Hi, My name is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary....

Hi, my names is HollyAnn, and I am a visionary! So what that really means in my world is that I can dream great big huge dreams, but I have a really difficult time getting from here to there! If you need faith to believe something can happen, then I am your girl! If you need an action plan to get there, well, you're out of luck here.

I LOVE the new year. I love that it is a clean slate, a fresh beginning, a new start to dream big dreams. But in reality, those dreams usually fall flat sometime around January 2. Maybe not quite that soon, but you know what I mean.

We have been in a season of trauma and survival for about the past 5 years. We didn't know that was what we were in while we were in it, but looking back we see that clearly. So the last few months have been spent in lots of introspection. There is need for change in a lot of areas. That makes me even more excited about the new year approaching. But I want it to be different this time. I want the dreams to become reality and not just a pipe dream. So I am doing something different.

While I dream big, I often don't ever even get those dreams narrowed down to a vision (God has brought to mind Proverbs 29:18 many times lately ~ Where there is no vision, the people parish KJV), and rarely if ever get that vision narrowed down to tangible goals, and action steps - well - they just don't usually exist in my life. And that is why most of my new year starts ends rather quickly.  But this year I am trying a new thing.  If you are like me and have a really hard time taking your great dreams down to action steps, can I recommend a couple of blog posts from heart.love.always that have really rocked my world! I am loving the practical advise she gives and have clear action steps for my 2016 dreams and goals! Feel free to comment with some of your goals and action steps! My first one is losing 80 pounds this year...and there is the public accountability for that goal! Ready to make 2016 the best year ever!!!

Here are the links to her blog posts!

Smart Approach to Goal Setting

The Top 3 Approach to Goal Planning

Unfulfilled Dreams

John and I are doing an amazing marriage class called Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans. One of the discussion questions was "What unfulfilled dreams do you have for yourself? Do you believe these dreams represent God's desire for you?" Normally, I would think this would take a while for me to think about, but this morning I wrote down three immediately. If you knew the internal battle over the past two to three weeks, you would know how divinely inspired my answer is! So this is what I wrote down:

1. My masters in counseling
2. licensed domestic adoption agency
3. speaker/author
4. maternity home

Now here's the catch. With my thought patterns and actions over the past two to three weeks, I will NEVER attain any of these! Why? Well because all of these will take divine power, strength and wisdom to obtain while being wife to John and mother to 7 children. It will take believing that God knows more than I do! It will take understanding that He has a plan that doesn't look like mine. I've never had "career" goals! My career plan was get married and have babies. PERIOD! Goal accomplished, right?! Well, somewhere along the way, God started twitching that plan. And I still struggle with it. When all children are grown, I would have no problem pursuing these dreams. However, God repeatedly tells me, that some of them are for now. I just don't see how that is possible! But He knows. I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. For He honors obedience over sacrifice. So the answer to the second part of that question is most definitly YES! They are divinly inspired as I still can't wrap my head around them truly being possible, and I am a safe "dreamer", only God would put anything in my head that is above what "I" can do! That way HE gets the glory!

The last two weeks have been full of thoughts that nothing God promises comes to pass. It's been a time of doubt, crisis of faith, wondering what the future holds. Lots of fear. Since God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, I have no doubt where, or who these thoughts were coming from! But even knowing that, I couldn't shake it. For whatever reason, this morning, I have more clarity of thought!

Over the past two weeks as I have struggled with faith, belief, trust, obedience (the list goes on and on), there has been a consistent voice saying, "It is all to get you off track. The enemy is deceiving. As long as you believe, you will be defeated. You cannot accomplish all I have for you with these thoughts." This morning, as I actually wrote down the unfulfilled dreams that I have, all that there is to lose became amazingly clear. The stakes are too high! I must overcome the doubts and lies! My family and those God will put in my path depend on it. Not to mention, wrestling with lies and doubt are a pretty miserable existence!

Excited to go to church this morning and worship and praise!!!! Have so much to praise Him for this morning! Stay tuned...I think this wild ride called life is about to be turned up a notch!!!!

Dreams Do Come True!

Haven't blogged in awhile...been in quite a fog and haven't had lucid enough thoughts to put them down! Hope this means the end of blogger's block! :)

We have a tradition on my birthday that we take a picture of me with the kiddos! It is about the only pictures I am in since I am usually taking the pictures. So this tradition will help the kids know they had a mom when they look through albums in years to come!

I was posting the one from today (b-day is tomorrow, but we celebrated with my parents today) on facebook, and I was just overcome with emotions...one being gratitude! As I looked at those 4 faces stacked one on top of the other, I realize that so many of my childhood dreams have come true! I wanted a multi-racial family before multi-racial families were much of a reality around me! As I look at the faces of my children, I see God's love for us! He doesn't care about skin color or how we got where we are, He loves us all the same! Just like I do my kids!

I have been attracted to African American children all my life! I have always thought there was no cuter baby on earth than a little African American baby...and now, there is a sweet little face just like that in the faces of my children!

I used to say I wanted 12 kids. Everyone told me I would change my mind after I had my first. I did for about 6 months. But then I was ready to talk about more kids. By the time I got to adulthood, I had said I wanted 4 kids: two boys and two girls! And that is exactly what I have!

Dreams really do come true!!!

Thank you, God, for my precious children! I don't deserve any of them, but You have trusted Them to me for this short time to train them in Your ways! I pray You can repair the damage I do and reclaim the ground I lose with them! Make me the mommy I need to be to teach and train each of them to be the warriors you need them to be for Your Kingdom!

DId you hear the shouts??!!!

It is sent! The application and policies and procedures have been sent! I am pretty sure no matter where you live you could have heard the shouts when I clicked the "send" button! I found the paper where I attended my original informational meeting with Texas licensing for child placing agencies. It was October 2004! So four years later, a dream is coming true!

When we started Addy's Hope, Texas would not license internationally only agencies. We started talking to licensing again in 2007, but again they were not sure what to do with international only. Now, we are finally there! In 90 days either our doors will shut or a dream will come true! And considering the battles that have hit us over the past two weeks, I believe God is doing something big and a dream and fulfillment of God's plan for me will be fulfilled! I cannot even tell you the feelings running through me right now!

Along with that letter from my October 2004 meetings, I found the plane reservations for the trip to Austin where the meeting was. It reminded me of what God has done! Let me just share with you the testimony of what God can do!

You see, I went from teacher to stay at home mom, and now I had to attend a professional meeting! I was scared to death! I had absolutely no confidence in myself to even go to the meeting and represent Addy's Hope well. Now comes the funny part! I made the plane reservation on line for my trip. I was so proud of myself! I had signed up for the meeting, and I was on my way! I got in bed relishing in all that I had accomplished. As I was talking to John I said something like, "I arrive in Houston at 9:00..." As soon as it was out of my mouth I realized what I had done! That ticket I was so proud of myself for booking was to Houston, and the meeting was in Austin! So any self confidence I might have had down in my little toe, ran plum out right then! I was able to get the ticket switched and was on my way to Austin.

I still struggle with believing I can do this...so writing 80 pages of policies and procedures totally on my own truly is a miracle!! I am so excited! Not just because I have finished the policies and procedures, but if God can take me where he has over the past 5 years, what will the next five bring?

As I have battled over the past two years with my calling in adoption and specifically the fierce battle in Liberia, I have so many times asked why God hasn't done something. Why did He not move the hearts of men to open adoptions yet? Why did He not silence all the people who have struck me with their words? Why would he not wait to call me to this until after all my children are grown or at least all in school? Over the past 6 weeks, I have heard God tell me over and over again, "The miracle I want to perform is to equip you to do all that I have called you to." That may not sound like much of a miracle, but if you knew how ill equipped I feel to do any of what God has called me to, you would understand! All I have begged for is for God to let me out...to let me take an easier road. When I was on my face at the end of myself, I know He said, "Now, let me carry you! Let me show you just what I can do through you since I have you out of the way!" Ever since that day, He has amazed me! Things that I told John over and over that he would have to do because I couldn't (like write policies) I have now accomplished; and I know it is only because God has equipped me in His own miraculous way! And even better than that is all that I have done since allowing Him to work in me and no longer asking to be let out or begging for a miracle to make it easier, I have done with JOY! I LOVED writing the policies! The time crunches were a little difficult at times, but the actual act of writing them was enjoyable to me!

So I believe I have witnessed a miracle in completing the policies and procedures. To God be the glory!!! Can't wait to see what He does next!

Always getting ahead

One of my biggest faults is that I am always trying to get ahead of God. He gives me a vision or a direction, and I run with it! However, many times, I run with it on my time table with my plan...and no, that isn't working too well for me!

As I walk this crazy life trying to figure out how to determine God's will and timing instead of my own, I picked up a book by Stormie OMartian called Just Enough Light fr the Step I'm On. It has been a really good book. I mentioned it in the post about the peace with Ava's medical tests. If you have read any of Stormie's writing, you know she is pretty blunt! She doesn't really sugar coat anything. There are a few things that I don't know that I agree with on a theological level...or maybe just more of a disagreement on where she places emphasis, but she has some really good and amazing points! Here are a few that have really spoken to me!

• "The wilderness is where God takes us when He wants to get Egypt out f our hearts. He wants t separate us from all that we crave, s that all we crave is Him. Just as God wanted to get the taste of Egypt out of the Israelites' mouths, He wants to get the lust fr certain comforts our of our appetites, too. It's not that He doesn't want us to ever be comfortable. It's just that He doesn't want us to depend on the comfortable. He wants us to depend on Him. He doesn't want us to love the comforts more than we love Him. When God aims us in a new direction, we have to let go of what we've known, be willing to embrace the unfamiliar, and trust that He will sustain us on the journey."
• "God wants us to surrender our dreams because we can't be led by Him if we are chasing after a dream of our own making....The dream has to be realized His way."
• "Where there is no vision, the people parish" Prov 29:18 - reminds me of the general public of Liberia! We've got to change that!
• From the chapter, "Expecting a Call": "I've seen many people who were too busy, too drugged out, too tired, to preoccupied, or to in pursuit of riches and fame to hear God calling them. Others were afraid they might be called to insignificance and s they didn't want to know about it. I've known others still who clearly heard the call of God and ran away from it. The direct line from heaven was ringing and they turned up the volume on their lives so they wouldn't have to hear Gd and answer. I've also known people with such a low opinion of themselves that they didn't believe God had them destined for anything great. So when the call came, they thought it must be fr somebody else and didn't respond.
• "The only reason it appears that some people are "more called" by God then others is that they were expecting the call and answered it."

Pretty powerful stuff if I can just apply it! :)

A tormented mind

It is 1:00 am. I am over the jet lag, but no where near over the injustices I witness on so many levels when in Liberia.
Callie came in over an hour ago to tell me Bella was scratching on her door. Bella is outside now, but I can't go back to sleep. My mind will not stop. When Callie came in, she woke me from a dream. The second dream since returning home that keeps me fighting for the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Math 26:41).
The dreams: The first one was Tuesday night. I went to bed ready to just "wait". Not using it as an excuse to quit, just not sure where to turn. Wait on a particular issue. In the early morning hours, I had a dream. Amos and I were in a valley, no, really more like a pit in the earth. We were rolling around in a large tube that reminded me of the stuff those inflatable jumpers are made from. We were rolling from village to village gathering children. When we would have the children, we would roll to our headquarters where we would take the children and put them in the ceiling through ceiling tiles. Someone was taking the children from us in the ceiling and making sure they were safe once there. Then we would get in the tube and roll to the next village. On and on it went all the while an army surrounded the top of the pit. They were firing arrows at us. At first the tube kept us hidden. But by the end of the dream, it didn't hide us, it just protected us from the arrows. I woke from that dream and came to my Bible study chair and wrote it all down and pleaded with God for understanding, wisdom and the strength to fight. I went back to sleep knowing that "wait" was not what God intended for this time!

Tonight, the dream is similar. Only this time it is not just children. It is all of Liberia that is uneducated and discriminated against because they have no voice. Proverbs 29:7 is the verse God has given Addy's Hope for this time: "The godly care about the rights of the poor." I started the press conference with this scripture. In my dream, I am begging two officials to hear my plan to bring US teachers to Liberia to train Liberian teachers. I am asking them to help me set up the mentor program. But they are not listening because another program that is full of empty promises is taking them away from me. No matter how much I scream or what I tell them, they will not listen....they keep blowing me off. The dream changes. I am standing in a hall way watching a parade of people dressed in the finest clothes with jewelry dangling from them laughing and shouting how wonderfully successful they have been in gathering gifts for the people of Liberia. They are pulling wagons that have ornately decorated boxes with their video games and fine clothing spilling from them. I am standing on the side line watching in disbelief as I wonder how they think the people of Liberia will benefit from such items! The parade I am watching is made up of people from my old church.
Since returning from Liberia, the battle of flesh and spirit with in myself is so strong! "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life." I see a country where corrupt officials, greed, fear of being displaced keeps a people group down. I hear words that would appear to mean that the Ministry in charge of the welfare of the children of Liberia would prefer death to adoption! That makes me want to stand up and fight, to give life!
But then I return home. I see the four children who call me mommy on a daily basis. I desire to be all I need to be for them. I fear they are not getting all they need from me because they share me with 19 families and 57 little Liberian children. I see a house that is a wreck because I don't have time to keep it the way my husband desires. He has been so patient these past few months, but I know he and my children are my first ministry. So as I see this, I want to quit again. I want to put all of Liberia out of my mind and be American through and through. I want to get lost in all the traditions and hype of Christmas...still focusing on Christ, but getting totally lost in the "feelings" of Christmas. I want to adopt that baby that God has placed on my heart, yet with the demands of an agency, I can't imagine adding a baby right now. Add midnight feedings to my already sleepless nights and no drugs made will be enough to keep me functioning during the day to answer parents' phone calls and e-mails! But if I quit the fight, if I waived my red flag, I could spend my days rocking a baby, reading books to Ava, playing football with Toben, riding bikes with Noah, cooking with Callie and snuggling with my husband. I could be the stay home mom that I know God called me to be in my first years of mothering. I still believe strongly in being a stay at home mom! That is why my children will not go to daycare even though this has turned into a 40 hour + a week job!
Then there is the financial struggle. More and more I hear the voice in my head saying, "Well, if you are going to be working full time anyway, you might as well go back to teaching. Just think of what you could do with all the money you would make from teaching! Your debt could be paid off in less than a year!" Yes, that is the voice of the enemy. But it is so tempting! Worldy? YES! Flesh? YES! But remember, the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak!
But to do all that would mean I forget Moses, the community leader who nearly jumped up and down with excitement that a school was going up in his community. It would mean forgetting one of our Nannies that came to us. There was a man paying her son's tuition, but because another "Pastor" told him to stop, he did. So now her son can't go to school. Do you know how much his tuition is? $35 US! I paid more than that for stamps for Christmas cards yesterday! On judgement day which will be straw and which will stand the fire? It won't be the Christmas cards! Done! John in Liberia will go to school! John and I will see to that! But he is just one of thousands upon thousands!
The two week old baby that was brought to the Ministry of Health right before we met with the deputy minister...turned away without assistance! Yet we can't find a home for her because they want to tie our hands! Really?! Adoption is worse than starvation? How can that be?
I attended one of the adoption awareness meetings that the President's Committee on Adoption sponsored while I was there. It was a joke! It was not an awareness meeting, it was an adoption bashing opportunity! The presenter said the Liberian government is not against adoption, but then proceeded to tell only the negative sides of adoption. When she was finished spewing her venom, she said, "Now I will take three and only three questions from the audience." What? I thought this was an informational meeting! I guess it was really just a platform for her to give her personal opinion on adoption. All the while the adoption service provider's rep sitting on that committee sat there and said nothing! A lot of good he is doing! (He is NOT form our agency by the way!) Even the people around me (Liberians...I was the only white person in the place except for the presenters' personal assistant that was with her!) said, "Adoption is a crucial issue, this should not be rushed!" All the comments from the audience were positive! Yet, I would bet my life that if a report is given to President Sirleaf on that meeting, it would be told the community where it was held is against adoption. President Sirleaf has labeled corruption as "Public Enemy Number One". When you see a public enemy, arne't you supposed to report it?! But who do I report the sighting to? No one seems to listen. I have a letter from the President's office dated Feb 8, 2008 stating that she will personally see that Minister Gwenigale and his ministry work with us according to Liberian law. Almost a year later that has not happened. So if you can't report even to the highest power, what hope is there for ending corruption?
And remember, this is the government that we, the US tax payers, are sending MILLIONS of dollars! For real?! Give me a million dollars and lets see what Liberia looks like when I get done! It may not have fancy government buildings, but I bet every county would have a school with trained teachers and curriculum that will make learning in a structured progression! That is what will change Liberia for tomorrow: EDUCATION! Then these officials cannot run over people because of fear and ignorance!
So what can I do? Well, I am not sure. That is what has been rolling around in my head for the past hour. A letter to the Mansion has been composed but not sent. Contacts are in the works with my local representative to find out who is handling the money for the Liberian SEED bill (maybe law by now, not sure). And I can ask you who are reading this to join the fight. Contact your congressman and ask the same thing. Require accountability for this kind of money being sent over seas. In a time where they say we are in a recession, wouldn't money like this be better off in our own land if it is only going to pad the pockets of officials in the foreign country? You will find no one with a bigger heart for the people of Liberia, but the PEOPLE of Liberia are not getting this money!
It became a big joke as we drove around. I was traveling in a 1980 something blue hatchback car with no ac and a window crank that fell off many times in my hand....and riding in it proudly, I might add! We would pull up beside US AID cars, brand spanking new SUV's with tinted windows and AC. US AID is the number one distributor of the money the US govn't is sending over there. Even one the other adoption agencies had the same issue. When on one of the compounds, I counted SEVEN new cars! All SUVS and trucks, except for the Mercedes sitting there! But we drove proudly on to that compound in Ol' Blue! If you ever see an Addy's Hope car that is new, it will have a big "donated by" sign on it! My Liberia staff knows money like that will not be spent on cars...it will go to more beds or a refrigerator or bigger generator...something that will serve the CHILDREN!
Yet, we are the agency being discriminated against. I would venture to say we have processed the least amount of adoptions but done the largest amount of humanitarian work percentage wise. I am not tooting my horn, that is just what God has called us to do....however, it is frustrating when we are not then allowed to help more! We have offered to care for unadoptable children that the Ministry needs to place temporarily. We just want to help!
We spoke with another official at the Ministry of Health who understands! She sees children and mothers constantly that need help. She understands that the government does not have the resources to help, and until they do, adoption is one option to keep the children alive and educated..basic human rights! She shared story after story, even showing us pictures of some success stories thanks to donations of formula by some NGO's. So before I left, I took her a box of formula. Babies should at the very least have food! Mothers who have no milk and no friend who have milk have no options. Formula there is $10 US for a can that would last about two days for a new born. Remember, the average Liberian salary is $150 a year! You do the math!
After the very discouraging adoption "awareness" meeting, Amos, Pastor Paul and I went to eat and debrief. We were all fired up....after I had a good cry! Amos hates it when I cry, so I try to keep to a minimum.....I hate it when I cry too, but sometimes I just can't help it! Anyway, we were talking about the concept of adoption. I have to confess that on this trip, I really struggled with it. Are we doing the right thing? Should we just be fund raising and trying to keep children in families? There is an awesome organization doing that right now in Liberia and they are making an impact with orphanages and are working closely with the Ministry of Health. Praise God! It is Orphan Rescue and Relief (I think that is the right name, I will look it up and put their link somewhere later). But God through many people showed me how adoption is our calling...not all of our calling, but part of it. For whatever reason, He needs some children to be adopted. Is that the total answer, NO! But it is one of the many answers. As we talked about it, I brought up that adoption is God's design. For whatever reason, he has created adoption. He adopts us. There are many stories in the Bible of children who are adopted...I mentioned Moses. Then Amos made a profound statement! He said, "Yes! And Moses redeemed his people!" Wow! I wrote it down! 'Moses, the adopted son and by God's design , redeemed the people of his birth!' That is what I fully believe many of the children adopted by Addy's Hope will do! They will return to Liberia or they will send their resources there in order to redeem Liberia and the suppressed people of that country! Pastor Paul says he is going to have a billboard made with that quote on it to promote adoption! Go Pastor Paul!
Thank you for listening. Hopefully, now that it is off my chest, I can go to sleep!