all again as it soaked in for him.
We were excited, but still shocked and not sure how we would do it financially, emotionally or physically! But as always, we saw today, God saw tomorrow.
Just two months after we found out that Ava was on her way, we would receive the devastating news that Eden would probably not come home, and in January 2006 we would receive the definite "no" to our visa request. Without living in Sierra Leone for 6 months, my baby girl who bonded from the start and called me momma and held on to me with all the might her weak little arms could muster that last time I would see her would not be coming home. I was quite sure that life would end. I wasn't sure how to go on....then I would remember the life growing inside of me. The life that we hadn't planned, but that God had placed there as a magnificent surprise. In those moments, all I could think was that I had a life inside of me to protect. Getting too upset or distraught would put that life at risk, at least in my mind. So I knew I had to put one foot in front of the other.
As the months went on and my belly grew, my emotions were a mess. We had waited over a year and a half for Eden, and now she would not be coming home. A friend who was adopting at the same time from Sierra Leone and I would say it was like being eternally pregnant! We kept expecting, but no birth! There was an irrational part of me that wondered if at the end of nine months I would really have a baby or if the doctors would say, “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t really mean May! Please fill out this other stack of papers and we will set a new date!” I still had the experience of my first pregnancy when we lost our baby that haunted me also. Being pregnant didn’t mean a baby at the end anymore than adoption did! I was scared to hope, scared to feel, but most of all scared to trust!
That morning as they prepped me for the c-section, I was so ready to meet my baby girl! But as they took me into the delivery room, anxious doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. The longer it took that anesthesiologist to get my spinal finished, the less I could breath. They hadn’t let John come in with me while they were prepping me. I think I asked the nurse 10 times if they had gone to get him yet. When he finally was allowed in, I was a mess! My usually strong woman demeanor left and all I could say to him was don’t leave me! Stay right here (which meant that he couldn’t look over the sheet and give me a play by play of this birth as he had Callie…..but he had already been instructed not to do that even if I was not a mess….no woman needs to hear her husband say, “they just put your stomach on your chest!”) .
It seemed like it took forever for them to get her out. When they finally did, I heard a cry that was full of gurgle and not clear at all…but in that moment, I was filled with joy and peace! All fear was gone. It was as if her birth brought back the joy that had been taken from me with the past two years of losing Eden and Addy! Dr. Nabulsi quickly showed me a very blue little face and rushed off to the nursery. I didn’t really get to see her, but knew from the color, she needed to get to the nursery so just kissed what skin I could see and told them to go.
As I have shared this story over the years, I am always quick to point out that no child can replace another. Ava in no way “replaced” Eden or Addy. I still ache from time to time to hold Eden in my arms and wonder if God’s plan will someday include her living in our home as a physical part of our family (for she will always be my daughter whether I ever lay eyes on her again or not!) And Addy’s life was snuffed out way too quickly…yet I see the impact her life had on so many through Addy’s Hope. So while Ava could not replace them, she represented something priceless from a Heavenly Father who loves me more than I could ever love any of these girls or ever even comprehend! Ava was a promise that life would go on! I would not die from a broken heart. Her first cry brought a promise that joy would return and life would be full and abundant again! Even through the next 36 hours that required her to be under oxygen, I had no doubts. The moment she breathed her first breath of air on this earth, God touched me in a way He hadn’t before. I can’t say that my trust had been fully restored, as I still struggle through that with Him, but I knew He loved me and had not forgotten me as I had so often wondered over the past years!
Every time I look at Ava’s sweet smile, I am reminded that God knew when He ordered her to be knit in my womb that I would need her as a reminder over the next year that God loves me and intends for life to continue after heartache and devastation! She is a reminder that God holds the future in His hands and has perfect plans that I can never imagine!
So today, my precious Ava, I celebrate your life! A life that has taught me to love deeper and trust fuller! Happy Birthday, Baby A! Mommy loves you!

Quotes that Speak

I am reading several books right now, and I love quotes that stand out. So I will share some with you guys!

"I'm not sure we're ever in a more uncomfortable predicament than when we discern evil in someone who other people esteem. At no time should we be more prayerful or careful to search our own sin-driven souls." ~Beth Moore in Esther

"Commit your works to the Lord and your plans will be established." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 16

"The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, But He loves one who pursues righteousness." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 15

"The enemy goes after the defenseless when the strong are weak." ~ Beth Moore in Esther video session two

"He who walks in integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 10

"You will never be more prone to attack than when God pulls you out of where you are and puts you on a wilderness road to where you are going, but you are not there yet." ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"Life in the Spirit is like riding a bicycle - balance is everything. One can fall off on either side...If we ran out of gas on the way to a conference, "the devil didn't want us to get there." I've since come to realize that if you don't pay attention to the fuel gauge, you're not under attack, you're underinteligent." ~ Guy Chevereau in Spiritual Warfare: Sideways

"You will be victorious when you are fighting an enemy of God!" ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"When we're afraid, we don't just forfeit our peace and well-being; we ultimately give the devil the attention he seeks. Our 'afraidness' is the corrupt, distorted worship he craves." ~Guy Chevereau in Spiritual Warfare: Sideways

"There is nothing meaner than a coward - they won't fight face to face." ~ Beth Moore Esther video session two

"Holiness is not the luxury of the few. It is a simple duty for you and for me. If there are poor in the world it is because you and I don't give enough." ~Mother Teresa

"Do not be afraid of sudden fear nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes; for the Lord will be your confidence and ill keep your foot from being caught." ~ Solomon in Proverbs 3

"Humans can gossip like frogs eat flies." ~ Beth Moore in Esther

"Satan has a theory that he's banked his entire accuser's career on: Even the strong grow weak. True enough, but this, Beloved One, is also true: Even the weak grow strong if they set their minds to it." ~ Beth Moore in Esther