In the beginning.....

The reason you have so many blog posts tonight is I can't sleep!  I have spent my time with Jesus to make sure there are no issues to deal with causing my sleeplessness.  I don't want to work...so I'm blogging! But the fact is, 11 years ago right now, I was probably not sleeping either!  But instead of blogging, I was probably looking at photo listings of children in orphanages around the world and crying over each one as I read their circumstances.  Or I was reading posts on African American hair care because we were kicking around the idea of adopting from Haiti - not because we had sought that out, but it was the only thing we thought we could afford.

It was the beginning of a journey so much larger than I could ever have imagined back then!  If you would have told me then what the next 11 years would look like, I would have dropped right then of a hart attack!  It's why God doesn't let us see the future, I am quite certain!

As I have pondered that beginning over the past months, I realized I have never really told that story in my blog.  So here goes!

Around May of 2001, God put adoption on my heart in a way that literally consumed me in a way nothing had before or has since!  I literally could not eat or sleep for the need to learn more about adoption.  Callie was probably neglected (at least in my terms of the attention a 15-18 month old should receive) for that time.  John and I would talk.  I would share with him that I was certain God was asking us to do something, but I didn't know what!  We had talked about adoption almost from the first date, I think.  We both wanted to adopt at some point, but had planned to have our children we wanted biologically first and then adopt, you know, because at the ripe age of 27, I wasn't getting any younger and needed to birth babies while I was still young.  Ha!  God proved what he thought of that! But John was still trying to adjust to having Callie.  He truly didn't know if he ever wanted any more children - adopted or birthed.  God proved what he thought of that, too! :)

John would come home from work and I would be sobbing over photos.  He would look at me trying to understand, but really just thinking I had lost my mind and wondering if the professionals needed to be called in, I am sure!  I remember one conversation when he came home one day for lunch after I had been reading profile after profile of children needing homes.  I said something like how can you look at these faces and not know that we need to adopt?  I don't remember what he said, but my response was, "you mean everyone who looks at these pictures doesn't feel the way I do?" He assured me that he  they did not! I guess that was my first glance into adoption as a calling on my life...I just didn't know it yet!

We would pray about what we should do.  And we would decide we would have another baby then adopt after that.  Great! That's settled!  Then we would go to bed - and I would toss and turn and feel an uneasiness.  Let me interject here that at this point in my spiritual journey I was just beginning to understand that Christianity meant more than just accepting Jesus as Lord and knowing you would go to heaven when you died.  God was taking me on a journey of learning who He is - a journey into the joy of intimate relationship with Him!  A journey I am still taking!  But my ability to "hear" God was almost non-existent at the time.  It was more peace versus unrest that guided me through this process.

Through all the tossing and turning and hours and hours on the internet, I discovered much about adoption that now amazes people.  First of all, the cps system assured me no children under the age of 5 would be available because they hardly ever had cases before they went into school or they were in sibling groups with school aged kids.  So that was out since we had a one year old and were not going to disrupt birth order! And once again God would prove what he thought of that too!  Also, would this be a good time to mention that in my family planning, I would NEVER have a need of a double stroller because all my children would be at least three years apart.  Anything closer would be radically unfair to the children. You can stop laughing now!  

Another fact about adoption at the time is that you had to prove infertility with many adoption agencies to even apply for their adoption programs.  Yes, that was only 11 years ago!  We weren't infertile!  At least we didn't think we were....we hadn't tried!  We just felt a tug that God had a child we needed to find to bring into our family.  Through my calling and researching, God would take me on, in hindsight, an amazing journey of facts and information that perfectly prepared us for Noah!  I literally marvel even 11 years later at how he mapped out those events in those three months.

We had finally settled on adopting from Haiti so that we would start the process January 2002 in order to bring home a baby around the first of the year 2003 (yes, Callie would be three in January...remember - no double strollers, children at least three years apart!).  I had joined a yahoo group (do those even exist anymore?!) for families adopting from Haiti.  I was soaking in all that I could from these families who had walked the journey.  I was so excited.  Looking back, I don't really remember the struggle to get to where we were ok with adopting a black child.  I knew from early on I wanted children from every continent (sorry, I know that is offensive to many adoptive parents...I promise, I mean it with a most sincere heart!), so it really wasn't an issue for me.  We did know it would be a stretch for our families as well as for the very small, very West Texas farming community we lived in.  John was the principal and we were the volunteer youth leaders for a very traditional southern Baptist church. So I really talked to no one, literally not another human being except John about the whole thing....initially!  It was lonely and overwhelming!  That is why I have such a passion for walking with people through the adoption process!  I have not forgotten those early days of gathering information.  I was so tired of people telling me to read their pamphlet or look at their website.  I wanted a voice!  I wanted another human, flesh and blood being to flesh out what I was thinking and answer the questions that raced through my mind almost faster than I could get them out.  

Through the Haitian adoption yahoo group, I met a lady who probably never knew the impact she had on our journey.  She sent me an e-mail one day and said she had read a comment I made about how we were not interested in the typical Caucasian baby girl that so many were seeking since we could have biological children.  (I don't know if this is still true, but then, typically, baby boys waited longer in orphanages than girls because people requested girls almost 2 to 1 over boys).  She asked if we had considered adopting domestically since African American boys in Texas were the hardest to place babies.  Well, we hadn't really thought of it for a lot of reason.  First, we were scared of the horror stories of biological families coming back and gaining custody of children who had been adopted.  Second, we thought international adoptions were safer...go ahead, you say it this time..God proved what He thought of that!  But most importantly, we didn't have any money.  But her comment intrigued me.  I have no idea where she got her information, so don't quote this as gospel, but she told me that at that time, the majority of African American babies in America were being adopted in Canada because white families in America would not adopt them.  I was mortified!  Not that Canadians are bad, but the fact that Americans would not be willing to adopt these babies when so many people were wanting to adopt simply because of their skin color made me furious.  So I started researching domestic agencies.  I printed the list of adoption agencies in Texas to begin my phone calls, and I lost count of the pages that printed!  I was overwhelmed!  But I began a the top and started calling.  I quickly found that most agencies had reduced fees for African American or bi-racial children.  I can't even begin to tell you how even now that makes me angry.  An African American baby's life is just as valuable as any Caucasian!  And if you can process an African American adoption for that fee, you can process that Caucasian adoption for the same fee..stepping down off my soap box!  But even the reduced fees were more than we could possibly afford.  And one other major difference in adoptions then, no one loaned you money or raised money for adoptions!  At least not anyone in any of our circles!  

In all my calling there was one conversation in particular that was an annoyance at the time, but God would use in a mighty way later!  One lady I spoke with at one of the agencies started telling me her personal story.  I don't mean to be rude, but it didn't apply to me!  She had given me the information I needed about her agency, and I already knew for reasons I can't remember that it was not a good fit for us.  I just wanted to get off the phone so I could call the other million agencies on my list to be told to look at the website that I had already looked at and found to be totally useless for the information I was seeking!  But she kept talking.  She told me about the daughter they had adopted from the foster system who had been drug exposed and had withdraws for the first few weeks.  Let me stop here and say, we had our "list"!  And her story was totally irrelevant for three reasons on that list!  One, we weren't going through the foster system because we had been told you couldn't find babies to just adopt and I could never foster or adopt older children (yes, God would prove what He thought of that also....seeing a pattern here?!).  Two, she said drug exposure.  We were not doing drug or alcohol exposure.  Period.  Three, her baby had an unknown father! Nope! Too risky!  But she told me her story anyway, and I did have enough tack to not hang up on her, so I heard her out.  She made a statement that would later be a game changer.  She said, "do not let drugs scare you! If you remove a child from the environment where they were exposed to drugs and intervene, then drug exposure doesn't have to mean life long consequences."  Her daughter was two at the time of our phone conversation.

So back and forth we would continue to go with our "planning".  Still researching domestic adoption, but really not finding any realistic options with fees still being $20K plus even with it reduced for African American programs and many agencies requiring infertility...yet I didn't really have peace about Haiti either..and John still wasn't sure he wanted another baby period!

At some point in my insanity I did share my struggle with a dear friend, Debbie.  She was a widow left to raise 4 children when her husband who had been the pastor of the church there had died of brain cancer.  Her oldest daughter had become and to this day still is like a sister I never had!  They lived in what was once a Church of Christ church, and we live in the parsonage across the "parking lot"...remember I said a very small farming community! She was the only person I knew at that time that I knew wouldn't think I was certifiably in sane for starting a sentence with, "I think God is telling me...."  I'm not saying there were not other people in that community that believed in the power of the Holy Spirit to "speak" into your life, I am just saying I hadn't heard them talk about it! We had already caused some ripples because we played the music with the youth on Wednesday nights really loudly and we played contemporary music...I sure didn't want word to get out that I was hearing voices!  

to be continued.......

Siiiiiiiigh......

More puke! Now John has it! I am sick of stomach viruses! Go away!

Let me just say that I know how selfish this sounds/is, but I say this is a transparent look at my life...so you get the good, the bad and the very ugly! I am so bummed that he is sick tonight! See I got an e-mail in my inbox today. Ever since I started pricing fences to get the pool fence, I have stopped looking at domestic situations and concentrated on the foster care issue.

Well, the e-mail I got was for an African American baby girl due in July here in Texas. It is a little higher than what I had wanted to do even in a domestic adoption, but I just keep thinking that no matter the cost, a child is worth it! I don't hesitate to pay that much for a car that will run out and eventually break down. The car will be ashes when the fire hits it, but the life of this child will be eternal! Read post below for simple explanation of that analogy!

John hates these e-mails! It really stretches him to think about having another child. There are days it does me too, but I love babies and children! John doesn't have that burning desire like me, so I appreciate that he is willing to pray and consider that perhaps God is calling us to this even thought he, John, would not choose this for us. However, talking about it is hard. For one thing, finding time when we can both sit down and talk with out interruption when we still have brain cells left (which we usually neither one do by bed time!) is so difficult. Well, tonight, the big kids are with John's parents. The little ones go to bed at 8, so we were planning to sit and talk about it tonight to see if we feel called in anyway to pursue this situation.

There is one part about this situation that keeps going through my mind....the mother went to abort her, but she was too far along! Ouch! I hear my government teacher from high school saying, "These pro-life people better be ready to put their money where their mouth is and raise these babies that aren't aborted." I'm ready! I will put my money where my mouth is! Bring her to me! I would take in an unlimited number of children to save them from being murdered before they are born! But that doesn't mean this baby is mine, either.

So I sit...wondering....dreaming...trying not to think of the possibilities....trying not to fall in love with her already....trying to be truly open to God's will...and at the same time wondering where in the world we would get that kind of money to pursue the adoption! But then I know story after story of how God provided, so I would pursue her in a heart beat in faith that God will take care of the rest...I just have to know this is His will! I want it to be His will so badly that I don't know that I can be fully objective....that is why I really do rely on John to say yes or no! I just need him to not be puking so we can talk about it!

Character

This is one of those mornings where God has caused me to really look deep. To wrestle with what I know to be true and what I believe God has called me to or asked me to do.

I have said many times that the problem with Romans 5:3-5 (we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope) is that you have to want character! I want the hope at the end, but that character part in the middle just sometimes seems way overrated for what I have to "persevere" to get to it. You see, out world doesn't value character! They value results and possessions! Do most business men make decisions based on character or on the bottom dollar? Do most adoption agencies make decision based on character or on getting child home with a 'the ends justifies the means' mentality? Even me, as a Christian, when God calls me to an assignment, do I focus on the character it is bringing or the final goal? Well, I have to say the final goal! I want that "aha" moment that will bring the warm fuzzies of knowing God fulfilled his promise! The satisfaction of knowing I fulfilled God's call in that assignment!

I know that the journey is more important than the outcome. You have heard me talk about head knowledge versus heart knowledge before. But I would have to say that truth is still head knowledge. I haven't fully embraced it! Because I still find myself focused on the end and not the character being built or the journey to get there. I want the straight line from God's call to the fulfilment. But God's way is the winding path that takes me from glory to glory as He builds my character all along the path!

How does that apply right now? Well, you all know that God has laid a baby on my heart! I want to adopt right now a little baby African American girl more than anything. I know that is a desire from God, He has made clear that is a direction He has given me. I know that with out a doubt. However, the part that I think I have been ignoring is the winding path to get to that little girl! He called me to it, so let's find her, adopt her and get to the end! But God is saying, "I am calling you to bring child number 5 home. So let's start that path. I need you to move closer to me. I need you to be more organized and more responsible with your finances. This character will be necessary for you to be the mother of five children, the wife to your husband and the director of an adoption agency in a way that will bring me glory. I demand excellence. With out these character traits, bringing another child in will be just more chaos, and I am not a God of chaos and do not want you representing me to the world as you walk in faith as chaos." OUCH! But oh so true! I hear the direction and I want to jump to the end! I have always had that issue! But I see now where God has me on a journey! He has planted a seek and is asking me to surrender in every are to Him so that He can grow character in me as He brings about the fulfillment of what He has planted in me.

Man, that is so easy to write! So easy to "understand" but oh so difficult to put into practice. But as of this morning, no more whining! I have already noticed that God is giving me motivation to do things towards organization that have stalled me in times past. And even as I type this, He has reminded me that currently I need more room on my lap....I have two "babies" that might possibly need a little more "character" themselves before I add number five. As I was typing this paragraph with Ava on my lap, Toben walks up and pats my leg. Ava moves over to one leg and Toben climbs up on the now empty one. Just a little reminder from God that while I wait, He has already blessed me with a full lap and two little ones to type around and peak in between their heads at the computer screen!

I have to give my sweet husband credit where credit is due! I took my lesson this morning to him and he graciously walked me through it allowing God to use him to show me these points! Thank you John, and thank you God, for John!

Is it a glimmer of light through an open door or an on-coming train?

So after the BANG, I really put adopting right now out of my mind! I even started thinking how nice it would be to just "be". No big events on the horizon...just settling in as a family of 6! John will be very excited to hear that! I know pregnancy would not be possible (unless a miracle happened) because of the health issues I have been having. So with out adopting, our family would be complete, I think. I could get used to that idea for at least a while.



There was even a situation on the agency's website (the one that had the other baby) that was a baby girl due in 2 weeks. I didn't even consider it, well for a second, but I was determined not to "chase" a baby.



Then I get an e-mail yesterday from a dear friend. She was looking for a job (I still want the rest of that story, you!) and was considering one at an adoption agency. When she got on their website to check them out, she saw that they have a desperate need for families for African American babies. So she sent me the link. Is this a glimmer of light through an opening door, or an on-coming train to get me off track? Is this God saying, don't give up? Or just a friendly e-mail from a great friend who knew I was tossing around adopting again?



I forwarded it to John, and that is all I did. I don't even really know how to "think" about this anymore. I so do not want MY will! So much so that I really can't tell you what "my" desire in this is! I can go either way. I guess that is a good place to be.



I mentioned in a previous post that John has started the Experiencing God Bible Study. I decided to do it with him and ordered my own book. It came yesterday. So this morning, I started it full swing. So these are the summary statements from day one: "As I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will." and "Jesus is my Way. I don't need any other road map."



As I did the study, the thing that kept coming into my mind to apply this to was adopting right now. These are the statements that stuck out: Jesus said, "I am the Way." He did not say, "I will show you the way, I will give you a road map, I will tell you which direction to go" He said, I am the way!



Then they used the story of Abram again. He is going from being my hero to being a real pain in my you know what! Not really, but man, I wish I was like him! After reading Gen 12:1-5, Blackaby points outs: What did God say? How specific was He? "Leave" and "go." Go where? "To a land I will show you."



What?! So how did Abram know which way to start walking? How did he know whether to go North or South or East or West???? How did he know whether to leave today or in a week or in a year? That is what I want to know!!!! I have never been in more of a place in my life where I want to do God's will! I have no desire to do my will! Yes, I have flesh I fight and sin I participate in unkowingly and have to confess later, but as much as I can in my human state, I want God's will! I want to do His work.



There could not be a worst time for us to adopt. There is absolutly NO circumstance in our life that says this is a good idea. But are we supposed to look at circumstance? And actually that was true the last three times we started adoptions! It didn't stop us then. I would say we were wrong, but I have two beautiful little boys that say differently!



Blackaby says if I follow Jesus one day at a time, He will keep me in the center of God's will. I believe that. And I know in the past John and I have been too consumed with the BIG event and neglected the day to day. I can see maturity in us that we are focusing on the day to day in all areas and seeking God in those things instead of the "Big" things!



But that doesn't make this "adoption feeling" go away! And to say that we don't need to be "walking that way" would be ignoring the overwhelming nudges from God to pray for the mother of our next child that occured back in April when we were not even considering another child! So do I completely dismiss those as bad pizza or do I walk toward adoption one day at a time and see what happens?



So I called some agencies that I have talked to in the past and inquired....waiting to hear back on some and know that it would cost $880 in non-refundable money to get signed up with one (they are being very gracious to us because we are also in ministry!). So what is a girl to do? Pray some more? Walk? Which direction? I have always said the hardest part of adoption is that each decision is a commitment! To get pregnant you just quit preventing and see what happens! Ugh!

Our Profile

Just in case I ever get to send a profile to a birth mom, I made up a profile album on Smilebox.com! It is a reall cool site! So here we are! Seems funny trying to "sell" yourself!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

4 feet feels like an unscalable wall

Well, I finally opened the foster to adopt packet. It hasn't made my day so good. I asked them to put the state restrictions for foster children and a pool. We will have to have a four foot fence around the entire pool. It has to have a self-closing and self-latching gate. I can only guess how much that will cost! Like I can talk John into putting that up when I told him this morning that I didn't think we needed a dining room table to replace the old one because we are serious about getting out of debt this time!

Then there is TB screening. Well we all had that when Toben came home...but I didn't bother to take anyone back because they were all negative...but since I didn't take them back, it is not recorded. STUPID, I know! Just frustrates me with myeslf! One of many things today!

Plus I look at all the paper work and think, ugh, not again! I have filled out so many applications, etc that I am sick of it! I know...tell you about it for all you in the process! And yes, in the end it is worth it...if you know that you will actually get to puruse it!

The first time I felt overwhelmed with the need to pray for our next child's mom was in church sometime in April. I had a sense that something big was happening that day and I needed to pray protection around her and the baby...I had wondered what it was....was it the say she found out she was pregnant, was she considering an abortion? The feeling was so strong that it brought tears to my eyes. If it was the day she found out she was pregnant, the baby is probably due around Chrsitmas. I have felt an extreme urgency to get whatever we need to do whatever direction we feel called to go done by Christmas. But if we don't get on it asap, that will not happen. It takes at least three months to get licensed for CPS even through private agencies unless we drive all over Texas to take classes which I can't imagine John doing that either! Maybe I am just nuts and there was never really a baby after all! Maybe I am supposed to be content with the four I have now......

Just feel defeated today. Since we are now without a church family, and I really don't have any close girl friends here, you are my only sorce of venting! Sorry for the downer!

Submission: Part Two

I keep imagining some of you dear friends in blog world saying, "So how's that working for ya" to quote a famous Texan! Well, not so good! It sounds good all typed out on my blog, and I really mean it, but man is it hard to keep my mouth shut! I may not acutally ask about the adoption, but I make comments about babies all the time. God is showing me that I need to stop that..even if I don't mean it to be reminder of what I feel called to do, John will probably see it as that, and thus I need to not say it! Oh man! That is hard!

It is also hard just to know the line. For example, we went to a church Sunday that was doing a special emphasis on adoption. After church three organizations talked about their foster or adoption programs. One of them called me today, so I wanted to share what I had found out with JOhn. I always struggle with that. I feel like even sharing what I know if pressuring, yet if I don't, then he will not know. So today, I shared, then backed off. Well kind of....I did send him a video from my friend Jody's blog on foster kids. But I share things from blogs with John many times. I was sharing as information more than nagging, but maybe I should have refrained because of how it would be perceived even if not my intent. Oh this is hard!

The Pastor of the church we visited on Sunday shared their testimony of the adoption of their little boy who was in the foster care system. He said his wife asked him about taking in the little boy and he said, "NO!" There family was just fine with the four girls and he didn't want to mess things up by throwing in another gender! But as he prayed about it, God turned his heart. He said when he shared with his wife that he thought they should do it, she said, "Great!" and pulled the completed application out of a drawer and told him where to sign! I love it! But I know she kept her mouth shut while she filled out all those papers! GOd give me the obedience and strength to keep my mouth shut!

Submission

That is a dirty word in today's culture! But I have always sought to be a submissive wife. After 10, almost 11, years, I still struggle with what exactly that means. But this morning, God was reminding me of one part of it. As I long for my baby, I tend to take matters into my own hands. Do I trust God to bring her/him to me? Yes! Do I like His timing? NO!

So today as I prayed specifically for baby P, I heard God say, "Let John lead." What?! You have to be kidding! If I let John lead, we will never have a baby! He wants to be done having kids! He doesn't have the heart for adding kids to the family that I do (I mean no disrespect to my husband..over the years, I totally recognize his not being as willing as me as a safety valve to keep ALL the world's orphans from coming into our home by my hand!)! So God's response to my argument: "That is between John and Me, if you step outside him then you are not in My will." That was not what I wanted to hear!

So since my sweet husband had already left for work, I sent him an e-mail asking permission to send our profile and home study to a couple of referral places. I was planning to do that today, but I will walk in submission to God and my husband! Trusting BOTH of them to handle this in the best way! As I told John, sometimes being a strong woman isn't all it is cracked up to be.....which he will find hilarious since just before he left he made the comment "Oh hell, she's awake"---see quotes on side bar for explanation!

I can't send it without his permission, but I can sure pray that he says YES!!! So that is what I will do.....while still preparing myself to be respectful(not just act it, but truly trust, rest and respect)if the answer is No!

Where is she?

This is another one of those days where I find myself just sitting and dreaming about my baby girl! God has put her so heavy on my heart...she has to be out there somewhere! I have always said the hardest part about adoption is all the decisions to be made...international or domestic? If international, then what country, if domestic, do I do private, agency or CPS? With getting pregnant, you just quit preventing and see what happens....it truly is in God's hands! But with adoption, you are making concsious decisions that determine the outcome (one of those time I don't get divine plans versus free will!).

So I sit today and wonder if I am just goofy and there really isn't a baby out there. Or are we supposed to be doing more to find her? Is now not the time? Is now the perfect time and we just haven't found her yet. I know she has to be out there somewhere because my heart hurts too badly for her not to be! It is that feeling that part of you is missing....I know many will not understand, but moms who have adopted more than once will understand what I am talking about!

So for now, I just wait!

Full transparency.....

I have not posted anything about this because I am not sure if any family reads this. But the more I have prayed about it, the more I have felt compelled to blog because the issue I am facing faces so many women longing to adopt. So I decided if I am truly transparent about my life, especially about adoption in order to help others, I have to blog. So if there are any family members reading this, you might want to stop here! Or if you continue, do not be angry that we didn't share this info with you. Didn't want to concern or worry you if we didn't go through with anything.

I have blogged a couple of times about my longing for a newborn aa girl and how God has worked on me some in this area over the last few months. I just looked up the posts where I did that. You can read them here and here.

Well, I have had a very heavy heart about this for several weeks. I have journaled, I have prayed and I have searched situation pages. I have a friend here who is very involved in the AA community and has a ministry to help young moms with parenting skills and other issues. Last Sunday, the baby thing was on my heart so strongly I couldn't shake it. So when I was supposed to be praying for our church (I do that as part of a prayer team during one of our services, but I was the only one in there again!), I was praying for my baby. (I did pray for the church too, just not the whole time!) When I went upstairs to pick up Noah, I thought, "I need to talk to Jody (my friend with the ministry). So I walk next door to get Callie, and Jody is standing right in front of me. So I told her hastily as she was running late to a class, that I feel God calling us to a baby girl and if she knew of one needing a home to let me know. She said she actually had someone tell her about one. So I made contact with her later to find out about that... turned out to be a dead end. So in the mean time I found a situation with a drug exposed mother. I prayed, talked to John, prayed some more, asked lots of questions of the referral service, and started researching. With John's blessing, I started the process of updating our home study for a domestic placement. We went through the whole process (those of you who have had a home study will laugh.....I had to do a home visit on spur of the moment since time was of the essence! My kitchen floor was sticky, and as I opened the door to let my social worker in, I saw a pair or Toben's underwear under the dining room table! Have no idea how they go there, but those things will keep you humble for sure!). I started about Monday, and the girl was dilated to a 3, but had not delivered yet. We didn't know the sex of the baby at this time. I REALLY want a girl and a girl will fit in our bedroom situation as she would share with Ava instead of having to put 3 boys in one room. But as I felt called to this situation, I layed down my "wants" and told God I would be obedient and walk ahead even if it was a boy! So Friday morning I got an e-mail saying the baby was born and is a girl! My heart skipped a beat. We had everything we needed except John's criminal check. His expired Sept. 1. So I ran around like a crazy person trying to see if we could use that for now and then do an update once the new one came in.

I found out we could, so I moved ahead full force, getting more excited with each hour that passed. About mid afternoon, John just said, "I can't do this." I said, "Can't do what?" I knew what he was about to say, but we were also remodeling, so I was hoping it had to do with that! But it didn't, it was the baby. He just didn't think he could do a baby right now. There were many reasons that I won't go into here as those are our private matters, but we talked......I was disappointed beyond belief and began mourning the loss of the little girl I had already brought home to the nursery in my mind and heart.

This always leaves me perplexed. How can I hear God so clearly, yet John says it is not time? Who is wrong and who is right? As I struggled with that briefly, I was reminded that it doesn't matter who was wrong or right, I am to submit to my husband. If he didn't hear God say this is our baby, then my job is to rest in that. Does that mean I was wrong, I don't think so. But to push John when he isn't ready even if I think it is God or to make my husband feel inferior to me spiritually and say that I heard God and he didn't, would be wrong! That would not be respectful or submissive. As soon as those thoughts came to mind, and I rested in them, I was filled with peace. Do I still grieve that little girl? A little, but I know there is a little girl out there, and I know my good God will bring me one when John and I are both ready.

John said the next morning when he was praying that he didn't think we would have to "pay for" (I hate that term, but it is true) a baby. That we would find one just needing a home like we did with Noah. That means more waiting....I hate to wait! But we are home study ready now! :)

I share this with you all because I talk to women every day who struggle because they have a heart for adoption and their husband is not there. So don't stop praying! Keep that heart and ask God to soften your husband. I didn't say pound him or nag him as that will do no good! But pray, God can change his heart! John was done having children with Callie, and now we are looking at number 5 (and six if Sundayma comes to us also!). John, just ignore that last part! FOCUS on the baby! hee! hee!

Crazy for sure!

Ok, I just posted about how depressed and in the pit I am. Yet, there is this familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach......I long for a baby! I truly have lost my mind! Two of you who read this are responsible for this issue! Two of our adoptive families have answered God's call to bring home children while they wait for Liberia to get their act together so they can bring their Liberian children home....one of these precious families is also expecting a baby through pregnancy! Go Courtney! Well, I was fascinated, so I asked one of them how they came to find these precious children. Funny thing, these two blamed the other for their blessing! At any rate, one of them, Carolee e-mailed me the link to the referral service where her precious little girl came from. She said to look at my own risk and I was silly enough to bookmark it! Before Carolee sent me this link, I had not looked at a situations site in two years! I told her it is all her fault! She gladly accepted blame! :) I would LOVE to have a newborn AA baby girl! I want hair to braid! I know that is crazy! But it is something that is deep in me that I can't shake...and John says I can NOT grow out Toben's hair to braid it! :(



I feel my biological clock ticking! I have always told John I may drive him crazy right now, but I truly don't see myself as a person who once kids are about grown having this overwhelming desire to have a baby. I want to have time after children to follow more of my dreams to work in adoption on a larger scale. (Courtney, this is for you!). I told John today when I am old and gray, I want to start a free domestic adoption program! That would be a dream come true for sure! But I am not getting younger, and my baby is almost two and poopied in the potty for the first time this week! So it is time for a baby around here!

Having said that I confess that I e-mailed about an AA baby girl due here in Texas at the end of May. The only thing standing between us and her is about $24,000! So John said look at the state to see if they have any availabilities. So I did. I know they never have babies on their sites, but I found these statistics that just made my jaw drop! (Note, these statistics were BEFORE the 416 children were removed from the polygamist compoung in El Darado outside San Angelo about 2 hours from here!)

Are children available for adoption in Texas? Yes, through both public and private adoption agencies. For example, in 2004, Texas had 10,047 children in the welfare system waiting to be adopted of whom 553 were under the age of 1 year, and 3,535 were between ages 1-5 years old. The actual number of children adopted through Texas public child welfare agencies was only 2,556, which represents only a small portion of the total number of all Texas adoptions (exact numbers are not available at this time).

Did you see that???? 10,047 children!!!! That is a whole town! What are we waiting on? Maybe I should do this even in my pit!!! The Christian community HAS to step up! Children need us...children right here in our own back door! I don't have to go to Africa to find children in need...there are 10,047 right here in my state...just one of 50 in this great nation we call home! But I know I am preaching to the choir here since all my readers are adoptive families! :) Thanks for letting me get on my soap box for just a minute there!

In Texas, they are actually looking for churches to step up and help with this issue. This is off the state departments website:

Prior to 1875 the faith community was the institution that dealt with the miss treatment of children. We would like for the faith community to get involved again with the mission of helping abused and neglected children.

Child Protective Services (CPS) needs foster parents for children of all races and ethnicity's, ages newborn through 17. CPS also is seeking adoptive families for a wide range of children with a special emphasis on older children and sibling groups.

In FY 2007 CPS received over 241,000 reports of child abuse and neglect, completed 163,466 investigations and confirmed that over 71,000 children were victims of child abuse. The state of Texas is asking for your help. We understand that as an agency we can not care for all the children in the state alone. Sometimes it takes a congregation to raise a child.



John doesn't know this yet (he fell asleep on the couch while I was doing adoption searches hee!hee!), but I put in a request for information from the state department for foster/adopt. There is an informational meeting (we went to one in 2000 in Lubbock) on April 22. Maybe we will go........